View Full Version : Have you heard these?

23rd Apr 2002, 10:36
The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells: "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who made all the beds and washed all the clothes.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning
air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace
me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this once


Alligator shoes

Dave Beckham was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
Posh wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, Dave shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes
at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!' Determined,
Dave and Posh turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he
spots the Becks standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and
with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The
shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then Becks flips
the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
'B******s, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

Love and Women

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful
woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear,
speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
And yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.