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OFSO
3rd Sep 2010, 13:20
So here we are: the season has ended, they have all gone home, and it's my turn to present this year's awards for offensive tourists.....

1) We can scream and shout all night, roar obscenities which nobody will understand because of our language, and bang with our fists on letter boxes, front doors and parked cars until 5 a.m.

THE DUTCH. Why young men from such a quiet civilized country behave like such hooligans when in Spain, I'll never know. On the other hand, look at the World Cup final....

2) What goes from the colour of a dead fish to a dead lobster in 24 hours ?

THE ENGLISH. Do they really think all that stuff they smear on will protect them when at the end of the first day they glow in the dark like a seamen from the Red Fleet's submarine division ? A dematological-oncologists dream in 20 year's time. And don't forget to have a good moan about how painful your sunburn is when waiting for food in a restaurant....

3) Bet you can't guess what I'm going to do next ?

THE FRENCH. When a turn signal - say the left one - goes on, on a French registered car, you have no idea what he's going to do next. He may go right, stop, straight up, sink into the ground, or even turn left. But you don't know, because neither does he or (heaven forbid) she. Why do Renault, Citröen, Peugeot etc even bother fitting turn indicators to cars meant for the home market ? Leave 'em off and do us all a favour. Let us guess, instead of being deliberately misinformed.

4) Aber Wir Haben Vorfahrt !

Yes, dear Germans, yes you do have the right of way. Driving, at a restaurant, collecting dry-cleaning, at the supermarket, buying bread, yes, of course as Europe's Number One Fiscally Unchallenged Nation, yes you do have right of way over all us peasants from inferior and totally inadequate nations, even though we actually shower in the morning before heading to the supermarket to stock up on beach towels to reserve the best spots.

5) We can wear white roll-neck pullovers, leather jackets, and Armani jeans - oh, and Rayburn sunglases - even when it's 40º in the shade.....

No, I'm not going to mention this nationality. Trained in Chechnia, they might come and do things to me. No, not might, will. Zdravstvujtye, comrades ! Just a joke, honest.

SEE YOU ALL AGAIN ON 23RD JULY 2011 ! DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR MONEY !

Parapunter
3rd Sep 2010, 14:40
Very good!:D

One word: Alkeehole!

Storminnorm
3rd Sep 2010, 15:00
RAYBURN sun-glasses?
I thought it was RAYBAN sun-glasses?
Rayburn made fire places, or perhaps I'm just confused?

Whirlygig
3rd Sep 2010, 15:40
Perhaps it's what the old dears wear on their S-Aga holidays?

Cheers

Whirls

Storminnorm
3rd Sep 2010, 15:43
I must confess that one does feel the cold more.
So Rayburns it is then.

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 15:46
OK.

In an attempt to insult everyone equally:

Foreigners around the world.

ENGLISH
Racial Characteristics:
Cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible teeth who once conquered half the world but still haven't figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their baths and boil all their food, including bread. An intensely snobbish group, but who exactly they're snubbing is an international mystery. Lately they've been getting their comeuppance world power-wise, as their shabby, antiquated, and bankrupt little back alley of a country slowly winds down like the ill-crafted clockwork playthings of which their undersized children are so fond. In fact, last year their entire government had to kiss the ass of the fat aboriginal nig-nog who runs Uganda to retrieve a single flit hack writer from the clutches of that august nation. They all have large collections of something useless like lamp finials or toad eggs, and they would have lost both world wars if it were not for us. They like to be spanked with canes and that's just what they deserve.

Good Points:
It's relatively easy to make yourself understood with them.

Proper Forms of Address:
Limey, lime-eater, pom, poof, sister-boy.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the English Character:
In his unpublished memoirs, Benjamin Disraeli tells the story of a political conference with then-Prime Minister William Gladstone, who habitually conducted such private discussions while being fellated by an able-bodied seaman of the Royal Navy. At one point during their talk, the sailor suddenly looked up from Gladstone's penis and said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you've come."
"By Jove, so I have," said Gladstone, and he gave the tar a sovereign.


FRENCH
Racial Characteristics:
Sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. They take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash nothing but their *****, fight with their feet, and perform sex acts with their faces. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

Good Points:
Invented the blowjob.

Proper Forms of Address:
Froggy, froggy-wog, frog-eater, French-lips, Franco ****-face, clit-lick.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the French Character:
A Frenchman goes home with his best friend and they find the friend's wife laying naked on the dining room table with her legs spread apart. The Frenchman takes a close look at her **** and says, "Zees looks like zee menstrual blood!" Then he bends down, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Zees smells like zee menstrual blood!" Finally he gets down on his knees, eats her out for about twenty minutes, and says, "Zees tastes like zee menstrual blood! Without a doubt, it eez zee menstrual blood! Mon dieu, I am glad zat we did not **** her!!"


GERMANS
Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades, they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.

Good Points:
Kill a lot of French.

Proper Form of Address:
Kraut, Hun, Heiny, spike-head, sausage-breath.

A German Joke of the War Years Illustrating Something of the German Character:
If your sister married a Jew-that will make you sauerkraut.
If your son married a Jew-that will make you bratwurst.
If your mother married a Jew-that will make you soap.

T'wasn't me, it was the great P J O'Rourke.


Oh, and Canucks:

CANADIANS
Racial Characteristics:
Hard to tell a Canadian from an extremely boring regular white person unless he's dressed to go outdoors. Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. It is thought to resemble a sort of arctic Nebraska. It's reported that Canadians keep pet French people. If true, this is their only interesting trait. At any rate, they are apparently able to train Frenchmen to play hockey, which is more than any European has ever been able to do.

Good Points:
Still have plenty of Indians to abuse.

Proper Forms of Address:
Bud, mac, mister, hey you.

Some Examples of Canadian Repartee:
Two Canadians are talking in a bar. One Canadian says, "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"
"That was my wife." replies the other.

A lady is shopping in a Toronto drugstore and accidentally leaves the bottle of aspirins that she bought on the counter. She gets on a bus and the minute the bus has pulled away from the curb remembers leaving her purchase behind. "My aspirins! My aspirins!" she yells.
And the bus driver says, "Maybe you left them in the drugstore."

A little Canadian boy named Johnny ****erfaster is screwing a little girl under the porch of his house. His mother comes out the door and yells for him, "Johnny! Johnny ****erfaster!"
"I'll be there in a minute," he says.

I can post more if anyone wants. :p

vulcanised
3rd Sep 2010, 16:00
What about the Americans then?

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 16:34
Well, it is P J Rourke late of Harvard, MA. The entry for Yanks is missing...


Will Irish do?


IRISH
Racial Characteristics:
Pie-faced, neckless, bandy-legged sots who almost never ****. Ignorant and superstitious, they are in utter thrall to the vile, conniving priests of their dark and barbarous religion. Their women have their legs on upside down and no man in the country eats anything but potatoes, and only eats them when has out of strong drink. The principal delights of the Irish are in quarreling and fighting and killing each other with bombs. They can be trained to do nothing useful that a dray horse can't accomplish in half the time, and they spew out a continuous stream of mumbles and grunts which they fancy to be "poems." They sell their children for whiskey.

Good Points:
Many Irish are dead.

Proper Forms of Address:
Bogmouth, peat-face, Mr. Potato Head, nun-buns, dumb Mick.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Irish Character:
There once was an Irishman who got so drunk while he was in Rome that he kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel.

Lon More
3rd Sep 2010, 16:49
What about the Americans then?

That bit, and the description of Australians, probably got removed by the mods as it's very rude to make fun of ******* :E

Shack37
3rd Sep 2010, 16:58
RJM
That was probably the most offensively racist post I have ever read.

Unfortunately I couldn't finish reading it for the tears of laughter running down my cheeks.

Juud
3rd Sep 2010, 17:27
"What do you think of Koreans, for instance?"
"Not to be trusted. Cruel people. Much the same as all Orientals."
"That's a third of the world's population dismissed in a phrase. Russians?"
"Sinister."
"Egyptians?"
"Cowardly."
"Oh? I thought you might have saved that for Italians."
"No, no, they're greasy aren't they? Not as greasy as the French mind."
"The Dutch?"
"Boorish."
"Spaniards?"
"Lazy."
"Americans? The French?"
"Frenchmen abroad are miserable; Americans abroad make everybody else miserable."
"Germans?"
"Arrogant."
"Well that's just about everyone. Oh, Danes?"
"Pornographic."
"So it's just down to the British is it?"
"Well, I haven't got much time for the Irish or the Welsh, and the Scots are worse than the Koreans."
"And you never could stand Southerners."
"To tell you the truth I don't like anybody much outside this town. And there's a lot of families in our street I can't stand either. Come to think of it I don't even like the people next door."
"I see, so from the distant blue Pacific through the barren wastes of Manchuria, you can't abide anyone."

;)


..........

tony draper
3rd Sep 2010, 17:37
Nicked from the Likely Lads Mamasan.:rolleyes:
Terry Collier,made him me life model at the time:E

Juud
3rd Sep 2010, 17:45
If you say so Drapes; I wouldn´t know. :)

Received it in an e-mail long ago.
Kept it ´cause I found it a funny and very clever demonstration of how daft xenophobia actually is. :ok:

tony draper
3rd Sep 2010, 17:57
Yup tiz taken from a scene in the likely lads,twas a series made before political correctness held sway.
:)

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 18:34
Us too ... :uhoh:

AUSTRALIANS
Racial Characteristics:
Violently loud alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of fun is to throw up on your car. The national sport is breaking furniture and the average daily consumption of beer in Sydney is ten and three quarters Imperial gallons for children under the age of nine. "Making a Shambles" is required study in the primary schools and all Australians are bilingual, speaking both English and Sheep. Possibly as a result of their country's being upside down, the local dialect has over 400 terms for vomit. These include "technicolor yawn" "talking to the toilet," "round-trip meal ticket," and "singing lunch." It is illegal to employ the aboriginal inhabitants as anything but toilets, and some of the peculiar forms of native wildlife have up to nine assholes. The recent destruction of Darwin by a hurricane was actually a cover story for the regrettable coincidence of paydays on three separate sheep stations.

Good Points:
Amusing zoos.

Proper Forms of Address:
Steady there, Cool off, For Christ's sake-not in the sink, Stay back, I've got a gun!

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Australian Character:
An Australian fellow asks his girl friend to fight, but she says she doesn't want to because she isn't feeling well.
"Whatta ya mean, not feeling well?" he says.
"You know," she says, "I've got my time of the month."
"Whatta ya mean, time of the month?" he says.
"You know," she says, "I've got my period."
"Whatta ya mean, period?" he says.
"You know," she says, "I'm bleeding down here." And she opens up her pants to show him.
"Jesus," he says, "no wonder you're bleeding! They've gone and cut your cock off!"

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 18:41
(Apologies, OFSO - it's not a hijack. We're all tourists of some sort.)

You're not Spanish are you, Shack37?


SPANISH
Racial Characteristics:
As hot of blood as they are dim of mind, a national situation dating back to the fifteenth century when they expelled the last of the Moors, and with them the only people south of the Pyrennees who could count above twenty. The deep-seated strain of masochistic homosexuality manifested in their love for watching ritualized forms of stooptag played with large male cows needs hardly be commented on, except to say that Ernest Hemingway's fondness for this country and its neolithic pastimes was enough to keep most educated people away through the better part of the present century. Spiritually, the Spanish are disfigured beyond help by a particularly greasy sort of religious fanaticism that manifests itself in morbid visions of the type in which our Savior is seen swallowing the menses of his Virgin Mother and so on and so forth to an extent that turns sensible people ill. The Spanish are largely notable for having set out some 500 years ago and found the only people on the face of the earth primitive enough for them to conquer. (See Mexicans.)

Good Points:
Only one book that has to be read for Comparative Lit. courses.

Proper Forms of Address:
Spic, greaser, tight pants, hankie-crotch.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Spanish Character:
In 1536, the explorer Cabeza de Vaca brought an Antarctic penguin back to Spain and displayed it to the mother superior of the Carmelite Order in Madrid, who thereupon had 1,300 nuns burned by the Inquisition trying to obtain a confession.

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 18:43
Two more:


MEXICANS
Racial Characteristics:
Resembling the Spanish in all their more loathsome characteristics except lazier, dirtier, and more thieving. A large percentage of American Indian blood in the average Mexican deprives him of any natural human sympathies or moral sense and makes him a wholly unmanageable drunk. The principal industry of Mexico is the production of pornographic playing cards that depict their women corrupting the morals of donkeys. Completely untrustworthy, the Mexican will make food out of anything that will hold still, feed it to you, and charge you for it besides. An attempt to conquer and hence eliminate this pesky breed of miscegenators was launched by our government during the last century, but wholesale nausea on the part of our troops, when they'd witnessed Mexican home life prevented our doing as thorough a job as we should have.

Good Points:
You can buy their twelve-year-old daughters.

Proper Forms of Address:
Wetback, beaner, chili-dipper, taco turd, flap hat.

Three Important Questions Concerning the Mexican Economy:
What do you call all thirty-eight members of a Mexican family packed into one Cadillac?
Grand theft auto.
How did they get all thirty-eight members of a Mexican family packed into one Cadillac?
They picked the lock.
What's hot on the outside, brown on the inside, and stinks like hell all over?
All thirty-eight members of a Mexican family packed into one Cadillac.


SCOTS
Racial Characteristics:
Sour, stingy, depressing beggars who parade around in schoolgirl skirts with nothing on underneath. Their fumbled attempt at speaking the English language has been a source of amusement for five centuries, and their idiot music has been dreaded by those not blessed with the deafness for at least as long. The latter is produced on a device resembling five flutes that have grown a piss bladder. Formerly, the Scots painted themselves blue and ranged far and wide over the British Isles, but good fortune prevailed and they were conquered by their betters. What passes for an alcoholic beverage in the dreary province to which the Scots have been driven has enjoyed a short vogue among fairies and advertising types, but this appears to be giving way to cocaine.

Good Points:
Attractive plaids.

Proper Forms of Address:
Scotty, Jock, legs, plaid ass.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Scots Character:
In recent years, the small Scottish Nationalist movement has become so desperate that it's been kidnapping money and ransoming it for people.

Rollingthunder
3rd Sep 2010, 18:56
Don't like this thread, no smilie at all

Lon More
3rd Sep 2010, 19:38
Nicked from the Likely Lads Mamasan.
Terry Collier,made him me life model at the time

Initial thought it was a quote from your goodself FSL

BTW what's your opinion of the Andrew sharing ships with the Frogs?

tony draper
3rd Sep 2010, 19:42
Be ok if the French are restricted to making the tea and doing the washing up.
:rolleyes:

OFSO
3rd Sep 2010, 20:29
Tony, have you ever tasted tea made by French people ? Luke-warm water and one tea-leaf per cup. And condensed milk...IF you're lucky.

Yeeech.

tony draper
3rd Sep 2010, 20:33
Well we are talking about the Gray Funnel Line,they are not as fussy as we of the Red Duster.
:rolleyes:

Parapunter
3rd Sep 2010, 20:39
How does the old one go?

Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the Chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, the Police are German and it's all organised by the Italians.

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 20:50
Boom - boom, Mr D!

:D

Sallyann1234
3rd Sep 2010, 21:06
Very good so far RJM but what of the Arabs and israelis?

I think we should be told.

RJM
3rd Sep 2010, 21:13
I didn't put those up.

But because the aim is to insult none by insulting all in jest ...

ARABS
Racial Characteristics:
Wear bed sheets and put bags over their women's heads. They burp and fart during meals and wash themselves in sand. They bugger little boys and practice some stupid religion that they're trying to get all our Negroes to believe in. Disorderly cowards when they have to fight anyone else, they nonetheless quite courageously murder each other and chop off people's hands for littering. They plant bombs everywhere they go and own all the earth's oil, which is why you can't buy high-test if you're wearing a yarmulke. They hate Jews because Jews are the only people in the world with noses uglier than their own, and they're cornering the Cadillac market so that the Hebes will have to drive Buicks.

Good Points:
If they had any country clubs, they wouldn't let Jews in.

Proper Forms of Address:
Camel jockey, tent-head, soggy Arabian, desert Irish, gas-ass.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Arab Character:
During the Yom Kippur War, Syrian armored units were preparing to charge several fortified positions in the Golan Heights when the Israelis canceled their credit rating.


ISRAELIS
Racial Characteristics:
Living proof that money can't buy love, these greedy, usurious, scheming Christ-killers, who won't eat pork because it reminds them of their parents, go around moving into other people's countries and buying up all the pawnshops and delicatessens. They were personally responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire, the 1929 stock market crash, and the loss of World War II by a prominent European country. Now they're ruining show business. Their fiendish heathen religious rituals include mutilating the penises of their own sons and drinking the blood of Christian babies during Lent. The world's nations have historically competed with each other to see who could get rid of them fastest. They control the legal, medical, psychiatric, and accountancy professions, and are the force behind international communism, freemasonry, sex education, the media, and the catholic church.

Good Points:
Clean women.

Proper Forms of Address:
Yid, kike, sheeny, Hebe, nickel-nose, knife-nose, gabardine stroking mockey, clip-tip.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Israeli Character:
A pious rabbi in Tel Aviv had to give up adultery for business reasons. He kept losing interest on his wife.

skyfish2
3rd Sep 2010, 21:57
:ouch:I take it you meant,by grEy funnel you you mean the REAL navy?classic geordie error

Shack37
3rd Sep 2010, 22:21
You're not Spanish are you, Shack37?


No RJM, just married to one and resident here. Irish of the northern persuasion. The first line of your racial characteristics isn't a million miles out except for the priest bit.:uhoh:

B Fraser
3rd Sep 2010, 23:00
My favourite term of affection for an Israeli is a "Red Sea Pedestrian".

Ok, time to insult the Welsh and the Belgians..... I'm looking forward to it :ok:

Pugilistic Animus
4th Sep 2010, 00:15
------:ooh:------

RJM
4th Sep 2010, 00:23
Sorry - no Welsh, Belgian or Cloggies.

Try these:

ITALIANS
Racial Characteristics:
This least appealing of the European peoples combines natural criminal propensities with an attitude of slavish idolatry toward that Whore of Rome, the Pope. When speaking, the Italians gesture frantically with their hands in an attempt to distract your gaze from their ugly faces-upon which are clearly etched the marks of their moral and intellectual degeneracy.

They cannot stop stealing, and will sometimes go so far as to steal money that is rightfully theirs from the pockets of their own trousers even as they wear them. Worse yet, they rarely catch themselves doing so. (Not that it matters, since their currency is worth nothing.) Otherwise, they amuse themselves by kidnapping the neighbor's children, voting for Communists, and staying out on strike, where they've been since the 1940s. On the field of battle they are abject cowards, and in the kitchen they're enthralled with bruised tomatoes and the noodle only.

Good Points:
Big tits.

Proper Forms of Address:
Ginzo, guinea, dago, spaghetti-bender, wop.

A German Joke of the War Years Illustrating Some Points Concerning the Italian Character:
During the campaign in North Africa, an Italian tank and a German tank accidentally collided and the two surprised drivers jumped out. The Italian yelled, "I surrender! I surrender!" The German shot him.


JAPANESE
Racial Characteristics:
Resembling the Chinese in many respects but mercifully less numerous. Their idea of a good time is to torture people, preferably by inserting a glass rod in the penis, then doing the predictable thing. And this is only for captured business competitors. During time Of war, they resort to more drastic measures entirely. They have no new ideas of their own or any native creativity, but they are able to copy everything we do quite nicely, considering the color of their skin. Their diet consists principally of fish, which they do not cook or even, in many cases, kill. It's rumored that they know of sex acts peculiar unto themselves, and with any luck, so it will stay. The most frightening thing about the Japanese is that we've tried the atomic bomb on them twice and it doesn't seem to have much effect.

Good Points:
Frequently commit suicide.

Proper Forms of Address:
Nip, Jap, dink, gook, yellow rat.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Japanese Character:
There was once a half-Japanese, half-Polish businessman in Tokyo who attempted to export miniaturized dildos.

mini
4th Sep 2010, 00:23
No mini, not on PPRuNe.

JB Mods

RJM
4th Sep 2010, 00:26
Fair enough, but this is not a racial slur thread. It's 'faux racism' for laughs.

Completely politically incorrect, but all of us are grown up and sophisticated here ...

Try this one, mini:


CHINESE
Racial Characteristics:
Hordes of incomprehensible rat-eaters with a peculiar political philosophy and a dangerous penchant for narcotic drugs. No one can possibly know what dark and grotesque things pass through the minds of this hydraheaded racial anomaly which is, after all, more like a monstrous colony of flesh-crazed carpenter ants than a nation of rational men. Only a fool would deal with two-legged insects ..such as these. Our only hope is that the farsighted leaders of our own land Will join with those of at least nominally Caucasian Soviet Russia and that together they will treat us to the welcome spectacle of a thermonuclear obliteration of this yellow menace.

Good Points:
They're almost as far away as it's possible to be.

Proper Forms of Address:
Zipper head, Chink, slant, ching-chong Chinaman, yellow peril.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Chinese Character:
Nine hundred million Chinese walk into a bar. They order a beer, pay up, and then just sit there, sipping their drinks, not saying a word. Finally, the bartender can't stand it anymore. "We don't see many Chinese in here," he says.
"And with this atmosphere of hedonistic individualism capitalistically exploiting the labor of the masses and wasting the people's agricultural resources," say the Chinese, "you won't see many more."

ExSp33db1rd
4th Sep 2010, 05:50
Aus.

No sense of humour.

I'll omit the borin' aviation related detail, but took off from Singapore for Sydney just ahead of Qantas, who then spent the next couple of hours attemping to climb through our altitude to a higher level, but we foiled them at every attempt because we got climb clearance just before them each time. Eventually, in frustration, Qantas complained that we hadn't the power to be climbing the way we were claiming, oh yes we can, I said, we have Rolls-Royce power ( a new feature of the 747 in those days ) and you're stuck with Pratt and Witney - and by the way, you've just lost another wicket !! ( England were playing Aus. in Sydney )

Qantas refused to talk to us again all night, and stood at the other end of Customs when we both arrived at Sydney.

later same trip - returned from Auckland to Melbourne, and had heard that Aus. had lost the Test Match, so innocently asked Melbourne ATC on first contact if they could advise us, if they didn't mind, of the result of the cricket match ?

Long silence and then the ATC guy said - "I'm not going to tell you" - pause - "I'll hand you over to one of my Pommie mates " who then confirmed the Aussie beating.

Good fun, tho' !!

corsair
4th Sep 2010, 11:29
I'm offended by the Irish entry RJM, it's too short, waaaay out of date and not nearly offensive enough. I think we Irish deserve better or should that be worse. :=

B Fraser
4th Sep 2010, 19:49
Ok, Swedes, Finns and Norwegians next please. Iceland was recently re-christened Icebabwe so 'nuff said. :E

G-CPTN
4th Sep 2010, 19:56
I suspect the Swedes 'look down' on the Danes (who look down on the Norwegians) rather like the Americans 'looked down' on the Poles (back in the 1970s - don't know about today).

RJM
4th Sep 2010, 20:16
This stuff was written for National Lampoon around 1970, hence the datedness. O'Rourke had obviously travelled with a keen eye, though.

I think the Scandinavians are all lumped together under Swedes:

SWEDISH
Racial Characteristics:
Tedious, clean-living Boy Scout types, strangers to graffiti and littering, but who are possessed of an odd suicidal mania. Speculation is that they're slowly boring themselves to death. This is certainly the case if their cars and movies are any indication. They eat a lot of fish, and perhaps this is more brain food than their modest cranial endowments can cope with. In other points they resemble Canadians, though better looking. Not that that's saying much. Maybe they're depressed because they have the silliest sounding language west of the Urals. Or maybe it's that they have the ugliest famous actress of any civilized nation. No use asking them; what with their silly sounding language and ugly actresses, it's almost impossible for them to get anything across to anyone. Swedes f*ck a lot, but only in the missionary position.

Good Points:
They're white.

Proper Forms of Address:
Herring-choker, herring-knocker, squarehead, Swede.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Swedish Character:
At a wedding party in Stockholm, the inebriated groom stumbles into a bedroom and finds his bride getting f*cked by the best man. He laughs uproariously and calls all his friends over to the room. They tell him he's drunk. "You think I'm drunk?" he yells. "Take a look at Sven! He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

chuks
5th Sep 2010, 03:40
Are you concussed or do stupid ideas such as this just come naturally to you? Do you really, really think we need to recycle National Lampoon humour here, given all the fully paid-up bigots and loons who infest this place's various nooks and crannies?

I find this Don Rickles style of stuff just so... old, somehow, as in, "It has been done."

On the other hand, that image of a glass rod shoved up a penis... now that really did show a feather-light touch, a real gift for humour. Does this stuff just come naturally or does one have to sit around thinking it up?

RJM
5th Sep 2010, 07:04
Germans were 'done' in post #6, this thread. There's nothing on South Africans. Perhaps they are, like Australian politics, beyond parody.

As for recycling National Lampoon - the humour may be a little undergraduate, but it was written to amuse rather than offend. P J O'Rourke has proven himself a significant 'comic observer', whatever his roots.

Shake up a Chibuku or pour a schnapps and relax, chuks.

Rhayader
5th Sep 2010, 09:36
Spike Milligan complained to Richard Ingrams, the then editor of 'Private Eye', that why haven't they libelled him as he always wanted to be libelled. Sure enough in the next issue a piece contained the words.... 'Spike Milligan is a dirty Irish poove'.

Spike sued on he grounds he had been called Irish.

:}

RJM
5th Sep 2010, 09:47
Milligan - another comic genius:

Greenslade:
This is the BBC Light Programme. And candidly, I'm fed up with it.

Secombe:
Have a care there, Wallace, otherwise I'll be forced to speak to John Snagge.

Greenslade:
My dear fellow, everybody has to be forced to speak to John Snagge.

Secombe:
Come, curb those biting cynicisms and permit me to present the highly esteemed Goon Show...


thread drift - sorry

B Fraser
5th Sep 2010, 10:26
Spike was Indian by birth so over to you sir !

Ali Qadoo
5th Sep 2010, 10:41
Spike Milligan? Indians? Don't get me started on Indians. Look what they did to Custer!

Rhayader
5th Sep 2010, 11:33
Too right, never been the same since they shut the factory in Birmingham.

Storminnorm
5th Sep 2010, 11:42
Spike wasn't Bl++dy Indian. He was born there, but his
Dad was serving there in the Army. Dad was Irish.
Couldn't get a British Passport later in life, even though
He'd served in the Bl**dy Army himself, in N Africa in the
War.
Took umbridge at that Bl**dy insult, and went to the Irish
Embassy to try his luck with them.
They couldn't give him a passport quick enough!! Loved him!!!

Wrote a GREAT book, titled "Adolf Hitler. My part in his Downfall."
Brilliant stuff.

YorkshireTyke
5th Sep 2010, 11:48
Milligan.

Retired to Aus. to some place with the unlikely name of Woy Woy. Kids insisted that we drive there once, but didn't see him.

Liked his intended Epitaph ...... " I told you I was poorly "

RJM
5th Sep 2010, 13:15
Another bl**dy Yorkshireman!

Vercingetorix
5th Sep 2010, 13:35
Also wrote a book called 'Puckoon'

wings folded
5th Sep 2010, 17:33
Liked his intended Epitaph ...... " I told you I was poorly "

Haven't checked it in situ, but I understand that his tombstone carries the inscription (in Gaelic) "I told you that I was not feeling well"

RJM
5th Sep 2010, 18:43
I have an idea he was a good trumpeter too.

spInY nORmAn
5th Sep 2010, 19:52
Often referred to as "Spike Milligna - the well known typing error".

He was a comic genius!

"I'd like to buy a return ticket"
"Where to?"
"Back here again of course, you fool!"

tony draper
5th Sep 2010, 19:58
Puckoon,
"Who wrote me these legs"
:)

Cardinal Puff
5th Sep 2010, 21:47
Follow up to Puckoon is The Looney. Great bit of writing.