Dining In, Dining Out and Mess Fun

[Kodakman]

I have read many accounts of hillarious activities that have occurred at Dining In, Dining Out, Mess parties, Beer calls etc. I would like to compile details of such events from those involved. Any air arm, any period. The more riotous, the better. There must be thousands of great stories out there, so please do not keep them to yourself.

Please could service personnel contact me on my email, [email protected].

Thanks very much for your co-operation.

Robert "Bob" Archer
Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

[Airborne Aircrew]

How are we going to divide the royalties? Will it be per word in the witty anecdote or what?

Inquiring minds and all that...

[Kodakman]

Sorry, havn't thought about that. Just wanted to get hold of some of the thousands of wonderful stories. Been reading Tom Eeles book when he was at Honnie with the Bucc. Wonderful tales about Dining Out the Bucc OCU. Really funny. There must be so many more tales to be told.

Bob

[Kreuger flap]

Well, if you intend to publish these tales then 10% of any sales should just about cover any of my stories. I don't want to be greedy. Got to supplement my forthcoming pension somehow.

[Pontius Navigator]

Copyright could be an issue.

Maybe trawl all the previous posts in Pprune, get names, promise cash.

The 1 Gp dining-in night deserves a whle chapter on its own.

[BEagle]

See http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/48124-1-gp-dining-night-waddington.html

:\

[monkeymanagement]

Great idea - especially the bit about 40% of profits to H4H!

[Dan Winterland]

Of course, most of these stories will have to be taken with a pinch of salt, as they will have been embellished with repeated telling and of course the perpertrators and the witnesses were already suitably imbibed at the time, therefore the details of the event should be treated as suspect on recounting ("your honour!").

Also, some details are deliberately left out or misleading in order to protect the guilty - or innocent bystanders. (You decide!).

One such episode which I can mention with some authority, although if pressed will admit that it's just hearsay ("your honour") is regarding an event at a RAF training base in the 1980s where a Friday night Dining in was made a three line whip as such events were far from popular. The mess was a dreary place built in the 1960s and looking more like council offices rather than a place of fun and jolity, and most of the pilot students would much rather be on the road to somewhere better - going to shag their girlfriends. Add the fact that the Mess was shared with engineer students who ruled the roost and made the student pilot's life miserable with every chance they got - the pressed pilots were particualarly unhappy to be there that evening.

Also, it had been decided that for ''training purposes'' the Mess should have a student PMC and it was he who would preside over the Dinner. This student was an senior engineer student who was universallyunpopulor, even amongst his enginnering peers - and as the engineers hadn't been subject to the three line whip was presiding over majority of pissed off pilots.

Now some of us pilots (not saying who) had already planned the after dinner entertainment. The student PMC owned a classic British sports car which was his pride and joy. It was considered that it would be amusing to see his face when it was declared a "burner" and even funnier when the act was done. Now, these pilots had prepared for this jolly jape by going to a scrapyard and purchasing a similar car, hastily painting it in the correct colour so that at a distance in the dark, it would look like the PMCs. Unfortunately, the scheme was good in concept, but faulty in execution. The planners had failed to anticipate the emotion of the pilot mob after such a dreary dinner and as soon as the call to burn the PMCs car went up (after the loyal toast of course) the mob immeidately acted on the call - even before the speeches. The real car had been removed from the Pseudo PMC's parking slot outside the mess, but the replacement had not yet been parked. The mob headed for the car park, found the real car and burned it!





I went back to this station a few years later, as an instructor. The event was still mentioned, but in whispers and hushed tones, as apparently the Police case was still open! :(

[Pontius Navigator]

Nice one.

And I still wonder how the senior course got the Station Commander's car on top of SHQ at South Cerney, it was the old style round-back Standard Vanguard.

In contrast getting OC Training's mini between two trees at Lindholm was a PoP; watching him drive it out was better. MT replaced the bumpers before he was up the next day.

[ACW599]

>In contrast getting OC Training's mini between two trees at Lindholm was a PoP; watching him drive it out was better.<

Getting our CFI's car on axle stands was a PoP. Watching him try to drive off next morning without having done a walkround was entertaining. Dire threats of groundings were vetoed by the Boss on account of the fact that the latter had assisted in the malfeasance.

[teeteringhead]

Remember lifting a creamie QFIs souped-up Mini into the Mess Foyer at Syerston - the wide wheels gave very little clearance through the double-doors. :E

However, game set and match to said creamie (P*** D****k*r) who jumped in and drove it out at great speed. :eek:

[Old-Duffer]

The 1 Group Dinner is a great story but is it true?

I have heard the story with embellishments over the years and met a guy who said he was researching a book about it. However, I have never met anybody who was there, nobody can give me the name of a reliable witness, there is no mention of a Group dinner in the Forms 540 of the main or contributing units and when I ask a question, the responses are all of the 'well, so and so said...........'.

The dinner must have taken place between Nov 56 and May 59 and the CinC for the period was Broadhurst and the AOC 1 Gp was AVM G A Walker both long departed.

It's a great story, strong on the action but weak on the veracity.

Old Duffer

[1.3VStall]

Old Duffer,

When I was at MUAS in the late 1960s, one of the QFIs was a Vulcan pilot - P**** M***s. He was at the 1 Gp DIN and would regale us students with amusing tales of the chaos and debauchery. I particularly remember the ensuing transport shambles after all the coach destination boards had been changed. Apparently it took days to get all the crews crews back to their proper stations!

[DX Wombat]

I am currently at home feeling grotty and sorry for myself - or at least I was until I found this thread and followed BEagles link. The ensuing laughter has done me the world of good although the dogs seem to be doubting my sanity and are giving me funny looks. Thank you. :D :D :D :D :D

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Minis have a 3/4" clearance on each side for mess foyer doors.
We put it in, at Waddington I think, and the MT section took it out in the wee hours (without asking us to shift it) and damaged the doors in the process. They billed us, but we successfully argued that if a bunch of drunken aircrew can put it in without damage, then it was MT incompetence that damaged it.

Minis will also fit into ****** University college rooms, but you need a welding torch.:E

I had heard tell you can get minis into some bomb bays.................

Perhaps some bomber mate can enlighten us?

[Ivor Fynn]

Corsa went through the doors at Lossiemouth and into the Bar, there was an interesting photo of 3 different Sqn bosses on the roof of said car, with the fire hose filling it up! The ensuing stand up bollocking in the OM for all who attended the lunch of the year was even funnier.

Ivor

[Rossian]

...who was the guilty party who took a JCB up the flight of steps to the main door of the mess at St Mawgan and into the foyer?
Come Monday the JCB driver couldn't get it out and stood back as the original miscreant was summoned from the squadron to remove it. An artist at work.

The Ancient Mariner

[Pontius Navigator]

The 1 Group Dinner is a great story but is it true?

The dinner must have taken place between Nov 56 and May 59 and the CinC for the period was Broadhurst and the AOC 1 Gp was AVM G A Walker both long departed.

It's a great story, strong on the action but weak on the veracity.

Old Duffer

O-D, no, all true. BB and Gus were guests and not in post. It was in 1965 as it was the 25th anniversary. It would have been around June-July and crews used to do annual refresher training at the OCU and BCBS every year and it came around like clockwork. I was at Lindholme that day and returned to Cottesmore that night.

All I will say is that we left Lindholme in sufficient time to arrive at Waddo at our designated slot time. There were 34 navs on the bus but only one staff navigator as opposed to nav radar. I remember passing the Liberal Club in Lincoln before turning left into Broadgate. We arrived at the mess with immaculate timing on the minute - only problem we were at Scampton.

This was not too important as we still had some beer remaining in the barrels that had been thoughtfully installed to deaden the pain.

Anything else you require verification I am happy to answer.

usual excuses and waivers apply

[lsh]

Would someone please tell the story about chain-sawing the dining tables?
Great story, best told by someone with the full facts!

Thanks,
lsh
:E

[Fareastdriver]

There were 34 navs on the bus

No wonder you arrived at the wrong airfield.

[KG86]

Scene - Moscow Camp in Northern Ireland, the home of the RN at that time. It's Tarranto Night and the SNO has invited the Secretary of State for NI, the GOC and many other luminaries. Oh, and he has invited a slack handful of naval aviators currently on det at Aldergove. Everyone (except one sub lieutenant pilot!) is assembled in the anteroom, in their finery, before going in to dinner. The door opens, and in rolls a large cabbage, fizzing slightly. It reaches well into the room, and everyone turns to see what it is. The thunderflash, which had been inserted in it, goes off with a huge bang, and everyone is now wearing coleslaw! Subbie was thown out of the mess forthwith.

[Ron Cake]

1 Group Dinner

P-N: I too was there and remember it well . But I think the 2000 post you dug up exaggerates it a bit. My overriding memory was of the C in C being barracked as soon as he stood up to speak. There were a lot of dignataries on the top table including the Lord Lieutenant of Lincolnshire and a senior cleric (the Bishop of Lincoln, I think). it must have been accutely embarassing for the host, AOC 1 Group, as he witnessed his career going down the tubes.

The next morning we were all summoned to the briefing room at the Ops block where the Station Commander (Gp Capt Mawer) delivered a dressing down - not with any great conviction, as I recall.

A pedant writes: O-D: The AOC was AVM Stapleton, a rather austere South African, and not Gus Walker. Walker was AOC in the late 50's and was well liked. Due to a wartime accident he had only one arm, but amazingly flew the Vulcan with the aid of a special contraption.

[Pontius Navigator]

RC, I stand by whatever I wrote :)

We too received a bollocking, as directed by the AOC. Naturally none of his officers would have been so bad. The AOC had also been concerned that a large floral shield depicting the 1 Gp badge had gone missing. It had been planned as a major exhibit at the Bawtry flower show or some such.

No one knew where it had gone.

The odd carnation in front of the mess at Cottesmore must have been dropped quite coincidentally.

PS,

The carnations did not stain my No 1 trousers at all. And it wasn't me anyway.

[Easy Street]

Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era. The standard banter from the Tornado sqns was that 55 Sqn were all knackered old farts. Therefore at a station dining-in 55 Sqn laid down a challenge to the young Tornado whipper-snappers. Towards the end of proceedings, two of the youngest and least-wizened old crones produced a two-man lumberjack's saw and set about cutting their leg of the table in half. This they achieved in reasonably quick time, given their relatively advanced age and the thickness of the Mess tables, and enquired whether either of the Tornado sqns could do better. The sqns rose to the challenge, each finding two strong young men to cut through their own tables in turn, both in quicker time than 55 Sqn. Yet more "old fogey" banter was heaped upon the old men in the bar afterwards.

On the following Monday the sqn cdrs were summoned to the Stn Cdr's office. They knew what was coming, and were equipped with cheques from the Sqn Officers' Funds to pay for new Mess tables. Noticing that OC 55 was absent, the other two sqn cdrs asked the Stn Cdr where he was. "He is not here because 55 Sqn replaced their leg of the table with a trestle table before the start of the dinner" came the answer. Truly a triumph of age and experience over youthful enthusiasm - with a hefty dollop of treachery for good measure!

[ExAscoteer]

One such episode which I can mention with some authority, although if pressed will admit that it's just hearsay ("your honour") is regarding an event at a RAF training base in the 1980s where a Friday night Dining in was made a three line whip as such events were far from popular.

As I recall it wasn't a 'Student PMC' but the real PMC (who was an Engineer) and the car that got trashed was, in fact, the 'ringer'.

Said Officer went apoplectic and threatened all sorts of charges. The joke was kept going until Plod turned up when it was pointed out that no actual harm had been done to the Officer's jalopy. Tiger Tim who was the Staish at the time found it all most amusing!


O/T but almost as funny was the saga of the 'Minute steaks' in that Mess. It turned out later that the Mess Manager was on the fiddle and buying in cheap, rubbish meat, but I digress.

One learned that if steak was on the menu to avoid it like the plague. All that is except for one student (who later went Helos) who kept having the steak in the hope that he would eventually get a half decent one. After several attempts he wrote a rather 'pointed' comment in the Messing Suggestions Book that the steaks would be better used for re-soling DMS boots and was roundly criticised for it by the Mess Sec, to whit the Messing Suggestions Book was not the place for complaints, and that there was no evidence that there was anything wrong with the steaks.

The next time steak was on the menu our hero tried again, whilst the rest of us had fish.

Upon biting in to a morsel, he went red in the face, muttered 'Right!' under his breath and strode out of the Dining Room with the offending steak in his hand.

We later found out that he had stapled the offending item into the Messing Suggestions Book with the comment: 'Here's your bloody evidence!'

:D

IIIRC he got a week's Orderly Officer.

[161LTP]

Everyone in the NZ Army know the legend of Captain Teddy Brooker - Ex Veitnam Chopper pilot and turret head. One mess night he stole a Walker Bulldog Medium tank, parked it outside the Old Officers Mess in Waiouru, poked the barrel through the window. Gave everyone a sporting chance and let rip with a blank.
Nuse sitting on the barrel when it went off, got the ride of her life and significant burns. Mess was internally wrecked. What I didnt find out about this commonly known yarn was that a friend of mine's Dad was down the corridor in the toilets and when the blank went off the ladies toilet door was blown off and completely crushed a cubicle, thankfully with no one in it.

[BEagle]

We later found out that he had stapled the offending item into the Messing Suggestions Book with the comment: 'Here's your bloody evidence!'

Reminds me of an occasion at RAFC. After complaints about the number of cockroaches spotted scurrying about in the College Hall kitchen when it was subjected to a post-night flying eggy-bakes raid, we were assured that "There are no cockroaches in the College Hall kitchen" by The Grown Ups.

A few days later, the Messing Suggestions book was noted to be not quite closed flush. Upon inspection, a 'suggestion' was found which stated: "Sir, I suggest that this previously unknown creature be sent to the Natural History Museum for evaluation, since I am assured that it is NOT a common cockroach." On the opposite page, secured under some fablon, was a grimly struggling cockroach.......

Cost my old chum Dick "Whizzbang" W***l**e a few days OO, that did!

One other 'suggestion' which I recall was "Sir, suggest that Brie, Stilton and other fine cheeses appear on the menu on occasions other than today's visit by the Mayor of Grantham".....:\

[ExAscoteer]

Sawing Tables

Marham in the Victor (55 Sqn) / Tornado (27 + 617 Sqns) era.

That's not the only time it happened then!

Picture, if you will, a secret base in the far South West operating a type that is, sadly, no longer with us, in support of Dark Blue interests.

One resident Sqn plus the OCU gives the game away, but Dining Nights always involved attendance by members of a Dark Blue 'sister' Flying Sqn (from a base even further West), with each Sqn and Stn Wg sitting at their own tables. The Dining Night in question was the last time that Units were permitted to occupy their own tables.

Previous to the Dining Night in question, a certain Scottish Navigator had been banned from the Mess for a year for calling the Staish a 'c***' and there was a fair degree of resentment about this from members of the resident Sqn, nor least, the Officer's on that crew.

Co-Pilot of said Crew decides to play a jolly jape by sawing a table in half midway through the speeches. With a cry of 'Boring!' he leaps from his chair, grabs a chainsaw that he had secreted under the table, and promptly saws the table in half.

Not to be outdone the FAA friends think 'This is a good idea', grab the chainsaw and promptly saw their table in half.

Unfortunately for the FAA, the RAF 'table' was, in fact' a piece of block-board placed above the joint between two separate tables.


Ooops!

[Kodakman]

Been thinking about this request for stories... It might be a great idea to publish a book of these, with proceeds going to the RAF Ben Fund and Help For Heroes....

What do you think ?

The more stories the better.

Many thanks

Bob Archer

[Union Jack]

And, oh look, here's the January 2000 version at Post 11 by Jensen in a thread with a very intriguing title:

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/48124-1-gp-dining-night-waddington.html#post445596

Can't be bothered looking? Oh well, it's Friday night, it's late, so here it is:

"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at dining-in nights. On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better. Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces. After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.

Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”

Always a pleasure to help those who wear a lighter shade of blue! :ok:

Jack

[Pontius Navigator]

The Dining Night in question was the last time that Units were permitted to occupy their own tables.

OTOH you would know where to place the blame. THAT was one reason the 1 Gp dining-in night was such a success :}. It had been arranged that no two seats would be occupied by someone from the same station. We were placed where we were told. All that is except for BCBS. They had the seating plan and were able to pick and chose, not by name but by unit.

I think the idea was that a Cottesmore matey could sit with others from Cottesmore. I think to a man all they did was chose to sit by someone from Nocton Hall :)

Again that is another tale.

[chopd95]

Post 22, if that gentleman was latterly Air commodore AW Mawer, Air Comander Malta, he had a wry sense of humour. Found myself in his office one saturday lunchtime having conducted a tour of the extensive aviation fuel storage facilities at the behest of various NEAF starred luminaries. All had gone rather well, ACM invites the starred galaxy to take a pre-luncheon snifter. said VVIP's name their tipple, ACM looks to me, Iam somewhat Star struck and give the standard esponse of "G n T sir" - ACM smiles wryly and says " Philip, since you are a Flt Lt,and ex Cranwell, you might have taken the hint that my nod in your direction was not so much an invitation to imbibe, but more an indication that you should fill the glasses of these thirsty officers". I never did fathom how he knew my name, though he did hand me his aircrew watch when he departed to become the Chief Executive of Basildon new Town

[ENFP]

I started thinking about this and figured I could write a book purely on what I have witnessed myself. Oh happy days!

[foldingwings]

Royalties! You have to be joking.

This is how it works -

Book Price = £10

Publisher takes £9

Author gets £1

I know, I've done it already!

There's no money in it and if the poor old OP has to share his pound with every subscriber it will be a lot of effort for bu**er all reward - other than a book of fine stories (of which I am preserving mine for my memoirs!)

Foldie:\

PS. Unless you are JK Rowling, of course!

[Pontius Navigator]

Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above. While it is a good dining in night tale it has nothing to do with the 25th Anniversary Dining-in night of ill repute in 1965.

AOC 3 Gp had been planning to hold a similar extravaganza, probably at Marham, later that year. He received a phone call with the sucinct message "Forget it!".

As mentioned, Stapleton's career came to an abrupt stop. He completed his tour and became Commandant of the RAF Staff College. Other commandants became ACM and Marshal of the RAF.

[lsh]

Thanks for the table stories :)

Glad 55 Sqn won-out, my Grandfather served on it, in 1916!

lsh
:E

[Union Jack]

Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above.

No worries, PN but in the words of the prophet, please don't shoot the messenger!:= If you would kindly reread Post 30, you will see that I was simply quoting Jensen, whose opening words were:

"I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect ....." and 11years on you effectively have, whether a witness or not.:ok:

However, since he hasn't posted since February 2003, Jensen may not get the message.:oh:

Jack

[Canadian Break]

Sector Dining In night - Leeming in the early-mid eighties - THAT table - carrier deck landings (who forgot to remove their waistcoat?). A night to remember and a large bill to have the table top skimmed and repolished!. CB

[Kodakman]

thanks for the replies so far. I was thinking. Maybe this could be compiled into a book to raise money for the RAF Benevolent Fund and Help For Heroes. What do you all think. I certainly don't mind compiling the stories.

These hillarious activities could well go toward raising much needed funds.

Keep the stories coming... But please add the appropriate air station, and an approximation of the date.

There must be some from overseas RAF stations...Come on Germanyy, Middle East, Cyprus, Tengah,Butterworth, and maybe Nellis... There must be some great tales from deployment to Decci, Malta, North Africa, and all points west.

How about some good old piano destruction, and maybe a few car fires ??

Best wishes

Bob

[Pontius Navigator]

Union Jack, I should have picked up on your post above.

No worries, PN but in the words of the prophet, please don't shoot the messenger!:= If you would kindly reread Post 30, you will see that I was simply quoting Jensen, whose opening words were:

Jack,

I was playing the ball not the man.

Now I shall play the man. In my post #72 on the original thread, albeit 4 years after the OP, I refuted Jensen's post. I was simply trying to stop it being perpetuated once more. Admittedly he may have been confused with the take over of 3 Group by the premier Group.

[Mmmmnice]

Dining-in at Sleaford Tech - cast includes baby pilots & engineers. Suitably inebriated student pilot sent to get ball for mess rugby. Returns with hat (covered in shiny gold bits) he found on big table in mess entrance. Hat duly destroyed. Hats owner suitably distaught and not cheered up by prospect of lengthy, but fruitless, witch hunt to identify perpetrator! All present (only students of course) duly put on enforced alcohol-free diet for a week or two. The OC BFTS involved was the same who had the CFI 1021'd for carrying a flying suit in a coffin into the bar in Tr*nch*rd after coveralls was banned as suitable rig to wear when having a beer.........happy days

[Union Jack]

I was simply trying to stop it being perpetuated once more.

Spoilsport! As Mark Twain may, or may not, have said "Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.":D However, your desire to set the record straight is highly commendable, even if it took four years.;)

Jack

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Kodakman:
Piano burning - several Squadrons used to have an OIC piano acquisition due to the consumption rate. They'd even be shipped on overseas detachments marked "engine spares" to ensure supply.

One Brawdy Air Show party in the '80s was an excellent effort. Piano burning was banned by the PMC due to having the 'player' become a 'burner' once too often. A humongous replica was built outside on the croquet lawn from ex-Summer Ball backdrops, avtur and triggered by Canberra starting cartridges. The subsequent conflagration was magnificent, as was the response at 9am Sunday when a new croquet lawn was required, by lunchtime.

[Exnomad]

Did any vice really get up and toast "Kinklemen, the Gen" as often rumoured, or introduce a bottle of creme de menthe to pass to the right.

[BEagle]

There used to be a notice on the side of the piano in the OM bar at RAF Brawdy which said something along the lines of "Should anyone consider that their ex-squadron traditions include burning pianos, you may burn this one provided that it is then replaced at a cost of £___" - and the current replacement cost was displayed under some perspex attached to the notice.

In 1976 it was around £500, if I recall correctly!

Some Lightning mob did manage to burn the 'wrong' piano at RAF Valley whilst on STCAAME det, I understand.....:\

As for that sector conference at RAF Leeming on Friday 29 November 1985, the cost of getting the mess table re-polished was considerable! Thanks mainly to the Lightning mob who did the 'matchstick across the top' trick on all the candles, covering the table in hot wax. Another of their gang decided to put a thunderflash into a copper plant pot on an antique table. Grab plant, pull out attached to clod of earth, insert fizzing pyro, replace in plant pot and retire to safe distance anticipating a loud bang and showers of earth......

....but that didn't happen. There was a muffled "whoomp", the plant and earth didn't move much, but the copper plant pot certainly did - downwards! It split the antique table in half as though hit by a sledgehammer - it then collapsed in a heap of wood, earth, plant and pot :uhoh:. Yet more added to the overall bill, split amongst everyone who attended.

We flew back to Brize rather quietly the next day in our Mk2 Vickers FunBus (ZA141) - with navigator Womph looking very smart in green grow bag with No. 5 shoes; someone else had flown the jet up and Womph had forgotten to bring his flying boots!

Splendid event though - CC was the President for the night.

Although tricks such as nitrogen tri-iodide sandwiched between 2 layers of knee-pad hidden under the block, which makes a surprisingly loud bang when struck by the gavel before dinner (Chivenor), or cling film stretched across the ladies loo seats (Cranwell) are reasonably well known, as is enlisting a dentist to drill tiny holes in the top table's wine glasses (Honignton), a more recent piece of villainy involves fabloning 'adult material' underneath the top table's place mats (Brize Norton) - which is then revealed when the mess staff remove everything else prior to the loyal toast....:ooh:

A carefully positioned piece of plastic tubing, windscreen washer pump and water reservoir connected to a hidden battery can be fun - if aimed at the PMC's trousers. In mid-speech there's just a quite whirring sound, followed by a large wet patch on the PMC's willy area.....:eek:

[Canadian Break]

Or the old style 2 part foam mixture in the ladies loo - one part in the cistern and one part in the pan! :E

[teeteringhead]

a more recent piece of villainy involves fabloning 'adult material' underneath the top table's place mats (Brize Norton) - which is then revealed when the mess staff remove everything else prior to the loyal toast...Not that recent BEags, first happened to me more than 20 years ago at Shawbury at a CFS(H) DIN which coincided with a significant birthday of mine.

I was flanked by attractive WRAFs who I feared (all right - hoped :E) might really be strippers, but conversation proved otherwise. (But Hazel probably did the business later on.)

Expecting something throughout the meal, I checked ever glass, utensil and foodstuff to no avail - and then was caught (as you suggest) when the place mat was removed. Cue apparent shock from WRAFs (yeah right) and self trying to hide the display with untidily folded arms ......

Happy Days .....

[FODPlod]

I was tasked one Christmas lunch to booby trap the Mess Pres of a certain Joint Services Officers' Mess with the foil-wrapped contents of an F77 'puffer det' taped to the underside of his place at the table. As he rose to speak, I initiated the charge whereupon he disappeared in a cloud of white smoke.

He must have briefed his relief because the following year, the new Mess Pres invited the Guest of Honour to sit in his place instead.

[BBadanov]

Dining-ins, Dining-outs - great fun, completely unrepeatable out in civvie street. With the flying, it really is part of great fun and companionship that we look back on. Great times.

The OCU departure at Honington - rockets firing - bit scary but we had enough to drink to enjoy the fireworks!!

I remember jumping onto the table at Laarbruch in my Superman outfit (hidden under the mess kit) when OC XV said, completely unrehearesed, that 16 looked upon us as supermen!! LOL

Plus Friday night happy hours, and piano burnings - 45-25-25, so sorry that you had to ban me from the Mess for 3 months!

I joined the commercial world and would travel 1st Class - but it was never the same. Thanks for the memories :ok:

[BEagle]

Not that recent BEags, first happened to me more than 20 years ago at Shawbury at a CFS(H) DIN which coincided with a significant birthday of mine.

After 'Pink Wednesday', the selection of fabloned 'material' became rather more.....unusual :eek:. I hate to think how/where the perpetrators obtained it, but the effect upon their victim was rather.....startling!

[1.3VStall]

BBadanov,

I was at the Bucc OCU dining out at Honington and remember it well, There was a splendid model of a Bucc, equipped with four Martels, affixed to the rear wall of the dining room.

After the loyal toast a whining noise could be heard from the model and shortly after one of the Martels fired and lodged itself in the wall adjacent to the kitchen door. The perpetrator of this episode, allegedly L** W******g, had also devised a warhead, which then blew a hole in the wall. Splendid.

The rest of the evening in the bar was punctuated by various pyrotechnic events to accompany the singing and other ribaldry.

The funny thing was that the new staish, who was just about to take over, ( T***** N******s) observed all this activity with an increasing sense of humour failure. The departing staish, the young P**** H*****g, watched on with amusement as he knew he was departing the fix.

Happy days!;)

[BBadanov]

After the loyal toast a whining noise could be heard from the model and shortly after one of the Martels fired and lodged itself in the wall adjacent to the kitchen door. The perpetrator of this episode, allegedly L** W******g, had also devised a warhead, which then blew a hole in the wall. Splendid.

1.3VStall - it was indeed L** W******g who devised the cunning plan and carried it out with true pyrotechnic panache and precision, in his cool, calm, collected Basil Fawlty persona!!

IMMSMR, we all threw in for the repairs to the wall and the door to the kitchen... and then went to Lossie. Good bothy up there, and good Balls.

[foldingwings]

I thought it was rocket pods rather than Martel but who cares! It was all electrically initiated with LW sitting with the battery and 2 wires ready to connect at the precise moment!

Didn't the rocket skim the heads of those present to a shout of 'Duck'!

Remember well being told at my first (operational) Dining In on my first tour that I needed to preposition my gas mask and tin hat underneath the table prior to dinner at LLK in 1972!

As soon as the glasses hit the tables after the Loyal Toast, the XV Sqn tables were rolled over to form a barricade, gas masks and tin hats adorned and then the flour bomb assault on II Sqn (on the far leg) commenced! We beat them as they didn't have any protective clothing with them!!!!!

Buccs 1 Phantoms 0

Foldie:\

[allan907]

Not a DI but merely an extremely convivial evening in the bar of THOM at Sleaford Tech where we were in the final stages of professional training. There were two groups of us - our large and boisterous party and a more sedate, well dressed and older party.

Time came for bar closing so we passed round the hat for the barman to keep it open. The older party declined (probably past their bed time) and went to one of the booths to finish their drinks and keep a little away from the noise.

It was a bit of a surprise then when one of that party, a little while later, wanders up to the bar and orders another round of drinks. Not on. A quiet word was passed but - nothing - no contribution!

Fair game. A lot of loud and ribald comments were passed until the older party became too embarrassed and left.

Anyway, once we had all been assembled the following morning to hear the passed on diatribe from the Commandant of RAFC who had been embarrassed in front of his visiting very senior officer guests we realised that, perhaps, we ought to have recognised him from his pic in the guardroom.

It was then that I realised that, no matter how high you climb up the greasy pole, if they don't do the manners bit right at OCTU/IOT then it stands out - you can't really polish a turd even if has got gold braid.

[Pontius Navigator]

The funny thing was that the new staish, who was just about to take over, ( T***** N******s) observed all this activity

He was there? Bad form.

The incoming OC should never attend the farewell to the outgoing OC. He will learn how popular the old man was and how difficult an act it would be to follow.

He may also learn things he might better have not learnt.

I don't recall in all my time ever having an incoming boss at the farewell of an outgoing one at any level.

[langleybaston]

Mess fun, but subtle, oh! so subtle!

Training base. Big re-jigging of urinals, baths, washbasins in progress. Two naughty Met. men in short-term residence.
Students overheard, as they were meant to, the naughty men discussing how difficult life would be at 3 AM after Works and Bricks had installed urine detectors in the some of the wash basin S bends.
Six months later one of the Met. men, back again for a short stay, was solemly warned about about the detectors by a student.

Did same thing at JHQ 10 years later, and it worked again.

No fool like a young fool!

[dmussen]

BEagle,
Could this be the Lightning mob in for the W/E in 1974.
Their Boss had achieved 2000 hrs. on type.
A big party ensued on the Saturday night and too many pyros were loaded into the piano. It was outside the bar on the terrace.
When it went up half the glazing dissapeared on the south side of the building.
The french doors to the bar were open and the curtains caught fire.
I got a gash ride next morning in a T5 for helping to organise the operation.
M 1.7 down the Irish Sea before Breaky is a great way to cure a hangover.

[foldingwings]

PN, you clearly never met T***** N******* or TNT as he was known! A previous F4 man and former OC XV Sqn Buccs, he was the first GR1 Staish at TWCU. I arrived there for my GR1 Cse after TTTE and having thrown my bag in my room, grabbing a tie in my haste, rushed to the bar for a few beers with mates. TNT was there that Sunday night. He eventually came over to me and said: 'if you think that tie will help you through this course, think again!'. I had grabbed my XV Sqn tie and he had completely misinterpreted my intent, which was only to be properly dressed!

Welcome (back) to Honington, Foldie!

A man not troubled by self doubt, he did and went whatever and wherever he wanted!

:p

[BEagle]

dmussen, I think that might have been the event! I arrived at 4FTS in January 1975 and people were still talking about the Lightning mob's villainy!

Another 'Lightning visitors v. OM Valley' happened a few months later. We'd been summoned to listen to a presentation about the Buccaneer late one afternoon. When the navigator did his bit and flashed up complicated slides about Bunt Retard, AutoDSL etc. etc., eyelids began to droop and people were in danger of nodding off in the late afternoon sun-filled ante-room....

....until, that is, with a mighty roar a departing Lightning det beat seven shades of $hit out of the mess in a long line astern tail chase. They then pulled up over Caergolliwg, causing yet more mayhem. Stn Cdr 'Tojo' stormed out of the room with a face like thunder and we could hear the phone conversation he had with the Lightning Stn Cdr from the ante-room! The ex-WIWOL QFIs thought it was hilarious - which was more than could be said for the Bucc nav!

[Mach Two]

Good dits, chaps! Busy at the moment, but will come up with something for you later. Cyprus Mess always a good source of fun. I tried Googling "dining-in nights" to widen your net a bit, but only found mess rules etc. Mind you, I only delved 3 or 4 pages into it.

If you publish all the stories here, no one needs to pay for the book, do they?

[Pontius Navigator]

No need of urine detectors in the wooden huts at Hullavington in '62, no wash basins.

Instead we had the dawn chorus:

"Morning Tony."

"Morning Dave."

etc etc

Timing was immaculate.

[Pontius Navigator]

Foldie, I probably have, briefly but don't recognise the initials.

[FODPlod]

Another wheeze was to remove the plug on the u-bend of someone's wash basin. One victim was seen emptying the water after placing a gash bin underneath to catch the spillage. "Ha, ha. You'll have to get up earlier in the morning to catch me out that way," he boasted before emptying the contents of his gash bin back into the sink...

Then there was the occasion we had some Royal Engineers as guests, completely forgetting they wore spurs as we stood on the tables (one of which had come from the battleship on which the Japanese signed the surrender of Singapore) to perform the traditional after-dinner singing. The damage was costly.

When I asked one of the Sappers afterwards why they wore spurs, he said it went back to the Napoleonic wars. When an RE woke up next to some warm body in a barn where he had been billeted, he would gently rake it with his spurs. If it complained, he knew it wasn't his horse.

The less said about using the dumb waiter to mount a raid on the galley at 0500, the better.

[chippy63]

Yes, GW came to one of our dining-in nights at OUAS in the 60's; I believe he lost an arm rescuing aircrew from a burning aircraft when he was running a Bomber Command OCU in the Midlands. A feat for which he was awarded the GC.

[Pontius Navigator]

Yes, GW . . . lost an arm rescuing aircrew from a burning aircraft when he was running a Bomber Command OCU in the Midlands. A feat for which he was awarded the GC.

Not quite. The crew had actually made a successful escape but he didn't know that. He lost his arm when the aircraft blew up.

[ZRX61]

Regarding posts about mess cannons etc: If you build a spud cannon with a 3/4in dia barrel, you can fire frozen tater tots which are remarkably dangerous/effective. It's like getting hit by a biodegradable .50BMG AP round....

Just thought I'd share that... :E

[Old-Duffer]

Sadly, Gus Walker did not receive a gallantry award for his attempted rescue of a crew. He won a DFC and DSO with 50 Sqn in 1941 and post-war rose to Air Chief Marshal, adding a GCB and a CBE to the tally.

Perhaps we should put down a marker to toast his centenary on 24 August next year.

Old Duffer

[olddog]

Variation on Piano Burning

Late 60's (Showing my age) St Mawgan. Morning after DI night with members of Ark Royal invited as guests, PMC notes rather expensive piano is missing from ante room. Contacts Ark Royal who reply - We are at sea, yes we have it on board, unless you contribute mightily to RN Bene Fund, will use to test catapult (Remember them?) crossing 10 West!

PMC promises to contribute. Hour or so later helo arrives with under slung load - piano shaped. Pilot asks where do you want it. Air Traffic say on Lawn outside Officers Mess. Piano (Ringer) dropped onto lawn from 50 ft - matchwood. PMC fumes. Meanwhile JOs from Mess who have been in from start retrieve real piano from hiding place in Mess and replace in Ante Room!

[Schiller]

There was a story concerning The Abandoned Earl - Air Marshal the Earl of Bandon - many moons ago.

He was visiting a V-bomber base and, at the associated dining-in night, threw himself enthusiastically into the post-dinner festivities. After several beers he wandered out for a pee. Most 1930's style messes have an identical layout, but, over time, the sanitary facilities tend to get moved about. The Air Marshal searched for the appropriate place, without success, and eventually, hydraulic pressures being what they were, he dived into a cabin and peed into the washbasin. The astonished occupier woke up and essayed a cautious "Good evening, Sir".

The Earl zipped himself up, stared down at the officer and said "Good God, some people will sleep anywhere!".

[Courtney Mil]

I'm bound to get corrected on this, but stories here aren't told under oath. I was there and this is how I remember it (copied from my journal with minor amendments for this audience - one or two more there if you're interested). So here goes.

Whilst on 29 Squadron, I signed-up for a Station Dining-In Night at which we were to say farewell to a certain engineer. He had, shall we say, a reputation for being somewhat long-winded. As he was the senior departing guest, he was bound to have to make a speech. We, the young 'shags' on 29 Squadron, decided that it was up to us to brighten up an otherwise dull event. We hit upon a solution and swung into action in order to prepare for Operation Pink Rabbit.

By the evening of the dinner, everything was in place and awaiting the execute signal from the Senior Flying Officer. The departing engineer rose to his feet and began his dissertation. As expected, it went on a bit. So the signal was given and we sprang into action. The JP was pre-positioned by one of the large sash windows in the Officers' Mess Dining Room. He threw open the window and stood back. In rushed a small, somewhat startled, baby pig wearing a mop cap and a 29 Squadron T-shirt with a helium balloon tied to his tail.

Not surprisingly, this caused a bit of a stir amongst the diners. The little chap trotted proudly around the room, investigating the various titbits that were being surreptitiously dropped under the tables for him. He was having a wonderful time and was on his best behaviour. According to one of the OCU navs, however, he was being a bit too quiet for the ambience of the occasion. He (the nav) decided to strike up a conversation with him (the pig). This encouraged the little porker to start squealing. This, naturally, caused a significant amount of jocularity around the dining room - all except the speaker who was still droning on, totally failing to notice that he was not commanding the total attention of his audience. The fact that he continued to plough-on through his interminable monologue, oblivious to the fact that no one was listening any more, made the whole affair even more humorous. The stifled giggles turned into unstifled ones, which, in turn, became hearty chortles, which, as is so often the way, eventually became raucous laughter.

Eventually, either through the desire to restore some degree of decorum to the proceedings or through a sense of pity for the poor speaker, the rose to his feet and banged his gavel, commanding silence. The riot gradually abated. There was silence apart from Porky who was busy snuffling his way through one gentleman's port. The PMC ordered 'Twenty-nine Squadron, catch that pig!'

You know when you've said the wrong thing, don't you? What happened next can only be described as a comedy classic from the Keystone Cops. Twenty officers of assorted ranks in single file chasing the piglet who, realising that he was about to be down-graded from top-table to sty, was weaving his way through the mess furniture. The laughter was, again, riotous. This went on for fully five minutes until one of the flight commanders managed a flying rugby tackle and captured the creature. Strangely enough, the surname of the flight commander in question was Trotter.

The end result of all that was that 29 Squadron was 'invited' to leave the dinner and were banned, by the Station Commander, from ever mentioning the pig again - hence the term 'pink rabbit.'

[BEagle]

Courtney Mil - are you the same chap who fell asleep and promptly fell off his chair during an interminably boring JUBILEE GUARDSMAN brief at Coningsby? I recall a clatter of furniture and much tittering from the 29 Sqn gang.....

Glad to hear the true story of the 'Pink Rabbit' at last! Much as the secondhand accounts I'd heard over the last 30 years or so. Of course the Stn Cdr was the infamous Ba$tard Bill, whose sense of humour didn't extend to Roy's pig-wrestling antics. His subsequent edict to ban any mention of the event merely ensured that The Tale of the Pink Rabbit spread rapidly around the RAF!

Was it true that the sequel was that the RAFP discovered the porker's transit box outside the OM window, checked it in case it was an IED and were then less than amused to find a box full of pig $hit, taking it to be a calculated insult?

[Courtney Mil]

Yes, BEagle, I have to confess it was I. And it was I that spent the entire duration of the next dining in speaches standing on the table so that Ba$tard Bill could see what I was doing. I was a wonderful flying officer!!!

I would love to confirm the tale of the piggy's transit box, but the truth is actually worse. One of the other flying officers was tasked with collecting the pig from a local farmer and returning it unharmed. He did this by collecting it in his BWM, which is where he was returned to after the episode and stayed there for the rest of the night. He never ever managed to get rid of the stains or the stench.

Nothing to worry about, he's a BA pilot now.

Courtney

[BEagle]

I guessed it must have been thee!

The antics of 29's Fg Offs really brightened up rather a depressing Coningsby under Ba$tard Bill - even he couldn't dampen the spirit of true fighter aircrew Flying Officers!

But later came the banger racing incident, I gather - after Bill had buggered off elsewhere, of course.

[Courtney Mil]

Yes, that's right. I had moved up to 43 by then so missed the burning. Lucky really, because I would certainly have found myself right in the middle of it.

[BEagle]

Lucky really, because I would certainly have found myself right in the middle of it. Undoubtedly, old horseman, undoubtedly!

Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire - did you leave CGY under Ba$tard Bill only to find yourself on 43 under The Scottish Officer :mad:?

Perhaps another ex-CGY mate will be able to recount the true story of the OM banger racing (and subsequent burning)? I seem to remember it hit the newspaper headlines.

[Courtney Mil]

Indeed I did. Din't I do well. It's alright, though, I took his Master Green away from him! :cool:

[APG63]

And you hired 111 Sqn to throw him out of the window in the Officers' Mess Bar!

[langleybaston]

Not a DIN tale , but a large car and a MetMan.

Pete T***d was a forecaster at Brueggen, and a member of the RAFVR Mobile Met Unit. He wangled a jolly or a FamFlight from Brueggen, and parked his car in SMetOs slot then buggered off for a fortnight.
The SMetO and staff took exception and bumped the Merc. over to the fenced instrument enclosure, removed 10 feet of immaculate white picket fence, put the car inside, replaced the fence, and waited for officer T***d to return.

Unfortunately CMetO was not invited to the fireworks on the return, so I cannot add any more.

A month later officer T***d had a sense of humour recovery.

Best briefer in RAFG.

RIP Pete.

[BEagle]

My, what jolly japes you weather-guessers must have enjoyed....

Parking slots. The bane of many a JP's life. Even I briefly had one with 'CFI' on it outside the training flight building. Apart from a certain AT QFI ("Sooooooooo, co-pilot......."), no-one seemed particularly concerned. I soon found out why - it was under trees infested with what can only have been a flock of incontinent pterodactyls, judging by the state of my car in the early summer. But one of the Stn Cdr's few good ideas was to decree that only Wg Cdrs and above should have their own slots, so that was that - the sign went.

However, back in the days when RAF Scampton was a proper RAF base with 3 squadrons of tin triangles, the junior shags were rather unamused at the appearance of a sign bearing the legend 'DWO' in a prime spot outside the OM. This was a space to which some senior MPBW/DoE bod had decided he was entitled.

The shags thought otherwise. So the sign was removed and another appeared with 'JFO' instead. (Junior Flying Officer).

Round 1 to the shags.

The DWO was rather miffed. So one day a working party appeared with a new sign riveted to a reinforced steel pole and half a cubic yard of concrete. Instead of the normal signs which simply pushed into the grass, so that they could be taken out when the grass-cutter appeared, this magnificent erection was of a significantly more permanent design.....

Round 2 to the DWO.

What should have aroused suspicion was the appearance of a group of said shags during the construction process. Who, to plagiarise War of the Worlds, '"...regarded this activity with envious eyes; and slowly, and surely, they drew their plan...". Which was simple - once the concrete had set and the sign was permanently secure, a couple of cans of spray paint and a stencil amended the DWO's sign back to 'JFO'.....

Game set and match to the shags - until the PMC or some other fun-detector put a stop to the contest after much whingeing from the 'Blunders and Wonders' blunty.

[teeteringhead]

Can't remember which Station, but I recall somewhere they had a named parking slot outside the Mess as a Christmas Draw prize!

Must have been a Staish with a sense of humour - 'twas the whole nine yards, properly painted white on blue sign ........:ok:

[London Eye]

And although funny parking slot stories are few and far between I still remember sniggering at the addition of 'Oooooooooh' above the word 'MATRON' in her parking slot outside the Officers' Mess Akrotiri after a particularly well lubricated evening.

[tartare]

Carrier landings seem to be some sort of mess tradition in various air forces?
An old boss who was a former RNZAF blunty driver told me a story about Mr Vice initiating such a session at the mess at Ohakea.
Long tables, lubricated with beer, travelled along by young, sliding flying officers...

[rolling20]

Parking story, well sort of...One sunny day in 1982 ,I and an APO on UWAS were driving past the St Athans Officers mess at a spirited pace in a early 1960's Vauxhall Viva owned and driven by the said APO. There was IIRC a car park round the back?
Unfortunately slap bang outside the ante-room was the SWO with a litter party.
SWO must have thought it was Xmas come early, to catch what he thought were two eerks taking the michael!
'SSTTOOOOOPPPP RAGHT THEEREEE'
We did. He then proceeded to put his head up very close to the drivers window. I am sure the car rocked as he then shouted:
'WHHATTTT DOO YOU THINK YOU ARE A DOOOOING, DRIVIIING PASSST THE OFFICEERS MESSSSS?!'
Before he could administer any further diatribe, APO had produced very coolly his 1250. The SWO lent back , stood up straight , gave a quick salute and bade us a good day.
APO and me laughed ourselves stupid round the back of the mess, but we daren't do it in the SWO's presence.

[dazdaz1]

Gentlemen/Ladies, not being a member of the military, I hope this post will not be deleted. Food, being one of my enjoyments in life I've often wondered about Officer's mess dinners/day to day menu.

On a normal day come dinner, are you offered a 2/3/4 course? I would be grateful as to starters, main and sweet courses. Do you have a cheese selection?

Regards.

Daz

ps. I am not employed by the MOD

[etimegev]

I may have posted this story before (under a different name), but here goes....in the mid 80s at Wittering OC Admin was extremely possessive about his parking spot which was adjacent to the front door of SHQ. Unfortunately that position attracted anyone paying a quick visit to SHQ if the slot was empty for any reason. If the offending vehicle was still there on OC A's return he would go ballistic. Successive orders in SROs failed to cure the problem and each occurrence simply added to the accumulating angst.

I decided that I needed to do something about this (I was OC PMS) so, once he had departed for lunch one day I called up the Armament Support Unit who kindly parked a Scimitar tank in the slot for me.

The look on OC A's face as he came around the corner on his way back from lunch was priceless! No one-way interview because he fortunately saw the funny side of it.

[Tankertrashnav]

On a normal day come dinner, are you offered a 2/3/4 course? I would be grateful as to starters, main and sweet courses. Do you have a cheese selection?

Certainly did in the 60s and 70s when I was in. Some days we even had a savoury (eg angels on horseback) to finish - first time I had come across them! Wine was only for dining in/guest nights, so we normally drank (tap) water only with the meal. Cheese always available and you helped yourself from a side table. Coffee always taken in the ante room, and there was strictly no smoking in the dining room except on guest nights, after the loyal toast. Standards of food varied from mess to mess but I always thought it was pretty good.

Seating arrangements were generally around tables of eight, and you could basically sit were you wanted, so a new PO could find himself sitting next to a crusty old wing commander, although human nature being what it is people usually sat with their friends. Dress codes were pretty strict - suits on a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, sports jackets or blazer on the other days (with collar and tie of course).

No idea what it's like now - they probably all kneel round a communal trough of baked beans (with apologies to Basil Fawlty ;) )

[DGAC]

There was an occasion at a Dining-In night when Mr Vice was the subject of great amusement and embarassment. The sequence of events was something like this:

The port was circulated and the fellow officer on the right of Mr Vice only 1/2 filled his glass with port and then topped it up with cigarette lighter fluid.

The chap to the left of Mr Vice distracted him whilst glasses were switched over.

The PMC called "Mr Vice, the Queen"

Mr Vice picked up his glass, started the loyal toast with "Gentlemen"

Chap on right flicks his gas lighter at Mr Vice's glass, which immediately ignites

Who then finishes the toast with "Jesus H Christ", drops his glass and spreads fire across the table!!

[Tinribs]

100 Sqn dining in, boss v unpop. Laurie Davis Mr Vice.
Loud noises from kitchen during bosses speech because door opened by someone crawling across the floor out of sight.
Bos, B...B.... Mr Vice the door, meaning Laurie should close the door


Laurie stands raises his glass loudly announces "gentlemen the door", we all stand and toast the door, B... B.... goes funny colour.


Laurie later killed in PR9 crash. Photos of body on fire in gutter published by photo journo. G.... G....

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

234 Sqn Backwards Dinner (Start: Lying on floor of bar with empty pint glass in hand...)

Unable to face the soup course after the main course, one of the old hands stood up, drained a glass of wine, announced "Gentlemen, sorry I'm late" and left. :ok:

[Hydromet]

strictly no smoking in the dining room except on guest nights, after the loyal toast.
"Gentlemen, the Queen. You may now bring your cigarettes out from under the table."

[dmussen]

Valley. A Saturday night in 1973 ish. Piano on veranda goes bang. A BIG BANG !! French doors in bar open. Curtains catch fire. Much fine ale wasted before extinguishers found and used. Many windows on the south side of the mess shattered. Something to do with a Lightning boss from far-off Germany celebrating 2,000 hours on type at missile camp. The story goes he took out a Jindivik with the guns (unconfirmed).:D

[ricardian]

Because so many pilots died during World War I, the RAF was forced to select its pilots from the general population, instead of the preferred upper class. The RAF believed that piano lessons would not only increase the pilots' level of culture, but also improve their dexterity. The tradition of piano burning began at RAF Leuchars, where the building housing the only piano on base burned down accidentally. The RAF could not afford to replace the piano, so piano lessons were cancelled. Word quickly spread, and soon pilots at other RAF bases burnt their pianos to avoid lessons. This act became a sign of triumph, defiance and celebration. Various stories exist as to why this became a tradition to mark the death of RAF, officer pilots during WW2. A beer for each dead colleague was placed on the top of the upright piano. The piano was then burned, along with the issued contents of the officer's clothing locker. His fellow officers then drank on the bar bill of their fallen colleague and the bill was subsequently written-off by the mess. It is still followed by today's Royal Air Force and has been adopted by other Air Forces around the World.

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-0/p180x540/12065868_10156231244740596_2095596066362723211_n.jpg?oh=b70f c303e2de0cb67b47f70089f99d06&oe=56C656E3

[Exnomad]

Unauthorised mess guest at RAF Sidi Barani (Tripoli) (1953). The biggest cockroaches seen anywhere wandering thriugh the mess.

[langleybaston]

Fiery pianos?
Met forecaster RAF Nicosia c. 1962 punished for pouring a pint into an ill-
tuned but not flambeed mess piano!
As a pianist it offended him.
Made it soggy and difficult to light.

[The_1]

Can't think of any equals to the tales that have gone before.

I can only think of very tame examples of wine glasses/bottles/anything filled with p**s when one could not hold on any longer...or of people crawling under the table (and getting a good kicking whilst down there) in order to get close to the exit/entrance and watching them leopard crawl the rest of the way...of hiding people's chairs as they left when permitted to relieve themselves...or of trying to get the newbies to touch the mess silver ... etc

Great memories all the same. And much of it done with the silent approval of the PMC. Sadly I wonder how much of this one could get away with today with the ubiquity of the mobile phone and the instant photo upload before the dinner is over?

[olympus]

Not an RAF story but it is military...

In my youth, and after the RAF declined to offer me a flying commission I found myself with a Short Service Commission and serving in Germany with an infantry regiment of northern persuasion.

The loyal toast in this regiment was 'The Queen, The Duke of Lancaster' and it was the practice of the more senior subalterns to endeavour to get the most junior (who would be 'Mr Vice' on the night) sufficiently intoxicated prior to the loyal toast so that he would utter the immortal words 'Gentlemen, the Queen, the Duke of Tadcaster'!:E

[Melchett01]

I've yet to go to a dining-in night that equalled or bettered many of the evenings during my first tour. The Mess went through peaks and troughs of livers in an JOs and my arrival coincided with a surge in the number of junior guys being posted in which made for a party atmosphere most evenings but especially at dining in nights.

I remember at one particular dinner with a PMC that was a nice guy but a bit hard work at times and a couple of rather stuffy Wg Cdrs on the top table. Having sat through dinner the top table finally got round to asking why there was a big gaffer tape cross on the carpet in front of the top table. Almost immediately a remote controlled tank made its way across the floor from under the table and proceeded to park up on the cross. The turret rotated towards the top table and then the tank proceed to open fire on the top table with little plastic pellets before driving off again once it had run out of ammo. Said Wg Cdrs really weren't happy. Stn Cdr thought it was hilarious.

On one other dining in Mr Vice, a very young plt off, was given a McDonalds Happy Meal which caused a good deal of harrumphing from him and sniggering from us. At the same dinner a good friend of mine who was being dined out decided to 'improve' on her Mess Kit by ditching the normal shoes and replacing them with thigh high PVC FMBs. Stn Cdr didn't know where to look when she got into position on the floor for the tug of war!

Unfortunately the last dining in night I was at a couple of weeks ago was pretty dull, no jolly japes or hijinks. By all accounts that's par for the course these days. We've definitely lost the art of a good dining-in night.

[teeteringhead]

with the ubiquity of the mobile phone and the instant photo upload decided to 'improve' on her Mess Kit by ditching the normal shoes and replacing them with thigh high PVC FMBs Any chance of combining these two facts ........? :E

.......... thought not. :(

[Wander00]

Talking of name boards, who remembers DC at Binbr..k having a name board made by PSA for the Staish's house (but cannot remember what he called it) , whereupon the wg cdrs cajoled PSA into making boards for the other big houses - "Maple Manor", Lions' Leap" "Eagles' Eyrie" etc. DC less than amused ISTR

[Minnie Burner]

I recall a water-themed dining-in which started benignly with the Stn Rock & one water-pistol, escalated via the ingress of the Stn Rock's Austin A35 through the front doors whilst all were under fire from two mk6 (?) crash trucks and ended with the coming together of the A35 and one of the mess cast-iron radiators. The central heating system ran gamely until all the piping hot water was in the mess carpets, which shrank alarmingly. It was remarkably cold (and humid) in the mess that weekend. Not much chance of getting your mess kit dry.

[Dougie M]

There was a renowned pyromaniac hunter pilot in Bahrain, recently arrived from Khormaksar whose inventiveness in jolly japes was legend. At one Dining In his work was evident when after Grace the top table's snacking irons all fell to the floor as chairs were pulled back, having all been painstakingly attached with black thread to the chair legs. The Staish, "Twinkle" indulgently called for more cutlery and then the suspicious lump under the carpet uttered a loud bang and a liferaft inflated and lifted the table again with much rude gassing off. This too was removed and the meal resumed. At this stage the two artillery shell cases each end of the top table detonated and what appeared to be flour bags shot up and hit the ceiling. The contents then spread out and descended in fine graded grains on the senior officers. The whole top table diners suddenly became old men with white hair and eyebrows. The rubicon had been crossed. "H*****r-H***s" bellowed the Staish. "Sir" came the reply. "Leave the Mess". "Sir"
It was rather boring after that.

[Tankertrashnav]

I remember H-----r H----s when I was a Rockape at Khormaksar. Some years later when I had become a nav I bumped into him again, and his opening remark was "I see you've become talking ballast!"

Top bloke though :ok: