James May Daily Telegraph article

[WylieCoyote]

I think the best way to describe this would be to use a description I have often heard James May use himself about people "what a C:mad:k", or should I say plank!

The future of transport is up in the air - Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/columnists/jamesmay/5452634/The-future-of-transport-is-up-in-the-air.html)

I'm sure it's all in jest and just a dig at the hamster really!

The future of transport is up in the air
But flying means being in a proper plane, not a helicopter.

By James May
Published: 2:15PM BST 05 Jun 2009

Back in the olden days, between the wars, it was the done thing to be "air minded". The government actually encouraged this. This was the era in which smart people formed flying clubs and biffed around the country in small biplanes built by De Havilland out of bed-making materials, looking pukka.

I like to think of myself as being air minded. I like aeroplanes, and can argue that the small airfields that some people find so annoying are the reason why there are pilots available to fly you to Malaga on Cheesyjet for £9.99.

So I was delighted when my mate Richard Hammond, after years of dismissing light aircraft as "aerial mopeds", announced that he was taking flying lessons. But then I had to fall out with him immediately, because it turns out he is learning to fly a HELICOPTER.

I'm just not sure about helicopters. My mate Colin, who spends most of his time in his shed and is therefore something of a thinker, says that a helicopter is like a woman: the more time you spend examining it and trying to understand how it works, the more terrified you'll be of going anywhere near it. My objection to the helicopter is that it makes such a bloody appalling song and dance about flying.

A proper aeroplane, as used by people of taste and refinement, simply needs to move forwards at a brisk trot to be rewarded with the miracle of flight. A helicopter doesn't really fly at all, as far as I can make out. It screams and bawls like a spoilt brat until physics eventually gives in and says, "Oh, all right, all right, off you go then."

A helicopter taking off is such a vulgar spectacle. A small aeroplane will roar briefly and then be gone, a dwindling speck in the inverted bowl. But the helicopter sits there whining for ages, then disturbing the peace with that slow "whump whump whump" noise, which very gradually swells to a petulant crescendo of "chumpa chumpa chumpa". Finally, after it has ruined the lives of thousands, there it is, two feet off the ground looking terribly pleased with itself. Look at me! Look at me! I can hover. Ha!

Yes, yes, yes, that's terribly good. Now kindly buzz off, take your little chopper with you, and leave me alone to reassemble my newspaper.
Because helicopters can't really fly, they are inherently risky. Lots can go wrong with my small aeroplane before disaster threatens. The engine can disintegrate, bits can fall off, some of the controls can seize, and I could still get it down. But in a helicopter, every mechanical component seems to be critical, and if just one of them breaks you find yourself in the sky in a big box of Meccano.

But then, there is a precedent in nature for fixed-wing flight, in the gliding of seagulls and eagles. If you could somehow take a light aeroplane up in a balloon and toss it out, it would sort itself out and start flying; even if the engine was off and there was no one on board.

This isn't true of a helicopter, because without considerable human intervention it's just a dodo of a fuselage with some flappy bits on top. Nature did not give us a model for the helicopter, which is why it took such a long time to get right. Some of you will want to write in and direct me to the sycamore seed, but, strictly speaking, that is an autogiro. So there.
The beauty of rotary-winged craft, as all helicopter apologists like to point out, is that they can land pretty much anywhere. This is precisely the problem. The pilot of a proper aeroplane is forced by circumstance (but would anyway, because he or she is a decent sort) to land some way off and complete the last bit of the journey by foot, bicycle or taxi.

The helicopterist, meanwhile, because he can, will land on the lawn of a pleasant country house hotel where I'm staying. One moment I'm at peace on the terrace enjoying what Heat magazine would call a ''cheeky'' wine, then suddenly there's Melba toast all over the place. It really is abominably intrusive.

Why is this relevant here? Because I believe that the future of personal transport is in the air, and that the pleasure we derive from driving will one day have to be sought in the sky.

Join me up there, on the wings of a dove. Not sitting under an angry palm tree.

[eivissa]

I had a big laugh and i have to admit...in some parts I do see his point.
On the other hand I also have to admit that I'm a big Top Gear fan :ok:

I guess Richard Hammond got rotary-infected during this BBC show:

LdSUB9ZKmVM

[Horror box]

I think he makes a few good points, and it is not entirely off the mark. It just depends on your viewpoint and perspective. Quite an amusing article, not to be taken too seriously.
Personally I think the helicopter is a mastery of flying, with precision and finesse, unlike the fixed wing clumsiness of throwing yourself into the air to get away from the ground and then trusting yourself in a controlled crash at the end to get back on to it. Much more pleasant to be able to stop first, then choose your moment to meet mother earth again, when both you and her are ready!

[rogerk]

They don't go "chumpa chumpa chumpa"

They go "wokka wokka wokka" - what a beautiful sound !!

:D:D

[ShyTorque]

A helicopter taking off is such a vulgar spectacle. A small aeroplane will roar briefly and then be gone, a dwindling speck in the inverted bowl. But the helicopter sits there whining for ages, then disturbing the peace with that slow "whump whump whump" noise, which very gradually swells to a petulant crescendo of "chumpa chumpa chumpa". Finally, after it has ruined the lives of thousands, there it is, two feet off the ground looking terribly pleased with itself. Look at me! Look at me! I can hover. Ha!


An aeroplane taking off is a sad spectacle. A small helicopter can be moved out of its hangar, roar briefly and take off on its journey, whereas an aeroplane needs to be driven around a bumpy airfield at a snail's pace, in order to get to something called a "runway", from where it starts it's clumsy, ambling gait into the air, like some overweight goose.

A helicopter flies door to door, period. An aeroplane needs to fly to yet another runway at its intended destination, or more likely at some other remote and inconvenient destination, often covered in cow dung, from where the occupants must find their weary way to the hotel.

A helicopter pilot will arrive at his destination fresh as a daisy, a mercurial figure, which never fails to hugely impress the assembled swooning women. The aeroplane pilot, having arrived tired and weary from his road journey from the cow pasture, headset and crumpled aviation chart in hand, will be obliged to seek out some lonely, bored looking lady and in his dishevelled state declare, weakly "Hi, I'm a pilot!"

[Paddyviking]

What a cracker :ok:

Brought a smile to my face

Pv

[500e]

And he seemed such a sensible person

[Freewheel]

I sense a challenge a-brewing.

[Heliringer]

Shy Torque, to quote you, A helicopter pilot will arrive at his desitination fresh as a daisy. Are you serious?

I had not done a 10 hour day for a year or so until yesterday, I could hardly walk for about 15 minutes after I landed, not really fresh as a daisy!

Anyone else come out the machine after a LONG day, springing out the right hand side and looking forward to getting the hose out and giving it a good wash, 'cos you are so full of energy?

I must be doing something wrong:ok:

James May, well look at his Top Gear record, he is not the most outgoing bloke on the show:}

[airborne_artist]

A helicopter flies door to door, period.

Even better - it can fly ship to door/door to ship. Have you ever seen the amount of hardware and people it takes to get a fixed-wing aircraft to/from a ship :E

[HeliCraig]

small biplanes built by De Havilland out of bed-making materials

Lots can go wrong with my small aeroplane before disaster threatens. The engine can disintegrate, bits can fall off, some of the controls can seize, and I could still get it down.

So he is advocating flying an a/c made from an old bed which bits fall off?

Hmm... I think he should carry on talking to his "mate" Colin!!

[Whirlygig]

Perhaps he remembers The Flying Bedstead!!

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Cheers

Whirls

[rogerk]

Try north of Germany to Lake Constance in a Sioux (Bell 47) !!

It took a JCB to prise my a5rse of the seat !!

:ok::ok:

[newfieboy]

Hey Heliringer, I;m with you on that. To quote Shytorque 'a helicopter pilot will arrive at his destination fresh as a daisy, a mercurial figure, which never fails to hugely impress the assembled swooning women'., I certainly didn;t feel like that yesterday after 10 hours of prescision longline with heavy loads, going into a tight drill deck ,I felt like an exhausted wreck, and all I got waiting for me when I arrived at me destination was a load of sweaty drillers waiting to be flown out for night shift.I also must be doing something wrong:ugh:

Pretty entertaining article though, and I would think written a little 'tongue in cheek' as they say.

[SASless]

The pilot of a proper aeroplane is forced by circumstance (but would anyway, because he or she is a decent sort) to land some way off and complete the last bit of the journey by foot, bicycle or taxi.



Aye Lads....he knows what he is talking about!

Helicopter pilots are notoriously lazy....we won't walk even a half dozen steps further than we have to and being used to the wind and dust....we naturally assume others are the same way!

Just how many of us are indeed...."Decent"?

[HeliCraig]

Just how many of us are indeed...."Decent"?


I am fully clothed if that counts? :rolleyes:

[ShyTorque]

Hey, c'mon, guys...whose side are you lot on? :rolleyes:

[WylieCoyote]

Is there not appruner out there who could offer to change his mind on Heli's by maybe taking him for a flight?
I would of course, but offering a flight for free might loose me my hard won job and as for paying for it myself that ain't gonna happen!
Could make good tv, plank V's flingwing.

[FLY 7]

James May is a fixed wing pilot.

One of the first things I was told, was fixed wing pilots don't like helicopters - and 90% of the time it's because they are jealous :ugh:

[Tarman]

Mr May has a seriously dodgy haircut. Me thinks he is a helicopter pilot after all !!:ok:

[JimBall]

When Mr May needed to get from a Top Gear shoot to another location last year, he hired a heli.

He writes. He acts. Convincingly.

[HOGE]

*Engage Pedant mode*

James May writes.....

"Some of you will want to write in and direct me to the sycamore seed, but, strictly speaking, that is an autogiro. So there."

Someone write in and tell him Autogiro was a trademark name. Gyroplane would be more correct.

*Disengage Pedant mode*

[ShyTorque]

I bumped into him on 31st May at Goodwood. He looked like an overgrown student. In fact I'm sure he IS an overgrown student.

And I agree, he is an actor but then, aren't we all? ;)

[zorab64]

I'm sure FLY 7 has a point about jealousy - as someone told me once, anyone can fly a plane (which you just trim out & go to sleep from boredom), but only a few posess enough skill & precision to fly helicopters!

I'm quite happy to stick with that, and the fact that I can normally land much closer to a beer than plank pilot - part of the laziness, I suppose, but I can live with that! :ok:

Enjoyed the article though - got to give him credit for good writing!

[helispeediii]

i think he jealous, even though he got the rolls soft top for beer drinking sessions , its not as satifying as flying a rotary aicraft well, and when your finished you can have that beer , come on james we challenge you to try a few hours see how you get on?? bit like being gay, you never know till you try helispeediii [not gay]

[DOUBLE BOGEY]

Ah, what a fantastic bit of literature!!

The subject is immaterial. I really really enjoyed reading that piece.

For those of you who seem to have taken his point of view at face value...I think you have missed the point completley.

That man May can write...... Reminds me of "Oh my best Beloved"

DB

[WylieCoyote]

Oh he can write! Look at the reaction he's got! It's all to wind the Hamster up,should be good for the new series, lots of fixed wing v's heli's banter.:ok:

[madman1145]

Ohh bloody <biiip> :hmm: ..

Mr. James May. Nice writing, I'll give you that :ok: - if you read here on pprune ..

Now, comparing women to helicopters, you are absolutely right, Spot on. But being afraid of nearing a helicopter then, doesn't that say more about you and your skills with women :E ??

Remember, runways are only for Beauty Queens. Us "chumpa-chumpa"-pilots don't really need them. We don't need to show off on a shiny wooden floor before getting airborn, we just grab flying by its balls and show off when we get airborn ..
Because Mr. May. How fast can you fly sideways and backwards in your little shiny Cessna 172 ?? - How slow do you dare to fly ??

Let me add: Normal airplanes like your Cessna are like American cars, they really don't like to corner, they prefer to go straight ahead if you let them pick. Helicopters on the other hand, they just loooove cornering ;) ..

Best Regards;
madman - an absolute TopGear fan :} ..

[SASless]

Guys....Guys....(Ladies too)....lighten up!

That was a very funny article....and he seems to be stepping on some corns as I read the responses!

Shy is right behind him in the humour department and plainly saw the story for what it was.....plain good fun!

[krypton_john]

Now just imagine, if they could start a flight version of Top Gear.

"And this week, we put Billie Piper into the Bell 47 to see how she goes around our testing hover taxi course.

Following that, Jeremy, James and the Hampster each have to make an aircraft out of a car and fly across the channel with the winner being first to down a beer at the Brittany pub.

Finally, the Stig puts the latest S76C++ through its paces on the helicopter race course."

In retrospect, I guess it would be better without that Clarkson buffoon.

[Whirlygig]

OK James, if you read Pprune, here's an open offer to you - an hour in a Schweizer for an hour in a Cessna and let's see if you can convince me that fixed wing is more fun. :}

Cheers

Whirls

[Cron]

Whirly: is that a fun hour airborne or a fun hour .. er.. shall I say.. not airborne?

Sorry Whirls .. couldn't resist it. Feel free to castigate me.

Regards

Cron.

[Whirlygig]

Cron, consider yourself slapped. By one who slaps.

An hour airborne of course; it's a Schweizer with dual controls. I cannot comfortably comprehend anything else in that aircraft for an hour. :eek:

Cheers

Whirls

[Private jet]

I know that piloting a helicopter requires skill, however flying to New York or Hong Kong or wherever in one is not really practical is it? Helicopters have their uses but they are somewhat limited in many respects. As for "anyone can fly a plane (you just trim it out & go to sleep from boredom)" .......that comment is either meant as a wind up or it is a startling display of ignorance/arrogance.

[Whirlygig]

Helicopters have their uses but they are somewhat limited in many respects.No, one rspect; flying to New York or Hong Kong :}


http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a228/Whirls/38bd6a41.jpg

Cheers

Whirls

[ShyTorque]

PJ,

startling display of ignorance/arrogance.

You're easily startled, old chap. Are you from the USA?

P.S. this whole thread is a wind-up.

or a fun hour

I wouldn't mind giving it a Whirl... ;)

[SASless]

My Fair Whirls,

Times getting so bad you have to bribe a feller into going out with you?:oh:

[SilsoeSid]

Isn't a sycamore seed nothing more than an object shaped so that it can autorotate? It is neither an autogyro nor a gyroplane.

As Mr May has been fortunate enough to have a whirl in a Harrier, I think we would have to do a lot of convincing in this plank/rotary competition! :(

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[Private jet]

Whirls,

Also limited in the payload department are they not? as well as the range department, oh and they don't fly very fast so get a bit of a headwind component and its a bit of a bummer. They are pretty maintenance intensive per flying hour too....
Helicopters are uniquely very useful for certain tasks. i have no issue with that. Helicopter pilots more skilled than fixed wing?......well i'd have to take up cudgels with you on that point! Its just a different skill. You are not "sky gods".

ShyTorque,
No, not american.....i just lack your apparent pomposity.

Kind regards.

[Whirlygig]

Looks like it Sassy Dahling :{

Still, May get an offer or two :ok:

As Mr May has been fortunate enough to have a whirl in a Harrier,News to me :confused:

Oh, and Private jet - we are Sky Gods; most of us can fly fixed wing as well but took the sensible route.

Cheers

Whirls

[ShyTorque]

No, not american.....i just lack your apparent pomposity.


I sense your apparent lack of a sense of humour.

I say again, the whole thing is a wind-up. :p

[SASless]

Now that takes a lot of crust.....a Brit accusing a fellow Brit of "Pomposity"!:eek:

And all the while thinking the other guy was of all things....a YANK!

Shy,

A lot of my friends are Americans and used to be proud of it!

Being Americans.....that is.

[zorab64]

If you can't take a joke you shouldn't join a rotorheads thread!

PJ - please spit that hook out! :ok:

[Brian Abraham]

"For some years I have been afflicted with the belief that flight is possible to man. The disease has increased in severity and I feel it will soon cost me an increased amount of money, if not my life."
— Wilbur Wright, beginning of his first letter to Octave Chanute, 13 May 1900

He got that right, particularly the money bit.
Like all novices (in our childhood), we began with the helicopter but soon saw it had no future and dropped it. The helicopter does with great labour only what the balloon does without labour, and is no more fitted than the balloon for rapid horizontal flight. If its engine stops it must fall with deathly violence, for it can neither float like the balloon nor glide like the aeroplane. The helicopter is much easier to design than the aeroplane, but it is worthless when done.
Wilbur Wright, 1907

Well, we know better now.
"We have been real good over here. We have been in a lot of churches, and haven't got drunk yet!"
Orville in France to his father, Bishop Milton Wright, 1907
What else would you tell the Bishop? French gals and wine are tops?

[Private jet]

Yes, point taken re this thread.

I forgot to mention earlier, having read that little ditty at the end of whirlygigs post (#35) that it says "she will be with new men", as in multiple. Heli pilots like a slut then eh? :p

Reminded me of the difference between a slut and a bitch....
A slut goes with everyone at a party
A bitch goes with everyone except you at a party :)

Have fun

[ShyTorque]

PJ, I first flew jets thirty years ago but I'm over that now. No need to be rude to a lady just because she has a sense of humour, btw.

SASless, thanks for stepping right in there to nicely illustrate my point that Yanks still don't understand irony :ok:

[Pandalet]

That's like goldy and silvery, isn't it? Only cheaper?

[Trans Lift]

This is a fricking great thread. PJ chill the beans man, we are sky gods, get used to it. Also another little thing that I'd like to make a point about is nature. A force that man cannot control nor tame, in most cicumstances. Helicopters are a lot closer to nature than planes. Have you ever seen a bird coming in to land on the ground, they usually don't come screaming in at 60,70,150, etc knots and then burn the feet off themselves trying to stop on the surface. No, they come to a "hover", for just a second, then touch down nice and softly. They can also land and take off from wherever they see fit. Seems logical to me. :ok:

[madman1145]

No no no Trans Lift. Don't forget the Albatross - veeery gracefull when it take off and lands, right :suspect: ..
Maybe we should call all FW tincan drivers for Albatross Airlines :}
6zGEbVxr0mk

I myself consider flying a hummingbird, what more gracefull sort of flying is there than that. That is the true mastering of flying from nature :ok: ..
MT0hFXblpaM

- madman

[teeteringhead]

I do like the writing and programmes of May, J but I think he too would be amused by the number of people taking it seriously. And implicitly he was making comparisons with light aircraft, so range considerations are out of court too.

Later this year, I'm astounded to discover that I celebrate the 40th birthday of my first helicopter solo (Bell 47), and like Shy, I did it after flying some baby jets which the military insisted I demonstrate competence on before they would give me a helicopter!

All that time ago I got a buzz out of just doing appropriate things with the controls and seeing the concrete move further away between my feet .... wow! None of this manic rushing up and down a mile or so of concrete before and after flight.

And last month, when I most recently flew (Bell 412) the same buzz was still there ...... eat yer heart out May, don't knock it 'til you've tried it! :ok:

[RavenII]

I just love to read his articles....

He has no tast if it comes to cars, haircuts and obviously flying.....but he is funny!!

[Whirlygig]

He has no tast if it comes to cars,
He can be forgiven for rating the Alfa Brera highly :ok:

Cheers

Whirls

[SASless]

Turned you down did he Whirls?

[Heli-phile]

Please do not mock the next Primeminister of UK and Northern Island!!

(All praise his abruptness)

[Heli-phile]

Being a lucky SOB I fly both these types of heavier than air craft.

Its like dating 2 very jealous sisters:
Both have nearly killed me, both are extreme fun, both have major attributes and both have major draw backs.

One sister is suited to long comfortable encounters, she can be very accommadating, steady and reliable!! , the other sister is increadibly 'flexible' and 'manouverable' as well as high maintenance, she also makes a lot of noise and soon wears you out!!.

Both are wonderful in their own way, and the world would be a lesser place without either of them.

[krypton_john]

Mock, heli-phile?

That's not a mock. It's a job description!

[fluffy5]

Indeed Mr May is an inexperienced ppl plank pilot, so the story was going to be extremly biased. But please don't blame the poor chap, blame the people that trained him, brained washed the poor little muppet in his training enviroment to hate us far superior rotary pilots. The standard chopper envy is apparent, as they are doomed to take off on a runway, little grass field strip and land to a little wooden hut smelling of damp, with old biscuits and stewed tea, (bacon sandwiches are acceptable though).
As for us expert's at handling our own chopper, we go and land in these rather nice hotel's just to annoy the guest's, demand the right to be served and to say "everyone take a look at my chopper" and then meet the mistress for desert.
Hark what do I hear the plank pilots say " At least we can go long distances, like to france ".
Yes that is true, yet you still have to land at an airfield and a french one at that !
While the plank pilots are being molested by french drivers on the roads trying to get their chateau, the expert chopper handlers will already be there sipping the champagne from young french serving girls.

I am a chopper pilot and proud of it, avec gross sac. :}

[Whirlygig]

The standard chopper envy is apparent,According to Sigmund Freud, isn't that what Laydee Pilots suffer from? :}

Cheers

Whirls

[fluffy5]

With James May's long hair I rest my case. :}

[smarthawke]

James May isn't that inexperienced and flies taildraggers so he does have taste. He used to owns a Luscombe but now own a Super Decathalon.

Oh, and the registation? G-OCOK....

PS Love the hummingbird video!

[HoverD]

I flew over Mr Hammond's house the other day in Ross on Wye (more like a castle actually)....Had a look down, but didn't see any heli's parked up.........yet!

Mind you, along with the pool and trampoline, there was what looked very much like a giant hampster wheel :hmm: .........................

[gyrotyro]

A helicopter flies door to door, period. An aeroplane needs to fly to yet another runway at its intended destination, or more likely at some other remote and inconvenient destination, often covered in cow dung, from where the occupants must find their weary way to the hotel.

If that is correct then why are 99% of all helicopters parked at airfields ?

I think JM is pretty well right in his ramblings.

[ShyTorque]

If that is correct then why are 99% of all helicopters parked at airfields ?


Because that is where the fuel, maintenance and hangarage is. Any more questions? :hmm:

[unstable load]

Well Said, That Man!!:d

[rotorboater]

I like the way JM writes but I always thought he might bat for the other side but maybe not when you see his passenger!

http://www.caa.co.uk/docs/GImages/G-OCOK001.jpg

[heliski22]

Really did enjoy that piece from James May, not to mention the responses in thie thread afterwards!!

However - Shy, SAS, Whirls, et al - a point to consider..........

When was the last time you saw a bird running down the road trying to get airborne.................?


:) 22

[SASless]

Every day on Midway Island in the Pacific.

gKTfcs6LL6A&feature=related

[heliski22]

SAS - spoilsport!!!!!

[Scott Diamond]

Looks like the reg "OCOK" fits in nicely!

[pzu]

and from the same source


BBC - BBC Four Programmes - James May at the Edge of Space (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lc5ph)

I take it Clarkson couldn't do the Medical (I know I couldn't!!!) and as Hammond has already had a 'near death experience' it was May's turn

LUCKY :mad:

PZU - Out of Africa (Retired)

[rogerk]

BBC Four Programmes - James May at the Edge of Space

In a bl**dy U2 no less !!

:D:D:D

[r44raven]

Recent addition to the register is R44II G-OHAM, registered to Hamster Wheel Productions - could it be???:}

[Non-PC Plod]

Fluffy 5

"Sipping the champagne from young french serving girls" .... I've always used a glass before - but this could be the way ahead!

[HeliCraig]

Recent addition to the register is R44II G-OHAM, registered to Hamster Wheel Productions - could it be???http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/badteeth.gif


Indeed it could. A check of the Current Appointments Report from Companies House reveals that one Richard Mark Hammond (DOB 19/12/1969) is one of Directors of Hamster's Wheel Productions.

Share holding on latest 363 (annual return) doesn't show details; but on initial incorporation it looks like The Hamster and Wife each had 1 share - standard for small Co's.

Anyway.. now I have finished stalking, back to real work!! :bored:

[FLY 7]

I think it's great that Hammond and May are so committed to both flying and ownership.

I really hope they extend their enthusiasm to producing some entertaining general aviation TV programming - but perhaps not with the irreverance of Top Gear.

[206 jock]

So he has his helicopter registered to his company? Hope he has a good accountant OR uses it exclusively for business ;-)

The green-eyed monster is alive and well and living inside HMRC.