View Full Version : Re Designing the Human Body

11th Feb 2013, 18:53
I've just been reading John Scalzi's pages on the design of CDF Soldiers and Special Forces Soldiers in "Old Man's War" and "Ghost Brigades" and was thinking of some modifications I'd like to see made to my own body.

Specifically the urinary duct lead out to the tip of my left little finger so I could have a discrete pee when out in public, and noise and odour filters fitted to whatever orifice exhaust gases emerge from to avoid public embarrassment.

Leaving aside the obvious modifications which we all dreamed off when we were young (wings, x-ray vision, amazing memory, super strength etc) and repairs (eyes, teeth and so on) what mods would you like implementing on your own body ?

11th Feb 2013, 19:01
....What I'd like to see is female genitalia transferred to her top right hand shoulder. That way OFSO
can walk up and tap a lady with his left little finger and ask "can you show me the way home honey?"

(I did read similar somewhere yonks ago. Spike Milligan?)

Mach Turtle
11th Feb 2013, 19:21
Knees. Stupid design.

Prostate. Also dumb.

11th Feb 2013, 19:23
Modifications are on the way anyway, so pick your choice, gentlemen! :E


Humanity may split into an elite and an underclass, says Dr Curry
BBC NEWS | UK | Human species 'may split in two' (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/6057734.stm)

Takan Inchovit
11th Feb 2013, 19:24
A wipe free A/hole, you know, like plastic honey dispensers that suck back in after a good squeeze.

11th Feb 2013, 19:30
Knees. Stupid design.

Us skiers call them "gods mistake". :*

Anyway, the human body still hasn't fully adapted to this walking upright nonsense. A few more million years of evolution should sort it out.

11th Feb 2013, 19:37
Always amazes me about the clever things the body does. Kidney's are my favorite. They work as a big filter-instead of our great designer designing the filter to keep the things we need and don't need, (it'd have to know how to recognise everything we need, and everything we don't), they chuck everything out, and reabsorb everything it needs.

Don't get me started about negative feedback loops, gotta be the best design since smoke alarms.

Personally I'd like wheels, whilst my wife reckons I need an eight inch pianist. Perhaps I need better ears too.

11th Feb 2013, 19:55
....so pick your choice, gentlemen!

Probes hon - according to that pic I don't think I'd want
to be one of the Eloi if it means I lose my winky! :uhoh:

11th Feb 2013, 21:03
Shin bones should be protected by at least a layer of tough skin like that on the soles of our feet. Crocodile skin (from their back) would be even better.

tony draper
11th Feb 2013, 21:11
The spine to be replaced by two simple long bones with a joint in the middle,teeth to be replaced by two single wide teeth one in the top one at the bottom,replaced by new ones every few years.
The need for sleep to be done away with,we waste half our lives zzzing.

11th Feb 2013, 21:24
The Liver is even more amazing ... :p

The heart is the star though....

Sit down, and work out how much it can pump in an average lifetime (4900mls a minute - you do the maths:).)

And, unlike the water pump on my old 'Astra, you can't stop it for 4 day's whilst it's replaced. (And it doesn't cost 350 quid.)

Don't get me started about the nervous system....

12th Feb 2013, 01:30
Eyes with built in night vision, telephoto zoom and x ray options as a minimum ;)

12th Feb 2013, 02:49
I would like hair that stayed on my head and that didn't bloody grow everywhere else. Why do I need hair on my toes, fingers, coming out my ears and a bunch of other places where I really don't need or want it. I guess I've reached that age where these things start to happen. Also be great to have what is left on my noggin stay brown instead of turning grey.

Sorry if that's too much information for some.

I would also like arms long enough and bendy enough to scratch my back when I get an itch.

blue up
12th Feb 2013, 07:29
Ears you can switch off. That would be handy for nights in the hotel downroute.

Actually, making Mr Winky behave himself. I once had a dog that would sit or stand whenever you told him to. Why can't Mr Winky?

I'd also like my neck to turn a further 30 degrees so I can see who is passing me that cup of tea through the flightdeck door.

Fireproof thumb for pushing the fuel and hydraulic pump switches on the 757 before start.

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2013, 09:31
Armoured spine with armoured cable for the spinal chord. Better attachment of spine to pelvis.

12th Feb 2013, 10:00
Why not have a body built on a modular system? I've got Tinnitus in my right ear so, off to the dock, old right ear system out, replacement ear system (probably recovered from a scrapped motorcycle rider) in.
Todger's hydraulics are shot, do the same. Might even get a better model.
Blimey, carry on like this and it could be Trigger's broom all over again!

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2013, 10:32
Shark digestive systems are pretty efficient, using what is called a spiral valve. Might be a good option for humans to cut out all those yards of gut. For those of us (ie all males) who find our farts the epitome of sophisticated and amusing entertainment, perhaps a small gland and fish like swim bladder in which to cultivate said vapours.

12th Feb 2013, 10:45
The human body is already redesigning itself through natural selection.
Homo Slackasserectus

12th Feb 2013, 10:49
I've always thought most people are built upside down anyway, because their noses run and their feet smell.

12th Feb 2013, 10:59
You can lift a considerable weight with your hand when you contract your bicep as in doing a curl. Similarly you can push your hand down with some force by, I think, contracting the muscles at the back of your upper arm.

In both cases, the leverage (the distance between where the muscle's tendon attaches to the bone and the fulcrum of the elbow joint) seems poorly arranged for power, although well arranged for extent of movement of the hand relative to the shortening of the muscle. Most of the muscles acting on the bones seem to be 'rove to disadvantage' for ultimate strength in this way.

The point is, that for pure power, we should be able to unclip the tendon from the little extension byond the elbow, and clip it to, say, the wrist. We'd lose the big relative movement, but for power, we'd be able to lift huge weights short distances when we contract our biceps etc.

Or perhaps my knowledge of mechanics is up sh*t creek.

SMT Member
12th Feb 2013, 11:01
Separating intake of oxygen from that of liquids and solids would be rather clever, though I suspect such an alteration might include breathing out the back of ones neck. Would mean that ties and collars had to go, I suppose, so perhaps not such a bad idea after all.

More carbon reinforcements would be nice too. Clumsy would have less permanent ramifications.

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2013, 12:21

Didn't those things once live in trees, Mr Ricardian?

I fear we're devolving as a species.:(

12th Feb 2013, 12:26
you can't stop it for 4 day's whilst it's replaced. (And it doesn't cost 350 quid.)The repairs to mine cost me $18,000 but it was only stopped for 30 minutes. ;)

12th Feb 2013, 12:30
gingernut wrote:

The Liver is even more amazing ...

It certainly is. Imagine an organ which can keep up with my beer consumption. Simply amazing!!!!!

12th Feb 2013, 12:34
Ears you can switch off. That would be handy for nights in the hotel downroute.

I've already mastered that one. My ears switch off when my eyes sense the approach of the Mother-In-Law. I become totally deaf. All I see are her lips, gums and teeth jabbering away. (Mindlessly of course). :ok::ok::ok:

12th Feb 2013, 12:41
Contributors to JB are the wrong profession to be asking this question. Civil engineers designed the present human body particularly the female one. Why civil engineers? Well what other profession would place a play area next to a sewage outlet?

12th Feb 2013, 12:49
And in the case of some odd people making the sewage outlet the play area.

tony draper
12th Feb 2013, 13:17
If nature had connected the throat directly to the bum hole there would not be many fat folks around.

12th Feb 2013, 13:34
Returning to the subject of flatulance, a refined lady of my acquaintance tells me that unlike us men, the Fair Sex are able to block the release of such noxious winds, whereupon the gases return inside the female body and are converted to less harmful substances.

This obviously is the explanation for the look on the Princess Royal's face while she watched the Six Nations match on February 2nd.

12th Feb 2013, 16:21
They sometimes emerge recycled as thoughts.... rebadged, anyway,

(Some of my best friends are women, etc....) :rolleyes:

12th Feb 2013, 18:23
Seriously I'd like to see my dong lobotomised and not have its
own brain anymore. Its got the mental processes of a rabbit.

12th Feb 2013, 18:26
What would you then do without it, Slasher?

edited to add: misread that Slasher. I thought you wrote 'castrated' instead of 'lobotomized'. Thus the above question.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. :}:}:}

12th Feb 2013, 18:28
My ears switch off when my eyes sense the approach of the Mother-In-Law. I become totally deaf. All I see are her lips, gums and teeth jabbering away.
keep on practicing. My father goes deaf with things he does not like, and spouse never misses anything NOT meant for him.

12th Feb 2013, 19:06
I've managed to develop selective hearing over 41 years of married life.

Because we live in a small bungalow, Mrs GG thinks she can start a conversation just by talking to me wherever I am in the building. The fact that she is in one room, behind and facing away from the (partly closed) door, while I am the other side of that door, down a corridor, the other side of another partly closed door, and (usually) in the kitchen with a cooker, extractor hood, mixer and/or other items of kitchen equipment running at full chat between me and the door doesn't seem to influence her belief that I can hear everything she says.

It seems a perfect example of natural selection to me.

She just thinks I'm deaf.:)


12th Feb 2013, 20:57
A shared 6th Sense where you can really show your daughter that the :mad: idiot she thinks is wonderful, will be really a drunken bum after he has smacked her about again because he is a crack moron.

Milo Minderbinder
12th Feb 2013, 21:09
If memory serves correctly, Spike Milligans suggestion was that the female sexual organ should be on the forehead, and the male on the index finger. Mainly for ease of access during conversation

13th Feb 2013, 03:24
Thanks Milo.

Solid Rust Twotter
13th Feb 2013, 05:31
Have you tried bludgeoning it into submission with a large rock, Mr Slasher?

13th Feb 2013, 07:27
I tried banging its head against a brick wall a few times but to no avail.

Thwacking it on a hard wooden table didn't work either.

unstable load
13th Feb 2013, 07:32
Didn't realise you were into S&M, Slasher.....:}

13th Feb 2013, 07:50
You mean Shagging & Masturbation?


tony draper
13th Feb 2013, 07:56
A lid on top of the head that lifts up would be useful so small item could be kept in the cavity beneath,change for the bus multi purpose screw driver and ladies could keep make up and such.

13th Feb 2013, 08:10
>>>> A lid on top of the head that lifts up would be useful so small item could be kept in the cavity beneath

You have a cavity inside your skull? That explains quite a lot ;0)