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View Full Version : Cleese, or not Cleese. That is the question.


Loose rivets
1st May 2012, 05:06
This was sent to me by an American friend. I rather think she thought I'd like it, well, because I'm English. I find parts of it funny, but other bits made me wonder if it really was the John Cleese we know and love . . . heruuumph! In a chap sort of way of course.

In other words, is the banter too non-PC. What do you think?


John Cleese - Threat Levels

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.




-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person



A final thought. Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Bushfiva
1st May 2012, 05:52
John Humberstone (http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html) in 2006

sisemen
1st May 2012, 06:22
Humberstone? Is that pronounced p-l-a-g-i-a-r-i-s-t?

Bushfiva
1st May 2012, 06:33
I get back to 31 jan 2001, "John H" but don't feel the urge to dig any further.

bnt
1st May 2012, 08:31
It reads to me like someone trying to write "Pythonese" - not so much Cleese as Eric Idle in Australian Table Wines (http://www.phespirit.info/montypython/australian_table_wines.htm) mode.

Wingswinger
1st May 2012, 08:54
It is quite funny. I'd send it to Holyrood to see what the Scottish Puddock ( A Salmond) thinks of the bit about Scots. Nae sense o' humour, him. :}

dead_pan
1st May 2012, 09:04
No mention of the USA - doesn't their threat level go from "Its not our problem" to "Give us a couple of years and we might join in" to "Holy sh*t lets nuke the b*stards"?

OFSO
1st May 2012, 09:15
It's not from Cleese, and come to that, Cleese isn't funny any more either.

BOAC
1st May 2012, 13:30
Here's another of similar vintage:

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of "She'll be right mate" is enough.

Lightning Mate
1st May 2012, 13:54
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Was it not when we joined the EU?

Lonewolf_50
1st May 2012, 14:07
deadpan:

Your first two seem to fit pretty well, but your last misses the mark.

Since August of 1945, the last response has typically been
"Alright, let's bomb/invade (you choose) the b*st*rds."

Nukes are not in play, but are, as for Brits and Frogs and Russians and so forth, a hold card. Just to be sure that you understand.

My favorite line in this thread:

Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

:ok:

Does that mean we are back to wearing togas?

BOAC
1st May 2012, 14:36
Does that mean we are back to wearing togas? - ooh! I do hope so. Reminds me of a TOGA party I went to and the lady I met there did NOT need a second push on TOGA for full thrust....:eek:

MagnusP
1st May 2012, 14:54
Reminds me of a mate - allegedly staunch catholic - who would go to confession on a Saturday morning then find a fancy dress party so he could try to crack a nun! Pre-emptive absolution!

Lightning Mate
1st May 2012, 17:54
Reminds me of a TOGA party I went to and the lady I met there did NOT need a
second push on TOGA for full thrust....http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/eek.gif

Excrement of male cow Mike..... :E:E

Sir George Cayley
1st May 2012, 20:08
I'll certainly be rather annoyed if it kicks off in the Middle East and the price of fuel goes up.

Come to think about it I'll be bloomin' livid if there's peace in the Middle East and the price of fuel goes up.

Anyway, if it is 430BC what have the Romans done for us?

SGC

Loose rivets
2nd May 2012, 05:35
Well, given us Cecilia Bartoli, for a start.

Flypro
2nd May 2012, 17:41
- and Bunga Bunga party's;)