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briteandbreezy
11th Apr 2002, 05:13
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ A True Woman's Workout Diary ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. :)


Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! :D


Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. :p


Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh*t too!! :(


Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank!!! :eek:


Friday:

I hate that b*stard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f#**ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? :mad:


Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the F#**ing Weather Channel!!!!! :(


Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the [email protected]*@£D) will choose a gift for me that is fun......................................................... .................. like a root canal or a hysterectomy. ;) :mad:




............................................................ ........................................................

scran
11th Apr 2002, 05:21
Girls Night Out






Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy’s egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do? Then the woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

sprocket
11th Apr 2002, 10:52
Martha Stewart's Way Vs The Real Woman's Way

1. Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet
up eating it anyway.
2. Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.
3. Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
4. Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too damn bad ….. Please recite with me: The Real Women's motto:
I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
5. Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
6. Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Sarah Lee frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
7. Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in
your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because
you are now BLIND!
8. Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.
9. Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?
10. Martha’s way: Use the oven timer to help cook that roast to perfection. The Real Women’s Way: Use the oven timer alright, to remind you when to order pizza!