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ChrisVJ
7th May 2009, 06:58
Normally we keep things mostly under control in our family, ( with six kids we have to,) but we have one son, currently at university who is rather off the wall and he is home for a week. Just occasionally dinner conversation gets out of hand. Last night it was cremation. It started with a question about whether they burn the expensive coffin and went down from there.

It took about two minutes for the conversation to descend into chaos, tears of laughter streaming down our faces and totally unable to eat or drink for at least five minutes.

Please tell us we are not alone. Do other people have these conversations, and what about?

Beatriz Fontana
7th May 2009, 07:01
All the time. In fact, when this type of conversation doesn't occur in the family, we think something's up.

Roger Sofarover
7th May 2009, 07:15
ChrisVJ

You are looking for a problem that just doesn't exist. Have fun.

flyingfemme
7th May 2009, 07:18
No, Chris; you are not alone....with a MIL who was A+E sister for many years the stories can get pretty gruesome. Good to see a family eat together these days.

ChrisVJ
7th May 2009, 08:24
Roger S

I don't think its a problem. Just curious if it is common.

qwertyplop
7th May 2009, 08:42
Conversation at dinner?

Are you serious? :hmm:

hightower1986
7th May 2009, 08:55
Family Guy and American dad spring to mind! The only shows you need to watch to show Inappropriate Humour within family! Its hilarious and I dont think its a problem, to many people taking things for to serious and too PC!!:ugh:

jimtherev
7th May 2009, 08:55
Just introduce the topic of cremation - or funerals - to a dinner table of clergy & sit back.

I could a tale or two unfold...
But won't...
Unless bribed with beer...

racedo
7th May 2009, 09:21
An off the wall or two persons at a dinner generally are good fun as move the conversation so away from the norm. Can be fun watching people recoil with horror when some stuff gets raised.

Standard Noise
7th May 2009, 09:31
Chris, you are definitely as normal/warped* as the rest of us, please share your musings, we all need a laugh.:}

*choose as you see fit.

VnV2178B
7th May 2009, 11:44
Whilst eating with my Aged Parent on Tuesday he got a phone call from a friend if his - inviting him to go to a funeral

He demurred saying if he was going to go 15 miles to a crematorium he might as well stay there as it would hardly be worth coming back!

Putting the phone down he said that he was intending to donate his body for research.

'What , medical research?'

'No. paleontology...'

Shut me up for a while. anyway.:D

bnt
7th May 2009, 12:16
Nothing wrong with a bit of morbid humour. Ever watched the series Six Feet Under, about the owners of a funeral home? I remember one episode where they handled a deceased porn star whose casket was a bit more "open" than usual. Preparing her for that kind of exposure required some creativity, and a couple of cans of cat food ... ;)

When it's my turn to go, I'm donating my body to Science Fiction. It's Not Of This Earth, I'll say that much. :8

angels
7th May 2009, 12:48
My dad was miffed that the authorities wouldn't let him build his own coffin (he was a superb carpenter) for health and safety reasons!! :}

zarniwoop
7th May 2009, 12:51
Father had to go to my aunts funeral some years ago, as it was quite a distance to travel he decided to stay in a local hotel for a couple of nights. My two cousins went over to keep him company for a bit, but also to deliver a bit of bad news - the service had been moved because the crematorium had burnt down the previous night.

Aparently they managed to keep a straight face for about two seconds before they started giggling.

unstable load
7th May 2009, 13:33
ChrisVJ,

I have a 5 and 8 year old and some of the stuff that comes up all day, let alone at table makes it sometimes hurt to keep a straight face.
They are both quite lateral for such youngsters and I admit that they are going to be a handful later on in life, and I can't wait!!

racedo
7th May 2009, 14:12
Unstable Lad

Understand. Got a 4 year old who seems to be on a planet I recognise.

Reading a book about Volcanos he starts asking about local hills and which will be volcano's................in SURREY !!!!!

Standard Noise
7th May 2009, 15:13
Daddy Noise was fond of the Scottish wine and after his funeral service when we were walking back to the car, I turned and stood looking at the crem chimney. Wifey asked what I was looking for. 'Blue flame' says I.
Couldn't help it, p!ssed meself laughing.

ShyTorque
7th May 2009, 15:18
My 92 year old uncle lost his marbles and ended up in a care home.

We had a few inapproporiate laughs in there whilst visiting him - some of which we still laugh about today. For example, someone's budgerigar escaped and one old lady was terrified of it flying near her. The staff all ran round trying to recapture it as it flew to and fro. The old lady tried to dodge it but she couldn't stand up. When it flew over her and landed on the high back of her chair she curled into a ball while we laughed till we nearly wept...... :E

"It's on me 'ead, it's on me 'ead! She cried. "Tell me it's not on me 'ead!"

"It's not on your head". We said.

"It is, it is, it's on me 'ead!"

Us: Woohoo! :p:ok::)

Another old lady, very confused: "Will someone tell me what to do - will someone PLEASE tell me what to do?

Old man: "Yes - F**k off back to your bedroom and shut up, you silly old bat!"

Us: Woohoo! :D :E

Don't see my kids at mealtimes much these days. We used to get many laughs when they were much younger, often in the car.

For example: "Daddy, does God control the traffic lights?"

"Daddy - are there toilets in heaven?" etc.

Edit: I forgot to mention - Great Granny had just popped her clogs on that occasion and we were going over to help tidy her stuff away so heaven was in their kiddie minds.

motherbird
20th Jun 2009, 16:12
ChrisVJ
Lucky you to have a boy who talks! Mine just grunts if he is awake during the day.
However I hope this is due to change as he has been away for 4 months on a round the world jolly before going on to uni and i am hoping that someone may have taught him the art of conversation while he's been away.

Motherbird

OFSO
20th Jun 2009, 17:02
I've found that having doctors and especially surgeons (and their wives) to dinner results in HIGHLY appropriate humour. Also, since I usually make a pig's bottom of carving whatever we're eating, I usually hand the implements to friend Gerhard (retired surgeon) and say "here, you're qualified - you make a mess of it !" (and he never does).

OFSO
20th Jun 2009, 17:03
I've found that having doctors and especially surgeons (and their wives) to dinner results in HIGHLY inappropriate humour. Also, since I usually make a pig's bottom of carving whatever we're eating, I usually hand the implements to friend Gerhard (retired surgeon) and say "here, you're qualified - you make a mess of it !" (and he never does).

V2-OMG!
20th Jun 2009, 17:59
There's nothing wrong with dark humour; it is just another coping mechanism in the face of tragedy.

I lost my father fairly young. It was unexpected. When the three of us (V2, V2's sister and our mother) went to the funeral home to discuss the cremation and service, it went something like this:

Funderal Director: Did Mr. A wear a pacemaker?
Mom: No. Why?
Funeral Director: Because pacemakers have to be removed before the cremation; they will explode when exposed to heat.
Mom: I didn't know that. I wear a pacemaker.
V2's Sister: Better keep mom out of the sun then.
V2: (Bursts out laughing).
Mom: Girls! Quiet!
V2: Why? Are you worried we may wake the dead?
Funeral Director: I love this family!

When you just can't cry anymore....
you just have to laugh.

x213a
20th Jun 2009, 18:06
The problem with "black" humour is that although most people secretly find aspects or all of it amusing, some still take it upon themselves to be offended by proxy and it's seen as de-rigeur to be seen to be saying so.

PPRuNe Dispatcher
20th Jun 2009, 19:13
At my mum's funeral, myself, my wife, my brother, sister and uncle started talking about what music we'd have played at our own funerals. We ended up picking:

"Wish you were here",
"Living in a box",
"Going underground",
"Smoke gets in your eyes",
and so on.
... well, you get the idea. My mum would have been proud!

My uncle then looked at the very expensive urns that were in glass cabinets... and stated that he didn't want his ashes put in an urn as they were expensive, no, he'd want his ashes put in a cheap rubbish bin (which he pointed to). I said he couldn't... because the side of the plastic bin had a sign on it, which said "no hot ashes". I could hear my mum laughing....

PPD

x213a
20th Jun 2009, 20:28
I remember being fell in on the flightdeck for the scattering of a Chief's ashes off Ramehead. The buzz was that someone was going to shout "man overboard" when the scattering happened.
I think everybody bottled it but still found the idea it was even considered, humerous.

Fantome
20th Jun 2009, 21:28
Beyond the Fringe Sketches

Auditioning as Mr Spiggott, a one-legged man auditioning for the role of Tarzan.T he phrase 'one-legged man' conjures up certain images - an artificial limb maybe, perhaps a wheelchair, at the very least a pair of crutches. Dudley Moore had none of these things and spent the entire sketch hopping on his solitary limb. Bouncing backwards and forwards and from side to side, while delivering his lines completely deadpan. And he had his hands in the pockets of his raincoat throughout. No arms out for balance. How he managed to do this without falling over we'll never know.

Cook: Well, Mr Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Cook: Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Moore: The leg division?

Cook: Yes, the leg division Mr Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said, 'A lovely leg for the role.' I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.

Moore: You mean it's inadequate?

Cook: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr Spiggott. And to my mind the British public is just not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape man swinging through the jungle tendrils.

Fantome
20th Jun 2009, 21:36
A man went into a café, where the waitress asked him what he wanted. "A quickie," he said.

She gave him a dirty look and asked him again. "I really want a quickie, ma'am," the man repeated. The waitress slapped his face and told him to get out.

As he was leaving, another diner said to him, "I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


The American cartoonist John Callahan is one of the most brilliant and savage anti-politically-correct artist alive. He ridicules the hypocritical p.c. bullshitters and arseholes in cacademia, in the media, in the business world, and in daily life who are perverting language and destroying thinking around the world.

In addition to Callahan's hilarious "The Flatulent Nun" , there are other pearls such as "Look at the Ass on that Bitch" and many other wonderfully uninhibited cartoons on his web site honored with the "Maledicta Seal of Approval."

BAMRA wake up
20th Jun 2009, 22:12
A cruise ship company decided they would liven up the evening shows aboard ship by hiring an alternative comic.

On the first night he strolled out on the stage, peered down at the very wealthy, elderly and mostly American audience, 'Hmm it's been a mild winter'. He left the ship at the next port.

FrankLeeSpeakin
20th Jun 2009, 22:16
We were a family of six kids plus Mum and Dad. In our teenage years and older, Dad would usually make an "innocent observation" and it was like watching a chain of beacons being lit one by one as we all started blushing furiously - fighting back the urge to make the obvious retort.
Dad came home once from B&Q bearing a plank of wood, saying "I wanted a toothpick - this was the smallest thing they had and I was too embarrased to argue"

visibility3miles
20th Jun 2009, 22:25
A relative of mine worked in a Public Health Department. Sometimes when they reminisced about the past, I lost all interest in eating, even if I'd heard the tale before.

The phrase, "Can't you wait until AFTER dinner to tell me that?" would echo through my head, although I always left the thought unsaid...

Sprogget
20th Jun 2009, 22:37
What about this then, if there are anythng like uh, girls in the room. What the hell's a G-spot?
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parabellum
21st Jun 2009, 01:24
Children Writing About The Sea.......You can't buy this stuff.



1) This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you
are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my
friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up
her fanny. (Julie age 7)

blackace
21st Jun 2009, 01:24
Great thread, makes my FI Button joke seem tame by comparison. What a bunch of jokers you guys really are.

kiwi chick
21st Jun 2009, 02:19
Chris, it's normal everyday conversation when I'm with the Chicklets too :ok:

bnt, WOW "Six Feet Under" was one of the best series I've seen, fantastic black humour!

I mentioned to the guys on my course that if something happened to me while still in the Military, I wanted my remains to be thrown out of a Huey over the sea.

Silence ensued, with a few shocked glances, then one of them said "wow, *Kiwichick*, I don't think we'd actually be allowed to throw your whole body in the sea?"

Bless him.... :D

Fantome
21st Jun 2009, 02:56
Silence ensued, with a few shocked glances, then one of them said "wow, *Kiwichick*, I don't think we'd actually be allowed to throw your whole body in the sea?"


ashes to ashes . . .. . dust thou art to dust returneth ..... if the unthinkable happened , KC,
here's hoping they'd see to it the smoke's
a nice blue.

Solar
21st Jun 2009, 03:30
When an old aunt dies a few years ago the wake was held in our house and as the drive was not finished at the time we had a load of gravel delivered that my son and I spread out to tidy things up, a few years later we had my fathers wake in our house and again another load of gravel was required. During the spreading process my son remarked Da how many of your relatives have to die before you get this tarred.
After my father passed away I had to move a 80 year collection of machine tools and assorted stuff to our house and in the middle of this I was giving my son a hard time at the speed he was working when he said , it's alright for you but I'm going to have to do this twice you know. Slows you up a bit.

hellsbrink
21st Jun 2009, 06:21
When my mum was dying of cancer (it had spread into her spine so it was obvious what was going to happen), they gave her a powered reclining chair to make her more comfortable. Then, to prolong the inevitable, she was going to be getting a few courses of radiotherapy to try and slow down the growth/spread of the cancer.

When the Macmillan nurse was round explaining all of this to us I couldn't contain myself. "So first you stick her into an electric chair and now you're going to microwave her. Are you trying to bloody kill her?".

My mum almost fell out of the chair laughing........

ORAC
21st Jun 2009, 07:17
I've found that having doctors and especially surgeons (and their wives) to dinner results in HIGHLY appropriate humour. Also, since I usually make a pig's bottom of carving whatever we're eating, I usually hand the implements to friend Gerhard (retired surgeon) and say "here, you're qualified - you make a mess of it !" (and he never does).

It's not the carving that makes him refuse, it's the bl**dy hours he'd have to spend sewing it all back together again afterwards......

arcniz
21st Jun 2009, 07:39
I was giving my son a hard time at the speed he was working when he said , it's alright for you but I'm going to have to do this twice you know.

Eldest daughter was back at home for summer break after a year or two at University. Some one of her entertainment appliances had stopped functioning & she asked for help fixing it. After following me into the ''archives" where parts and pieces remain on hand to build anything from an ILS to a bbq, she remarked with earnest but tactless honesty: ''I sure hope you take some time to throw out all this stuff before you die."

passy777
21st Jun 2009, 09:56
When you just can't cry anymore....
you just have to laugh.

Four years ago when my mother died, the undertaker visited my sisters house where all of the family were gathered to discuss the funeral arrangements.

The undertaker who has a good reputation in these parts started to discuss what type of coffin we would require.

Having perused his 'catalogue' (for want of a better word) he attempted to extol the virtues of a solid oak casket.

No doubt it was a good product in comparison with the MDF caskets, however, I think he could have wished the ground had opened up when he explained that the oak casket "Would last a lifetime"

Unfortunate sales pitch - but we can have a good laugh now!

Worrals in the wilds
21st Jun 2009, 10:28
Never take a tribe of scrub nurses (theatre / surgery) to your favourite restaurant unless you want to find a new favourite restaurant.
I made this mistake once, and after our table of six had consumed rather a lot of bubbly, relived the gangrenous bowel case, the untreated VD case and various ailments affecting male genatalia the rest of the restaurant didn't feel like dessert, and even less like cheese:ooh:.

It took a heartfelt apology and a large tip before I regained my 'favoured customer' status. Nurses are better off kept out of the public's eye and hearing range, particularly when drinking. Same with cops.

Low Flier
7th Jul 2009, 08:53
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01438/0707-MATT-web_1438020a.gif

QTG
7th Jul 2009, 09:18
Don't ever try to scatter someone's ashes from a helicopter in the hover. I did once - inadvertent entry into IMC followed....................................inside!!!!!

airborne_artist
7th Jul 2009, 09:34
QTG - similar problems scattering ashes from a Shackleton, I'm told!

Union Jack
7th Jul 2009, 09:48
Cook: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr Spiggott. And to my mind the British public is just not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape man swinging through the jungle tendrils.

I seem to recall that in the version of the same sketch that I saw in Australia, the next person auditioning in front of Peter Cook after Dudley Moore was a two-legged bloke dressed as Tarzan - auditioning for the part of Long John Silver!

Jack

PS My lips remain sealed on the subject of VIP burials at sea .....

OFSO
7th Jul 2009, 10:22
QTG - similar problems scattering ashes from a Shackleton, I'm told!

I can't remember in which book I read it, but the tale of a cremation presided over by a vicar with a headcold sticks in my mind:

"....and with an almighty sniff, the remains of the deceased vanished up his left nostril..."

Personally, not where I would chose for my final resting place.....

airborne_artist
7th Jul 2009, 10:22
Scene: gruesome bombing in N Ireland late 70s. Royal Marines arrive, first on scene. Quick search of area for walking/living wounded. Royal finds a severed hand some distance away, and picks it up:

"Look Sir, someone's thrown their hand in" :E

henry crun
7th Jul 2009, 11:16
In the Falklands war towards the end of the battle for Longdon a para was hit by artillery shrapnel and went down in agony. "Christ, I've lost my leg" he moaned.

His mate crouched beside him said "No you havn't mate, it's over there". :E

TBirdFrank
7th Jul 2009, 11:42
One of the wife's friends died some years back and the family opted for a cremation.

As the curtains started to draw together, no-one had noticed that a trusted friend had nipped behind them just before.

As they closed over coffin a big cheery hand appeared in the rapidly closing gap and waved goodbye!

It was a defining moment. Those in the know, and some who weren't cracked up completely. Others burst into tears. Either way it was a show stopper!

Worrals in the wilds
7th Jul 2009, 12:53
Unidentified body retrieved from the sea in North Queensland was covered in crabs, molluscs and other marine life. Horrified, naive young Constable asks ageing, cynical Seargent, 'What do we do with him?' Seargent's reply; 'Bait him up and throw him back'...

Disclaimer: heard second hand.

TBirdFrank, I hope someone does that at my funeral, much more fun than weeping and wailing. :)

Effluent Man
7th Jul 2009, 15:25
I just called in at home.Mrs E has a habit of getting things mixed up: "They are burying Michael Jackson at Staples Corner" she said.

Storminnorm
7th Jul 2009, 15:59
They probably needed a few staples to tidy him up a bit.

singpilot
7th Jul 2009, 16:44
My father, RIP, was a dentist.

At the dinner table, if there was something he particularly liked, but he knew there'd be no second portions of, he'd launch into a gory discussion of a root canal that went badly, or an impacted wisdom tooth removal. My two sisters would leave the table, gagging, and the rest of us would have ample portions of everything as we all giggled thru dessert. He was incredibly talented at ramping up the degree of gore as needed to vacate the people who he knew would buckle.

I was the oldest child at the time (13 years), and the youngest one (6 years) one day asked Dad at the dinner table why his marriage anniversary was in January and my birthday was in July of the same year.

He had mashed potatoes coming from his nostrils, as my mother buried her horror in a glass of wine. Of course the rest of us were laughing so hard no one could eat for ten minutes.

No, I would say your dinner table discussions were completely normal, as were ours.

Solid Rust Twotter
7th Jul 2009, 17:33
Re scattering of ashes.

Our skydiving club C182 was used to scatter the ashes of a member of a local flying club. Usual debacle where everything was blown back into the aircraft (sans door). I was waiting on the ground to fly it to the club for the day's jumping, and as we were running late I didn't bother sweeping out the cabin.

Got to the club and spent a very entertaining day watching the slower ones dip a finger in the coarse white dust covering the interior then tasting it after staring at it quizzically for a while.

Enlightened them that evening over a few cold beers...:E

OFSO
7th Jul 2009, 18:20
re disposal of ashes:

(And yes, this really happened, when I was living in Germany, or West Germany as it was in those happy days).

It was common at that time for West Germans to send their relatives in East Germany food parcels, and not unknown for the miserable sods responsible for 'security' in East Germany to open these, steal food, mess about with the labels etc. before the "Ossies" received their parcels.

An elderly family in E. Berlin received a food parcel from the West, and among other items it contained a tin of grey powder, which tasted slightly salty but not unpleasant (mind you, if you lived in East Germany then, everything from the West tasted nice). It was unlabelled, but they assumed it was some sort of soup, mixed it up with water, simmered it for an hour or two, and drank it. They invited an elderly female relative over to supper, and she had three bowls.

Two days later a letter from the West arrived, explaining that Uncle W. had died, and been cremated, and as his last wish was to be buried back in "der Heimat" they had put his ashes in a tin and posted them back in the food parcel.

The elderly female relative died of shock when they told her.