View Full Version : Need a good laugh.

22nd Apr 2002, 21:58
Just been blowing off some steam, so I need a good laugh.


23rd Apr 2002, 00:03
Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are fast asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
”Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”
”What does that tell you?” asks the Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.

”Astronomically speaking it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it appears we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you Kemo Sabi?”

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: Tonto, you Dumb-Ass, someone has stolen our tent!”

23rd Apr 2002, 00:11
Thanks Scran.

I feel better already.

brit bus driver
23rd Apr 2002, 03:25
In a similar vein........

Tonto is scouting the trail ahead of the Lone Ranger. He stops, dismounts and places his ear to the ground. After several minutes of careful deliberation, he turns to the Lone Ranger and says..."Kimosabe (sp?), buffalo come."
"How can you tell, Tonto?" says the masked one, at which Tonto replies, "Ear warm and sticky...."

Ah, the old ones just keep getting older........

23rd Apr 2002, 08:17
Chap boards a flight from London to New York and, as always, wonders what kind of monster he will sit next to him. He sits there watching other passengers coming down the aisle, hoping against hope that the seat next to him will remain empty. Eventually he sees this beautiful girl approaching, looking up at the seat numbers. She stops at his row, arranges her bag on the overhead locker and, glory be, she sits next to him. Wow! he thinks, there really is a God! Six hours with this beauty all to myself.

Eventually he breaks the ice by asking if she is on holiday or a business trip. “Business” she says. “I’m attending a Nymphomaniacs Conference in Manhattan”. Almost choking in his excitement, he asks what her business is.
She tells him that she is giving a lecture on the sexuality of modern man. “Tell me more”, he says, rapidly thinking about how he was going to take advantage of this situation.

“Well,” she said, “ most Americans think the black African male is the most satisfying lover. This is not actually true as, in reality, the native American is by far a more satisfying lover. Again, most people think that the Italians are the most exciting lovers. But, in fact, Jewish men are far more exciting.”

“Popular jokes in America assume that your stereotype, red neck Texan is very poorly equipped for sex but, in fact, they tend to be very well endowed.”

“But” she said, “I shouldn’t be talking to you like this. I don’t even know your name.”

He stuck out his hand. “Hi! Tonto Goldstien at your service. But my friends call me Bubba!”

23rd Apr 2002, 08:29
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know......

...... you left your Injun running!!!"

Standard Noise
23rd Apr 2002, 12:20
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on an old Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding cattle and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.
"My father would like know what these guys in the big suits are doing?"
A member of the crew explained that they were practising for a trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a great PR opportunity for the spin doctors to exploit, the NASA guys found a tape recorder. After the old man had finished, they asked the son to translate, but he refused. So the NASA team brought the tape to the camp on the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA team called in an official government translator.
After listening to the message, he reported that it said, "Watch out for these bastards, they have come to steal your land!"

23rd Apr 2002, 13:56
Tonto wants a mortgage so he goes to see the Loan Arranger... :rolleyes:

23rd Apr 2002, 14:34
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by aggressive Indians.

LR -- "Looks like we've had it Tonto."
Tonto -- "We....??"

Trust you're okay now Techman!

24th Apr 2002, 02:58
Tonto and the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are captured by a tribe of indians. They are taken to the camp and tied to upright logs, and kindling is spread around them.

The Chief walks up to Tonto and says “Tonto – we recognise you as our indian bother kin. Renounce this man and we will let you go free!”

The Lone Ranger shouts in reply “Tonto is my loyal and faithful servant. He would never renounce me. We don’t care what you do to us, how you torture us, we will die together!!”

The Chief ignores the Lone Ranger, and asks Tonto again: “Tonto, we have no complaint against you a fellow indian. Renounce this white man and we will set you free”.

Again, the Lone Ranger interupts: “That will not happen. Tonto is my faithful servant. He will not leave or forsake me. It does not matter what you offer him, he will share my fate. We will remain together, forever. We don’t care. Go ahead and burn us alive. We will remain together forever!!”

Tonto looks across at the Lone Ranger and says:

“What’s this WE White man?”

24th Apr 2002, 03:07
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger? In Honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. " Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request? " The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request? "The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ALONE.
"The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Silver, listen carefully, for the last time, I need a posse! P - O - S - S - E ! ! !