View Full Version : No sex here

Feeton Terrafirma
28th Apr 2002, 05:59
It's getting very bland around JB lately. none of that old fire and sparkle it used to have. I really don't give a sh!t about religion or politics, but the great sex posts are missing too :(

Whilst the great Capt I.F. Snailtrails will never be replaced I think there must be something we can do???

Our beloved moderator once posted a thread about The Captain, which I have taken the liberty of posting here (cos I can't write very well myself), and I ask, are there any more great authors out there in pproonland?

A Trip with The Captain
By flapsforty

Entering the crewroom, you find The Captain already present, enjoying his coffee. He doesn't offer to get you one, but on top of the customary handshake, he does give you a peck on the cheek. Considering the fact that you had to outbid 27 colleagues, make threatening phone calls to 2 others and bribe the operations guy with a bottle of Best Brown Jamaica just to get this trip, you're pleased with The Captain's enthusiasm.

On the ac you make a conscious effort not enter the cockpit too often; no sense in annoying The Captain by alerting the F/O. When the Captain makes his announcement, a pleasant thrill ripples through your body when you realize that the selfsame Voice of God will shortly be whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
Waiting for the keys at the front desk, you realize that the romantic candlelit dinner for 2 which you had anticipated, will not in fact come to pass, as the Captain loudly makes plans to meet the rest of the crew in the crew lounge for drinks. "30 minutes after the suitcases, OK everybody?"

Not really having had time for a proper dinner on board, your stomach is growling while you freshly showered sip your first white wine. The same goes for the other FA's and the booze hits hard. When you are about to start chewing the upholstery, the Captain responds to the entreaties of the rapidly fading cabin crew by conceding that Yes, perhaps he could in fact be persuaded to eat another 3 course meal.

The fact that some girls know a good Italian restaurant just across the street, does not make a big impression on the Captain. He is, as ever in the mood for a large slab of red meat, and the steakhouse is only a 20 minute walk away.
"What do you mean *tired feet* girls, I'm sure we could all do with a bit of exercise". So off you set on your new heels, trying to match the brisk pace set by the Captain, who obviously enjoys stretching his legs. As do the F/O, the S/O and the 2 F/E's, it's so nice after all those hours in their woolly seats. Having just walked your way across at least two continents, you're hard pushed to match the Captains enthusiasm for perambulation, but you're determined not to display any annoying signs of feminine weakness until such time as appropriate. So you grit your teeth and walk. :(

At the restaurant, the boys congregate at one end of the big table, the better to be able to hear each other's jokes. Your cabin mates are within minutes immerged in a heated discussion on the latest fashion and where to buy it cheap. This being easily as boring as the bearded jokes going at the male end, you try to liven things up with a little suggestive groping under the table. What with the overhanging tablecloth, you figure that this does not resort under The Captain's Ban on Public Displays of Affection. You can feel the Captain's thigh muscle quiver pleasantly at your touch, but the frosty stare he gives you shows how wrong you were about what the Ban encompasses.

When the waiter enquires how The Captain would like his steak, he comes out with the "Wipe of it's ass, cut off it's horns and walk it around the car park twice" comment, to happy acclaim of the other guys. The FA's cringe at the waiter's obvious contempt for this bit of witticism, but The Captain remains blissfully unaware of anything but his next beer.

You're truly grateful when finally reentering the hotel lobby. Almost there now. When the F/E proposes just a last snifter at the hotel bar, you see The Captain hesitate for just a second. True to form, he gives you an apologetic shrug, grabs you by the arm and steers you into the Lobby Bar. The rest of the cabin crew, by now exhausted, excuse themselves and retreat to their beds. Are you mistaken, or did you really get a few pitying looks there?

Having nursed a glass of ice water for an hour and a half while fighting sleep, you are getting a touch impatient. So you say your good nights to the guys, and get into the elevator, followed by the bewildered Captain. :confused: Why this sudden departure?? On your way up, the sweet talk consists of the perennial discussion on the relative merits of your room versus his. He claims Operations has to be able to reach him at all times, but you know that it's the phone call from his wife he's really worried about. Being your flexible FA self, you give in graciously, and tell him you'll be there in 10 minutes, please leave the door open. :D

In your own bathroom you quickly remove your mascara and apply a fresh washcloth to strategic areas. You notice in the mirror that the bits of Victoria Secret are indeed quite fetching, and despite the full flight, the 8 hour time difference and the long evening, you feel a slither of heat spread itself through your limbs. Entering his brightly lit room, you find The Captain sprawled on the kingsize bed, fully dressed except the shoes, clutching a can of beer and happily watching the Sports Channel. You dim the lights and while slowly disrobing, you notice The Captain's eyes flicking from you to the All Blacks and back. Pleased with getting any attention at all, you put some extra effort into the striptease. The Captain blithely proposes to switch off the tv's sound?

Having been married for 20 years, even the Captain has gained a rudimentary understanding of female facial expressions. He recognizes your imminent fury, and hurriedly switches off the telly, figuring he can always catch the reruns later.

Seeing how you're down to only a few flimsy bits of pale silk still clinging precariously to your tanned body, the Captain decides it's time to get down to basics. When down to his socks and underwear, he decides on another beer. Watching him potter across the room in his tight briefs and dark socks :eek: , you have a sudden flash of understanding: Those garishly coloured briefs were purchased by the Captain's clever wife as a last ditch defence against any over affectionate trolley tarts! In the face of this intelligent and effective strategy, you briefly consider conceding victory to such a worthy opponent.

But then you remember the hours and money spent at the beauty parlour, and the pain suffered when getting the bush trimmed to the exact specifications known to please The Captain. So you close your eyes and pray the briefs and socks will magically disappear.

When The Captain has joined you in bed, it soon becomes clear that while the mind is willing, the flesh is weak. The numerous beers and the 2 bottles of red at dinner have taken their toll on The Captain's Peerless Part. :( In fact it bears an uncanny resemblance to a discarded pprune. This not being your first Captain by any stretch of the imagination, you know that only a concerted effort on your part will save the night. So you put your mouth where your convictions are, and you find out that the Captain's not all bad after all. :) Probably mindful of the stern warning you gave him last time around, he has actually washed his Prize Possession, and under your dedicated administrations it starts to swell up quite pleasantly in your mouth.

Time for decisive action, as there is no telling how long this promising state of affairs will last! So you impale yourself on the Captain's Pride and Joy, making sure that he gets the full benefit of your frontal view. Knowing from experience that The Captain considers the female orgasm a strictly DIY project, concentration and coordination are now of paramount importance. By keeping a careful eye on The Captain's face, listening for telltale soundbytes and vigorously applying your right hand to yourself while putting your left on The Captain's brass ones, you orchestrate a double explosive coming.

Catching you breath after all this hard work, you wonder if perhaps the Captain will get up for a towel? Silly thought and you know it, so you haul yourself off the bed and return from the bathroom with two steaming cloths. Hot towel, Captain? :D


Feeton Terrafirma
28th Apr 2002, 06:02
Within minutes the Captain is contentedly snoring his head off, about 30 cm from your ear. You briefly consider returning to your own room for some well deserved peace and quiet, but the thought of traipsing through the hotel corridors and using the backstairs to avoid possible colleagues in the elevator, is too much. After 27 hours of hard labour, sleep mercifully descends on you.

With the sun ruthlessly slanting through the curtains, The Captain demonstrates his full recovery by tapping you on the shoulder, grunting " You awake?". Knowing that The Captain considers those two words ample foreplay, :( you quickly make sure conditions are moist enough for The Captain's smooth entrance. They are, and The Captain happily mounts you from the back, audibly enjoying himself. You remember the Captain's bon mot about "why women fake orgasms? They think we care!" So you decide not to make any effort in that direction, but under the Captain's enthusiastic and in fact quite rhythmic penetrations, your body decides differently and comes awake at a delicious speed. Not quick enough however. The Captain comes, and as he collapses on top of you, his eye is caught by the alarm clock on the night stand. While still inside you, he exclaims: "If we hurry, we'll still make breakfast. It's on the company's account here, you know". Waste not, want not, is another of The Captain's favourite motto's.

The timing of this remark is so crass, that you can either burst into tears or laugh it off. You settle on the latter course, knowing how The Captain abhors crying females. It has the added effect of expelling The Captain's now Spent Soldier rather suddenly. A hasty retreat is now in order, as you do not wish to enjoy the full auditory and olfactory benefits of The Captain attending to his SSS routine. There's also the small matter of your throbbing pussy, aching for some friendly attention after The Captain's wake-up call. Best handled in your own bathroom, under a nice strong shower jet! :D You light heartedly propose to The Captain that he'll knock on your door when ready, so you can go down to breakfast together. This suggestion does not find favour with The Captain, as he feels that a joint appearance at breakfast would undermine his Command Authority with the crew.

After 25 years on the job The Captain still doesn't realize that in every crew there's at least one FA with a foolproof radar for this sort of thing, and that by now the only people unaware of what's going on are his cockpit mates. You do not enlighten him, and leave while he's calling the F/O, fixing up a day of golf. No enquiry is made as to how you would like to spend the day.

On the next leg, your colleagues only just manage to restrain their curiosity until after the checklists. How often, How good? Mindful of The Captain's Command Authority, ;) you decline to answer outright and wiggle your eyebrows suggestively instead. This fools nobody, and a happy conversation on the pitfalls of bonking Captains ensues. One story is more hilarious then the next, and your spirits rapidly rise. The CSM decides on a bit of CRM, and shares the fact that she won't even consider entering a Captain's hotel room unless armed with her electrical toothbrush. General hilarity ensues, as does an animated dispute on the relative merits of different brands of said appliances.

While everybody dives into their flightbags to produce their tireless travel companions, there is an irate phone call from the flight deck. Nobody has been there for all of 22 minutes, do we realize they could all be dead by now? :o The youngest FA, armed with three cups of coffee and some croissants, is dispatched to attend to the emergency. Electric toothbrushes appear on the galley countertop and enthusiastic owners extol their various virtues. Vibration speed, pulsating power, the advantages of a well used brush head, and the amazing staying power of some batteries. (who wants to lug a lumpy old charger around the world?)

The unusual sounds emanating from behind the curtain attract a few nervous passengers, :confused: but in the face of 10 loudly buzzing toothbrushes standing to attention on the countertop, and gales of laughter from the FA's, they quickly return to their seats, looking relieved but somewhat puzzled.

The latest Braun model is unanimously declared a "don't leave home without it" item. Cheapest in Abu Dhabi tax-free, it seems. The junior FA returns from the front, declaring The Captain to be in an unusually sunny mood today. Positively expansive, in fact. This statement is greeted with more peals of laughter, and when the CSM decides it's time for a fresh round of drinks, the passengers respond to the sunny cabin crew by for once being universally pleasant and polite.

During the days that follow, The Captain rapidly defrosts and you find that the lithe body and quick humour which attracted you in the first place, haven't lost their power after all.

The Captain finds he can have more fun by drinking less, and performance improves. You decide to drink more, and switch from wine to G&T's. This makes you bold enough to bring The Captain's very own toothbrush to The Captain's very own bed. This initially mystifies The Captain, but seeing the results, he becomes an instant convert. Under your tutelage, he also finds out that there is in fact more to sex than straight up and down. Your enthusiasm is catching, and The Captain turns into an eager student. :D At the bookstore in Orchard Road you buy him a manual, so he'll have an explanation for his newfound knowledge at home, and hopefully will put in some practice as well. He mumbles something about his wife not being a bl**dy contortionist unlike some he could mention, but in view of the beaming smile on his face, you wisely choose not to hear this. You carefully try to find out what he and the Mrs. do for fun, but unlike beer and golf, it's not a subject The Captain readily discusses. You feel there might be room for improvement on that score as well. ;) ;)

The Captain certainly knows how to study a manual and makes short work of the tome, relying heavily on instant practice to hone his newly acquired skills. When he goes down on you for the first time and actually gives you a mind blowing orgasm, he's so pleased with himself that he buys the first 3 rounds for the whole crew at the bar. You're pretty pleased yourself, so you buy the next 3. The rest of the crew doesn't want to lag behind, and reciprocates at an ever increasing tempo. Nobody ever makes it to dinner.

The Captain is so chuffed with his new prowess at leaving you totally incoherent (and almost speechless for a change) that he tries out varying techniques from the manual for the rest of the night. After your fourth rippling coming you beg him to stop, and to please just **** you straight. The Captain happily obliges, and this time you're snoring before he even hits the pillow. You both wake up aching but mellow when the phone rings. It's the FO, wondering about a round of golf? The Captain's sudden lack of enthusiasm for his favourite sport leaves the FO bewildered. :)You don't let on and enjoy the lavish room service breakfast-for-2 which The Captain has ordered.

He gets so caught up in the spirit of things, that he actually proposes you move in with him when checking into the next Sheraton. Command Authority be dammed!

5 days later back at base, the customs officer is on his tea break, which saves everybody a lot of anxiety and lengthy explanations about how this camera was purchased in the corner shop years ago, Officer, and No, I really don't have the receipt with me.

Saying goodbye after a good trip can be tricky, but you're well drilled in the required indifferent demeanour. You have the cool attitude down so pat, that the Captain awards you with not one but two resounding smacks on the check, a big hug and his Hotmail address.

In a show of great solidarity, the crew pretends not to notice this unprecedented Public Display of Affection by The Captain. As the men are beginning to show signs of imminent separation anxiety and wanting to linger, you all speedily remind them of loving spouses and adoring offspring. This produces the anticipated stab of guilt, and you can soon wave them a fond goodbye. Enjoy your leave! Yes, I'll copy those pictures of the Taj Mahal for you! Drive carefully, don't fall asleep at the wheel!

Now the women can finally put up their feet in the crewroom, fortify themselves with a large pot of coffee and light the first cigarette of many. And jointly come to the conclusion that it might require unstinting effort and some unselfish sacrifice but

A Well Trained Captain Is A Joy for Everyone
The End

28th Apr 2002, 06:30
We don't want to get falps banned from here!

Warren Rabbit
28th Apr 2002, 06:40
People's circumstances can change dramatically over two years. I hope and trust that permission was received from flaps to repost this, and that no damage is done. Especially if she is off flying and doesn't see it for a few days.

28th Apr 2002, 08:19
... and if she is flying at the mo, lets all hope that "The Captain" is a good one... :D

28th Apr 2002, 09:23
You said it Rabbit; life on short-haul just ain't the same. :(

Feety, if you gonna get me hanged with me own rope here, at least get the bl**dy title right ya frigging Ozmate! ;)


Now what do I do? :D

28th Apr 2002, 09:31
Feeton mate, JB died the day when that bloodey hotel-lobby took control of PPRuNe. The results have been entirley predictable. I mean christ just have a look at some of the more rediculus topics being posted. Talk about scraping the bottom of the boredom-barrel!

Remember Demolition Man? Yeh well Dr Raymond Copto is alive and well in JB! :mad:

But lets try (Fabian-style) bringing back c0cks, pusseys, BJs, and shagging into the JB hall! :D

Diiing! - Slasher you have been fined one credit for violation of the Jet Blast Verbal Moralitys Act.

28th Apr 2002, 11:34

the hotel lobby rule depends on the airline you fly for. As I fly for a small regional we stay in hotels where you pay by the hour and take your own sheets if you don't want them ready warmed... Get my drift!!:)

Tartan Gannet
28th Apr 2002, 12:04
Many complain vociferously when controversial Religious or Political Topics are posted, yet it seems that others woud like JB to become a Soft Porno Forum.

I thought that Danny experimented with a "pay for" JBII accomodating just that sort of thing but it failed for lack of interest.

Jet Blast at present seems to have a good balance between serious and humourous topics, do we REALLY need sleazy stuff given the huge and varied amount of such sites all over the Internet?

:( :( :(

28th Apr 2002, 12:23

Looks like POACHER turned GAMEKEEPER to me?

28th Apr 2002, 13:38
Welcome Slash ... be well!

... and truly...! :D

Feeton Terrafirma
28th Apr 2002, 13:45
Well Mr Gannet, I suggest that you would have to be somewhat prudish to consider it porn, even soft porn. It is a story about what life might be like in an aircrew. It is a brilliantly written, very entertaining story, with not a small amount of humour in it.

Mr Gannet, would you have thought about the alternate usage for a tooth brush? :eek:

Tartan Gannet
28th Apr 2002, 13:54
Nostradamus, okey, in some matters I have a had a Damascene conversion. I no longer rail and fulminate at those with whom I disagree.

However, whilst I can indulge in a blue joke with the rest of the lads, I have to ask do we REALLY want graphic, blow by blow, accounts of sexual intercourse be it vaginal, anal, oral, or any other methodology here on JB?

There are millions of websites on the WWW to cater for every wish in that department, some with images and sounds that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, (except the smells). You think about it and sure as hell there is a website to gratify your desires however strange!

So Im NOT being an old Mary Whitehouse. Im NOT anti Porn, but feel that it has its place and really wonder if JB is the place for it, that's all?

I know I dont HAVE to open any threads with a salacious title or content but am also aware that some Ppruners have children and partners who log in and who would not wish to encounter such topics.

Im interested in what others feel on this. I may even set up a poll as this seems to be the fashion these days.

28th Apr 2002, 14:01



28th Apr 2002, 14:54
Posting this old story of mine one week after I've been railroaded into moderating this place is both funny and Machiavellian.
Let's see her wiggle out of that one!
If she leaves it she's a wimp and we can have a free for all porn-fest.
If she takes it away she'll prove Nostradamus is right.
Nice conundrum you landed me in Feets, be glad you live all the way in Oz! :D

My dear good TG, sometimes your earnestness breaks my heart. Funny how you should use exactly the same arguments Capt PPRuNe used last time he closed down JB for too much sleaze. Yup the web is full of porn and those who like that sort of thing can go there and wallow in it to their heart's content.

At the same time, JB is much like a crew room, if you look at it with idealistic eyes.
Or the bar where we congregate after a flight.
Aviation is what brings us together in the first place, the search for a bit of fun, relaxation and camaraderie with friends or acquaintances is what keeps us here.
So what do we talk about in that crew room?
Any subject at all, anything that will keep the conversation going, that wil engage the hearts and the minds of those present. Or just talk some cr*p to pass the time of day and improve the taste of the local beer.
Unlike "normal" job environments, we talk a lot about sex. Perhaps the life we lead makes us a bit less repressive.Perhaps the fact that we might never again fly with that same set of crewmembers makes it easier to discuss blowjobs over your fried eggs at 04.30 AM in Johannesburg? Or maybe the fact that we meet for only a short time makes it imperative to talk about subjects that are sure to interest everyone?
I don't know.

But we talk sex, we talk politics, we talk taxes. We talk the raising of the kids, what music makes our soul sing, the upcoming wedding of the FA at the back and the Captain's upcoming conversion. And more sex. And more politics.
The big difference between here and the crew room is that in here, behind the cloack of anonimity, the normal checks and balances don't work quite as well.
So sometimes it turns bad and boundaries are crossed which should not have been.

PPRuNe has not become the biggest, most successful aviation site on the world wide web because it is run by a man without a very shrewd knowledge of what makes people tick.
When he asked me to lend a hand down here in the cellar, he knew what he was getting.

This place is not a sunday school.
Nor is it The Republic of Unbridled Freedom.
And if all of us would understand where the frontier goes, we wouldn't need a witch with a pink pencil to draw the line in the sand.

Jetblast is about having a bit of a laugh about a large variety of subjects. Or plumbing the depths of your true convictions on some of the rarer threads.
Feets, you're a clever b*stard, but JB is not about me!
This place is larger than any single individual, and nobody here is indispensable.

So if we could stop focusing on yours truly and just get on with it, I'd be real pleased.


28th Apr 2002, 17:47
It took me a few goes to read this from beginning to end... ermmm my monitor kept going misty :D

28th Apr 2002, 17:58
It seems like a few members want to make life hard for f40 - maybe its some sort of twisted initiation routine. :mad:
I thought that the topic title posting (ie the story) was a bit low, especially as it is clear that this had been done without her permission. I realise that it had been previously posted some time ago however I still think it was wrong to do this. Warren Rabbit summed the situation up well.

How's about we all concentrate on writing content that makes a proper contribution to the site, as opposed to having little stabs at others? There's nothing better than some of the lively debate of various topics that we get here.

PPRuNe & JB within, are effectively a community, albeit one which communicates with one another using the internet. As far as I can see this should not compromise the normal standard and respect that we would (hopefully) hold for each other, whatever method by which we socialise.

I like the variety of the topics which appear - I don't particularly want it dominated by sleaze but on the other hand (;)) don't see that any subject should automatically be excluded without considering the overall context of it. We entrust the admin & moderators of PPRuNe to make the appropriate judgment on this by virtue of our use of this site and should let them do their job without bitching.

F40, well done on handling this the way you did. I know that the majority of us are with you. :)

I don't normally allow myself to be drawn into argumentative situations on PPRuNe however I could not ignore this one.

Fujiflyer :) :( :)

28th Apr 2002, 19:17
I'm still an advocate for the "Hotel Lobby" but then again, a Politics and ReligionII forum might be in order. ;)

28th Apr 2002, 20:12
Tartan Gnat:
You said (before you edited it):

"I have to ask do we REALLY want graphic, blow by blow, accounts of sexual intercourse be it vaginal, anal, oral, or any other methodology here on JB? "

I say:

Do Bears sh#t in the Woods?

:D :D :D

Tartan Gannet
28th Apr 2002, 22:22

I have just checked that post and I DIDNT edit it. Like Pontius Pilate "What I have written, I have written".

Perhaps the Kleenex would be better used in wiping your specs?

Feeton Terrafirma
29th Apr 2002, 01:36

Jetblast is about having a bit of a laugh about a large variety of subjects. Or plumbing the depths of your true convictions on some of the rarer threads.
Feets, you're a clever b*stard, but JB is not about me!
This place is larger than any single individual, and nobody here is indispensable.

So if we could stop focusing on yours truly and just get on with it, I'd be real pleased.

Well said, I couldn't have put it better myself, but I already pointed out that you can write much better than I.

If I have upset you by re-posting this wonderful story, then you have my most sincere appologies. I certainly didn't mean to upset you, but as I stated at the begining, perhaps introduce a little life into JB, which has been sadly missing of late.

As to me being a clever b*stard, nuh, dumb luck is all. If you want a clever b*stard, look to the late Capt. I F Snailtrails work, or that of Slasher when he's in form.

Let me say that I do support the requirement for "Hotel Lobby" rules, and for moderation, and although Flaps is the first "official" moderator to be appointed to JB, fact is the forum has always been moderated. If I didn't think this particular piece was within the Hotel Lobby rules, I wouldn't have posted it. I don't particularly want to be banned.

I also recognise that times change, and that with people like Mr Gannet now inhabiting JB, we need to be less outragous than in times past, which is why I didn't post that most famous Snaily piece, "Dairy of a Sex Rat" which was about Deirdre.

So, back to my original question........ Do we have any budding authors out there in PPRuNeland? Come on TG, perhaps you can entertain us without reference to sex?

29th Apr 2002, 07:11
Feet yeh I think Snailtrails was the one who put JB well and truley on the map. "Diary" was one of his more remembered pieces but another one discribing Redsnails bike journey to Queensland which he adapted from a D. Adams novel was pure art in itself!

Feeton Terrafirma
29th Apr 2002, 12:53
Slasher mate,
strange that you should mention that one. I believe you are refering to "The Redsnail Guide To The Galaxy" which I just happen to have on file........ ;)

Send Clowns
29th Apr 2002, 17:32
Well Mr Draper has started a few threads that prove he and others present are witty and erudite enough to charm and amuse (or horrify :eek: ) without the subject being sex! Those more imaginative and articulate than I am have plenty to talk about on a huge variety of topics.

I don't think a ban on talking about sex is appropriate, but anything significantly more graphic than the piece leading this thread would simply sit out of place. As others have said, leave that for the appropriate sites.

29th Apr 2002, 18:36
Yep thats the one Feet! Dont sit there, bung it on here so the JB-juniors club can glimpse just how good the talent really was back in the old days!

PS Ive got "Diary" on file so I can post it here myself as long as Falps wont get into any sh!t.