Annual Assessments - Character Assassination Gems

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GEMS

It’s that time of year (for Sergeants anyway). Yes, annual character assassination time. Have you been damned by faint praise? Or perhaps you have shafted one of your own minions with a pearler.

I have a friend whose most obvious flaw is his heavy build, and has had every possible description short of being called a fat git.

For example

‘Thick-set’
‘Big-boned’
then we got a boss with a little more imagination
‘Will never grace a catwalk’
and then this year
‘Formidable, not to say, Falstaffian’

Unburden yourselves with your anonymous tales, and don’t be afraid to embellish & exaggerate. Remember, if you tell it three times, it becomes true.

[Whossat Forrus]

"This officer has all the qualities of an old family dog, except loyalty."

[Engineer]

Remember a office selection interview where the word rotund was the favorite Glad I don't have to write assessments any more

[cobaltfrog]

"This Officer sets himself low standards and continually fails to achieve them!!"

True honest Guv!!

Frogster

[BEagle]

Some pompous idiot - the sort who liked to use 'inter alia', 'germane to the issue', 'deep blue water' etc, once wrote that 'Bloggs is one of nature's bachelors' thinking that it meant 'Bloggs is a boozing, babe-chasing mate who has studiously avoided the marital ball-and-chain'.

Unfortunately, being only half-literate, what he didn't know was that the description was, in fact, a Victorian euphemism for 'Bloggs is a poof'!!!

[Ivchenko]

Famous, probably apocryphal, comment about a secretary

"Anybody who can get Jane to work for him is very fortunate indeed"

[This message has been edited by Ivchenko (edited 23 March 2001).]

[crabbbo]

The one I am most proud of was on a recent assassination of me:

An aviator first and a pilot second.

Just as well I don't want a career!

[Nil nos tremefacit]

'Nil nos is a short, plump officer who rarely looks smart in uniform' - written by a 6' 4" scribbly at OCC.

I'm 5' 8" and look very good in a gro-bag - honest!!! :) Only blunties can afford the time to press their uniform every day.

Same course we were handed a list of the comments taken from reports. The favourite, probably apocryphal, : "Bloggs is ruining the career of a very good police dog."

[Jackonicko]

This officer could go far - given service transport

His men would follow him anywhere - out of curiosity if nothing else

[Adastral]

"Flt Lt ~~~~~~ is of solid build and has dark thinning hair."

Rather a nice way of saying

"...is a small, fat, balding git!"

I thought!?!!

[Firestreak]

1. I would hesitate to breed from this officer.

2. I would follow this officer but only out of curiosity.

3. This officer will go through life pulling doors marked push.

[smooth approach]

"I fail to see why I should write on someone who I believe should not be in the Service"

"Flt Lt Bloggs is a hursuit young lady......"

"If Smith displayed the same flair and imagination at work as he does with his choice of neck tie........"

"Jones' Saddam Hussien style of brinksmanship........"

[L J R]

This Officer uses the P3 to transport his testicles to exitic locations. He utilises his allowances to pay for such endeavours.

I am led to believe that this actually made it to pen.... [it was not mine!]


Other 'Gems' that I have heard in rumour:


This officer pushes doors marked 'Pull'.

There is a village in England looking for its idiot. This Officer is that man.

This Officer is Tragic!

'Your wife should attend more functions'.

The lad's reply to this debrief item was 'My wife will be in tomorrow for her OER debrief sir.'

[QUIFFI]

"Clothes do not hang well on this Officer"
"This Officer would look scruffy in the nude"
Still - he's made it to spec aircrew Sqn Ldr!

[Double Asymmetric]

"If this officer's leadership style was any more laid-back, he would be lying down."

...yep, it was mine.


http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

[Audax]

This officer has some good and original thoughts; the good are not original and the original are not good.

From an end of course report at Chivenor:-
"This officer is the sort of person I would expect to see pushing his wife's shopping trolley around Tescos on a Saturday"

[Reichman]

In last year's ACR I was described as "...an enigma".

Ain't that a bit racist?

[BEagle]

One chum (Don T - went to Bumrods) was described by his ex-Transport Command total to$$er Flt Cdr at Cranwell as having 'Unofficer-like bone structure'!!

[D-IFF_ident]

From my 3rd RO last year:

'Good to see that Bloggs has not only flown more hours and spent more time on detachments than anyone else on the Sqn, but has also managed to complete ISS and OCC during this reporting period. Perhaps now he can start to concentrate on his primary duties...'

And what would they be, exactly?

You know who you are!
(And probably know who I am now, too - D'Oh!)

[kbf1]

"Bloggs does not so much as walk on water, merely pass it!"

------------------
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic HERD!

[FJJP]

BEagle, Don is now in Oman. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

[Flintstone]

Taking over.

If I may just hijack this thread and lob in a civilian one?

A few years ago when leaving a job to head overseas I was given a written 'to whom it may concern' type reference. Buried in the third para was the phrase "During his time with the company Flintstone carried out his duties entirely to his satisfaction....".

I was dead chuffed.

Handing over.....

[JimNich]

...of a workmate on 120:

"Sgt ****** would have short brown hair if it wasn't for the fact he is balding".

[RubiC Cube]

A selection of what, I am assured, are true quotes:

SAC ***** is a cheerful young man with a pleasant smile and a cooperative manner. At this point his good qualities cease.

Chf Tech ***** is a dedicated fisherman and has the temperament that goes with most of those characters who find a night on a windswept beach a stimulating experience.

His financial problems seem to stem from the fact that he was once a prolific sower of wild oats. He is now finding the harvesting fees rather expensive.

In spite of the fact that his records show to the contrary, he displays no signs of having ever attended an officers’ training school.

When this officer’s IQ reaches 59, he should sell!

The moment of truth for him, however, is in the air, where he becomes alive to his low standards and is rightly frightened by them… and he presumably depends on divine justice to make a pilot of him.

He is very much like a puppy which wants to be loved but only succeeds in upsetting dishes and ruining the furniture.

[BEagle]

'This Air Engineer is invariably smartly turned-out and can be relied upon always to appear on time at pre-flight briefings. But rarely on any other occasion!'

You know who you are......

[exrotarybooty]

"Whoever passed this young officer for duty must have had diarrhoea"

"If wit was gunpowder this Corporal wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off."

"When this man was born they should have kept the after-birth, and thrown him away."

[AllTrimDoubt]

Was once blessed with the immortal opening comment post a most "social" junior officer staff course:

"There are two ways to approach this course; ***** has found a third!"

Oh well, more time in the air and less sniffing stationery as a result!!

------------------
Just Lookout and Fly Accurately Bloggs!

[This message has been edited by AllTrimDoubt (edited 25 March 2001).]

[cyclic]

Sgt ****** is a rough diamond with a rolling gait!

(think he flies for Virgin now)

[stiknruda]

Bloggs is currently a potential officer, I see no reason for that to change.

Stik

[junglejim]

"The type of leader whose men would willingly follow into battle....primarily to ensure he got there".

[BEagle]

When this pilot says he has control, he lies!

[MrBernoulli]

Dan Winterland was once described in an ACR as a ".......slightly rumpled young officer...."

[StopStart]

"It would be fair to say that SS is a funny man. Indeed, he has the wit and comic timing that any stand-up comedian would be proud of. Unfortunately, being a comedian doesn't necessarily make one a good co-pilot..."
http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/clownicon.gif
Thanks for that Boss.
:)
And, once again, now you know who I am....

[ExMPA]

At one time RN officers were permitted to petition the Board of Admiralty regarding promotion. It is reported that that one officer wrote:

"In every promotion list there is one officer of whom all know him remark " How on earth did he make it!" Your Lordships, I should like to be that officer"

[Forque de Tung]

Readers of this thread are commended to "In Confidence", a tri-Service guide to staff reporting by Cdr Rick Jolly. Some 600 collected ACR comments, available from Maritime Books, Liskeard PL14 4EL, tel 01579 343663 for £9.95. All royalties to the South Atlantic Medal Association - I have no connection, other than admiration.
Random sample:
The Base Supply Officer is ably supported by his wife who is a great exponent of the appealing art of decolletage.
The Chief Clerk is the sort of man who, if he murdered his parents, would ask for mercy oin the grounds that he had recently become an orphan.
A suitable motto for this young lady officer's behaviour would be - "to err is human but it feels divine ..."

[DP Harvey]

"As long as Bloggs remains in the Service, a village somewhere is deprived of its idiot"

"Bloggs presents a challenge to any commander"

[goldcup]

Unsuccesful FHT debrief:

By starting the engine, goldcup started in motion a sequence of events over which he had no control....

[Davaar]

"He is the safest pilot I know: always five minutes behind the aircraft".

[MikeTells]

A few years ago, my first reporting officer, who was new to the game, left a note in my mail slot asking me to write a pen picture of myself to save himself some time, and effort no doubt. I duly complied with: "Sgt ****** is a 6' stallion of a man whose physical prowess is only matched by his outstanding intellectual capabilities". To my surprise, everyone's amusement and my second reporting officer's fury, he put it in my annual report as it was but edited out the word stallion because it sounded "too horsey". I swear that this is true!

[Mowgli]

"When this officer was born, they threw the best bit away"

"Bloggs is depriving a village of its idiot"

"To say that Bloggs' (a Flt Lt) would make a good Corporal, is insulting to the NCO cadre."

"--- has the enthusiasm and boundless energy of a puppy dog, which is unfortunate considering the serious nature of his post."

[Mowgli]

Not an ACR, but a student tactical training sortie at Chiv:

"Overall, if the world was a mars bar, Bloggs would have been on the right planet"

and another:

"This sortie often shows the limits of a student's capacity. If that was the only aim, it would have been a pass"

[exrotarybooty]

Forque de Tung

I've had a copy of Rick Jolly's 'In Confidence' for some years now and it still has me falling about laughing every time I read it. (He also wrote 'The Red and Green Life Machine', the story of the Ajax Bay field hospital he ran during the Falklands war.)
More examples:

Corporal N is a model Royal Marine. Unfortunately he is not a working model.

One suspects there are a couple of cogs missing from the Adjutant's intellectual gearbox.

If a mosquito bit my Marine Engineer Officer it would probably die of alcohol poisoning.

If ignorance really is bliss, then Officer Cadet F is the world's happiest person.

It's a brilliant book from cover to cover.

[BALOO]

Many years ago, a Sqn chappie (who 'thought' he was good at everything - well liked etc) walked out from his 1369 ‘debrief’:

Sqn mate: “How was your debrief?”

Sqn Chappie: “Well, yes er…….yes, …..er….. OK …. er… yes! Quite good actually ….er….umm ………..What does ingratiating mean???

You can imagine the response from all those present !!!!

[smooth approach]

"Blogs has a full six-pack, he just lackes the plastic thingy that holds it all together."

[X-QUORK]

"Cpl B*****'s fitness level has fallen far below any reasonable standards, indeed, if he were a dog I would have him put down."

Any AAC frogsters from the late 80's should know whom this refers to.

[Sloppy Link]

From an AAC Form 3 following a six monthly check,
"I was impressed by this man's averageness"

Results of an AAC Pilot Selection Board had the final paragraph,
"Aged 27, and with his attitude, his potential for improvement is not good. The Board is well aware of the need for pilots, but is not prepared to lower standards to make up numbers. The decision is therefore final."
Joining instructions arrived about three months later.

[CaptainCrunch]

Not sure if ex-scaleyback civvies are welcome here but here goes:

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of a sense of morbid curiosity"

"This man would be out of his depth in a puddle"

"This man is now an officer emeritus. "E" because he's out and "meritus" because he f- deserved it!"

Yours aye,

Cap'n Crunch

[CaptainCrunch]

Oh, and while I'm smurfing around in here:

"This man sets himself low targets and has consistently failed to meet them"

and

"This man has reached the bottom and started to dig"

[Bus14]

2TWU 'stude' report at Lossie

'Flying Officer X is an inept, wet, sponge'

Flying Officer X subsequently achieved the best ever student bombing scores, got posted to the Harrier, flew the Lightning and Jaguar, and is now a TRE, and TRI(E)on the A320.

Sometimes these ascerbic comments are just the wake up call that is required to kick start a chap!

(for once it was accurate as well, my flying was cr@p that night)


------------------
Have fun, don't crash
Bus14

[navigator]

My last Air Sec's career interview some 26 years ago whilst still a starry eyed General List Flt.Lt.Lots of good scores on the left hand side of 1369, but a bit lacking on the other side apparently. Final assessment by interviewing Wg.Cdr.-There was a place for you in the RAF, but it was in 1943 on a Lancaster squadron, and most certainly resident in the sergeants mess. I was'nt sure whether I was being complimented or criticised, however I assumed the latter and joined the ranks of many unemployed pilots at the time. My obvious lack of OQ's was not a disadvantage in the civil world and I am still enjoying a rewarding flying career, so perhaps he did me a favour?

[The Full Monty]

From the RAAF -

"This officer should remember to keep his cap on in the presence of senior officers. It is in fact a pity that his father didn't keep HIS cap on 24 years ago..."

Or from the school master to the officers selection board -

"I'm afraid I can't recommend Bloggs to HM's armed services - in fact I'd feel safer if he were on the other side".

[droptank]

'Flt Lt ...... would make an outstanding prisoner of war because he escapes every night disguised as an officer'.

[Jed A1]

With his cavalier attitude and consistent lack of discipline I find it hard to recommend Bloggs for further pilot training. Sooner or later he will become a hillside statistic.

Bloggs now has a successful airline career.

[Jed A1]

This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts the better.

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

I would not breed from this Officer

[Ex-truck]

An old friend, going through flying training, told me about two successive entries in his 5000. The first read "Smith tends to breathe heavily during the final approach." The following day's entry read "Have joined Smith in breathing heavily during the final approach." Sadly, my friend failed the course and has since got his own back on pilots by being a navigator.

[yodason45]

Couple of things.

37'ish, ground tour, now 51(years,oops). Interviewed by Wg Cdr fm Innsworth re future. You're going nowhere and doing nothing. Food for thought.Thought I'd try teaching in three dimensions and got away with it. Still here or there in Notteetingham but soon to be back in Eetingham.

Then there was the one, at 37'ish, Captain Nimrod, interviewed by Wg Cdr fm Innsworth. Well Flt Lt ****** looks like your next job will have to be an instructional tour so we'll have to send you to CFS, quick tour on the Bulldog, and back here on the OCU. Without hesitation the interviewee agreed and the interview continued for a short while more.

At the conclusion of said interview, and just as said Flt Lt was going through the door he turned and said, "Perhaps I should point out, Sir, I am actually a Navigator!!!

PS BEagle: Give us a clue!

[wow400]

There is always the classic:
'Bloggs is aggressively sub-average in everything he does '
True...

wow

[Lou Scannon]

...and two from my days in the Service.

" This officer is not the sort of man to set the world on fire, but should he find it so he would be one of the first to put it out."

and, when on Varsity's:

Pilot Officer xxxxxx operates the throttles of the Varsity with the enthusiasm of a beserk Lascar seaman operating the bilge pumps of a sinking tea clipper, rounding Cape Horn, in a force nine gale."

------------------
Lou Scannon

[Jed A1]

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

[Lou Scannon]

One wet afternoon a bunch of us transport co-pilots managed to get the office safe open and sat around reading what people thought of us. One guy had invested months in growing, what he thought , was the right type covering for his upper lip not to mention buying the correct style of loud sports jacket. His reward?
"An over-confident clown with a theatrical moustache!"
I got away lightly with these comments from ITS.
"It is a continual source of amazement to XXXXXX and myself that he was ever accepted for pilot training in the RAF."

and, in reponse to my attempts to walk like an officer.
"An otherwise smart appearance is marred by a flat footed gait."

The moral of the story is clearly that one should only break into the safe in the company of one's fellows so that one doesn't feel isolated!

[Ed Winchester]

Phantom Av,

Tasteful.

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/mad.gif

[DP Harvey]

Phantom Av, this is a forum for military aircrew. You are neither military nor aircrew; now piss off.

[Spur Lash]

Keeping it light:

When this student pilot lifts his helicopter into the hover, he initiates a sequence of events over which he appears to have very little subsequent control.

(From In Confidence, by Rick Jolly)

[Flypro]

This man is outstanding in his field - which if he had one would be the safest place for him to be.

[Marine]

Had a reporting senior who was proud at being able to stay out of the Fleet Marine Force for almost six while years staying in the puzzle palace.

He joined us overseas and was not acclimated to the local situation. He had a rather stressful day where I basically took over just prior to the fitness report being written.

Part of my section "C" comments on the next fitness report:
________ is in great physical condition. Sets the highest standards for himself and others around him, especially his seniors. Physically intimidates seniors and does not play the political game well though he appears to command both USMC and other forces effortlessly. Not political enough for the USMC and should be kept away from any assignment requiring diplomacy."

[Samuel]

I would have thought, in the nicest possible way you understand, that any connection between Marine (as a group) and Diplomacy would be axiomatic!

[smooth approach]

"Smith wholeheartedly agrees that he is a sycophantic individual......."

[Tilt and Gain]

Another crewroom classic:

"This man is not fit to pilot a tethered balloon."

[Marine]

Samuel,

I actually took it as a compliment. I have had other reporting seniors look at it and all the comments were along the lines of "What a f**king p**sy".

An enlarged copy went up in the units casual bar (a BOQ room assigned to an imaginery officer) for all to see. It always caused great embarrassment to the reporting senior and usually free libations to myself when present. He became quite uncomfortable at the bar and ordered the report taken down, but unfortunately the rules have the two most junior Lt.s holding sway and it remained.

The same reporting senior didn't like the meals that were always appeared during official functions (dining in, dining out, mess night, etc.). Irresepective of what he ordered only a can Slim Fast would show up on his plate.

S/F, Marine

[BACK 5]

some years ago i was standing up straight in front of my sqn boss who told me,

" you have lots of outstanding qualities and if there was a war you would be exactly the sort of chap that we would need however, as it is, i cannot recommend your promotion to master aircrew and i'm issuing you with a formal warning"

didn't quite know how to take that at the time!!

[oldgit47]

Once received a ACR that said " arrogant, petulant and ambitious. Why am I not CAS?

[Zoom]

DP Harvey
The Pprune home page states that this forum is for 'the professionals who fly the non-civilian hardware'. Since only pilots actually fly the hardware, presumably you would like all the navs, flt engineers, loadies, etc to pi$$ off too. And, of course, us ex-pilots.

[Jed A1]

He has the wisdom of youth and energy of old age.

This Officer is really not so much of a has been but more of a definately won't be.

[Hoist-to-Crew]

Just keeping it at the top.

[PaulDeGearup]

The first entry in the 5000 of a Gulf hero -
"This man is more suited to being an ADC than a pilot"

[TqNrT4NgGreenlightCWP]

Comment during the pure handling phase of an AAC Observer Course, to the student who was Royal Engineer cap-badged...

QHI: "Bl@@dy hell, Cpl D*****, you're flying this thing like a digger driver"

Cpl D: "Funny you should say that sir - actually....."

[FJJP]

Just got my copy of Rick's book (via Amazon - 2 days order to receipt). A thumping good read, well worth getting.

:) :)

[AffirmBrest]

Said of a female UAS stude (I woz there):

***** has the co-ordination of an epileptic spider in a bath

[PaulDeGearup]

Of a female UAS stude
" This woman will never make a pilot so long as I have a hole in my ass"

I once was a member of a Cpl to Sgt promotion board, scary that they let aircrew in on this, and a couple of the comments I recall from 6442s were:

" Cpl XXX is the Gunner Sugden of the propulsion trade" and

" Cpl YYY is very popular on the shift, particularly when he brings in the fairy cakes he bakes at home "

[Mystic Greg]

An (undebriefed) 2RO F1369 narrative started as follows: "On first meeting, Flt Lt NNNN inspires little confidence in his abilities: a retiring individual, he is somewhat lacking in impact and is not a particularly commanding or dynamic leader." The subject is now a sqn ldr!

[Four Seven Eleven]

"Bloggs exudes a level of confidence rarely matched by competence."

------------------
Regards
4711

"The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking." — Jonathon Swift

[Roger D'Erassoff]

“Fg Off xxxxx has the knack of making strangers immediately…………
if you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one………
he would argue with a signpost”

“Cpl yyyyyy has a photographic memory, only with the lens cover left on………
the gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming…………
if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change………..
some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled…………
the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

Roger D


[This message has been edited by Roger D'Erassoff (edited 22 April 2001).]

[Jed A1]

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

[BOING]

On a more humerous note.

Our USAF exchange officer asked the CO to "brighten up" his annual report on the basis that the USAF was more easy going than the RAF as far as reporting was concerned. The argument was that if the CO turned out a normal understated RAF annual report it would not look good when interpreted by a USAF review board.

Said exchange officer received his report full of praise for his performance on the squadron. We then found out that when he went in front of the USAF review board he warned them that they should "brighten up" the report since, as they knew, the RAF reports were pretty understated.

Good move Dick!

[Albert on Tour]

I had a 'First Reporting Officer' who managed to congratulate himself on my assessments.

'...blah blah (minor criticism)...but has responded to counselling'

Thus, he pointed out his management skill to the Second Reporting Officer..on my flippin assessments!

[Tonkenna]

From some years ago on my 1369

Fg Off Tonkenna would be more suited to a 60's commune than the RAF.

Sometimes whish I had taken the advice!

Tonks :)

[Legalapproach]

1. "I have seen this officer sober."

2. "He is the squadron organiser and Taxi driver"

[ORANGEWHIP]

Albert on Tour

Believe it or not, 'responds well to criticism' is one of attribute examples given in the instruction book. Think yourself lucky, the SH equivalent is 'stupid but saveable!' Maybe your 1st RO was just being polite.

[Dan Winterland]

Tonkenna - which makes you idaelly suited to be a UAS QFI!

Many years ago, my Flight Commander at FTS was trying to break the news to me that I was not going to be a fast jet pilot. He said,

"You can either be a trucky, or a smoking hole in a hillside in Wales".

Not that I had a choice.

[John Eacott]

In the spirit of the thread, but with no claims to authenticity (or duplication from previous posts) these were e mailed to me last week:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"A gross ignoramus. . .144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

[Poison Arrow]

Following a BFT sortie:

'Bloggs has as much SA as a worm in a tumble drier'.
Bloody creamies. Thanx Steve.

[oldpinger]

Direct quote from Army Course report (not recent)
"This Man is Mentally retarded"

Little bit harsh I feel!

Another old navy chestnut-

"This man uses the Royal Navy to transport his genitals from one place to another"

[Legalapproach]

Once said about a client but applicable to many:
"On the evolutionary scale this man is vying with the frogs for supremacy in the swamp"

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

This airman's attitude to the fitness test is purely theoretical.

[BEagle]

Good on that airman! The RAFFT is an utter piece of ar$e for aircrew who have annual PMEs.

Anyway - I like the comment: "To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"

[exrotarybooty]

"This recruit came from the shallow end of the gene pool."

"He will go far, but most likely in the wrong direction."

[ShyTorque]

Of a Flying Officer pilot at Basic Flying Training School on Jet Provosts:

"By pressing the aircraft start button, F/O ******* sets in motion a sequence of events over which he has little control".

Of a trainee navigator:

"Quite frankly, I would rather have his weight in fuel".

:D

[The Lizard]

Lt XXXXXX is a tall officer, who stoops!

[supermunk]

"There are times when this officer is not sure whether he is this earth, or Fullers"

"If this officer had a brain cell he would probably be a vegetable"

[eammon]

"Lurch would be a psychologist's dream"

Needless to say 'Lurch' had never even been referred to as lurch before.

When interviewed about a report:

"We keep saying 'has potential' but if that doesn't start translating soon then I will just have to assume that you are actually crap"

Immediatelty prior to BHT at BFT a (slightly tense) colleague was informed (from his report):

"A first time pass will ensure xxxxx's continued presence on the course"

Fortunately he passed first time - and was then chopped!

[Cat.S]

"Trooper C. tries hard, but fails miserably."

[whohascontrol]

From a colleagues sortie report from:

Bloggs displayed the handling skills of a lorry driver and the airmanship of a u-boat commander

[Bob Zuruncle]

Plt Off Bloggs could be an Agricultural Pilot..... he flies like a farmer.

[Beeayeate]

This pilot should not be allowed to fly below 250 feet.

[pingerpuke]

"This Officer has much in common with CDS - they have both gone as far as they can in the Service."

[CDS]

:confused:

[bad livin']

Pingerpuke - can I ask you a few questions? Email's in my profile.

Rgds
BL

[Low and Slow]

An "authentic" circa 1923 report.

"I have littel good to say about this officer. His bearing and table manners suggest that he is not what he appears to be."

Phew... glad that wasn't my boss.! :)

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

Discussed in the crewroom but never put into print -

'It seems to be no coincidence that Flt Lt Watt's name is an anagram of tw@t'

[chippy63]

From the commercial world, "I feel that Bloggs' undoubted talents, whatever they may be, would be better deployed in a different sized bank. A much larger bank, a larger bank, a smaller bank or a much smaller bank, any of these would be suitable."

"Nature abhors a vacuum: in the case of Bloggs' cranial pan, however, she appears willing to make the odd exception."

[Bradders]

"The only way this officer will be outstanding in his field is if he becomes a scarecrow.":)

[Trg System Victim]

I have recently been through the mill and coming from industry it has been a most horrible experience. In industry I led large projects with responsibility for millions of pounds worth of orders.

Then I joined the RAF and regret it now with a vengence.

Never in my life have I ever experienced such negative reporting, morale damaging, demotivational assessments as I received while at Cranwell.

If this type of reporting happened to one of my charges in industry, I would have had a walk out. I think that for all the RAF says about its fantastic training, it still has a long way to go before it catches up with industry.

I may suggest the first change is to change the 'blame culture'. Reports that are balanced and actually say what goes well are far more constructive than an outright character assination!

[Broken Wings]

Bloggs is a well balanced officer, he has a chip on both shoulders.

[teeteringhead]

Trg System Victim

Got chopped then did we? This is supposed to be a humorous thread, perhaps your comments may be worth debate on a thread if its own. Seriously, I have not heard comments like yours much if at all before, despite having been involved closely with the training system on a number of occasions (and also, I should add, with the appraisal of civilians). You may get many other, more detailed views on a separate thread.

BTW, you ain't no kin to WEB Fan, are you??

[just noticed this is my 100th post on the new server - do I get a badge for my flying suit???]

[Beeayeate]

It is recommended that this pilot is not allowed to fly below 250 feet.

[Trg System Victim]

Point taken teeteringhead, New thread starting!

[reynoldsno1]

Oral debrief after a first ever PAR:

QFI: Well, Delta 76, that could only be described as a Shakespeare play....

D76: (loooonnnngg pause), eeerrrr, aaah AS YOU LIKE IT!!!!!

QFI: Actually, I had the Comedy of Errors in mind....

[divingduck]

...if this student were any denser, light would bend around him.

[A2QFI]

1. The presence of this officer on my squadron is depriving a village somewhere of an excellent idiot.

2. For the Army. My wife tells me this officer dances well!

[maniac55]

In the last report of an AA on his way out the door.

Sgt Bloggs will shortly be leaving the RAF to the benefit of both parties.

[timzsta]

Once written about me as a Junior Officer:

"XXXXX is a short blonde haired junior officer, who's Essex background clearly shows. However on occasions he has shown that he is not a total wideboy". And this was countersigned by a Commander!

Also a "XXXXXX could not navigate his way around a bathtub. He should go to the fleet to gain experience".