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Techchick
22nd Apr 2002, 19:02
Today was a special day. It was three years ago that my son, Tom, was born. It was just after 6am, and we had raced to the hospital thinking our baby was arriving 6 weeks early.

Within moments of our arrival, the midwife had me hooked up to the baby heart monitor. She sighed, and twiddled with the knobs, smiling and saying that this baby was a shy one, as she couldn’t pick up the heartbeat. Eventually, a senior midwife came in, and just then, we heard the familiar thump, thump, thump.

We all sighed with relief, except the senior midwife, who softly said, “That’s mum’s heartbeat”. A consultant arrived to do a scan. I watched the screen as my baby’s head came into view, then turned to look at the midwife who was holding my hand. Slowly, the colour drained out of her face. The consultant looked near to tears and shook his head, “I’m so sorry, my dear,” was all he could say.
My lovely sweet baby had died.

Later that day, I held him close to me, counting his tiny fingers and toes, just as I’d done with my other children. He was so tiny, just over 4lb, with a little dark blonde hair. He looked so peaceful and sweet. The following week was one that seemed unreal. Every day, I visited him, the cold of his small body seeping through his clothes and the blanket they had wrapped him in. I talked to him and kissed and cuddled him, just as I would have done if he’d been alive. Kindly hospital staff guided us in the arrangement of his funeral, and just a week after his birth, on a cool but gloriously sunny day, we said goodbye to him.

The next day, they brought his ashes to our house, and that night I sat in the dark and sobbed, holding the tiny white box close to me. I couldn’t part with him, and so the ashes were kept in the wardrobe close to my bed. My plan for a long time was to keep them until my time came, then have his ashes mixed with mine and scattered.

However, over the Easter weekend this year, I was in the garden, weeding the area around the tree which we planted in his memory. It was a lovely day, and I was just thinking about him when suddenly it was as if he was saying, “Mummy, its time to let me go,” I decided then and there just what I had to do.

So, today, what should have been his third birthday, I went down to the pinewoods by the sea, where there is a squirrel reserve. I scattered his ashes in there, in a place where shafts of sunlight come through the trees, warming the soft sandy ground. The day had dawned cloudy, but as I arrived at the pinewoods the sun came out and the sky was blue. It was quiet there, but for the wind in the trees, and squirrels came and watched with bright curious little eyes, as the ashes scattered and blew across the ground. They seemed to understand, and as I reached down, one came and touched my fingers with his nose.

Afterwards, I released 2 blue helium filled balloons, which floated off over the tops of the trees. It signified, I suppose, my finally letting him go. I watched as they became smaller and gradually disappeared.

Today brought a mixture of emotions. Partly grief at my loss of Tom, but mostly I remembered his sweetness and beauty, the look of peace on his little face. He hasn’t gone….he’s in my heart.
Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, and it is like someone has reached inside you and ripped out your soul. You cannot comprehend why such a thing can happen when medical technology is as advanced as it is. You ask, “Why him? Why my baby?” but slowly you learn to live again. Eventually you do remember the beautiful things, and that comforts you in the darkest of times.

Celine Dion sang: (such relevant words!)

Fly, fly, little wing,
Fly only where the angels sing.
Fly away the time is right,
Go now, find the light

Go now, find the light

falps
22nd Apr 2002, 19:22
Techchick, reading that puts the insignificant BS life often throws at us in stark perspective.
Brave decision made on your perfect day.

Many many hugs!

AerBabe
22nd Apr 2002, 19:30
There isn't much I can say hon... just know all your friends are here for you.

Le Pen
22nd Apr 2002, 19:58
Techchick,

Reading this has brought a tear to my eye, as I sit here in my office far away from home.

I can't imagine what it has been like for you. Its bad enough when they are healthy. Each time I hear one of my children is ill or has had an accident needing stitches I vow to give up this stupid job and move back home. But I never do.

You are one brave woman.

Take care.

Love and hugs from me and Mrs. LP

LP

KayGridley
22nd Apr 2002, 21:52
*hug*

You are one brave lady.

HugMonster
22nd Apr 2002, 21:56
Oh wow.

I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, TC.

I'm glad you've felt able to let him go. I don't know what your beliefs are, but in mine Tom is better-off than all of us - he is at peace.

Send Clowns
22nd Apr 2002, 22:04
All the best, brave soul. We are with you :)

ATCbabe
22nd Apr 2002, 22:40
Melly,

You know im thinking of you hon. Love and big hugs


Babe xxxxxxxxxxx

curmudgeon
22nd Apr 2002, 22:53
TC

I can't begin to say what I'd like to say, and I can't begin to feel what you've been through.

"Think not what might have been,
But remember the time that you had."

My love to you and yours

Cur

old boy
22nd Apr 2002, 23:47
Mel,

as you know my thoughts with you all day

Wedge
22nd Apr 2002, 23:54
Very moving Techchick, almost brought a tear to my eye........

Not least because today is my mother's birthday and I share your late son's first name too........

I'm glad you were able to let him go. He probably was telling you to do it, I really believe that.

Well done today, and thanks for sharing it with us. XXX

BlueDiamond
23rd Apr 2002, 01:50
BIG HUGS

Thinking of you, Mel.

Techman
23rd Apr 2002, 02:26
Dammit, something got caught in my eye.

Perhaps we share more than just a partial name.

Hogg
23rd Apr 2002, 03:12
Im Speechless.

Tom.. enjoy the eternal playground.

Techchick.. Ure so brave.



In my thoughts
Hogg.

criticalmass
23rd Apr 2002, 04:58
There are good posts, there are great posts, and there are some which shine forth as beacons in cyberspace. Your post, Mel, is one of the latter.

In sharing this with us you have given little Tom to us all and made us take him into our hearts as well. That is one of the greatest gifts any human being could give.

My most humble thanks.

The Nr Fairy
23rd Apr 2002, 05:22
I was going to say something, but it seems everyone else has beaten me to it - I feel all of those things, and everyone else has said them more eloquently than I feel I could.

After I've wiped the tear from my eye, I'm going to give my little boy, fast asleep next door, a kiss on his forehead, and thank my lucky stars.

Slasher
23rd Apr 2002, 06:12
Tech Im so sorry to read about your tragic loss 3 years ago. Ive never had kids myself but Id imagine losing one so soon after birth would be bloodey terrible. Losin my big brother years ago was bad enough for me. :(

Feeton Terrafirma
23rd Apr 2002, 08:53
Techchick, I started to post a reply to your post........ and found I couldn't see to type. TC, I knew what you were planning, and I knew the circumstances to, but to read your story was heart wrenching. As Criticalmass said, you have given Tom to us all to keep.

Thankyou for sharing him with us.

Feeton.

angels
23rd Apr 2002, 10:16
Words simply fail me.
All my love to you and your family. Tom's spirit lives on.

DX Wombat
23rd Apr 2002, 10:29
I have seen the devastation the loss of a much wanted baby brings from the other side of the fence and sad as I am each time we lose another of "our" babies, I know it comes nowhere near what the baby's parents are feeling. All of you, you, Tom and the rest of your family can now feel at peace. Thank you for the post.

FlyingForFun
23rd Apr 2002, 10:40
Mel,

I'm another one sitting at work with a tear in my eye as I read your post. They say that time heals everything, but I'm not convinced - but with time we can certainly come to terms with our losses, even though the wound isn't fully healed, and you've done that.

I can't even begin to imagine what you must have gone through 3 years ago. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not you.

Hugs,

FFF
------------

You want it when?
23rd Apr 2002, 11:01
TechChick - there must be a fault in the air handling where I work - 'cos my eyes are blurred.

Our short person Bradley was 3 in January, he's an only child and I would be destroyed if anything happened to him.

I wish you peace, light and offer a cyber hug.

BRL
23rd Apr 2002, 11:12
Hi Mel. Not sure what to write here. Much has been said by the others. Its very brave what you done. I sort of know how your feeling. 20 months ago, my daughter was taken away up to intensive care and put on a machine as soon as she was born. I only got a brief glimpse of her as they took her away. Luckily, she was back with us a few hours later, panic over, job done by the staff. The feelings i had then were nothing i have experienced before in my life. I can't imagine how you got through it all. Your an absolute hero for coping the way you have done and doing what you did yesterday. Bless you and your family. The next time i sing 'Walk On' at the match, i will sing it for little Tom. :)

The Boy Lard
23rd Apr 2002, 11:30
TC,

I came onto JetBlast this morning for have a laugh and to put a smile back onto my miserable face....What I have just read has humbled me in a way I've never experienced...I dont know you but as I read your post I was there with you.

Thankyou for sharing your perfect day.

TBL

Techchick
24th Apr 2002, 07:05
My love and thanks to you all for your kind words.
also thanks to those who emailed me on this subject
xxxxxxxxxxx