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flyblue
14th Apr 2002, 15:49
Why do men lack the "finding" gene?
Why can't they find the ****** milk in the refrigerator when they stand in front of the open door revealing a white shining *MILK* bottle ?
Why can't they EVER find the car keys?
Why do they have to borrow your mobile to locate theirs?
Why they swear something is not where you said it was even if the thing is frantically waving at them?
Finally, why do they always accuse you of misplacing the object in question even if you can recall very vividly that it stands exactly where they used it last time? :confused:
WHY WHY WHY???

chapman1
14th Apr 2002, 16:37
flyblue

When a man stands motionless at a fridge door it is not because he cannot find the milk, as he sees it front and clear. Upon the opening of the door, and the exposure to the soft cold light, the man in question simply drifts into a higher state of consciousness and the requirement for milk fades into obscurity.

Staring into the light, he does not see bacon and lettuce, or even that tofu his wife bought in 1986. He beholds visions of infinite wisdom and complexity, and questions of time, and spirit. Towards the furthest expanses of the fridge, by the 7 year old custard stain, the deepest mysteries and beauties of the universe transpire, and that is why he, in your eyes, stares aimlessly and pointlessly for the milk, and why, upon closing the door and meandering a few metres away he suddenly remembers his cornflakes and returns, collecting the milk by touch and avoiding the temptation of the mighty white light.

But don't worry. As the door closes and the light turns off (as we all assume it does) he returns to pondering the questions more appropriate to his immediate life, and those of which you know him best, such as 'who would be better at chess, a panda or a weasel?', or 'are those Carol Smiley's real teeth?'. :confused:

Loki
14th Apr 2002, 17:44
I`m not sure that I spend much pondering time in front of the fridge. The problem with mine is that it keeps showing the message "too warm" whenever I start philosophising. I reserve questions of the cosmos warping kind to when I`m seated on the kazi. That way I can successfully carry out two functions at once, which for a bloke is an impressive feat.

Tartan Gannet
14th Apr 2002, 21:12
I have found the following truth to be self evident.

Open a fridge and look in the drawer at the bottom. Is it full of cans of beer, probably lager? Then it is either the fridge of a bloke living on his own such as myself or in a household where the man is boss.

If it is full of strange green leaves and other such matter its a lassie's fridge or in a home where the woman rules the roost.

Grainger
14th Apr 2002, 21:25
In my experience, the more an object is out in the open, in full view, right in front of your nose....

... the more invisible it becomes !

chapman1
14th Apr 2002, 22:39
What is wrong with using a mobile to locate another. This is not the fault of men, as the responsibilty lies entirely with the product manufacturer, who is more often than not from a country that spends 6 months in darkness. This may partly explain why the primary mission of these scandanavian telecommunication geeks is to develop a phone so small as to require the digits of an anorexic gerbil to dial.

What was wrong with the one int' olden days that was like talking into a slide projector. You had made it, and all the young ladies knew it because you were shouting to Bunty through 10 kilograms of circuit boards held to your head.

The where-abouts of our phones will always elude us, and we can either use your phone to find it, or stare into the fridge, where the answers to all lifes mysteries lie. However, it seems clear that both these solution are unacceptable.

ORAC
14th Apr 2002, 22:59
Phones are an essential element in a woman's life, so she remembers it. To a man it is just another toy, amongst many toys. Hence, when he is bored with it, he just put it down and forgets about it! :D

Scientifically, mens' brains work by pattern recognition. So the exact location of individual items is not important. (Which is the reason why you can drive the same route every day, but not be able to name or describe the shops/churchs etc on the route and can reach the destination with no memory of driving it). Womens' brains tend to work by object recognition. Which is why the rely more on signs and names and tend to recognise changes and be able to describe the route in detail.

Which explains why women cannot understand and get annoyed when men are so uncertain about the location of things or cannot describe them; and cannot understand why men get upset by things being reorganised at frequent intervals, changing the pattern.

ps. I have never lost my car keys; I know exactly where my phone is - just where I left it 18 months ago after I last used it! And my fridge has no milk in it because it would have gone off while I've away.

But it has beer in it for when I get home! :D

traveler
14th Apr 2002, 23:07
Question:

We have a build in fridge in the kitchen. It was to small to my liking but decided not to cut and ruin the granite work surface. So we bought a second fridge and placed it in the mud-room. (about 2 feet but one door away from the first fridge). The first fridge has strange green leaves and other such matter in the bottom drawer. The other fridge has 4 different types of beer on the bottom 2 layers. (plus some Riesling).

Who rules the roost ??

ORAC
14th Apr 2002, 23:18
You have merely put off the question.

If one of the fridges breaks, which gets dumped, the beer or the green stuff? And I think you know the answer.................
:D

traveler
14th Apr 2002, 23:34
I dunno.
I'm employed, ... I think I'll just replace it.
But she probably knows.
Lemme ask her .....

Sliding member
15th Apr 2002, 00:21
The advantage of beer of course is that it will still survive with out a fridge, unlike the white & green stuff.
And why do women think that gateposts are wider than they really are?

chapman1
15th Apr 2002, 00:46
The purpose of beer is not to survive, but for me to drink it, and for this it needs to be cold. In short, beer gets priority because I want it cold, as opposed to the green stuff, which I simply don't want.

henry crun
15th Apr 2002, 02:15
Car keys ! I'll tell you about car keys.

The ex Mrs Crun couldn't remember where she'd put them two minutes after she'd put them down, ever. :mad:

FlyingForFun
15th Apr 2002, 12:26
I don't keep beer in the bottom of my fridge.

Firstly, you can't see it in the bottom draw without opening the draw. Much better to put it on a shelf, where you can see it (alongside the milk!) as soon as you open the door. Makes it much easier to find when drunk, as well as being easier to see how much space there is for more beer before going shopping.

Then, there's the fact that if you keep the beer in the drawer at the bottom of the fridge, the process for retrieving another beer is: open fridge, open drawer, take beer, close drawer, close fridge. Two of those steps (open drawer and close drawer) can be omitted if the beer is kept on a shelf instead of in the bottom drawer.

Another disadvantage of putting the beer in the bottom drawer is that you have to bend down to retrieve it. After several beers, bending down to retrieve your next beer runs the risk of not being able to stand up again, thus leaving the fridge door open (with you blocking it) and letting the beer get warm.

And, finally, if you keep the green stuff anywhere visible, you notice when it starts turning brown (as it inevitably does), throw it out, and replace it with more green stuff - which soon turns brown, gets thrown out, etc.... Much better to keep the green stuff in the bottom drawer, where it can't be seen - then, when it turns brown, you won't notice, you won't replace it, and you'll save money.

FFF
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chapman1
15th Apr 2002, 14:02
The original topic of this thread was the shameless suggestion that mens' woeful memories are a burden to the female of the species. I retort that a woman's memory always fails her at one of the most critical social scenarios; the telling of jokes.

Invariably, a woman will surround herself with people important and influential to your exsistence, such as friends, family and people you are trying to impress, and endeavor to tell the joke that you told them that morning.

Upon delivery of the punch line, and the observation of the uncomfortable and confused faces of those paying attention, the woman reaslises that the Irish man was in fact blind, and not deaf. Equally, the woman may be consentrating so hard to remember every detail required for the punch line that she inadvertantly reveals it 4 seconds into the performance.

FlyingForFun
15th Apr 2002, 16:10
Thanks for the reminder about the original topic being woefull memories, chapman.... I'd forgotten :D :rolleyes: :D

FFF
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ft
15th Apr 2002, 16:26
Bah, a Real Phone never gets lost. A Real Phone has this nifty device attached to it for location purposes called A Cord. The Cord attaches to the Phone Locating Point in the wall. Thus, you can always track a Real Phone down if you know where the PLP is.

The beauty of it is, the fairer half of the species might be able to hide your tools (no, they do NOT belong in the cabinet in the garage, they MUST be under the couch. What if there is an emergency, such as you all of a sudden realising that you don't know how gizmo X really works?) but PLP relocations, that's your exclusive domain. It involves lots of complicated operations, such as half a year of planning, eight months of procrastination, a trip to the hardware store to get a wire stripper, a rebuild of the car (or preferably a new car) in order to get to the hardware store... If you're good, a new house will come between you and the actual relocation of the PLP.

This cellular cr*p is just a trend and will blow over. I hate being reachable anyway. It always interfers with the Important Things in Life, such as beer, hockey, pool or Expensive Toys. Wireless phones are good though, they can be used in the garage. Most importantly, the PLP attached part of them has a location button.

Cheers,
Fred

Loki
15th Apr 2002, 18:22
I know where my car keys are. They are in the place where I last saw them.

Thats very handy, because thats the last place I will look.

HugMonster
15th Apr 2002, 18:39
I reckon it's all a load of dingo's kidneys.

My car cars are only ever in one of three places - the table by the front door, my pocket, or the car ignition.

Mobile phone is on my person, or in the hands free cradle in the car, or sitting on my desk.

Milk is in the fridge door, in the pocket designed especially for bottles (cunning, that! :D)

My sister always has a ten-minute hunt for the car keys. They're not in her handbag. They're not in the handbag she was using yesterday. They're not in her coat pocket. Are they in the pocket of the coat she was wearing yesterday? Dunno - what coat was she wearing yesterday? No - can't be in that one - she took it to the cleaners earlier today - or was that the green one? KIDS!! HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS? No - they haven't. Okay - are they in the kitchen anywhere? In the cutlery drawer? The dishwasher? Time to check the bedroom (again). etc. etc. etc.... THEN she has to repeat the process with the house keys...

She also has a remarkable propensity for filling the fridge with little bowls or plates with leftover foodstuffs in/on. Now, I dunno about anyone else here, but when I cook, I judge quantities. There aren't any leftovers. Or, if I had a brainstorm and thought that for four people you needed two pounds of rice, then what remains is either used the following day, or thrown out. But she prefers the fascination of trying to guess what this particular mound of green mould is, how old it is, and how likely it is to be able to walk soon...

djk
15th Apr 2002, 19:24
first place I always check when I can't find my door keys is the fridge. old trick learnt when many moons ago, woke up, opened fridge, noticed there was a severe lack of milk, got dressed, went to shops, came back to house, put milk in fridge, thought fridge was a bit untidy, placed doorkeys on shelf in fridge, closed fridge door and went off to work. took me 3 days to find them again. :D

FlyingForFun
16th Apr 2002, 10:35
When I lose something, I usually find it in the last place I look.

(That's because I usually stop looking after I've found it, though.)

:rolleyes:

FFF
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AngleAndAttack
16th Apr 2002, 14:05
Flyblue,

You are indeed generalizing.

Moment was right perhaps.:D

Tartan Gannet
16th Apr 2002, 19:39
Chapman, this effect of women being unable to tell jokes is called the "Iron Pub" Syndrome.

Thus female telling joke "A man walks into a pub and hits his head and falls down. ...........It was an Iron PUB! (think about it!)

Any other examples of girly joke misfires lads?

chapman1
16th Apr 2002, 21:28
I know that joke Gannet, and it's a lot funnier told wrong as it is right.

The worst joke I've had the pleasure of a woman mess up was:

Q: What do you call a fly without legs?
A: A walk!!!! hahahahah............no, no! I mean wings!!!

At this point the only thing a kind gentleman can do is calmly escort her from the crowd and leave her in a darkened corner, with her expression of mild confusion, to think about what she's done. It's for her own good.

Squawk7777
17th Apr 2002, 02:57
simple! Because us men worry about you ladies the whole time!

Has she switched off the lights of me car?

Has she used my credit card AGAIN?

... and so on

But please flyblue, do me a favour and answer my thread

"Why do women"

je suis curieux ... :D

Merci

min
17th Apr 2002, 04:18
I'll have you know I always put my keys in the same spot on my hall table....took me awhile to train myself, but I'm there now.

I also very rarely have to return home these days to check if I've turned the iron off...

M.

rainbow
17th Apr 2002, 14:07
The "Invisible Object in Front of Your Face Syndrome" was a common feature of New South Welshman behaviour particularly when I resided there in NSW some years ago.

New South Welshwomen at the time described this search failure phenomena as "a man's look".:D

Mr Bump
17th Apr 2002, 14:43
There is an easy answer to your questions flyblue :

Whenever the blokes are out doing things and their other halves / girlfriends / wifes stay at home, the process of 'tidying things away' is initiated.

Any item that is not bolted down or secured is fair game and liable to be relocated.

This explains why us blokes "swear something is not where we put it".

And it is the reason that things like my car keys and mobile phone are always in my possession at all times. If not, I would be constantly searching for them.

Also, have you ever noticed that on some occassions you would be searching for something and your other half says "haven't you looked over there" and you know 100% that you have looked there and it wasn't there. But when you go back and look (anything for a quiet life) amazingly it's magically appeared. Don't you get the feeling that they've just been put there? Or maybe it is magic after all...

rainbow
17th Apr 2002, 14:55
Precisely Mr Bump, and well put.

What I have always wanted to know... and a question never answered to my satisfaction ...follows:

If you live alone, does the remote control to the video still go missing?

;)

ft
17th Apr 2002, 16:14
rainbow,
yes it does.

There's a caveat though. I'm not exactly living alone. I'm sharing my apartment with the chinchilla which was the base for my previously aired doubts about darwinism.

Chinchillas are genetically programmed to devour remote control buttons. If you leave the remote control in any chinchilla-reachable area (most areas are reachable) you will have to snatch it out of her vice-like grip, probably lacking yet another button.

Thus, the remote has a strange way of finding it's way up to on top of doors and other peculiar locations.

Cheers,
Fred