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scran
8th Apr 2002, 03:54
C'mon Gang, lets have some new jokes for a change.

I'll start.

A Pet

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore.
We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much
you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal
was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them
and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know
that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a sh*t one way or the other


(PS - Sorry about any religeous connection here Danny!! )
:D :D

planejane
8th Apr 2002, 12:41
Hi Scran, yes I agree, some new jokes are in order. I found the following a cack, hope some you do too.........

PS - It's been a long time since I posted and I wanted to check out this new format - wow!


A Samoan boy and his father were visiting the city. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son..........



"GO GET YOUR MOTHER".

:)

The Nut Behind The Wheel
8th Apr 2002, 12:55
Morton the sheep- hand lived on a property in outback West Aussie. Now Morton wasn't a particularly bright fella.

Well, one day, the Rural products rep arrived, to demonstrate a new "pep-up" pill for old, knackered out rams.

"Go and get me your oldest, most knackered ram will you Morton" says the rep
"You won't believe what this pill will do for your ram", says the rep to the station manager, as he shoves the pill down the animals throat.
"I reckon you should send your young bloke here out to see what happens overnight"

Well, come the morning, and the manager arrives at the bottom paddock to see what has happened. There is Morton, eyes like dinner- plates, saying
"That pill is amazing, boss! 731 ewes that ram did! Can I have one too?"
"Don't be an idiot, those pills are for animals, not humans", says the manager.

Well, all week Morton is bugging the boss. By Friday, his pleas are becoming desperate.
"Please, please boss- I got these seven wimmin coming around this weekend"
By now, he's on his hands and knees.
"Allright then- you have to take it now, and I won't be responsible for the consequences. Just make sure you're back here on Monday", says the boss.

Morton hurries off, as happy as larry.

Well, Monday morning comes around, and this bedraggled figure, clothes torn, hair standing straight out, struggles up the driveway. The boss comes out and says
"Don't tell me that pill worked"
"You bet boss- I'm so shagged! Hey boss, you got any Deep Heat"
"Deep Heat- you put that on your dick, and you'll be in orbit" says the boss
"No, No, not for my dick boss, for my arm- those seven wimmin never showed up!" ;)

somewhatconcerned
8th Apr 2002, 14:50
Don't click if you are likely to be offended.
Queen Mum Joke (http://www.marmitespider.co.uk/royal.html)

and don't b1tch to me if you are.:p

briteandbreezy
8th Apr 2002, 15:49
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago!!" :p

pigboat
8th Apr 2002, 19:53
A priest took a sabbatical at a remote fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a huge fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, standing in the boat holding a dip net, yelled "Look at the size of that son of a b***h!"

The priest was aghast. "Son', he said, "I'm a priest. That language is uncalled for."

"No, no father, that's what kind of a fish it is--a son of a b***h fish!"

"Really? Well, I'll be a son of a b***h!"

Once it was in the boat, they both marvelled at the size of it. "Father, that's the biggest son of a b***h I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big son of a b***h. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that son of a b***h!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary happened by and inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big son of a b***h I caught!"

Sister Mary blanched, clutched her rosary and cried, "Father!"

"It's ok sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a son of a b***h fish."

"Oh well then, what are you going to do with the big son of a b***h?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares with the taste of a son of a b***h."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled for a visit in a few days and that they should fix the son of a b***h for dinner. "Why, she said, I'll even clean the son of a b***h."

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in and asked, "What are you doing, Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big son of a b***h for the Pope's dinner."

"Sister, I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no. It's called a son of a b***h fish. Really."

"Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that son of a b***h can be the main course. Let me know when you've finished cleaning the son of a b***h."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared a superb meal. There was wine, and the fish was excellent.

"This is great fish. Where did you get it" the Pope asked.

"I caught the son of a b***h!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the son of a b***h!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope's jaw dropped and he stared in silent disbelief.

And the friar added, "I prepared the son of a b***h, using a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them, and slowly a big smile crept over his face.

"You f*****s are all right!"
:D

Skytrucker87
8th Apr 2002, 20:27
The location is a sheep farm in Australia. The Oz farmer has an Aborigine farmhand who is bless with the most beautiful wife a man could dream of. In the fullness of time, the Aborigine wife became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful white baby. The farm hand was very confused and went to the farmer to request some explanation. The farmer took him out to the field and told him,
"Look, son, almost all of them sheeps are white, but if you look closely, you can see just three black ones. Thats the way nature works."
The farmhand seemed to accept this explanation, but the following year, the woman gave birth to yet another white baby. The same explanation was offered but the farm hand said,
"Look boss, I'll do a deal with you. You leave my wife alone and I'll leave your sheep alone."

Jolly Hockeysticks
10th Apr 2002, 14:03
Two guys who had been life long friends were working together and one friend noticed that the other had been feeling down for a few days. He asked him why.

His friend replied,"My wife cut me down to sex once a week."

To this his friend replied, "No need to feel so badly, I know some other guys she cut out completely."

Spiggit
11th Apr 2002, 00:25
*Gets his coat and dons flame proof suit *

Bit mathematical this one (mumbles appology:)

Hypothesis:

Women require the expenditure of both time and money to ensure continued erm, friendship :D Represented in terms of maths:

Woman = Time x Money

But as everyone knows (especially when shopping :D )

Time = Money (spent)

Suggesting that

Women = Money^2

As the saying goes:

Money = square root (evil)

Sub'ing in:

Women = {sqrt(evil)}^2 = Evil

:D :D

Gunner B12
11th Apr 2002, 02:43
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant. James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers
get the better of the builder.....

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. . Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large

garden then? Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of your garden, the size of your house, your family and your sex life!

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well then, you're a [email protected]

mfoamc
11th Apr 2002, 03:07
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.


Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.


"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week," she replied.


"But it has only been two days, what do you mean a week?" he asked.


"I am just here to get something to eat," said his wife.

AAL_Silverbird
11th Apr 2002, 06:57
Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."


Men's Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour, vinegary and give you a headache."

Jolly Hockeysticks
11th Apr 2002, 14:34
A mother called her son on Easter Sunday to make sure he got out of bed and was ready for Church.

"I'm not going", he replied.

"Yes you are going, so get out of that bed !" his mother demanded.

"Give me ONE good reason why I should go," said her son.

"I'll give you THREE good reasons ... One, I'm your mother, and I say you're going. Two, you're 40 years old, so you're old enough to know better ... and three, you're the goddamn Minister, so you had better well be there."

Landing_24R
12th Apr 2002, 17:28
A personal favourite... and it's (unusually) very clean as well...

An inflatable pupil is told off by his inflatable teacher in an inflatable classroom full of inflatable pupils. Furious, the teacher says-

"Boy...in messing around with that pin you have not only let yourself down, you have let me down and the entire class down"

No? I liked it anyway...

:D :D :D

HOVIS
12th Apr 2002, 18:38
Excerpts from The Book of Remembrance:

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.
----------------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are ****"
J.Clement. Grantham.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover". L. J.Worthington,
Penrith.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the dayoff".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
----------------------------------------------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
----------------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
---------------------------------------------------------
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
---------------------------------------------------------
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes,Romford.
---------------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of ****'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
----------------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
---------------------------------------------------------

Sliding member
13th Apr 2002, 03:54
Well I prefer the old simple ones (like me?)

"2 parrots sat on a perch, one says to other 'Can you smell fish'"......

Now where's my coat.............................?:D

henry crun
13th Apr 2002, 04:03
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.................."

"Oh ****** this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you sh*g me!"

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh. bugga!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out

>

>

>

>

>

>

"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

briteandbreezy
13th Apr 2002, 04:36
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step.
A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step - and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends!"

Sliding member
13th Apr 2002, 04:42
Anyone hear about the Blacksmiths that got broken into??
The guard dog made a bolt for the door....

Jolly Hockeysticks
13th Apr 2002, 06:34
Just as mom walks through the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says "Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..."

The mother interrupts him. "Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says "I'm leaving you."

The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??" Mother turns to Johnny and says " tell daddy exactly what you told me today!"

"I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each others clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and uncle Joe did last summer."

Rollingthunder
13th Apr 2002, 16:04
An old one,

A horse walks into a bar,
The tarbender says, "Why the long face?"

------------------------------------------------------------------
And now one from the Buckinghams... Kind of a drag.

RadarContact
13th Apr 2002, 16:17
Three late nuns arrive at heavens door and are welcomed by St. Peter.

"To be allowed into Heaven, each one of you has to answer a question", St. Peter says, turning towards the first nun.
"Who was the first man on earth?"
"Why, that's an easy one", replies the first nun, "that was Adam."
Birds are singing, bells are ringing and she is granted entry to Heaven.
"Who was the first woman on earth?", St. Peter then asks the second nun.
"That's an easy one", the second nun answers, "that would have been Eve."
Birds are singing, bells are ringing and she is allowed to proceed.
"Now for you", St. Peter says to the last nun, "what were Eve's first words to Adam?"
The nun, who has no idea tries to gain time...
"Oh, my! That's a hard one..."
Birds are singing, bells are ringing ......

ImNot
13th Apr 2002, 19:00
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

THE PIPELINE
13th Apr 2002, 21:57
A man walks into a bar

He was taken to hospital with concussion


How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back

How do you get 4 rhinos in a mini?
Take the elephants out first

Whats the difference between an Elephant and a Post Box?
Im not sending you to post my mail!!

Whats yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard!

Sliding member
14th Apr 2002, 00:03
What runs round your garden but doesn't move???

A Fence.

Capt Wannabe
14th Apr 2002, 01:02
A bloke kept stealing gate-posts from peoples gardens. Nobody said anything in case he took a fence :)

OK - I won't bother getting me coat, I'll just leave

Sliding member
14th Apr 2002, 01:11
A milkman knocks on a woman's door.

She comes out and asks if she can have 100 pints of milk.

"100 pints of milk?" he says, "What are you gonna do with all that?"

"Well," she says, "In the days of Cleopatra she used to bathe in milk to keep her skin young so I'm gonna try it."

"Will pasteurised do?" he says.

"No," she says, "Up to my tits is fine."

:D :D

solotk
14th Apr 2002, 01:32
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
....To stamp out forest fires....

Why do Elephants have big ears?
...Because Noddy won't pay the ransom


Why do Baby elephants have flat feet?

>>>>>> To stamp out burning ducks

Tony:D

solotk
14th Apr 2002, 01:36
How do you get 4 elephants in a yellow mini?

...2 in the front, 2 in the back

How can you tell if you've had an elephant in your fridge?
.....footprints in the butter

What's blue and white, and if it fell out of a tree, could kill you?
.....A fridge in a denim jacket

How do u know when you've passed an elephant?
.... you can't get the seat down

..How can u tell you've had 4 elephants in your fridge?

......There's a yellow mini in your drive

Tony

:D

planejane
14th Apr 2002, 01:47
How do you know if your elephant has been screwing around?

Your garbage bags are missing!

:eek:




What's the definition of a drawing pin?

An excited smartie!


;)

Bally Heck
14th Apr 2002, 22:12
Just heard that Whoopee Goldberg is to marry the actor Peter Cushing.



She will now be known as...




































































Whoopee Cushing

:(

Shore Guy
19th Apr 2002, 15:11
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant
from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course yes. Where do you think
attorneys come from!"

whiz
19th Apr 2002, 16:35
Two Irish fellers in Canada watching 2 Canadians fishing from a bridge. One Canadian is hanging over the parapet of the bridge whilst the other is holding his ankles, he is pulling huge salmon from the water at an extraordinary rate.
The two Irish fellers look at each other with a knowing grin and set off upstream to find another bridge.

'Jeez Paddy we'll mek our fortune sellin these fish to be sure' says Mick

'Aye yer right there Mick' replies his mate.

Soon they find another bridge .. Mick goes over and Paddy grabs his ankles.
Five minutes goes by, nothing doing so Paddy calls down

'anything yet Mick?'

'Not a thing Paddy' he replies

A further 10 mins goes by and Paddy calls down again

'Mick do you see anything yet ?'

'Not a bloody thing mate' he calls again

Suddenly Mick calls up

'Paddy pull me up quick !!'

Paddy starts to pull him up and calls

'have you caught something ?'

'No theres a f*ckin train coming' calls the startled Mick

Well I know its old but it still works for me.

steve baldwin
20th Apr 2002, 12:13
Two fish in a tank....one says to the other"how do you drive this thing"?...

Jolly Hockeysticks
20th Apr 2002, 12:22
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "it's hundreds of them!"

BahrainLad
20th Apr 2002, 14:28
Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes?



Why do women fake orgasms?

They think we care.



Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

somewhatconcerned
24th Apr 2002, 03:53
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

pigboat
24th Apr 2002, 04:25
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function.

Say "Damn, this water's cold."

Drop a marble on the floor and say, "Oh s**t, my glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm..I've never seen that colour before."

Grunt and strain loudly for about a minute, then drop a canteloupe in the bowl from shoulder height. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Hmmm, humus, reminds me of humus..."

Fill a large bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours all the while yelling "Whoa! Easy big boy!"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

And my favourite, drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." :cool:

Travelling Toolbox
24th Apr 2002, 05:32
What do you do if you come across a four hundred pound gorilla in the jungle??



Wipe it off and say your sorry!! :D :D :D

scran
24th Apr 2002, 05:37
Funny Names

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G. he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March 3rd, she’d be Tuesday March 3rd.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

:D :D :p

Four Seven Eleven
24th Apr 2002, 07:53
And if Claudia Schiffer married Brains from the Thunderbirds, she would be.........

Claudia Schiffer-Brains!

Shore Guy
24th Apr 2002, 08:44
Dinner Conversations

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: ****.

Throtlemonkey
24th Apr 2002, 09:25
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fu<k!"

shack
24th Apr 2002, 10:44
The First Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there
was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.
"Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


The Second Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the
longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't
send you a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to be saved for you" And with that the coroner used his
tools to remove the dead man's penis.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Third Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand
in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him
and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered
the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I
got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that
night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning
the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fourth Affair:
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I
have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a
fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that
comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns
this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."



Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles
per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the
damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! Damn woman
drivers

Mishandled
24th Apr 2002, 12:57
an addition

If Olivia Newton-John married Elton John , then divorced him to marry Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Laurence Olivier, she’d be Olivia Newton-John-John-Newton-Olivier!

Nopax,thanx
24th Apr 2002, 13:13
A pub near Heathrow in the 1960's......a snake in Airline Captain's uniform slithers in to the bar and orders a gin and tonic; the barman, although a little bemused, duly makes up the drink and passes it over (presumably with a straw, as being a snake, he had no arms.........no, I'm digressing here)

To make conversation, he says;

"Don't get many snakes in here"

"No" replies our reptilian aviator, "it's my first time in here, just working at the airport and thought I'd give this place a try"

"So what do you do then?" asks the barman, with a nod towards the cap and four bars.

"Well actually" says the snake, "I teach people to fly airliners"

"You don't mean................"























"Yes, I'm a BOAC Instructor!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

:D :D :D :D :D :D

Kalium Chloride
24th Apr 2002, 20:43
bwaahahahahahahaha :D :D :D

WeeWillyWinky
24th Apr 2002, 22:47
Why does the actor Edward Woodward have four 'd's in his name?

Well if he didn't he would be called Ewar Woowar.

pigboat
25th Apr 2002, 02:10
I don't know the singer Don Ho, but I know his wife Heidi and his brother Land.

Jesus Christ was a cross dresser.

shack
26th Apr 2002, 10:09
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills so he's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

beer bong
26th Apr 2002, 12:30
What goes stiff after three strokes?






Princess Margaret!

WeatherJinx
26th Apr 2002, 13:06
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?


WxJx :D

Whiskey Zulu
26th Apr 2002, 15:27
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out
the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over
to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything
together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face
neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely
refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >[This is great]
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >"THE TEETH".

Standard Noise
26th Apr 2002, 21:20
Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into the office one day and says " David, I'm a bit worried about your performance over the past few games, you've been hopeless."

"Sorry boss", came the reply,"I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home."

"Oh dear, what is it son, are Victoria and Brooklyn okay?" asked Fergie.

"Oh they're fine", says Becks,"it's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on football and it's really doing my head in."

"Whatever's the matter, son?" asks Fergie.

"Well boss," says Becks,"it's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other week and it's really hard, it's doing my head in. It's this picture of a tiger and it looks dead easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything, but I just can't seem to do it and it's really doing my head in and, and....."

"DAVID!DAVID!" shouts Fergie, "You need to get a grip son, and quick!!! Look, bring in the jigsaw and I'll have a look at it for you, it's only a jigsaw for god's sake, how difficult can it be?"

"Oh thanks boss," says Becks.

So the next day, Becks goes to Fergie's office. "Here it is boss," he says, showing Fergie the picture on the box. "Look boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really, really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture of this here tiger....." Becks explains as he empties all the pieces onto Ferguson's desk.

Fergie looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says, "David, for f**ks sake, put the Frosties back in the f**king box!"



(runs for cover as the England fans sharpen their knives )

Standard Noise
26th Apr 2002, 21:24
Or what about a quick one......

Man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor you've got to help me, I just can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

Doctor says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

"Is it common?" asks the man.

Doctor replies, " It's not unusual!"

Standard Noise
26th Apr 2002, 21:25
Or a sick one.....

Why did the referee stop the lepers hockey game?

There was a face off in the corner.......

BOOM! BOOM!

Capt. Horatio Slappy !!
28th Apr 2002, 01:58
grrr

innuendo
28th Apr 2002, 07:51
The lady is in the plastic surgeons office hearing about the latest advances in face lifts.
"What we have now " says the doc, "is a system that ties everything together and is tensioned by this screw that is hidden under your hair at the back of your head" "Simply adjust to keep thewrinkles away"
Six months later she is in for a check up.
"Doctor" she complains, "everything seems allright except for these bags under my eyes"
"Bags?" sez he, "those are your boobs, you've overdone it"
"Oh, then that explains the goatee"

Jet Dragon
1st May 2002, 04:43
What do you call a gay dinosaur ?

Megasoreass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

Lickalotapuss

What do you call a leper in the bath?

Stew

sorry............:D

JD

somewhatconcerned
1st May 2002, 09:05
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
After 3 months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

briteandbreezy
1st May 2002, 10:54
>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<



A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" :p



>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<

radeng
1st May 2002, 14:58
Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together. She then says to them, "I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

One of the Nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of
Zinfandel!"

I. M. Esperto
1st May 2002, 15:20
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor.

He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."