SteveSmith
30th Aug 2010, 17:18
Apologies if this is in the wrong place, or just too frivolous, but the extract I've pasted below was published in the Telegraph this weekend, from James May's new book "How to land and A330 Airbus...". The extract supposedly tells you what to do should you find yourself in control of an A330.
The question is, is he right?
Thanks,
Steve.
The crew has been murdered or laid out by manky prawns from the in-flight meal, and the aircraft is at 38,000ft, pilotless. It can stay there until the fuel runs out and it falls to earth, or you can seize the controls from the expired captain and bring it in to rapturous acclaim, and probably a refund.
First, make your way to the flight deck and discover that the door leading to it is locked. This has been a requirement since 9/11; even in the midst of this melodrama it is worth pausing for a second to reflect on the deep irony of it all. A cabin attendant should be able to unlock it for you.
Assuming the aircraft is in the cruise, the autopilot will almost certainly be engaged and you can take time to familiarise yourself with “the office”. The captain of a fixed-wing aircraft sits on the left – that is where you should sit.
Now you must make your emergency call to air traffic control and for this you will need the aircraft’s call sign, which will be displayed on the panel in front of you on a small plaque. Let’s say we are aboard G-ABCD. Put on the headset and depress the PTT (Press To Talk) button on the joystick. Now, and in a voice that is calm, level, clipped, clear, unhurried, tinged with icy resolve , say : “Mayday, mayday, mayday. Golf Alfa Bravo Charlie Delta. Pilot and first officer disabled. I am a passenger, I have taken control and I await your instructions.”
The international language of air traffic control is English, so even over the Greek islands whoever is listening will be shaken from his or her diurnal torpor by your textbook professionalism.
While the controller desperately rings around in search of someone who can help you over the radio, relax. Remember – the autopilot is still on and the autopilot is your best friend. At the very least, it is a much better pilot than you are.
You could even press the PA button, talk to the passengers and advise them of the outside air temperature. Don’t worry about getting the temperature exactly right – minus 32C will do – as they don’t actually care, but the calming effect of pilot babble will be welcomed in the cheap seats.
The small screen directly ahead of you shows, from left to right, the air speed indicator, or ASI (how fast you’re going), the attitude indicator (or artificial horizon), the altimeter (how high you are) and the vertical speed indicator (how quickly you’re climbing or descending). Along the bottom is the direction indicator (your compass heading). Keep the speed between the two red “bugs” at the top and bottom of the scale on the ASI. Above the top one the aircraft could fall apart; below the bottom one and it will stall and fall out of the sky, in accordance with Newton. Speeds are in knots.
The next thing you will probably have to do is retune the radio, most likely to the international distress frequency of 121.50.
Airbus Industries’ flawless control logic says that when the knobs are pulled out, control rests with the pilot. When they are pushed in, it rests with the preprogrammed flight computer. Therefore, pull them out when instructed to make inputs, otherwise the aircraft will blithely continue to head where it was already going.
You are now ready to fly the Airbus to an airport, under instruction from the controller, using the autopilot. There are just three knobs to worry about here, and they control airspeed, heading and altitude.
Simply twirl the knobs until the values given by the controller appear on the digital display. By this means you will be able to fly the aeroplane to an airport with no more difficulty than you would have in setting the timer on a microwave oven. But don’t tell anyone.
If air traffic control has any sense – and these people are generally selected for their intelligence and cool-headedness – they will have directed you to an airport that will allow you to use the Airbus’s Instrument Landing System (ILS). If you have been vectored to a remote runway on a disused airbase where you have to land the aeroplane manually, you may as well forget it, because, as one A330 captain put it: “Everyone will be killed.”
As you make your way on autopilot to the airport, you will have to programme the ILS in the cockpit using the Multi-purpose Control and Display Unit, or MCDU, or “McDoo” in the chummy lexicon of real pilots. This is near your right knee.
By now, control will have instructed you to descend using the autopilot and you will be nearing 3,000ft. It is time to slow the Airbus down for the final approach. Using the speed knob on the autopilot, gently wind the airspeed down until it is about 10 knots above the lower red “bug” on the ASI. Now select the first stage of flap, using the conveniently flap-shaped lever.
With the wings now generating more lift, that lower bug on the ASI will move to a lower speed. Repeat the above process for the second stage of flap – slow to 10 knots above the bug, pull the lever.
Control will give you a frequency and heading for the ILS of the airport; in the case of London Heathrow, it will be 109.5/272. On the McDoo, press the button marked RAD/NAV. Enter the frequency and heading with the keypad and, when they appear on the screen, press the little button alongside. The ILS is now programmed but not yet active.
Next, control will direct you to intercept something called QDM, which is the heading to the runway. Again, this is a simple matter of twiddling the knobs on the autopilot. Once flying straight and level on the right heading, you can initiate the ILS you programmed earlier. Just press the button marked APPR (for “approach”) on the autopilot and the Airbus will make its own way to the runway.
But there is still much work for you to do before attaining glory. Lower the undercarriage using the lever over on the first officer’s side. Three green lights on the display above will confirm that it is down and locked. Next, and after reducing the airspeed to around 15 knots above the lower bug, deploy the final two stages of flap. The aircraft will seem to you to be travelling absurdly slowly towards the runway, which should now be visible. Resist the urge to push the throttles open or pull back on the joystick.
At the runway threshold, the nose will also seem to be pointing too far down. Again, do not interfere. It will “flare” automatically; that is, lift its nose to increase lift just before touchdown and lower the rate of descent. As soon as the main wheels make contact with the runway, pull the two throttles back until they will go no further, the “idle” position. The end of the runway will tilt into view and the nose wheel will touch down.
All that remains is to stop. Press with your toes on the rudder pedals to work the wheel brakes. At the same time, lift the small levers on the back of the throttles, which will allow them to move further backwards. This triggers reverse thrust from the engines. Once the aeroplane has slowed to a brisk trot, return the throttles to idle and come to a halt using your feet.
Apply the parking brake, shut down the engines by lifting and twisting the knobs marked ENG 1 and ENG 2, press the PA button and say: “Cabin crew, doors to manual.” If you have landed at Barcelona it is permissible to say “Cabin crew, doors to Manuel.” It’s an old joke, but tensions will be so high that you’re guaranteed a laugh.
The question is, is he right?
Thanks,
Steve.
The crew has been murdered or laid out by manky prawns from the in-flight meal, and the aircraft is at 38,000ft, pilotless. It can stay there until the fuel runs out and it falls to earth, or you can seize the controls from the expired captain and bring it in to rapturous acclaim, and probably a refund.
First, make your way to the flight deck and discover that the door leading to it is locked. This has been a requirement since 9/11; even in the midst of this melodrama it is worth pausing for a second to reflect on the deep irony of it all. A cabin attendant should be able to unlock it for you.
Assuming the aircraft is in the cruise, the autopilot will almost certainly be engaged and you can take time to familiarise yourself with “the office”. The captain of a fixed-wing aircraft sits on the left – that is where you should sit.
Now you must make your emergency call to air traffic control and for this you will need the aircraft’s call sign, which will be displayed on the panel in front of you on a small plaque. Let’s say we are aboard G-ABCD. Put on the headset and depress the PTT (Press To Talk) button on the joystick. Now, and in a voice that is calm, level, clipped, clear, unhurried, tinged with icy resolve , say : “Mayday, mayday, mayday. Golf Alfa Bravo Charlie Delta. Pilot and first officer disabled. I am a passenger, I have taken control and I await your instructions.”
The international language of air traffic control is English, so even over the Greek islands whoever is listening will be shaken from his or her diurnal torpor by your textbook professionalism.
While the controller desperately rings around in search of someone who can help you over the radio, relax. Remember – the autopilot is still on and the autopilot is your best friend. At the very least, it is a much better pilot than you are.
You could even press the PA button, talk to the passengers and advise them of the outside air temperature. Don’t worry about getting the temperature exactly right – minus 32C will do – as they don’t actually care, but the calming effect of pilot babble will be welcomed in the cheap seats.
The small screen directly ahead of you shows, from left to right, the air speed indicator, or ASI (how fast you’re going), the attitude indicator (or artificial horizon), the altimeter (how high you are) and the vertical speed indicator (how quickly you’re climbing or descending). Along the bottom is the direction indicator (your compass heading). Keep the speed between the two red “bugs” at the top and bottom of the scale on the ASI. Above the top one the aircraft could fall apart; below the bottom one and it will stall and fall out of the sky, in accordance with Newton. Speeds are in knots.
The next thing you will probably have to do is retune the radio, most likely to the international distress frequency of 121.50.
Airbus Industries’ flawless control logic says that when the knobs are pulled out, control rests with the pilot. When they are pushed in, it rests with the preprogrammed flight computer. Therefore, pull them out when instructed to make inputs, otherwise the aircraft will blithely continue to head where it was already going.
You are now ready to fly the Airbus to an airport, under instruction from the controller, using the autopilot. There are just three knobs to worry about here, and they control airspeed, heading and altitude.
Simply twirl the knobs until the values given by the controller appear on the digital display. By this means you will be able to fly the aeroplane to an airport with no more difficulty than you would have in setting the timer on a microwave oven. But don’t tell anyone.
If air traffic control has any sense – and these people are generally selected for their intelligence and cool-headedness – they will have directed you to an airport that will allow you to use the Airbus’s Instrument Landing System (ILS). If you have been vectored to a remote runway on a disused airbase where you have to land the aeroplane manually, you may as well forget it, because, as one A330 captain put it: “Everyone will be killed.”
As you make your way on autopilot to the airport, you will have to programme the ILS in the cockpit using the Multi-purpose Control and Display Unit, or MCDU, or “McDoo” in the chummy lexicon of real pilots. This is near your right knee.
By now, control will have instructed you to descend using the autopilot and you will be nearing 3,000ft. It is time to slow the Airbus down for the final approach. Using the speed knob on the autopilot, gently wind the airspeed down until it is about 10 knots above the lower red “bug” on the ASI. Now select the first stage of flap, using the conveniently flap-shaped lever.
With the wings now generating more lift, that lower bug on the ASI will move to a lower speed. Repeat the above process for the second stage of flap – slow to 10 knots above the bug, pull the lever.
Control will give you a frequency and heading for the ILS of the airport; in the case of London Heathrow, it will be 109.5/272. On the McDoo, press the button marked RAD/NAV. Enter the frequency and heading with the keypad and, when they appear on the screen, press the little button alongside. The ILS is now programmed but not yet active.
Next, control will direct you to intercept something called QDM, which is the heading to the runway. Again, this is a simple matter of twiddling the knobs on the autopilot. Once flying straight and level on the right heading, you can initiate the ILS you programmed earlier. Just press the button marked APPR (for “approach”) on the autopilot and the Airbus will make its own way to the runway.
But there is still much work for you to do before attaining glory. Lower the undercarriage using the lever over on the first officer’s side. Three green lights on the display above will confirm that it is down and locked. Next, and after reducing the airspeed to around 15 knots above the lower bug, deploy the final two stages of flap. The aircraft will seem to you to be travelling absurdly slowly towards the runway, which should now be visible. Resist the urge to push the throttles open or pull back on the joystick.
At the runway threshold, the nose will also seem to be pointing too far down. Again, do not interfere. It will “flare” automatically; that is, lift its nose to increase lift just before touchdown and lower the rate of descent. As soon as the main wheels make contact with the runway, pull the two throttles back until they will go no further, the “idle” position. The end of the runway will tilt into view and the nose wheel will touch down.
All that remains is to stop. Press with your toes on the rudder pedals to work the wheel brakes. At the same time, lift the small levers on the back of the throttles, which will allow them to move further backwards. This triggers reverse thrust from the engines. Once the aeroplane has slowed to a brisk trot, return the throttles to idle and come to a halt using your feet.
Apply the parking brake, shut down the engines by lifting and twisting the knobs marked ENG 1 and ENG 2, press the PA button and say: “Cabin crew, doors to manual.” If you have landed at Barcelona it is permissible to say “Cabin crew, doors to Manuel.” It’s an old joke, but tensions will be so high that you’re guaranteed a laugh.