BEagle
22nd Apr 2002, 21:02
One of the clever things about Sky Digital is that it’s possible to watch the ITV local news from every region. So the other day I decided to see what’s going on down in the Zyderdelic Wastelands of HTV-land. I was somewhat astonished at one of their news items, which announced that “B2 stealth bombers will be arriving at RAF ******** in July. They will be used in attacks on Iraq”.
WHAT?? Is there something we haven’t been told? Has HTV declared war on Iraq? Or has the simpleton been on the phone again.....
“Hey, Tiny - it’s your buddy George. Howya’ doin?”
“Fine. The Chancellor has produced an excellent budget which will give us the best National Health....”
“Say, Tiny, ah heard all ‘bout your National Socialist Medicification program. What else ya been doin, buddy-boy?”
“Well, we’ve been very sad about the passing away of the Queen Mother....”
“Sure was a pity about Queen Margaret..”
“No. Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother actually”
“Really? Old cowboy Ron don’ used to say to ma Pappy how much he admired Margaret when you had that little trouble with the Algerians invading the Folklore Isles. Said how she was obviously in charge.....”
“No. That was the Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. But the Queen is the sovereign head of state. Elizabeth. And the late Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was Queen Elizabeth’s mother. The Queen’s sister, Margaret, not the other Margaret who was Prime Minister, also passed away recently; she was also the Queen Mother’s daughter.....George, GEORGE??”
“Huh, what? Sorry, Tiny. I get kinda confused trying to remember who’s in charge most of the time. So Margaret died as well?”
“Yes. Sadly. Anyway, George, sorry that Colin Powell had such a difficult time with Israel. We admired his efforts”
“Who?”
“Colin Powell. The distinguished American of colour who went to Israel”
“Black guy with the Israelites? Hell, no. That was Desmond Dekker”
“Quite. Anyway, George, how can we help?”
“Well - it’s TWAT”
“Prescott again? Roaming the world like some drunken ex-merchant seaman. Who’s he hit this time?”
“No - but hey, I like your limey Billy Hall humourisation. The War Against Terrorism. We need to kick some more ass if I’m gonna get re-electionised. An’ it’s gonna be Iraq”
“Why Iraq”
“Hell - Iraq, Iran. Someone. What is it with this I-word thing. Israel, Iraq, Iran, Illinois, Idaho - they all cause trouble. An’ you guys got the Northern Iceland problem”
“But, OK, George, what can we do”
“Hell - jus’ lemme keep a few B2s in your little country. Coupla dozen or so should do. Then we can go nuke folks jus’ when we want. Tellya what - we’ll throw in a couple of triple-7s for you an’ Cheerio an’ the kids to go partying in if you like.......”
“OK. Sound idea. A strong alliance forged between allies fighting towards the common cause of freeing the world of Tories..err, I mean, terrorists”
“Glad you see it that way, Tiny. Gotta go now, be seein’ ya”
“Goodbye, George. Or should that be.......goodbye World?”
WHAT?? Is there something we haven’t been told? Has HTV declared war on Iraq? Or has the simpleton been on the phone again.....
“Hey, Tiny - it’s your buddy George. Howya’ doin?”
“Fine. The Chancellor has produced an excellent budget which will give us the best National Health....”
“Say, Tiny, ah heard all ‘bout your National Socialist Medicification program. What else ya been doin, buddy-boy?”
“Well, we’ve been very sad about the passing away of the Queen Mother....”
“Sure was a pity about Queen Margaret..”
“No. Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother actually”
“Really? Old cowboy Ron don’ used to say to ma Pappy how much he admired Margaret when you had that little trouble with the Algerians invading the Folklore Isles. Said how she was obviously in charge.....”
“No. That was the Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. But the Queen is the sovereign head of state. Elizabeth. And the late Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was Queen Elizabeth’s mother. The Queen’s sister, Margaret, not the other Margaret who was Prime Minister, also passed away recently; she was also the Queen Mother’s daughter.....George, GEORGE??”
“Huh, what? Sorry, Tiny. I get kinda confused trying to remember who’s in charge most of the time. So Margaret died as well?”
“Yes. Sadly. Anyway, George, sorry that Colin Powell had such a difficult time with Israel. We admired his efforts”
“Who?”
“Colin Powell. The distinguished American of colour who went to Israel”
“Black guy with the Israelites? Hell, no. That was Desmond Dekker”
“Quite. Anyway, George, how can we help?”
“Well - it’s TWAT”
“Prescott again? Roaming the world like some drunken ex-merchant seaman. Who’s he hit this time?”
“No - but hey, I like your limey Billy Hall humourisation. The War Against Terrorism. We need to kick some more ass if I’m gonna get re-electionised. An’ it’s gonna be Iraq”
“Why Iraq”
“Hell - Iraq, Iran. Someone. What is it with this I-word thing. Israel, Iraq, Iran, Illinois, Idaho - they all cause trouble. An’ you guys got the Northern Iceland problem”
“But, OK, George, what can we do”
“Hell - jus’ lemme keep a few B2s in your little country. Coupla dozen or so should do. Then we can go nuke folks jus’ when we want. Tellya what - we’ll throw in a couple of triple-7s for you an’ Cheerio an’ the kids to go partying in if you like.......”
“OK. Sound idea. A strong alliance forged between allies fighting towards the common cause of freeing the world of Tories..err, I mean, terrorists”
“Glad you see it that way, Tiny. Gotta go now, be seein’ ya”
“Goodbye, George. Or should that be.......goodbye World?”