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gyrohead
19th Apr 2002, 15:46
:D 25 rules guys wished women knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

Techchick
19th Apr 2002, 18:41
You didnt write 'Men are from Mars, women are from venus', did you?

some very familiar excuses there.:D :rolleyes:

Tartan Gannet
20th Apr 2002, 09:01
With the exception of the bit about getting rid of the cat, I agree.

I would add in its place. "Lodge is a man thing. Just enjoy the Ladies Nights when they come along"

I would also add, "Periods are something you have had since your teens, learn to live with it by now" :D :D :D

redsnail
20th Apr 2002, 13:16
"That is not 6 inches" - length and how to judge accurately.

Come on fellas, we know how to use a ruler. ;)

somewhatconcerned
20th Apr 2002, 19:46
I presume you mean a 'RULE', Red'.

Anyway thats enough education from me, did I tell you I have 12 inches, but don't like to use it as a rule.

:p

Tartan Gannet
20th Apr 2002, 23:32
Did she mean a LURE and not a rule?

After all you use a LURE to catch a fish, especially the dead fish that nobody can find!:D

somewhatconcerned
25th Apr 2002, 02:46
I think we should revolt, Gentlemen everywhere, raise your toilet seats. I officially declare all men are revolting.

Boss Raptor
25th Apr 2002, 09:14
You've also got;


'Dont speak unless you are spoken to, be seen and not heard'

'Dont cost me a lot (any) of money'

'Dont complain when I get angry as if you weren't there you wouldn't see it'

'Dont talk or suggest babies, families, sharing etc.' :mad:

HugMonster
25th Apr 2002, 09:44
somewhatconcerned's post reminds me of Jonathan Miller's monologue from "Beyond The Fringe"..."There's this marvellous unpunctuated note, "Gentlemen Lift The Seat". What does it mean? Is it a description, a sociological definition of a Gentleman which I can either take or leave? Or perhaps it's a loyal toast..."

somewhatconcerned
25th Apr 2002, 13:38
The Revolution Begins
As I type word is spreading far and wide and the acts of revolution begin.
Men everywhere are lifting toilet seats but that is just the beginning.

3 men in Exeter are refusing to continue the decorating and 17 in Luton have introduced a work to rule meaning that wall coverings can only be applied on bank holidays when it rains.

In 30 households where women have chosen to under take decorating themselves their men have refused to wash out the paint brushes and haven’t explained that just leaving them to soak in a jar will not work. In addition they have also said they will not redo the decorating when their spouses go out for the day because they made such an awful hash of it.

11 men in London and its suburbs are refusing to fix leaking taps and a further 5 have gone as far as to install a leak.

53 men across the south have declared they will no longer put oil, water and petrol in their partners cars, knowing that women do not realise they are essential items. In addition they have hidden their own car keys (just incase you forgot where, John S of Brighton, they are under the tub of full fat dairy spread in the fridge).

Slowly but surely the awful greenery found in refrigerators is being replaced with steak and beer and cupboards across the country are being stocked with Doritos in anticipation of retaliation.

Gentlemen, we must spread the word…

Brothers unite, for once again we will rule the world.

HugMonster
25th Apr 2002, 13:43
I hear a rumour that some women have managed to work out that you have to put oil in the car... :eek:

PPRuNe Radar
25th Apr 2002, 13:51
Now I know where I've been going wrong !!! Thanks to the lady who told me the error of my ways and passed me this sure fire way to success with the fairer sex.

How to Please a Woman
or...

17 RULES TO FOLLOW


1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she will immediately change all THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

PPRuNe Radar
25th Apr 2002, 14:26
And now we guys know THE RULES, here's some communications tips .....

What She Really Means

What she says and What it really means

I Love You = I Can Quit My Job Now

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains . . .= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD

Those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom . . .= and did you bring your checkbook?

~~~

In answer to the question: "What's wrong?"

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

~~~

What A Women Says... and What a Man Actually Hears...

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
Don't do laundry right now"

What a man actually hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I
blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor
blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes
blah, blah, blah, blah, right now

PPRuNe Radar
25th Apr 2002, 14:50
And finally .... THE RULES for guys :)

1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"

7. Drink spirits ... neat.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22. Say things like, "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitals, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you want quality.

60. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

61. Lie.

62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

66. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself or "spot" and others will worship your skills.

67. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

69. Lie.

70. General Rule: Different is BAD.

71. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

72. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

73. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

75. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.

77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.

78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.

79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."

80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.

82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

83. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.

85. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about the size of her, um...

86. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.

87. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

88. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

89. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of-you know how she loves them!

90. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.

91. Invite your girlfriend to a Anthrax concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.

92. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

93. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?

94. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

95. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

96. Blame everything on PMS.

:D

OzExpat
25th Apr 2002, 15:23
A bloke I know, who hasn't exactly had what one could term a lot of success with females, once asked me for advice. This is what I told him ...

Okay, first things first... you need to learn how to be a cad, a bounder, an opportunist! No conscience about loyalty to one particular female, no religious, political or even racial descrimination. Repeat after me ... "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"!

Girls pick up on this sort of attitude in guys very quickly. This means you'll only miss out on those that are looking for a commitment and that's fine because the rest are simply looking for a good shagging. Many of those who are looking for a commitment aren't yet wise enough to pick up on any of the above attitudes, so they are always prime, priority targets! :D

Tell them what they want to hear. It's so much simpler than telling them the truth and you'll end up with more nooky than you know what to do with!

I haven't heard from him since then so he's probably shagged himself to death by now... :p

PPRuNe Radar
25th Apr 2002, 16:30
You gave Slasher that advice ???? Wow, explains a lot. ;)

briteandbreezy
25th Apr 2002, 16:45
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- ^-.,.-^-.,.- ^-.,.-^



What He Says... and..... What He REALLY Means!!!

Do you have the time? (to go to bed)
Hello (Let's cut the talk and go have sex)
How are you? (-in bed, I mean!)
I'd like a discreet relationship. (I want sex, but I'm married!)
I'll be out of town for a few days. (I'll be spending time with with the wife)
I'm a novelist. (I have 10 unpublished books)
I'm coming off a long relationship. (My wife is divorcing me!)
I'm consulting. (I'm looking for a job)
I'm divorced. (I just slipped off my wedding ring!)
I'm in television. (I fix them!)
I'm involved in banking. (I'm a bank guard)
I'm self-employed. (I just got fired)
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. (I'm sorry I got caught!!)
I'm thinking of relocating. (I can't find a job locally in this town)
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. (Be patient forever)
I enjoy reading. (Playboy and Penthouse)
I have the Midas touch. (I install mufflers)
I like a woman who is intelligent. (As long as she acts like I'm smarter)
I love opera. (I want sex, but I've seen an opera once)
I play the market. (Safeway)
I work high up in an executive office. (I'm a window washer)
I work with computers. (I'm a cashier at a petrol station)
Looking for a satisfying relationship. (I want sex)
My business is really hot right now! (I hand out towels in a steam room)
My job keeps me running. (I'm a messenger)
My wife and I are separated. (She's at home and I'm here at the bar)



^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- ^-.,.-^-.,.- ^-.,.-^

Freak On A Leash
25th Apr 2002, 17:19
And they need to understand that if we can`t remember what we`ve done, then as far as we`re concerned it never happened.:cool:

somewhatconcerned
25th Apr 2002, 18:22
HM, you are quite correct, infact it's quite amusing watching them trying to get it down the dipstick tube.

UP THE REVOLUTION!!!!

RW-1
25th Apr 2002, 20:36
I hear a rumour that some women have managed to work out that you have to put oil in the car...

Rightly so hehehe, I've seen it.

Now if they would put it into the engine in the car ...... in correct quantities of course. :)

OzExpat
26th Apr 2002, 13:02
PPRuNe Radar... ahhhh, if only that were true mate. I'm sure that even HE would thank me... :rolleyes: :D But, the thing that makes it all so much more amusing is that the bloke in question is actually English ... and we all know how much sex those blokes miss out on! :D