View Full Version : my dog has just ejaculated on the couch

George B Duffy
18th Jan 2013, 18:30
Does anybody else have this problem?

I'm sitting nicely, watching the snooker, the dog is 'on the nest' with his favourite teddy in the middle if the floor.

Then I hear a funny noise, he looks up, goes straight to the edge of the couch and licks the offending substance clean off.

He has no shame. He does this, then jumps up and sits next up me and looks up with his big brown innocent eyes.

I couldn't get him snipped, couldn't do it to him.

18th Jan 2013, 18:36
There are somethings that just should not be shared. :=

18th Jan 2013, 18:37
Had the same problem with the wife. eBay is the answer.

Milo Minderbinder
18th Jan 2013, 18:38
maybe your wife could help keep the dog in hand?

18th Jan 2013, 18:48
At least you have a cum-fy sofa to sit on.

18th Jan 2013, 18:49
Maybe you should have a pussy (cat) in the house.

18th Jan 2013, 18:50
Say "heel boy", then get your hankie out.....

18th Jan 2013, 18:51
Chuck him in an icy lake, it'll shrivel his lipstick up..


18th Jan 2013, 18:51
Be glad it wasn't you, at least the dog will be scolded and then forgiven by the lady of the house in short order, whereas you.......:ouch:


Victor Inox
18th Jan 2013, 18:52
I'm not sure whether zoophilia is a suitable topic for Jet Blast.

18th Jan 2013, 18:55
Perhaps he read this thread ...........

Milo Minderbinder
18th Jan 2013, 18:55
"I'm not sure whether zoophilia is a suitable topic for Jet Blast."

Well where else in PPRuNe would you put it? Freight Dogs?

George B Duffy
18th Jan 2013, 19:03
He is (understandably) giving it zeds now, flat out asleep with teddy bear still in the prone position.

He's fortunate indeed that Mrs D ain't here or it would be another nail in the coffin for his nadgers.

18th Jan 2013, 19:05
Which is possibly an appropriate juncture for this joke :

3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?
"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the dejected Shepard.

The Shepard asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the bath and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Sheppard exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

No, No, the Doberman said, with a smug smile, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Local Variation
18th Jan 2013, 19:06
Could be worse. He could wipe it on the curtains.

18th Jan 2013, 19:34
You should re-name him "Caesar": he came, he saw, he ... ate. :cool:

18th Jan 2013, 19:43
Had the same problem with the wife-WHAT? She ejaculated on the couch holding a teddy?:eek: I have to say - speak to a counsellor.:)

18th Jan 2013, 19:45
I named my dog Holmes.

That way when he jumps up on the couch I yell "Git Down Holmes."

18th Jan 2013, 20:54
A great excuse Mr Duffy. I wish I'd thought of it when I was younger.

18th Jan 2013, 21:25
You should re-name him "Slasher":

fixed it for you bnt.


Mr Optimistic
18th Jan 2013, 22:13
What a great line for a Country and Western song

18th Jan 2013, 22:32
We have two dogs. My wife took them out for a walk recently and met a neighbour, who had been shopping. The neighbour bent over to make a fuss of one dog. While she was doing this, my wife noticed that the other dog had gone behind the poor unsuspecting lady. He suddenly cocked his leg up and began quietly peeing all down the backs of her trouser legs and in her shopping. :eek:

Mrs S was mortified and went round later to offer dry cleaning, to buy some fresh shopping and took a bunch of flowers.

I've never laughed so much for ages. :E

18th Jan 2013, 22:37
Does anybody else have this problem?

I'm sitting nicely, watching the snooker, the dog is 'on the nest' with his favourite teddy in the middle if the floor.

Then I hear a funny noise, he looks up, goes straight to the edge of the couch and licks the offending substance clean off.

He has no shame. He does this, then jumps up and sits next up me and looks up with his big brown innocent eyes.

I couldn't get him snipped, couldn't do it to him.

I got Horrible Hairy Harry gelded when he was six months. It hasn't stopped him humping and, from the panting whimpereing yapping noises that he makes after a little time with his basket blanket I rather think that he has climbed the mountain.

Temp Spike
18th Jan 2013, 23:58
Bust a nut.

19th Jan 2013, 02:11
What a great line for a Country and Western song

Johnny Cash singing...

Was a friendly snooker game with ma berddies and gals
And the dawg and the teddy....well, they're the best of pals
As the time went on and the beer was flowin'
A noise was heard and teddy got goin'....
But I suddenly had to yell "Ouch!"
Ma dawg dun just ejac'd upon the couch.

Temp Spike
19th Jan 2013, 02:16
Oh slasher!

Dibs on Half invest for the copyright!

19th Jan 2013, 05:59
my bitch s:mad:t in the bed once...i rubbed her nose in it

uffington sb
19th Jan 2013, 06:13

Are you talking of a dog?

19th Jan 2013, 06:30
Now I know what DFS (http://www.dfs.co.uk/) stands for.

Dog F:mad:s Sofas

19th Jan 2013, 07:25
I bet the next time you throw a stick for him, and want him to return it you, you won't shout "Come on, boy!"

19th Jan 2013, 08:17
Madam moosp read this over my shoulder and from the depths of her veterinarian's heart screamed "CASTRATE".

She says only the male owners miss their dogs ba££s...

Lon More
19th Jan 2013, 11:04
Johnny Cash - money for condoms?

19th Jan 2013, 11:20
George B Duffy
Posts: 0

At least assume your real pprune username when posting a new thread on JB that you seem to know very well.

Personnaly I couldn't careless about your dog sexual stories, but please go ahead I am sure many are interested.
I hope you won't answer to yourself with your real username on your own thread... But who am I kidding... You already dit right?

Really nothing to say about aviation at all???

pprune JB and garbage should have 2 different definitions. Should.

Lon More
19th Jan 2013, 11:39

Milo Minderbinder
19th Jan 2013, 12:41
castrating the beggar won't do any good, if this story has any truth in it

foodcourtlunch.com » A Noteworthy Event (http://foodcourtlunch.com/?p=3337)

19th Jan 2013, 12:44
At least assume your real PPRuNe username when posting a new thread on JB that you seem to know very well. - posts on JB do not add to post total, soif GBD ONLY posts here he/she could indeed be a 'regular'.

19th Jan 2013, 15:12
That's precisely why I said the poster knows very well JB, meanwhile has nothing to say about aviation: it doesn't take more than half a brain to understand he is not really the new poster he pretends, it means you guys are answering a thread the real author won't even assume under his real username. He is probabely answering himself with his other username in this very thread and you still participate.
And the subject of the thread is what again? You find yourself involved in a surreal discussion that you wouldn't have in the real life with a poster who cannot feel responsible for his thread concerning a subject that is maybe not even real but sure is the least interesting in the whole universe.

19th Jan 2013, 16:49
Though you may not find this interesting (if so, why are you posting here?), but some of us are truly fascinated.

19th Jan 2013, 16:58
Weeeeelll, I'm just a touch concerned that the medical profession is that interested :rolleyes:

George B Duffy
19th Jan 2013, 19:43
KAG, I have no idea who you are (Kevin Arnold Griffiths?) but if you can point out the spurious reply to myself of which you speak I'll be impressed.

I apologise profusely for being so impertinent as to post in such a confident, over familiar manner on an anonymous Internet forum. In future I will be sure to be far more humble, perhaps opening my post with, 'hi I'm new here!'

My dog really did ejaculate on my couch, and I really did post a thread about it. It hasn't happened today. Yet.

Anyway, aeroplanes, what about them?!!

19th Jan 2013, 19:54
What made I laarf was the ad at the bottom of the page...
'Clean up your PC today!'
Genius. :D

19th Jan 2013, 21:35
Profession has naught to do wi' it.
After a number of years on this and a number of other chat boards, some aviation and some on other interests, I have to admit, this particular topic has NEVER come up!

George B Duffy
20th Jan 2013, 09:54
Thanks Milo. I dip in and out of pprune, I note there are more non aviation topics on JB than there are about aviation, some of which result in all sorts of squabbling and posturing by posters. I avoid posting on such contentious topics as they are rarely reasonable discussions.

I don't think JB can have too many light hearted threads, but just for KAG I will be sure to post on an aviation related thread.

The couch is still stained.

Mac the Knife
20th Jan 2013, 10:06
min hund har precis utbrast på soffan
mia hundo ĵus krietis sur la sofo
моя собака только что произнес на диване
minu koer on lihtsalt hüüatas kohta diivan
meu cachorro acaba de ejaculado no sofá
מיין הונט האט נאָר עדזשאַקולאַטעד אויף דער קאַנאַפּע
mi perro acaba de eyacular en el sofá
ο σκύλος μου έχει μόλις εκσπερμάτωση στον καναπέ
kutyám most kiáltotta a kanapén
وقد أنزلت كلبي فقط على الأريكة

and so on...



20th Jan 2013, 10:06
One of the reasons I love JB:
First post, nothing to do with aviation, but it has a little to do with sex, albeit canine, and it's 33 posts before any criticises it because it has no aviation content.

20th Jan 2013, 12:31
Everyone here has simply assumed that GBD's dog really ejaculated...?! Instead of perhaps merely peeing (or otherwise) a very little bit etc.

How does a dog's ejaculation compare to a human-being's? I have some very distant memories of my own (mostly as a 13/14 year old). They were pretty thick and (moderated - too much detail).

I have a suggestion for GBD and similar. Please invite more friends 'round yers. That way, the dog's frivilous actions (holding onto yer guests' legs and humping away) can be explained away as an ice-breaker. And the cleaning bills will fall elsewhere, instead of on yer own couch...?! ;)

Milo Minderbinder
20th Jan 2013, 13:07

this should answer all your questions
Just don't read it over the breakfast table
A Brief Guide to Dog Sex (http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=3452.0;wap2)

George B Duffy
20th Jan 2013, 13:22
Airship, trust me when I say I know the difference between the two - besides which the lipstick hanging between his legs was a bit of a giveaway.

20th Jan 2013, 17:34
A Brief Guide to Dog Sex

Jesus Milo you can be a real sick bastard when you wanna be - I guess that's
why I luv ya! ;)

There was some pertinent advice in your article that can particularly apply to
human sexual behavior too -

Clean your hands, clean your c*ck, clean your big toe if you intend to insert it
into your bitch.

Definite signs that a bitch is receptive are:.....Soliciting - rubbing her butt in
your crotch, sitting on your face, etc;

If you have your husband or boyfriend handy, this is a good time to give him
that slow, loving bl*wjob you promised him for his birthday last year.

That's all - I was gonna :yuk: if I'd read any further!

I must remember that big toe thing though...

20th Jan 2013, 17:43
I sincerely hope the dog didn't lick your face afterward.

Lon More
20th Jan 2013, 20:48
Slash with Ceiling Cat around I'd have thought you had all the pussy you could handle.

Lon More
20th Jan 2013, 20:51
3. Professional Animal Masturbator

Okay, so this one isn’t all that dangerous, but there is a lot of stress to be had with being perceived as a bestial pervert, and that’s the risk that you run when it comes to animal masturbation. See, researchers need animal sperm for their studies, and that stuff’s got to come out of the barnyard creatures somehow. The animal masturbator is the guy responsible for getting the job done, whether by shoving an electric probe up the animal’s backside, holding an artificial vagina up to the creature’s penis, or rolling up the sleeves and doing it the Error! Hyperlink reference not valid.. Take your pick. Good times.


20th Jan 2013, 20:58
Is that a nun giving a helping hand?

20th Jan 2013, 21:53
Milo's been banned from the thread to allow him to cool down, but he wants it known that he does not practice or condone bestiality or maltreatment of animals, which of course would be totally illegal.

It may be of interest to see the web page of the lady who wrote that guide - Dr Rachel Ross, an american counseller / therapist
Dr. Rachael – About Dr. Rachael (http://drrachael.com/adult/?page_id=511)
She is actually a professional clinical sexologist

She also appears to be a prolific fiction writer, but I won't link to those stories......

21st Jan 2013, 02:28
3. Professional Animal Masturbator

You can add Dr Busker to the list....


Lon More
21st Jan 2013, 05:52
Very funny show fromDr. Busker at the Dorset Steam Fair most years.

This might be someone's favourite though NFSFW

Biker Joe Warren I Wanna Be A Gynocologist - YouTube

21st Jan 2013, 10:43
In one of the James Herriot books, there's an amusing description of getting bull semen. Given that most cows get artificially inseminated these days, one supposes that someone must have the job of getting the stuff.

21st Jan 2013, 10:55
Two maiden women called in the AI man as their cow had dried up.

When he arrived they showed him to the byre where the cow was waiting, and pointed out a nail on the back of the door "to hang your trousers so they don't get dirty . . . "

21st Jan 2013, 11:19
Not sure if this would be worse.....


21st Jan 2013, 13:54
Well....it was better he shagged the
couch to bits rather than your leg!

21st Jan 2013, 16:28
I sincerely hope the dog didn't lick your face afterward.

I think he said it was on the sofa, not his face.

21st Jan 2013, 17:34
That may be, SkyTorque. But dogs have a way of wanting to taste any of their "left behinds."

Gives new meaning to sloppy seconds.

21st Jan 2013, 18:08
I sincerely hope the dog didn't lick your face afterward.When did dog owners start to care about that? 9 times in 10 the dog licked its nethers just before your face.

22nd Jan 2013, 07:23


22nd Jan 2013, 07:31
Crippen - made I larf, that did :}:E

bugg smasher
23rd Jan 2013, 00:40
Judging from the pooch's ears and the photographically blurred bits around the hind end, I'd say that was a wind tunnel experiment of some kind...

23rd Jan 2013, 06:31
...the dog licked its nethers....

The reason a dog does that is because he can!

23rd Jan 2013, 14:02
Concerning crippen's video.

Looks to me like there is another animal under the cushion. Might be a cat or another dog, or just another cushion. Already stuffed or otherwise perhaps. Can't blame the doggie for his best efforts though.

PS. Over the next 10-15 years or so, they say that the imbalance of the Chinese population between males and available females (human-beings) will result in about 10-20 million Chinese males featuring in similar videos. Which could be quite amusing (at best) or else very alarming depending on how you look at it all. Apparently China will overtake the USA as the world's most powerful economy before the end of the current decade. When the USA was still the world's undisputed and most formidable economic and military power back in the 1960s and 70s, they basically converted huge swathes of Thailand and SE Asia generally into one big knocking-shop devoted to R&R activities for their military...

One dares not imagine what the cumulative efforts of those 10-20 millions of Chinese males might result in, if just 10-20% of them refuse the principle of regular "dry-humping"... :uhoh:

Fire and brimstone
23rd Jan 2013, 14:47
I own two vet surgery's in West Cornwall, please let me help you.

If the dog cannot be cured, I know a bloke with a video camera, and several female friends who 'aren't to fussy' who can make your dog a star.

Ring me.