View Full Version : No noisy sex please, we're British.

kiwi chick
28th Apr 2009, 00:35
BBC NEWS | UK | England | Wear | Woman held for noisy sex 'breach' (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/wear/8021185.stm)

28th Apr 2009, 01:07
Brings a whole new meaning to "Lie back and THINK of England"--but do it in silence...

Buster Hyman
28th Apr 2009, 01:20
But she appeared in court on Monday, charged with three breaches of her Asbo in just 10 days.

3 times in 10 days...Half her luck...:(

Howard Hughes
28th Apr 2009, 02:10
No sex please we're British!:E

Roger Sofarover
28th Apr 2009, 02:55
Here we have the utter lunacy of Britain. This woman has been remanded in custody for two weeks, REMANDED IN CUSTODY!!! It is completely unbelievable. I would love this to go all the way to the human rights courts and see what they make about a woman screaming during sex. Maybe it will transpire during the cross-examining at her UK trial that her husband is so well endowed he would make most women scream. What will the UK do then? I guess they will order a surgical penile reduction if their current policy of lunacy is to be followed.

Many years ago we had a 'noisy couple next door', there bed was always banging on the wall etc. I asked them politely but their bad banging continued. I found a solution. I put a small but powerful stereo in our bedroom with the speakers facing their wall and bought a couple of really dire CDs from a car boot sale, one of children's nursery rhymes, another was a 70's recording of some amateur brass bands. When the bed banging started as we couldn't sleep anyway, I turned on the stereo full blast. It had the desired effect and cooled their ardour very quickly. Four weeks after my 'active noise countermeasures commenced' we saw a new bed being delivered next door:} Bliss, no more beds banging on the wall.

28th Apr 2009, 08:09
And nobody has commented upon Roger's apt-for-this-thread name!

Roger Sofarover
28th Apr 2009, 08:11

kiwi chick
28th Apr 2009, 08:27
I am ashamed to admit I have only just this minute clicked. :O

I have been trying to work it out - "Sofa Over" is the closest I came... :}

Hot 'n' High
28th Apr 2009, 08:35
Was woken up once when living in a Mess by huge rumpus in room above mine. Was just about to head up to say "Either let me join in or shut the f~*k up!" when the diminutive lady Flt Lt from the room opposite strode up amid slamming and banging of doors! Then silence!!! Always viewed diminutive Flt Lt in a new light after that. :p And still got one fantasy I've not had a chance to sample!!!!! :ooh:

Toodle pip!

H 'n' H

28th Apr 2009, 09:13
RJM and associates prepared and ready to post anti-political correctness thread on JB


28th Apr 2009, 09:49
Yeah but yes but no, but yes....... c'mon, once a week is tolerable, but it was EVERY NIGHT ! What a dreadful effect it would have had on my ego had I been next door - not to mention encouraging the wife (or giving her a standard for me to live up to).

The year before last we had someone staying nearby, and hot afternoons (all windows open) were punctuated with very loud female screams of "Nein...nein...nein..." etc. Assuming it wasn't Max Mosely staying there, I really wonder why the negative expletive - surely "Ja...ja...ja..." would have been more appropriate.

Or was she counting ? European or Imperial measurements I wonder.

Molesworth Hold
28th Apr 2009, 10:13

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28th Apr 2009, 11:08
If MissusP gets an ASBO because of nookie, it'll be because the neighbours are fed up with hearing her yell "NO NO NO, Gerroff ya randy old bastid". :{

28th Apr 2009, 11:20
Surely “husband Steve” must be an accessory during and after the fact (or is is it "act", in this case)? Should he get an ASBO?

28th Apr 2009, 12:22
Should he get an ASBO?

Aloud Sex Banning Order ?

simon brown
28th Apr 2009, 12:26
Huh! The only time my neighbours hear my wife moaning is if I dont load the dish washer properly

28th Apr 2009, 12:28
Gordy -
Brings a whole new meaning to "Lie back and THINK of England"--but do it in silence...

On my wedding day I had time to think of England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, Belgium, Netherlands, Germany (including Sylt), Italy, Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Spain, Greece, Turkey, Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, the Far East, the Near East, the not-sure-which-category-it-fits-into East, Australia, New Zealand, Micronesia (the French bits where you get a really good cup of coffee) Polynesia (the parrot-infested-bits), Ibiza (the naughty bits)...and then I was asleep.

Burnt Fishtrousers
28th Apr 2009, 12:37
Why anyone would want to lie back and think of a cold wet island that is financially and morally bankrupt is beyond me

Lon More
28th Apr 2009, 12:53
Back in the 1970s there was a bird in Wheathampsead (IIRC) had the same problem. She ended up writing about her experiences in one of Paul Raymonds' mags.

A young Lon More hung around the area a lot, but was never invited to assisthttp://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/sadsp.gif

28th Apr 2009, 12:59
Ladies & Gentlemen, please, everyone knows that sex is what coal comes in

Lon More
28th Apr 2009, 13:04
sex is what coal comes in

Only in Germany. I normally come in a condom.

28th Apr 2009, 13:05
Thought you looked a bit plasticky, Lon More.

28th Apr 2009, 13:19
The happy couple should set up an internet site with sound recordings -- perhaps even have preannounced live mike sessions:E

The revenue could at least pay for soundproofing so the neighbors could no longer listen for free:=

More likely the revenue could pay for a house in a secluded location that could be claimed as a business expense against income:}

28th Apr 2009, 13:29
Reports say that 5000 women are seeking the bloke's address.

Lon More
28th Apr 2009, 13:29
Just been reminded that the neighbour asked us to close the balcony doors at such times as her aged mother was coming to visit and they were a bit worried about the noise.http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/Sex2.gif

mr fish
28th Apr 2009, 20:10
the best way for her to make less noise would be putting something in her mouth during intercourse!!!

i'm available most nights,
after the wife's gone to sleep:}:}

28th Apr 2009, 20:17
I love women like this.

Girls, please don't fake the orgasms, but make as much noise as you like :ok:

p.s. don't forget the talking.

Juliet Sierra Papa
28th Apr 2009, 21:15
Overdrive " I love women like this "

Thats great news but please don't ask if you ever met her.. So do you come here often?


28th Apr 2009, 23:03
Back in the 1970s there was a bird in Wheathampsead (IIRC) had the same problem.
it was the eighties. Moaning Maggie she was known as, met her a couple of times in the Adelaide in St Albans. moved to South Africa I believe.

28th Apr 2009, 23:16
What doesn't appear to have got into print is that these sessions were typically of four hours duration - that's four hours - not four minutes and at least one started at 7am . . .

. . . and 250 complaints were made by as many as 25 neighbours . . .

I suppose the Earth moved in that housing estate:-
Wikimapia - Let's describe the whole world! (http://wikimapia.org/#lat=54.9128057&lon=-1.5167718&z=20&l=0&m=h&v=2)

kiwi chick
28th Apr 2009, 23:25
Ok. I just cannot believe - now matter HOW good her husband may be - that she could be in such a state for FOUR HOURS.

I could believe that their, er... "session" may last that long, but I would bet my life there is no woman on earth who could remain screamingly-orgasmic for anywhere near that amount of time. :eek:

I think she's pulling a fast one. :E

Buster Hyman
29th Apr 2009, 00:30
I think she's pulling a fast one.
Well, that'd do it every time....

29th Apr 2009, 00:39
..........rumour has it she's got quite a collection of strap-on accessories - she's gruntin' & groanin' & beating the bed off the wall ok, but it's actually hubby doin' all the squealin !!:D:D:D
you go girl !!!!!!!!!!:ok:

29th Apr 2009, 03:10
Surely husband Steve must be an accessory during and after the fact.

He was charged, but it was plea bargained.

The empathetic judge thought the following disposition would be most appropriate: an absolute discharge.

kiwi chick
29th Apr 2009, 03:14
:oh: *giggle* :D

Pinky the pilot
29th Apr 2009, 03:28
an absolute discharge.

Better than a dishonourable discharge I guess.:hmm:

29th Apr 2009, 03:42
kiwi chick, ;)

Pinky the Pilot, LOL! :D

Buster Hyman
29th Apr 2009, 04:14
Girls! Cut it out!:=

This is exactly the reason why we had to pull Howard out of that all girls school a few years back!

29th Apr 2009, 11:10
OK. I just cannot believe - now matter HOW good her husband may be - that she could be in such a state for FOUR HOURS.

I could believe that their, er... "session" may last that long, but I would bet my life there is no woman on earth who could remain screamingly-orgasmic for anywhere near that amount of time.http://static.pprune.org/images/smilies/eek.gif

Kiwi Chick - Not even if she was sniffing/snorting/smoking/injecting something? I have no idea but assume she must have had some kind of chemical help?

kiwi chick
29th Apr 2009, 11:14
Hmmmmm.... you MAY be onto something here.

I'm reading the book "Scar Tissue" which is about Anthony Kiedis, the lead singer from Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

(He is one MESSED up man, but that's another thread...)

Several times he mentions the "out-of-this-world sex sessions" that he has with various girlfriends when he's high on cocaine or heroin.

Sorry, but even the best orgasm in the world is not worth doing that shite for.

Red wine? yes... :E

29th Apr 2009, 11:30
Pulling a fast one ............. for four hours????

Sounds more like an Eric Clapton title to me!

Lon More
29th Apr 2009, 11:48
met her a couple of times in the Adelaide in St Albans

aaah. but did you get to know her? Nudge, nudge; wink, wink.

29th Apr 2009, 13:55
Madame and I checked into a hotel in San Gimignano in Feb one time. We were right behind a French couple.
We were the only people in the hotel and they put us in adjoining rooms!
While madame was showering, the other couple got stuck into it very energetically and noisily and their head board was right through the wall from ours. As the gasping and groaning and whimpering was fading SWMBO came out of the bathroom and asked what the hell the noise was. I was giggling fit to bust and applauded loudly and shouted "Bis, Bis" (French for encore).

Anyway, time to go out in search of dindins. As did the other couple.
The transport to the lobby was one of these oldfashioned lifts that take only four people (with a squeeze) So there I was, nose to nose with this lady as the lift wheezed asthmatically downwards for what seemed like an eternity. I almost burst trying not to erupt into laughter.
They didn't wait for breakfast the next morning!
The Ancient Mariner

29th Apr 2009, 16:35
One presumes that the husband avails himself of Viagra . . .

29th Apr 2009, 20:48
Only 4 hours? :hmm: Pah! Mere beginers:O

cockney steve
30th Apr 2009, 12:52
Ah, 'tis but a dim memory for me :(

But, being British, I have to keep a stiff upper lip :}

30th Apr 2009, 14:39
I've been away too long.

It is 'news' like this that really annoys me. I love making noise. Louder the better really. But to be remanded in custody???

Madness I tell you, utter madness

kiwi chick
1st May 2009, 00:27
I love making noise. Louder the better really.

Yes, I couldn't agree more. But when one resides in barracks with boys on boths sides and across the hall, one learns to maintain some sort of discipline... :E:oh:

(and I'm talking along the lines of: I can hear my neighbour's phone beep when he gets a text... :eek:)

1st May 2009, 04:38
Single digs, kiwi chick? :hmm:

Ace Rimmer
1st May 2009, 07:31
Wuz on a work trip few years back and the couple in the next room were what I can only discribe as athletes (and elite ones at that).... hours and hours it went on at high volume actually she had quite a range of howls screams moans and grunts (at least I think it was her) then they have a little rest then seconds out round two, and three and four and five... six if you count the dawn patrol...

Lon More
1st May 2009, 08:32

1st May 2009, 10:15
Was in a hotel with my wife in St Omar many years ago - paper-thin walls - couple in next room were getting it on very noisily. They finished and after a pause, male voice said in English "that was lovely, see you tomorrow then ?" and a woman's voice answered in the affirmative and said goodby.

Their door opened and shut - at least we heard it shut - and then conversation in same room continued between same woman and different male voice, whom we presumed have been in the room the whole time - and after a few minutes THEY started having sex.

Amazing. No, not amazing, I'm just innocent.