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kabz
9th Apr 2002, 18:39
Saw this. Enjoyed it. Plagiarised it.



What Microsoft Left Out of Flight Sim 2002

Here are a few features that they left out of Flight Simulator 2002 Professional Edition:

Contradictory NOTAMs that say itís OK to fly, while others say itís not. Itís up to you to decide whatís wheat and whatís chaff!

Every time you deviate from the noise abatement procedure, an angry mother who chairs the local homeownerís association will appear on screen complaining about how Cessnas and Pipers are a threat to her children. Sync thy props, she exclaims! Of course, the airport has been there for a hundred years.

Oops! Youíve deviated into a TFR. Lifelike fighter jets appear, complete with General Patton style military characters. Hope you remembered your interception procedures. Engineers are working on accurately simulating getting blown up by an air-to-air missile. I wish they'd let you deploy countermeasures rather than be a sitting duck.

You receive an e-mail from the FAA that you have been grounded for that one time you smoked pot in college. We canít have people who fail criminal background checks punching holes in the sky, you know.

The computer tells you when you have violated an FAR. This feature simulates the FAAís violation procedure, complete with LOIís, 609 checkrides, administrative action, remedial training, notice of certificate action, and NASA forms.

If you run out of fuel and crash, this feature shows you what itís like never to get insurance for the rest of your natural born life.

Air traffic controllers with an attitude who are always too busy just say, "squawk 1200 remain clear of the class bravo."

Doom-style shoot-em-up game features could be added to simulate fighting cockpit intruders. Stun gun or real gun? You choose your own weapon.

Enhanced Hobbs meter feature shows aircraft rental rate increase exponentially.

Jumpers away! Hope youíve got visual contact on the dingaling who dropped them.

Collision avoidance: Traffic at 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, and 3 o'clock. Can you make evasive maneuvers in time?

Big jet wake turbulence: Get too close and your airplane breaks apart.
A&Ps with weights much higher than their IQs talk to you about getting their GED.

Thieves steal the brand new $10,000 Garmin GPS you just had installed.

A mysterious airworthiness directive grounds your aircraft indefinitely.

Your medical has been revoked! Should have stayed away from those potato chips, insulin boy. This feature accurately simulates the FAA medical ordeal, complete with geriatric curmudgeon medical examiner. Try to convince the feds that you're not really crazy after all.

Accurate simulation of the cracks in the dashboard of your 30+ year old rental aircraft. And don't forget the burnt out LED's in the radio digits.

Accurately simulates the bad food and slow service at these $100 hamburger grease pit destinations.

When your engine gets to TBO, you have to sell your house before you can take off again.
And what killer software application would be complete without the shirtless volleyball scene from Top Gun? Isn't that why the public and lawmakers are so well informed about aviation matters?

Ted Huffmire
San Francisco, Calif.

RW-1
9th Apr 2002, 19:46
How about an add on? :

The Passenger Simulator!

Tired of stressful ATP or FS2000? Sick of nagging ATC?

Take the (seat) controls of a 747,767,707,737,727,A320. Hey, they're much the same when you are sitting down in cattle class, worrying whether your pilot has a drinking problem, or if the Iranian student sitting next to you is going to start screaming incomprehensible political slogans at any moment.

New Features

SVGA drivers
Windows support (only joking!)

A true to detail 'seat back' display.(YOU choose the non-flame-retardant covering) 'one click' action to lower the tray table

Random diversions to any airport not of your choice

Inflight entertainment soundblaster support (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, how's that for realism!)

The simulation even includes a random selection of inflight magazines, all with the crosswords completed, and containing the usual mind-numbing boring crap. (Just use the click'n'drag mouse o' matic)

You have control!

Click on the attendant call button... and.... NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!! WOW!! Realism like this would normally be found only in fully configured ATP sims.

Software comes complete with seating allocation cards, invalid visas, out of date departure tax stamps, and sick bags.

Fly realtime across the US, experience real turbulence, actually throw up! And at all times the flight characteristics of the set back in front of you are faithfully reproduced (even down to that little brat kicking the seat, whose parents are tanked on scotch & dries and don't give a rats about what their swinish issue are up to).

Includes special mystery 'oxygen mask drops'! Were you watching the safety briefing???? Remember, you WILL be scored on your survival in an emergency.

Null modem hookups allow SIMULTANEOUS flights, with realtime communication with your fellow passengers.

Add ons:
Aeroflot mystery flights
Qantas 'football team in your section' tours

Special Toilet & Restroom scenery designer
AdLib soundcard driver support, 4 disks of monotonous droning noises, interspersed with the toilet flushing every 20 mins.

Order yours TODAY, discounts for 30 day advance purchase APEX orders, no money back in case of cancellation, no money back if you are dissatisfied, special conditions apply, no loud talk from the customer, sit down, shut up, drink your drink, and watch that crappy second run Hungarian movie about goatherders (with subtitles you can't quite see because the seat back (tm) is too high.)