Best Prank

[Thirteen-Twelve]

What is the best prank anyone has seen played on someone in the services. Not just stripped naked and hosed down in the Sqn stocks something really funny.

[Albert on Tour]

Before my Albert days I was on Wessex Helicopters on 84 Sqn in Cyprus.

In order to set the correct tension on the tail rotor cables, you need an accurate temperature measurement inside the tail section. We used a very accurate probe thing.

I was walking across the hangar and my mate called me over.

'Ere, put that under your tongue a minute' he said, which I did.

'Blimey, your body temperature is a whole degree cooler than mine, mind you, I stuck it up my arse.'

[YakYak]

I have the utmost respect for an unknown member of a Wessex crew, stationed at Akrotiri in 1998.

The clever fellow managed to 'moon' into the bubble-window thingy on the side of the helicopter at exactly the same moment as 200 Air Cadets were posing - in front of said aircraft - for their camp photo.

Luckily, it was directly over the Camp Commondant's head.

Fantastic.

[B9]

Best Guest Night Prank

When foam fire extinguishers contained two separate liquids which when mixed together made foam you could put one in the cistern and one in the bowl of a toilet. In the inevitable rush to the gents at the end of the dinner (this was before the days of the'pee break') all the urinals and stalls would be used. The first to flush the toilet would be greeted with about 20 gallons of foam.

[flex won]

The following were used on one subaltern on one fateful Regimental Dinner night:

The front legs of his chair were sawn through, front to back, leaving about 2 mm of wood intact. On pulling the chair back, the legs remained stable but on pulling the chair underneath himself and sitting down, it collapsed. Narrowly missed putting his chin on the table.

Talc in his napkin. Oldie but goodie.

Obtained a diamond drill bit and drilled small holes in the bottom of each of his wineglasses. In order to prevent spillage he conscientiously downed the glass of wine. The mess stewards then promptly filled them. Repeat several times. Eventually someone told him to put his finger over the hole and not drink any more.

Had his main meal deep frozen and asked the chef to just 'show it to the grill'. Hence ill fated attempts to cut and eat his main course.

Decided he needed to go to the toilet. Place setting and chair removed. On return attempts to take a band members chair. No chance. A bar stool is found for him and he crouches over the end of the table. By this stage he is so inebriated, he is smiling and waving at the top table.

Leans over to one side to be sick but is spotted by the Mess Sgt who quickly whisks him out of the dining room.

Someone else does the toasts.

Next morning - a royal b0ll0cking for all. Roll the dice for extras.


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There is no spoon......

[Mystic Greg]

How about the cavalry officer who was offered the chance on a famil flight to fire the cannons on a Nimrod. ("I didn't know the Nimrod had guns." "Highly classified - they're hidden in the wing roots.")

Much thrilled at the opportunity, the major was sat in the Co-Pilot's seat and shown the 'trigger' (a PTT switch on the control column). Elaborate Clear Range Procedures were flown and the aircraft pointed in a safe direction. After a countdown from 5, the major pulled the 'trigger'......and the Flt Eng activated the stick-shaker. One very impressed major!

[AirfixPilot]

I heard a good one from a friend of mine who was helping out with the Lineys at Benson in their Wessex days.

They used to have to go up on top to check the gearbox whilst the rotor was going. One day Joe Bloggs is doing his thing when he whips out a few sachets of Tomato Ketchup and squirts it down the canopy in front of the crew inside. He then begins to bang feverishly on the top of the airframe. The pilot ****s a brick and shuts down, double-time.

Joe Bloggs is last seen running across pan with pilot in quick pursuit, laughing his head off.

[SlimJim]

During a flight over the North Sea a Dutch Lynx pilot spotted a catamaran dead in the water quite a long way from the coast. Getting closer, excitement grew because of the fact that on the catamaran a man and a woman were clearly visible making movements as if they were married. Especially forementioned pilot was hysterical with laughter and gave the couple 'the works' (couple of low passes, cooling down the lovebirds with some salty rotorwash). The couple made the international f***k-off gesture and the helo continued on its flight, at homeplate the pilot told everybody the story for about two weeks.

When everybody got bored with the bloke telling the story over and over again a letter suddenly arrived adressed to the commanding officer of the Dutch Naval Helicopter Group. Of course it was written by the colleagues who were in the same helicopter and the squadron CO was in on it. The pilot, however, was not and was summoned to the CO's office where he got to read the letter (we felt very much endangered by the behaviour of the crew of one of your helicopters, our privacy was invaded, our boat was damaged, bla bla bla) and was given a severe bollocking. He was told to write a please-excuse-me-letter and left the CO's office about ten inches less tall. After sweating on the letter for a couple of hours he bumped in to the CO who couldn't control his face anymore and they both rolled around laughing for about an hour.

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[MOA]

On the thread of dining in nights; dentist's anaesthetic gel spread generously around the rim of his/hers wine glass. Wait ten minutes and voila, one dribling Mr Vice!

Flying around the sunny Med, a Nignog crew come across a fancy yacht plus large buxom lady. Nignog returns for photos and takes registration details of yacht....Photos developed and Nignog crew, in a show of goodwill, send a copy of photos to the registered owner of the yacht. However, the wife of said owner was not very impressed!.....

[kbf1]

Send newly arrived subaltern to Chief Clerk asking for an ID 10 T form. Better still, in case he forgets, get him to write it down.

[john du'pruyting]

Lets not forget the old one about the MOD giving the army helicopters...

[Luft Hansit]

Or calling the crabs.....the Royal Air FORCE!!!

[Akwah_Plain]

AOC's Guest Night at Waddington....
VIP toilet pre-prepared with one half of foam extinguisher in trap & other half of chemicals in cistern. AOC (very polite) flushed after use - instant explosion of foam, one very damp AOC! He thought it a jolly jape though!!

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

I once told a mate that he would have a 'kin great time if he joined the RAF. Oh how I laughed when he signed on!! What a jolly jape.

[murphy]

Know of a story of a pilot a few years ago tasked with scattering the ashes of a lifelong Cambridge United fan over their ground from the hover (last wishes and all that).
After removing the lid of the urn, and tipping, he was immediately re-joined by half the contents!!
Arriving back at Oakington with bits still in his teeth Etc.,he endured the weeks of ribbing from colleagues with surprising good humour for him!!
Eventually someone asked why he was taking it so well, to which he replied,"I may have had some over my face,but I stirred a good two spoonfuls into the flight Coffee jar before I left"!!!

True story!

Regards
Murph

[This message has been edited by murphy (edited 26 January 2001).]

[BushrangerRed]

Navy Wessex crewmen apparently had a habit of climbing out along the fuselage in flight (after attaching the harness of course)and tapping on the cockpit window of the Squadron's newly arrived pilots.

NAP gets wind of it and obtains blank end of a crewman's harness ..... when the man knocks on the window, pilot smiles and waves the 'detached' harness clip at him ...

That rates!

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Free the world .. clear in live!!!

[Mystic Greg]

For credulous pasengers....the E-3 Rotordome Detach Check List, run before going On Station - to send the rotordome flying on its own over the surveillance area where it will report the radar picture back to the aircraft.

Followed after Off Station by the Rotordome Docking Check List, when the rotordome re-joins 'mother' accompanied by appropriate movements on the controls at the moment of 'arrival'.

So now you know the cause of (some of) those reports of flying saucers!!

[loaded1]

Aaah, the Nurses home. Endless source of comfort when detached to strange parts of the country (Cornwall, St Mawgan). After entertaining the inmates from the home at the mess we took our most inebriated,(semi-conscious, member back with them and staked him out on their croquet lawn, b@ll@ck naked, apart from his cap, legs akimbo and facing the senior matron's bedroom window.

How's the frostbite coming along Bob?!

[Fay Deck]

This wind-up occurred sometime in 1993 when the Wessex was used for multi-engine helo training on 2 Sqn at Shawbury.
One of the advanced sorties involved flying the Wessex at high AUW to experience the handling characteristics. Unfortunately, one of the less capable students overtorqued one at Chetwynd and it had to be underslung back to Shawbury by Chinook. The procedure stated that somebody had to board the underslung aircraft to apply the brakes when it was placed on the ground.
A particularly gullible student was selected to be the brakeman and told that he had to be on board for the whole trip. In case the Chinook had an emergency and had to dump the load the brakeman was told to collect a parachute from stores so he could bail out. Having collected his parachute the student then waited at the edge of the main dispersal at Shawbury for the Chinook to pick him up en-route Chetwynd. The Chinook duly arrived and our hero waddled towards it wearing his 'chute. Somebody then ran out to tell him about the wind-up and indicated the rather large audience watching from every available window facing the dispersal. A very red faced student then faced the longest short walk of his life.
Ironically, he is now a Chinook pilot himself. I'm sure he remembers the incident.

[It's Not Working]

Tip out Coffeemate, insert Powered Potato

[Albert on Tour]

Here are a few of the standard wind-ups that bored lineys torment the new boys with.

Send a guy out to switch on the windsock

…and while he’s there he could sweep the glidepath

or he could be sent to stores for a ‘Long Weight’ or a ‘Long Stand’

or perhaps the Med Centre for some Falopian Tubes

Blow up a poly bag, tie it off, and send him to the Oxygen bay with this sample for testing.

Check the voltage on the Vortex Generators

[Per Ardua Ad Asda]

St. Kilda, 100 miles off Scottish Mainland.

Four U.S. Service personnel walking the hill above the army rocket tracking station, had asked two passing squaddies in a land-rover, if there was any transport to take them back to their boat at the pier. The soldiers politely told them that a double-decker bus would be along in about ten minutes, if they waited several hundred yards around the next bend. They then drove ahead to set up a bogus bus-stop. The Americans queued patiently for 45 mins in the rain before they realised that they had been set up. The only transport on the island were 2 Land Rovers and a fork-lift truck!

:)

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Through Difficulties to the Supermarket....

[Top Bunk Tester]

There was a Loadie on Alberts in the dim and distant past that was unsurpassed at the on board prank. If the any of these are not down to him then apologies in advance.

1. Take a standard issue kit bag, bore a hole in the bottom and attach to floor point. Lock kit bag and wrap bodge tape around padlock until resembles football. On landing after a long leg, wait patiently as crewmember tries to offload bag (Alternatively just piss off with the wheels and leave him there)

2. Ensure full load of thick squaddies on board. Just prior to engine start Loadie One exits from rear roof escape hatch, ensuring that young squaddie is on no account to let Loadie Two refit escape hatch before he's back in. Loadie Two ignores squaddie and refits hatch. Loadie one enters a/c thru flight deck escape hatch and stays on flight deck for the remainder of the leg. No visitors are allowed on the flight deck. Loadie two continues to ignore the pleading of the squaddies. A/c completes leg and shuts down. Loadie One, now having changed into suitably shredded flying suit and sprayed hair to give the right windswept look, exits flight deck hatch and moves rearward and begins hammering on the rear escape hatch. Loadie Two opens hatch. Loadie One falls thru and proceeds to give previously instructed squaddie the bollocking of his life for making him hang on to the wing for the duration of the flight.

3. Same load out as 2. above. Captain comes down from flight deck and trailing two pieces of string and says to forward most JO "Hang on to these, the autpilots on the blink, whatever you do hold them steady, I'm going for a slash" After a while JO can't resist giving a little tug on one of the strings. Co-pilot reacts tenfold to the input, Captain returns with water down the front legs of flying suit and bollocks JO.

4. Shave the bristles off toothbrushes of any crew bags found unlocked.

[Top Bunk Tester]

Delete of repeat post

[This message has been edited by Top Bunk Tester (edited 28 January 2001).]

[Bob the Builder]

Akrotiki..many,many years ago ( circa '91 ).
Flt Lt Let's Not Name Him (Imber) trying to give the OM bar a fright with a moony staggers backwards only to stick his rear end through the glass! Several stiches later and once again he only had one a***hole!
Let's not tell his JMC passengers that one!

[Roc]

Had a brand new Co-pilot on his first C-141 trip to Frankfurt. Many crews liked to frequent the local houses of ill repute, and this new co-pilot had to get christianed. Next day, another crewmember who's brother was the flight surgeon at Frankfurt call the kid up to tell him about a very wicked strain of VD going around, the Co-pilot confesses he went out the night before, so the flight doc tells him he had to shave his privates and keep the clippings for testing when we returned back to the States. The flight doc assures the kid that the flight doc's Stateside had been notified that he would be coming in with his bag of clippings!!! Of course the Stateside Docs had no idea what this Leutenant was talking about and why was he walking around with a bag of shaved pubic hairs!!!!!

[Albert on Tour]

More Albert pranks.

Preparation:- Empty a can of minestrone soup, or spaghetti hoops or something like that into a sick bag.

Execution:- Pretend to throw up and then get a spoon and eat it back up again. Better still, have your neighbour in on the joke and he can eat it.

[zanussi]

This was told to me from a family friend who was an old ASCOT Capt. In the cockpit of a Britannia, on a dark night over the Pacific, the following conversation took place... New female ALM: Why is it that all pilots are required to wear ties? Captain: They actually use them if they get disoriented in bad weather. If they've lost all other references, they look at the angle that their tie is hanging to figure out the attitude of the aeroplane. The young loadie accepted that and left the cockpit to go get the flight crew’s coffees. As soon as the cockpit door closed the nav grabbed wire coat hangers and went to work. The completely confused ALM tries to invert her tray of coffees when she re-entered the cockpit only to find the entire flight crew had all their ties pointing straight up to the ceiling.

[EESDL]

Albert on Tour
Taking your 'Sick Bag' prank a little further:

Tell your colleague about their role in the prank but put instead of Minestrone/vegetable soup why not put actual sick in the bag!!

[AirfixPilot]

Albert On Tour

Again, a variation on the sick bag joke. Who's heard of re-fried beans? Just like the bean contents of 'baked beans' but without the tomato sauce. Mash 'em up - slap 'em in a tin. Mexicans eat them. Anyway...

Get a load of green flyers, going for thier first flight. Even, better, get one whose just got back and didn't like it (felt green!) Brandish your refried beans. Now the trick here is that cold refried beans smell and look just like CAT FOOD. Disguise your can with the wrapper from Whiskers Lamb & Jelly and begin to eat the contents. Waft it under their nose if they don't believe you. Try it!

[FE Hoppy]

From nimrod some years ago.
BBC reporter on flight deck.
Pilot"would you like to try the voice activated flight system?"
beeb "oh yes please"
Pilot gives beeb headset and tells beeb to say nimrod turn left
Beeb does this.
Nav puts a new steer in and auto pilot turns ac left.
repeat to right.
Later in sortie.
beeb "nimrod go to Kinloss"

[X-QUORK]

Whilst I was on tour in Bosnia mid 90's, we heard about an announcement made on a homebound R+R flight from Split - not sure if it was an Albert or not. Went something like this :

" Ladies and Gentlemen we're just about to enter British airspace, would all the female personnel aboard please note that they are officially ugly again. Thank you."

We also heard that the crew got a royal roasting, it seems a senior lumpy-jumper had a sense of humour failiure and reported them.

[TqNrT4NgGreenlightCWP]

An ex-RM, now AAC, pilot once handed out carrots to all his staff officer pax on their return flight in a Lynx while scurrying frantically around Germany pre-Gulf War - he explained that while they were at their meeting he had received orders to that effect, as there was going to be a severe shortage of Night Vision Devices in theatre....

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

X-QUORK

I’ve heard that one, but was told it was a Tristar captain on the way back from the Falklands. Maybe this should be on the Urban Myth thread.

Lovechild

[Flypro]

Picture the scene. Breakfast in the Wardroom the morning after a Mess Dinner. Very quiet apart from the occasional groan. In walks Lt ... full of the joys of spring. Sits down and noisily orders a full English with extra greasy eggs. The toast arrives and he pulls a knotted used Durex from top pocket. Undoes knot, inverts said condom and milks contents (cream or similar) onto the toast which he then eats.

....................................
Finge et Fuge

[opso]

Having landed at one of those little known (and to be avoided) airfields of Utah, we wait for 45 minutes for customs officials to chopper in from Salt Lake City. Seeing that we're hot & bothered, they tell the loadie that they only need to look in 3 cases: the captain's, the loadies and a n other. Whilst looking at them and chatting away, the loadie flips open his case to reveal... 3 chain tensioners, 5 passenger life-preservers and a towel! Two very bemused officials look on as the rest of us wet ourselves with laughter whilst telling the loadie that his kit is in a large blue rubbish bag behind reception at Sinbad's Motel in Gander.

[Albert on Tour]

opso

The loadie’s bag? Are you sure? Were there 2 loadies, one under training perhaps? I find it hard to believe that the front enders would dare.

Did any of you upstairs folk have any Tea, Coffee or Squash on the rest of that trip?


The threat of a TURD IN THE HAT – not a prank in itself, but guaranteed to make pranksters think twice before touching your stuff. Only ever had to do it once, usually the threat is enough. Remember, eye contact, you have to make them believe that you will crap in their hat or Nav bag if they piss you off.

'nuff said

[ShyTorque]

This one was reported to have been played on that famous "Goon", Sir Harry Secombe when he visited the forces in NI some years ago, during his flight in a Wessex.

Firstly, a crewman dressed as a waiter was pre-positioned behind the tail-boom curtain. He appeared during the flight to serve drinks.

Secondly, the crew began talking about possibly having to stop for passengers en route (HS was on intercom at this stage). At the pre-arranged spot, miles from anywhere, was a portable bus stop sign and a man in a rain coat standing by it. As the aircraft approached he held out his arm, the aircraft was landed next to the bus stop. The man climbed on, offered his fare and was issued with a ticket.

Sir Harry sat all the way through this with a bemused smile but without saying a word!

I don't know if he ever asked what was going on or if he was told..

[Strobin' Purple]

Hey Albert,

You sound like someone who's got CRM squared away. Must be a real pleasure to fly with you! Not.

SP

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Little known fact:

If, on a cold night, you go into someone's room, put all of his washing kit into the sink and pour a warm jelly over it and leave the window open to help it set it will take him hours to dig his things out again and get the jelly off! I once heard that someone did a tu*d into someone's sink, shoved their toothbrush in and then poured the jelly over - a bit mean I thought. :rolleyes:

[opso]

Albert on Tour,

Yes the loadie's bag. You know, the bag belonging to the bloke with the LM brevet. There was only one on board. He had been a civvy policeman and is now a pilot. He took it exactly as it was meant and as for consequences, well this was a southside sqn where being a loadie has more to it than catering and poor CRM and everyone pulls their weight. As there was no MAMS team and a manual off/onload, the whole crew lugged boxes around as needed in the same way that everyone takes turns to make the drinks. If you know the loadie I referred to, you may want to chat to him - I'm sure he'd be happy to explain to you what CRM means.

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Starting a rumour that penguins lean backwards and fall over when helicopters fly over them. Spreading the said rumour until scientists hear of it. Laughing when the RN and British Antarctic Survey Team spend 5 weeks on South Georiga and tens of thousands of pounds testing the theory, only to decide that it isn't true!

Imagine under 'Flight Details' in your log book - 'Scientific research - pi**ing off the penguins on South Georgia!' ;)

Next year they're going to repeat the exercise with fixed wing aircraft - I can see BEagle now, flying his VC10 low and slow over tens of thousands of penguins in the interests of scientific research :)

[This message has been edited by Nil nos tremefacit (edited 02 February 2001).]

[Tourist]

Penguin story is true, seen it with my own eyes in 83

[gravity victim]

SHOCK HORROR! PENGUIN TALES DISMISSED!

Apparently a top scientific investigation has reported in (on Radio 4's 'Today' prog this morning) that after formal observed tests by scientists,involving many runs at different heights by Lynx, no penguins could be made to fall over! Whole thing described as 'urban myth.'

Is this to be seen a shameful slur on the honesty,integrity, visual acuity, etc of Her Majesty's aviators? We must be told!

[ShyTorque]

What they have probably failed to appreciate is that they are now looking at second and third generations of very learned penguins. They now realise that by keeping their heavy eggs on their feet they still wobble over but bounce back up again once the aircraft has passed.

OR ...The ones that fell over and failed to get up were Argentinian dummy listening penguins.

Darwin rules KO (knocked over).

[Big Green Arrow]

Green and wet place over there in late '92.....72 Sqn Wessex lands next to an RUC Patrol...they get in, the co-pilot has raised his legs so they can't see them from the cabin.....pilot takes off, at height hands over to the co and having removed the yaw channel on the very basic afcs, unstraps and climbs down the inside of the cab....meanwhile the loadie has attached green comms cord to the yaw pedals, and the pilot continues to fly the ac using the comms cord. He then hands control to the loadie, goes down the back and climbs through the curtain and plugs into the intercom.....the crewman is now 'in control', moving the comms cord and telling the co-pilot which way to turn...he then hands the comms cord to the nearest RUC gadgey and watches him sweat as the ac leaps around the sky, the ac lands,(the co had his feet on the pedals so I'm told) and the RUC do one in the opposite direction, looking decidedly pale!

UP FOLA!

[L#cky Strike]

The snow fell once at Scampton and a grounded OCU crew decided to make a snowman. A rare creature soon appeared in a Land Rover - a Snowdrop who thought he had a sense of humour. To demonstrate his sense of fun, he ran over the snowman!

To show that they would not be daunted, the gallant aircrew rebuilt their snowman - around a concrete bollard and guess what, boys and girls, he fell for it!

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[kbf1]

Snowfall at Larkhill one cold Feb 93 which meant a 6' snow phallus just had to be built outside the front of the mess. Master Gunner (renowned for being a bit of a born-again Christian) comes in to make an announcement to YOs course while at brekky in the mess "Interesting snow sculpture gentlemen, it goes by lunchtime!"

Same week YO's berated by snr O bloke that YOs don't have any "spunk" these days. Same night drunken mob of YOs from all-arms famil course take a pallet of bricks and cement and build a rather wobbly wall in front of said snr O's drive. Had immense difficulty driving into work that morning so I hear.

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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic HERD!

[A109]

At Yeovilton on Mess Nights and Summer Balls
they used to swap the Gents Heads for the Ladies covering up the urinals so that the poor dears didn't get an attack of penis envy. The last "Gent" to visit before the switch, armed with a roll of cling film, lifted all the seats in the traps, covered the bowls with tightly drawn cling film and lowered the seats to await the inevitable wet screams.

[Albert on Tour]

At Halton in the mid seventies the senior apprentice entry armed themselves with spades & weedkiller and went to Whipsnade and cut a large knob on the Lion. Traces of which were still visible several years later.

[MightyGem]

Gazelle crew(2 Pilots) flying 1 pax around GDP area. Pilot needs a pee and lands in field, leaves rotors running, gets out and instructs his "crewman" to monitor the controls. Talking to the pax the "crewman" states that it's easy to fly a helicopter and proceeds to demonstrate; lurching into the air and acting like a student pilot on his first hover ex.

Aircraft careers arond the field with the pax frantically trying to give the "crewman" advice on how to get back on the ground.

[Gainesy]

A]Turn off overhead fan in mate's room.
B]Apply slack handful of talc, flour, or pepper(best)to top of each fan blade.
C]Exit.

[Charlie Luncher]

Tag team required
no 1 turn mates fan up to full
no 2 lob handfull of local shrapnel into blades

[TqNrT4NgGreenlightCWP]

Bright young thing returns from tour in Bos or wherever to his room in the OM at ETUO - to find it gone. His muckers had had the door bricked up, plastered over and decorated to match the rest of the corridor. Not the first time one would have seen a young woopert doing a 'Manuel' impression, but surely one of the best?

[Albert on Tour]

Gainsey

a) Establish who put pepper on your fan.
b) Put a turd on theirs

Charlie Luncher

Throw a turd in the fan.

[AirfixPilot]

Ah ha! The s**t has hit ze fan, no?

[Gainesy]

Charlie,
Not sure my sense of balance would be up to that :).
Cheers
Gainesy

[Albert on Tour]

In response to DIFF ident's plea for good news, let's keep threads like this one on the go.

Then we may look a little less like the miserable sods that we are, whingeing over pay & conditions.

[teeteringhead]

I think I convinced some pongoes once that they had "bump-started" my Wessex. I asked for assistance, claiming a flat battery, (Gough Barracks I think)and asked them to push. Once we started to move, I hit the brakes and the start button simultaneously. Well, perhaps you had to be there.

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tee-head

[only1leftmate!]

Newly graduated female education officer pitches up to Brampton for start of glorious career.

Instructed to see rock-ape sgt to book GDT.

Said rock sends keen and gullible WRAF to clothing stores for a DPM skirt.

Stackers unable to advise whether puttees should be worn with DPM skirt and send basket-weaver back to rock to be measured up for NBC knickers.

[jumpseater]

For the house sharers amongst you....
1.Wait til matey boy goes to bed and gets zeds in.
1a. Ensure landing light is turned off.
2. Open his door and turn his light on, retire to your room.
3. Wait for matey to return the compliment and turn yours on, with some added comments re your ancestors.
4. Repeat 2.
5. Yup he'll probably do it again.
6. Repeat 2, but maybe leave it 30 mins or so to 'simmer'.
7. Ah look he's back again.
8. He's probably a bit fed up by now so do it again immediately, on your way past your lightswitch don't forget to cover area around switch with shaving foam or gel.
9. Receive lecture about how you could have electrocuted him.

I take no responsibility for anyone harmed in replicating this trick which should only be played by consenting idiots. I no, I woz wun.

[ShyTorque]

Anyone else remember Albert Thirlkettle? He was a totally spurious junior pilot who the 72 sqn NI det commander never actually met.

Despite being dined in / out, having a locker, having complaints made against him, getting put on a charge, booking leave passes which said det cdr signed, etc, etc.

Albert will surely be coming up for retirement soon.

[Seat Stick Interface]

In the Falklands in 99 and we were scrambled to a comp a naval boat type thing. As usual down there it was a cake and @rse organised by the JOC.

Anyway I wrote a spoof Form R slagging the JOC, The Navy and a few personalities on the station. Finally added a few comments about dolphin spotting whilst on the job. Printed it out and signed the signal pad as sent. Faxed off the real one and left the spoof in front of sqn boss and flight commander. Both of whom wanted a quiet life.

After a few red faced angry threats and screaming at me by the boss asking whether I wanted a career any longer I finally cracked. But it was worth it to see the look on his face.

[ragspanner]

New lad advised on first day ,beware Mad Jack,he's in later.On Mad Jacks arrival,individual bound, Mad Jack (with much theatrics)decides it will be a good idea to "gently" run over him in a rover.Nervous laughter now subsiding.Held down,placed in close proximity to the front wheel ,just before bag pulled over head,spare wheel (with roaring engine accompaniment)rolled 'firmly' into the prone form.Oh those good old days !!!.

[BEagle]

Officers' Mess Visitors Book at Valley is proudly displayed in a glass case with the signature of 'Stavros' on display. Next day, PMC rings up one of the Gnat sqn bosses. "What the f*ck do your bl**dy studnts think they're doing. HRH's signature has been defaced; the book now says 'Best wishes to all my mates on ** course, Phil the Greek' " Sqn Cdr sends for Flt Cdr, Flt Cdr sends for senior student. "PMC is hopping mad - GO AND GET IT SORTED!!". Senior student and rest of course duly troop off to Mess to be met by apoplectic PMC. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??!!" he says.

Whereupon the scruffiest student of the lot says "No snag, Boss", opens the case, rips out the page and throws it in the bin. PMC is now in danger of making low earth orbit....until it is pointed out that the offending page was a carefully inserted photocopy and the real one is still there, unsullied as ever!! A few extra SDOs all round - but worth it!!


[This message has been edited by BEagle (edited 15 March 2001).]

[Snow Dog]

Situation: In bar with young, gobby, lager-drinking, been-there-and-done-it-all.
Solution: When said tool has gone to bog, top up his lager. Upon his return, observe with quiet satisfaction.

Hey, its only lager. What's the diff?

Or:

Capt on det in nice hotel. Swap nice 'Capts room' with co, nav or some steward's small room. Call hotel manager and complain about being in shi**y room and get even better one.

[ragspanner]

Chilli oil in the lip salve OR even better on the toilet roll,but if its someone you know & love have some liquid oxygen available to cool their ire !.Cam cream on the inside of the S10 eyepieces is fairly amusing.

------------------
A wise man thinks all that he says,a fool says all that he thinks.

[This message has been edited by ragspanner (edited 15 March 2001).]

[Descend to What Height?!?]

Some where in England. Monday morning. 8/8 StCu base 00ft, raining.
AC Bloggs pitches up for first day in ATC, to be met by friendly Sgt, who blasts him for being late as the flying prog can't start as he is the duty wind sock. Sgt instructs bloggs to go to SCAFF for kitting out. Bloggs sent to SCAFF where explains he is the duty windsock, got an angry Sgt on his back, and can he be issued with the correct kit please? Issued with one windsock, Day glow water proofs, S10 (to protect against jet eflux honest!). He is then told to report to the Met Office for training.
Met my SMetO, who instructs now bemused Bloggs on opperation of windsock. Hold in right hand, face runway and wave wind sock at passing aircraft.
Even more bemused Bloggs then told to report to MT to book out the duty wind sock bicycle so he can cycle to the threshold of the active runway.
MT are waiting for him with a rather old BSA bike covered in day glow patches.
Bloggs made to sign in triplicate for bike and read the special duty MT orders, before being issued with a FM600A for bicycles.
Bloggs then dispatched into the murk to find the duty wind sock area.

SATCO had a major sense of humour failure when the rain & vis clears to see Bloggs standing by the threshold of the runway, waving a windsock around.

Invertations to a hats on meeting that afternoon!
:)

[PlasticCabDriver]

Senior Pongo goes for a jolly on one of HM's finest Plastic Pursuit Ships (can't remember where) with rather tense and serious Major PSO in tow.

As soon as a/c settled into cruise, crewman goes to the back of the cabin, gets a can of beer and takes it to the pilot. 5 mins later, empty beer can comes flying back into the cabin.
Crewman gets another can and gives it to the pilot. 5 mins later, empty can comes back.
Crewman gets 3rd can and takes it upfront. Pilot takes out Autopilot, so a/c is now wallowing nicely around the sky. Sure enough, 5 mins later, back comes another empty can.
Crewman goes to get yet another can, turns round only to be forcibly restrained by said (now rather irate) Major who has unstrapped, got up, and is frantically shouting "FOR GODS SAKE MAN, HE IS NOT TO HAVE ANY MORE BEER!".
Turns round to find Senior Pongo and rest of party nearly dying of laughter.
Creeps red-faced back to seat...

------------------
PCD

[Swingwing]

A variation on a previous post....
Scene: Dunnunda in 1989.Airline strike on, RAAF is called into service to move paying civilian pax around. After a few weeks, start looking for ways to jolly up the milk runs. Decide in order to increase pax carrying capacity, flight deck seats on Fat Albert will be opened up for use. Purely by coincidence, in most cases the occupants turn out to be the best looking girls on the aircraft. Much fun had by rigging an "autopilot" by attaching a pink Marigold style washing up glove to the oxy hose and inflating with a quick burst of "test mask".
Attach to control column with instant airframe tape. Tell bint that said autopilot is voice activated and invite her to try it. First attempt at "turn left" in a quavering voice produces no effect. She is told that to prevent random cockpit conversation setting it off, it must be addressed as "Mr Hercules". Quite humorous seeing young lass driving aircraft around the sky - "Turn right Mr Hercules!". Co pilot has left hand casually resting on roll knob. Watch mouth drop open as Mr Hercules rolls into a big bank to starboard.....
There are many others, but space precludes their inclusion!

[Man-on-the-fence]

Swing

You have the whole of the WWW to use

Do tell :)

[Didntdoit]

This one has always amused me - I guess I'm about to find out if it falls into the category of 'urban myth', or not....


....so, it's a dining-in at a Norfolk base shared by 2 young swinging-winging squadrons and some older, wiser, flying gas station mates. After the speeches and the usual blah, the PMC says "Gentlemen, you may smoke", which is the cue for the older, wiser guys to reach under their wing of the tables, pull out a couple of large, F-off axes, and start to lay waste to their tables. After silence and the initial shock, the young swingers realise that cred is firmly on the line. "I say old chap", one FJ mate says, "mind if I borrow your axe?" "Why of course", is the reply, and you guessed it, in a blitz that would have wasted a dam or 2, tables on that wing are wasted.

This of course leaves the 3rd sqn in a rather delicate position, but, you guessed it again, high jinks win the day and faster than Hannibal can shift jumbos, more firewood is produced. All is calm. The CO doesn't say much, but everyone knows the rules - you can have as much fun as you likes, but pays you will! Therefore, although a great night was had by all, the word gets out the the CO wants to see the Ents Member from each of the 3 sqns on Monday, early doors.

Monday comes, and 3, sheepish looking, 'part-time' lumberjacks are ushered into the CO's office. "Right, says 'Arry", and drones on about wanton vandalisism, etc, abuse of Mess property, etc, knowing the limits, etc, and sums up, "...and I expect the 2 sqns to pay". This perks up 2 of the reps, "Did you say, "2 sqns" Sir?", "Yes I did", was the reply, "Tanker mate, thanks for a fun night, but don't go so far next time - be one your way!"

The 2 FJ geezers are gobsmacked, and at once blurt out, "With respect Sir, the Tankers started it, my Boss will not be happy!" Harry holds his hand up and stops them in mid-flow. "The older, wiser ones", he says, "saw 2 bargains in the antique fair, in the shape of 2 large tables, going for a song....you lot, however....."

I love the story - can anyone confirm , or deny, or tell me to.....

.....me coat!

------------------
....wasn't there, no one saw me!

[CRM?Not my bag, man]

1985, YUAS, first UAS to have a girlie intake (since the War). All the new intake were told that the high G-forces endured during aeros would cause the nether regions to leak. The blokes were told to go immediately to the Med centre to be measured up for, fitted and issued with their own "Paul's tubing" (open ended latex tubing), the idea being to ie a knot in the end and "fit it" prior to each trip. We even modified the outbrief to include mention of anti leak devices (I'll come to the girls' in a moment). The guys were informed that the only effective way to fit the tubing was to slope off to the bogs prior to walking for the ac, induce a hard-on and roll on the tubing. Obviously most blokes clicked straight away but one in particular was still in the habit A YEAR LATER of spending 5mins on the lav just before a sortie, and it wasn't even in the outbrief. He's been a QFI and a single seat FJ mate since but is still in so I won't tell you what he's up to now, but for those in the know the list is down now to only 3 blokes.
Right, the birds...
They were told to wear a cricket box stuffed with tissue. This would have the added advantage of preventing painful intrusion by and abrasion from the crotch stap on the seat harness whilst under G. The whole game as far as tha birds were concerned was blown when one of the instuctors leaned across during a S & L package and said.....
you guessed it...
"Nice box !"
(Herc mate, still in, top bloke, say no more)

[Helical Spline]

Stuck in Halifax bout 10 years back with a broken albert. Navigator and co-pilot are two gents of generous proportions , and they could always be found eating chicken wings , or other Canadian delicacies.. the young Engineer ( me ) passed a comment on their eating habits , and considerable waistlines .. to be rebuffed with .." I can eat as much as I like ,, I never gain weight ." from the Nav.
As I left the bar with my screen Engineer, we spotted a sign in the shop across the street..
" Tailors shop..discount on all alterations "
We got a taxi to the airport, nicked Navs flying suit and got the tailor to take the waist in by 4" and a bit off the arms.
Three days later we where in hysterics watching the navigator struggle into his green bag. we ran the conditioning cold to keep him in it across the pond. The route checking eng. couldnt sit on the bunk as he was crying with laughter ,and would have given the game away.
The nav? he said nothing, so we didnt inform him of the prank till he left the Sqn. some 3 years later.

[exrotarybooty]

We had been stuck in the instructors crewroom for 3 days at Wallop due to bad weather and the jokes were getting desperate!We'd covered just about every topic and ended up on 'cruelies'. There were some horrendous jokes about every disability you could think of, and then, during a lull, I noticed that a cadre AAC Staff Sgt had not been joining in. He then started in on us, asking if we had quite finished, and had we ever had to live with a disabled person. He took us apart, telling us that his brother was born without arms and legs and what a struggle it had been for his family. We suffered under his withering scorn for some 30 minutes. He finished us off by telling us that his brother was holding down a good job and that he was worth 10 of any of us. After a long, painful pause I asked him what his brother did. Grinning broadly he replied, " He's a paper-weight in an office"!! Ah, happy days!

[This message has been edited by exrotarybooty (edited 18 March 2001).]

[John Eacott]

One wet & gloomy day at Culdrose, junior subbie detailed to repaint the roller type green chalkboard with overlay for c/s, crew and daily taskings for briefings.

After watching him until mid afternoon, job complete and he offs home early. Rest of briefing room layabouts rotate the chalkboard to hide new overlay at the back, then paint the exposed board black.

Shareholders next morning were a sight to behold, with one v. upset subbie, and one squadron full of aircrew trying to find an polite way to explain to him that it was Splot's fault, it had to be rpainted because he didn't like the colour :)

We relented by standeasy, and turned the board around to show subbie his untouched efforts. Took a while to regain his sense of humour, though.

[Snow Dog]

I know of an OCU student on big aircraft who was doing the take off calcs with the flt eng and was sent off to ask the Chief to check the tyre pressures in order to calculate the aquaplaning speed of the day!

Also, an obnoxious capt (yes, there are some) who dumped his bags at the bottom of the ac steps and ordered one of the crew to keep an eye on them. 20 mins after t/o, as the ac passed through a reasonable alt, the crewman reports "Capt, just losing sight of your bags now."

And, big exercise, heavy on realism with the emphasis on thinking on your feet. American 'Enemy ac' joins on wrong frequency with no auth and wants a task. As no one answers, Brit crew with american exchange pilot (and therefore accent) takes opportunity to tell joiner that his task was cancelled and is to RTB.
Spoofing subsequently outlawed.

[opso]

3 ship Albert formation readying to depart from a scottish golfing stn, to do a figure of nine sortie; LL through the cairngorms, back over Leuchars, climb to med lvl for SKE down south. Stroppy capt of the No2 places his bags on the pan by the para door & assumes (oh the fool!) that someone will load them for him. After the LL phase, the lead ac positions to make sure that the No2 goes straight over the pan in question and calls 'Bags sighted. SKE climb, SKE climb. Go.' Kiss goodbye to that luggage for a couple of weeks!

[oldpinger]

On board one of those big grey things with a flat top...
This was the doings of a late good mate of mine and an accomplice

The two pilots (of green painted seakings) decided that the bar was a bit quiet and needed livening up with a bit of exploding vegetation, namely the biggest cabbage they could obtain from the galley.
Having hollowed out the core and inserted a couple of thunderflashes (using two in the mistaken belief that the newer versions of 'thundies' were less powerful than the old ones), a plan was hatched.
After a suitable diversion, namely a thunderflash into the front of the mess piano, the cabbage would be rolled in through the other door of the wardroom bar.

What actually happened; The thundy down the front of the piano blew the front wooden panel off and collected the ships XO as he stood at the bar with drink. This not being enough, the cabbage then rolled round the corner and detonated, plastering the bruised and battered XO with a large amount of coleslaw.... MANY extra duties followed...
:)

[BEagle]

Many years ago, a Happy Hunter Hero (HHH) of my acquaintance was doing a QFI tour on Tiger Moths. His prank involved a Tiger, a dead pig, a surplus uniform.....and a few dozen recruits.

Early one morning, HHH took off in the Tiger with the dead pig stuffed into the surplus uniform and headed for the parade ground upon which the recruits were formed up doing foot drill. The Tiger lurched about the sky, turned upside down, the pig fell out and made a huge and bloody impact on the parade ground. About half the recruits fainted - and HHH found himself fired off on a punishment posting almost before he landed!!

[This message has been edited by BEagle (edited 21 March 2001).]

[nosefirsteverytime]

aww c'mon lads! there has to be more! They don't have to be true (just don't pretend they are!)

Give us all a good laugh!

"Hey where'd the ground g......"

[B9]

The Scene: Dining-in RAF Coltishall early 70's.
The usual 'fun' during dinner with aircrew and blunties engaged in water pistol fight. Escalated when aircrew mate, under cover of borrowed stewards jacket, dumps jug of water on Stn Rock's head. PMC calls halt. After dinner the fight is resumed with water pistols and fire extinguishers including, memorably, the drenching of an old and distinguished Mess Guest being shown to his car by OC Admin. Shortly after, Game Set & Match when Stn Rock arrives driving a Crash Vehicle from the fire section and soaks everybody. The usual suspects ended up in front of the Stn Cdr with open cheque books.

[teeteringhead]

The "Pig in a tiger" dit reminded me of a similar one done by a Plastic Pilot at EGAA some years back (when there was only one Puma).
Pilot was p___ed off at being dragged in off s/d to fly Santa to and from kiddies Christmas do. Pilot was a noted bachelor (possibly the legendary L** B****)who did not approve of the tasking. Stuffed immersion suit was clad in another Santa suit, and having picked up Santa to depart, immersion suit was chucked out of the door at 100ft in the transition.....
On a good day I can still hear the ankle-snappers screams...

(_8-(|)

[John Nichol]

My first det to Goose Bay as an LCR Nav, only a couple of months into first GR1 tour. Similar LCR pilot & myself sent off as singleton to do a bit of famil whilst the rest of the big boys fly 4 ship OLF (100ft)sorties. Told in no uncertain terms by the boss to "be careful".

Me & my crewy decide to flash around a bit in the weedosphere to see what it was like for the big boys. Have jolly good time down at 100ft, scare ourselves and return to Goose with puffed chests. On taxying in the gingerbeers make frantic hand signals and get us to shut down.

Mate and I climb out to find practice bomb carrier (CBLS?) missing and half a tree stuck in the pylon. Not only do we $hit ourselves at how close we came to death, we now have to expalin to the Boss where bits of his jet are. Called in to stand on his carpet and he begins making it plain how much doo doo we are in, loudly, and how he may not want us on his Sqn. As we begin to think we are about to be shipped home he bursts into laughter.

Turned out that the witty engineers thought it would be good to take the mickey out of the new boys by getting under the jet, unscrewing the bomb thing and jamming lots of branches in it's place. All while we were shutting down. Halcyon days.

[Sloppy Link]

RAF type on exchange to rough Army sort was impressed when he discovered that he was being called "Lobster". He considered it a mark of respect that the rough Army sort didn't want to call him a Crab as that would be rude. Upon discovering that the Lobster is the only creature in the world that has it's bowels in it's skull (he had a head full of s*!t).....at his farewell party, his face was not that of a happy man.

[Marine]

The best result of a naked one departure was a Herk crew flying out of 29 Palms EAF.

The crew walked to the aircraft and pre-flighted normally. Before starting engines the aircraft commander to attention in front of the aircraft (which starts drawing attention) and orders them to strip to the minimum required flight gear. The minimum gear at the time was listed as flight gloves, boots and ID tags. They left the rest of their clothes with the ground crew.

They took off for a F/W A/R mission. Everything was going normally until a couple of Harriers "bumped". One was able to return on it's own. The other was streaming fuel and the Herk had to make go get the Harrier to drag it under pressure. Evidently the Herk made a good turn in front of the Harrier which plugged rather expeditiously.

They decided to drag the Harrier to larger civilian field with better crash fire rescue capability. The Harrier made is safe on deck but the Herk was left with only 2,000 lbs. of fuel, not enough to make it back to the EAF.

The Herk landed and when the crew disembarked created a bit of a spectacle.

The dilemma was charge them for conduct unbecoming or give them a medal for helping to save the Harrier and maybe the pilot.

Neither was the answer and the aircraft commander now flies foe Delta!

[Wig Wag]

RAF Linton on Ouse Jet Provost course circa 1984:-

Legendedary Welsh SMO conducts initial medicals on (young) BFTS course. Gives each Stude two sample bottles for the filling of. Some Studes bite the story and return with two samples. One yellow - one cream.

Only said SMO knows who the real w*nk*rs are!

Well done Doc Jones.

[jonboy38]

Ah yes, I remember it well. Minor detail missing from your story though WW, all those who produced 2 samples were of the dark blue persuasion! Perhaps you have a selective memory considering your own background!!
PS. Whatever happened to the excellent Doc Jones?

[BEagle]

Could that be the same Doc J R Jones who is now an AME at Kidlington? Ex-RAF Wg Cdr doctor at Brize a few years ago??

[Flatus Veteranus]

Abu Sueir in the early '50s was like a prison camp. After the Gyppos abrogated the Suez Canal Treaty in '51 and the ensuing Isamilia riots, service families had to live on station. The domestic and technical site was sourrounded by barbed wire, floodlit and guarded against terrorists who liked to take pot-shots at Brits. It was difficult to get off camp for leisure or social purposes, and there were few married quarters. To have enough "points" to qualify for one you needed decades of service and umpteen kids, so married junior officers in effect faced a full unaccompanied tour. Inevitably, most of the available quarters were occupied by blunties from HQ MEAF, with whom 208 a DF/FR Meteor squadron, shared the station. This did not bother us too much because only the "boss", one of the two flight commanders, and two of the 20 junior pilots were married. It was difficult, however, for the chaps to find any crumpet (except on ranger trips to Cyprus and Malta). There was a certain amount of unofficial doubling-up in quarters ("squatting") which inevitably led to "hanky-panky". One or two of the wives (dare it be mentioned!)spread nooky around a bit - out of altruism and to sustain morale, of course.

Matters reached a crisis with a particularly scandalous incident at the officers' club, when a middle-aged staff officer became tired and emotional, climbed the water tower overlooking the club and declaimed to his wife and all else assembled below: "If you don't leave that bugger alone, I will jump!"
208 mates below started to chant the Cranwell Te Deum - the one that ends "Jump, you bastard, jump!" He didn't. The Boss was away so the next morning another Sqn Ldr was sent down to the squadron to read the riot act. We got the full works about the poor view that the airships took of sexual misconduct - particularly of fornication and adultery involving other members of the service - the effect of which one one's career was said to be terminal.

Some nights later at another party a 208 mate watched the aforementioned Sqn Ldr (married/unaccompanied) paying undue attention to a lady. The couple left the party surreptitiously and slunk off through the darkness towards the Mess. 208 mate followed at a discreet distance and saw the couple dart into the squash court. Mate crept up and pressed his face to a window. There they were, pants down, skirt up, bonking away like it was going out of fashion. Waiting until their final throes were clearly nigh, our hero rapped hard on the window. "'Evening sir, mam!" he shouted "What about Officers' Confidential Orders then?" ... and bolted.

Our same hero, some time later, was with our detachment at Khormaksar, where OC Ops was rather a pompous type who prefaced almost everything he said with "When I was in Bomber Command..." or "In Bomber Command we did this..." A very efficient officer, no doubt, but he unerringly found the shortest way up every fighter pilot's nose. One evening there was a party of senior officers and their ladies, in full evening regalia, having a few drinks around the pool at the Tarshine (sp?) Club, before going on to dinner at the C-in-C's residence. OC Ops was standing on the edge of the pool, leaning over it, offering a drink to a young lady swimming. Our hero walks quietly up behind him and gives him a gentle push. Ker-plunk! When he surfaces, says our hero; "Did they do that in Bomber Command too, sir?"

The hero of both these vignettes, ex-public school and UAS, never achieved further advancement in the Service - nor did he seek it. At the end of his tour he went civil and retired a few years ago after a long career with Cathay Pacific. I believe that he died recently. If so, RIP matey, and don't give St Peter too much stick - your long-suffering ex-Flt Cdr.

(Some details in the foregoing have been altered to protect identities).



------------------
presto digitate

[droptank]

Time out of mind ago...before the earth had got its wrinkle and the stars had got their twinkle....and before the Army had started squatting in perfectly respectable RAF stations....

A Varsity (!!) course at Oakington stole a piece of MOD notepaper and, after much research and ingenuity, forged a letter to their Staish, purporting to come from a civil servant in MOD, stating that, as RAF stations are named after the nearest railway station (true!!) and since Dr Beeching had axed Oakington Station, he was to change the name of the stn to RAF Long Stanton.

Much glee when a painter was observed altering the sign at the main gate and SROs were issued under a new letterhead. All signs confirm that station hierarchy has been completely fooled by brilliant student spoof.

Two weeks later, said course are assembled for 'urgent briefing by staish'. On arrival, he informs them (in his clipped South African accent) that the RAF has a surplus of multi-engine pilots (true!!) and that, as part of the solution, the whole of XX Course, RAF Long Stanton is, much to his regret, to be administratively withdrawn from training and offered transfers to ground branches. As he heads for the door, the same clipped 'jaapie' accent drops into the stunned silence:

'These guys must be as stupid as they appear to think I am - not only do they think I believed their spoof, they seem to have believed it themselves. Lucky they're still at Oakington where the bar, and my bar book will be open for one minute in one minute and I intend to spend the rest of the day drinking on theirs'.

[BOAC]

Details of story fade from memory, but........

Scene: Officers' Mess, Summer Ball
Where: A flat-iron garage in the Lincolnshire triangle
When: Late 60's early 70's

First cubicle, ladies toilet. With the aid of a micro-switch, floodlight and tapedeck, occupation of seat of same by pink rosy cheeks produced:-
1) Bright light from down under
2) Voice (labouring man type) "Hang on madam, we ain't finished digging this one yet"
3) Rapid exit of occupant with ballgown at one end of body and knickers at other
4) Significant hilarity from 'officers' nearby
5) Interviews with CO next day

[Son Of Piltdown]

JARIC Officers Mess RAF Brampton Circa 1984:

WREN Officer orders Banana Split as desert for dinner. Said Pud arrives arranged in following format.

1. Single Banana on plate.

2. Two dollops of ice cream arranged side by side at one end of said banana.

3. Small amount of cream at other end of said banana.

WREN Officer screams: "Ooh, how horrid" and exits Dining Room in a hurry.

[Indicative]

My First post - bit excited and scared!!

Just wanted to bring this thread to the top again.

There was a bloke at Cgy in the mid nineties when I was there called Fat Bat (or Fruit Bat - I can't remember which) who was always doing daft things - there must be some more out there.

Anyway - me being a first tourist scribbly, he decided to take me under his wing at a dining-in night once and I got completely w******d and fell asleep in one of the antiroom chairs. I awoke the next morning to find that he had sewn me to the chair in question and replaced my pilot officer tapes with a pink ribbon. He still owes me for that number five - but I doubt that I will get it because he's left the airforce now.

------------------
If there are clips to count - I'll do it tomorrow!

[Gainesy]

Indicative, would that be Nobby the Nav? Flew in the display F.3 with Fred wotsisname Grundy(?). A huge fruit bat crapped all over him one evening in Darwin, Australia, on the Golden Eagle world tour--hence the nickname.

[Indicative]

I'm not sure - Fred was on 29 sqn wasn't he? Fat Bat was definitely a 5 Sqn boy - I can remember that he built a wall of cheese on OC 5's desk but I can't remember why. Perhaps he was on 29 and moved over to 5.

------------------
If there are clips to count - I'll do it tomorrow!

[Oggin Aviator]

During Ocean Wave 97, the Navy’s global deployment to Australia and back, the Admiral in charge was embarked in the CVS. He decided to have an “evolutions” day, whereby the elements of the task force would be instructed to perform various tasks via the sealed brown envelope method. These were duly delivered to the departments of the CVS and accompanying ships.

Thus said envelope appeared in the briefing room of the Pinger squadron embarked in the CVS. They were tasked to plan and stage a circus performance on the Quarterdeck for the Captain, Cdr (Air) and other elements of the CAG in 3 hours time. They spent the time feverishly planning and rehearsing, with all 45 or so aircrew officers involved. Soon the word went out that the Bag and Stovie squadrons were invited to a show at noon on the Quarterdeck. And what a show it was. They had really pulled out the stops, with jugglers, clowns, people dressed as seals balancing beach balls etc etc. If memory serves me correct, they even managed to lay on some smally eats blagged from the Wardroom. Splendid entertainment indeed. When it was all over, the Senior Pilot of the Bag squadron stood up to congratulate them. He said, “I want to say 2 things – First, thankyou for such a marvellous show, what a tremendous effort. And second – don’t you think it’s amazing what you can achieve with a photocopy of the Admiral’s stationery …………………….. !!

[Arkroyal]

Put this in wrong thread, so you've probably seen it. Anyway here it is

Junglie detachment at northern crab station in winter snows.
The boys thought it a good idea to build a snowman, and went ahead. Crab police cruise by giggling. Snowman finished, carrot for dick etc and boys stand back to admire.

Crabpol landrover appears at speed and drives over the snowman.

Boys patiently rebuild snowman, crab plod reappear to do the dirty. Crash.... very mangled landrover.

This time the snowman was built around a bollard :)

[Rattus]

Oggin Aviator
Cracking yarn. Does posterity record the nature of the Pingers' (inevitable) retribution? If so, do tell.
Rattus

[Oggin Aviator]

Rattus - Unfortunately they never really managed it.

We got the same guys again in the Gulf 6 months later, but thats another story !!

[Reptilio]

Indicative,

I've only just returned from a nice long det and was catching up on all the pprunes from the last month when I read your input with interest. Fat Bat is indeed still live and kicking and living it up on a lovely ground tour in Europe. He was probably one of the most annoying buggers when it came to winding people up - but some of his 'one-liners' at dining-in nights were priceless. However, last I heard he'd given up drinking and started to behave himself.

Reptilio

[This message has been edited by Reptilio (edited 02 May 2001).]

[Richard Jones]

The excellent Doc Jones that you talk about is actually John Jones not me [Richard Jones, AME at Kidlington] - much as I'd like to take the credit for his w@nker identification parade. However, I could be accused of some other jolly japes which some might forward when time allows

[dubbledeka]

While serving as a QFI at Linton I was proceeding in a west nor westerly direction up the vale to the west of Leeming (can't for the life of me recall it's cheesy name) when I met a 'reds' Hawk 180 out. We both waggled, moved right, and he put his smoke on. What a twit.
Scheme hatched. Dropped a letter to the Commodore, CFS from a Wanda Kerr, old lady of aforementioned vale, who had been out hanging her bedsheets when a "little red plane dumped diesel fuel all over me lovely linens".
Guilty party interviewed, severely reprimanded, and as far as I know, never learnt the truth about who sent it.

[tu chan go]

Many years ago, when we still had real aircraft flying out of Laarbruch, a brand new pilot arrived at the gate, fresh from the OCU at Honington and eager to start his first tour on one of the Bucc (Ahhh) sqns.

The duty police sgt asked if he had just crossed on the ferry? "Yes", said our new boy. "I'll just have to check your car out, Sir, as we have had some problems with drugs smugglers recently. Just a formality, Sir, but we must be seen to be impartial. No favouritism, Sir. Ha, ha, ha."

While looking in the back of the car, the sgt pulls a small plastic bag from his pocket and, brandishing it in front of the new boy, says, "What is this, Sir? Looks like cocaine to me!"

"I've never seen that in my life!!" stammers new boy, panicking hugely. "It is not mine!!!!!!"

"I am going to have to arrest you, Sir, on suspicion of drug smuggling". Sgt thens locks poor unsuspecting bloggs in the guardroom cell for about 2 hours.

Just before 5pm (a bit of a giveaway if you ask me, but our hero was not thinking straight by this time) 2 junior officers arrive at the g'room to take bloggs under "house arrest". Down to the mess bar and about 3 skinfulls later, bloggs has told everyone how he has been framed. He then collapses and is carried to his room.

He awakens at 0830, naked apart from his shirt, with the worst hangover imaginable. He tries to get off the bed and discovers that he is sporting a full length cast on his right leg. (The doc had put a coin on it's edge under his heel so that every time he put his weight on it, it hurt!!) The 2 jo's from the previous day arrive to escort him to the Sqn where, they informed him, the Boss was furious and waiting to tear him a new orifice.

On arrival at the Sqn, they walked through the office where the Sqn Boss was sitting, wearing the SAC's rank tabs and typing absolute garbage on the typewriter (no computers in those days). The trio then enter the Boss's office where the SAC from the anteroom, wearing Wg Cdr rank tabs (on the Boss's flying suit) proceeded to dish out the best boll**king the 2 JOs had ever heard. He just stopped short at kicking the new boy off the Sqn but told him that if he ever saw him again, he would!! The new boy was to make himself scarce for 3 years or until the Boss was posted, whichever was the sooner!

On leaving the office, the SAC (the real Boss) asked bloggs if he had brought his paperwork with him. Bloggs, having had a bit of a hard time so far, took it all out on the SAC (Boss). Rather unfairly tearing the SAC apart.

When he eventually made it to the crewroom, everyone on the Sqn had changed flying suits. The Flt Cdrs were junior shags, the junior shags were all Sqn Ldrs and he had no idea who he was talking to.

They left him in the cast for 2 days!! Eventually, they came clean and told him about the spoof but for months afterwards he could be standing in the bar and the new "OC whatever" on the stn would come up and introduce himself as "Sqn Ldr A N Other" only to be told to F**k Off and go and try it on someone else.

[goldcup]

One from the good old days at a Scottish UAS:

December 19xx, and the keen eyed multitude of freshers arrive. Unfortunately for the flying, but most fortunately for the boozing, there was a massive dump of snow one night. The next day the pan was covered by a foot and a half of the white stuff ergo no Bulldogs (or indeed anything else) airborne. Keen eyed senior stude spots the outline of an F111 sat at VAS and an evil plan forms in his mind. Whilst the new boys were sitting in the crewroom trying in vain to memorise their FRC checks, he goes through to Ops and calls the Freshers next door.

"Hello," he says in a dreadful American accent, "its Colonel Rickenbacker from the 69th USAF F111 Squadron. I'm getting airborne for a weather check and my wizzo doesn't wanna come along, so I thought I'd offer up the other seat to you guys."

Cue an entirely predictable reply of, "Ooh, yes please sir."

"Well," says our fake American, "bring your flying kit and I'll see you at the jet in half an hour."

Intrepid idiot makes his way to VAS, is met by the puzzled groundcrew and wades through the knee deep snow to the F111. Imagine our surprise when the fictional Yank fails to appear. But the budding F111 pilot isn't deterred by the Colonel's no-show. Oh no. 45 minutes later he comes back in to the warmth, furious. Grabs the phone, bells up the Officers Mess and demands the receptionist tannoys the pilot. The real one, having drunk a lot on the weather the previous night, stumbles groggily to reception, thinking the call important and picks up the phone. Whereupon he is given dogs abuse by the hpothermic student.

[BEagle]

Oops - it seems that I misidented the "W@nker-checker' Doc Jones - it wasn't 675 Jones, but 328 Jones (or something like that - sounds rather like something out of 'Zulu'. "Stop throwing those ruddy spears - now!").

The jolly nice AME Doc Jones at Kidlington is not the one who required the 2 specimens - apologies for any embarrassment!

[allan907]

As this thread has been resurrected on Jet Blast I thought the following would be worthy.

Wittering in the mid 80s. OC Admin had the prized parking spot on the immediate left of the front door of SHQ. Obviously, when his mini wasn't there that was the best spot when paying a quick visit to SHQ. OC A hated that - with a passion.

Off he goes to lunch one day and we took the opportunity to drive up a tank from the Armament Support Unit and park it in his slot. As he whizzed round the bend from his MQ back to SHQ his face was a picture to behold.

Someone probably has the photos somewhere - if they do pse PM me.

[BigGrecian]

Similar to the Doc Jones prank.
On a said UAS the freshers are arriving for their first day on the UAS where they are told they will have medicals. They were given a small plastic tub and a brown paper bag and asked to return the sample the following day. Needless to say most of the students obliged and provided a sample for the Med Centre.

[Mach2]

Late 60's, on a Lightning Sqn somewhere in the Mediterranean. Newly arrived junior pilot arrived straight from the OCU all eager to fly the single seat Mk 3 for the first time (the OCU only had the Mk 5 2-seater version).
NAJP called into the Boss's office and told that HQ NEAF had decided that the OCU training wasn't adequate preparation for the Sqn's role, and that all NAJPs would have to spend 6 months as a simulator instructor watching how the experienced pilots operated before they would be allowed to fly in a Sqn aircraft. Showed NAJP fat file with lots of letters and signals all about this new policy (some NEAF staff officers who occasionally flew with the Sqn were in on the joke).
NAJP left Boss's office and went out onto the pan, staring into the distance and kicking stones, with a look of utter despair - it lasted for about 5 hours, until we let him in on the joke at that evening's beercall. This was repeated successfully for 2 other NAJPs, until the word got out.

[Swanny the scuffer]

On an ATSy trip back from Sierra Leone on route to Tenerife. Just after herc J's had come out. The toilet was down with curtain drawn just before pax boarded and into take off

Shortly after take off Co-pilot comes into the back complete with towel and shower gel, strips off and dissapears behind the curtain. Cue prepositioned bottle of water. Comes from behind the curtain 5 mins laters with wet hair and towel wrapped round him. Dons flying suit and walks towards cockpit.

On the way he is stopped by a Major. "As we've been in the jungle for X months, is there any chance of a shower?" Of course permission was granted. Said major strips off, gets towel and shampoo, pulls back curtain......... Cue flash of cameras and one very puzzled pongo.

The icing on the cake came as the aircrew assumed who ever went for a shower would get the gag but he actually came forward and asked where the shower was!!!

Pongo's, you gotta love 'em

[The Rocket]

Reminds me of a wind up a few years back. Whilst flying out to the USA, we had on board a new boy on the squadron who had never been on a Herc before and he was asking all kinds of questions as to what it was like to travel on Hercs, especially for that amount of time.
Of course, we all told him "It's fine", and "As soon as they put the inflight movie on you can relax" After a few initial questions, we convinced him there were pull down projector screens hidden that they show the films on, and this satisfied him, until half way across the Atlantic, when he kept asking a bemused Loadmaster "What time is the film coming on?" :confused:

[Skeleton]

If memory serves me right....

North Scotland Jaguar base late 70's....

AOC visit's who is known to all and sundry as PUD.

Take the 2 seaters and line them up so there tail letters spell

S E X Y P U D

(yes we had enough 2 seaters then)

Even better following year, AOC takes parade amongst much laughter from those in "the know" And where to look in the sky....

Take 2 jaguars.. 2 madman and you have yourselves the perfect, put delicately.. "Phallic symbol" contrail above the AOC's head !!

Magic.

[Swanny the scuffer]

A guy I know was doing vehicle searches one day outside the MACC at Bruggen. I had my little table and on it a charity collection tin.

In drove a VW mini-bus full of German Aircrew. Being keen to collect for charity, I was straight over rattling the tin, I managed to get quite a few Marks out of them before one of them spotted the large placard behind me titled"WINGS-Support the Battle Of Britain Appeal"

I thought it was funny,the sarge watching from the Macc wasn't quite so impressed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night at Honington around 1990 the OC of one of the shifts decided to test the shift by driving about the airfield with no lights on. Surprisingly, he was spotted fairly quickly but decided not to answer the radio(probably to see what the shifts response would be). Soon he had a convoy of Police vehicles behind him, I believe the order was Landrover, sherpa, dog van and bringing up the rear, another landrover. Then however the Officer decided to head towards the domestic side and the main gate. At this the FS issued the order "STOP THAT VEHICLE AT ALL COSTS". Just as they were passing the Police HQ, the rear landrover cuts across the car park and "BANG" rams the lead vehicle and ends the pursuit.

The icing on the cake is that the car was the Sqd Ldrs.

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Few years ago apparently the great Rory Underw**d drove up to the main gate and got stopped and asked for his ID by the copper on the gate!

RW: 'Don't you know who I am?'

Reply: (upon checking F1250) 'Oh yeah sorry about that... you're Tony Underw**d's brother aren't you?'

Result!!

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Going round the bazarrs recently is the one about a famous film director who drives up to gate to get access to his private plane. He gets stopped by RAFP NCO who asks for some ID

MW: (Extremely agitated and somewhat hoitytoitedly) 'Don't you know who I am?'

RAFP 'Calm down dear.... it's a commercial!'

Result... 1 complete sense of humour failure!

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Skiving at the Domestic site gate at Aldergrove 1992 ( was dog handler had a flat battery honest) fed on the gate who shall remain nameless as he is still in stops one of our baby shift bosses who was a complete knob. Baby boss has fit girlfriend in his car so decides to impress her:

Fed " evening boss, no problems"

Baby boss, " Cpl Y***** compliments please !"

Fed " ........your bird has got really ace tits sir"

Bay boss says **** all and drives through......not an urban legend,



------------------


Thats all for now folks but there's more where they came from if you want

[adr]

A copper whose patch was such that he got a few "Don't you know who I am?" responses every year developed his own, brilliant SOP.

He'd put on a look of grave, sympathetic concern, and reply, in a gentle, I-just-did-a-shift-with-the-Samaritans voice, "No sir (madam). Don't you?"

:}

adr

[PTR 175]

NLF, RAF St Mawgan late 1980s, MR2 just in service with the Cornish Airforce. Shift change time.

A Nimrod with power on is parked on the pan facing the line carpark. Everybody has to walk along the taxiway from the carpark to the line hut.

The shift boss gets the whole shift into the crewroom and tells them that the aircraft facing the carpark has a fault with the Dishwater Radar. The fairies have discovered that it was transmitting at full power on the ground and everybody who has parked in the carpark has been iradiated and need to go down to the med centre to produce a sample. You can work out the rest.

Certainly my fave mass joke in my time in the RAF

[BEagle]

The best pranks always require well-briefed confederates in crime! My most successful was probably getting a certain Flt Cdr to believe that he'd just been sent to Staff College - even the boss was in on that and a chum at Bracknell had produced a full set of joing instructions, car pass forms, social calendar - even a "Dear Al, yours aye" letter from the Commandant. Snopake and Xerox work, plus well briefed chums added the final touch!

Once upon a time, some years ago, a certain sqn was about to deploy to do something involved with err, nuclear things. One chap was a bit concerned about this; it was only after the realisation as to the extent of his concern became evident that a spoof could be planned. Because the whole thing was very sneaky-beaky, a couple of names would be annotated 'PDSST' on the program board. Pre-Deployment Sperm Sample Testing. The cover story was that only one doctor was cleared to know about the forthcoming deployment and could only deal with 2 blokes per day and that samples would be taken both before and after the deployment to check that the little white soldiers hadn't been affected by the spoof 'radiation hazard'. So the first 2 (fully briefed) were to have disappeared for the morning and would then have reappeared muttered things like "Well, that was a bit embarassing. I didn't quite expect to have to do that!" in ear shot of the nervous chum. Then, when it was his turn, he would have been confronted at the RMC by a well-briefed, very attractive junior dentist pretending to be the doctor: "Hello, I'm having to stand in for Doc X - I understand that you've been told to come for a check up of some sort?" After he'd stammered his way through the reason, she was going to have produced the duty latex glove and a large test tube and to have told him to get on with it - but being such a classified deployment, he'd have to perform the act behind the screens in her office rather than in the bog. Two screened off areas would have been prepared; one of which was for his privacy when 'producing' the sample - but in the second of which were a couple of squadron mates. With a camera! The curtain between the two would have been whipped away at the moment critique and the photo duly taken...........

But sadly the deployment was moved forward, so although the initial groundwork was in an advanced state or preparedness, the spoof was never able to be perpetrated. Or so I was told....allegedly.

[Dan Winterland]

New courses still green from IOT arriving at an FTS are always prime targets for a spoof from their senior course mates. Here are a few of favourites.

1. The arrival sperm sample to monitor the effects of high altitude radiation on the individual over his carrer has been seen more than once.

2. On arrival at the mess the night prior to the course start date, there's a note with their room key to say they have to hand in a 300 word essay on their life to date. At one FTS, this was done every course and eventually it became tradition. A pile of them arrived in the crew room every few weeks and the boss used to mark them for SW. Of course, one or two students realised it was a spoof and wrote funny stories. One I liked related how the student had wanted to be a fighter pilot ever since experiencing g as a foetus in his Israeli fighter pilots mother's womb. (Nice one Pete!)

3. Students told to muster in PT kit before breakfast of first morning for a run. PTI (you guessed it - a senior stude who is a fitness freak) takes them for a beasting which involves a marathon, also stopping outside every QFI's house on the patch to drop and do ten!

4. While in groundschool, Sqn boss marches in to the classroom, b@llocks the course for their poor exam results - and another thing. They all look scruffy and must get to the barbers today to get their hair cut. A block booking is made, the hapless studes go off to get their hair cut not realising that the boss was actually one of the senior course - as is the barber! No 1 cuts all round!!!!!!!

[Constable Clipcock]

Didn't play this one, but I wish I had:

A C-5A loadmaster acquaintance of mine once related a story of a rather self-important young copilot who had the idea that one of the load's duties was to bring him coffee whenever the whim arose.

This dutiful technical sergeant cheerfully and unprotestingly complied with said copilt's request at each and every turn during the course of a ten-day-long mission. Copilot's coffee, it turned out, was made precisely to order (well, nearly!):

*One cup coffee
*Two spoons sugar
*Two spoons cream
*One spoon Kaopectate

[BEagle]

Which, for those who don't know, has the following effects:

"No serious side effects have been reported for this medicine. However, constipation may occur in some patients, especially if they take a lot of it. Check with your doctor as soon as possible if constipation continues or is bothersome."

Hmm, we'd have used something with the opposite effect, methinks!

But it probably only went to prove that the C-5A co-piglet in question truly was full of $hit!

[Winnie]

Doesn't really have anything to do with flying, but it IS military!

We were in Northern Norway on Patrol with our Fast Patrol Boats (RNoN), and after a weekend in port, we learned that one of the guys had 'had' a rather young bird...

Next port call, we get the local constable, the CO, the OOD and the signalman in on our prank, where we jig up the signal from the "northern naval command" demanding that the said geezer go to the local police station for an interview in a rape case, he really thought he was going to jail!

But poor sods we were, as we could not keep a serious face when he was going:(

He never got to retaliate either!!

[buoy15]

Yawwwn!!!

Is this a BSW, AMF or Metric thread?

If you are going to screw the nut. at least make it interesting or exciting.

Tighten up!!

Love Many, Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe:D

[BEagle]

Thank you for your valuable contribution....

[steamchicken]

Favourite "DYKWIA" story - Wigan and Great Britain Rugby League hero, Gary Connolly, turns up in Wigan club bar after the match. In front of him in the beer queue are a bunch of Bradford fans, ordering the bar.

Eventually he loses patience - "Do you know who I am?"

Barmaid - "Eh up lads! We've got a lad here don't know who he is!"

[exrotarybooty]

In the late '80s I ran the Supply Squadron at RAF Laarbruch for 3 years. One of my Cpls was the 'wind up' kid of the century, and over a year he ‘took out’ most of the hierarchy, including me, with hilarious results.
He then got too ambitious, and ‘spoofed’ the Station Commander!
I received a 'one way' phone call from the Boss, and Operation Gotcha was launched with all the experience gained from a previous existence of 22 years in the Royal Marines.
The Cpl worked in a hardened supply shelter on the airfield, so a practise fire drill was announced for his shelter over the Station tannoy system. A fire engine roared over there, and a smoke generator was set off by the entrance. Two ‘firemen’ dashed into the shelter, and shouted that the Cpl was a casualty. He was stripped of his clothes, and a respirator, smeared on the inside with black camouflage cream, was strapped to his face. On the pretext of checking for broken bones, the ‘firemen’ put black cam cream hand marks all over his body. He was then strapped onto a stretcher, and transported across a very rough airfield on the bonnet of a landrover, supposedly heading for the Medical Centre. Instead, the vehicle stopped at the Supply Squadron, the stretcher was propped up against a wall, and all our hero's 'victims' were there waiting to take photos.
He announced a truce shortly after!
The ‘firemen’ turned out to be a Pilot Officer, who was the Cpl's boss and had been a victim many times, and yours truly.

http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/rotarybooty/images/5-picture2.jpg

[ukatco_535]

The Best Prank Ever?...


Must go to the clerk in the Air Ministry who Formed the RAF on the 1st April 1918. The longest running April fool ever!

Time to take cover

[Pontius Navigator]

Our Ops Adjt at a secret airbase in Lincolnshire was off on leave up in Tyneside when the usual round robin volunteers list came around. Now his posting preferences were - overseas, nearer home and recruiting. A plum posting came up.

I naturally volunteered him on his behalf.

The letter from PMA - genuine even - said that it was an absolute pleasure to be able to accept a volunteer for such a demanding job and at the same time meet all three preferences for posting.

When he was walking to work first day back he was congratulated by OC PMS but not told why. When he go to Ops there was a message that OC Ops wanted to see him after his trip.

In the office were two petrified clerks. Me, I was well away in the bunker.

You can imagine when he opened the letter from PMA to find he was posted to Aldergove as a recruiter. He never forgave me.

[ShyTorque]

The mighty plastic pursuit ship (Puma) had a serious problem with cabin door runners wearing out and becoming insecure.

OC Eng (at the home of the Support Helicopter) had a really good idea. All Pumas would be flown without doors until further notice. 33 Sqn (Norway's Bloomin' Cold Ltd) weren't too impressed.

OC Eng came out of happy hour to discover his car was minus its doors...served him right.

[Matt Skrossa]

Certain Naval Air Station in Somerset..... new SATCO appointed to sort out ATC after a mid-air collision. After giving everyone a hard time he grabs a passing Naval Airman, demands to know his name and tells the NA that he wants cup of coffee on his desk on the hour, every hour. The NA dutifully does as told. Everything goes swimmingly until SATCO goes on 2 weeks leave. NAM continues to make a cup of coffee "on the hour, every hour". When SATCO opens his office door he was faced by 14 days worth of putrid cups of coffee on EVERY flat surface, floor, desk, window sill and even his chair. Funnily enough he made his own brews after that!