View Full Version : What should we thank the French for?

30th Apr 2002, 22:20

They eat strange food, they make love with their mouths, they drink awfull smelling wine when everyone knows that its beer that keeps you alive the longest, they lose (badly) at Rugby, and worst of all, they're only 20 miles away at closest point of approach.

Here is a letter I have today sent to The Admiralty.

Dear First Sea Lord,

Please bomb France at once.

Our brave crews in the Vanguard boats at Faslane are such enthusiastic chaps, could I perhaps request popping out of Gare Lock just long enough to launch a quicky Trident or two at the dreadful frogs, since they are so clearly, taking over england.

If I want a sandwich, I have to go to a 'Pret a Manger', whatever that means, if I fancy a quick snack at Waterloo I'm compelled to eat a baguette, and wine bars are popping up all over London, gadzooks!

Enough is enough. I have never begrudged my tax pound going to the RN, but I shall think it highly unreasonable of you if you don't nuke the garlicy blighters right this bleedin' minute.

Britannia Rule The Waves.

Mr. C Khazi
Saaaaf end Upon Sea.

That should do the trick, don't you think?

30th Apr 2002, 22:33
quite right.
Nuke them? why not invade them, sell/use all their resources/assets, put all this money into the NHS, defence etc

30th Apr 2002, 22:45
What have the French ever done for us?

Catherine Deneuve
Parking meters that don't charge over the lunch hour
The Languedoc
The Riviera
The Alpes Maritimes
A bloody good football team most of whom play for Anglais clubs

Allez France!

30th Apr 2002, 22:59
I wrote a similar letter.

Dear First Sea Lord,

Please bomb France at once.

I didn't feel any further explanation was necessary.

What would we do with that useless landmass after the frogs have gone.

If we detatched it from all neighbouring countries we could send all our criminals there. Give it a hundred years or so and it may turn into a half decent place to visit, look at Austrailia, that's shaping up quite nicely.

If we also break off a big chunk of the northern area off and give it up to the sea we could encourage fish stocks to grow there.

Yes, on balance I think there are many more uses for the area known as France more usefull than it is today. Who wants to have a third world country as it's neighbours anyway.

30th Apr 2002, 23:02
World War II
World War I

I believe that Nepolean must have been an error, there is no way that France could have won a battle on the battle field :D


1st May 2002, 02:21
How about "Lafayette" Wino !? :D

1st May 2002, 02:27
You know, Cammy Khazi reminds me of someone else . . . .

He seems to speak pretty comfortably for someone who has just joined . . . . .

Just thinking aloud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Need I go further?
. . . . . .

1st May 2002, 06:21
I say, can't have you ripping into the French like that old chap! If we vapourised the French, who would we have left to despise? The Americans? Heavens above! The colonists are beneath disdain.

Face facts CammyKhazi, we NEED the French, much as they need us. Every nation needs that special neighbour to look down upon, laugh at, sneer at their peculiar food and blame for all that goes wrong.

Three cheers for the French! Hip-hip! Pfffthheeewwgh!

P.S. With reference to Wino's comment, the answer is that Old Boney wasn't really French. He was Corsican. [Being almost Italian probably helps explain the retreat from Russia too.]

Through difficulties to the cinema

1st May 2002, 08:15
Cammy here in Nam if its French you go for it! Doctors expecialy.

Boss Raptor
1st May 2002, 09:16
I go with Unwell_Raptor's list...plus add 'the more civilised and nicest places to live in West Africa'...ahh the Presunic Supermarche in Dakar...and a Pastis by le plage...

Capt. Crosswind
1st May 2002, 09:31
What to thank the French for ??
* Les Femme , who are very happy to be women.
* The very civilized four hour lunch.

1st May 2002, 09:32
Have the Raptor brothers ever disagreed with each other? :p

PS btw whos the older sibling? Unwell or Boss? And wheres old mum Raptor?

1st May 2002, 09:42
Q. How many french troops does it take to defend Paris?
A. ******ed if I know, I dont think its ever been done!!
(and the bastards want to build over the graves of Aussies and other southern hemisphere success stories who defended the place when they probably couldnt have given a hoot who owned which part of europe! The countries over there are only the size of a decent cattle station anyway.
Now pass me another beer shiela, and turn up the telle, I think we've just won another world cup!

Dr. Hibbert
1st May 2002, 09:57

Not to mention the naval references....

I think you're onto something, Holmes.

Bit mild for his/her normal standard though, unless we're building to a big finale....

1st May 2002, 10:19
yes, CammyKhazi is a bit , well, sure of himself, considering he only registered yesterday ( 30th april ). definitely a new name for someone me thinks.

Lima Tambo
1st May 2002, 10:45
Of course if you want REAL French Wine you have to look to Chile. The French stuff is really all Californian import.

1st May 2002, 12:48
making me work today...............

Because the French aren't working today.........I have to!

1st May 2002, 13:20
Total nonsense, LT.

1st May 2002, 13:24
How about we thank them for keeping the European Aviation Manufacturing Industry alive.................?

(Now ducks as several hundred bricks come through window)

Lima Tambo
1st May 2002, 16:08

Chilean vineyards were all started using imported French vines many many years ago.

Phyloxera wiped out all the vines in France. So the French had to re-import some vines from Chile and graft them onto Californian root stock (phyloxera resistant).

So Go Figure.

1st May 2002, 16:33
Complete and utter nonsense.

You've clearly misunderstood something you saw quite some time ago. When do you suggest this was, precisely?

Your latest post doesn't even agree with the earlier one. Even had some viticulturalists imported some grape varieties from Chile (which, I grant, is a possibility, though I've not heard of it), that does not mean that you have to go to Chile to get French wine, nor does it mean that "the French stuff is all Californian import".

What sorted out the phylloxera problem was grafting French vines onto American carriers which were naturally insect-resistant. The grapes themselves were basically the same varieties previously grown. There was no mass-import of any outside vine varieties. The grape varieties are the same as they were pre-phylloxera. They are grown in France, made into wine by French vintners. Otherwise they are not permitted to use the AOC term on the label.

1st May 2002, 18:37
Catherine Deneuve

Brigitte Bardot (pre loony years)

Boss Raptor
1st May 2002, 18:37
Slasher the 'Raptor Bros.' are not related as far (as I am aware), seem to have inhabited the same areas of West London though :eek: and have never met...for the record...

Just back from Toulouse...oh the Airbus 'Canteen' and the eye candy 'au restaurant'...pastis here we come...

PS. my mum is 'Bitch Raptor'...if anything... :rolleyes:

Celtic Emerald
1st May 2002, 18:50
Giving birth to my boss, his mother is French. Mind you I pulled his nose today (We have eh a rather informal relationship). He unwittingly threw me mug in the bin when I was off for a few days cause it said 'Cancer' on it, cancer being my birth sign & of no reference to the disease. He thought it sounded morbid even though there was a great big bloody crab on it. Thats what you get when you try to avoid office politics. He has to go & rummage in the bin for it tonight & it better bloody disinfect before he gives it back. Men honestly! :rolleyes:


1st May 2002, 19:12
Boss Raptor is a harmless coincidence. We are neither related nor acquainted.


Toss of head.

Besides we haven't been introduced.

1st May 2002, 20:03
St. Andre cheese and Champagne. That's it - nothing else.

1st May 2002, 20:13
....For making helicopters that go the wrong way round...and for the manuals that go with them the most god-awful mystery trips you've ever tried to comprehend...

But they did take the heat off Mr Bell, 'cos we used to moan about his books pre ATA 100.....even with ATA refs it's a miracle more don't die on our european cousins' creations.....

Can't say anything about French planks, but they seem to have improved since they disconnected the 'pooters & put Biggles back in charge (didn't they?)

Luvnstuffxxxx mon cher:confused: :confused: :confused:

1st May 2002, 20:16
Just like to apologise for opening the doors when off duty....
It's been a busy day....


Send Clowns
1st May 2002, 20:23
Mmmmm, I wonder. I know who one Raptor is, if I can find the other then we might find a connection ... ;)

Mac the Knife
1st May 2002, 20:33
Pas beaucoup!

French -- blunt or offensive language ('pardon my French')
French bath -- erotic licking of s*xual partner's body
French blue -- mixture of barbiturate & amphetamine, usually in capsules
French cap -- condom
French deck -- deck of cards, each card having an erotic picture
French film -- sexual film, esp. pornographic
French f*ck -- pen*s between female breasts, manual clitoral stimulation
French furlough -- to be AWOL (cf French liberty)
French handshake -- tickling palm with middle finger while handshaking
French harp -- harmonica
French inhale -- taking puff, exhaling and then inhaling same smoke again
French kiss -- open-mouthed kiss with tongue in other's mouth
French landing -- landing on two main wheels with tail held in air
* never heard that one before - derivation what(!!)? *
French leave -- to be AWOL, see French furlough
French letter -- condom
French windows -- full height glazed doors/windows
French liberty -- to be AWOL
French novel -- p*rnographic, se*ually indecent
French pass -- see French furlough
French polish -- elbow grease
French postcard -- erot*c photo on reverse
French safe -- condom (French tickler ...)
French sickness -- venereal disease
French-speak (to speak French) -- oral copulation, fell*tio, cunn*lingus
French tickler -- condom, esp. one modified for extra stimulation
French 75 -- 75-mm WWI cannon; drink of champagne, cognac & lemon juice

Ah, mais les gonzesses, le vin, les fromages, la poesie, le pays - j'adore ça!

Moritz, you're at it again....

Lima Tambo
1st May 2002, 20:36
"By 1865, phylloxera had spread to vines in Provence. Over the next 20 years, it inhabited and decimated nearly all the vineyards of Europe.

It was finally realized that the native American vines were resistant. So, there began a long, laborious process of grafting every wine vine in Europe over to American rootstocks. It was only in this manner that the European wine industry could be retrieved from extinction. Another tragic consequence is that many of the native species indigenous to Europe, since they were of negligible commercial value, were not perpetuated by grafting.

There was some debate generated by this replanting that the quality declined in "post-phylloxera" wines. Whether this was indeed the case and whether this was due to the rootstocks themselves or to the relatively sudden and nearly universal youth of the vines, or to some other concurrent factor, is unknown and may never be proven."

Yankee Vine-Killer Bug (http://www.winepros.org/wine101/history.htm)

"Grapes for wine have been produced at Los Vascos since the mid-eighteenth century. Today’s vines are the product of the selective multiplication of plants originally brought from pre-phyloxera 19th Century from France. The vision of Domaines Barons de Rothschild (Lafite) to expand their estates, took them to South America in 1988, becoming the first French viticultural investment in modern Chile."

Lafite Rothschild's Chilean Wine (http://www.lafite.com/us/domaine/vascos.html)

tony draper
1st May 2002, 20:50
Frenchie don't surf ;)

1st May 2002, 21:16
the French are the Best.

We have the best wine, women, cuisine, poetry, literature, opera, theatre, cinema, culture, music, education system, political system, armed forces, health system, social security, tax system, autoroute, agriculture, beaches, railway, airlines, ATC system, hypermarkets, joie de vivre and language.

And We Invented the INTERNET, pof!

1st May 2002, 21:29
24 hour endurance races and a sensible attitude to motorcycles and the need for them to be ridden very fast.

Oh and comedy rioting (you had to be there to understand):D

1st May 2002, 21:50
Oh dear, LT. All that is correct. It still does not mean that your original statement, with which I took issue,Of course if you want REAL French Wine you have to look to Chile. The French stuff is really all Californian import.is correct.

No mention there of vine stocks being returned to France from Chile. No mention of Chilean wine being marketed as French. No mention of Californian wine being marketed as French, or vice versa.

No American grape varieties are used in French wine production. The French vines were grafted onto American rootstocks. Perhaps you don't understand quite what this means?

Send Clowns
1st May 2002, 23:16
The French never forgave us for defeating Napolean, they never admitted he was a tyrannical despot who wanted to subjugate Europe. They then suffered the humiliation of being rescued by us twice, for which they never forgave us either. Not too happy with us sinking their Fleet in the Med either time :eek:

1st May 2002, 23:19
Napoleon III and the "Emperor" Maximilian of Mexico.

They represent the very epitome of 19th century French international statesmanship.;)

1st May 2002, 23:34
Don't worry about it, SC - why do you think the Channel Tunnel trains, instead of going to Victoria, like any other sensible train from Kent, get routed all the way around London to have the Frenchies arrive at Waterloo? :D

Clarence Oveur
1st May 2002, 23:42
That is probably because the british haven't got a clue, about how to run a train service. ;)

2nd May 2002, 00:25
Whats Jesus got to do with it, Pillock?

Bomb the bastards, BOMB 'em NOW!

Nuke 'em all and I can have that Pontins camp in Antibes that I've alwys wanted in place of all them poncie flash boats.

2nd May 2002, 01:21
Haven't seen a reason so far against wiping the frogs of the face of the earth. I may have the odd dispute whith the Jocks, Welsh and Rish but they all equally deserve to beathe the same air as I do unlike the F***ch.

2nd May 2002, 02:12
the auqaducts!!!!!!!

(Had to)

2nd May 2002, 02:22
Hey CammiKhazi!

Please tell us what kinda plane you gonna use? Which of the "air-worthy" museum-ripe bombers are you gonna use? Victor, Vulcan ... :rolleyes:

Les Francais ...

Louis XIV?
Quiche Lorraine?
the tender love towards their neighbors accross the channel?
... the irresistable accent that makes a woman's heart melt?

It is interesting that wars are seen here as sportsmanship. Were the French not the first that bombed Berlin?

2nd May 2002, 07:29

2nd May 2002, 08:18
Monsieur Draper:

The surfing in Biarritz is the best in the world!

2nd May 2002, 08:34
For hundreds of years the French have supplied us with the most sought after battlefields. And what thanks do they get?
:D :D :D

Send Clowns
2nd May 2002, 08:51
Bollox, Huge. The best surfing in Europe is on the north coast of Cornwall (Kernow - the fifth country of the United Kingdom :D ). Well known fact. Even I wouldn't claim the world prize for it though, especially not with Aussies reading :eek:

We trounce them Lobotumi!

Lima Tambo
2nd May 2002, 09:31
"cheap wine from another district was added to the chateau's wine, wine from two different vintages were blended together, excess sugar was added to the wine to raise the alcohol content, and wood chips were used to give some of the chateau's wine the taste and smell of wine that had been aged in oak barrels.

Giscours, one of the largest estates in the Medoc, was one of the 61 chateaus -- out of thousands in Bordeaux -- that were included in the 1855 classification that remains the standard by which prestige Bordeaux wines are known"

Wine Fraud (http://www.winetoday.com/story/99901497.html)

"Tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of bottles of some of the country's top wines could be affected by the scam, which police said involved grands crus being "cut" with low-grade plonk and inferior wines being labelled as high-quality.

A Dijon fraud squad spokesman said most of the major wines of Burgundy's sought-after Côte d'Or region were concerned, including Beaune premier cru, Pommard premier cru, Volnay, Gevrey-Chambertin, Meursault premier cru and Nuits-Saint-Georges.

"It is a very serious matter indeed," the spokesman said. "Some very classy wines that can change hands even when young for over £100 a bottle have been cut with up to 30% of rubbish from the Midi or Languedoc, and generic Burgundy table wine has been sold as premier cru."

One Beaune-based company, Goichot, is suspected of adding quantities of vin ordinaire to stocks of undrinkable waste wine that were meant to be turned into vinegar, and passing the result off as a middle of the range Burgundy.

The scale of the swindle has staggered experts and local officials and could prove highly damaging to the region's growers

More Wine Fraud (http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0%2C3604%2C416344%2C00.html)

2nd May 2002, 09:50
The French invented the Internet.

2nd May 2002, 19:02
I quite like the French. Along with the Italians, they've worked out what's important and what's not.

Food, wine & women are important. Arguing over who would beat who in a fight, however, is something I'd grown out of by the age of 12 :)


PS. My understanding is that the best surfing is in Donegal. But wrap up warm !!