PDA

View Full Version : Wimpman and Cookingwoman


Davaar
17th Aug 2010, 11:28
Used to be that the insomniac TV watcher could rely on several channels of ads for hairpieces to conceal the ravages of male-pattern baldness and machines for the cultivation of abs. One is pretty-well Okay for hair and has never had an ab nor grieved the lack, so one found it all a tad wearisome as one awaited 0400 and the arrival of Roy, Gabby, Trigger, the Dim Heroine and the Cowboy massed choir. Still, it was bearable.

Of late there is a new scourge of Wimpman and Cookingwoman. Cookingwoman is equipped with a sort of hot electric frying-pan that has an equally hot lid that folds down on the lower level.

She switches on the lower level and on it puts a slice of white, or maybe rye, or multigrain or even a hamburger bun, all to the accompaniment of a line of patter in Cookingwomanspeak: "E-und naow I'll jes' put de-own a slice of white, or maybe rye, or multigrain or even a hamburger bun on the lower level".

Overcome by the revelation of basic toast-making, Wimpman reacts: "Wow!"

Cookingwoman adds a slice of prosciutto or maybe two and says in Cookingwomanspeak: "E-und naow I'll jes' add a slice of prosciutto or maybe two". Wimpman is overwhelmed. He remains silent, stunned by these events.

Cookingwoman adds a slice of onion and maybe a red pepper or perhaps two, to the libretto in Cookingwomanspeak: "E-und naow I'll jes' add a slice of onion and maybe a red pepper or perhaps two". Wimpman wakes again to contribute Man's part: "Wow!".

Cookingwoman broods, as God might have brooded on Day Four. Creation, she can see, is good but not yet perfect.

Cookingwoman takes a squirter and squirts some sort of sauce on top of the heap, saying in Cookingwomanspeak: "E-und naow I'll jes' take a squirter and squirt some sort of sauce on top of the heap".

At this Wimpman gives voice: "Wow .............. and that's Italian!". Grateful for the cue, Cookingwoman rejoins: "Ah'm tell'n ya!"

There remains but one more initiative to be taken, and Cookingwoman is the very person to take it. She lowers the lid on top of the heap. Now you are puzzled by his, as she can see all too clearly: Why has she lowered the lid? Huh?

She is not one to leave you unassisted, so she breaks again into Cookingwomanspeak: "In fah-ive me-uhnites we'll heh-uve a toasted finito benito contralto soprano [or something like that; I'll have to watch it again for the fine points of Italian]"

Fast forward now for the 5 mins and Wimpman has his Big Moment. Cookingwoman raises the lid and hands the finito benito contralto soprano to Wimpman. He takes a bite. His script is simple: "Wow! Mmmmmmm! That's good!"

One has seen the entire sequence, a paid advertisement, as they explicitly confess, as though it could ever be a spontaneous exchange between two sentient humans,twice this past night.

Is it possible that some day Wimpman will say: "For G*d's sake, Woman! I know how to make toast. Will you just belt up, make the damned thing and put it on a plate?"

Or would that be politically incorrect? Surely not.

Huh?

RJM
17th Aug 2010, 12:14
No. It wouldn't.





I don't like all the close ups of people munching, and I don't like all the sloppy finger licking that goes on. I blame that woman, the one with the... Nigella.

tony draper
17th Aug 2010, 12:39
Toasted sarnie makers are a ritual object,they are used once to activate the mojo then wrapped in a plastic bag by the lady of the house and placed reverently in the bottom of the Kitchen cupboard never to see the light of day again again but to stand sentinal against evil spirits that may invade the cooking facilities.
I know this to be true.
:)

603DX
17th Aug 2010, 13:42
As Emile said to Charles, "There's nothing new under the sun, mon ami". Long before the sagas of Wimpman and Cookingwoman, the BBC essayed to educate the British palate with the culinary displays of Fanny Cradock and her Johnny. They shared the glorious black-and-white TV screen time with luminaries such as Muffin the Mule, and at times it was difficult to tell one from t'other.

Her "upper crust" act bordered on farce at times,especially as she aged and plastered on yet more makeup, and became a caricature of herself. Others in the TV field later made much of her eccentricities, until in the mid "noughties" two biopics were aired, titled "Fear of Fanny" and "Doughnuts Like Fanny's". It was hard to keep a straight face when viewing both of these, indeed their titles alone were a good starting point in the chuckle-stakes ....

tony draper
17th Aug 2010, 13:50
Fanny was indeed a formidable lady, apparently even that odious Simpson woman was terrified of her.
:)

angels
17th Aug 2010, 13:51
I've said it before Mr Davaar, and I'm saying it again.

"You've got a tongue purdier than a twenny dollar whoore." (Copyright Slim Pickens in Blazing Saddles.)

Did any of your clients ever lose? :}

vulcanised
17th Aug 2010, 15:36
Anyone else initially read 'Wingman and Cookingwoman'?

Krystal n chips
17th Aug 2010, 16:39
Fanny was indeed a case in point....however..she has well and truly been replaced by those precious,pious pillocks who preside over Masterchef..if ever there were a pair who should be introduced to the descent rate of a skillet destined for their gobs at a rate of knots...it's those two.....arrogant, conceited and generally full of themselves.....and what, exactly, is their supposed claim to fame that makes them so critical of others, yet so ( to their own perception ) perfect in every way......:yuk:

G-CPTN
17th Aug 2010, 18:03
Philip Harben (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Harben).
He compered a BBC wireless cooking programme from 1942.

tony draper
17th Aug 2010, 18:05
Had they had the Television in 1914 we have now they would have probably formed a TV Cooks Brigade.
:)

Tankertrashnav
17th Aug 2010, 18:12
Toasted sarnie makers are a ritual object,they are used once to activate the mojo then wrapped in a plastic bag by the lady of the house and placed reverently in the bottom of the Kitchen cupboard never to see the light of day again again but to stand sentinal against evil spirits that may invade the cooking facilities.
I know this to be true.

I can concur, TD, we have had no trouble whatsoever with evil spirits since our sandwich toaster moved in under the sink!

ricardian
17th Aug 2010, 20:15
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Harben)Philip Harben (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Harben).
Quote:
He compered a BBC wireless cooking programme from 1942.
In 1957 Mrs Ricardian bought Philip Harben's "Cookery Encyclopaedia" from Nabar's book stall at RAF Negombo. The book (now somewhat tattered) is still in regular use. My favourite phrases from the book are in the lengthy entry for "American food": "Americans are not regarded, even by themselves, as connoisseurs of fine food."
"...it is undisputed that the Americans are the best judges of and makers of coffee in the world but tea they cannot make, and they are the first to admit it."

G-CPTN
17th Aug 2010, 20:19
Whatever happened to compères?

You never hear presenters referred-to by that nowadays . . .

tony draper
17th Aug 2010, 20:33
One installed a satellite cable system in some tower blocks,each flat had a service cuboard outside in the corridor where all pipes and cables lived,we had to drill a hole at the back of this riser into the back of the kitchen cupboards and take the cable through said kitchen into the living room.
The Council had of course informed the residents and requested they empty the bottom of these cupboards so we could get our cable through.
Few had complied so it was quicker for us to do it for them,time was money to us cable blokes,that is how I know every single kitchen in the land has a toasted sandwich maker wrapped in a plastic bag in the bottom of the kitchen cupboard.
Lady hovering as we remove pots pans plastic stork margarine boxes and such
"Ah me toasted sarnie maker I forgot I had that"
:rolleyes:

Sir George Cayley
17th Aug 2010, 21:39
I always hoped my doghnuts would turn out lookin' like Fannies :eek:

SGC

Sorry Jonnie:ok:

tony draper
17th Aug 2010, 21:46
Remember the F word means different things either side of the Atlantic Sir G.:rolleyes:

pigboat
17th Aug 2010, 21:50
Davaar, I was subjected to the Gallic version of Wimpman and Cookingwoman just the other day. Not at - Heaven forbid - 04:00 but 11:30-ish. I had gone to the local Sears catalogue office to pick up a package, only to find that, for reasons known only to themselves they had delivered to a town called St. Felicien, 400 miles away. Two walls of the catalogue office were festooned with flat-screen TV's, some small enought to be shoplifted by un petit gars, others large enough to require deux gros hommes. All were tuned to the same channel, where WM and CW were preparing toasted treats with the folding sandwich thingy. CW would add "un soupcon de ceci" and "une tranche de cela" while WM's only visible activity seemed to be to utter "Oo la-la" at appropriate intervals. My affaire chez Sears was completed before the show ended, so I never did see the tasty treat being unmolded and presented, but I'll wager it was greeted with a chorus of "Oo la-la's."

Cheerio
17th Aug 2010, 22:09
Nicely put Davaar. I 'laughed out loud' as is the modern way, yet was too chicken to show Mrs C what I was laughing at.