View Full Version : Why do wives do this ?

30th Nov 2013, 14:07
Lidle has some animated LED icyles so I bought a set this morning. After lunch (liver, cauliflower puree, half a spud & bacon, washed down with 1/2 bottle of Serre Sagué 2005) I went out in the rain and snow and strung a catenary wire right across the front of our property, between the car port and garage, abt 15 metres, and hung the lights from it. Wheeee !

Married men will not be surprised to hear the next sound was Mrs OFSO inside the kitchen looking at my work and having hysterics. In her words, "your lights look pathetic".

OK, so one set of lights isn't enough.

But why do wives make us married men feel so useless and why do we put up with it. Always. Without exception.

P.S. Beyoncé the Cat also thinks they are a total waste of time, from the contemptuous look on her furry black face: the money would have been better spent on tins of cat food.

30th Nov 2013, 14:16
Men must spend their money on things that give them pleasure, as trying to do otherwise is like catching shadows . . .

30th Nov 2013, 14:56
Beyoncé the Cat and airship probably share this feeling of complete disbelief at all the antics of otherwise quite sane human-beings:

Why do so many of you feel it's essential to decorate your abodes with sometimes "well over the top" lighting displays (search for suitable examples on YouTube or Google)...?! The modest flickering lights adorning a small Xmas tree, situated close to a front window in the house and perhaps visible from the street by passers-by, should be more than adequate...?! :confused:

One wonders about the motivation behind their activities, always intending to at least impress, if not surpass other similarly-inflicted folks. And what Jesus might think about it all...?! :ugh:

I think that Beyoncé the Cat will nevertheless be well looked-after this Xmas. But what a waste of time, money and effort on the part of all those who regularly "go well over the top" with Xmas lights and decorations. My advice would be for all those who (yes - indulge themselves) is to instead ensure that they regularly throw a sufficient amount of grains, seeds and fat out for the birdies. And why not some cat-food (hedgehogs love it, as do pigeons, crows and even stray cats) etc. during the hard winter months. If we want the pleasure of seeing the same individuals around next year... :ok::sad:

30th Nov 2013, 14:57
It's like buying them flowers on an ordinary day.

If you don't, life goes on as usual. If you do, it's either "what are you feeling guilty about?" or "you know I don't like that colour".

Don't bother.

30th Nov 2013, 15:16
OFSO, I think the gas producing lunch of cauliflower puree, half a spud & bacon, washed down with 1/2 bottle of Serre Sagué 2005

made you mishear:

In her words, "your lights look pathetic".

What Mrs O actually said was: "your tights look pathetic".

30th Nov 2013, 16:02
I think that Beyoncé the Cat will nevertheless be well looked-after this Xmas.

Beyoncé the Cat will be on her own at Christmas. She lives in a Chalet originally built for Buster the Magnificent and I'll leave 10kg of dry food in an autofeeder, plenty of water, and every darn house up 'n down the road will feed a hungry cat if asked, but otherwise she's on her own. No more roast duck* until after the festive season.

*which she had five minutes ago.

30th Nov 2013, 16:15
I first posted this about five* years ago, with all the new folks here that were not here back then, I decided to repost the story of how 'My wife tries to kill me every year".

* Now nine years ago.

Every year about this time my wife tries to kill me. No I’m not kidding, every year since we got together she does her best to insure that I will die a horrible death from a fall from the roof or being electrocuted.

Every year at this time it starts innocently enough.

She who must be obeyed, “Dear it is time to get the Christmas decorations down from attic.”

Poor little old me, “Can’t now, busy Ppruneing. I’ll do it later, say in March.”

“Now dear we go through this every year, now go out to the garage and go up into the attic and get the Christmas boxes down.”

“But honey all my friends need my help in the “hamster wheel” thread.”

“What’s that dear, you think that we need to get a hamster for our grandson? His mother will not like that you know.”

“NO, no, no that’s not what I meant. They need help on ‘Pprune’ they are out numbered.”

“Who’s out numbered where?”

“All my buddies need my help on PPRuNe.”

“I’m sure that they are big boys and can take care of themselves. NOW GET THE CHRISTMAS STUFF DOWN NOW!”

“Can’t I….”


In the twenty years we have been together I have learned when it is time to retreat and do her bidding, trust me, when that NO word is said in that tone of voice the battles are over and the war is lost. All one can do now is to try to maintain one’s dignity and perform as ordered.

Therefore I leave the safe haven of my office (the bar) and make the trek to outer regions of our home into the garage and to the attic access ladder door.

THE ATTIC ACCESS LADDER DOOR, is the most insidious evil designed device in the average American home. The location of the door is easily located by looking for the blood stains on the garage floor. Upon locating the blood stains all one needs to do is to look directly above and the attic access door will be in plain sight. There will be a frayed cloth pull cord (that has been retied numerous times after being torn in half numerous times) hanging down just beyond reach.

So I stand there under the attic access door on my blood stains left from years past and I jumped up and grab the pull cord. The door hinges opens and the tri-fold, telescoping ladder flies out and hits me on the head. As it has done every year, no matter how many times I try to fix the ladder where it will not fly out and hit me on my head.

After regaining consciousness I get back on my feet and stare nervously at the ladder that had just attacked my forehead and I go back into the house. After I come back into the garage from the bathroom where I placed a bandage on my head to stop the bleeding I stand and contemplate trusting this weak, unstable attic access ladder that has attacked me every year for twenty years. I tell myself that I can do this again, the ladder has held my weight for all these years and should be able to do so again.

I go back into the house to the bar and mix a Scotch and water. (A strong one.)

Now suitably fortified for the up coming endeavors I s-l-o-w-l-y climb the ladder into the attic. Then I climb slowly back down the ladder and go over to the wall by the door and turn the attic light switch on.

Okay, I’m back in the attic and start looking for the Christmas boxes, there are twenty one large cardboard and plastic boxes that contain our Christmas decorations, that’s right twenty one, large, heavy boxes and me. I am by myself.

So one by one I move the boxes to the opening in the ceiling of the garage and then I go down the ladder, manhandle the boxes down the ladder which is creaking and groaning under this abuse and place them in various places on the garage floor. (Now all the while I am doing this our four cats have positioned themselves at different locations around the garage so they can run under my feet as I bring the boxes down, and people say cats have no sense of humor.)

Now after achieving the nearly impossible task of removing all twenty one boxes from the attic without knocking myself out a second time or falling off the ladder and breaking a leg I move the boxes into the house. Proudly I walk into my wife’s office and announce that I have gotten all the Christmas boxes down and into the house.

She, my most beloved partner in life, takes one quick look and announces, “There are three boxes missing.”

Me, “Uh, no dear, twenty one boxes were put into the attic last year and I brought twenty one back down.”

“No dear, I bought all that new outdoor decorations and three new green plastic boxes to store them in last year at the after Christmas sale.”

The O-U-T-D-O-O-R Christmas decorations. There is possibly no expression or term that will strike fear and terror into a man’s heart and soul quicker than that of OUTDOOR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, none! I have know men that have survived hand to hand combat in a war that will turn pale and start shaking in their boots upon hearing the dreaded words OUTDOOR Christmas decorations. I have flown jet airplanes into hell and back but I still quake when I hear, “Honey, you need to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations and lights up.”

“Dear it is cold outside.”

“Nonsense honey, the sun is shinning and it is beautiful outside, so quit complaining, put the lights and decorations up, our grandson will just love them. AND all the neighbors have their outdoor decorations up already.”

“Aw it’s too cold today, how about I wait until it gets warmer, like in June, yeah June will do just fine.” (Goddamn goody two shoes neighbors.)

Then I get the LOOK. All married men know the LOOK. My wife’s LOOK could stop warring armies, the LOOK can freeze hot water with a single glance.

It may interest you to know that it was 20 degrees F that day with the wind running at about 25 to 30 knots.

I get the icicle lights up on all of the rain guttering of the house. I wrap the trunks of the trees in the front yard with lights. I put out the inflatable snowman and polar bear. I put out the lighted reindeers, toy soldiers and Santa. I lay lights out in the ivy bed, I wrap lights around the statues in the ivy bed. I cover all the various bushes at the front of the house with lights. Then I run about thirty electrical extension cords from the garage and the outside outlets in front of our house. Two circuit breakers pop on the main electrical box. I reconfigure the electrical load and three circuit breakers pop. I go to he local hardware store for the third time that day (God they love me there at this time of the year.) and buy four more heavy duty extension cords.

Success at last! YES, I have achieved complete and total victory! Finally all the lights are lit, the flashing lights are flashing, the bits that are supposed to be moving are moving.

While achieving this masterpiece of engineering I fell off the step ladder three times, tearing off two sections of guttering (necessitating the first trip to the local hardware store), stepped on and smashed at least ten light bulbs, broke the Santa by falling on it (necessitating the second trip to the local hardware store) and spilled two Scotch and waters.

Proudly I go into the house and get my beautiful wife and bring her outside as the sun is setting so she can see my marvelous achievements.

She stands there and looks and looks and looks. Boastfully I ask of her, “Well, what do you think?”

“Where are the roof lights?”

Merry Christmas.

Rather be Gardening
30th Nov 2013, 16:17
OFSO - it was a very nice thought. My husband bought some lights last year which flashed for a couple of hours, then malfunctioned for the rest of the time. The next day I sneaked out when he wasn't looking, with a duplicate set, and swapped them over - told him it was a duff bulb, and that the lights looked lovely. He'd bothered to go out and get them for me when he had a stinking cold, and then put them up on a cold and miserable evening. I'd have cut my tongue out before telling him they were a waste of money.

30th Nov 2013, 16:19
Put mine up this morning:


Noah Zark.
30th Nov 2013, 16:41
That's a superb display! It must have taken you hours. Well done, I've been looking for inspiration for my lights this year, I think I've just found it! :D:D

30th Nov 2013, 16:45
As there was a doctor in the house, there was no need for me to go to the hospital.

Today is the second half of the annual event that I must believe that my wife has planned for years to rid her of my presences in her life. The first half of this very clever, diabolical plan is of course the demand upon my person to decorate the outside of the house with Christmas Lights and outdoor Christmas decorations. Having survived the first segment of her dastardly and deadly plan, as related to all of you in a previous thread, I foolishly lowered my guard thinking I was safe.

However, as usual, she took me unaware. So there I was, all innocent and the like, trading bards, expounding on my wisdom and expressing my rapier wit dealing with life and death matters up to and including the possible extinction of the world as we know it on Pprune when she struck.

“Oh dear, it is time to take down the outdoor lights and decorations.”

“Sorry hun, too busy on the computer, err, working.”

“No you’re not, it’s Sunday and you’re on Pprune.”

“Oh, err, well the guys need my help, the other side is ganging up on one of our buddies.”

“They’re big boys, they can take care of themselves. Now go outside and get to work.”

Well I thought, ‘She’s not really insisting, maybe I can get out of this.’ “Oh wait, hmm, there’s a football game, yeah, that’s it, there’s a game, some kind of a playoff game.”

“Yes, I know, I’m watching it in my office, Dallas is losing and your TV is tuned to the ‘Cartoon Network’ and you’re watching Mickey Mouse. “

Damn, busted again. “Well, err, I knew that, I was hmm, watching the game, got depressed and switched to the………………….”

“Now, no more nonsense.”

“But honey, all that snow, remember we got all that snow on Christmas Eve, a blizzard. Plus the ice, all that ice under the snow. I could do myself seriously grievous bodily injury I could. Better play it safe and wait a while, like June. June would be good, all the ice and snow will be gone by June and it will be warmer. It’s too cold outside right now.”

“It is 62 degrees outside right now, the wind is calm and there is not a cloud in the sky. And you know very well that all the ice and snow melted last week. Plus our youngest son is playing golf today, that’s how nice it is today. Now get busy.”

For a second a suicidal thought enter my mind, I almost blurted out, ‘Hey, I got a great idea, why don’t I just leave them up? Just think of the time and trouble it will save next year.’ Fortunately my self-preservation kicked into first gear and I was saved from certain death.

Then she gives me the ‘Glare’. All married men know the ‘Glare’. I have seen her ‘Glare’ stop charging Rhinos, freeze wine, stop NFL linemen dead in their tracks and boil water from 100 feet.

“Yes dear, I’ll get right on it.” Resigned to my fate, I get up and leave my supposedly safe haven of my bar. I walk to into the garage which, if you’ll recall, is where the attic access door is located. Having finally recovered from my injuries received from the said door getting the door open and extending the collapsible attic access ladder I am very wary of suffering the same type injuries. So very cleverly I approach the backside of the door, jump up and grab the access cord that had been repaired from my last attempt to gain access to the attic.

After I pick myself up from off the floor, caused by me tripping over one of our cats that ran in front of my feet at the exact second I started to jump, I dust myself off; go get a step ladder and some extra cord to lengthen the access cord to the attic door. After tying on a longer piece of cord, so that now the cord is within easy reach, I put the step ladder back away and grab the cord to open the door.

Then I go back to my bar where my computer is and ‘Google’, “How to tie a non-slip knot?”. This is when I have my first small nip of Scotch.

Thus armed with my new found knowledge I return to the garage, retie the knot, put the step ladder back up again and pull down on the cord. One of the dogs licking me on my face wakes me up. At this juncture you have probably figured out that in my excitement of tying the knot the correct way I forgot to stand behind the door and not in front it. If that was what you thought, you were correct in your assumption.

As I slowly return to full consciousness I see that all four of our cats have placed themselves at various places in the garage, all looking at me and I swear to God they are laughing at me. Well, it will be a real long time before they get any catnip from me, that’s for sure. I go back to inside the house.

After I stop the bleeding, I place a band aid on my forehead and go to my bar and have my second wee nip of Scotch. Okay, okay, so it was a bit more than a ‘wee’ nip, none of your business is it? So cut me some slack. Hmm, speaking of ‘cut’, I noticed that my arm is bleeding, haven’t a clue how and when that happened. So back to the bathroom, put on another band aid and start to head out back into the garage when;

“Honey, are you okay? Is everything all right?”

Ha! As if she didn’t know, all part of her plan I’m sure. “Yes dear, no problems, everything going just hunky-e-dory. All’s well my sweetheart.”

“Okay, just checking, oh, Dallas is still losing. Can I get you anything?”

Yeah, a new brain would be just great, “No dear, I’m fine. I’ll just get back to work why don’t I.”

With that spirited conversation concluded I return to the garage and then now open attic door with the attached ladder extended. I start to go up the ladder when I remember, the light switch, I go over, turn on the attic light, go back to the ladder and climb up into the attic. Then I come back down the ladder, go back into the house and get a new light bulb, as the one in the attic has burned out. New light bulb in hand I go back out to the garage, go to the ladder and go up into the attic. Oops, it is really, really dark in the attic.

I go back down the ladder, back into the house and get a flashlight (torch, an electric one, not one with the proper oily bit on the end). Yes, I did check to make sure it worked, bet you lot thought that I would forget to do that, didn’t you? Now thusly armed with an artificial illumination device I mount the stairs one more time. I replace the bulb and look around triumphantly.

Now I have successfully gained access into attic, part one of this mission is completed. Now for part two, remove the empty outdoor decorations boxes from the attic and into the garage where I can move them into the front yard to be filled with all the crap that I put out before Christmas. Okay, I grab the first box, take it over to the opening and throw it out onto the garage floor. ‘Crash’! Oops, that could have been a wrong box.

Back down the ladder. I walk over and look at the cardboard box, looks okay on the outside, hmm, appears to be some writing on the box. ‘FRAGILE Great-grandmother’s antique tea set.’ Uh-oh.

“Honey, are you alright, I heard something? Is everything okay?”

Oh sure, I damn near get killed out here dozens of times and she hears squat, but the second something of hers might be damaged, she has super hearing. “No, no problems honey, all is well.”

“Well what did I hear, I heard something break?”

“Huh, I err, hmm dropped a light bulb, I had to replace the attic light, it was burned out.”

“Didn’t sound like a light bulb.”

“It was a big light bulb.”

“Well okay, just be careful honey. It’s really not that important, why don’t you wait until one of the boys come home to help you?”

Oh sure, now she says not important, now she says wait for one of the boys to come home. “No, I’ll be okay, I’m already started, might as well finish.”

“Would you like me to come out and help? No way Dallas is going to win, so why don’t I come out and help you.”

“NO! I mean not just yet honey, maybe in a little while, okay?”

“Alright dear, just let me know and I’ll be happy to help.”

Okay, now what to do with the evidence? I grab the box and go back up into the attic, after looking around I see a very dark corner. Right then, I put there as far back into the recesses of darkness that I can. Okay, nobody will find that until we move, if we ever do. Now back to getting the outdoor Christmas stuff boxes down and out. This goes quickly and soon all the appropriate boxes are down and have been moved to the front yard. In celebration I go back to my bar and have a celebratory Scotch.

Thusly fortified with Scotch I return to the chore at hand. First I disconnect all of the extension cords, roll them up and place them into the appropriate box along with the automated timer boxes and connection boxes. Next all of the ‘cute’ little reindeers, angels, soldiers and electrical candy canes, are all carried to the shed in the back yard and put away. Hell, this is going easier and faster than I thought, time for another Scotch.

Now re-fortified, I go back out and study the remaining outdoor decorations; the lights. Let me tell all of you something. There are thousands of lights, big multi-colored lights, icicle lights, flashing lights and small light strands everywhere. There are lights on the roof eves all across the entire front of the house, all the hedges are covered in lights, all the bushes are covered in lights, all the small trees are covered in lights, all of the trunks of the big tree have lights wrapped them and the ivy bed, that is the size of a swimming pool, is outlined in lights, not to mention the four statues that I covered in lights.

I decide that starting at the top seemed the best way to proceed. About this time a couple of cars pull into the driveway. It is number two son and a friend of his; they had been out playing golf.

“Hi dad, I see mom’s got you taking down the Christmas stuff.”

My son as always been gifted with seeing the bleedin’ obvious. “Hi guys, yeah, not too much to go now, how was the round?”

“So so, I was four over and Clint was par. Hang on a minute and we’ll help you.”

‘Well, four over, big deal, dang showoffs, mumble, mumble,’ “Take your time, I’ve pretty well have it covered.”

“Dad, please don’t mess with the roof eve lights, we’ll take care of those, really. You don’t need to be climbing ladders.”

Ah, the arrogances of youth, okay, okay so 33 is not so young, big deal. “Don’t worry about it son, I’ll start on the lights on the statues.”

After I take down the roof eve lights. Ha, ha. I’ll show ‘em. I go into the garage and get the extension ladder, go out the side door of the garage, extend the ladder to where it will reach the roof so I can climb up and start taking the lights down.

As I start up the ladder I notice that I placed the bottom of the ladder just in front of the side garage door. Wait a minute, does that door open in, or out………………………..

“Are you sure we should not call an ambulance? That was a terrible fall he took.” I vaguely hear my wife ask.

“No, the bump on the back of his head is outward and I stitched the second cut on his forehead. His eye dilation in both eyes is good. Aspirin should handle the pain. He’s coming around now. How do you feel?” I the dim recesses of my mind I somehow recognize the voice of my son’s friend Clint, who is an Emergency Room doctor. “Lucky for you I always carry an emergency kit, even when I play golf.”

‘Huh, what happened?”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I opened the side door, didn’t see the ladder until it was too late and you fell. God I feel so sorry, I promise that you’ll never have to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations ever again, I promise.” I am looking at her while she is saying this, her face is pale and tears are coming out of her eyes.

Ah I think, success, success at last. I smile. “Would you go get me a Scotch?”

30th Nov 2013, 16:48
Still makes me laugh con :D

You are excused brussel sprouts for another year.

30th Nov 2013, 16:48
Joy of having a littlie born just before Christmas :D

I state publicly to friends and neighbours that birthday is too important to me to want to put up a Christmas tree or lights until after it.

They get put up a few days before Christmas after the birthday.

30th Nov 2013, 16:52
Neighbour of ours not only lights up her house but also her rather large bush every year. Must say it looks very attractive.

30th Nov 2013, 16:58
also her rather large bush

Rude man!

You shouldn't be looking :=

Loose rivets
30th Nov 2013, 17:11
Where does she plug the bush lights in?:confused:

30th Nov 2013, 17:15
Where does she plug the bush lights in?http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/confused.gif

You plug something into this and it lights up................

30th Nov 2013, 17:58
To answer the original question:

Because they can!

30th Nov 2013, 18:02
Only if you let them get away with it.

Yes, sometimes you let some "go through to the keeper" but let them get away with it to often and it becomes the norm.

Gertrude the Wombat
30th Nov 2013, 18:18
They get put up a few days before Christmas after the birthday
I was brought up to put up the decorations on Christmas Eve.

30th Nov 2013, 18:30
Gordy :D

Have got the pleasure of enjoying running out of cable ties, cleaning contacts and trying to set the timer, in freezing winds, tomorrow.

Wish me luck:p

30th Nov 2013, 18:30
I was brought up to put up the decorations on Christmas Eve.
Indeed. As I understand it, in pre-commercial times the modest Christmas decorations - holly, ivy etc - were put up on Christmas Eve and taken down on Twelfth Night. Now, they are put up a month before Christmas Day and pulled down the day after.

30th Nov 2013, 18:32
I was brought up to put up the decorations on Christmas Eve.
Quite so - Advent begins on 1 Dec, Christmas starts at midnight on Christmas Eve and Epiphany starts on 6 Jan.

30th Nov 2013, 20:05
I was brought up to put up the decorations on Christmas Eve.
Likewise - done after the wee'ens had gone to bed so that it was a sudden surprise on Christmas morning.
Decorations stayed until January 6th then they had to be removed (12th Night and all that).

30th Nov 2013, 21:32
Chavvy bunch next door (can't be described as neighbours) put theirs up last Saturday..

Being the types they are, they only switch them on when they have someone coming round.

30th Nov 2013, 21:45
That's a superb display! It must have taken you hours. Well done, I've been looking for inspiration for my lights this year, I think I've just found it!

Me too! Gordy, if you can get away with it, then maybe we all can...... :ok:

I think we now have half a dozen sets of Christmas lights (we've even gone supposedly "everlasting" LED - oh no they're not). Every year they go in the storage box all neatly wound into separate, neat coils by yours truly. Every year they somehow knit themselves together into an unfathomable mess (i.e as soon as my wife touches them). Yours truly's job to sort out, apparently.

This year they get hung up just as they come out of the box!!

Trouble is, I think I'll be on the adjacent hook, figuratively speaking.

30th Nov 2013, 21:56
Just finished with the outside lights yesterday. Around 4000 bulbs this year.

Off to get the tree this afternoon. For some reason, our regular place for our tree hasn't opened yet so I'll have to go scouting. Fortunately, I don't have to make the final decision. The Mother-in-Law is going with me to "help" pick it out. :hmm:

And for those of you who didn't see Con's post five years ago, I'll say it again.

I married Con's Sister-in-Law. :rolleyes:

1st Dec 2013, 00:13
Same story with the same lines every year.

Outside lights MsVFD is there with female supervision for a very short time until the TOO's set in.
It's too cold
It's too windy
It's too high
It's too hard
Then I am left alone to install the lights.

The tree, I usually set it up with lights and turn the decorations over to MsVFD. Then the vicious cycle starts.
A. I sit down for a few minutes until Ms declares you are not helping me and I install an ornament. Then B
B. I am instructed that I am installing the ornament in the incorrect position. Then A. Then B Then A Then B. ad infinitum until the tree is decorated.

Happy Holiday's to all


Worrals in the wilds
1st Dec 2013, 00:35
I was brought up to put up the decorations on Christmas Eve.
My mother used to try that but got out-voted by the rest of the tribe. I usually put mine up a week or two before Christmas and leave them up until twelfth night.

Gordy and Con-pilot, love your work. :ok::cool:

1st Dec 2013, 00:42
con, the sulotion is simple, get her to open the attic access door - pruvlem solved :E

One could just simply take SWMBO around town at night stopping at the front of houses of those victim husbands, then drop her off home as you head to the pub.

Pinky the pilot
1st Dec 2013, 03:21
Thanks for the laughs again Con-pilot.:ok: And cattletruck beat me to it.

Will raise a glass or two of a single Malt for you on Christmas Eve.*

*And if it's 40C at the time then Yes, it will have a bit of ice in it!!:D

1st Dec 2013, 03:40
with female supervision for a very short time

We all get up to this sort of shit whenever there's a definite lack of female supervision...








This last one I can't help thinking would be something Drapes'd do! :}

1st Dec 2013, 06:31
But why do wives make us married men feel so useless and why do we put up with it.
because you secretly enjoy it, or why else would you let them? :E

warmest wishes to RbG! :cool:

1st Dec 2013, 12:36
Part II- Second set of dripping LED icycles purchased at Lidl after Church and Christmas Fair this morning.

Standing up stepladder fastening them to catenary wire, when bloodcurdling scream was heard from kitchen where Mrs OFSO cooking Sunday lunch. What have I done ? Not even plugged in yet ! Raced indoors to find thousands of ants swarming over the cooker top. This is because they have been driven out of the house foundations following "The Withering Shower of Sh*t which poured onto El Cocodrillo" episode last Monday.

Sprayed, powdered, ants dead, back outside to continuing cable-tying 3.5v dc feed to LED icycles. Mrs OFSO comes out and said "it's still missing something, you know." Dead ants, maybe ?

Hombre Con-pilot is right: why don't they put up Christmas Decorations in June or July......

1st Dec 2013, 12:42
Radeng household doesn't bother....much less trouble! Mrs Radeng runs to an Advent calendar and that's about it.

1st Dec 2013, 13:45
MikeDreamer787, you've just reminded me of the time I left my Mole grips in the bowl of Brazil nuts when we had guests coming round. The now ex-Mrs Mechta was deaf to my pleas of 'best tool for the job' and described me as 'uncivilized'...

For those that don't call them Mole grips:


1st Dec 2013, 14:41
You could always swap them for a 4lb lump hammer.

Krystal n chips
1st Dec 2013, 14:44
Alas, the theme of Christmas lights so far pales into insignificance in contrast to the efforts of this little bastion of Mail reading Middle Hingerlundshire......I know, but is has to be said.

The A518 runs through this quaint, every house has at least a double garage and the expensive range of cars to match, mwah !.....hamlet.

And so to....... the lights.....


The local populace seem to think their illuminations somehow enhance this Valhalla of rural opulence.....sadly, the population have no idea as to what the difference is between garish / crass....... and aesthetic displays.....see above.

Driving through when the lights are on, is, at best, distracting and dazzling in places. I was talking to a bus driver once about them....his opinion was that they were a serious distraction given the profusion and concentration of lights on display.

Only the locals could take delight in the inconvenience they cause drivers and only the locals could think the displays are somehow attractive.

1st Dec 2013, 14:51
Just finished with the outside lights yesterday. Around 4000 bulbs this year.

Off to get the tree this afternoon. For some reason, our regular place for our tree hasn't opened yet so I'll have to go scouting. Fortunately, I don't have to make the final decision. The Mother-in-Law is going with me to "help" pick it out. http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/yeees.gif

And for those of you who didn't see Con's post five years ago, I'll say it again.

I married Con's Sister-in-Law. :rolleyes:

You know there are lots of WHY ? in your post and want to think of asking the question but reminding you about it would be cruel.
Think you have already paid your debt to society..........:E:E

1st Dec 2013, 15:09
Driving through when the lights are on, is, at best, distracting and dazzling in places. I was talking to a bus driver once about them....his opinion was that they were a serious distraction given the profusion and concentration of lights on display.

Only the locals could take delight in the inconvenience they cause drivers and only the locals could think the displays are somehow attractive.

Mate married to someone where house had couple of trees outside and he spent ages decorating them when they were married and all around the house. She made life hell and woebetide if some neighbout had better as then was a trip to somewhere to get more lights. A harridan of harridans.

One Christmas she p***** off with the boss she been screwing since last Christmas party much to the delight of many, a couple so aptly put together, karma worked in his favour. She wanted the house but he offered her a quick settlement to walk away............bint took it as well.

First job after house completely transferred in the summer into his name was to hire a chainsaw and cut down the trees. Saw it as a cleansing and at the open BBQ that many of his neighbours attended they agreed.

Gang of us out at dinner one night and new g/f talked about having lots of Christmas lights outside etc but after a girlie visit to ladies (what do they do there ?) she decided that maybe not a good idea as a bit crass. Think that won over the guys to her. :E

1st Dec 2013, 23:36
I read the comments on JB from people about wives, and I really feel that
a) I am unique in having none of these problems
b) there's a hell of a lot of unlucky guys on JB

Which is it?

1st Dec 2013, 23:38
Bit of both but you are unique :O

2nd Dec 2013, 00:46
I have my own house, my wife has hers, she can decorate away to her hearts content !

2nd Dec 2013, 08:07
There's a reason the life insurance is due in November.

2nd Dec 2013, 08:18

+1, +1, +1

The amount electricity that is wasted on this pagan festival. You'd need a newkleer reactor to power it all.

2nd Dec 2013, 09:29
I read the comments on JB from people about wives, and I really feel that
a) I am unique in having none of these problems
b) there's a hell of a lot of unlucky guys on JB
Which is it?

could it be that you're deprived of the need for using poetic licences? :cool:

as for the Xmas lights - in the Dark Areas (not to be confused with Eras) (where the darkness in winter is totally agressive like a Dark Hole where everything is absorbed into, I'd say,... until the snow liberates us with its uplifting white... until it becomes white sh1t one needs to showel, showel and showel...) - well, aren't the Xmas lights just another form of cheering oneself up?
(even Gordy's are, I'm sure, a nice round sparkling ball in the darkness of the night :cool:)

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT4PlmvDafQWzGEtktKohyFP092jTkJT0KC6ETY2wk Np6Pkn_lj

Rather be Gardening
2nd Dec 2013, 11:17
Probes - :ok::D I've been looking for an excuse to restart the tradition of the Winter Solstice Bonfire - a bit of light and warmth to drive away the demons of darkness. Any grumpy [email protected]@ers can clamber on top......

Alloa Akbar
2nd Dec 2013, 12:25
Just got that text from SWMBO this morning whilst at work..

"You bstard, I am leaving you.."??

Naa much worse..

"Sweetheart shall we put up the Christmas dec's tonight?" xx

Its the "xx" on the end of the text that carries most weight.. The "xx" means "Don't even think about refusing or your sorry ass will wish it had never been born!"

2nd Dec 2013, 18:56
there's a hell of a lot of unlucky guys on JB

You got that right. :(

2nd Dec 2013, 19:03
there's a hell of a lot of unlucky guys on JB

Why else do you think most blokes come to a place like this? :}

2nd Dec 2013, 19:36
Just put up my Christmas lights this very morning.

Two GU10 halogen bulbs needed replacing in the kitchen so I went all modern and hi-tech down at Wickes; I bought and fitted two LED replacements (at well over four quid each, no less). Let no-one say I don't get in the Christmas mood.

Showed them to the wife and told her this is my contribution this year. The hand signal she gave me indicates she would like two more lights putting up.

2nd Dec 2013, 19:44
Personally I like my Christmas decorations:


2nd Dec 2013, 19:46
Why do wives do this ?

They can't help themselves, as they are countersunk.

RG: love the pic. :ok:

2nd Dec 2013, 19:47
Of course, after the light decorating ceremonies, there is also the annual hunt:


2nd Dec 2013, 19:50
I won't start a pissing contest RGB but...


2nd Dec 2013, 21:34
Tonight's talk:

me to Mrs Radeng: "Is there anything you want for Christmas?"

She: " Not that I can think of - what do you want?

Me: " Nothing I can think of"

She: "OK, we'll make do with each other".

Have I screwed it up or whatever?

Worrals in the wilds
3rd Dec 2013, 04:50
Love the pics.
I can only find two thirds of my (artificial) Christmas tree :\:ugh:. Not the top two thirds either, which at least could have been modified into a shorter tree. :8

Given that I haven't thrown it out, no one in their right minds would have nicked it but I still can't find it anywhere, I'm temporarily in Bah Humbug mode. :*

3rd Dec 2013, 10:08
I love the installation of the gas meter, RG !

Loose rivets
3rd Dec 2013, 16:58
Very typical. I went to a lovely house that was being demolished, to buy the front door, the AC system, and the water heater. The last two were gas. Way in the distance by the road the meter had been hit by a truck at least, pipes bent and glass smashed. The house was ripped out inside into the wood framing state. I set about draining the water heater. It was hot!

So much 'code' rules the dickin' with US stuff, but no one cares.

3rd Dec 2013, 18:37
Having been "shown the Vee" by my wife about the two replacement LED lights in the kitchen being my only contribution to the Christmas lights, I thought I'd better be a bit more adventurous. Do we think she'd appreciate something like these? :E


Rather be Gardening
3rd Dec 2013, 19:42
Love it!:D

3rd Dec 2013, 20:43
Why else do you think most blokes come to a place like this? http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/badteeth.gif

Because House of Ill Repute is off limits given propensity of Judges to award everything including future earnings to scorned lady...............perhaps.

Loose rivets
3rd Dec 2013, 21:03
Could have sworn I'd posted this. The definitive answer to the thread.

BBC News - Men and women's brains are 'wired differently' (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25198063)

6th Dec 2013, 11:21
Mrs OFSO ordered the dripping icycle LEDs lights I strung from a wire in the front yard be move to the terrace where we could see them when we sat in the living room as opposed to from the kitchen window.

So I'm up there with head in the power box and she says "those ones are working but the others aren't". Me: "aaargh. I can't see a bloody thing against the sunlight even if my head were not in the power box. Which are 'those' and which are "the others" ???

Things better left alone.

Gertrude the Wombat
6th Dec 2013, 11:25
Round my way the outside lights are put up without any intervention from me - the garden is hers, not mine.

(I suspect however that she has in the past got the kids to do the tree climbing bit - I'll find out soon, as we don't have any kids around this year.)