View Full Version : Childhood Logic

20th Aug 2010, 10:28
When I was a nipper of about five, I firmly believed that babies were grown in incubators. One had seen pix of babies in incubators on TV and Grandad grew cucumbers and stuff in glass-top cold frames which were obviously the same thing.

Another one, which literally came down with a bump, was that chewing gum (and therefore, hopefully perhaps bubblegum too) came from Beech nuts. This was because Beechnut chewing gum used both the name and a pic on the packet of er... Beech nuts for its product. Attempts to get the early crop ended with a few bumps and bruises and the double realisation that Beech trees only produce beech nuts and that marketing departments are full of lying bastards.

And of course, roadside drainage grates give you The Fever....:uhoh:

20th Aug 2010, 10:39
My nipper, who is lazy like her mum, has said to me recently and I quote:

"I can't walk daddy because my legs are broken"

and: "I'm not very good at walking".

Well that settles it, a ride on daddy's shoulders it is then.

girl with a stick
20th Aug 2010, 10:50
When I was a little un, I asked my ma,

"mummy, how do they tell the weather?"

"they send up balloons" my rather eccentric mother replied

"does God write the answer on the balloons?" I wondered.

Since then I've become a pilot and an atheist....

20th Aug 2010, 10:54
When I was a nipper, I asked my mum,

"Mum, what's my tummy button for?"
"It's to do with when you were in my tummy".

All was clear .... I came out of the tummy button. I would sit, literally contemplating my navel in horror at this concept.

Then I asked my Dad,

"Dad, did I come out of Mummy's tummy button?"
"No, you came out the same way you went in".

Didn't help.



20th Aug 2010, 10:59
I spent some time wondering how God knew people were married, so that he could give them babies. Did you have to tell him, or did he just know? How did he know?

Thus began my religious scepticism.

20th Aug 2010, 10:59
A friend* working in a business where he was (and still is, as long as we need oil) away a lot had to explain to his wife's very young child-of-a-previous marriage where he kept going.

He told the young one that he was Superman and had to keep going off to save the world.

This story was accepted as true and the child believed it until he was 7 or 8, at which time his school comrade's admiration ("wow ! your dad's really superman ?") changed to disbelief and derision ("gerroff, you stupid git, superman's not real !").

*I should add that if any mortal man WAS superman, it would be my friend, although he doesn't have a Clarke Kent persona !

20th Aug 2010, 10:59
Aged four at the cinema with my brother: (loudly) I don't like this, can you turn it over?

Cue much embarrased 16 year old brother.

20th Aug 2010, 11:11
When I was very young, my Mother would excuse her unwillingness to do something physical by claiming that she had 'a bone in her leg' which I accepted as some sort of disability (albeit temporary).

Later, I deduced that married people acquired furrows on their brow . . .

B Fraser
20th Aug 2010, 11:17
Well that settles it, a ride on daddy's shoulders it is then.

"I'm too heavy for my legs" is usually a cue for a lift onto Daddy's Taxi.

The Bairns are avid book readers and one day, "C" came across a picture of some roller-skates. His little forehead furrowed and he promptly announced that they were "car shoes". We have a leather bound book full of gems that are added to on almost a daily basis. Things are stuck to the earth thanks to "grabity". I guess they are.

20th Aug 2010, 11:24
My ex used to work as a freelance translator/interpreter.

On the day in question, she was in her study, translating a document, when our son, then aged about four, went in to see her. The next thing I hear is (at quite a few decibels) is, "Misha, can you leave me alone, I've got a deadline to meet".

Misha then comes to find me, and asks, in all innocence, "Daddy, why is Mummy going to meet a dead lion?"

Lon More
20th Aug 2010, 11:29
Received these yesterday:-

Why do we love children?

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear

20th Aug 2010, 11:36
When I was small and very young (5 - 6 years), my route home from infant school had three distinct staging posts:

Auntie May's house
The corner shop
Granny's houseThe homeward trek might start with a visit to Auntie. When hardly through the door I would announce "They're selling ice lollies in the shop", and after a pause to let this sink in, would attempt a winsome smile up at my kindly, motherly, but sadly childless relative. She usually held out for all of five minutes, before her brown leather purse appeared and one or two coins of the realm passed into my eager hand, a quick kiss on the forehead was (almost) dodged, and a sprint to the shop followed. Shameless little beggar ....

The lolly would last until almost at Granny's back door, where a still-warm bread pudding might be temptingly laid out in the kitchen to cool. Hanging longingly around this food of the gods (no-one, but no-one, made bread puddings like my Gran), she would eventually get my drift and cut me the highly prized corner portion. Another almost-dodged kiss on the brow, and then the final slow walk to our house. This took just enough time to consume the fruity stodge, and then my mother would hustle and bustle to make sure I didn't waste away with hunger. Yes, life was good for cunning little scroungers, and for free entertainment there was always the shrapnel collection to swap at school, the Spitfires to watch tearing around after flying bombs, and sleeping downstairs under the steel Morrison shelter (for an adventure, my Mum said) during air raids. I firmly believed that I was very, very lucky to be living in Kent in WW2 ....

20th Aug 2010, 12:21
I was firmly convinced as a child that if cars were made with very small front wheels, and big back wheels, they would permanently be pointing downhill, and would ,therefore, not need an engine.

20th Aug 2010, 12:37
When young I overheard a conversation between my father and a friend to the effect that he had to replace the petrol pump on the family car. A few days later we were on a trip and ran out of petrol. I can remember being very confused and asking why the car had run out of petrol when it had it's own petrol pump - and everyone knew that you took your car to the petrol pump to get more petrol.

20th Aug 2010, 12:55
I can clearly recall being mortified, at age 7 or so, to discover that ‘codliveroil’ wasn’t one word. The thought that the dreaded spoonful of muck I’d been assured by my Mum would ward off all manner of ills was, in fact, oil from a cod’s liver caused me to have the ‘dry bokes’ for quite some time.

20th Aug 2010, 13:36
Though brought up in North London, my infant school was staffed entirely by Welsh teachers....all called Miss Jones. Not only that, but they all spoke Welsh to each other, and I was certain for a while that that was a special "teacher language".

20th Aug 2010, 13:58
These days an infestation like that would be dealt with very promptly by the Authorities.

20th Aug 2010, 14:25
Many moons ago a friend of mine, whilst we were both stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado with the 4th Infantry Division, took his son to work as part of that yearly
ritual. (Bring your kids to work day.)

I was walking with my friend and his son when a Battalion commander happened by. (Bn. commander in this instance was a Colonel)

The Colonel stopped and said hello to my friend's son. Who then asked the Colonel if he was a cook in the Army. Perplexed the Colonel asked the young lad why he thought that. Upon which my friend's son answered "Because of that chicken on your hat".


20th Aug 2010, 15:27
My dad - a great artist - encouraged me to draw from an early age. When I was a wee toddler he asked me why I'd drawn wheels on the bottom of a boat - I answered (not realising that boats could float) that actually boats ran on their wheels on the sea bottom. Dad explained the bit about floating and I still remember being incredulous at his explanation.

About two days later we were in Newark St., Leicester, and a large boat went by on a trailer. I looked at dad and said "see ! see ! they do have wheels on the bottom."

(I'm still not sure they don't).

These days an infestation like that would be dealt with very promptly by the Authorities.

Is that what a group are called ? An Infestation of Welshmen ?

Loose rivets
20th Aug 2010, 15:45
A just post war film had a scroll going from top to bottom. As it...erm, scrolled, children, and some adults, shouted: "you can see the rollers!!"

20th Aug 2010, 16:15
Children can be scrupulously logical. My young niece asked me how it was possible to chop a tree down and then chop it up again? Our adult minds often skim over these logical conundra that make English a relatively hard language to learn.

20th Aug 2010, 16:53
twin brothers I know who came from out in the boonies about 120 miles from San Antonio claimed they were eleven years olf before they found out that 'damnyankee' was actually two words

20th Aug 2010, 17:02
My colleague tells her kids that the ice-cream van plays music when it's run out of ice-creamI do that. Saves fortunes.

20th Aug 2010, 17:57
There is a 4 year old missie who is asking her Mum if I will take her out when I come to visit.

Response - " Of course I will, can Mummy come along with?"

20th Aug 2010, 18:07
I remember in the early 1960's aged 5 or so, listening to the BBC News with my parents and hearing reports of American's being killed in Vietnam by guerillas.

Not surprisingly, I had this mental image of gorillas armed with sub-machine guns killing the Yanks.

I was wary the next few visits to Edinburgh zoo...

20th Aug 2010, 18:10

20th Aug 2010, 19:13
I have faint but very pleasant memories of attending Seaford primary school back in about 1969 or so. A 10 minute walk from our rented home at no. 10 The Ridgeway.

I remember being introduced to a very pretty blonde girl, all of 9 or 10 years old in the same class (but a quite a bit taller than I was) who was assigned to be my "big sister". I obviously fell in love with her, and even though I didn't need her protection, loved her company - hey, in those days, I was in the most senior class, most pupils were smaller than I was, and I soon gained a reputation for being the first to volunteer to try to recover the "lost balls" kicked over the fence into neighbouring gardens...?! The sight of a "coloured-child" endeavouring to recover a lost ball during morning break at their doorsteps probably startled most, but sufficiently to ensure the lost balls were soon back in play...?! I loved it there, athough everyone could see I was different, there was no "natural" animosity.

Those were the days when my dad would make me my favourite chilli cucumber with Lingham's chilli sauce as a snack after coming home from school. When my dad would turn "a blind eye" to all the commotion when my mates and I would launch ourselves off the wardrobe in his bedroom onto the double-bed, imagining we were throwing ourselves (for wont of a better term) onto the bodies of all the gals we fancied at school (I mean, how much more immature can you get, imagining you're throwing yourself off a 5ft high wardrobe onto your imagined girl-friend on the bed below...?! I don't think these imaginary girlfriends were ever naked (sex-education back then was somewhat limited)...?!

But roll-on about 3 years, the year is 1973, we've been in India / Malaysia in the interim, we return to Eastbourne (not very far away from Seaford) and I'm now enrolled in a secondary modern high-school. I'm in a junior class, most pupils are very much bigger than I. And they let you know that they don't like you. There are no "big sisters" here. Even those you sense don't agree with it all, nevertheless allow it to continue. The incessant racist remarks, the name-calling, from kids of my own age (even younger but mostly older and or bigger), based on nothing more than (the hatred), that their parents had managed to instill...?!

Only much later, did I discover tha in between the years of 1969 and 1973, the UK had experienced a huge influx of East-African Asian immigrants as a result of the problems there. Which was when the all the offensive ways to describe "not-quite Britons" became not only acceptable but fashionable.

If only I could meet "you all", in measured quantities, in a place of my choosing, probably in a very dark alleyway, today (armed with a Bren-gun). You made my life as an adolescent a misery. I don't know how much people like "you" have interfered negatively with my earlier career prospects as an adult. Care to make yourselves known?

Thought not, so just **** off and make yerselves scarce (Drapes could not put it any better)...?! Angry and seeking vengeance, YES. But do you like pudicats...?!;)

20th Aug 2010, 19:33
As I remember the influx of Kenyan Asians, most were well-educated and soon established themselves within the 'English' society - integrating wherever possible.

I don't deny that there was animosity and a general use of the word 'Pakki' that had become regular - but the main target of those words were not, as far as I remember, the Kenyan Asians (though some inevitably got caught up in the generalisation). I don't excuse in any way any aggression that was, undoubtedly, aimed at people of 'Indian' appearance. Am I misremembering?

I would apologise, but I'm sure that I am not qualified to apologise on behalf of those who mistreated you. I nevertheless feel ashamed of what occurred back then - I don't deny that it happened. I lived in Luton where there was a significant non-white population (still is, I believe, probably more so nowadays). Black people are different - visually so, obviously, and when anything negative occurs it is too easy to attack those who appear to be different. That doesn't make it right . . .

20th Aug 2010, 19:49
I was convinced that the other planets in the solar system were in fact other countires. So Jupiter was Japan and so on. Actually, I only remember that Jupiter was Japan, not sure what I thought the others were.

I was also convinced that Norfolk was where Cornwall is. Probably wishful thinking, as I still like that idea.

Dan Gerous
20th Aug 2010, 21:55
When I was wee, I used to think that the people who got killed in westerns, were actually killed, and were all criminals or bad people in real life.

bugg smasher
20th Aug 2010, 22:33
Children can be scrupulously logical.

From my then four-year old;

Dad, can you get me a glass of water, 'cause I wanna be thirsty.

20th Aug 2010, 22:38
Mother discovered her four year old in tears.

"What's wrong", she asked.

"Someone wee'd in my knickers", came the reply.

20th Aug 2010, 23:00
With all the linguistic logic I had at the time, my news book contained the phrase 'I have a hurtable tooth'. I still believe now it was a pretty decent description of an intermittent dental problem and properly constructed, grammatically....

20th Aug 2010, 23:58
Why didn't T-Rex wear shoes?
Cos' he couldn't reach down far enough to do up the laces.

Or cos' there weren't no Chinese (factories) yet and the Italians only sold shoes in expensive boutiques in Milan Paris, New York and London.

I could go on but that would be jumbling up a 4 year old's logic with that of a 40 year old.

Foxy Loxy
21st Aug 2010, 00:04
I always used to claim that I couldn't eat the brussels sprouts because I wouldn't then have room for my pudding :)

Pugilistic Animus
21st Aug 2010, 01:11
Oddly enough even though I'd wondered how they get the people so small for TV...etc...with airplanes even in my earliest memories thoughts of them, I could just 'see' how they worked, by intuition, at five or six I could identify all of the instruments---my eyes to this day remain intuitively focused on the zero lift axis and/or center of gravity track....planes just make sense:)

Edit: fireworks, however, were and are pure magic:D:ok::D

21st Aug 2010, 10:35
I remember thinking that the world pre colour TV was in fact black and white and hence the world my parents grew up in was in fact black and white.

Loose rivets
22nd Aug 2010, 04:48
Old friend's 4 year old granddaughter writes from here to Essex.

Dear Grandma, Thank you for the card, and the dress I didn't like.

Bring 'em up to tell the truth, I say.

Turns out all that was wrong was that it was too big, so hopefully she'll grow into liking it.

22nd Aug 2010, 06:53
I was always fascinated by the adverts for "Self drive cars". I couldn't see why dad bothered driving his when he could have one that drove itself.

22nd Aug 2010, 10:45
Childhood was more making an adventure (or potential disaster) out of any given situation.
Experienced great awe and reverence for Dad's 8mm Mauser rifle, when two brothers and self loaded and fired it one day. The procedure ran: lay rifle on grass, tie string to trigger long enough to reach back inside, cover ears and . . pull.
Not til years after it came to me perhaps the neighbours might've wondered about gunshots. (The neat hole through-and-through Mum's big aluminium pot might've been the giveaway.)
Academic really, since we were the last house left in a rapidly expanding industrial zone.

Visiting a lot of rural folk seemed to be the recurring theme.
One lunchtime the jovial farmer's wife piped up, "Sing out if you want any more!'
To which brother responed by bursting into tears, 'But I can't sing!'

Dad, frustrated with us one afternoon, turns round to my brother. "Mike . . errrr. . Bob . . errr . . Fred, come here!'
Brother's cheeky grin, 'You don't know my name, do you?'

Aaah, happy days.

tu chan go
22nd Aug 2010, 14:20
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?(written by kids)
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

22nd Aug 2010, 17:21
Is that what a group are called ? An Infestation of Welshmen ?


It's a Thicket.:ok:

CG (Boyo isn't it))

22nd Aug 2010, 22:11
Important religious questions from my son, then pre-school age (in his mid twenties now), while he was being driven in the family car:

"Daddy, does God control the traffic lights?"

"Daddy, are there toilets in heaven?"

22nd Aug 2010, 22:22
Such questions show that you had taught him about the existence of 'God'.

If he had had parents who subscribed to an alternative belief then his observations would have been different . . .

23rd Aug 2010, 07:34
When Richo Jnr was nearly 4, our beloved Lab died, she was old and happy and she just kicked on one day. He understood that she had died, and wouldnt be coming back, but had only dealt with the death of a few fish.

I took him outside to say goodbye to her, which he did with little or no emotion and then asked me if we had to flush her down the toot!.

Several of the aformentioned fish had also been replaced when the cunning cat had lunched on them and he was amazed at the "sudden growth" of blackie some days!

23rd Aug 2010, 08:10
When I was seven we all went on a rainforest tour in the tablelands west of Cairns. Just after we got off the tour bus the guide said to be on the lookout for snakes and not to walk on sticks because they could turn into snakes.

We walked around for the rest of the tour and touched the sticks and logs on the ground and if they were soggy and soft would say "careful this ones about to become a snake". Endless amusement for the rest of the folks on the tour.

For years afterwards I would look at a stick on the ground and wonder how much longer it had before it was ready to turn into a snake.

23rd Aug 2010, 09:16
It's the language that they develop when young. here's some as developed by 3-4 year old Ben - now a hulking great 29 year old copper.
Heaterater = radiator
Squisher-squashers = windscreen wipers
turning-round = roundabout
weeble-worble = water
cheese-wax = that object over there
pop-in-air = toast
bubbubs = marmalade
Finally, the sort of innocent remark that could really spell trouble.
Ben has a little brother, Ralph, who is four years younger almost to the day. Whilst Ben was a lovely calm little child who didn't even get the "terrible twos" Ralph was a permanent baby grumpling who did nothing but whine and gripe. When Ralph was about nine months mummy went away for six weeks sur le continent working leaving me - on extended leave - looking after 'em. I took them into a department's store cafe in Wimbledon for lunch (food always shut Ralph up). The only spare seats were at a table with the classic little old lady. She smiled at Ben, he smiled back.
"Is that your little brother".
"What's his name"?
"Ralph, but mummy says he's a pain in the 4r5e".
I cringed.
She smiled at me and said, "they can be such little angels".
Ralph is now a 6' 4" care worker with several ancient charges and has the patience of a saint with them.

23rd Aug 2010, 09:33
The language thing is very endearing isn't it? MIne says, amongst others:

Coombumber (Cucumber)
Fwapes (grapes)
Dishinna (conditioner)
Emmaplane (similar to a heli-chopter but with fixed wings)

23rd Aug 2010, 09:48
My four year old daughter was with us at a friend's wedding. The previous week I had taken her to the cinema for the first time to see Toy Story. She had been sitting quietly in the church throughout the ceremony but I noticed she kept gazing intently at the stained glass window depicting the crucifixion. At the point where the sky pilot had just given the bride and groom permission to kiss, my daughter jumped to her feet and with her arms spread wide yelled " TO INFINITY AND BEYOND".

Ancient Observer
23rd Aug 2010, 11:41
4 year old's translation of Dordogne - Boing-Boing.

Doesn't say much for my French.

23rd Aug 2010, 15:02
Beach at RAF Akrotiri. Me to 4-yr old watching a Herc on the approach. "Is that your Daddy's aeroplane?
Kid: "No, he's on Vulcans".

Kick sand on his ice cream, go for a swim.:)