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Hugh De Payen
13th Apr 2002, 22:20
Airfoil Used by those creating a home perm.
Airspeed Speed of an aeroplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot!
Angle of Attack Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Bank The people that hold the loan on most pilots cars.
Barrel Roll Sport enjoyed at crew picnics.
Spoilers The CAA!
Tail Wind Results from eating beans, ofter causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Tactics What a broken clock sounds like!
Stall Technique used when asked for height and position
Service ceiling Altitude at which the cabin crew can serve drinks!

Anyone got any more?

Kalium Chloride
14th Apr 2002, 00:54
TCAS -- chicken dishes traditionally served with 23 pints of Heineken

ORAC
14th Apr 2002, 02:08
Arresting Gear: A Policeman's equipment.

Carburetor Icing: A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops. Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.

Motor: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

Roll: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

Turn & Bank Indicator: An instrument highly ignored by pilots.

Useful Load: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.

Up: A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.

VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.

Windsocks: Socks that need darning.

Yankee: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".

Zero: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.

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YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF
Your stall horn plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You've used moonshine instead of avgas
You have Mack mud flaps behind your main wheels
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You've taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the landing gear.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude".
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tabacco stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match.
Your best com radio has 40 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
The floor of your aircraft is covered with hay.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The spitoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be flying".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

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10 Ways you can tell your pilot is on drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Columbia.
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
2. When you fly over international dateline, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

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Why Airplanes are Better than Women

An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.

Airplanes like to do it inverted.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

You can fly an airplane any time of the month

Airplanes don't have parents.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.

If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.

It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

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You know when you've been flying too long when...

...you pull out of your driveway and start to drive with your car centered on the dashed line.
...you spend so much time scanning for (airplane) traffic when driving that you forget there's a bus coming toward you.
...you pull into the parking lot and start turning off the Radios, Electrical equipment, ... and where's the dang Mixture???
...you use the emergency brake to drop the flaps.
...you safety-wire the gas cap on your Pinto.
...you roll down the window and shout "CLEAR!" before starting.
...you brake through left turns and accelerate through right turns.
...you try to shove a dipstick down the fuel filler pipe.
...you get really nervous about the skids around corners.
...you drive home from work - you start sequencing cars for the approach at a four way stop sign.
...you drive into a fog bank and immediately start to stare at the dashboard.
...you start logging the odometer readings on your car.
..you are lost in a strange city and you let go of the wheel and get out your sectional (without pulling over or stopping)
...during a looooong drive on a curving highway in unfamiliar territory, you look for your DG/Compass.
...you tell the cop that you are allowed to go up to 250 in the TCA.
...you get on the highway and hit "rotate speed" (50 mph for a Cessna 150). You pull back on the wheel and don't get airborne. You panic, abort the "takeoff" and hit the brakes. (Drives the guy in close trail with you crazy)!
...you get out of your car and look for tiedown ropes.
...you watch the local news, hoping the weather anchor will give you ceilings, visibilities and winds aloft.
...you reach for the microphone to talk to the people in the back seat.
...you attempt to steer your Buick with the brake and clutch.
...you bark at your wife, "Takeoff Checklist!"
...you ride the clutch to counteract engine torque.

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You have a bad airline pilot when.....

- You overhear him say on the intercom, "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
- For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.
- He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 45 feet."
- Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.
- When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
- At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"
- He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.
- Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
- As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.
- Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy."
- He keeps pacing up and down the aisle muttering, "So many gauges, so little time."
- You're halfway to your destination and he's still taxiing.
- Announces on the intercom that "We're now passing over the Grand Canyon or the Panama Canal."
- During the descent, you're advised to remain in your seat until the FAA investigators arrive.

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The Stewardess

A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly. "Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

Dimensional
14th Apr 2002, 11:06
You know you've been flying too long when ...you brake through left turns and accelerate through right turns.

When I started learning to drive I actually used to do this! My instructor pulled me up for it ... and considering I learned to fly in a "Cessna Spamcan" ...:D :cool: