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20th Apr 2001, 19:38
Okay so I'm tired of religion and ocb - so sue me.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse, and drives the car forward and saves him.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says,

'I think I can stand over the hole!'

so he stretches over the width of the hole and said,

'Grab my love pump and pull yourself up.'

The chicken does and hauls himself to safety.

The moral of the story is, if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

A Grouse walks into a bar and the barman asks "Can I help you?"

"I'll have a pint of lager please!" Replies the bird.

"No problem" says the barman, "By the way, we've got a drink named after you!"

The Grouse replies "What, Eric?"


Two cows in a field. One says to the other: "What about this Mad Cow disease, then?"

The other one says: "Doesn't affect me. I'm a duck".

[This message has been edited by Velvet (edited 20 April 2001).]

Hersham Boy
20th Apr 2001, 20:11
How did the chicken reach the pedals?

Stiff Lil' Fingers
20th Apr 2001, 20:27
....to continue the chicken theme....

A young man named Wally received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Wally tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example.

Nothing worked. Finally, Wally got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. Wally shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Wally put the bird in his brand new, and freshly stocked, freezer.

For a few minutes, Wally heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, Wally quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Wally's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."

Wally was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

20th Apr 2001, 20:48
A man walks into a pub with a lump of Tarmac under his arm.

The barman says "can I help you sir?"

The man replies "Yes i'll have a pint of lager and one for the road please

Hersham Boy
20th Apr 2001, 21:01
A piece of buslane and a piece of dual carriageway are having a drink in a pub when they see a piece of green coloured road starting fights with people at the bar.

"Who's that?" says the buslane.

"I don't know," says the dual carriageway, "but don't go near him - he looks like a bit of a cyclepath to me"

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

Stiff Lil' Fingers
20th Apr 2001, 21:03
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord. The snail replies that he wants a drink."Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway". The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord. "What did you do that for" says the snail.

PS - Hersh, before you ask, I have no idea how the snail could reach the door bell!

3 putt
20th Apr 2001, 22:18
Guy walks into the doctor with a 24" Hampton and says "F*ck this Doc,can you give me anything for it.Doctor brings the burdened man over to the window saying "Do you see that silver 7 series BMW down there;well I'll give you that for it"

20th Apr 2001, 23:32
A young woman from California purchased a piece of timberland in Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

21st Apr 2001, 01:30
Man walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only cling film.

The doctor says "I can clearly see you're nuts"

Kulu runs and ducks

[This message has been edited by Kulu (edited 20 April 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Kulu (edited 20 April 2001).]

21st Apr 2001, 02:26
Chap goes into a bakers shop and says "can I have a wasp please?"

On receiving the answer "Sorry sir, we don`t sell wasps", he replies:

"That`s funny, there`s one in your window"

Mac the Knife
21st Apr 2001, 02:39
Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
pay was lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same
tricks over and over.

There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week
and began to understand the tricks. In the middle of the show, the parrot
would shout:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"He's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot.

Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece
of wood... with the parrot perched on the other end.

Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but
did not utter a single word.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What did you do
with the boat?"

21st Apr 2001, 03:44
A horse walks into a pub.
The barman says "Why the long face"?

(You can always substitute Celine Dion or Michael Schumaker for 'A horse') :)

[This message has been edited by Fitztightly (edited 20 April 2001).]

Radar Departure2
21st Apr 2001, 10:43
:) :) :) :) :)

10 points and a free drink to the first round winner:

Mac the Knife, come on down!!!!

Hersham Boy
21st Apr 2001, 14:04
Kulu - au contraire... that was pure comic genius.

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader together for Xmas:

DV: "<WHEEZE><WHEEZE> Luke - I know what you are getting for Christmas <WHEEZE><WHEEZE>."

LS: "How come?"

DV: "<WHEEZE><WHEEZE> I felt your presents."

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

Hersham Boy
21st Apr 2001, 14:09
And while I'm on a roll (and finding excuses NOT to cut the lawn):

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?


21st Apr 2001, 15:40
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over
and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

21st Apr 2001, 16:25
"Mummy mummy Ive been raped by a pilot!"
"how do you know he was a pilot?"
"He had a small dick, a big watch and didn't stop talking about himself".

A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre....

So he gives her one.

do homeless people get knock kncock jokes?

Fighting for peace is like f~~~ing for virginity.

21st Apr 2001, 19:11
One day, two whales swimming happily along in the Atlantic Ocean suddenly noticed a Whaling Schooner coming towards them.
The male Whale turned to the female and said:
"I recognise that boat - they're the bastards who killed my parents a few years ago. Let's get 'em!"
The female whale was instantly enraged by this and replied "Yes, I'd love to get some revenge on them. But how?"
"I've got a plan. Let's dive underneath the boat, and suddenly exhale - all the water spurting out should be enough to topple the boat over!"
So they dived underneath the schooner, and squirted water up through the blowhole in the top of their heads - sure enough, the boat toppled over and the sailors began to swim away.
"Right. Good start" the male said. "Now, let's swim 'round and eat them all"
The female thought about this for a while, and then replied:
"No way ! I'm happy enough with a blow-job but there's NO WAY I'm swallowing the Seamen!"

Mac the Knife
21st Apr 2001, 22:16
Radar - can I swap the 10 points for a visa? if I could persuade Mrs Mac & get a job I'd be in Queensland yesterday. And thanks, I'll have a large one.

22nd Apr 2001, 16:03
Three American college girls go for their physical. When the first girl gets undressed, the doctor notices that she has a large red letter 'H' imprinted on her belly.
"How did you get that?" asks the Doc.
"Well, it's a bit embarrassing" replies the girl "I was making love to my boyfriend last night and he was wearing his Harvard T-shirt. As things got a bit sweaty, the ink ran and left this big 'H' on me and it won't wash off"
"Don't worry" says the Doc, "it'll wear off in time"
When the second girl comes in and undresses, the Doctor notices that she has a large green letter 'Y' in exactly the same area. This time, when he enquires, she replies with virtually the same story except that her boyfriend was from Yale.
When the third girl undresses, she has a large blue letter 'M' on her belly.
"Don't tell me" says the Doc "you've got a boyfriend at Michigan haven't you?"
The girl looks puzzled for a moment and replies
"No Doctor, but I do have a girlfriend at Wisconsin"!

Radar Departure2
22nd Apr 2001, 17:35
Tarbender!! One large for Mac the Knife!

Mac, the visa I can't help you with, neither Mrs Mac, but unless you absolutely must live in a capital city, a job would not be a problem for you :).... speaking of which....

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.


23rd Apr 2001, 02:06
And for the uninitiated, can I recommend the excellent T V Go Home (http://www.tvgohome.com) for truly hysterical and, more often than not, utterly filthy comedic amusement.

23rd Apr 2001, 04:09
What's the difference between an Ansett pilot and a Qantas pilot?

The Ansett pilot gets Christmas and Easter off.

23rd Apr 2001, 04:28
Did you hear about the guy who thought?

Manual labour was a Mexican gardener

Fellatio was a French painter

Cunnilingus was a new Irish airline

[This message has been edited by captainschlonger (edited 22 April 2001).]

Mr Creosote
23rd Apr 2001, 08:47
A Frenchman, an Englishman, & a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now we've caught you & we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to chose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the Chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please" the chief gives him a pistol and the Englishman points it at his head and says, "god save the queen!" then he blows his head off.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork!" the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and begins jabbing himself all over- stomach, head, chest, sides, everywhere! There is blood gushing everywhere.

The chief is appalled and asks, "what are you doing?", and the New Yorker responds, "so much for your canoe, you stupid a***hole !"

23rd Apr 2001, 10:16
Disregard this post folks... ! The third one will explain why this one is here ! ;)

[This message has been edited by Hottie (edited 23 April 2001).]

23rd Apr 2001, 10:32
While cruising at 40,000ft, the aircraft shuddered and Mr Benson looked out the window. "Good lord !!!" , he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up !"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were now in a frenzy, and even the Flight Attendants could not maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the Captain strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was absolutely nothing to worry about. His words and demeanour made most of the passengers feel better, and they at down as he calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them out to the Flight Attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs, including the First Officer, who was now in the passenger cabin, next to his Skipper.

"Say", spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes ?" The pilots said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about ???"

"There isn't", replied the Captain as the third engine exploded, "We're going to get help" :)

23rd Apr 2001, 10:35
Sorry guys !!!!! Just seems this joke cracks me up I had to post it twice.....

f*@<hidden>#in stupid computer !!!! :mad:

...ahhhhh..that feels sooo much better :)

[This message has been edited by Hottie (edited 23 April 2001).]

23rd Apr 2001, 11:14
Okay...I simply cannot resist !!! :)

Here is another joke....and really - no offence to the blondes ( for those that know me, blondies are my favourite.... ;) )

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man who was just about to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay, you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps and the blonde hands over the $50.
The brunetter says, "I can't take this money - I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you HAVE to take it", says the blonde, "I watched the 5 o'clock news as well...but I didn't think that he would do it again." :[

23rd Apr 2001, 14:04
Mac the Knife:

Canada is colder, but we have many physicians and surgeons here from Sihdeffrica and also a steady drain of medics to the US. Why not come here? As a special incentive I can also offer me, with four visits to the local abattoirs in the past three years and uncounted contributions over the past twenty. My future trade looks good. I had thought it would end when I ran out of removables, but I underestimated: there is a whole new vista of rearrangement opening up, so to speak. Probably you know this already, but we have just miles and miles of arteries. It is a good repeat trade, and I can virtually schedule myself in every ten years or so per service item. In one recent stent-inserting visit I was even given a warranty card. I have it in my wallet. The card, not the stent. I am running out of bits to be removed but the potential rearrangements are many, and it might as well be you that swings the slicer. The waiting lists for surgery are long (my last main event kept me waiting eight months for admission, and even then I was admitted only after sending a racy lawyer's letter musing on lawsuits. By sheer coincidence I received an appointment a few days later). So there is a good back-up of business. And this is all just the soft tissues. The bones and joints are still virgin territory. You can look on this as either an invitation or a contribution to the jokes column. The real joke is that it is all true.

23rd Apr 2001, 14:18
President Bush has proposed and passed with his new Federal budget, the largest Federal penitentiary in the United States. The plan is to put a chain link fence around England. He said the problem is that will take about twelve Texas rangers away from their normal course of duty to secure the premises. I agreed to volunteer.


Hersham Boy
23rd Apr 2001, 15:01
For one very short moment, I thought we were actually going to get some humour out of the Lone_Star_Bore.

Have some decency and keep your inarticulate rantings to the relavent threads. This one is for jokes.

Now break with tradition and make us laugh, will you?

Here's a warm-up:

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?"

PS. If you'd have suggested fencing-off WALES, you'd have got a laugh out of Anne Robinson.

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

23rd Apr 2001, 15:51

We Brits have already had the idea of using an island as a penitentiary.

We called it Australia.

23rd Apr 2001, 15:54
I too thought that OCB might for once prove entertaining but should have known better. But his only source of material is the bible and its not exactly known for its jokes.

'Did you hear the one about the two thieves and the carpenter?'
'They all got crucified by the Romans!'.

See it just doesn't work.

Now on the other hand...

An Englishman walks into a bar and orders a beer. The atmosphere is good and everyone is telling jokes. After a bit he decides he ought to tell one.

So he starts 'There was this Texan....'

Immediately this big guy at the bar says. 'Hey fella. Before you go on you ought to know that I'm a Texan rancher and there ain't nothing tougher than a Texan rancher.'

Then an even bigger guy next to him says 'And I'm a Texan oilman and there ain't nothing badder than a Texan oilman.'

Then a third guy says 'And I'm a gun-totin' Texan missionary and there ain't anybody madder than a gun-totin' Texan missionary. Now are you sure you want to tell a joke about a Texan?'

The Englishman looks at his watch and says 'No guys you are right. I won't tell the joke about the Texan. I don't have time to tell it and explain it three times.'

23rd Apr 2001, 16:12
A delegation from the UN are flying through the Alps, when the aircraft has a double engine failure, leaving it with only two. (For OCB's benefit, I will explain that it had a total of four.)

They're bound to crash into high ground, and can't climb, unless they can reduce the weight. Out goes all the baggage - but they're still to heavy.

Seats are ripped from the rails, and thrown out. Still too heavy.

They remove all the bulkheads, the ovens and the catering trolleys and throw them out, but they're STILL too heavy.

Since they're bound to crash, the Englishman gets up, walks back to the door, and announces:-

"I shall give my life for my fellow men. God save the Queen", and jumps to his death. But the aircraft is still not climbing.

Up gets the Frenchman, who walks over to the door, turns, salutes the rest of them, saying:-

"I, too, give my life for my fellow men. Vive la France", and dives out of the door.

The aircraft is now flying level, but is just too heavy to climb out of the pass. If they wait any longer, they won't have enough fuel to get to a safe landing area.

FInally, the Texan gets up, walks over to the door, and says:-

"Remember the Alamo!"

...and throws out the Mexican.

Breeding Per Dementia Unto Something Jolly Big, Toodle-pip

23rd Apr 2001, 16:21
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for Bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define Marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

23rd Apr 2001, 16:22
Following as I sometimes do, Hug, your interest in American fighting capacity, we may note that when the Texans used the battle-cry "Remember the Alamo!" at the battle of San Jacinto, Sam Houston cleaned up Santa Ana and his whole army in 18 minutes. Worked for them.

Send Clowns
23rd Apr 2001, 16:28
Yes, Davaar, but the 16 USN SEAL divers off Granada should have shouted it before they entered the water. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

[This message has been edited by Send Clowns (edited 23 April 2001).]

23rd Apr 2001, 16:35
Unwell Raptor

You just reminded me of something. It is a little known fact that Britain only started transporting criminals to Australia after it lost the American War of Independence. Before that Britain used to drop off all of its trash in America.

And Britain encouraged all of it's religious loonies to emigrate there. Hence the Pilgrim Fathers. As if by magic 200 years later up comes OCB. It is all beginning to make sense.

But I digress from Velvet's request for more jokes.

A dog went into an employment agency and asked for a job. The lady at the desk said "With your talent, you'll easily get a job at the circus."
"The circus?" echoed the dog, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

23rd Apr 2001, 16:51
Or maybe Hello Fadda! Hello Mudda!

23rd Apr 2001, 17:54
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">
You just reminded me of something. It is a little known fact that Britain only started transporting criminals to Australia after it lost the American War of Independence. Before that Britain used to drop off all of its trash in America.

And Britain encouraged all of it's religious loonies to emigrate there. Hence the Pilgrim Fathers. As if by magic 200 years later up comes OCB. It is all beginning to make sense.

***You hit that one perfectly. My fathers side of the family was from Scotland and sent to Georgia as debtors. They served in the civil war as officers and were all murdered right after the war by yankees. Two young brothers escaped from Georgia and made it to Texas. One is my great grandfather.

On the other hand my Mothers family goes back to the war of Independence (Scottish/ Irish) and I'm an honorary SOR (son of the revolutionary war) in which the British were defeated in order for the greatest country in the history of mankind to be established. So go figure!

***A Brit walked into a bar in West Texas, sat down, ordered a whiskey, took a drink and said, all these Texas attorney's are horses arss.

A cowboy went over and after a couple of blows, grabbed the Brit and tossed him out into the street on his arss.

The brit got back up and went into the bar again and ordered another whiskey, took another drink, laid his drink down and said all Texas doctors are horses arss.

Another cowboy went over to the Brit and after a fight, grabbed him by his throat and threw him out of the bar into the street.

The brit came back in, a third time, and said to the bartender, " Man, these cowboys must really like Texas attorneys and doctors around here!"

The bartender said, "no stupid, this is horse country!"

ocb :)

Hersham Boy
23rd Apr 2001, 19:42
I knew you had it in you, OCB. To continue the remedy, repeat twice a day until the swelling goes down.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher opens the mac in front of them.

Two had a stroke. One couldn't reach.


Two nuns are sitting in a bath together.
"Where's the soap?", says one.
"Yes, it does.", says the other absent-mindedly.

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

Celtic Emerald
23rd Apr 2001, 19:51
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells "BITCH!!" :mad:

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

Moral of the story

IF ONLY MEN WOULD LISTEN http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/confused.gif (typical I might add) :)

23rd Apr 2001, 20:07

Excellent. Don't you feel better for that? It really is much better to go through life telling jokes to people than telling them they are all doomed because they are all sinful. You'll find people will be much friendlier if you let them go to heaven/hell in their own way.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that?

23rd Apr 2001, 20:19
What did the slug say to the snail?


What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

-- About half way.

23rd Apr 2001, 20:20
Bloke walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
Barman "Nice newt. What's his name"?
Bloke "Tiny".
Barman "Why's that"?
Bloke "Because he's my-newt"
:) :)

OperaDiva Alyssa
23rd Apr 2001, 23:16
ok here's a joke for you:
a man was in his back yard and he hit 2 balls.........
He stepped on a rake.

Ed Winchester
23rd Apr 2001, 23:50
Jesus convenes all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting to discuss the high drug consumption problem on Earth. After much debate, they decide that they should try the drugs themselves before working out the best way to proceed. A delegation of disciples are sent down to get the different types of drugs.
After two days of waiting, there is a knock on the door of heaven.
"Who is it?" says Jesus.
"It's Peter. I've brought hashish from Morocco."
"Well done.", says Jesus.
There is another knock on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Mark, I've brought cocaine from Columbia."
"Well done, my son."
Knock knock. "Who's there?"
"It's Matthew. I've got grass from Jamaica."
"Very well, come in."
Knock knock. "Who is it?", says Jesus.
"It's John. I've brought crack from New York."
"Well done, John. Come in."
Another knock on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door. "What did youbring?"

wat tyler
24th Apr 2001, 00:44
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

There's nothing so overrated as a bad f**k, but nothing so underrated as a good **** .

Squawk 8888
24th Apr 2001, 07:06
What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes is forever.

Per dementia ad astra

24th Apr 2001, 07:36
An American, a Jew, a Mexican, a Priest, a Frenchman, and a Newfie walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?" :)

cart tart 1
24th Apr 2001, 14:59
a woman decides to surprise her husband for his birthday so she decides to get a tatoo.While hes at work she goes to the shop.She asks the tatooist if she can have a butterfly on each chhek of her bum.
Well replies the tatooist "i'm not very good @<hidden> but i'm very good @<hidden> the woman thinks for a while and then decides o.k ill have two bees then.
That night her husband comes home and she says "honey i have a surprise for you come upstairs in 5 mins and then you can have it.
She runs upstairs,gets undressed and sits on the bed with her a*se pointing towards the door.The husband is really excited he opens the door looks then shouts"WHO THE F**K IS BOB"

Hersham Boy
24th Apr 2001, 15:31
What does WIFE stand for?


Sorry, laydees - the views represented in this posting are not necessarily those of the poster... etc.

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

24th Apr 2001, 16:02
What's the speed of dark?

Me, sweat? I'm that cool, it's condensation.

24th Apr 2001, 19:29
Two nuns are cycling down Market Street in St Andrews.

One says "I've never come this way before".
The other replies "No, it must be the cobbles."

village flyer
24th Apr 2001, 20:21
...and who said you cant get a joke out of the bible.....

Did you know soccer was first mentioned in the bible........Jesus went up for the cross.

Did you know the tinkers were first mentioned in the bible.......hosanna in the hiace.

Drugs too......mary getting stoned....

...o.k. fair enough, I'll back me bags....


wat tyler
25th Apr 2001, 01:50
Jesus saves

But St John puts away the rebound.

3 putt
25th Apr 2001, 01:58
Variation on wat tyler's,

Why does the bride smile when walking down the aisle?..........because she knows she just gave her last blow job.

A fish walks into a bar,barman asks "what will it be"...fish croaks "water".

Copper wire......invented by two jews fighting over a penny.

gas path
25th Apr 2001, 03:18
Old fella hobling down the street on his zimma frame. Suddenly a faint voice says
He looks around and there at his feet is a tiny frog, he picks it up and the frog says
"If you give me a kiss I will turn into the most beautiful princess and you can have your wicked way with me."
The old chap thinks for a while then carefully puts the frog in his pocket and totters along on his walking frame.
A few minuites later the faint voice of the frog calls out from deep in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me then?"
To which the old chap replies
"At my age I'm better of with a talking frog!"

25th Apr 2001, 03:57
Okay...here are some more jokes....ONLY cause ya asked for 'em ;)


1) I'll swallow the lot, I LOVE the taste !
2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink ?
3) I'm bored - let's shave my pussy
4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your
mates ?
5) That was a GREAT fart ! Do another one !
6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in
the house
7) You're so sexy with a hangover !
8) I'd prefer to play virtual fighter than go
9) Let's subscribe to Penthouse !
10)Would you like to see a video of me going
down on my friend ?


Between the ages of 13 to 25, she's like ASIA - HALF VIRGIN and HALF EXPLORED !

Between 25 and 35, she's like AFRICA - HOT and MYSTERIOUS !

Between 35 and 45, she's like AMERICA - COOL, CALCULATING and COMMERCIAL !

Between 45 and 65, she's like EUROPE - DEVASTATED but still some INTERESTING SPOTS !

After 65, she's like ICELAND - everyone knows where it is but who the heck WANTS TO GO THERE !


Marriage is a 3 ring circus : Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering

Why do men pass more gas than women ?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

(yeah - I know, I know....sorry ladies...all the above in good jest only :) )

Ya want more ?????????? Hehehe

'There is some satisfaction, that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination you thought you'd never make...'

Send Clowns
25th Apr 2001, 04:32
Hottie I've had a woman say 1, 2, 4 and 6 (and it was the same woman) or words to that effect. No I'm not going to introduce you!

'Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air'

25th Apr 2001, 22:23
Send Clowns

My bird is very polite - she
never talks with her mouth full !

25th Apr 2001, 22:32
Q. Why does a dog lick it's nuts ?
A. Cause it can.
A bear goes into a bar,looks
at the barman and says :
Can I have a pint of...........
Guinness ?
The barman says - Why the big pause ?
What do you call a bear with no paw ?
Yogi The Bastard
What is dangerous and swims at the
bottom of the sea ?

Jack the Kipper
What is white and wears a red and yellow
scarf ?

Rupert the Fridge
Why did the punk cross the road ?

Cause his nose was stapled to the
chickens ear.
What is the square root of 69 ?

Eight ( and a bit )

My dog was put down last week ?

Was he mad ?

Yeah - was'nt too happy
Did you hear about the Aussie Sea Scouts ?

Their tent sank

Stiff Lil' Fingers
26th Apr 2001, 01:09
So………a man walks into a pub with a flamingo and a cat and strolls up to the bar.

“Ok, so whose for a drink then and more importantly whose round is it?” says the man.
“Well” pipes up the flamingo, “Its about time Cat got a round in”
“Uhhhh well tell you what, you get this one in cos’ I’ve got to go and take a leak…back in a mo” replies the cat and saunters off to the toilets.
“Right Barman, 3 pints please, my shout” says the man
20 mins later its time for the next round.
“Right then Cat, get the beers in” chime the man and the flamingo in unison
“Uhhh ok, tell you what, I’ve got to make a quick call. Tell you what, you get these in and I’ll get the next round in” and the cat strolls off to make his call
“Bloody hell, well ok then, 3 pints please Barman, my shout” says the flamingo
30 mins later and its time for the next round and once again the Cat comes up with an excuse to get out of his round. The man ends up paying, albeit grudgingly.

After a while, the flamingo and the cat disappear off to play the fruit machine leaving the man at the bar.
The Barman leans over and says “So whats the score with the flamingo and the cat then mate”
“Well, it’s a long story” replies the man. “I was shipwrecked on an island and during my fifth year of isolation I found this bottle. So, I rubbed the bottom and out popped this djinhi. Well the djinhi said to me “I’ve been trapped in this bottle for a 100 years and for releasing me I’ll grant you 2 wishes”.
“Well, I was taken aback and thought really hard about my 2 wishes”
“So what did you wish for then” asked the Barman.
“So I said, right djinhi for my first wish I must get off this island”
“Your wish will be granted Sir and what will be your final wish ”
“Ok, since I’ve lived all alone for 5 years without female company, my final wish is to spend the rest of my life with a bird with long legs and a tight p*ssy”

Boom boom!

26th Apr 2001, 03:04
Talking about stiff fingers.

Plod on the beat after closing time passes the pub, as he goes past the alley beside it he hears a scuffling in the darkness. On shining his torch towards the disturbance he sees two bloke at the end. One is on his hands and knees with his trousers down and the other is kneeling beside him with two fingers up the others behind.
'Oi Oi whats going on here then?' says the bobby.
The chap the doing the digitizing looked up blearily. 'Oh it's OK Officer, my friend here has drunk so much he can't walk. I'm just going to make him vomit and he'll start to feel better.'
'Well your not going to make him sick like that' said the plod.
back came the reply ' Oh yes I am when I stick my fingers down his throat just now'

26th Apr 2001, 03:57
Trainee high crane operator being shown the ropes. First has to climb incredibly tall tower to cab many hundreds of feet up. After some hours of learning the job the instructor notices a distict lack of concentration on students part. It transpires that stude is dying for a whiz and dreads the climb down. Instructor tells student look , nothing to it, just walk out to end of arm and do it into space, it will disipate before landing on ground and so high no-one will notice. Disbelieving stude asks for demo. Instructo with a parting admonishion not to touch the controls walks nonchelantly out to end of boom, releases John Thomas and begins.
At the inquest the Coroner was listening to one of the two old ladies who had witnessed the sad accident. She ended with her statement with "...and it's a fitting end to a sexual pervert like that."
The Coroner hastily interjected that there was no evidence that the crane instructor had been a pervert. "Oh yes there was" the old lady indignantly replied. " He had his willie out in his hand and he was screaming Cuuuuuunt as he was falling"

drop bags bar
26th Apr 2001, 08:58
What is the number one food to put women off sex?

Wedding cake!

The Governor
26th Apr 2001, 20:17
After a particularly hard day in court sentencing the dregs of society a judge decides he's earned a swift half in his local hostelry on the way home.

After a couple of ciders he's getting into the swing of it with his mates. Many pints, a few brandies and a cigar or two later he rolls out onto the street totally pished and feeling a little worse for wear.

It's no suprise that on his less than direct path home he regurgitates the contents of his drinking binge all over himself.

Fearing an ear bashing on returning home to the good lady wife in such a pitiful state the resourceful Keeper of the Peace decides to concoct a story to explain being drenched in a foul smelling mixture of booze.

Once home his wife is obviously appaled at the state of her husband: "What on earth happened to you?"

"Darling, you wouldn't beleive the day I had and then on the way home this disgusting drunk was sick all over me after I refused to give him any money"

These words fell on sympathetic ears and his dutiful wife hastely had the offending articles of clothing in the washer and put him to bed in clean PJ's with a cup of cocoa.

On his way home the next day the Judge thinks a little embellishment of his cunning ruse couldn't do any harm. So upon entering the domicile he explains to his wife the remarkable coicidence that he witnessed that day in the courtroom: "Darling, you'll never guess what happened today. The drunk who assaulted me last night was in my court on a charge of vagrency so I gave him 3 years hard labour"

His wife replies "You should have given him life...he shat in your pants as well"

Exit stage right

The Gov.

The Governor
26th Apr 2001, 20:27
Forgot to add these.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty. One to change the light bulb and 39 to write the leaflet on "Coping with darkness"

Whay does a woman wear white on her wedding day?

So that she matches the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Probably should have forgotten them but I never remember the good ones....


[This message has been edited by The Governor (edited 26 April 2001).]

Jack The Kipper
26th Apr 2001, 20:52
Sunnykid - I object to that!

I'm a nice smokie once you get to know me.

27th Apr 2001, 00:05
A guy goes to work Monday morning with a huge black eye. His friend asks him what happened. The unlucky fellow also stuttered but started working his way through the story, "I waaaath siittiing oooon thheee couch wiiithh mmyyy fiianceeeee.....aaaannnd III saaaw thheee doggggg scraaaatch himseelfff beeehind theeee earrrrs- soooo I saaaaid, "Thaaaats niiceee, preeetty soooon yooou'lll beeee doooing thaaat foor meee."

So his friend sys, "Well what's so bad about that?"

"Bbbyyyy theee tiiime III waaaas finiiished, thee dooog waaas liicking hissss ballls.

monkey boy
27th Apr 2001, 23:05
How many stupid people does it take to change a lightbulb?


1 to stand on a table and get hold of the bulb, the other 4 to pick the table up and turn it round.

[This message has been edited by monkey boy (edited 27 April 2001).]

28th Apr 2001, 02:01
Thought this one, e-mailed by a friend yesterday, was simply brilliant.


According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put in on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them there and then. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are Teachers

monkey boy
28th Apr 2001, 14:23
2 guys are sitting on a plane, chatting away when 1 said
"Do you remember the check in clerk? I really embarassed myself, I went to get my ticket, but she had huge breasts, so I asked for a Picket to Tittsburgh.

The other man nodded, and said
"That happened to me this morning, I asked my wife to pass the salt, but actually said BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE"

Radar Departure2
28th Apr 2001, 16:59
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home.

The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”


28th Apr 2001, 18:55
Guy in a restaurant eating on his own. A young beautiful executive walks in and she sits at the other end of the restaurant perusing the menu on her own too.

After several minutes the guy asks the waiter to take a bottle of the restaurants finest wines to the lady with an invitation to join him for dinner.

Within minutes of the lady receiving the wine she passes a napkin to the waiter who walks across to the man and gives it to him.


Somewhat annoyed by this the man writes a reply on his napkin and sends it back to the lady via the waiter.


(Not that there are women this shallow in the world are there?)

Ella Valet
28th Apr 2001, 19:48
The Bear and the Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a waterhole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish.

"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish for this male bear here to be gay..."

Kegs Love Child
28th Apr 2001, 22:44
What's the difference between a police woman, a nurse and a flight attendant having sex?............

The police woman slaps them up against the side of the bed, handcuffs them, takes out the whip and says "I'm in control here". The nurse lies them down, washes them down with a washer, and in a caressing voice says "I'll take care of you".
And the flight attendant says "Place this over your nose and mouth and breath normally". :)

Capt Homesick
29th Apr 2001, 06:42
OK, this one is NOT original, but it hasn't been on JB in a while:
A man decides to emigrate to Oz. He fills in the forms, and is invited to the embassy for an interview.
It's all going fine, until the interviewer asks, "Do you have a criminal record?"
He replies "I didn't know it was still a requirement."

&lt;ducks, runs for cover...&gt;

gul dukat
29th Apr 2001, 14:22
Two Irish guys go into a airline recruiting seminar and stroll up to the desk. The first guy says "I would like a job please ,i am a pilot !" The recruiter says "certainly !!! you have come to the right place !! we need loads of pilots !! you're hired !" The guy smiles and says what about me friend ? The recruiter says "sure ..is he a pilot too?" "No "says the guy he is a Turf Cutter !! "Turf Cutter??" says the recruiter "what possible use would this airline have for a turf cutter??"
"Well" says the first guy ,"if he dosent get to cut it I can't pile it " !!!!

Radar Departure2
29th Apr 2001, 14:26
That was the worst joke I have ever heard.


Ella Valet
29th Apr 2001, 23:27
A guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey," said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't even ask about my day."

Bandit *bob*
30th Apr 2001, 02:39
Why do gays wear ribbed condoms....gives them traction control in the "mud"

Sorry but religeon and ocb (whatever or who ever they are) have been raked..

30th Apr 2001, 15:15
Guy walks into his office and sits at his desk holding his head in his hands. His mate asks what the problem is. Guy says " Ive got a blinding headache and nothing can shift it "

His oppo says "No worries, tell you what I do when I get a headache, I go home, take off my wife,s blouse, undo her bra, put my head between her breasts and gently massage my head with them. Works like a charm, a couple of minutes of that and my headache goes. You should try it."
Bloke says "Yeh I,ll give anything a go just to rid of this headache"

Next morning guy walks in, full of the joys of spring and says to his oppo " Hey I tried that technique - blouse off, bra off, tits round the head and massage the temples gently. Worked like a charm, and haven't you got a nice kitchen "

gas path
30th Apr 2001, 16:40
Guy takes his dog to the vets
"can you take a look at my dog please?"
The vet picks up the dog puts it on the table and puts his fingers down it's throat.
"Say AAAAARRRRR" said the vet.
The guy looks at him and says.
"Don't be stupid, dogs can't talk!"
The vet looked up and replied.
"Not the dog you fool. I mean you. The dogs dead!"

1st May 2001, 19:09
Bloke takes his sons pet rabbit to the vets. The vet picks the rabbit up and takes a good look."I'm sorry sir" said the vet, "this rabbit has had its day. The best thing you can do is give me £25 and I'll put it to sleep."

"There must be something you can do!" replied the man, "My 5 year old son loves that rabbit to bits! He'll be devastated! I want a second opinion!"

"Fair enough, but I think you'll get the same answer"

"Just do it please, for my little boy!"

With that, the vet goes into the next room and comes out with a large ginger cat under his arm. He puts it on the slab next to the rabbit. "Cat!" says the vet, "Look at the rabbit!"

With that, the cat starts meowing loudly and gives the rabbit a good look. As he finishes, he looks at the vet and moves his paw acroos his neck in a cut-throat fashion.

"There you go, the cat agrees with me!"

The man goes nuts. "You expect me to beleive the opnion of you cat! I want a third opinion!"

With that, the vet whistles loudly, and a golden labrador comes in.

"Dog, look at rabbit!" orders the vet.

The dog jumps up and looks at the rabbit, just like the cat. When he's finished he makes the same cut throat jesture with his paw.

"There you go" says the vet" same answer again! Now will you beleive me?"

The man gives up. "OK you win. I still can't beleive it but you can put the rabbit down."

"That'll be £475 then sir."

"WHAT!! You said it was £25 a minute ago!"

"Yep," said the smug vet,"that was before the Cat Scan and the Lab report!"

1st May 2001, 19:22
Three honeymoon couples in the hotel bar. The women all go off to the loo together and the men start chatting about sex.

"How many times do you think you and the missus will do it tonight?" asks the first guy to the others.

"Oh, I recon 2 or 3 probably, she's not bad in that department" came the first reply.

"I recon 3 or 4" answers the second guy."What about you?"

"About the same as you I think, but maybe we should have a bet on it! We can discuss it in the morning and whoever got it the most, gets the cash!"

"Great idea" says the second guy, "but we can't talk about it in front of the girls! They'll go mad!"

"Good point" says number 3. "What we need is a code so the girls will never know. Here's an idea: When we come for breakfast in the morning, however many slices of toast you order, thats how mwny times you had it with the missus!"

They all agree. The next morning at the breakfast table, the waiter turns to the first man.

"Toast sir?"

"Yes please waiter, I'll have 3 slices of toast please!" comes the happy reply. The lads all smile to each other, pleased with the girls oblivious chit-chat.

"And you sir?"

"4 slices for me please" says the second guy, feeling confident that the money is his.

"And finally you sir!"

"Waiter, I'll have 5 slices of toast please, 3 white and 2 brown"

2nd May 2001, 15:40
Lady goes to her new hairdresser. While hair being done is asked what's new?
"We're about to go on holiday" she said "we just got the tickets today on Continental."
" Terrible airline says hairdresser. Bad food, old hostesses, very rude. Planes are always late. Where will you stay in Rome?"
" The Danat...." " Know it well" interupts hairdresser." Every body thinks it's very chique but it's way overpriced small pokey rooms. What are you going to do over there?"
" Well we will obviously do the sights and were also hoping to see the Pope..."
" Fat chance of that. He rarely appears now old probably senile, if he does appear you'll never get close and he'll just be a little speck in the distance."

On her return from holiday the lady popped in to get a trim and touch up. The hairdresser asked how the holiday went.
" Oh it was just the greatest holiday we have ever had. Continental had overbooked coach so we were bumped up to Club class, food was great and we had a charming young hostess who couldn't have been more attentive, she gave us lots of good holiday tips."
"Oh." said the hairdresser, "lucky break. How was the hotel?"
" The Donatelli Hotel had just had a multi million dollar re-furbishment was very luxurious and it to had been overbooked, they gave us the owners suite at no extra charge and we had complimentary mini bar while we were there."
" Hmmm, well I bet you you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Well yes we did actualy. While we were going round St Peters one of the Swiss Guards tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope selects at random a few visitors for private visits. We were shown into his study and he spoke to us for a few minutes."
" Wow!" said the hairdresser impressed desite himself. " What did he say to you?"
" My poor child who gave you that crap hairdo?" replied the woman

gas path
2nd May 2001, 15:42
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to
find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He
became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was
interested in him too.
But this guy was aloyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still
going out with Lorraine. He decided that
there was nothing for it but to break up with
her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank
when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the
river. The current carried her off and she
drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
get ready, it's a cracker!.............
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
absolute genius...........
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Four Seven Eleven
2nd May 2001, 16:08
Cap'n Homesick....

Passing through customs into the USA. "Are you carrying any fire-arms, sir".

"Why, what do I need?"


"The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking." — Jonathon Swift

2nd May 2001, 16:45
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
"No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman’s butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she beings to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

ickle black box
2nd May 2001, 20:24
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the firstthing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it put onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A second man approached the Angel and asked to be let into Heaven. "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts curseing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable
to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

ickle ;)

Tail Heavy
2nd May 2001, 20:47
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire!!

Tail Heavy
2nd May 2001, 20:54
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

2nd May 2001, 21:37
What would have happened if, instead of three wise men it had been three wise women? Specifically, if it had been three wise Jewish women?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts.

But what would they have said when they left?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta-for-a-gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Virgin? I knew her in school!"

"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?"

2nd May 2001, 21:48
This classic is purported to be an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU (New York University), in response to the following question:


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single- handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

gas path
3rd May 2001, 03:11
Bloke goes to the doctor feeling very unwell, the doc checks him over and runs a few tests finally taking a blood sample.
"Come back and see me in two weeks please" asks the doctor.
Two weeks pass and the bloke goes back to the doctor still feeling poorly.
"I'm afraid I have some really bad news for you" said the doctor. "You've got GASH!"
The patient looking really worried says. "Oh my, is it serious?, What is it?. Is it contagious?"
The doctor replied "Well it's Gonnhorea, AIDS,Syphallis,Hepatitis and yes! it's highly contagious!"
The bloke thought for a while and then asked "Is there nothing you can do for me?"
"Well" replied the doctor "We can isolate you in a locked room and feed you pizza's."
"How will that help?" ask the patient.
"It's the only thing we can get under the door!" replied the doctor.

lone eagle
3rd May 2001, 03:40
What is the difference between Essex boy and Essex girl???

Essex girl has a higher sperm count. :)

3rd May 2001, 11:48
Chap shown into the Dr's office.
"Whats the problem Mr Smith asked the doc"
"IIIII'm haaaaving a bbbbbit of a problem wwwwith my jjjjob." said Smith.
" What do you do?" asked the doc.
" IIIII am an after ddddinner speaker" replied Mr Smith, with a bit of a struggle.
" I can see that your speech defect might be causing you a bit of a problem there." replied the doc. " Take your clothes off I will give you a complete physical then I will see what we can do about it."
After the physical, which confirmed that not only was Mr Smith otherwise in good health, but also that he was extremely well endowed, the Dr was looking thoughtful.
"What would you say if I said that I was certain that I could cure your problem but it would involve my taking a couple of inches off your penis and some intensive speech therapy." said the doc.
" Gggggo for it." Mr Smith replied happily.
Few moths later the Dr's secretary came in.
" That Mr Smith you were treating is back and wants to see you."
Mr Smith came in.
" Dr, firstly let me say what a pleasure it's been being able to talk properly at last. My business has really taken off big time and the money is rolling in. There is a small problem though. My wife is a bit unhappy and we were wondering if by any chance I could have my three inches back.
" NNNNNot a chchchance." replied the Dr.

3rd May 2001, 14:05
Not quite a joke - but a rather amusing true story:

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first
she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat", she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket
to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black.
One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was:
These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
"Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should
hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought:
My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do
you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

3rd May 2001, 17:40
ow's your physics guys?

&gt;The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
&gt;engineering mid term.
&gt;One answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues,
&gt;which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


&gt;Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs
&gt;Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
&gt;cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some

&gt;One student, however, wrote the following:
&gt;First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
&gt;to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
&gt;leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,

&gt;will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
&gt;As for how many souls are entering Hell,
&gt;let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some
&gt;these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
&gt;will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since

&gt;people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
&gt;souls go to Hell.
&gt;With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls

&gt;Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
&gt;volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature

&gt;and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
&gt;souls are added.
&gt;This gives two possibilities:
&gt;1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

&gt;enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
&gt;all Hell breaks loose.
&gt;2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase

&gt;of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
&gt;freezes over.
&gt;So which is it?

&gt;If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman
&gt;year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and
&gt;take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
&gt;relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell

&gt;exothermic and will not freeze."

&gt;This student received the only A.

No no, I said I want a land job!

3rd May 2001, 17:56
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.


"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily;
"What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father returning to the job at hand.

How do you explain to a caterpillar that it can become a butterfly, and will, regardless of its current belief system.

3rd May 2001, 18:46

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

3rd May 2001, 19:11
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.

Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"

Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."

Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"

Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"

Little Johnny: "Don't **** with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

3 putt
4th May 2001, 00:36
They say cats know how we feel..........they don't give a f*ck,but they know.

"My wife's an angel" says the barfly."You're lucky", says the other, "mine's still alive"

4th May 2001, 00:54
Once there was this big party and a midget caught a beautiful young lady's eye. So they talked and he ended up taking her to his hotel room. She thought to herself "wonder what it's like to make love to a midget." and so the midget told her "Lie down and close your eyes' and she climaxed many times before they were done.

She told the midget, "This is the best I've ever had." and the midget told her "Wait till I get my other foot in here"

1 of many
4th May 2001, 01:27
Bob Ayling

ickle black box
4th May 2001, 01:53
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that Granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that Daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life, he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.
He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Ed Winchester
4th May 2001, 03:55
At 7am, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary-eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen - drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a good reason for you coming waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"
"There is," he replies, "Breakfast."

Biggles Flies Undone
4th May 2001, 21:10
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."

5th May 2001, 17:03
Man is shown into the optomtrists office and sits down in the chair. He is clutching a shoe box on his lap. The eye man asks him what the problem is. With that the patient whips off the lid of the shoe box and holds it out for inspection.
" This is one of mine" the patient tells him.
The eye specialist becoming suddenly aware of a horrendous stench coming from the box is horrified to see the most enormous turd lying in there.
Recoiling hastily and trying not to breath in he said.
" Bloody hell it's not me you need to see it's a Dr."
" No No it's definitely you " the patient insisted " Every time I have one of these, my eye water like crazy."

ickle black box
7th May 2001, 23:51
A little boy walks up to his father and says,

"Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?"

Son, "Well, before?"

Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son."

Son, "well what about after?"

Father, "Picture a bulldog eating mayonnaise!"

ickle :)

ickle black box
8th May 2001, 00:30
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black".

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers. "What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

ickle :)

8th May 2001, 18:30
Young newly married Dentist was forbidden by his bride to go to any Dental symposiums or such seminars or to get-togethers with his mates because she had a pretty fair idea of what might also happen. Eventualy after much derision and ribbing from his mates in the third year the gloss having rubbed off the happy couple he was allowed to go on the grounds that he was falling badly behind in the latest orthodontic advances.
Getting to Pitsburgh the venue a full day ahead of his friends the young man had decided to find some suitably murky place to take them apres business.
After checking in to the hotel, he got into the cab and asked the cabbie to " Take me where the action is" The young cabbie appologised profusely and explained that he was a college student supplementing his fees and wasn't completely au fait with the local night life. He thought however that he might know somewhere. They finaly after a very long circuitous journey stopped in a very dingy alley opposite a large nail studded door, huge knocker and a small shutter. Having paid off the cab the dentist approached the forbidding door and taking courage knocked loudly. He soon heard the not un-enticing sounds of high heel shoes clicking on a marble floor approaching. The shutter slid back and he smelt a lovely perfume while a husky sensual voice demanded to know what he wanted.
He explained. A short silence ensued then the voice explained that this was a 'Private Club' and an entrance fee of 100$ was required. The fee was produced and handed over, the shutter closed and the footsteps receded, presumabley to complete the entrance requirements/membership card.
After 45 minutes he grew impatient and knocked on the door a second time. The footsteps returned and the shutter slid back.
The same voice asked what it was he wanted. Slightly irate by the long lonely wait he said testily
" I told you before. I want to get screwed!"
" What. Again??" the voice silkily replied.

8th May 2001, 19:28
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

8th May 2001, 20:19
Little Billy gets a new red wagon for his birthday, so he decides to
take it for a spin around the block. When he gets to the corner where the
bus stop is, he sees a preacher waiting for a bus. As little Billy stops
the wheel falls off his brand new wagon. Billy jumps out, kicks the wagon,
and says "Son of a B***h" very loudly. The preacher winces and says "Son,
don't say that, say 'Praise the Lord' instead". Billy looks at the preacher
kind of funny and puts the wheel back on the wagon and takes off around the
Soon, here comes Billy again up to the bus stop where the preacher is still waiting.
And as soon as he stops the wheel falls off of his wagon. Billy jumps out,
kicks the wagon, and yells "Son of a B***h". The preacher, now annoyed, says
with a sigh "Son, I told you, don't say that, say 'Praise the Lord' instead".
Billy mutters "yeah, yeah" under his breath and puts the wheel back on his wagon
and takes off around the block again.
For the third time, here comes Billy, preacher is still waiting. Billy pulls up and
sure enough the wheel falls off his wagon. Billy jumps out raises his hands to
the sky and says "Praise the Lord". The wheel jumps back onto the axle and the
preacher says "Son of a B***h"

ickle black box
8th May 2001, 20:25
A guy comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning. He has obviously had more than his share of some kick ass booze. His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation ensues:

"Where in the [email protected]<hidden> have you been!?"

"Hey, honey, I was just out having a good time!"

"Well, how much money did you spend!?"

"Ninety quid."

"WHAT!? Ninety quid! You asshole, do you know how long ninety quid would last me!?"

"hmmmm well....ya don't drink...ya don't smoke... ya got yer own pussy .... probably forever!"

ickle ;)

[This message has been edited by ickle black box (edited 08 May 2001).]

9th May 2001, 06:09
The kindergarden teacher got up in front of her class and said, "Today boys and girls, we're going to do a little experiment. I'm going to give you a Life Saver, and I want you to describe what each colour tastes like."
She distributed the candy to the children, then held up a green one. "Now class, what colour is this?"
Little Jimmy raised his hand. "It's green!"
"Very good Jimmy." "And what does it taste like?"
"Lime!" shouted little Jane from the front of the class.
"Correct! And what colour is this one?" she asked, holding up a red one.
"Red," mumbled little Harry.
"Very good, Harry. And what does it taste like?"
"Cherry!" yelled little Billy.
"Excellent! OK class, here's a hard one. This one," she continued, "looks like a yellow one, but it isn't. It's gold coloured. Can anyone tell me what it tastes like?"
The entire class was silent.
"I'll give you a clue. Bees make it."
No one ventured a guess.
"OK, here's another clue. It's something your mommy calls your daddy."
Suddenly from the back of the room little Tony yelled, "Quick, spit it out, spit it out! It's an a*****e!"

9th May 2001, 18:05
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya'be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we can't be havin' services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll be after doin' something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya'think £2,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jaysus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

9th May 2001, 20:16
A man is out driving along a back country highway and passes a sign which reads:

He thinks that it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives a little farther on and sure enough, there is a third sign:

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot he sees a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads:


He climbs the steps, rings the bell and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs posted while I was driving along the highway and so I was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," she says. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops in front of a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:

"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and close the door behind you."

He places the money in the tin cup. and trots eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back out in the parking lot, and facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

And here's another one...

Little Billy and his Dad were down at the airport watching planes taking-off and landing.

Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up I want to be a Pilot."

His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both son."

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

10th May 2001, 09:10
is your signature file in png pidgin ?
care to give us a translation , as i do not get further than : this fellow ??? same thing i ??? ??? ???
pls enlighten me.....

10th May 2001, 09:54
Two large gentlemen in a bar, their glasses are nearly empty,
'Your round' says one
'so are you, you fat ba****d! says the other

10th May 2001, 17:20
An elderly couple were dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man figured it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused ... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
hailstone... yes it is, but you can't translate Melanesian Pidgin any more literally than you can translate German or even, dare I say it (?) ... English! :)

So you need to look at it in a context, and it works out as follows :

"Dispela olgeta samting" - All this stuff
"i" - is
"pekpek bilong bulmakau" - excreta from a bull.

Got it now? :)

[Looks like I've finally got some business for Cadaver Inc! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif ]
Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

[This message has been edited by OzExpat (edited 10 May 2001).]

10th May 2001, 18:06
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. ...Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

(Apologies if it's been in before)

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers,holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says,
"Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the f**k do you think?"

Perky Penguin
10th May 2001, 19:46
What do you get if you cross a pig with (Insert the name of your unfavourite profession here)?

Answer - Nothing, there are some things even a pig won't do!

10th May 2001, 21:33
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the house building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two
brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

10th May 2001, 22:09
New to this site.How low do yer jokes go????

A couple on their golden wedding anniversary return to the hotel they spent their honeymoon in for a night of passion. The husband is lying in bed when the wife walks in wearing a sheer negligee.She gently whispers " All those years ago when you saw me stood like this on our honeymoon, what did you think?" Hubby replies " In a moment I'm gonna suck all the life out of your breasts and then shag you stupid" Wife " So what do you think now??" Husband " I made a bloody good job of it!"

Whats the difference between women and fridges? Fridges don't fart when you take things out.

Michael Jackson is in the maternity ward at the birth of his second son. He looks at the midwife " So how long till it's safe to start having sex?" midwife replies " I'd atleast wait until he can walk"

where do essex girls buy their knickers??? C+A

A fresh out of Sandhurst Lt arrives at his first regiment where he is greeted by his CO.
CO says " after duty do you fancy joining the rest of us at the mess for a bit of a piss up?"
Lt replies " Sorry Sir thats not my scene I don't drink"
CO " Well not to worry, how about Monday? We'll get a few local girls in and have a bit of an orgy?"
Lt " Sorry Sir thats also not quite my thing"
CO " My god man are you gay?"
Lt "Definatly not Sir"
CO "Well no point inviting you on Thursday then!"

10th May 2001, 22:14
And finally.

How do you make your girlfriend scream at orgasm??? Wipe your knob on her curtains.

10th May 2001, 22:24
VELVET-you asked for it.....
you got it

:) :) :)


11th May 2001, 17:36
Howz this for cute ...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the very impressed teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the eller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuhking wood", replied the little girl.

[Editted to get around the server's censorship police... http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif ]
Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

[This message has been edited by OzExpat (edited 11 May 2001).]

Rallye Driver
11th May 2001, 18:47
An Essex girl is going home with her boyfriend, who is showing off after drinking copious quantities of lager – and they have a terrible car crash. He’s killed outright and she’s trapped in the wreckage.

The Fire Brigade come along to cut her out and a paramedic crawls into the wreckage to give her first aid.

"Just lie still and tell me where you’re bleeding from." he tells her.

"Romford," she replies.

11th May 2001, 21:29
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted,
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

:) :) :)

[This message has been edited by Pezah (edited 11 May 2001).]

Hersham Boy
11th May 2001, 21:50
An egg and a piece of bacon are laying in the frying pan:

Egg: "Hot in here, isn't it?"
Bacon: "F*ck me - a talking egg!"

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

11th May 2001, 23:38
My apologies beforehand http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/redface.gif this one's a little rank, but it's the only one I know...

There once was a man who'd been left to raise his son after a particularly nasty divorce. He wanted his son to stay on the right track and avoid women who might lead him astry as he had been, so he devised a scheme...
He told his son that women had teeth in their vaginas and that they'd eat his willy if he had sex with them. The boy grows up believing the story, getting good grades, and staying away from women--just as his father had wished.
Finally, the boy goes off to college, where he meets a lovely young woman who takes a shine to him. She pursues him with the artistry of a master and finally the young man agrees to be her boyfriend. Many long months pass--the young woman persuades him to marry her. The boy, being quite naive, agrees without a second thought.
They are married and whisk themselves off to a romantic little bed & breakfast by the sea. As the night grows old--the woman begins to get anxious because her new husband won't touch her. She insists that they consumate their marriage and the young man goes all pale; mortified...

"Oh no! No, I know what you've got between your legs..."

The woman, utterly baffled..

"What in the world are you talking about?"
The young man responds "Teeth! You've got teeth in there!"

The young bride struggles not to laugh so hard she cries and finally offers her new husband a comprimise.

"I'll tell you what, I'm going to lay here on my back and you can thoroughly inspect me; if you find any teeth--we won't have sex this night or any other".

The young man nods in agreement.

"But, if you do not find teeth, then we 're going to consumate this marriage right then and there."

The young man, still a little leary, relents and kneels between the knees of his new bride to inspect her genitals.

After much probing, prodding the young woman asks,

"Well, are you satisfied? You see clearly that I have no teeth in my vagina."

The young man looks up from between her legs, a look of great concern on his face,

"Well, sure, there are no teeth here now--but with this kind of gum disease...."


"You did WHAT"?!

12th May 2001, 00:41
bwahahahaha - Mriya that was great.

Don't apologies hon - great to see you back and on form.

How do you explain to a caterpillar that it can become a butterfly, and will, regardless of its current belief system.

12th May 2001, 07:15
[quote]Don't apologies hon - great to see you back and on form. [/qoute]


Thanks sugar--it's good to be back! :)

"You did WHAT"?!

13th May 2001, 03:23
Man comes home after work to find grim faced wife.
" Your son is upstairs in his room. He was sent back from school for having sex with another pupil. You had better go and speak to him"
Man wearily climbs stairs.In the room 16 year old son is on his bed knees drawn up to chin looking pretty gloomy. Dad sits down on the bed.
" Son" he says "I do feel a bit guilty about this. I had really meant to discuss the birds and the bees before now but I guess you beat me too it. Listen if there is anything that you would like to know now go ahead and ask." Son silently shakes his head.
Dad then gives a little lecture about saving it for the right person, dangers of pregnancy, disease etc, all the while secretly thinking. " the little stud, chip of the old block" Finaly after the talk he cant help himself, smiling he said to the boy.
" Well son how was the first time?"
Son replies
" Bloody hell Dad I won't be doing it again in a hurry , Hurt my arse something cruel"

13th May 2001, 18:09
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm fuhking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, say your callsign!"
Unknown Aircraft: "Your callsign"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

monkey boy
14th May 2001, 01:44
Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it

Polygamy is having more wives than you need.

So is monogamy

Capt Homesick
14th May 2001, 04:15
The other variant:
Unknown aircraft: "I'm bored."
ATC: "Last transmission, say your callsign."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm not that bored." :)

Radar Departure2
14th May 2001, 07:01
Or Version 1.3:

Pilot: "I'm f*cking bored"

ATC: Say callsign?

Pilot: "I said I'm f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid.."


Dave Incognito
14th May 2001, 07:10
A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby

The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said that she had.
With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because
Qantas always pulls out on time."

Flying is easy - just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Back Course Bandit
14th May 2001, 12:55
(Q)What do you do if u come across an Elephant in the jungle?

(A) Wipe it off and apologise.

(Q) What do you do if an elephant comes across you?

(A) Swim.

;P ;P ;P

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems" - Homer J. Simpson

Turned and Slipped
14th May 2001, 17:23
A Mother had three virgin daughters and they were all getting
Married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good
till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her
husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy
for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting
were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week & both ways."

Mom fainted...

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

14th May 2001, 19:55
An Eskimo sitting in a kayak was cold but when he lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A vulture carrying two dead racoons boards an aircraft and the flight attendant says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed."

Did you hear that NASA put a bunch of Holsteins up into orbit? They call it the herd shot 'round the world.

Hersham Boy
15th May 2001, 13:08
Two pieces of string:

String#1: "Are you a piece of string?"
String#2: "No, I'm a frayed knot"

15th May 2001, 18:17
Here's one for current and former Air Force types out there...

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that the Herc continue to fly straight and level...

After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?"

The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee."

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

Cessna Boy
16th May 2001, 00:01
My Turn Now. Short but sweet one!!

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Cause his dick was stuck in the chicken!!

Hersham Boy
16th May 2001, 16:54
This is a beaut:

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day, he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit p*ssed-off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then, he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You
sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time, Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front, and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way

Hersham Boy
16th May 2001, 16:56
Why did the punk cross the road?

Cos he was stapled to the chicken.

Biggles Flies Undone
17th May 2001, 00:13
Shaggy - newly discovered lyrics:

[Sound of door knocking]
"Shaggy, are you in there?"
"Uhm, I'm eh, busy right now.."
[Door opens]
"Oh my god!"
[Singer begins] "Oh No..." Momma came in and she caught me one handed, Dreamin' 'bout the girl next door.
Picture this, I was workin' that gherkin, Should've locked the bedroom door -
How could I get caught while I was pickin' up a pound of meat,
All this time, she was standin' there, I'm polishin' my good friend Pete.
When you are a young man you need a little thrilla
Keep a dirty magazine underneath your pilla
You never admit when you tenderise your steak
Or when you been wrestlin' with the one eyed snake.
A box of Kleenex on the counter - I wasn't neat
A tub of lotion on the sofa - to beat my meat
Hear my breathing getting louder - I was in heat
All 'a sudden it was over [Drum Fill]
Momma came in and she caught me one handed, Lookin' for the unicorn.
Picture this, I had roped that pony,
Had him in a tug of war -
How could I be cas-ual while the general salutes my feet,
And the bishop he wa standin' there shiverin' for lack of heat.
Can you tell that I'm embarrassed for the shame that I caused?

So that purple-headed warrior will have to be flogged..
When you start to stimulate your little fella
You're strokin' that bat to a picture of a bella
You'll never get a real woman, ain't no way
But you can play choke it with the chicken all day.

17th May 2001, 06:16
A mousy little guy was standing on a street corner when a car pulled up and a huge bunch of muscles climbed out The big guy walked over to the little fella and said:
"Can you hnell me how hnoo get hnoo Hneeder Hnreet?"
The little mousy guy just looked at him and didn't reply.
The muscle man tried again: "I'm a hntranger in town and I'd like hnoo know hnoo get hnoo Hneeder Hnreet."
The little guy was becoming visibly nervous, but still didn't respond.
"Hnesus Hnrist!" exclamed the big man. "Will you hmplease hnell me how hnoo get hnoo Hneeder Hnreet?"
The small man still offered no response, so the muscle man turned in disgust and walked down the street where he accosted a policeman.
"Offihner," he said, "I asked that little hnon of a hmitch hnree hntimes how hnoo get hnoo Hneeder Hnreet and he wouldn't even hmpeak hnoo me! Would you hmplease hnell me?"
"Sure,' said the cop. "Go straight down this street three blocks, turn left and the first street you hit is Cedar."
"Hnank you very hmunch," and the the big man departed.
The cop walked over to the little guy and said, "That fella was a stranger in town, why couldn't you tell him how to get to Cedar Street?"
"Hnesus Hnrist, offihner, you hnink I wahnned hnoo get my hfnuckin head hnocked off?"

17th May 2001, 11:56
Why did the blind chicken cross the road?
To get to the Birds Eye shop.

Why did the hairy chicken cross the road?
To get to the barbecue....


17th May 2001, 14:51
In the USA, there is a very special magic slide.

On certain days of the year, people slide down this slide whilst shouting out something that they would really like. On these certain days, whatever they shout out they will land in at the bottom.

Anyway, on one of the special days, there was a large queue of people waiting to slide down it.

One little girl, climbed to the top of the slide and shouted "CHOCOLATE" as she slid down. Lo and behold, she landed in a huge pile of chocolate bars.

A lady slid down and shouted "DIAMONDS", and, sure enough, a large pile of precious stones were there waiting for her at the bottom.

Meanwhile, a little boy had joined the queue, not realising that there was anything special about the slide on that particular day. He climbed to the top and slid down. "Weeeeeeeeee!", he shouted. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif


Biggles Flies Undone
17th May 2001, 15:55

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

17th May 2001, 18:20
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

3 putt
18th May 2001, 03:39
And some more.......
....Why are women like condoms?...because if they're not squeezing your c*ck,they're in your wallet!

What uses 20 gallons of petrol without even moving?.....a buddhist monk!

Mate of mine dropped out of final year medicine.......he just could'nt stand the sight of cash!

18th May 2001, 07:27
Little Guido was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another. After the fifth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know that eating all that candy isn't good for you. It'll give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat five candy bars at a time?"
Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own f*****g business!"

Dark Knight
18th May 2001, 08:51
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Tarek Nor
18th May 2001, 10:37
Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of
his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious
signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race! A
boon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy
o'a grace As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused grins and moves on to the next patient and
greets him.

He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some eat that want it, But we
hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous
beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae
hasty, Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What sort of ward is
this, a mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor. "It's the Serious Burns unit."



ickle black box
18th May 2001, 15:19
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

village flyer
18th May 2001, 15:44
Along the same lines........

A young lad was not sleping very well one night, and of to the parents leaba (bed) he went.
Restless, he notices that the ma and the da a both naked, Inquisitive he begins to ask about the touchy feely bits.
Noticing his mothers ample hooters he asks "what are they?", not wanting to be bothered the mother says "they are my head lights, son".
Working his way down he sees the mothers finly trimmed hairy mairy, he asks "what is that?". Again the mother pawns it off as being "her patch of grass".
Switchin' his attention to the father he noticed his well endowed schlong, "daddy daddy what is that?".
"Hey son, thats my pet snake, now go to sleep".
Not long after the young lad nods off.
After about an hour the boy wakes up and is in shock at what he sees, roaring now at this stage he exclaimes "mammy, mammy quick, turn on the headlights there's a snake in the grass"


tony draper
18th May 2001, 16:31
One of our female Olympic Javeline throwers, failed her urine drug test again today, she couldn't get her nob into the sample bottle . ;)

18th May 2001, 17:00
So here I am with this offering to all females (just wish I could offer more ! :) ) ...


I'm not your type - I'm not inflatable A hard on does not count as personal growth Do I look like a fuhking people person? If I throw a stick, will you leave? Did the aliens remove your anal probe? See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality Okay, okay, I take if back, unfuhk you! Not all men are annoying. Some are dead Too many freaks, not enough circuses And which dwarf are you? It's not the size that counts, it's the ... no, it IS the size

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

19th May 2001, 06:56
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*#k was so long he could suck it.
As he said with great glee,
As it hung past his knee,
"If my nose were a c#*t I could f#*k it" :)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:08
A woman is having her 90th birthday with a huge celebration in the
village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police and a reporter
from the local newspaper. He wants to know how she managed to have
such a long life.

She tells him about her fulfilled life - and about the 3 beers and 2
cigars she has each day. 'Not to forget a healthy and active life
keeps my circulation going' she adds.

The reporter curious now, asks deferentially, "So when was the last
time you made love, Mam ?"

"Well, let me think - made love - the last time I did that was around

"Whoa," the reporter says, "but that's a helluva long time ago."

"You think so?" The woman replied and checks her watch. She
continued on and said, "But it's only 20:15 now!"

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:15
Subject: Why Parents go GRAY!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the
small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the
person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one
there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, h's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what? Asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:24
Maths practice for accountants
18 into 54?

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife.

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to
learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.

Your Husband

When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:38
Not so much a joke as a funny story:

Ricky Martin's Surprise
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a popular Surprise Game Show. She idolised &gt;teeny-bopper PopStar "Ricky Martin", and it was arranged for TV cameras to be discreetly
placed throughout the house.
The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe
in the girls bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise when
she returned home from school. Meanwhile, the parents were in the show's studio, in front of a live studio audience. Upon returning home from school, the daughter didn't go straight to her room and open the
wardrobe as expected. Instead she began to investigate the house, calling out the
names of her family to establish who was at home. Having established that she was on her own,the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a large tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back
upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to quickly remove all her clothes and spread the pate all over her naughty bits (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing
a nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs to settle down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". The broadcast is abruptly cut. A set of acutely embarrassed parents are left in front of a deadly
quiet studio audience, while a few million Spaniards sit in front of their
TV's and p_i_s_s themselves with laughter.
Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:48

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 14:58

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just
say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 years.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a
fruit, not a color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the

We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:08
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say
the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:14


17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the cheque before we go back to my place
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.


17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:22
Why men stand and pee:::

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had
two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split
them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the
things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while

"It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, whom he found
lying under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be
able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh
please, oh
please, oh
please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working
in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and
let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh
please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee,
oh please...
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just
smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he
should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him
and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
while in a vertical position.

Adam was happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the
tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Org*sms....."

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:27
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!

Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you
will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:32

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force
cat' mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water
down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:37
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can! (But
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;DON'T scroll down too fast). Say the answers in your head.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;What is:
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Got it?
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Now scroll down...
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The number you picked was 7, right?
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Isn't that weird???
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the ollowing
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or suprise.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;and as quickly as you can (but not too fast, you might miss
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;What is:
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Then scroll down.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Keep going.
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;You're thinking of a carrot right?
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;when given this exercise

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:42
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into
a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting
his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, Mind if I
speak to him?"
KIWI: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi)
Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn
to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (look of total amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a farkin" liar!!"

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:47
Andrew's Christmas Cake Recipe

Christmas fruit cake recipe

1 cup of water 2 cups dried fruit
1cup brown sugar 1 tsp salt
1 cup of sugar 8 oz nuts
4 large eggs 1 tsp baking soda
Juice of 1 lemon 1 bottle of whiskey

Sample whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still
okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to
the bowl and chuck in the dried friut. Mix on the turner. If the dried
fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it lose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of
sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the
cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window,
check the whiskey again and go to bed.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:52
Men Jokes for the Ladies (and broad shouldered guys)

Men are like department stores..... their clothes should always be half

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers.... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers.... load them with beer and you can take them

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right
for the hips.

Men are like coffee....best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all
night long.

Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually

Men are like plungers....they spend most of their lives in a hardware store
or the bathroom.

Men are like cement....after getting laid, they take a long time to get

Men are like laxatives....they irritate the **** out of you.

Men are like parking spots....the good ones are already taken and what's
left are handicapped.

Men are like snowstorms....you never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long he will last.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odorous and don't work half the

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never been done.

Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay'em properly the first time, you can walk all over'em for years.

What do you call a man with half a brain?


Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
Because those men already have boyfriends

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Feeton Terrafirma
19th May 2001, 15:57
These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the
July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: The spelling is exactly the
way it appeared in the magazine
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never
quit a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees let to
work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
.... and what better accompaniment for quotes from real resumes than
quotes from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

20th May 2001, 10:44
Geez, I'm glad you got THAT out of yer system, Tarbender, ol' mate! Here's just ONE to keep you going fer a while, you non-PPRuNeaholic, you! :)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding 200km/h on a 120km/h zone and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure, here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened ... no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying @<hidden> told you I was speeding, too.

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

20th May 2001, 15:57

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:02

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:08

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:14
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:19
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:24
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit,and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, "An apple."

"No, Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my
pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:30
A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"

"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake."

"What kind of cake did you make him?"

"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:34
Two television actors feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar just off Broadway. The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 'By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!' The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 'Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:39
A little girl was watching cartoons on tv, and a porno came through!! She asked her mom, "mommy, what are they doing?" Her mother replied, "honey, they're making a cake" "oh" was the little girl's reply! The next day, they went for a walk in the park, and the little girl saw a couple making out. She said to her mother, "look mommy, they're making a cake." Her mother replied with, "thats right sweetie." The next moring quickly came, and the little girl said to her mother, "mommy, you and daddy we're making a cake last night." The mother replied, "how did youu know?", and the little girl replied, "cause I licked the icing off the sofa"!!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:46
Three generations of prostitutes, daughter, mother and grandmother were all living in the same house. One morning the daughter comes home totally knackered after a hard night's work. She says to her mother and
grandmother, "You know, times are really getting hard. I just had to give a bloke a blow job and all I got for it was ten bucks".

The mother says, "You should consider yourself lucky - in my day all I got was two and sixpence".

The grandmother looks at both of them and says, "You two should consider yourselves lucky -- in my day we were happy just to have meat in our mouths and something warm in our bellies.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:52
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room, and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when a you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 16:58
One day a boy comes home from school and says, "dad i need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realisticly for school." So the father replies, "go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars." so the little boy go's and asks and sure enough she says yes. his dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. so he does and sure enough she says yes. so the father says, you see son hypothetically we are sittig on 2 million dollars but realisticly we are living with a couple of whores."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:01
A lady went to the doctors after one night of having sex with her husband. She complained about not having as much sex as she wanted so she asked the doctor if he could do anything about that. The doctor gave her a jar of over 500 pills in it, and told her that each pill equaled 1 hour of great sex. She thanked the doctor and went home. That night she gave her husband one pill. They had one hour of great sex just as the doctor told her they would. The next night she gave her husband 5 pills and they had 5 hours of great sex. The third night she gave her husband all of the pills. The next morning the doctor called and the little boy picked up the phone and said,"Yes." and the doctor said,"So how are things around the house going?" The little boy replied," Well my mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, my dog ran away, and my dad is running aroung the house saying here kitty, kitty, kitty."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:09
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:14
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place
of his regular teacher. She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy" A few days later the regular teacher
is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Little Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher
"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".

"That's right" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Feeton Terrafirma
20th May 2001, 17:15
Have You Ever Wondered???

1. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
2. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
3. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
6. How is it possible to have a civil war?
7. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
14. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
15. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

20th May 2001, 17:19
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:25
Little Johnny Counting
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"


"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:31
Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your butt with your penis?"

"No," replies Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not big enough," explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"No," says Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.

"Then go **** yourself... these are my cookies!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 17:53
The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:00
You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her **** .
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:05
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:11
Inventions bound to fail

*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards
*A dictionary index
*Mechanical pencil sharpeners
*Dehydrated water - Just add water
*Waterproof tea bags
*The helicopter ejector seat

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:17
"My husband and I conceived in the missionary position," said the brunette, "so our baby will be a boy."

"My boyfriend and I conceived in the female-superior position," said the redhead," so we're having a girl."

As the blonde listened to the two women's conversation, she suddenly burst into tears. "My god!" she cried, "I'm having puppies!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:27
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:32
Clinton Truths

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?" Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer was answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:43
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in a man's semen as there is in sugar?

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class and never returned.

However, as she was going through door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:48
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.

I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.

If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??!"

The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 18:55
The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20th May 2001, 19:02
An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.

"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...

We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Capt. Horatio Slappy !!
21st May 2001, 11:37
Hey Feeton !
I guessed " 10 " on the first quiz, not 7 and I guessed a bloody Apple not a carrot on the second.
What does this mean altogether?
( Chorus of multiple voices ) " What does this mean?"

ickle black box
21st May 2001, 15:53
dingducky - Are you vying for the most consecutive posts in a single thread ?? Last count was 15, followed by another close call with 14. Have you found a way to hack through pprune flood control, or are you pprune's most dedicated poster?? This is of course is in addition to 7 new topics in a row, for which I'm also sure you hold the pprune record!!

Anyway, here's my simple attempt for a joke (of course copied present pprune stylie from a jokes page on the net)

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a six-foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and
jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

ickle ;)

Feeton Terrafirma
21st May 2001, 16:31

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I
decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was
an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a
stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a
with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 50 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

I'm not a PPRuNe addict. (just need one more post)

Send Clowns
23rd May 2001, 04:05
Some of you may have heard this before from me, as it's a particular favourite :)

A bus full of nuns is involved in a crash, and unfortunately many of them are killed.They find themselves in an orderly queue at the pearly gates, waiting to enter heaven.

When the first nun's turn comes to speak to St Peter he says to her, "Sister, I know you are a nun but I have to ask you this. Have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun replies, "St Peter, I must confess that yes, I once touched a man's penis with this finger" holding up her index finger.

"Wash your finger in this font of holy water, Sister, and pass on into heaven" says St Peter, then passes on to the next nun. "Sister, I know you are a nun but I have to ask you this. Have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun replies, "St Peter, I must confess that yes, I once touched a man's penis with this hand" holding up her right hand.

"Wash your finger in this font of holy water, Sister, and pass on into heaven" says St Peter, and he steps up to the next nun.

At this point there seems to be a scuffle further up the line. One of the nuns seems quite insistent that she wants to jump the queue, so St Peter takes a few steps up to talk to the nun and calm her. "Sister, there is no need to push. You will each come to your turn, and you have an eternity to experience heaven. What is the problem?"

The nun replies indignantly "I'm not going to gargle with that when Sister Mary's had her arse in it!"

'Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air'

Hersham Boy
23rd May 2001, 14:27
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set and I think I need a Lear jet

Spuds McKenzie
23rd May 2001, 16:20
This couple is doing it all night, until around 4am, when the bloke says:"You won't see me for a while, honey." "Why? Are you going away for business?" "No. I'll take you from behind now."

"say again?"

23rd May 2001, 18:27

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear?" and you said "Christ!" and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: 2.50
Hand Job: 10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

24th May 2001, 15:56
A goldminer walks out of the wilderness into the bar in rough Yukon mining town. Going up to the bar, he throws down a gold nugget and says ' Give me two beers and the roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon'.

The barman slides two bottles of berr along and tells him to go up the stairs and into the first room on the right. the miner follows the instructions, kicks the door open, and says 'I'm looking for the roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon'.

A naked woman jumps out of bed, looks at him, and then turns round and bends over and touches her toes. Amazed, the miner asks 'How did you know I wanted it that way?'

She replies 'I didn't, but don't you want to open the beer first?'

Pilot's sex kitten
24th May 2001, 16:36
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So
twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for
the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A little of what you fancy does you good...but a lot makes you feel ecstatic.

24th May 2001, 16:54
Bill & Ben are in the bath!
Ben emerges from under the water & says..
Bill says 'if you loved me you'd swallow that!'

Damn.. I knew everyone had heard it!

monkey boy
25th May 2001, 01:25
God, after having created Adam took him to one side and told him:-

"I've given you a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to work one at a time"

monkey boy
25th May 2001, 01:42
Boyfriend and Girlfriend are talking.

Girlfriend turns to boyfriend and says
"Honey, how do you spell paedophilia?"

He replies

"My that's a big word for an eight year old"

25th May 2001, 02:24
Guy goes to the doctors, says he's feeling a little run down.

"How often do you have sex with the wife ?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, once or twice a day" the man replies.

"And the mistress ?"

"A couple of times a day", he admits

The doctor is looking quite impressed but also a litle disturbed:

"What about the Au Pair ?" he asks

"Maybe two or three times a day"

"Good God, man, you're 80 years old ! - you're killing yourself !! You should take yourself in hand !"

"Oh, once or twice a day..."

25th May 2001, 21:02
A woman is at the checkout of her local supermarket. After scanning a few items the young man at the register looks up at her and says "You're single".

"That's right" she replies.

After scanning a few more items he looks up again and says "You also live by yourself."

"I'm impressed" she says. "You can tell that I'm single and live alone just by the items I'm buying".

"Well actually, the items you're buying have nothing to do with it" he says. "You're the [email protected]<hidden>#$ing ugliest woman I've ever seen!"

[This message has been edited by Need4speed (edited 25 May 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Need4speed (edited 25 May 2001).]

25th May 2001, 21:41
Two Englishmen and an Arab are stood talking one day.
First Englishman says I have 10 daughters with anther one I could have a lovely all girl football team
Second Englishman says I have three strapping sons and with another one I could coach my very own rowing team
The Arab says I now have 17 wives.With another one I could finish the golf course I've always wanted

26th May 2001, 04:14
so anyway, afterwards the guy sez..

"If I'd known you were a virgin I'd have taken my time"

and the girl sez..

"If I'd known you were in a hurry I'd have taken my tights off"

26th May 2001, 04:55
I've got a quacker of a joke here:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side!

They don't make 'em like that anymore :)

I spend most of my money on beer and women; the rest I just waste.

26th May 2001, 19:13

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater, Texas A&M."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is a dog's tail not looked at positively for its immense consistency? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone says to you, "a penny for your thoughts", and you put inyour two cents worth, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why does "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest one? If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? (This is my favourite!) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, but then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered ... what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?


There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

One of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

Dispela olgeta samting i pekpek bilong bulmakau!

27th May 2001, 12:21
&gt;  A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3
&gt;  months.  All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced
&gt;  to sleep where ever he could find meager shelter.  One day he came
&gt;  upon an old farm house.  In answer to his knock, an old Chinese
&gt;  gentleman asked "What do you want?"  "I have been lost in the
&gt;  wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights
&gt;  sleep in just as long.  May I stay the night?"  The old man agreed
&gt;  under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter.
&gt;  "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.
&gt;  "That's very good," said the man, "because if I catch you with my
&gt;  granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese
&gt;  tortures."
&gt;  The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was
&gt;  awestruck by her beauty.  Since he had been alone for so long and
&gt;  she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep
&gt;  their eyes off each other during the meal.  Later that night the man
&gt;  crept into her room and they had a terrific time together.  They
&gt;  were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather.
&gt;  Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and
&gt;  thought:  "That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand
&gt;  tortures"  He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in
&gt;  three months. Upon wakening, he felt an incredible weight on his
&gt;  chest.  He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his
&gt;  chest. On the rock was a sign that read:  "1st Chinese torture- 100
&gt;  lb rock on chest."  "This is lame torture" thought the man as he
&gt;  carried it over to the window and threw it out.  Then he noticed
&gt;  another sign on the bottom of the rock:  "2nd Chinese torture- Right
&gt;  Testicle tied to Rock."  Knowing that it was too late to catch the
&gt;  rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it.  Passing
&gt;  through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge:
&gt;  3rd Chinese torture:  "Left testicle tied to Bedpost!"

27th May 2001, 12:25
    A traveling salesman and a women were married for 40 years. When
they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40
years of marriage the woman never looked.

   However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got
the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1,874 in small bills. She closed
the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all
these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you
keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said: "I
guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth:

   "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in
the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road and the fact that you provided a wonderful life for us
financially...temptation does happen so I guess I can accept
that. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have
all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: "Well, whenever
the box filled with empties, I'd cash them in ."

27th May 2001, 12:31
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working
in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds,
the husband said  "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is
getting huge."
"I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick,
measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep, he said, "Just what I, thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very mad & decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
  That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his
  wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" 
The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold
"What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big
ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

27th May 2001, 12:37
Clinton Goes To Hell

Clinton dies and goes straight to hell.  When he gets
there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to
spend eternity.   He opens the first door and Bill sees
Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire
under him.   Bill says "oh no. That's not how I want to spend
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2.
There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured.
Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."
The Devil then opens door #3.  Behind it is Kenneth
Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on
her knees giving him oral sex.
Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks OK to me.  I'll take it!"
The Devil then says, "Good..... Hey Monica, you've
been replaced..."


27th May 2001, 12:45
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of Labatt 50 under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of
50 for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

27th May 2001, 12:51
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students
to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done.  Dad told him,
"That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but
Johnnie outdid them again.  He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained
to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly "well-endowed". This confused him.

That night, he asked his Dad,  "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but
mine is ten times bigger than theirs.
Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18."

27th May 2001, 12:57
Cultural differences explained:

Ausssies:   Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits:      Believe that you should look out for those people who
belong to your club.
Americans:  Believe that people should look out for and take care of
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies:   Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits:     Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits:     Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies:   Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
           to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits:     Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
Brits:     Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
           how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies:   Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
           every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits:     Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies:   Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

Brits:     Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Aussies:   Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
           in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
           in a backwards country.

Aussies:   Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
           the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
           bothered to sing them.
Brits:     Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
           the anthem.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits:     Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies:   Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits:     Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Aussies:   Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
           outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits:     Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
           are inherited things.
Aussies:   Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old
Brits:     Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Aussies:   Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits:     Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies:   Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies:   Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin
           Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits:     Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
           because they don't understand subtle humor.

27th May 2001, 13:02

      A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" 
      And the barman says, "No"
      And the duck says, "Got any bread?"    
      And the barman, "No"
      "Got any bread?"
      "I said N-O, NO"
      "Got any bread?"
      "For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!"
      "Got any bread"
      "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!"
      "Got any bread?"
      "Look, if you ask me one more ****ing time if I've got any bread
,I'm going  to nail your ****ing beak to the ****ing bar!!"
      "Got any nails?"
      "Got any bread?"

27th May 2001, 13:07
    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a
great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to
smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside
waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say
a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing
dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at
dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying
a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
  A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does
a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling,
and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence
at the table.
   All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table

27th May 2001, 13:12
A married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face
was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from
her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed,everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever
had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

27th May 2001, 13:18
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.  When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?'
The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'.
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.  Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'  That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will  give him a second to think it over.  So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?'  The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?' 
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.  He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer.' 
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?'

27th May 2001, 13:23
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do - drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.
If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...
well,you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No...

Demon: Ooooh, oh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Friday !!


27th May 2001, 13:28
Subject: The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is  satisfied that play is completed.  Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play  the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course.  The  experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to  well
formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other  courses they have played,
or are currently  playing, to the owner of the course being  played.
  Upset course owners have been known  to damage players equipment for
this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own

10. Players should ensure themselves that their  match has been properly
scheduled, particularly  when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to  become irate if they discover
someone else  playing on what they considered to be a private  course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged.  However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

27th May 2001, 13:34

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal
and  a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours  later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.  "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. 
"Astronomically, it  tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of  planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, Ideduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small
and  insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

"Watson, you fool, some bastard has stolen our tent."

27th May 2001, 13:39
Heaven and Hell
Heaven is a pleace where:
The lovers are italian
the cooks are french
the mechanics are german
the police are english
the government is in run by the swiss
hell is a place where:
the lovers are swiss
the cooks are english
the mechanics are french
the police are german
the government is run by the italians

27th May 2001, 13:47
Taken from a Long Island based newspaper contest. The requirements
were to use the words Lewinsky (the infamous White House intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unibomber) in a limerick.

Here are the 3 winners:

Entry #1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
who played on a flute like Stravinsky
T'was "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress,
and wipe that stuff off of your chinsky!"

Entry #3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.

27th May 2001, 13:55
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first
mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to
the second  mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back
and set it off with my foot.  When the bar comes down, I catch it in my
teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make
off with the cheese."  The second mouse orders up two shots of sour
mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the
first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect
as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to
my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of
the day."  The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse.  The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,
"I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."

27th May 2001, 14:02
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's
office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit
and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong
with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice."

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

27th May 2001, 14:09
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.  They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.  From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,
"You, foreigners!  Come in.  Come into my humble shop." So the married
couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd
be interested in.  They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex hero he was.  The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to
try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual
power.  In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw
him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,

- - - - - - - - - -

27th May 2001, 14:15
        A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a
tattered mix of leather rags.  His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his
earrings are big, bright feathers.

        He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an
old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk
gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at
you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

       Without missing a beat, the old man replies:  "Yeah.  Back when I
was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."


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