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ExRAFRadar
21st Aug 2011, 22:23
Just read this one and have been p*ssing myself laughing so much the daughter stuck her head in the study to see what was going on

http://www.pprune.org/flying-instructors-examiners/356268-scatering-cremated-ashes.html

Post #9 by Mad Jock - :D

Any more classics stuck out there in Pprune land ?

dead_pan
21st Aug 2011, 22:32
The one about the Large Hadron Collider a few years back was pure comedy gold - PPRuNe at its very best.

Lon More
21st Aug 2011, 22:51
some of the stuff in agony aunt was hilarious
Slasher's adventures with his VietCong cat, Porky

Pitts2112
21st Aug 2011, 23:10
This one from the Military Forum, where a poster was asking about etiquette in a social situation has to be one of the best piss-takes I've ever read.

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/433188-mrs-bloggs-home-etiquette-protocols.html

Radar66
21st Aug 2011, 23:42
Tony Draper's first ever post (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11838-help-pilot-broken.html) has gone down in Pprune history... :}

con-pilot
21st Aug 2011, 23:50
Tony Draper's first ever post has gone down in PPRuNe history...

Ah yes, that was one of the all time greats, maybe the best of all times. :ok:

pigboat
22nd Aug 2011, 00:25
Gawd didja see some of the names in that thread? Velvet, the Guv, nosefirst, Code Blue...

jet_noseover
22nd Aug 2011, 00:28
Yeah, Piggy...nostalgia? Velvet!!!

Radar66
22nd Aug 2011, 00:31
Thought THIS (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/276092-bad-evil-parent.html) was a good'un. The thread was created in the backlash of all the nimby pimbies in the Madeline McCann abduction thread... :\

Slasher
22nd Aug 2011, 03:03
Captain IF Snailtrails was always my inspiration and role
model. I still got some of his classics which were rescued
from the Great Fire of 02.

Who could forget this one? -

Diary Of A Sex Rat.

"RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG"......................'smash'......'clunk'.
*Moan*....Wake up.
Scratch balls.
Look outside to see what country it is. Good. Its home.
Stagger out and make coffee. Eat yesterday lunchtime's tuna sandwich lying on the table.
Slurp coffee and fire up PC....PPRUNE time!
Filth/garbage/sex...*post*...*post*...*post*.
Receive/send obscene Email.
Shit - shower - shave - shampoo.
W_ank.
Another shower to clean up after w_anking.
Grecian, Rogaine, deodorant, aftershave.
Don uniform. Put on airline trousers found under the bed.
Check navbag - condoms/passport/licence.
Get into car. Go to work. Perve on Ally McBeal's pickie taped to the dash.

Get to Ops. Meet the Ops bloke.
"Good morning Captain. Your Flight Plan and weather are here."
"Where the f_uck am I going, Champ?"
"London Heathrow."
"Shit."
"There is Tempo on Heathrow but Prestwick is ok. Your Zero Fuel is...."
"Where's the Crew List?"
"Oh....just here."
"Thanks. Hmmmm......Lisa - yummy!......Deidre - who's she?......Monica - phwo!......Freda - yuk!......"
"G'day mate! F_ucked anything human lately?"
"Oh Christ! I gotta share the cockpit with YOU, y' deviant little shit? An' me just starting Bible studies."
"How's the List?"
"Not bad....12 chicks, 3 ugly. May have a chance. Rest are blokes."
"I'm tongueing for Lisa!"
"C_unt. Why couldn't you been born a poof!"
"You seen the Fuel Plan?"
"Oh yeah.....that. Does 130 tonnes look ok to you?"
"Yep. What sort of level you want Skipper?"
"Cockpit or altitude?"
"Cockpit."
"Anything sleazy. Lets go."

"Lisa my little darling!"
"Hi Snails!.......Purser to Crew....Snailie's here to harass the hell out of us for the next few hours!"
"Yo Cap!.......hi!"
"Any new jokes Snails?...."
"Hello Sir."
"Lisa......who's this drongo calling me Sir?
"Sorry darling.....he's new."
"Hello Captain. I am Deidre. I heard you can lick your eyebrows."
"Yep.....look!"
"Wow!"
"Captain, I've assigned Freda for cockpit service."
"Lisaaaaaa!......*moan*"
"Ok, who do you want then?"

"Diddles."
"Deidre it is."
"Owe you one Lis!"
"Careful...her boyfriend's a cop!"
"I'll make sure I ask her permission before she's raped."
"How's the weather?"
"Its nice outside."
"Flight time?"
"Tell you when we get there."
"Smartarse!"

Pushback...start...taxi..taxi..taxi...scratch balls...take off...climb...LNAV/VNAV...cruise. Coffee...read paper...read F/O's dirty mag...sneak a fart...take a piss...coffee...

"Captain, a passenger wants to visit the flight deck."
"Stats Lisa?
"Female. Nice legs and bum, but definitely in the brown-paperbag-over-the-head category."
"Any saving graces? Tits?"
"To your rigorous standard honey. She's in a low cut too."
"Yeah ok, let her in. She might bend forward......."
"How's Deidre?"
"I've finally discovered the meaning of love and met someone who I could share the rest of my life with in total marital bliss."
"She gets you that horny huh?"
"Yep! Like an angel pissin' on me tongue."

Cruise..cruise..cruise...descend..descend..descend...XXTSRA. .."Shit!...f_uckin' pommy c_unt weather!"... dodge..dodge..avoid...
"Not like you to swear about weather?"
"Its cuttin' in on my Deidre chat-up time, Shaggie. Wanted to put the hard word on her by the O.M."
"Still got the bus ride to the pub."
"She's meeting a BA hostie mate on arrival."
"Sound's like you're f_ucked tonight then."
"What's you with Lisa?"
"Out for drinks downstairs."
"Gonna try and 'get in there'?"
"Like a rat up a drainpipe!"
"Flap One."
"Selected."
"I wish it was Deidre's flaps."
"Lisa should be 30-30 Green Light with me tonight pal."
"C_unt!"

Get to pub room. Have a beer. Ring Purser - not answering...must be out with F/O (crunt!). Think about going to Soho... naaah. Take shower. Watch TV. Go to sleep. Dream of bonking Deidre. Get up. W_ank. Think of Deidre again...on her knees...another w_ank, and another. Have another 3 or 4 beers....Good - a bit o' brewer's droop. Go back to bed emptied and not at all horny anymore. Close eyes........

RRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!
"Yeah, who is it?"
"Captain its me - Deidre. The BA mate story was to deflect attention. I'll be there in 3 minutes.".........clunk!

Loose rivets
22nd Aug 2011, 09:50
I enjoyed the Constructing a story one. Can't remember it's real name. I seemed to remember describing some rectal tentacles, and more than a little snot, but someone's dark images of a time-traveling DC3 became truly surrealistic.

Rollingthunder
22nd Aug 2011, 09:52
That will put me right off breakfast.

Worrals in the wilds
22nd Aug 2011, 09:57
"G'day mate! F_ucked anything human lately?"
I'll have to work that one into the repertoire. :cool:

MagnusP
22nd Aug 2011, 09:58
I always enjoyed the "It's a Dog's Life" threads. Pity it all ended so messily.

goudie
22nd Aug 2011, 10:38
Please don't mention the 'Conveyor Belt':eek:

OFSO
22nd Aug 2011, 11:14
The Conveyor Belt !

SpringHeeledJack
22nd Aug 2011, 12:41
What about that thread concerning a pilot injured due to his flying duties in/on a skyvan/cargo jobby ? that went on and on and on (circa 2005) and loads of well meaning ppruners were offering help. Opposed were others who thought it wasa scam. One never did find out what happened to him :confused:. Peter was his name if one's grey matter hasn't faded.

ross_M
22nd Aug 2011, 13:58
Nice idea to list these threads! :ok:

Hours of amusement.......

Slasher
22nd Aug 2011, 14:07
Similar thread a few years ago -

jet-blast/150604-what-your-favourite-thread-ever-thread.html (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/150604-what-your-favourite-thread-ever-thread.html)

Radar66
22nd Aug 2011, 14:45
IMHO one of the best posts of all times - from the revered Sprucegoose. Thanks to Slasher for obliquely bringing it back to my attention! :ok:

Ahh yesssss, should one be so lucky to receive a dollar for every fart offerd to the Gods of olfactory degeneration I for one would be a freakin' gazillionaire! Was it not Fat Bastard that concluded that indeed one never minds ones own flavour? Truely I must confess nothing outside of sex drives my senses to such heights as the warm moist putrid stench of my "own flavour", the impact often causing birth labour like contractions of my sinus cavity and and occasionally a wee tear is shed in the name of gutteral delight. Yet I too have donated over zealously if only in the hope that others may share in this fine tradition of gut wrenching rectal emission while I maintain my savoir fair aura of captainly dignity. Was a little bit ago now and I had the task of conducting line check on two unsuspecting victims on the 146. The sector was Alice Springs to Cairns and I was comfortable in a fashion strapped to the jump seat and enjoying the view. I had not a skerrick of intention to be an evil doer on this occasion. In fact I had often made clinical assessment of a sort that indeed the airflow in the flight deck must surely be drawn down below the floor area and used to cool electrical bits and pieces beneath exactly as the book said for I would often indulge in some good old fashioned farting while on the bridge and never a woft to be had. I figured it must just go down below and give the dogs and cats a bit of grief before being expunged from existence via the outflow valve and left forever more to gouge more chunks from our already depleted ozone layer. I digress as usual but does one recall the days when seat cushions on airplanes were used as flotation devices? Did it ever occur to you that in a ditching your very existence may come to rely entirely on a wad of foam that will no doubt have had perhaps millions of beer farts fired into it at point blank range??? I shudder to think what I would find if I was to peel back the upholstry ( 'scuse me I just farted) on any seat cushion in a jetliner. A soft and cream coloured sponge around the edges which delicately accentuated a rich dark rum coloured central section sticky with the residue ass gas and layer upon layer of skid marks and fart tar not unlike that seen in the butts of cigarettes after a good smoking. And to think that as one lollied about in the Pacific awaiting rescue that some of this tar like residue may begin to reconstitute itself when in contact with water such that as your travel weary head lay peacefully upon said cushion your head area should suddenly become engulfed in the reincarneted (for surely a fart is worthy of nothing else than come back in the next life as another fart) fetid plotergeists of a billion dormant farts all at once!!! I see myself slipping off into the cold depths much as Leonardo did in The Titanic. I fell being ripped apart in the crash would be a far more humane way to go.

Oh yes, the line check... So there I was, fat dumb and happy. The two pilots were damned fine airmen and I had little to do but sit and enjoy the view. Needless to say I knew dinner was in the oven (in more ways than one) and never liked to miss a free feed such as we pilots are want to do. After all in aviation "free" is good. Yet I needed room, my britches were biting into my waist and the constriction of my belt along with the rather upright posture enforced upon me by the jumpseat was causing an unusually significant tempest to boil within my bowel. If I was to eat I would have to make some room and the release of this monster fart, so big only God would not have been suprised by its proportions, was my only hope for creating the needed space. Applying my knowledge from earlier analysis over years of experience I figured I was safe to let the lion roar so to speak. Iwas after all substantially behind these two damned fine airmen and the aiflow would surely whisk away my little indiscretion to haunt the bags and cats below. Well the compression factor of a fart held at bay when exposed to the expansionary forces of altitude had me fooled. I started to wind this thing out ever so slowly and soon realised that it had a life of its own! I tried to stop it but there was no return. I had passed my fart PNR and options were no longer a luxury I could indulge. It was long and hot and wet. I felt my uniform pants begin to grapple with my cheeks in an attempt to shear itself from the violence it was now exposed to. I think there was a kind of rectal eddy happening here. Air was escaping from me at will yet my pants were sort of creeping up against the flow. I have never felt such horror and orgasmic pleasure all at once in my life. I looked down and caught myself unawares gripping the sides of the seat with both hands, my arms awash in goose bumps and a glistening bead of dribble beginning to form in the corner of my mouth. Then it was over and I felt myself begin to flush and I had this rosy glow in my cheeks. A significant portion of my uniform had been devoured within and I could now feel a cool breeze on my ankles. Later I would fail to find any trace of my jocks when I stepped forth from what was retrievable of my pants.

OK I thouht, that wasn't to bad. I sat perfectly still. My body was frozen as I cme down from the high. That wasn't to bad I kept telling myself. I couldn't smell a thing and except for a wad of pant that was now resident in my anus all seemed well. The fart....no make that the Mother of All Farts had passed seemingly without incident, surely drawn away by the airflow system cleverly engineered by the boys at BAe. A triumph for my field research! And then just as a cacophany of birds and monkeys and bugs goes totally silent in the dense jungle when a significantly startling event occurs so did the conversation between these two damned fine airmen come to an immediate and complete stop. The Captain was mid sentence about his wife and kids but now sat there looking dazed out his DV window. Surely they could not have heard that? It was for all it ferocity a truely silent affaire. And I could smell nothing at all and surely I would be the first to succumb as I was closest to the scene of the crime! No? Yes? No. Leaning ever so slightly forward of my rigid position I was hit, no make that pummelled into a jibbering tremoring mess in my own seat. I thought I might lose further control of an already derelict bowel. The smell, my very own flavour, was like nothing experienced or imagined in my entire life! and there it was an inch in front of me, my head cocooned in a mystical void the dimension of which was barely wider than my head ( ahem....no comments or input thanks) (sorry,I just farted again). I looked again at the skipper who was for all intents and purposes frozen in space. The only sign of consciousness was that he was moving his head ever so slightly, almost imperceptable except to the keen eye of a checkie, his nose seeming to be hunting for just a molecule of something fresh. Perhaps even something dead and rotten but not quite so as the organic cloud of death that permeated his senses. His eyes were fixed and his mouth hung open (surely this was not helping) and I was driven to lean forward and crankit shut but I thought surely that to act as such now would be tantamount to admitting guilt and there was no reason for anyone here to suspect it was infact me that did this unspeakable,no make that incredible thing. I felt for the poor bloke. I glanced to the FO who also had ceased to look interesred in the captains ramblings and also was fixed in posture looking blankly out his DV window. The only indication that he was still alive was that he had gone for the laminated checklist in the pocket beside his seat and had begun to fan the air in the space beside his leg and the side wall of the cockpit. Silly boy I thought, that is precisely opposite to the direction my field research has indicated the air wants to flow! He was making it worse I was sure. I heard the flight deck door open and then slam close again. I presumed dinner was cancelled. I wondered who was blaming who in the minds of these two damned fine airmen. The struggle for conversation over the next hour or so was immense. The FO could only respond to radio calls and position reports in monosyllabic jibberish and the captain was seen to cry silently as his poor tormented soul sought respite from his journey to death and back. I found for my part that indeed I had a conscience for at the end of the day I could no more critisize any part of their performance than I could praise them for not declaring an emergency ( you see I was worried the gas residue, the tar, would leave a big DNA trail leadig right back to me) and found these two damned fine airmen to also be two damned fine sports. I still don't know thought who went home blaming who.

The moral? Don't fart from the jumpseat.

Whirlygig
22nd Aug 2011, 14:53
Page 3 onwards when the Lift Pixies are introduced ... aerodynamics explained properly!

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/275575-why-do-we-lose-airspeed-turn-what-causes-3.html

Cheers

Whirls

CathayBrat
22nd Aug 2011, 15:08
Radar66,
Thank you, i have not laughed like that for a while. But now i have been sent out of the room, it seems it is not the thing to do in the office, should have waited until home time. Oh well.

I have looked, but i cant find the thread about a helicopter, that was being designed by inputs from people on here. The result was interesting, to say the least, and the banter was brilliant. Any help please?

mixture
22nd Aug 2011, 15:32
CathayBrat, is this (http://www.pprune.org/rotorheads/101933-new-affordable-safe-helicopter.html) what you're looking for ?

Alternativley this (http://www.pprune.org/rotorheads/152384-lets-make-helicopter.html) and/or this (http://www.pprune.org/rotorheads/171609-lets-make-helicopter-blade.html)

mixture
22nd Aug 2011, 15:49
ExRAFRadar,

One example I can recall is a classic PPRuNe wind-up entitled Simulation has a better price/value ratio than real flying? (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/446042-simulation-has-better-price-value-ratio-than-real-flying.html)

Well, I assume it was a wind-up, he did seem awfully serious about his position on matters. :cool:

CathayBrat
22nd Aug 2011, 15:51
Mixture, thanks, but not the one's, this had pictures (photoshop?), it got bigger and sillier as it went on, it was mainly yellow, until the plod and mil versions came along with big blue lights and black nasty stripes over the windows (eye's) ala 'them'. Was allowed back into the office, then the lift pixies got me sent out again. :{

mixture
22nd Aug 2011, 16:16
CathayBrat,

No worries, I don't spend much time in the eggbeater forum, so hopefully a regular from over there will have a better memory of discussions in that forum !

Heliport
22nd Aug 2011, 17:20
CathayBrat

This one?

http://www.pprune.org/rotorheads/209292-new-robinson-r88.html

CathayBrat
23rd Aug 2011, 09:15
Heliport, yes, thats the one thanks. :D

Foxy Loxy
23rd Aug 2011, 09:39
This one has endured in my memory: I guess arse hair does have a purpose. [Archive] - PPRuNe Forums (http://www.pprune.org/archive/index.php/t-132623.html)

Slasher
23rd Aug 2011, 12:10
I miss those old pre Hotel Lobby Group days.....

WOMEN SEEKING MEN/MEN SEEKING WOMEN. [Archive] - PPRuNe Forums (http://www.pprune.org/archive/index.php/t-12877.html)

Political Correctness [Archive] - PPRuNe Forums (http://www.pprune.org/archive/index.php/t-11363.html)

ORAC
23rd Aug 2011, 13:36
Well I enjoyed it.... (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/66182-challenge-orac.html) :E

Radar66
23rd Aug 2011, 16:47
This Word to the Wise Gentlemen (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/351245-word-wise-gentlemen.html) thread was a good'un... :D

Slasher
24th Aug 2011, 05:18
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/13232-famous-sexual-quotes.html

OCB was a true bloody windup artist! -
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11008-reconciled-god.html
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11602-still-cross-bound.html

http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11122-barbies-youll-never-see-stores.html

I particularly enjoyed this one -
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11146-if-gpws-voiced.html

Just before 911 -
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/12088-uk-death-penalty.html

911 - http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/12254-god-help-us-all.html

criticalmass
24th Aug 2011, 06:04
Any thread with a Thronomister reference was always good for a laugh - and frequently more than just one littel laugh. Amazing how that device could generate so much discussion. I really should add one to my collection.

mlindb
24th Aug 2011, 09:03
Can anyone PM me Captain IF Snailtrails´ stories, please? Thank you in advance.

DX Wombat
24th Aug 2011, 16:26
Anyone remember this? (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/48135-too-much-noise.html)

con-pilot
24th Aug 2011, 19:14
Anyone remember this?

Oh God yes.


CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE AIRPORT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

That was a great thread. :ok:

Radar66
24th Aug 2011, 20:53
Thought this was a cracking thread - very inspirational. :ok:

B*gger. I've got cancer. (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/291990-b-gger-ive-got-cancer.html)

Heliport
24th Aug 2011, 21:26
ORAC
Well I enjoyed itYour long-standing reputation as PPRuNe's Champion Googlemeister remains intact. ;)


H.

tony draper
24th Aug 2011, 22:52
The nowt about capital punishment Hangman threads were good,one was a absolute demon at Hangman,in fact should someone resurrect same one would do the honorable thing and refuse to participate because it simply would not be fair on the rest of you chaps were I to do so.
:rolleyes:

Slasher
25th Aug 2011, 01:59
Anyone remember this?

Um........yep! :ok:

MagnusP
25th Aug 2011, 09:57
Yer a set of rotten buggas. Not only am I wasting too much time on JB anyway, I'm now wasting even more reading the historical threads from before I joined.

Keep 'em coming. :ok:

DX Wombat
25th Aug 2011, 15:11
Whatever happened to the Cafe Scrolls from Noteatingham?

PPRuNe Towers
25th Aug 2011, 15:35
http://www.pprune.org/middle-east/335400-caravan-me-forum-classic-1st-scroll-cafe.html

Always on view for the faithful.

Rob

DX Wombat
25th Aug 2011, 16:26
Thanks Rob. :D :ok:

V2-OMG!
25th Aug 2011, 18:55
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/367308-has-chef-ramsay-turned-you-into-restaurant-rambo.html

Slasher
26th Aug 2011, 14:03
I particularly enjoyed this - Slightly wrong film titles (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/433199-slightly-wrong-film-titles.html)

DX Wombat
28th Aug 2011, 22:28
Rob, I have only just had a chance to re-read the Scrolls and they are better than I remember. I laughed so much the dogs kept coming over to see if I was OK but eventually settled for the canine equivalent of tutting. Priceless, simply priceless. Thanks for unearthing them. :D :D :D :D :D

givemewings
29th Aug 2011, 14:48
Back when I was first introduced to Pprune, I read this thread and still remember it whenever anyone brings up nicking from hotels...

I think the tree is one of the best :ok:

Best thing you've taken (or seen taken) from a hotel [Archive] - PPRuNe Forums (http://www.pprune.org/archive/index.php/t-76546.html)

Solid Rust Twotter
29th Aug 2011, 15:36
From the home of classic threads...

tender tezzies (http://www.arrse.co.uk/naafi-bar/168499-tender-tezzies.html)

Rule3
29th Aug 2011, 18:26
What was the thread featuring "Alloa Akbar" and his adventures with the little blue pills.