View Full Version : Open Season On Lawyers

1st Apr 2002, 16:54
Let's face it, no-one likes 'em and they are currently rating lower than the slime-mould as far as popularity is concerned.

So, should we have an open season on lawyers? What dates? What locations? Bag-limit? Calibres allowed? Bounties on the scalps/wigs?

Appreciate your input! Especially from any lawyers out there...and please stand still whilst I adjust my sights.

(This Pprune research Pproject is Ppart of the OzBash 2002 Festivities and will be of great use for further social engineering Pprojects in years to come.)

1st Apr 2002, 17:02
And are we gunna get extra points for whole families of lawyers?:eek:

1st Apr 2002, 17:30
guys i got an uncle doing his articles and ready to be shot about july
will post further details

1st Apr 2002, 17:34
I'll have you know that slime mould is fascinating, and well-loved by many biologists!

1st Apr 2002, 17:39
99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.

1st Apr 2002, 18:37
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* F A C T *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

WINTER-TIME...... is the only time you will ever see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!!! ;)

1st Apr 2002, 18:42
<<<creeps back in>>>

Errrrrrmmmm..... I forgot to mention that I studied Law for a while!!! :eek:

Lima Tambo
1st Apr 2002, 20:24
What do you call 8 lawyers in front of a firing squad?

A good start.
:D :D

1st Apr 2002, 20:36
I'm making sure here: Of course flying Lawyer is part of that other 1%, right somewhatconcerned ?

1st Apr 2002, 21:14
DAVAAR!!! :)

1st Apr 2002, 21:23
This one made me laugh

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

1st Apr 2002, 21:36
some more

Hunting Season


1400.01 GENERAL

Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.

Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "open bar" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Cadillac dealerships.

It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, currency, or staged vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

Harvested attorneys must have a state health department inspection for distemper and rabies prior to being stuffed or mounted.

It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as an accident victim, young law clerk, drug dealer, bookie, or sheep for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys.

from http://www.expertlaw.com/humor

tony draper
1st Apr 2002, 22:17
Damm, been googling furiously trying to find a hilarious aside on lawyers by that gentle master of humour, Jerome k Jerome.
Will continue the search, for it is a classic.
Can't recall whether it was Three men in a Boat or Three Men on a Bummel.
It involved a man comin up to you in the street and demanding your watch.
For those callow youths, who have never had the pleasure, of reading the above,seek out Jerome K Jerome, and read him at once. ;)

1st Apr 2002, 22:20
Fair enough, so when and where if you think you're hard enough.:p

DX Wombat
1st Apr 2002, 23:07
Errr.....I think you will find it has a lot to do with EtOH consumption at the practice session for the Oz Bash. So all you lawyers need to do is keep them well supplied with the stuff and they won't stand a chance of hitting any of you. :D :D :D Have a good time out there.

2nd Apr 2002, 04:37

An excellent and most helpful list re the taking of attorneys, and of considerable value to those of us labouring under this heavy responsibility of drafting regulations for the reduction of this hazardous and noxious life-form.

The OzBash organising committee and friends (Oops Ops) gratefully acknowledges your contribution and will drink innumerable toasts of ethanol-based liquid foodstuffs to you during the forthcoming festivities. You can take justifiable pride in the part you have played in the construction of some of the most memorable hangovers in the history of western civilisation.

Further suggestions for the taking of lawyers always welcome...especially for handling the serendipitous instances where multiple lawyers occur within any family group. The last thing this planet needs right now is lawyers begetting more lawyers!

Perhaps an organised lawyer drive, where lawyers bred especially for the hunt are flushed from forested areas by teams of beaters and shot by hunters from hides or shooting-stands? This would be fine sport should fox-hunting and grouse-shooting be removed from the list of politically-correct sports but it also requires at least 18 years of lead-time in order to breed, raise, educate and train sufficient lawyers for the first annual lawyer drive. We must plan ahead on this, carefully.

"First, let's kill all the lawyers" - William Shakespeare

3rd Apr 2002, 05:56
Mr tony draper,

Did you Google this site (http://www.accd.edu/sac/english/bailey/jerome.htm)?

3rd Apr 2002, 07:25
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant
from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course yes. Where do you think
attorneys come from!"

3rd Apr 2002, 12:00
Hmmm let me see...

From the Foyl archive:

Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between sperm and a lawyer?
A sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming human.

etc etc etc... :D

Grim Reaper 14
3rd Apr 2002, 12:11
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope

How do you know when a lawyer's been in your house?
Your dustbins are empty and your dog's pregnant

But I have no strong thoughts on the matter...:D

3rd Apr 2002, 13:51
What have you got if you have ten lawyers* up to their necks in ****?

Not quite enough ****.

* substitute profession of choice.

3rd Apr 2002, 14:20
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first,' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?' Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.' 'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?' Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.' 'Thank you, Amie,' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?' Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.' The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven- year-old?'

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.

4th Apr 2002, 00:01
Why do lawyers always make love with their partners on top?
Because all they can do is f*ck up

Man receives bill from his lawyer:

"To spotting you on the street and crossing over to talk to you : 15 Guineas. To recrossing the street and continuing on my way after I discovered it wasn't you after all - a further 10 Guineas" (It's a very old joke)

How many lawyers does it take to paper a room?
Only one if you slice him thinly enough.

Oh dear I wish I hadn't started.....

4th Apr 2002, 01:28
Wouldn't it have been funnier if the judge had said, "I'm going to throw your ass in prison for one year..." and the guy reached down in front and unscrewed his belly button...No?:)

I'd rather
4th Apr 2002, 08:59
I'll say what I always say when one of these threads appears:

"Estate agents"

Ha! lawyers don't seem so bad now, do they?

4th Apr 2002, 10:00
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Look for the moving lips.

4th Apr 2002, 14:10
Whats the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road?

There are skid marks before the skunk.

4th Apr 2002, 14:26
Mr. Draper wrote:

Can't recall whether it was Three men in a Boat or Three Men on a Bummel.

Is this the story you mentioned?


AAA out.

4th Apr 2002, 14:37
Sorry Checkboard!

I didn`catch you earlier posting.

5th Apr 2002, 02:21
Why don't you amateurs get down to real cases? Like:

The Queen's Bench judge in Alberta who had just sentenced a miscreant to two years less a day. With that His Lordship rose to move off to his chambers, pursued by the words of said miscreant:

"You're just a f*cking Sonofab*tch!"

Without pausing in his stride, the Judge responded:

"That was just a lucky guess".


the lady who was seeking a divorce, and Meant to Make Him Suffer. She therefore canvassed her friends for the city's meanest lawyer. Given the name, she made an appointment and arrived on time. No sign of the lawyer. She waited. And waited. And Waited.

Eventually he arrived, bustled past her, ignoring her, into the inner office. Sounds of coat being hung up, papers moved around. Then silence.

At last a voice through the door: "What the Hell does the fat broad want?"

She was content. She had come to the right place.


To the Shakespeare lovers who so often cite "...let's kill all the lawyers": Have you ever actually read King Henry VI, Part I, ii. iv. 30? Or any part of the play? For your next assignment you can report back on who said those deathless words, and how closely you identify with the speaker. Or not.

5th Apr 2002, 03:44
I knew it'd be worth waiting for!:D

5th Apr 2002, 10:05
Close, Davaar. It's actually Part 2.

Dick the Butcher says the line, and it's intended to be one of the ways to further Cade's attempt at an uprising.

The tradesmen are, as so often in Shakespeare, intended to be comical, idiotic figures, base of character and mean of understanding.

Some would claim that Shakespeare intended us to laugh at them, but since this is not one of the Bard's comedies, I suspect we are intended to be filled with horror at what the common people are capable of doing when not tempered with the restraining influences of nobility.

As a sideline, it is also thought by some to be a dig by Shakespeare at his contemporary, Christopher Marlowe who had trained as a lawyer early in his life.

Mike Southern
5th Apr 2002, 12:12
I heard that the animal rights guys are recommending the use of lawyers in place of white rats because;

a) There are more Lawyers than rats
b) There are some things a white rat just won't do, but...
c) Some people are quite fond of white rats

5th Apr 2002, 13:29
During the Clinton administration, it was said that there were more lawyers than people in Washington...

5th Apr 2002, 20:15
Of course, lawyers labour under one of two curses: No 1, they have no clients; No 2, they have clients.

Yorkton, SK

Lawyer: Your recollection of events is very clear.
Lawyer: But at the examination for discovery it was very poor.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: But it is now much longer since the incident than it was then. How can you memory be better now than then?
Witness: Well, I have the photographs.
Lawyer: Photographs? Were these produced at discovery?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: But did you not know all relevant documents had to be produced at discovery?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So why did you not produce the photographs at discovery?
Witness: Oh sure! And let the cat out of the bag!

Saskatoon, SK

Rape trial. Alleged victim testifies.

Lawyer: Did you speak to my client during this alleged rape?
A. Victim: Yes.
Lawyer: And what did you say?
A. Victim: I said, I love you! I love you! I love you!
[Davaar: OK, X...,let it go at that]
Lawyer: And why did you say that?
A. Victim: He said if I didn't, he'd cut my f*cking throat.

5th Apr 2002, 20:31
As ever, true.

"Through tatter'd clothes small vices do appear;
Robes and furr'd gowns hide all.
Plate sin with gold, and the strong lance of justice hurtless breaks; arm it in rags, a pygmy's straw does pierce it."