View Full Version : Idiotic Observations, New Baby

1st Oct 2011, 20:37
Can someone please explain to me what happens to adult women's brains when a baby arrives in the family, and when whatever it is is likely to stop ?

New child now progressed to two years old.
Empties breakfast drink over his head.
Women in family say "Oh, Bless !"
Throws food on floor. "Oh, Bless !"
Says a rude word. "Oh Bless !"


New baby a few weeks old, Farts, Burbs, Opens Eyes, Shuts Eyes, Farts, Craps, Burps, etc. Quite normal and what one would expect of a youngling. But women in family say "Oh love him !" (or alternatively, "Oh love her") at every banal movement.

As I noticed the only woman who was not uttering these asinine ejaculations was the child/baby's mother (who had a look of grim never-again determination on her face) I ventured to peer at the squirming baby and observe in a gruff manly voice at the appropriate time "Well, I see it's still alive, then" following which no-one spoke to me for a week.

So this was obviously the wrong thing to say. But "Bless" ? "Love him" ?

1st Oct 2011, 20:41
Funny you would mention this. I was thinking back of my childhood just this morning while reading my first diary.

Day 1: Still tired from the move.

Day 2: Everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot.

Gertrude the Wombat
1st Oct 2011, 21:14
"Well, I see it's still alive, then"
We called ours "it" until they were human, ie could talk.

Having got into the habit of calling our own babies "it" we now call any baby we see "it", just automatically. This does occasionally get us funny looks.

1st Oct 2011, 21:16
Last year, a friend whose wife was expecting their first baby, asked me for any sage advice. This is what I replied:

'...I'm not sure what 'sage advice' I can give on babies except:

Get the game 'Buckaroo'. It is very similar to feeding a baby; i.e. just as the last mouthful goes in/last shovel goes on the back of the mule, the whole lot gets launched...
Every mother thinks her child is a light sleeper and different to everyone elses. Make as much noise as you can when the child is asleep, and get them used to it.
Anything that goes in the mouth will come out at least one orifice shortly after. (My son used to have about 9 bottles to get him to sleep, and a corresponding number of nappy changes).
Don't waste money on buying everything new . The baby won't know where the buggy/cot/car seat/babygrows came from.
Wear the little b*gg*r out if you want a good night's rest. Pushing a baby around in a buggy all day just leaves them fully charged for the night. Evening trips to the playground are a good idea.
Practice cutting your fingers off, in case you get asked by the midwife to cut the umbilical cord, it has about the same level of resistance. This must be the most grotesque thing I have ever done.
Get the baby eating solids ASAP. Baby rice fills them up far better than just breast milk. Don't believe the recommended age. You can start them on it much sooner.
Sterilisers are a waste of money (Even my neighbour who was a nurse in a baby unit agrees with this). Within a matter of weeks the baby won't eat anything that hasn't been on the floor at least twice.
Don't waste money on little jars of baby food. Puree up and cook potatoes, carrots, swedes etc, and shovel it in. My son would eat loads of this and it cost next to nothing. The same applies with fruit for dessert.
Don't give them whole bars of chocolate etc. They just make a mess and rot their teeth. If you do give chocolate/sweets, only a small bite sized piece at a time.
Don't let a child see a dessert before finishing its main course, otherwise it will lose interest in the main course straight away.
Agree not to disagree with your wife in sight of the child. The child rapidly learns to play one parent off against the other, once they can see a chink in the parental armour.
Don't waste your breath arguing with parent or inlaws on how to bring up the child. Just nod & agree and do it your way when they've gone.
Children bounce well. Most knocks and scrapes don't warrant a trip to A&E. Severe bangs on the head I would say are the exception to this (if it sounded like a bowling ball being dropped).
Plan feeding and nappy changes so there is the least opportunity for difficult to clear up mess. A sheet of plastic on the floor and baby securely strapped & duct taped into the high chair helps. Never let the child have the bowl/cup of food/drink within arm's length or it will end up on you/the floor/the walls. A moulded plastic bib is a lot less work than the towelling ones that need washing every time.
Women haven't a clue how to change nappies. They sit the baby in to poo before they take the nappy off, just making more mess to clean up. The correct way with a dryish poo is to sit on the loo, lay the baby on your lap with the wet wipes in reach, open the nappy, use a wet wipe to chuck the poo down the toilet, then wipe the baby with the wet wipe, and fit another nappy. Sometimes if nappies were in short supply and it was done this way, the nappy would still be clean enough to go back on.
Don't bother with baby rucksacks etc. They take ages to put the horror into and put on. Just stick the sprog on your shoulders and hold onto each leg.
Get your wife used to the idea that you will take over with the baby in the evening, but to give you 1/2hr to recover from work and the journey home.
Get your wife to get involved with the local NCT group and other mothers. Getting the babies together keeps them occupied, and gives the mother time away from solitary confinement.
Its a lot less stressful taking the child to a park/playground/out for a walk than staying in and watching them destroy the house.
Regard baby illnesses as a checklist to work the baby's way through. Don't fret about each one, they happen to all of us, and the sooner they are out the way the better....'

Helmet on and ready for incoming...

1st Oct 2011, 21:18
11Fan, what was #3.

On second thought, ferget it. Something poopy, I suspect.

1st Oct 2011, 21:23
Helmet on and ready for incoming...

Why? I do believe you've hit the proverbial head of the proverbial nail on its proverbial head. :ok:

1st Oct 2011, 21:31
It's nature's way - for parents to act like idiots - at least with the first one. Ironically, this results in reversed Darwinism:

With first baby, the dropped feeding spoon is replaced.
With second one, it's rinsed off.
With the third....shoved back into the mouth.

The third kid is the healthiest one of all - more immunity.

1st Oct 2011, 21:37
Helmet on and ready for incoming... As con-pilot says: Why?
Learning from experience has always been a good idea....
Listen to this man.


1st Oct 2011, 21:38
Don't let a child see a dessert before finishing its main course, otherwise it will lose interest in the main course straight away.

I've never grown out of that one.

1st Oct 2011, 21:45
Don't waste money on little jars of baby food.Do buy baby food. I deliver it by the artic load and it's my single most lucrative job every week.

Practice cutting your fingers off, in case you get asked by the midwife to cut the umbilical cord, it has about the same level of resistance. This must be the most grotesque thing I have ever done.In my case I declined. No regrets and still love my child nonetheless.

1st Oct 2011, 21:48
I am frequently asked if the Nanny dropped me on my head as a baby. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford one so my Mother had to do it.

1st Oct 2011, 22:32
When it's your own child, anything goes. Any bodily fluid is acceptable, unless it's too much blood, at which point don't get between me and the nearest hospital ER.

As to old friends bringing their most darling who loves to fling pureed carrots, green beans, tomatoes, pumpkin, or any colorful vegetable in artful streaks across the walls like Jackson Pollock, give us a heads up to buy an egg-shaped chair, to contain the artwork, or book a hotel when you visit.

1st Oct 2011, 22:41
use a wet wipe to chuck the poo down the toiletPresumably the wet wipe follows down the toilet, as does your spare cash when you eventually have to call a plumber to clear the drain of poo crusted wet wipes.

Don't put wipes down the toilet. It's very antisocial. Even if they clear your drain, they clog up the sewers & cost the water company fortunes to clear.

1st Oct 2011, 23:06
It's like being a soldier in combat, at first you're horrified. Then you get used to it. So you hear a bang and see blood or vomit or other material and you think, 'Damm it, I haven't finished my burger yet.' But you get on with it.

The female veteran's reaction is 'Oh bless' or whatever the local equivalent. Most of them have been there, done that.

It's remarkable how rapidly you harden to every possible event short of death. Blood is nothing, kids bleed all the time and puke and etc etc.

Throwing food is practically amusing.

2nd Oct 2011, 01:08
In the words of my wife, a former pre-school teacher, "No blood, no sympathy."

2nd Oct 2011, 01:55
We called ours "it" until they were human, ie could talk.

Better that than the favourite "they" of the New Grammarians. This is the only form of singular personal pronoun now known to the Canadian Parliamentary Draftsperson.

A popular distaff comment of approval I remember from proletarian Scotland was "Aw! ra wee". Linguistic scholars old enough to recall Bud Neill and the 'fifties will find it quoted in "Lobby Dosser".

P.S. If the budget will run to them, two valuable assets are (a) car and (b) indoor stairs, both as soporifics.

If, as will, you may be sure, be the case, child (= "They") cannot*/will not* [*Delete as appropriate; one or the other is certain] sleep but endlesssly settles into the full-lunged bellowing, cure is (a) a buzz round the neighbourhood in the family Chev, or in the alternative, (b) extended succession of Papa carrying child (= "Them", or rather "Him" or "Her") while climbing up, descending, climbing up, descending, climbing up, descending, climbing up, descending, climbing up, descending, (ad nauseam), said stairs in desirable row house, which by guarantee gets the kiddiewinkle stone cold dormant in but a few instants. "They" (= "He" or "She") cannot resist.

Papa also as an incidental by-product builds up kilt-worthy calves (on the stairs; but not so much in the Chev or, as wealth accumulates, you hope, the Beemer or Infiniti.

2nd Oct 2011, 02:48

Who....... meeeeeee????


Krystal n chips
2nd Oct 2011, 03:50
" New child now progressed to two years old.
Empties breakfast drink over his head.
Throws food on floor. "Oh, Bless !"
Says a rude word. "Oh Bless "

Ah, the formative years of those who :

Aspire to senior management

Travel Business Class

Become rugby supporters.

Choose being a "celeb" as a career option.

And not forgetting.....footballers

Only the methodology of the tantrums varies in later life...the mental development age remains static............:E

Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Oct 2011, 07:32
When tasked with staying in with a mate's daughter (my goddaughter) while his wife went out with friends for the afternoon, the easiest recourse was to hose her off in the garden if she made a mess. One was trapped in such a position with mate holding the beers and self holding the kid upside down by one leg while hosing her down with a garden hose in the other hand when his Little Sweetums drove up. The Thin Lipped Viper immediately put in an appearance and it was broken TV for the rest of the evening - picture but no sound with a complete absence of lips.

Didn't do the kid any harm and she's grown into a really nice person. The mother remains a nightmare.

2nd Oct 2011, 08:59
One was not criticising the new baby, nor the baby's mother, but the assinine and repetitive comments made by other female members of the family when the baby did anything (or sometimes, even when not) !

I have since heard from friends that the maddening A & RC made by their lady visitors earlier this year have caused them to feign a business trip to Outer, Inner and Middle Mongolia this autumn so they won't have to put up with the visitors......"Oh Bless !" every ten minutes put them into a nervous state of anticipation which they couldn't bear after two weeks.

2nd Oct 2011, 09:45
use a wet wipe to chuck the poo down the toilet
Presumably the wet wipe follows down the toilet, Don't be silly Parapunter, it went in the bin next to the loo of course. Otherwise I would have had to use a new wet wipe each time...:E Impecunious times when raising children, you know.

In the words of my wife, a former pre-school teacher, "No blood, no sympathy." Or, in the words of my aerodynamics lecturer, 'If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between 'sh*t' and 'syphilis'...'

2nd Oct 2011, 09:51
(She) He looks just like his father...

(Me) No, he doesn't! He looks like a boiled prune!


2nd Oct 2011, 11:25
Just visited nephew yesterday; brand new house; plain, light coloured walls and carpets; inordinately houseproud.
First baby due about Christmas Har, har. Little do they know. As I sit here, in a house that was newly painted just over a year ago. The door has pencil marks and chipped paint, the fireplace has a mixture of marker and pencil all over it, out in the hall the wall is covered in red marker. Which they also used to cover their faces, arms and clothes. On the floor they've scattered various toys and are even now squabbling over Thomas the tank engine and several balloons.

That's only what I can sitting here, a tour of the house would reveal more destruction. It's all ahead of them.

Um... lifting...
2nd Oct 2011, 12:09
At airshow where mate was involved with some of the behind-the-scenes bit in the air ops building. Mate's wife trundles off somewhere, leaving Junior with self and mate, Junior being around a year in age at this point, looking out the window at hairyplanes and fire trucks and other such fine things and having a grand old time.

Mate has to run off to the loo, leaving Junior with me. We continue looking at all the shiny machinery out the window, then, as I do, I invert young Junior, so he can see the hairyplanes upside-down, as it were, which he finds hilarious. Wife comes back at this point, has a conniption of course. Up to this point, Junior was giggling his young head off, and now is upset because he cues off Mum.

Many women seem to believe they are the first and only persons ever to handle an infant. I like it best when they tell their own mothers to be careful.:ugh:The look from GrandMum usually can blister paint.

2nd Oct 2011, 17:15
That's only what I can sitting here, a tour of the house would reveal more destruction. It's all ahead of them.

My neighbour's kid is more the "outdoorsy" type. After dad had painstaknigly run plastic tubing along the fence of their acreage to water the shrubbery and livestock, junior decides to get busy with the axe while dad was at work.

When dad comes home and turns on the faucet - smug in the knowledge that his pipe-laying effort would now save him a lot of work and time - the fenceline erupts into something that would rival the dancing waters show at the Bellagio.
Fountain Bellagio - Viva Las Vegas (Elvis Presley) - YouTube

2nd Oct 2011, 22:33

Are you pregnant?


Mach Turtle
2nd Oct 2011, 23:03
The third kid is the healthiest one of all - more immunity.

I don't agree with the hygiene hypothesis.

My feeling is that children will be exposed to quite enough pathogens to activate their immune systems even if parents make an effort to keep children and their surroundings clean. Some of the behaviour I have seen justified by this hypothesis is appallingly disgusting (sharing spoons, to cite a common example).

I suspect the hygiene hypothesis is like the idea that day care is good for kids because it "socializes" them. I mean, maybe so, but more is not necessarily better than a little bit.

Both concepts have gained popularity because they reduce the pressure on parents.

unstable load
3rd Oct 2011, 17:32
Worthwhile "rule of thumb" from our Peadiatrician was to feel the tummy for an indication of temperature/fever. Really hot tummy is bad news. :=
Earned me a few minutes under a cold shower twice with our daughter, too.:ok:

4th Oct 2011, 21:41
That's a good piece of advice actually, when baby son 2 was ill and the ambulance came out he was so hot we (me and the paramedic) couldn't hold him.

Top piece of advice here - ALWAYS trust your instincts.

Bob Lenahan
4th Oct 2011, 22:49
When unsure of what to do, or how to do anything concerning your baby or child, always ask someone who has no kids. People who do not have kids seem to be experts on how to raise them

4th Oct 2011, 23:45
My son (who is married with two children) has a friend that he shared accommodation with at university and afterwards in London for a couple of years until he married.
Friend is now also married, and his wife constantly decries those who have chosen to have children and openly criticises anything involving children.

I don't think it is because she is unable to have children as she has always declared her opposition to children, but it does get annoying when she goes on and on about it whenever she is in the company of those who do have children or are contemplating them.

5th Oct 2011, 07:16
Organic vegetables are a scam. They do not contain any more vitamins than the much cheaper non organic varieties.

"Organic food is no healthier than ordinary food, a large independent review has concluded.
There is little difference in nutritional value and no evidence of any extra health benefits from eating organic produce, UK researchers found.
The Food Standards Agency, which commissioned the report, said the findings would help people make an "informed choice"."

5th Oct 2011, 10:24

My understanding is this:

'Organic' means grown in sh*t. If not grown in sh*t, they're grown with chemicals - in many cases, the same ones that are in the sh*t to start with.

5th Oct 2011, 12:57
Rather O/T, of course.....

I thought the definition of 'organic' was simply <grown without the use of 'industrial fertiliser' or chemical pesticides and fungicides>.

Oh, and , radeng, it doesn't necessarily mean using sh*t, either.
Compost from purely vegetable matter will do the job nicely.
(I admit we do use some sheep-sh*t on our vegetable patch -mostly tomatoes- for better results, but then we have a sheep-farmer nearby who sells the stuff by the 50lb bag.)


5th Oct 2011, 14:59

it's quite simple. Adults who're not currently parents of babies find all these baby activities sweet and funny, and get totally warm-and-fuzzy-feeling by the presence of the sprog, an effect that can also be produced by imbibing certain chemically active substances. Hence the exclamations of "love it" and the like. For current baby parents however, it's just daily business.

Mach turtle: The hygiene hypothesis holds true, and has been confirmed both in clinical trials and in daily practice, many times over - with the one exception that there is a very small, but not zero, chance of an infection. Even then, that's usually nothing to be afraid of in a civilized country, most children quickly get over them. At the end of the day it's up to the parents what course they want to take.

aviate: It's true organic food contains no more vitamins than non-organic one. No-one should expect it to. The interesting thing is it tends to contain less and fewer toxins. BTW, in many (but certainly not all) cases organic food tastes better; I think that's because it takes longer to grow.

Basil, corsair, V2: Just don't ever let them start with it. We always provide stuff for them to destroy or to paint on, and tell them off as soon as they get started on the floor or furniture. So far that works quite well, and the youngest one will soon be in primary school. Never had anything damaged (except by accident) that couldn't be easily cleaned or repaired.

5th Oct 2011, 15:30
For current baby parents however, it's just daily business.Nope, I got all warm & fuzzy every time she did something endearing. Still do & she's four now. What kind of parent wouldn't?

5th Oct 2011, 16:16
That's a fine line - the one that validates their emotional being. But cross over that line, and you end up with a self-indulgent little monster with a colossal sense of entitlement.

The latter seems to be pervasive these days.

5th Oct 2011, 19:05
Four is good.

Twenty-eight can be very heart-warming too.

5th Oct 2011, 19:52
OK about the heartwarming bit. What I meant is,we don't normally loose our heads if our little ones burp - they do it all the time. I agree they have a kind of permanent effect on various hormones though - make you feel kinda glad to be around. It's probably what's called happiness. And yes, sometimes they do something funny and you just stand there and it's all over you :ooh: