View Full Version : A lovely meal, brandy and cigars on the terrace, but the guests are still there....

14th May 2012, 16:05
Saturday night after a splendid meal we sat out on the terrace watching the stars and 738's fly by, and chatting. Every now and then the conservation, whoops, the conversation would flag, and we'd think the guests would be on their way, but no, the chat would pick up again.

Midnight loomed.

Finally Mrs OFSO said "I must be making up your doggie bags" (which she did - guests here never leave empty-handed) and they took the hint.

But at Sunday lunch with other friends we discussed the best "come on, it's time to go" phrase. Peter came up with "I must just leave you for a moment, my colostomy bag is leaking and probably needs changing" which seemed pretty good.

Anyone any other sure-fire phrases for indicating to guests they should leave ?

14th May 2012, 16:17
Yes, to the tune of 'The sun has got his hat on' change the lyrics to the 'moon has got his pyjamas on' etc....:}

14th May 2012, 16:19
I doubt that anyone will come up with a better one than that one Ofso.

14th May 2012, 16:21
I've always found "bugger off, I'm going to bed" is quite effective.

14th May 2012, 16:27
I use music; here's a suggestion

Vera Lynn - Auf Wiederseh'n Sweetheart (original 78 rpm) - YouTube

Then, if they still don't get it, just start tidying up - only one of you need do this.

Or, with good friends who are being a little slow on the uptake, just start kissing your other half with a bit more passion than would normally be acceptable in public. This works every time in my experience, as they want to leave you to "get on with it".

Ancient Observer
14th May 2012, 16:28
A friend's wife would walk in carrying a wind-up clock, clearly winding it up, and asking for the correct time as she said that she was setting the alarm for the morning. Not subtle, but never failed.

14th May 2012, 16:36
Tell them the booze is finished, cue mass exodus :}

14th May 2012, 16:54
What's wrong with a spot of honesty? :confused:

"Well, cheers guys, it's been great catching up - but I'm exhausted and really need to go to bed."

14th May 2012, 16:57
Loud and uncontrolled farting seems to work wonders. Intermixed with burping of course. But that is a bit, shall we say, extreme.

What isn't so extreme is to suddenly stand up and shout
"Get the f**k out. I'm tired."

Loose rivets
14th May 2012, 17:00
Your fault really, sounds too nice to leave.

14th May 2012, 17:00
Yes, to the tune of 'The sun has got his hat on'

That could get you into a whole world of trouble these PC days!

The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip-hooray
The sun has got his hat on and hes coming out today
Now well all be happy, hip-hip-hip-hooray
The sun has got his hat on and hes coming out today
Hes been tanning niggers out in Timbuktu
Now hes coming back to do the same to you
So jump into your sunbath, hip-hip-hip-hooray
The sun has got his hat on and hes coming out today
All the little birds are singing
All the little gnats are stinging
All the little bees in twos and threes
Buzzing in the sun all day

14th May 2012, 17:03
Not only could that tune get you in trouble these PC days but, in certain places, it could get you one big wuppin'. Or worse.

I certainly shall not go walking around, say Harlem NYC, singing that song aloud.

14th May 2012, 17:28
A large number of people are incapable of picking up even the most obvious hints.I don't bother anymore,I just start clearing the glasses,emptying the ashtray,putting out the bins (even if it's not bin night) and switching off the lights while saying that its been good to see them but I'm knackered and am going to bed.

Don't get me started on social ineptitude where you offer a work colleague,who is in town over Christmas,Christmas lunch.And they turn up 2 hours after the agreed time without even a bottle of plonk while you've been slaving in the kitchen preparing the full monty.Never again.

14th May 2012, 17:31
I put the dog out for a pee, make a big noise about getting my hot chocolate nightcap, put on a scruffy old rugby shirt that does service as pyjamas when I need such an item, and if none of that works, I go to bed and tell them I want my tea and toast at 9 o'clock!

14th May 2012, 17:36
Way back then, I was tending the college bar, with one remaining guest. So I sang to her:
It's a quarter to three,
There's no-one in the place but you and me,
She is now a college principal, and I'm out to grass.
Go figger.

14th May 2012, 17:45
Another thing which works wonders for guests who don't know when to leave is to start groping and squeezing your other half's boobs. Kiss her on the neck, get her to moan and groan and squeeze some more.

14th May 2012, 17:49
They leave even quicker if you start feeling your own nipples while moaning and groaning.

Lon More
14th May 2012, 17:52
"Who's for a game of hide the sausage?"

Might not get rid of all of them though.

14th May 2012, 17:53
Just your luck they'd be closet swingers :eek:

flying lid
14th May 2012, 18:11
telly tubbies ending - YouTube

14th May 2012, 18:41
Turn the lights out...as a electronics engineer the entire house is automated and this happens at 00:00 CET. As an OLDER electronics engineer who fitted the system about 15 years ago I have forgotten how it works. Photocells and timers somewhere.

Some brilliant suggestions, chaps. I like the squeezing nipples bit, although TWT is quite right; I did have some friends who were closet swingers, and - as I didn't fancy the wife - I was careful not to do this when asked to dinner at their house.

But that, of course, opens a whole new area: things which the people whom you thought you Knew Really Well get up to at intimate dinner parties.....

14th May 2012, 20:32
... which would get the thread closed fast and fluent, I guess.

What about yawning loud and lion-like? Takes some practice (used to, when a friend had an idea it might motivate slow students explaining something to the class), but is scary enough. (the only bad aspect is un-doing the process, i.e yawning in a normal manner again :E).

14th May 2012, 20:41

Yawning loud and lion-like might give the guests the impression that one is bored. We can't have that as it would offend the poor souls!

14th May 2012, 22:05
As well, rg, dimmer guests might think of a lion like, cavernous yawning orifice as a place to hide a salami ... :eek:

After a few drinks, some folks don't pick up on subtle signals (I confess to having sinned in that manner at least once) and do need a "we need to sleep, have the cat to floss and the dog to milk, first thing in the morning ...") does get the job done.

14th May 2012, 22:12
However, what about being met with 'Why don't you go to bed, we can sleep down here after we've had a shag?' - the female half of an unmarried couple who both lived with their parents!

Cornish Jack
14th May 2012, 22:17
In the days of pub landlords having to clear the bars, one such in Lincoln used to appear wearing a solar topee on the front of which was printed in large letters "I'm wearing my pith helmet - why don't you pith off!?" Seemed to work quite well

15th May 2012, 00:24
I think the Chinese have it about right, they serve cut up oranges!

Another way is to drop off to sleep, feign it if you have to!

15th May 2012, 00:52
In H G Wells' 'The Man Who Came To Dinner'. about a guest who wouldn't leave, the host builds a time machine and escapes into the future.

You could try that.

15th May 2012, 01:06
Disappearing for a few moments and then coming back wearing wearing a set of pyjamas and carrying your toothbrush, should be a suitably adequate hint for most recalcitrant guests. If they fail to notice that hint, try turning all the lights off! Surely, they'd get the message then!

15th May 2012, 02:13
Play Minnie Ripperton songs.

15th May 2012, 04:07
Just get your wife to bring out one of the kiddies and start breast feeding it.

15th May 2012, 08:30
Just your luck they'd be closet swingers http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/eek.gif
One finds that the closet is generally too small for swinging. ;)

15th May 2012, 08:42
Just get your wife to bring out one of the teenagers and start breast feeding it.
Fixed it for you.

15th May 2012, 10:37
You should do what they do here in Switzerland. On your invitation (or when you invite them) mention the time they are expected, and the time they are expected to leave.

i.e. You're invited to dinner and after dinner-drinks on the terrace to admire B738s. 19h30~23h30 chez nous.

If the couple is Swiss you can expect them to be parked in your driveway at 19:25 but they won't ring the bell until 19:30. They will begin to make leaving noises around 23h20 and be gone by the deadline. If they are English ... expect them up to 2 hours late, and to hang about until the cows return to the fields.

Worrals in the wilds
15th May 2012, 10:54
Just get your wife to bring out one of the teenagers and start breast feeding it. Too much time in Tasmania, Hydromet? :E
Seriously, I like the 'bugger off, I'm going to bed' option. The only problem is when it backfires and you go to bed, sleep soundly and wake up in the morning to find the aforementioned party guests are still partying in your living room, having consumed the entire household supply of eatables, drinkables and smokeables (including the well hidden backups and the strange purple liqueur someone gave you as a joke three years ago); and now expect a hearty breakfast. :ouch:
Forced eviction to the nearest McDonalds is the only option, plus a heartfelt promise to return the favour. :cool:

wings folded
15th May 2012, 11:02
While I was a student, I from time to time volunteered to help serving hot meals to people who were sleeping rough.
One bitterly cold evening, not surprisingly some of the customers were reluctant to leave, and the caretaker who held the keys for the hall was muttering increasingly loudly that he wanted to lock up.
A fellow volunteer, a very warm hearted woman of a certain age with a booming, stand-no-nonsense voice grasped the situation and loudly enquired:

"Do you people not have homes to go to?"

15th May 2012, 11:48
An old farmer round here used to use the lline, to his wife:-

"Well come on m'duck, we'd better go to bed, these folks'll be wanting to go home"

Works a treat


15th May 2012, 13:28
RJM wrote:

In H G Wells' 'The Man Who Came To Dinner'. about a guest who wouldn't leave, the host builds a time machine and escapes into the future.

You could try that.

A great idea. And another one along a similar vein is 'The Word Processor of the Gods'. (I forgot who wrote it, Stephen King perhaps?) In it, this boy-genius creates a word processor which, when you hit the delete key, the person you're thinking of at the time of hitting that key, simply vanishes off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again.

I wish I could create such a machine. However, my list of delete-ees would be very, very long. I'm not sure pounding on the delete key for such a long time would do it any good!

15th May 2012, 13:29
lomapaseo wrote:

Just get your wife to bring out one of the kiddies and start breast feeding it.

What if the parents of the kiddies are both male? How does that work then?

15th May 2012, 13:34
the host builds a time machine and escapes into the future

Go and read the EU Politics Hamsterwheel thread. Then see if you still want to escape into the future. Me, I'd stock up on antibiotics, false teeth and spectacles and return to the middle ages.

15th May 2012, 15:29
Being in a privileged position (work related) I've had a number of dinners at Buck House. When HRH leaves the table it is announced.... "Her Majesty is now leaving" whereby the guests get the message.


15th May 2012, 15:44
the message

...which would be: 'Scull your glass, put a couple of rolls in your pocket and ask if Phil's interested in kicking on somewhere'?

(I've never been invited meself...)

15th May 2012, 16:06
My last post on this thread.... "ask if Phil's interested in kicking on somewhere'?" I've seen Phil do a moon walk and HRH is not too bad (taking into account age) dancing the Jive WWII and all that. Most of them are 'good eggs' when the 'hair is let down'


Solid Rust Twotter
15th May 2012, 16:07
Start lighting your farts.

15th May 2012, 16:17

Start lighting your farts? Boy, does that bring back memories.

As a US Army infantryman back in the 80's, and when pulling perimeter/guard duty, we used to sit around seeing who could
light the biggest ones. It always helped to eat the raunchiest MRE (Meals, Ready to Eat) or C-Rations beforehand. Especially the enclosed John Wayne bars which seemed to evoke the largest flaming farts known to mankind.

When done properly, and precisely, they also make awesome flame throwers. Take that, Al Qaeda.


PS: The depravity exhibited on JB sometimes leaves one agasp. What started as a simple thread asking how one deals with those friends and family members who don't know when the f**k to leave, has devolved into flaming farts used a flame throwers.
How does something like this happen?

Solid Rust Twotter
15th May 2012, 16:41
It am a mil thang, Mr Rock. Not so much the farts one gets eating MREs as trying to jettison a lump of concrete after a week or so on the stuff. Would have been more bearable if they had the little bottle of Tabasco in those we were issued, but the mob in question regarded anything more than a distant nod at a salt shaker as overly spiced. Would have paid good money to see that lot force fed a good Phal.

Curious Pax
15th May 2012, 16:42
The Dutch appear to be programmed similarly to the Swiss - invitations often spell out arrival/departure times.

In our house Mrs CP just announces she is going to bed and leaves me to deal with the guests. However earlier than that (usually about 9pm) if any of the guests are sitting on the right hand side of the sofa, Thea the Vizsla barks at them in a "b*gger off, that's were I lie after CP jr has gone to bed" sort of way. If we agree with her we just smile sweetly, and explain what she means (guests then often take the hint). If not then we tell her to be quiet, and she then lies on their feet while emitting a huge "humph".

15th May 2012, 18:18
I like to ask guests if the old rule "if you're not in bed by 10pm/10:30pm/11pm (delete as appropriate) then you go home" still apply? followed up with "it still works for me, and I am at home, Goodnight".


sled dog
15th May 2012, 19:57
I often find that producing an empty bottle of cognac and saying " well thats that then " usually gives the guests the hint to leave ( the full bottle has been well hidden )........

15th May 2012, 21:11
How does something like this happen?

Not too sure about that rgb., but it sure is fun !

The guests of whom I wrote in episode one are Good Germans who view Europe, the World, the Galaxy and Fiscal Union much the same way we do.

Previous German guests could, when necessary, be dispatched into the night in a raging fury by suggesting the euro wasn't all it is cracked up to be.

All of which suggests that some folk have weakness and some don't, and that lighting farts might, with some guests, just encourage them to try to do better. So for all the suggestions made, thanks, and I'll just pick what I think are the most applicable ones.

Now, about that colostomy bag which we borrowed to ice a cake and forgot to remove the metal nozzle from when returning it.......does the icing on the dessert cake taste a little raunchy to you ?

16th May 2012, 02:04
A surefire method we use is the missus comes over and sits
next to me. At a time we've both agreed to she'll do a yawn
with long tiring stretch - as both arms come down one open
hand will settle on my groin - and her thumb will gently do
an incessant nuzzle on the upper thigh close to my package
while she carries on the conversation - I will stop mine cold
dead and listen to whoever is jabbering on - with a distant
look on my face. Her hand will continue thumb-nuzzling and
I'll thereafter make it politely obvious that I am barring up.

Shortly after I'll say "OkI'mfeelingtirednowsoI'mgoingtobedw
ing" and just trudge off.

Works all the time with friends - and'd probably work too with
you lot - but we don't do that in front of the outlaws (but they
don't linger around much anyway).

16th May 2012, 03:46
methinks that simply having a humping male dog sidle up to any guest not moving will hasten an early exit. Especially if the dog is successful and finishes

16th May 2012, 04:05
When it's time for the guests to leave (in our opinion), I simply
walk to our old piano and start to play "The Entertainer".
I's like a scramble towards the exit.
Average time to empty the house is 4 minutes.
Most of the time we get rain for the rest of the night as well.:p

16th May 2012, 14:25

Thanks a lot for your last one. My morning cup of joe (coffee) is
now splattered all over my laptop screen, having erupted from my gullet as I read your post!!!!! (The humping dog that is. I must try that on Those Who Never Leave.)


I found the quickest way to rid one's abode of German friends was always to bring up... gulp... Nationalsozialismus (sp?) and the resultant Germanic catastrophe.

16th May 2012, 18:32
- or get some older male relatives to sing the top-songs of their youth. (Which happen to be the ones the victorious German guys used to love, of course.)

16th May 2012, 18:38
Or, even better (and still Germanic) start yodeling. That should drive any nuisance guests out.


16th May 2012, 19:14
I confess for a time I was under the influence of right-wing Germany. Then An Incident took place, and now I'm not.

But most German friends and acquaintances just sigh and say "it wasn't me" when the subject of National Socialism is raised.

If they are telling the truth, it is amazing that Hitler rose to power with such meagre support, and even more amazing that he stayed there with no support at all, if older Germans one meets today are to be believed.

Those who deny the past are bound to repeat it - or something like that.

16th May 2012, 19:25
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

Sign hangs over the entrance of the Dachau concentration camp memorial, Dachau, Oberbayern, Deutschland.