View Full Version : HR Depts

6th Jun 2012, 06:43
HR Depts, Generally seem to be the useless 3rd of society. Do they read emails, or do they think before sending them or Lets look at facebook instead and do very little.
I remember when they didnt excist and the world was a better place.:} to the useless ones do us a favour and make like a leming

6th Jun 2012, 07:08
They used to be called the Personnel Department. A generally helpful bunch who generally helped the other employees concentrate on their tasks.

Now reinvented as an employee police force, renamed HR and do little except subvert productive practices, get employees to spy and snitch on each other, insist on hopelessly meaningless objectives, poke their noses in peoples private lives and generally treat adults like children under the guise of a sneering professionally enigmatic smirk whilst feigning understanding.

Doing all this and claiming they are "Investors in People."

G&T ice n slice
6th Jun 2012, 07:15

They're not as bad as that!

They're usualy worse...

6th Jun 2012, 07:18
Local Cooperative undertakers proudly display their "Investors in People" plaque by their front door.

6th Jun 2012, 07:27
Always known as 'human remains' to most of us...

im from uranus
6th Jun 2012, 07:52
Local Cooperative undertakers proudly display their "Investors in People" plaque by their front door.I was on the 'books' of the worlds biggest L1011 fleet operator when the boss decided that we'd go for I.i.P. What a complete and utter waste of time and money that was, but hey, it got the boss promoted.... How can you be recognised as an investor in people when you're not a company, your customers are your fellow comrades and a higher god than said boss decides where personnel are based? The wonderful world of 216 SQN, RAF. :mad:

6th Jun 2012, 08:11
Along with 'management consultants' they are right up in the higher echelons of the oxygen thieving, space wasting parasitic useless vermin who hamper the efficiency and profitability of business these days.

6th Jun 2012, 08:14
I have to agree with the previous posts and would like to add IT Departments whose sole aim in life is to disrupt and slow down your work as much as possible. :*

B Fraser
6th Jun 2012, 08:16
DIrty Harry Transferred to Personnel - YouTube

Tell them how it is Harry :ok:

6th Jun 2012, 08:53
Not sure the MOD (RAF?) are still accredited with Investors in People? I'm sure it quietly went away a year or two ago, unless things have changed again..?

Windy Militant
6th Jun 2012, 09:26
Investors in Paperwork as it's called here.
Before we had IiP you could start as a cleaner or in the post room and work your way up. Now thats impossible as it's no longer possible to get proper training or go on day release/night school anymore.
All the training are courses now no longer pass or fail but "successfully attended" unless there are legal implications like PAT testing or Coshh.
There are a plethora of managment courses for teaching the arcane language of Winkword*.
We're bombarded with surveys and online training for Diversity awareness, equality and other such corporate arsecovering nonsense.
Hardly leaves any time for Ppruning! :}


Milo Minderbinder
6th Jun 2012, 09:35
Investors in People is a scam designed to make workers feel grateful for being paid the minimum wage
Its a government sponsored con to brainwash workers into accepting low wages

im from uranus
6th Jun 2012, 10:09
Not sure the MOD (RAF?) are still accredited with Investors in People? I'm sure it quietly went away a year or two ago, unless things have changed again..?

I have no idea, this was about 15 :eek: years ago. Ex Wg Cdr is probably now well chuffed with his AVM or whatever pension. :mad:

6th Jun 2012, 10:15
A guy I know when he was very high up in the field caused some upset at a new company when he told them that in future, they were to be known as the 'Personnel Department'.

My last employer had one that wasn't bad: she had to go to ladies loo and cry after making some people redundant. Unfortunately, her breast cancer took a bad turn and she died a few months later.

One in California is not suited to be anything to do with HR. Divorced, good looking, helpful, friendly......Told to organise a 'team building exercise' with a customer, she organised a 'bus to take everyone to a brewery for a tour, followed by dinner in the restaurant attached to the brewery. And she doesn't drink!

air pig
6th Jun 2012, 10:35
Only one cure for these generally useless oxygen thieves are in the thoughts of Jeremy Clarkson ' take them outside and shoot them in front of their families'. Think of the cost savings and the improvement in productivity.

6th Jun 2012, 11:23
I know a delightful lady who works in HR, and spends the rest of her time organising in the local Red Cross - and very good she is too.
We now have the exception that proves the Rule.

It is no more the HR employees' fault than it was the Secret Policemens' fault. We need to be looking at the Board. Forget HR and embarrass the Board. My experience, on both sides of the Pond, is that the VP Admin is the one directing the flagrant breaches of contracts, law and morality; and the subsequent cover-ups.

Ancient Observer
6th Jun 2012, 11:50
A friend of mine is in "Executive Search" mainly for senior beancounters. By and large, he gets his work from the CEO and/or the FD. He has no trouble with them.
Eventually, he has to deal with HR in the hiring company.

Words cannot express his feelings about 99% of them.

6th Jun 2012, 11:57
Q: Why are rats used instead of HR types in medical experiments?

A: It's easier to extrapolate the results to human beings.

6th Jun 2012, 12:36
Local Cooperative undertakers proudly display their "Interrers of People" plaque

Fixed it for ya.

6th Jun 2012, 12:42
Real Meaning of Job Descriptions

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

We have no time to train you.

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

We have no quality control.

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

6th Jun 2012, 13:14
I've always held a particularly hard and dark spot in my heart for HR, but this recent round of, to date, unsuccessful job hunting, has put a more evil and malignant colour on it.

By and large they are arrogant, incompetent, unable to judge character, capability, or the need of a job, and they ask silly questions that no hiring manager has ever asked (such as sifting for irrelevant qualifications or certificates). And this is not just sour grapes due to my current situation, this has happened when I was hiring, and in all the jobs I've had. This has been a long-held hatred that has lasted over 20 years.

Read the CIPD website sometime. Every month it is a testament to the fact that even CIPD knows they are irrelevant and serve no useful purpose, as they try to convince themselves how much the CEO needs them, how important it is that they sit at the directors' table, and how strategic they are to the success of a company. All of which, by the way, is complete bollocks, and even they know it.

Every HR department, regardless of the size of the company, should be one bloke and a dog. The bloke is there to make sure everyone gets paid correctly and on time, to keep the boss out of jail for flagrant violations of HR law, and to feed the dog. The dog is there to eat the bloke if he ever utters words like "leadership", "training", "development", or "engagement".

It is my firm belief, and if I have anything to do with it, it will become fact, that HR will be the first ones against the wall when the revolution comes.

6th Jun 2012, 13:55
It isn't HR any more at our gaff.

It's 'Talent Management'. :eek:

Coming to your place soon folks.

I kid you not.

6th Jun 2012, 14:25
'Talent Management' :uhoh:

The last thing most large companies want is talent.

1. It exposes how bad their managers, and HR, are
2. They have to pay them more.
3. They know how things should be done, and that isn't the way the company is usually doing things.
4. Talent doesn't need that much HR management, so if everybody was talented half of HR would be out of a job.
5. Talent ought to be more likely to be promoted rapidly, but no manager is going to hire someone who puts his own job at risk.

Talented & moral individuals are their worst nightmare, as they will discover and point out all the waste and scams.

It's worth pointing out that large Unions hate talent too, for much the same reasons.

6th Jun 2012, 14:37
Yes, utter crap obviously.

I rather think it comes from our U.S. boss who likes to think that everyone under his employ is talented and that we will also be so impressed with our new role as 'talent' that we won't do anything tiresome like ask for more money.

We do point out waste/mismanagement/major cock-ups and the like but at least management is consistent in totally ignoring us!

6th Jun 2012, 14:45
I use a modified "Dilbert Principle'

If more than 3 Dilbert cartoons expose bad practice that is actually happening at my workplace, I start applying for other jobs.
If my immediate Boss is doing exactly what is happening in the Dilbert cartoon that day, I give notice.

Never fails, in that that particular boss has been sacked or the company has gone bust within 2 years.

6th Jun 2012, 15:15
Our "HR" department (Personnel were enablers, this lot are enforcers) recently instructed our IT lot which categories of website were to be blocked as non-work-related. (WTF do they think it's up to them to decide?)

Now I can understand blocking porn or social networking sites, but I found the Library of Congress catalogue was blocked (I work in a law library), as are a number of blog sites used to discuss law library issues. The IT folk are quick to unblock sites I need, but why the blanket bans? It's like someone in HR has decided to earn brownie points by buying in a list of sites generated by someone else's SpamBayes.


6th Jun 2012, 15:34
HR? Brought in by American corporates to give you that fuzzy warm feeling which soon dissipates when they want to bin you; the HR dept. is just there to prevent the corporate from being sued.

Every HR bod I have come across has a disability of some nature and a great ability to be professionally offended on the behalf of others.

Waste of space - bring back the personnel department say I!

6th Jun 2012, 15:50
Try working in an outfit (22 people) which has no HR. It can be gruesome.

6th Jun 2012, 16:55
In the course of my work, it was often necessary - sometimes several times a day -to go to the European Radiocommunications Office website, ECO (http://www.ero.dk). Now www.ero. almost anything else is a porn site..........So IT reported to HR that I was going to porn sites from a company computer in company time. Nobody thought to check before hauling me into HR.......there were some awfully red faces after I insisted that they looked at the site. I heard that someone in IT had a VERY hard time of it as a result....couldn't have happened to a better candidate!

6th Jun 2012, 17:00
My sister used to work for a major national corporation. Their IT department were numpties of note.

She received an external email from a friend with the title : "Pussy in the Bath."

The bollocking from IT was passed to her manager, who also happened to be a pussy ... I mean cat .. lover before the numpties even bothered to see that the content of the email was a photograph of .... her cat in the bath!

6th Jun 2012, 19:02
Ahh - the high and mighty "users" of IT - complaints about the "IT Department" can be somewhat annoying.

I, personally, am sick and tired of people treating IT people as :mad:. I've had a 4:00am start with a 10:00pm finish to find a document that *you* have deleted - but you cannot remember when you deleted it or why. It is now *my* fault when it takes a fair amount of time to find it due to your mistake and vague information. You have the audacity to complain -all the while I am expected to maintain a professional level of communication? Doing this while everybody wants everything *now* without a word of thanks. Tell me why me teaching you how to use Excel formulas is more important than preventing your mail server from falling over this weekend? :ugh: Oh and don't forget the part where I work on your mail server - over the weekend- and this somehow breaks your link to yahoo mail and it is *my* fault.

If you want some help, little thanks goes a long way.

Off to my next soap box.:*

B Fraser
6th Jun 2012, 20:49
In a previous company, a colleague was collared by HR for submitting an expenses claim that included a large sum for "Pink Elephant". He was told in no uncertain terms that claiming for a lap dancing bar was a breach of every rule in the book and that he was now subject to a formal warning. He said nothing and let events run their course. A few days later HR announced that their investigation had uncovered that it was a car park at Heathrow.

6th Jun 2012, 23:18
Perhaps a better title for this thread would be.....
'HR Depths'. :E

7th Jun 2012, 11:30
B. Fraser,

Did they apologise?

One of my colleagues was in sales and had a company car. He got a speeding ticket: the police asked who the car belonged to and HR told them it was me - we had the same christian names. I didn't have a company car.....

At least HR formally apologised to me. Must have been about the first time ever.

7th Jun 2012, 11:49
As a young man I was called up for a chat with our HR Head of Department (only it was called "personnel" then).

I poured my heart out about my ambitions, both for me and the international organisation we worked for.

He looked out of the window for a while and then asked "how old are you ?"

I told him.

He just said "You'll learn".

How b---- cynical can you get; this fool was supposed to motivate people who came to him. I'd consign people like him to the lowest-but-one bolga of Hell.

7th Jun 2012, 11:58
I'm with you Pitts2112, I'm in the Boston area and was laid off at the end of December 2011. The people I deal with in "Talent Acquisition" are useless. I am still looking, I just got a rejection email from one yesterday after a seemingly great telephone interview. I didn't have the chance to go in for a face to face with the team....


7th Jun 2012, 12:24
Slight thread drift here, but I recall a certain bar in the 'Four Floors' (in Singapore) called something like the 'Pussy-a-GoGo'.

It was popular with visiting businessmen because the Madam would dole out blandly itemised receipts headed 'The English Tea Rooms' or something innocuous like that.

She said it ensured the expense account custom!

Ancient Observer
7th Jun 2012, 12:48
There's always something good to be said........about HR. (But not about lawyers).

Some years ago, the place where I worked got a new HR boss. After some time, the Training Manager was given creative external redeployment.

A new Training Manager was hired. We were told it was all about providing service rather than just putting on courses. New person, (a lady) duly went around to find out what we truly needed. (A first). She came up with some very good ideas, and clearly wanted to help the business. She did not seek to interfere with existing Technical training. (Good).

However, I'm sure that 50% of her achievements were down to the fact that she was the prettiest lady I ever saw......

B Fraser
7th Jun 2012, 13:51
Did they apologise?

I don't recall but I suspect not. When have HR ever apologised for anything ?

I was once turned down for a job and the given HR reason was I had not managed a team of 16 before. It begged the question why was I interviewed as this fact was written on my CV. I then got a job with a more successful company managing 190 engineers.

8th Jun 2012, 05:36
Personnel Department
.. before that it was the "Staff Section" ....

8th Jun 2012, 09:01
I once had the good fortune to work in a scientific/engineering organisation of 140 people, with a HR branch consisting of one person. He seemed to manage to hire & fire people, make sure everyone got paid the right amount on time, and in his spare time, bring in more flexible working hours system that suited everyone. Imagine what he could have done with a whole department working for him.:rolleyes:
Best place I ever worked.

8th Jun 2012, 11:05
"You can't work flexible hours, so you must be here at 8:15 am, as your contract says"

"OK, I am leaving at 4:45 as mu con tract says"

"You can't do that, we have a conference call with California at 5.00pm and you need to be there for it"


And flexible working was introduced....

8th Jun 2012, 11:37
In my previous company, there were 10 staff in HR. Out of a total of 100 HO staff... The regional office in Dubai had one as did my office in Singers. 12 HR staff for a total workforce of less than 200. Did I hear someone say "empire building"?

8th Jun 2012, 11:45
They do seem to get a bit hacked off when they answer the phone and I say " hello, is that wages?"

8th Jun 2012, 15:49
Rush has a good point.....in my previous life, our directorate had a personnel office with a H/Personnel and six or eight staff...but they were unable to make any decison locally and "had to telephone HQ in Paris for a decision" on every matter...which begs the question, what were they there for ?

8th Jun 2012, 16:28
I once worked for a then major company where the HR department letterhead included the slogan "The heart of the company". This produced a wave of alternative suggestions as to which body parts best described other departments, including of course said HR .

Ancient Observer
8th Jun 2012, 18:00
The worst ones in the UK are those in the public sector. At one stage the Home Office had 1 HR bod for every 20 staff members.

Cisco survive on 1 HR bod for every 200 staff.

8th Jun 2012, 18:21
beaufort1 wrote:

I have to agree with the previous posts and would like to add IT Departments whose sole aim in life is to disrupt and slow down your work as much as possible.

Well, we can always go back to using an abacus if you want. Or a pocket calculator.

8th Jun 2012, 18:28
It's worth reading the (still available) 60s classic "Up the Organisation" by Robert Townsend - the man who built Avis up from virtually nothing to be the major competitor to Hertz.

I seem to recall he refused to have a HR department as he deemed it his managers' job to hire and fire - although he would allow a secretary to handle the applications paperwork.

However, he did believe it necessary to create one extra management position - Vice President i/c Bureaucratisation. This man's brief was to prowl the corridors of power and every time he came upon a new office being opened or a new form being designed, he was to stand out in the corridor hollering "Horses**t!" till someone came along and stopped it.

What a pity no-one in the Civil Service ever read it.

8th Jun 2012, 18:45
The useless oxygen thieves that ran the HR department of the company I worked for excelled themeselves.

I'd been working for them (in Europe) for about 3 months when one of the people came down with a c.v in her hand and said : "Oh look, isn't this odd, we've had an application from somebody with the same name as you and he's also from Cape Town." It was the one I'd sent in about 6 months earlier.

Then, one of my colleagues had been working there for a similar period and had a letter from HR saying : "Thank you for application but we regretfully advise you that we are unable to offer you a position."

8th Jun 2012, 18:57
Ah yes, the "useful idiots" of HR.

When I first applied for my current position here in the City of New York, I was asked by HR to supply, amongst many items, a copy of my University degree and my High School diploma.

Well, I rather easily found my University degree but couldn't find my HS diploma. (It's been over 35 years since my last day at High School and after moving many, many times over the years.......)

When I brought up to HR the point that my degree should trump the absence of my HS diploma (until such time as I was able to contact my old HS and ask for a copy of my transcripts) their reply was "Having a college or university degree means nothing. We need a copy of your HS diploma."

Eh? WTF?

(Of course the HR flunky on the other side of the phone had an IQ of a gnat but, what the hell!!!!)

8th Jun 2012, 19:54
Recently applied to Canadian Government for a Licence that required a Police check, from UK. Aggro loomed. Phoned in trepidation to say:
" But you had that for my Residency Application"
"Fine. Give your Resident ID number as your ID, and that will do"

Common Sense?! From Government??!! Maybe the revolution has started!

HR is now worse than Government, and I didn't think that was possible.

Ancient Observer
8th Jun 2012, 23:17
You were lucky. Basic police vetting in the UK is currently taking for ever. Even HR couldn't be so slow.
Positive vetting is 6 months or so.

sea oxen
8th Jun 2012, 23:41
It is no more the HR employees' fault than it was the Secret Policemens' fault. We need to be looking at the Board.

"I was only obeying orders"

Whenever I see something from HR, I think Hand Relief.

I'm usually right.

8th Jun 2012, 23:44
I'd heard; hence my trepidation.
Canada is hugely variable. My Canadian Police check with this agency took 3 weeks, but the same Police check, this time by the Mounties themselves for a volunteer position has already taken 5 months with no sign of anything, and an ex-RCAF SAR pilot colleague's has taken over a year and counting.

9th Jun 2012, 00:56
HR... = Wikipedia: Hopeless Retards

Loathsome creatures who design application forms that are guaranteed to elicit minimal relevant information while consuming a full half day of the applicants time and ensure HR department puts in close to zero effort. If your response doesn't fit their useless little boxes they ensure that you cannot proceed to the next page.
And then (don't you just love them ?) 6 paragraphs in the Ad explaining how you have to be able to talk/breath/move arms and legs... :*

Solid Rust Twotter
9th Jun 2012, 06:46
...And wouldn't be able to identify experience required for the job if it reared up and bit them in the face...

However, useless degrees in underwater yoghurt knitting are highly desirable (because that's what they generally have).

9th Jun 2012, 10:35
Dilbert.com - The Official Dilbert Website with Scott Adams' color strips, Dilbert animation, mashups and more! (http://www.dilbert.com/fast)

Today's Dilbert. Catbert is the Evil Head of HR. Say no more.

9th Jun 2012, 10:51
And atrocities.....many years ago, a colleague was diagnosed with severe heart disease, two attestations, one from the head of cardiac surgery studies at Heidelberg. Told if he didn't leave work he'd be dead in a year.

Instead of being pensioned off on medical grounds, he was forced to resign by H/Pers in Paris who dismissed the doctors' reports out-of-hand - and in view of the health warning my colleague did resign despite far less favourable terms. In fact he got nothing - but is still alive today.

So you see, among their many other talents, Personel/HR staff actually know more than doctors do about staff health.

9th Jun 2012, 11:09
In the company I worked for, HR managers usually consisted of failed sales managers and other deparmental managers who were deemed 'past it'. Though I must say some of the genuine HR people were quite concientious and efficient when dealing with staff

9th Jun 2012, 12:30
Our own HR dept is a true classic... I'm still getting e-mails from them telling me that a vacancy has arisen for which I'm qualified... always helicopter pilots... I'm not....
Telling me how to get in touch... I've been employed by them for almost 2 years and they don't know it.

B Fraser
9th Jun 2012, 14:05
Tell them that 50% of the staff are below the average level of ability, sit back and watch the fun.

Telling them that 40% of sick leave is either taken on Friday or a Monday is another jolly wheeze.

9th Jun 2012, 14:29
I remember the Leader of a Council stating that it was impossible that 20% of the experts thought a disaster would happen, as there were only 10 experts.

(It happened)

9th Jun 2012, 14:44
Hmmm, we have been clobbering them a bit haven't we.

I have to state that since the age of 50, bits of me have started going wrong big time! I've had stacks of medical leave!

Our HR (I still hate 'talent management' as much as I did HR when it came in) have been fully supportive throughout. Where the NHS has slowed things down, they've gone into bat for me, where private medicine has let me down, likewise.

The only problem is their success rate has been zero!

But I do appreciate the fact they have genuinely been backing me and have not expressed any displeasure at my sick leave whatsoever.