View Full Version : Existential Emergency Phone

17th May 2013, 16:41
Existential Emergency Phone (http://www.instructables.com/id/Existential-Emergency-Phone/)

The Existential Emergency Phone is a multipurpose tool for handling all of life's uncertainties. It can be used for both dialing out and calling in. The way that it works is that when you pick up the handset, the telephone makes a call using a custom cellular module to a list of predefined phone numbers. Whether the phone calls a list of people you know, a list of people you don't know, or randomly dials strangers in your area code, is really up to you. Alternately, the number can be distributed to people with existential emergencies and they can dial in for others to answer. The many manners in which the phone can be used makes it well suited for processing existential emergencies both outgoing and incoming.

Step 1: Go Get Stuff

You will need:

(x1) red 2500-style no-dial phone
(x1) Arduino Uno
(x1) Cellular Shield
(x1) Ag1170 SLIC
(x1) PC Board
(x4) 1N4004 diodes
(x1) Prepaid SIM card
(x1) BZT03C82 or P6KE82 diode
(x4) 0.1uF ceramic capacitors
(x1) 220uF, 10V, Rubycon ZL capacitor
(x1) 100uF, 6.3v capacitor
(x1) 10uF, 25v capacitor
(x1) 1uF, 25v capacitor
(x1) 10ohm resistor
(x1) 7805 regulator
(x1) quad band antenna
(x1) 6" x 6" x 1/8" acrylic (bracket template below)
(x1) 6" x 6" x 1/8" mat white acrylic (sign template below)
(x1) M-type power socket
(x1) 9V / 1A power supply
(x1) Black acrylic paint
(x1) Double-sided tape
(x1) Contact adhesive
(x1) assorted shrink tube
(x1) assorted zip ties
(x1) assorted nuts and bolts (4-40 and 6-32 ideal)
(x1) 22awg wire (stranded - red, black, and green)
(x1) 22awg wire (solid - red, black, and green)

Step 2: Build the Circuit (http://www.instructables.com/id/Existential-Emergency-Phone/step2/Build-the-Circuit/)

Step 3: Attach Wires (http://www.instructables.com/id/Existential-Emergency-Phone/step3/Attach-Wires/)

26 steps in all, or download the pdf file (http://www.instructables.com/id/Existential-Emergency-Phone/?download=pdf)......

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 16:45
surely to be effective it should incorporate a grenade, which detonates on lifting the handset thus converting an existential emergency into a rational emergency

17th May 2013, 16:51
Would that be a fragmentation grenade, Milo, or a flash-bang?

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 17:13
I always thought a flash-bang was something done behind the bushes at school

17th May 2013, 17:19
Dunno about you Milo but the only thing I did behind the bushes at school was piss. I reserved "extra-curricular" activities for the cornfields behind my school!!!!

17th May 2013, 17:58
which detonates on lifting the handset - does the kit have a "24 Virgins module" built in?

17th May 2013, 18:14
BOAC? I thought it was 72 virgins for those who like to blow things (people) up? Yet you make mention of only 24. Therefore, the question remains: what happened to the other 48? :}:}:}

17th May 2013, 18:25
It fragments into 3 pieces, turning the 24 into 72......

17th May 2013, 18:31
thank you for that clarification hellsbrink. Wouldn't want there to be any less number of virgins awaiting with open arms.

17th May 2013, 18:33
Yet you make mention of only 24 - I just want to close this deal! Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I'm not sure I'm 'up' to 72 any more, anyway.

EDIT: "open arms"??? Some folk are very easily pleased.............

17th May 2013, 18:39

What the bomb-making and bomb-detonating crowd don't realize, however, is the 72 virgins waiting for them with open "arms" aren't really what they probably have in mind. Nope.
What IS waiting for them are 72 of the below, with open arms:


Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 18:47
72 Virgins - WikiIslam (http://wikiislam.net/wiki/72_Virgins)

"In Islam, the concept of 72 virgins (houri) refers to an aspect of Jannah (Paradise). This concept is grounded in Qur'anic text which describe a sensual Paradise where believing men are rewarded by being wed[1] to virgins with "full grown", "swelling" or "pears-shaped" breasts.[2][3]

Contemporary mainstream Islamic scholars, for example; Gibril Haddad, have commented on the erotic nature of the Qur'anic Paradise, by saying some men may need ghusl (ablution required after sexual discharge) just for hearing certain verses.[4]

Orthodox Muslim theologians such as al-Ghazali (died 1111 CE) and al-Ash'ari (died 935 CE) have all discussed the sensual pleasures found in Paradise, relating hadith that describe Paradise as a slave market where there will be "no buy and sale, but... If any man will wish to have sexual intercourse with a woman, he will do at once."[5][6]

It is quoted by Ibn Kathir, in his Qur'anic Commentary, the Tafsir ibn Kathir,[7] and they are graphically described by Qur'anic commentator and polymath, al-Suyuti (died 1505), who, echoing a hasan hadith[8] from Ibn Majah,[9] wrote that the perpetual virgins will all "have appetizing vaginas", and that the "penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal".[10]

The sensual pleasures between believers and houri in Paradise are also confirmed by the two Sahih collections of hadith, namely Sahih Bukhari[11] and Sahih Muslim, where we read that they will be virgins who are so beautiful, pure and transparent that "the marrow of the bones of their legs will be seen through the bones and the flesh",[12] and that "the believers will visit and enjoy them".[13]

17th May 2013, 18:57
Milo wrote:

If any man will wish to have sexual intercourse with a woman, he will do at once."[5][6]

They've got me as a convert! :ok:

<I must share this news with Slasher. He WILL approve>


Mohammed el rgbrock1 Said el Mohammed

17th May 2013, 19:03
I can't get awg wire in the UK. What's the swg equivalent?

17th May 2013, 19:08
Can you get ghusl towels anywhere? Regarding "he will do at once" - what provision is there in the Quran for those who suffer from premature ej.......whoops?

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 19:08
Saudi Cleric Extols the Virtues of Allah's Virgins in Paradise - YouTube

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 19:15

premature ejaculation doesn't matter - you can just have another go, for as the man said "the...penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal"

Not sure I could deal with eternal priapism though......

17th May 2013, 19:17
No, but I could certainly deal with an eternal erection. (The Johnson which never sleeps.) Think of all the possibilities. Almost limitless. :ok:

17th May 2013, 19:17
you can just have another go - yes, but what if you have run fresh out of ghusi?

Have you met Mr Portnoy?

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 19:25
It seems that Muhammed had a few problems

Hadith/Quranic Analysis: Mohammad had lots of semen on his clothes (http://bit.ly/10DhpLG)

17th May 2013, 19:29
shoot first, ask questions later??

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 19:35
the question is....
poor aim?
premature release?
or self assistance?

given that he had something like thirteen wives and only got one pregnant, something fishy seems to have been afoot. Closet chutney ferret perhaps?

17th May 2013, 19:37
It is kind of mirrored in Christianity, especially at Christmas with "Oh come, all ye faithful", isn't it?

17th May 2013, 19:37

None of your questions. It was a case of a sloppy blow job.

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 19:40
I've never seen a bishop with anything other than wine stains on his cassock

Perhaps in his campaigns against the Christians, Muhammed misunderstood the meaning of the phrase "bashing the Bishop"

17th May 2013, 20:01
The erection is eternal
OK, use the existential emergency phone from the OP to call the doctor every four hours. :}

Milo Minderbinder
17th May 2013, 20:08
what - when it explodes it'll knock your knob off?

17th May 2013, 20:50
Think of all the possibilities. Almost limitless.

Save for sleeping face down.

17th May 2013, 20:54
a bishop with wine stains on his cassock

Should be on the Limerick Thread... oh....it is !