Blessed are the cheese makers!

[Flying_Padre]

let's here it for manufacters of ALL dairy products!!!

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

For they shall inhibit their girth!! :p

[Low and Slow]

She turned me into a newt......... I got better

:)

[Thud_and_Blunder]

We're all individuals!

....I'm not!

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/angel.gif

[Man-on-the-fence]

Are you the Judean Peoples Front?

[BEagle]

Precisely how runny is your Brie??

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

F@ck off!! We're the People's Front of Judea.......Judean People's Front - SPLITTERS!! :)

[Harry Peacock]

I wish to register a complaint.....! :cool:

[uncle peter]

well i lived int shoe box in middle of road, got up half an hour before a went to bed an had to lick road clean

[X-QUORK]

"ROMANS TO HOME GO ?!! Have we forgotton to use the dative Sonny ?" :D

[Descend to What Height?!?]

But how should we *%!? OFF Master????? :D

[uncle peter]

Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says... It is NOT!

[Scorpius]

Are there any women here?

[Brunel]

Nobody is to come into the room, even if you come and get him.

No, no I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave.

Who?

The Prince!

Oh! I thought you meant him. That would have been funny, me guarding him when he's a guard.

Clear?

Quite clear.

......where are you going?

We're coming with you! :D

[Low and Slow]

He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

[Descend to What Height?!?]

But we havn't had time to hide yet.......


But Where is the popular front?
Oh him, he is over there! :) :) :) :)

[Vortex_Generator]

Better................Better get a bucket!

[Talking Radalt]

And we demand......A SHRUBBERY!

[Dimmer Switch]

What about viaducts?

[N Genfire]

You lucky, lucky, basta5d

[ol_benkenobi]

What have the Romans ever given us?

[N Genfire]

And the count shall be 3, not 4, nor 2 but shall commence at the original digit of 1................................

[ADIS5000]

Oh go on then,

***k me.. it's Mr Creosote!

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

NI !!!

[Brian Dixon]

I'm Brian and so's my wife!

[Albert on Tour]

I thought we were an autonomous collective

[Gash Handlin]

Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

[tu chan go]

One day, son, all this will be your's.

What, the curtains?

[Smoketoomuch]

I've told you once!

[BEagle]

Nudge nudge, wink, wink - SAY NO MORE!!

[N Genfire]

You cant fool me, I happen to know this is the Lupin express, and im a bloody good shot you know.........................

[antisthenes]

Where’s the foetus gonna gestate ?
Are you gonna keep it in a box?

[Gash Handlin]

Is it a stockbroker?

Is it a Quantity Surveyor?

Is it a Church Warden?

NO! it's... BICYCLE REPAIR MAN!

[ 19 July 2001: Message edited by: Gash Handlin ]

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

All I said was this bit of Halibut was good enough for Jehova....

You're only making it worse for yourself!!

[goldcup]

Nooooooo one expects the Spanish Inquisition.....

[Flying_Padre]

Our first hymn - The meaning of life :)

Why are we here? What's life all about? Is God really real, or is there some doubt? Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out, for, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'.

What's the point of all this hoax? Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks?
Or, perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes. Well, ça c'est le 'Meaning of Life'.

Is life just a game where we make up the rules while we're searching for something to say, or are we just simply spiralling coils
of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

In this 'life', what is our fate? Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate? Is mankind evolving, or is it too late? Well, tonight, here's 'The Meaning of Life'.

For millions, this 'life' is a sad vale of tears, sitting 'round with really nothing to say while the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

So, just why-- why are we here, and just what-- what-- what-- what do we fear?
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear, for this is 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie. This is 'The Meaning of Life'.

:) :) :)

[fobotcso]

http://www.froggt.freeserve.co.uk/sounds/hovrcrft.wav
http://www.froggt.freeserve.co.uk/sounds/repress.wav

http://www.froggt.freeserve.co.uk/sounds/cheese.wav

[ 19 July 2001: Message edited by: fobotcso ]

[The Chicken]

Oi! Padre, outside! :mad:

[Vortex_Generator]

I never wanted to do this. I always wanted to be......................
A LUMBERJACK!

[kbf1]

I'm Arthur, King of the Britons!

King of the who........? :confused:

Well I never voted for ya!

[Strobin' Purple]

Supreme Executive power derives from a mandate of the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
You can't call yourself King just 'cos some watery tart threw a sword at you! :)

[eammon]

Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thy count two, excepting that thou thenst proceed to three. Five is RIGHT OUT!!

[murphy]

Crucifixion?

Yes!

Line on the left, one cross each!
Crucifixion?

Er, No. They said I hadn't done anything wrong, so I could go away and live on an Island somewhere!

Oh, Well...Off you go!!

Only kidding, it's crucifixion really!!!

Yours

Murph x x x :D :D

[MyFriendFred]

Your father was a hamster, and your mother smelt of Elderberries!!!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!!!!!
You stupid English Kinigit!!!

Top thread

[N Genfire]

you 'ave no 'orse. zey are coconuts

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

What is your name, Jew?

Brian, sir

Bwian,eh

No, no, Brian!

Stwike him centuwion, woughly!!!

[FJJP]

Oh! And fwow him to the floor, Sir?

:rolleyes:

[lightbob]

It's the King.

How can you tell.

He's not covered in s@&t like the rest of us.

[Man-on-the-fence]

What is the unladen flying weight of a Swallow???

[cheese]

African or European

[glider insider]

This parrot is dead.

[FODA]

We're from the organ donors society; can we have your kidney? :p

[Max Brakin]

Watch out here's comes the CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE ! :eek: :eek:

[Sugar_Junkie]

What, is your favourite colour?

Blue......NO, GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

:)

[Man-on-the-fence]

I am a Shrubber

My name is Roger

You can call me Roger the Shrubber

[X-QUORK]

"Pway tell, does something amuse you Centuwion......when I mention my fwiend Biggus...Dickus ? Or for that matter, his wife......Incontinentia...Incontinentia Buttocks..SILENCE !! SILENCE !! Stop this wowdy wabble laughter !!!" ;)

[ 20 July 2001: Message edited by: X-QUORK ]

[ol_benkenobi]

"Stwike him Centuwion"! :D

[John Eacott]

It's not dead, it's just resting

[Low and Slow]

NAH POOFTERS !!

[Man-on-the-fence]

Witness the scene
Capt PPRuNe enters a small village pub

Cut away to two Peasants sitting by the fire

Peasant: Who's that
Peasant2: Dunno, must be a King
Peasant: Why?
Peasant2: Not got **** all over him

[sprucemoose]

How shall we *!@? off, oh lord?

Neeee!

[fobotcso]

That's "A rather odd pet" (anag.)

[fobotcso]

http://www.joecrow.com/deadpa.wav

[X-QUORK]

Oh go on Sir ! Just one waaaafer thin mint ! ;)

[Descend to What Height?!?]

Comback here you coward, and I'll bite your legs off!

Brilliant Keep this thread going!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[sprucemoose]

How about your spleen, then?

[Dimmer Switch]

Do you have anything without Spam?

[murphy]

1) THERE HE IS!!!!

What, behind the rabbit?

He is the RABBIT!!!

You stupid scots git!!


2) You're only making it worse!!!

Making it worse? how could it be worse......Jehovah, Jehovah!!!!!

Right, nobody is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Not even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, not even if they do say JEHOVAH! AAAAH!!!

Yours

Murph x x x

[ 20 July 2001: Message edited by: murphy ]

[ 20 July 2001: Message edited by: murphy ]

[sprucemoose]

Are there any women here?

Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?

Shut up big nose!

[Flying_Padre]

And for our second hymn :) Every Sperm is Sacred.........

There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood!

Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
God needs everybody's.
Mine! And mine! And mine!

Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

:D :D :D

[Brian Dixon]

Albatross.............ALBATROSS!!

Top thread!

:D

[Norman Goering]

Whom shall I welease?

Roger!

Who is this Woger of whom you speak?

He's a wobber! And a wapist!

Wight, that's it! No more Woger the wapist or Wudolph the wed nosed weindeer...

Stand aside, I shall deal with thith rabble. We have Thimon the Thaducee Thtrangler,...

OR

Blessed are the Greek, what's so special about them?

No, it's the meak. That's nice, they never get much!

OR

OF COURSE it brings forth juniper berries, it's a juniper berry tree!

OR

I was blind and now I can seeeeeee, aaargh!

OR

Where are you two from, nose city?!

Keep 'em rolling!

[Gash Handlin]

[VERSE 1]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.

[CHORUS 1]
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.

[VERSE 2]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

[CHORUS 2]
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

[VERSE 3]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.

I like traffic lights,
...oh God...


Why didn't someone think of this before

[The Egg]

Flying Padre,

"Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood"

I'll go along with that!

[kbf1]

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/mica/wormsaw.gif

[ 20 July 2001: Message edited by: kbf1 ]

[Max Brakin]

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit your's and tell you that I love you tooo
Life would fine
If we both 69
so sit on my face
Sit on my face........ :eek: :eek: :eek: :D

[Dan Winterland]

"I wish to register a complaint!"

[Roland Pulfrew]

We are the Knights who say 'Nee'

[Man-on-the-fence]

Three is the number that shall be counted
And the number though shalt count is three

[ol_benkenobi]

Spare a Dinari for a poor old ex-lepper!

[Detrimento Sumus]

Ball or aerosol

.....Neither I want it for my armpits.
:D

[kbf1]

I am the Firestarter, teewisted Firestarter

[Skycop]

Do you get wafers with it?

[Max R8]

Spam, spam, spam ,spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, bake beans and spam.

[Skycop]

DINSDALE!

[bad livin']

".....we've got lumpsss of it rrround the back...."

[misterploppy]

Flying Padre - science strikes back:

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour.
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
The sun that is the source of all our power.
Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars;
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;
It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.
We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,
We go 'round every two hundred million years;
And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! :confused:


http://www.montypython.net/cgi-bin/dl/full.cgi?galaxy.wav (http://www.montypython.net/cgi-bin/dl/full.cgi?galaxy.wav)

[ 21 July 2001: Message edited by: misterploppy ]

[BEagle]

<<Ve make a little hike through Bideford!>>

"Oi don't loike the sound of these 'ere boncentration bamps!"

"I gave him my baby to kiss - and he bit it in the head!"

<<Ja - not much fun in Stalingrad!>>

"Mr Hilter, there's a Mr McGoering from the Square and Compasses on the phone who says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour!"

<<IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN, IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME!!>>

[ 21 July 2001: Message edited by: BEagle ]

[Flypro]

I'm sure I paid for a 10 minute argument.

No you didn't.......

.............................................
Finge et Fuge (Bodge it and scarper)

[15/15 flex]

Came along and CURED me, so he did.....not so much as a by your leave...

:D :D

[VTSP]

It's bleedin' seabird flavour :D

[BEagle]

"Mr Verity! Show these 20 good people the dog kennels!"

"No - I want a mattress!"

CLANG..........."and did those feet, in ancient times...."


(Thanks to the limited BWoS-MLU behaviour of the 'new improved' software, this thread will, unfortunately, become closed in 9 posts time!)

[Man-on-the-fence]

"...walk upon Englands mountains green"

8 posts and counting

[John Eacott]

No you didn't

Yes I did

No you didn't

Yes I did

Right, time's up

[Flying_Padre]

The hymn for today.......take 2 :) :)

It's Christmas in Heaven.
All the children sing.
It's Christmas in Heaven.
Hark. Hark. Those church bells ring.

It's Christmas in Heaven.
The snow falls from the sky,
But it's nice and warm, and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven.
There's great films on TV:
'The Sound of Music' twice an hour
And 'Jaws' One, Two, and Three.

There's gifts for all the family.
There's toiletries and trains.
There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets
And the latest video games.

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

:D :D :D

[ 21 July 2001: Message edited by: Flying_Padre ]

[Captain Kirk]

E's not dead, e's restin' - bootiful ploomage the Norwegian Blue.

[Talking Radalt]

...and now Mr Terry Gilliam will sing for you "I've got two legs"....

[N Genfire]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable, heidegger heidegger was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table, david huuuuuuuuuume could out consuuuuuuuuuume schopen heim and schlegel, and rene decartes was a drunken f*rt who was just as schloshed as schlegel.................. nah poofters

[fobotcso]

Roight Flying Padre, repetition! Lose 5 points and miss a turn!

Bugger! Beware the editing Padre.

Therefore, I shall release Wodewick http://www.joecrow.com/wodewick.au

[ 22 July 2001: Message edited by: fobotcso ]

[Gash Handlin]

A spanking, a spanking.

Yes a Spanking.

And after the spanking... the oral sex!

[Captain Kirk]

There's nothin' Nietsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mills of his own free will,
on half a pint of cider was particularly ill,
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whisky every day,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle and Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart 'I drink therefore I am!'

There's nothin' Nietsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist,
Socrates himself is particularly missed - a lovely little thinker but a buggger when he's pissed!

:)

Is this right? It's been years since I heard it - feel free to edit it anyone!

[ 22 July 2001: Message edited by: Captain Kirk ]

[kbf1]

This is my Beer
There are many like it, but this one is mine
My Beer is my best friend
I must master it as I must master my life
Mithout me my Beer is useless
Without my Beer, I am useless
I must shotgun my Beer true
I must drink faster than my enemy,
who is trying to outdrink me
I must outdrink him before he outdrinks me
I will!
Before God, I swear this creed
My Beer and myself are defenders of my Sqn
We are the masters of our enemy
We are the saviours of my life
So be it!
Until there is no Beer
But peace, Amen

[Stray Fin]

oohhhhh....
Goat's done bundle

[Captain Kirk]

And remember, this term I don't want to catch anybody....


...NOT drinking!

[Brian Dixon]

Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop Poontang Poontang Ole Biscuit-Barrel...

Silly Party

12,441.

[Rusty Cessna]

Help help I'm being repressed!

[PlasticCabDriver]

Its a Mr Death, he's come about the reaping!

[Captain Kirk]

RIGHT - STOP THIS!

IT'S TOO SILLY!!!

[uncle peter]

No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's?

[Stray Fin]

and now....the larch

[Gainesy]

It don't so much fly...as plummet.

[augustus]

Why do you want to be called Loretta Stan?

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

Well Mrs Whoopdiddely Mangrove .... you've got a very unusual name!

Yes - it's Simon

[oldpinger]

I would like to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very Boutique...

The er Norwegian Blue, what's er wrong with it?

IT'S DEAD! that's what wrong with it!

[PTT]

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/mica/grail.gif

[outrageous french accent]I told 'im we've already got one.[/outrageous french accent]

[RodneyTrotter]

"He has a wife you know.... do you know what she's called........" :D

[murphy]

He's, ee's, ee's, ee's, Dee, Dee, Dee' Deaf and Mm' Mm' Mm' Mad Sir!!

Yours

Murph x x x

[Harry Peacock]

My final offer Mrs Scum....
........A poke in the eye and a dagger in the clitoris. :eek: :eek: :eek:

[HEIGHTSGOODBACK5]

"Have you met my pet fish Eric?"
"He's an Alibut you know!"
"Chosen from thousands"
"Didn't like tuthers all too flat"

[ 23 July 2001: Message edited by: HEIGHTSGOODBACK5 ]

[ 23 July 2001: Message edited by: HEIGHTSGOODBACK5 ]

[Flypro]

Is that THE 'Arthur-Two Sheds-Jackson'?
:)

[John Eacott]

(kick)

And that's for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years......

[Descend to What Height?!?]

Always look on the bright side of life......
:p :p :p

[The Scarlet Pimpernel]

....and this is the machine that goes "ping"

[Stray Fin]

Ahh, did you say knives?
-Yes, rotating knives.
So.... you are in fact going to slaughter our residents.


You with your bleedin masonic handshakes....

[Albert on Tour]

...and what's more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

[Brian Dixon]

The Airline Pilots Sketch ------------------------- by John Cleese & Graham Chapman
Transcribed from the video: "John Cleese on How To Irritate People"
The Cast: Captain: John Cleese, First Officer: Graham Chapman, Steward: Michael Palin
(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit. The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly. They are obviously very bored.)

C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.
FO: Sky.
C: Mm-hm.
FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.
C: Cloud.
FO: Yeah. Oh God, I'm so bored.
C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game. I know what..
FO: What? (The Captain picks up a microphone.)
C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking. There is absolutely no cause for concern." That'll get them thinking. (The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)
C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in. They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm about? Are the wings on fire?' (over intercom) "The wings are not on fire." Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?' So we say... (The Steward enters.)
FO: Oh, how are we doing?
S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating; Looking a bit worried...
C: Good.
S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.
C: Is he there yet?
S: He's just closing the door... NOW!
C: One... Two... Three..
FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your seat-belts immediately."
S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers. I'll do the worried walk now. (He leaves.)
FO: Right. Safety regulations.
C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.
FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want to remind you of some of the safety regulations. In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..." (The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)
FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."
C: "Bzzzz" (They both laugh.)
C: Oh, that's got them rattled.
S: (enters) Great, great! (exit)
C: Hey, I've got an idea! "Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."
FO: No, they're on the racks.
C: Sh, shh, let them scrabble a bit. "I'm sorry, you will find them on the racks above your heads."
FO: Aaah!
S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvelous!
FO: Right. Gobbledygook.
C: Oh, yes.
FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."
S: (looks out) Marvelous, milling about, climbing over the seats.
FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back and release it..."
C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."
S: That got them back to their seats.
FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."
C: "but do not leave your seats."
FO: "Do not panic."
C: "Tea will now be served."
FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"
C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."
FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."
C: "Except for hand luggage..."
FO: "which you should sit on." (They are in fits of laughter.)
C: Now have a look.
S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out! (They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows. After a while the laughter dies away. There is a lengthy pause.)
C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble about this. (They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)

[fobotcso]

http://freespace.virgin.net/mike.spezzano/FASTSHOW/knickers.wav
http://freespace.virgin.net/mike.spezzano/FASTSHOW/verydrnk.wav

[Incipient Sinner]

That's right. I got three cheeks!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IT'S
:D

[Harry Peacock]

It's very tempting......

.......but No I still want the blow on the head! :p

[Stray Fin]

Ohhhhhhhhh you are so big.
We're all very impressed down here I can tell you.

[goldcup]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Carribean:

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong,
Its swell to have a stiffy,
Its divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick,
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
Thankyou very much.

[Incipient Sinner]

.....no it's not, a palindrome of BOLTON would be NOTLOB!! :confused:

[Suit]

I'm so worried about, the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

[N Genfire]

my theory, which is mine, is that diplodicus's are very thin at one end go thicker in the middle and are very thin at the other end................Thankyou

[RVR800]

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

[Seven of Nine]

Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency....and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...

[whohascontrol]

You don't have cheddar? But its the single most popular cheese in the world.

[Incipient Sinner]

Michael Baldwin, Bruce, Michael Baldwin, Bruce, Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

Is your name not Bruce, that's gonna' cause a little confusion!

[ 25 July 2001: Message edited by: Incipient Sinner ]

[Stray Fin]

Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than Marching Up and Down the Square?

[Arm out the window]

"I'm sorry, Squadron Leader, but I don't quite follow your banter."

[mkeane]

Wenslydale?

yes!

you have Wenslydale?

no, that's my name Mr Wenslydale,Charles Wenslydale
:D

[DB6]

We'll dee-vahd the worm!

(for Foghorn Leghorn devotees)

[BEagle]

He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Pay attention BEags - Low & Slow posted that on page one.

[fobotcso]

Enter Bluebottle (http://www.alphalink.com.au/~robertd/sounds/bottledr.wav)

Lets fly with catapult (http://www.alphalink.com.au/~robertd/sounds/spectacles.wav)

[BEagle]

NnT - Your wit stands out like a stream of bat's pi$$! A shaft of gold amidst the dark!

Was that one of yours, Whistler?

[The Mistress]

BEags I heard Nil use the stream of bat's piss line on a Wing Commander once. Pompous arse didn't like it much :D

I'll have the crunchy frog.

[BEagle]

TM - I can just imagine! Good job he didn't say "Sir - you are like a dose of the clap! At first it's pleasure, then it's just a pain in the dong!"

Crunchy Frog lovingly garnished with lark's vomit? Perhaps madam would prefer the Ram's Bladder Cup or the Spring Surprise?

[Nil nos tremefacit]

It's a bu**er this. TM switches on PPrune and doesn't change the log in from me to her, so I appear to be having a dig at BEags!


Anyway...

BEagle is like a cream doughnut with a cherry on top. It is a pleasure when we first see him and when he is gone we long for more! One of Wilde's. :cool:

[BEagle]

It $odding was not!

[Dimmer Switch]

"This is not a proper argument"

"Yes it is"

"No it's not" .....etc.!

[bluntie]

Bring out your dead!

[kbf1]

I come from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

[Taff Missed]

It's never a willow.

It doesn't matter! This is hold-up, not a botany lesson!

----------

If it ain't broke.....

[MightyGem]

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean??
;) ;) ;) ;)

[Checkyour6]

"Its not much of a cheese shop is it?"

"Well, its very clean sir"

"yes, its certainly uninfected with cheese!"


:D

[Harry Peacock]

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!!!! :cool:


---------------------------------------


Bravely Sir Robin ran away! :eek:

[Taff Missed]

How much did you pay for this?

Err, fifty quid and eight for the fruitbat.

What fruitbat?

Eric the fruitbat.

Are all your pets called 'Eric'?

There's nothing so odd about that, Kemel Attaturk had an entire menagerie called 'Abdul'.

[Gash Handlin]

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/mica/grail.gif

[Checkyour6]

"She turned me into a newt......I got better"

[ShyTorque]

Gash,

Ah will tell 'eem but ah don't think 'ee will be interrested. Ee's allreddy got wan you see".

---------

"The rabbit? I nearly soiled my armour you stupid Scots git!"

[oldpinger]

Kevin Phillips Bongggggggg- Slightly silly party- no votes....

[HEIGHTSGOODBACK5]

I have a theory,that is to say a theory that is mine. The Brontasaurus is thin at one end,much,much thicker in the middle and thin at the other end. That is my theory Micheal.


The Brontasaurus a theory by Miss Anne Elk

[Human Factor]

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

....... so if she weighs the same as a duck, therefore she must be a witch! :eek:

[YakYak]

Finladn Finland Finland
The coutry where I quite want to be
Pony Trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland Finland Finland
It's the country for me

Yes so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lot's of miles from Vietnam

Herzlich Freundliche Grueze von die Schweiz.

Tip to all pilots - should you ever consider going civvy at your 16/38 point, don't ever fly Saab 2000.

You never know who might be in cabin.....

Hugs,

Yakkity :rolleyes:

[Taff Missed]

Vee are planink a hike to Bideford.

Oh, you've got the wrong map! This is Stalingrad. You won't have much fun in Stalingrad.

Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.

(it loses something without the accent).

[TicketyBoo]

"I don't know how they manage it, Eight and Fourpence a pound. And him with a wooden leg!"

Mrs Yeti Goosecreature

[fobotcso]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and
chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had
herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

[RotorDompteur]

Australian Table Wines

A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a pity, as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palette, but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

'Black Stump Bordeaux' is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured Burgundy, whilst a good 'Sydney Syrup' can rank with any of the world's best sugary wines.

'Chateau Bleu', too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and its lingering afterburn.

'Old Smokey, 1968' has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Australian wino society thouroughly recommends a 1970 'Coq du Rod Laver', which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: 8 bottles of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is 'Perth Pink'. This is a bottle with a message in, and the message is BEWARE!. This is not a wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting wine is 'Melbourne Old-and-Yellow', which is particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of 'Chateau Chunder', which is an Appelachian controle, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans will also go for a 'Hobart Muddy', and a prize winning 'Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga', which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

[Vortex what...ouch!]

"I don't care how much they up-diddly-up-up they're still gits"

[Brave Sir Robin]

Do you want to hear about the little Goblin or not?!
Right.
See the little Goblin, see his little feet...

[Flying_Padre]

Ah Brave Sir Robin and the Three Headed Knight

Middle Head: He's buggered off

Right Head: So he has. He's scarpered

Minstral(singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away

Robin: No!

Minstral: Bravely ran away, away.

Robin: I didn't!

Minstral: When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled

Robin: No!

Minstral: Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about.

Robin: I didn't

Minstral: And gallently, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

Robin: I never did!

Minstral: He beat a very brave retreat,

Robin: All lies!

Minstral: Bravest of the brave , Sir Robin

Robin: I never!

:D :D :D :D

[Ivor Fynn]

:D

If he calls me BIG NOSE again I'll take him to the f :eek: :eek: king cleaners.

[Incipient Sinner]

:p :p Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.. :p :p

[FE Hoppy]

one has a garp in ones ooop does one.
oooh no more buttered scones for me mater i'm orff to play the grand piano.

[whohascontrol]

Now for something completely different...
A man with a tape recorder up his nose.

[Brian Dixon]

We used to live in t'shoebox in t'middle o' road, and when we got 'ome our dad would slice us in two wi' bread knife...........if we were lucky!

[Flipper.]

Every spem is sacred,
Every spem is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate. :eek:

[Mad Pax]

More beans Mr Taggart?

[BEagle]

The sauce is ver' rich and the hare is ver' high!!

[fobotcso]

Beans? Beans are not an Officer's vegetable!

[Per Ardua Ad Asda]

......well, it isn't meant to be taken literally - it obviously refers to any manufacturer of ... dairy products.

:D

--------------------
Through adversity to the Milk-Maid.

[Taff Missed]

I say, I say, I say.

Why didn't the helicopter eat it's crisps?

Because they were plane flavour. Boom, tish!

Thank you.

---------

You can blame my 8-year old son for that.

[dazedandconfused]

:mad: Whats your favourite colour?

:confused: Blue....no green! AAAGGGHHH!!!...

:D :D :D

[dazbo]

Brian. 'You are all individuals'


All but one. 'We are all individuals'

One. 'I'm not' :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :eek:

[Chox Away]

Anyone been to Bings Bollege, Bambridge?

:)

[Taff Missed]

What a silly bunt! :)

[Per Ardua Ad Asda]

"...Well? Did you find anythin' ?"
"Yessir! I found this... spoon, Sir!"

[snafu]

Of course they're juniper berries, it's a juniper bush! :D

[hillsie]

I hadn't muttered a single word until he came along!

[Chox Away]

So, you want to join the Secret Service do you.

Can you keep a secret?

:cool:

[dazedandconfused]

And now for something completely different... :eek:

Im a lumberjack and im ok.
I sleep all night and i work all day.

Hes a lumberjack and hes ok.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, i eat my lunch, i go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays i go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.

He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea.
Hes a lumberjack and hes ok.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, i skip and jump, i like to press wild flowers.
I put on womens clothing, and hang around in bars.

He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on womens clothing, and hangs around in bars?
Hes a lumberjack and hes ok.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, i wear high heels, suspenders and a bra.
I wish id been a girlie, just like my dear Papa.

He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, suspenders and a bra?
Whos this? Wants to be a girlie?
Oh my! I thought you were so rugged!
Poofter!

:D :D :D :D :D

[ 17 August 2001: Message edited by: Should that plane be there? ]

[FE Hoppy]

"Head back and Whaaaaar"
"stop hitting me"

[Echo Oscar]

I'm sure I made cheese at Primary School - grew water cress, too....

[denachtenmai]

You want to complain?
Look at these shoes, I've only had them three weeks and the sole's worn right through,and if you do complain nothing happens and when's there a nice day? and I'm sick and tired of this office.

[Per Ardua Ad Asda]

......having spent 3 hours on the tarmac at Luton Airport.... and you can't even get a beer 'cos you're still in England and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty....

Oi! Tony! What happened to the legislation revising opening hours then? :rolleyes:

[Adge Cutler]

Can't I have a little bit of peril?

[Stray Fin]

30 men killed in F section ... about a hundred - hundred and fifty men altogether, sir

- Jolly Good

I haven't got the final figures, sir, but there's a lot of seriously wounded...

- Yes, well the thing is sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the Officers has lost a leg.

[Duckegg]

i used to be in the ranks you know


Worst two days of my life..

[dazedandconfused]

Just had to make it 200 posts.

:p :rolleyes: :p :rolleyes: :p

[Harry Peacock]

You lucky lucky lucky Ba$£@&% !


Crucifiction.......It's a doddle!! :cool:

[Chox Away]

Crucifiction, a doddle?

Not if you're an underwater goat ! :p

[Ray Dar]

Wolf nipple chips, cheetahs ear lobes......Get 'em while there ot

[dazbo]

So its not a virus then

[FE Hoppy]

a tiger in Africa?

must of escaped from a zoo!

[dazbo]

We will take the foreplay as read Darling?

:p :cool: :eek: :confused: :D

[Jump Johnny Jump !]

But he's not dead!

Yes he is - look at him

[Per Ardua Ad Asda]

Weally Centurwian! I'm surpwised to hearwa man like you...... wattled, by a wabble of wowdy (ppwune) webels!


------------------
Thwough Difficultieth to the Gwotherwy Thtore

[Harry Peacock]

......an underwater goat with snorkle and aqualung....!!!!!

[Snoopy EGUS]

Government Information Films presents . . .

How NOT to be Seen

"Please stand up Mr Jones"

Mr Jones has learnt the first lesson in not being seen - not to stand up.

[JimNich]

They said I were mad to build a castle on a swamp.....

[PPRuNe Dispatcher]

Sorry folks, very long threads put a heavy load on the PPRuNe server so I'm going to close this one.

---Mik