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GroundedSLF
17th Apr 2009, 15:01
Why is it that women, any women, cant just provide a simple answer to a simple question?

Examples:

Mrs GSLF (shouting from the bedroom to me downstairs watching the footie) - Can you bring me my address book?

Me - Of course sweetheart, Where is it?

Mrs GSLF - In my handbag!

Me - ..and your handbag is where?

Mrs GSLF - Where it always is - stupid!

Me (having taken a quick look around the living room and hall) - Its not in the lounge or the hall...

Mrs GSLF - Why would I put it in the living room?

Me - For :mad: sake! - just answer the :mad: question!!! WHICH ROOM IN THE HOUSE IS YOUR HANDBAG IN? I dont know because I didnt put it there, and I dont actually make it my mission to look around each room to see where you have put the bloody thing!

Mrs GSLF (in a none too happy voice) - Dont bother, I`ve got it myself!

Now, if a similar conversation were to be had between 2 men, it would go one of 2 ways:

"John" - Do me a favour and get my briefcase for me.

Me - :mad: off and get it yourself you lazy :mad:

OR

"John" - Do me a favour and get my briefcase for me.

Me - Sure mate, where is it?

"John" - Under the table in the dining room.

Noah Zark.
17th Apr 2009, 15:09
GSLF,
I didn't know you and I are married to the same person! She kept that quiet! :uhoh:

GroundedSLF
17th Apr 2009, 15:10
Noah - Told you mate - its ALL women!

PatrickH
17th Apr 2009, 15:17
'cos if they did they would be blokes.:E

Noah Zark.
17th Apr 2009, 15:21
GSLF
It's exactly the same converse in my domicile. Only it's her car keys. several days a week, we end up turning the house upside down for them. Cushions out of the furniture, look under chairs, settee, anywhere.
Then she finds them. In a drawer in the kitchen. "I didn't put them there!" she says. Well, the house must be haunted, 'cos I sure as **** didn't! :ugh:

Cheerio
17th Apr 2009, 15:22
This is so true.

Mrs C: Fetch me the key for the windows
C: Where is it?
Mrs C: Over there (not looking or pointing)
C: (Rummage Rummage aimlessly) Where?
Mrs C:THERE!
C: (Rummage Rummage)
Mrs C: (Starting to get irritated) In the drawer!
C: (Helplessly surveying a large chest of drawers he has already discombobulated, continues to rummage) Which drawer?
Mrs C: THE TOP ONE!
C: (Rummages through the top drawer with forensic thoroughness creating great disorder)
Mrs C: (Exasperated) Get out of the way!
C: (Stands his ground with a touch of testosterone in his tone) Look! It's not here!
Mrs C: (after 2 seconds) What do you call that then?

Now where TF did that come from? I swear I couldn't see it, and I looked carefully for ages. But there it was, right in front of my eyes. How can I ever be seen as a figure of authority by my sniggering offspring?

onetrack
17th Apr 2009, 15:32
Cheerio - Don't worry .. it happens in our house, too. I get told .. "have a GIRLS look!!" .. when I can't see it, despite raking through the drawer/cupboard/pantry/fridge with great gusto .... :D

Then .. SHE comes up and says .. "What's this, then??!!" .. and I say .. "but! .. but! .. but! .. it wasn't there, when I looked!! ..."

And the final, withering, answer? .. "That's because you never had a GIRLS LOOK!!! ... " :rolleyes:

corsair
17th Apr 2009, 15:33
It happened just now, she's going out. Yells up the stairs, 'Gets my boots with the zips on'. They all have zips but luckily I'm psychic and get it right. It's always the same, where's my phone, keys, handbag, purse. Fortunately for her. I seem to have some innate ability as a spy or something because I always seem to know where things are. It does get silly though when I'm on the other side of the country and she rings me asking where something is. The spooky thing is that I often know, most probably based on experience rather than actual psychic abilities.

As for the boots? Did she thank me? No, just tutted when I threw them down the stairs to her. You can't win.:sad:

OFSO
17th Apr 2009, 15:34
If two men were doing the washing up (I know, I know, this is a plot for a horror film) it would go:

"Can you take the blue pot and put it inside the red one on the top shelf in the cupboard to the right."

Two women doing same chore (a much nicer thought).

"Take this one and put it in that one up there in there."

Hence:

"Have you seen my..............." (voice trails off)

"Yes, your what ?"

"My mobile phone"

"Which one ?"

"The English one"

"Where was it last ?" - this is me being cunning

"If I knew that I wouldn't need to ask" - retaliation

(long boring interchange showing how women don't use nouns, deleted)

"I know, I'll ring it from my other phone to see where it is........." (pause) "....darling, have you seen my other phone ?"

Honda, please get ASIMO working as soon as possible....

Pugilistic Animus
17th Apr 2009, 15:52
With my girlfriend,...when she's all irrational and such like as women tend to be at home,...Like 411A I say 'do I sound like a chief pilot,...because I am,...then she gets sacked;)


I'm toast:uhoh:

luv you baby:O



PA

MagnusP
17th Apr 2009, 16:02
Me: Where are the keys for the Audi?

Her: In my handbag.

Me: Where's your handbag?

Her: Where it usually is.

Me: :mad: Your handbag isn't on the back of the vestibule door, my little flower!!!

Her: NO! Where it usually is.

Me: It's usually on the back of the vestibule door, oh light of my life :*

Her: Not since the psychic said I shouldn't. It's now usually in the utility room.

Me: Oh, forget it; I'll get the :mad: bus. :ugh::ugh:

Jimmy Macintosh
17th Apr 2009, 16:21
That is stunning! I got a cold shiver...my wife is all of those and the responses are all mine!

Wife- I need some earrings.
Me- How about those. (white gold small pale ameythst stones around the periphery)
Wife-Am I wearing purple?
Me- No
Wife- Why would I want to wear those then?
Me- They're nice earrings
Wife- Would I wear purple earrings if they don't match my outfit?
Me- I'm not a fashion consultant, I know you like the earrings so I pointed to them. I don't need to be grilled I was pointing to earrings - you had asked for earrings.
Wife- Jerk

:rolleyes:

GroundedSLF
17th Apr 2009, 16:31
Jimmy - Dont even get me started on earings!

Every year (and I mean every year!) my missus insists on buying new earings (to go with the new outfit) when attending the works Christmas "do".

The 2 issues that I have with this are:

1 - She always wears black - so has f:mad:ing loads of earings that match black outfits.

2 - She has long hair that covers the earings...

Tintop
17th Apr 2009, 16:42
Even better ....

Me - Sitting reading paper in the front room.

Good Lady - Comes in the back door, into the front room, goes up stairs, and just before shes out of earshot .... she shouts - "the back door needs closing, its starting to rain ...."

Trouble is we love em to much and put up with it ....

sisemen
17th Apr 2009, 16:49
Wife (peering over a pile of her clutter): Why do you always leave things so untidily?

Me: I can't hear you. You don't live here anymore. We got divorced 3 years ago.

Me: Sorted :ok:

Other than that I've heard exactly the same exchanges as the other posts. Do they go to school to learn things like that??

Davaar
17th Apr 2009, 17:02
Only it's her car keys

Let me offer the fail-safe Davaar method, used in bachelor days:

1. Enter house.
2. Lock door.
3. Drop keys to floor.
4. Walk on and resume life.
5. Propose to leave house.
6. Go to door.
7. Lift keys off floor.
8. Insert key in lock.
9. Open door.
10.Exit.
11.Lock door.

Since matrimony, my keys have become mobile and elusive, as does or do pen I was using, any book I was reading, any shoes I was wearing, and so on. The second method is, you see, "tidy".

pulse1
17th Apr 2009, 17:03
Me: What time will lunch be ready?

Wife: Well I've got to finish mending this dress, then I've got to write a letter, then I'm going to pop next door.

Me(in a resigned sort of voice): So, what time is lunch? That is, do I have time to go to the pub/wash the car/walk the dog/have a nap (delete where applicable)?

innuendo
17th Apr 2009, 17:06
GSLF
It's exactly the same converse in my domicile. Only it's her car keys.

If the world wanted to end and prevent wars, just give the keys to the equipment to women.

hellsbrink
17th Apr 2009, 17:07
Pah, you don't have to be married or live with someone to get half the exchanges seen here. I get the same with my SIL whenever I visit her!!

"Where's my car keys"

"In your handbag?"

"Where's my handbag"

"Where did you leave it?"

"Don't know. Where do I normally leave it?"

"How the devil do I know, I don't live here!"

(Normally keys are not in handbag, and up to 30 mins is lost looking for keys/bag, and then she forgets something like where she put her cigarettes!!)

:ugh::ugh::ugh:

OFSO
17th Apr 2009, 17:35
pulse 1, you omitted to say that when you asked if you had time to go to the pub etc., the answer was

Wife: No, lunch (or dinner, same thing) will be on the table in five minutes

It's ALWAYS an hour if you are hungry or idle, and five minutes if you are busy

Dushan
17th Apr 2009, 19:19
Cheerio - Don't worry .. it happens in our house, too. I get told .. "have a GIRLS look!!" .. when I can't see it, despite raking through the drawer/cupboard/pantry/fridge with great gusto .... :D

Then .. SHE comes up and says .. "What's this, then??!!" .. and I say .. "but! .. but! .. but! .. it wasn't there, when I looked!! ..."

And the final, withering, answer? .. "That's because you never had a GIRLS LOOK!!! ... " :rolleyes:

It is called Male Refrigerator Blindness.

Me: (looking in the fridge) Do we have any milk left?
She: Yes!
Me: Where?
She: In the fridge... (you get the message...)

mr fish
17th Apr 2009, 20:51
i have a simple statement i use in all the "domestic" situations,

"look love, i'll do the technical stuff--you do the FEELINGS".

mind you, i've had to dodge whatever she happens to be holding
a few times,
tv remotes, books, pens, cats etc:eek:

lexxity
17th Apr 2009, 21:01
Lunch is whenever YOU make it.

Too Short
17th Apr 2009, 21:05
Venus and Mars... just Venus and Mars...

Speaking of which, my Martian has a great knack of turning "just closing my eyes for two minutes" in to a full blown hour's nap, complete with noises most normally emitted from a truffle pig... :p

So it's not just us women folk who are bafflesome! ;)



Oh, and why is it that when we're going out, he waits until I'm ready before even having his shower, thus keeping me waiting?! The audacity! :p

C130 Techie
17th Apr 2009, 21:07
She who must be obeyed managed to go to work in her car with my car keys in her handbag. It's not that difficult really is it?

goudie
17th Apr 2009, 21:31
Coming up for 50 years wed this year and reading this thread makes me realise I've not been alone. Many years ago I inadvertantly threw a minor kitchen item away. Since that distant date, every time something goes missing it's, ''you haven't thrown it away have you''? You've done it before you know!
When asking for clarification for the location of various items I've been asked to fetch ''it's, on/under/in, the thingy'' is the precise reply.
Female logic and memory is a wondrous thing, give me another 50 years and I might have it cracked.

Dushan
17th Apr 2009, 21:38
Female logic and memory is a wondrous thing, give me another 50 years and I might have it cracked.

No sir. You will never crack it. And 50 more years of trying is not worth it...

jimtherev
17th Apr 2009, 22:02
Lunch is whenever YOU make it.

Actually I wouldn't mind doing just that... after I've moved purse, car keys, filofax, mobile (not earrings yet, but...) and all the other stuff from the food prep area. But that takes me into the realm of 'have you moved... whatever it is. Okay, I have to work very hard to find the wooden bits of my desk - but I don't ask anyone to work through my mess. Coo-er, this has developed into a rant. Now see what you've done. :p

hellsbrink
17th Apr 2009, 22:19
Female logic and memory is a wondrous thing, give me another 50 years and I might have it cracked.

Not a chance. You think you've figured them out but what you don't realise is by that time they've "moved the goalposts" to make sure they still confuse the bejaasus out of you.

chiglet
17th Apr 2009, 23:27
Oh, and why is it that when we're going out, he waits until I'm ready before even having his shower, thus keeping me waiting?! The audacity!

What, a woman ready before her fellah even takes his shower :confused: What planet do you live on? 'Cos I want to live there.
Her...has shower, goes to "do" hair.
Me...has another drink, whilst continuing to watch TV.
Her....finishes hair, starts "makeup".
Me...see above.
Her....starts to choose outfit.
Me...thinks about having a shower, then see above.
Her....Finally chooses outfit, and starts to get dressed.
Me...have shower, dress, and wait by the door for another 20 mins until she finally decides that she is "barely" presentable...then off we go....:ugh:

con-pilot
17th Apr 2009, 23:36
What, a woman ready before her fellah even takes his shower What planet do you live on? 'Cos I want to live there.
Her...has shower, goes to "do" hair.
Me...has another drink, whilst continuing to watch TV.
Her....finishes hair, starts "makeup".
Me...see above.
Her....starts to choose outfit.
Me...thinks about having a shower, then see above.
Her....Finally chooses outfit, and starts to get dressed.
Me...have shower, dress, and wait by the door for another 20 mins until she finally decides that she is "barely" presentable...then off we go....

Dang, you have the same wife that I do.

Then, when your wife is finished getting ready, does she come into where you are, I'm usually sitting in the bar watching TV, and announce, "Well, lets go, what are you sitting there for, we're going to be late." :p

Howard Hughes
17th Apr 2009, 23:39
And once all this is over and you have turned the house upside down, she says "see there it is, right where I told you it would be, you must have had a 'mans look'...":rolleyes:

kiwi chick
17th Apr 2009, 23:51
We're just messing with your minds. :E

And they're called Man Eyes.

Him: Where my work socks?
Me: In the same f:mad:g drawer that they have been in for the last 9 years.

Divorce worked wonders.:ok:

Mudfoot
18th Apr 2009, 00:03
Oh, just admit it ladies: once we men figure out the game, YOU change the RULES! :confused:

Cheers, y'all!

ShyTorque
18th Apr 2009, 01:24
Wife's gone out for the afternoon; I'm getting ready for work, new job.

Where's me car and house keys??? They were on the table, just there.... :confused:

Must be in the bedroom..no, nor the kitchen, nor the loo and the garage.

Must get to work, go now or I'll be late.....

I wonder if wife knows where they are... I'll ring her mobile.

Ring, ring, ring ring. How come I can hear her phone? Damn, she's forgotten it again, it's in her other jacket, hanging behind the door.

WHERESMYEFFINKEYS?
HOWAMIGOINTERGETTERWORK?
HOWTHEEFFAMIGOINTERLOCKTHEHOUSEDOORSUP?

I know, I'll have to go on the motorbike. Bike out of garage, me in biking gear, very hot and angry by now. Have to leave all doors unlocked apart from ones with spare keys. Roar off. Arrive at work, late, still hot and bothered.

"Ah", says a new colleague, "Now that's a nice bike - I'll fetch the lads to have a look!"

"Oh, nice", thinks I, "here I go". Bloody bike is still on a foreign plate, no MOT or Road tax because it's not registered in UK.... :uhoh:

"The Lads" spend a good ten minutes looking round it, asking polite questions about the bike, it's history, not a UK model, Mm, very nice, etc etc.

Thing is, they're all coppers because I'm working at the police HQ..... talk about the lions' den..

Later that night, on arriving home: "Why did you go to work on your bike - I thought it's not road legal yet ...and why did you leave all the doors unlocked? What do you think you've been up to?"

"Right"! says I. "Turn out yer pockets and yer 'andbag.....

There they are, my keys......in her bag :rolleyes:

"Ooh, giggle, giggle - did I have them? Now that's funny; is that why you tried to get me on my phone? I saw there was a missed call when I got home and found it there; Ooh, I must have taken your keys instead of my phone, giggle" :cool:

Me:" :* women...." :ugh:

V2-OMG!
18th Apr 2009, 02:32
What really bugs me about some men is this: they can't find anything in the daylight, but have no problem finding a woman's you-know-what (or you-know-whats) in the dark.

It's invalidating.

kiwi chick
18th Apr 2009, 02:37
Hahahahahahaha!! :D:D

CityofFlight
18th Apr 2009, 02:40
V2... I've known a couple of men who couldn't find THAT in the dark very well at all!! :rolleyes: :p

con-pilot
18th Apr 2009, 02:42
Never mind. :O

kiwi chick
18th Apr 2009, 02:53
I've had a couple of men who couldn't find it. Fullstop. :E

Dushan
18th Apr 2009, 03:02
What Con-pilot said.

hellsbrink
18th Apr 2009, 03:17
What really bugs me about some men is this: they can't find anything in the daylight, but have no problem finding a woman's you-know-what (or you-know-whats) in the dark.

That's because we don't need to see to find them bits........

fernytickles
18th Apr 2009, 03:21
Magnus P - I like your story best so far - larfed out loud, so I did :D

Car keys? Leave them in the car, in the locked garage - where's the problem? Well, at least thats what I do :) House keys? Ahhh, lost those the first year after we moved here.....

Lunch - on yer own there...

Technical stuff - well, I just installed the new shower head in the spare bathroom, and fixed the mailbox, and cut the grass, and paid the bills, and organised the aircraft annual, and made supper, and, well, you get the idea...... All without chipping me nail polish :p

Sometimes you just gotta blow your own trumpet :ok:

His job is to make sure some interesting programmes are downloaded so I can be entertained whilst doodling on pprune of an evening.

CityofFlight
18th Apr 2009, 03:34
ooh, ferneytickles, perfect thread drift.... Women are great at multi tasking. I can often remember where HE put stuff down last.

All I ask in return is HE be the dragon slayer of bugs and varmits and if things have gone bad in the back of the fridge for too long and fingers are nearly poking out--well he can be the tosser.... take my new gizmo-gadget and show me how to work it (hate manuals), and love me for my wee imperfections. In return...well, he'll be spoiled royally. ;)

hei yu
18th Apr 2009, 04:44
Reminds me of that old tale ....

A man was walking down the beach, watching the tides roll in, when comes across an old lamp.

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says "I'll give you two wishes for freeing me.What's your first wish?"

"Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge from the East coast of Australia to Hawaii?" the man asks.

The Genie thinks about this for a few moments and then tells the guy "Well, it will take a lot of material, a lot of time and a lot of planning. It's not very practical. In fact, it's almost impossible. And what would your second wish be."

The guy thinks for a few minutes and then says "Well, I've always wondered how women think. What makes them the way they are and what makes them tick?"

The genie looks at the guy and asks "Will that be two lanes or four?

Solar
18th Apr 2009, 05:19
Me coming in the back door around dinner time and see the spuds on the cooker and wondering if I have time for a shower or just a quick handwash innocently inquiring, "how long will the dinner be?"
Reply from Mrs S: I'm just waiting for the spuds to boil.
How do I know when the spuds were started?
I'm not entirely stupid though, I now ask if I have time for a shower.
Who says you can't learn after 37 years.

Jumbo744
18th Apr 2009, 07:03
oh my god i don't want to get married :yuk:

don't they say Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener ? :D

ShyTorque
18th Apr 2009, 10:12
I've had a couple of men who couldn't find it.

Best never to let go of it...

vonbag
18th Apr 2009, 10:22
Taking exception from the anatomical digression,
I cannot complain of anything on this matter,
I do everything for my half as she does everything for me.


This, on my part, includes cooking everyday, doing house cleaning, et cetera ... she does all the rest not included in the cetera part ;-)

Paradise Lost
18th Apr 2009, 12:09
How can anyone enjoy shopping that much? If the memsahib (+2 misses) went shopping every day for a year, they'd still have "nothing to wear" for any social event! Between the three of them, they could open a hypermarket for shoes and clothes.........but they NEVER have anything to wear????????????????

BOFH
18th Apr 2009, 13:07
con-pilot

Arrrrggghhhh!

Thankfully the Blonde Piranha (Mrs BOFH) is off in student digs at the moment, but you did bring back a few memories.

BP (relying upon my half-hearted attempt at studying Medicine 25 years ago): My finger hurts.
BOFH (examines uninjured finger): When did you notice it? Have you had any trauma, anything sudden happen to it, is there anything else wrong or sore?
BP: No, it's been just there for about a week.
BOFH: You've been writing a lot. Give it another week and then see a quack.

BP decided that's not good enough, tells me how stupid and worthless I am and goes to a Drop-Dead NHS Centre. She waits 90 minutes, they X-ray it and tell her to give it another week and then see a quack.

I'm not sure what to make of this. What's the jolly point of asking me for advice if she'll dismiss it, and moreover, give me a kicking?

Next time, I'll suggest calling 999. Not for her medical condition, but because someone's shot himself.

That said, I love Mrs BOFH to pieces. The inanity adds to the joy of life.

BOFH

Moira
18th Apr 2009, 17:42
This, on my part, includes cooking everyday, doing house cleaning, et cetera ... she does all the rest not included in the cetera part ;-)

:ugh: why haven't I ever come across someone like that!? :E

hellsbrink
18th Apr 2009, 18:26
why haven't I ever come across someone like that!?

Oh, there's plenty out there. Some of us men can be quite domesticated, you know.

larssnowpharter
18th Apr 2009, 19:18
Oh, there's plenty out there. Some of us men can be quite domesticated, you know.

I have been following this thread and wondering if there is something wrong with me.

I come home in the evening and 80% of the time cook the evening meal. Love it.

It is my opportunity to be a bit creative and to do something - albeit a little thing - for my Lady.

For her part, she organizes me; when I go to work, everything I need is sitting in the little basket we use: wallet, car keys, phone etc.

It is me who has to ask her where something is. When that question is asked, she gets it for me and I thank her because we look after each other in our own ways.

It is a partnership. :ok:

Moira
18th Apr 2009, 19:52
Oh, there's plenty out there. Some of us men can be quite domesticated, you know.

Must have been looking in the wrong places!!! :}

hellsbrink
18th Apr 2009, 20:00
Obviously, Moira


(I know a good bar in Antwerpen..... :E )

Moira
18th Apr 2009, 21:54
Antwerpen?????
Nah, believe me, 'tis better here in good old 'Limbabwe', Hellsbrink! :E
(spent a year of my studies in Antwerp, I'll never forgive them for that expression! ;))

hellsbrink
18th Apr 2009, 22:02
Ahhh, Moira, some of us are more civilised than that

B Fraser
18th Apr 2009, 22:04
I've had a couple of men who couldn't find it.

Find the back of the neck, head South, count to two.

If you can only find the front of the neck, repeat the process noting that number one is the belly button.

:ok:

CityofFlight
18th Apr 2009, 23:26
Why, Mr. Fraser... it's as if you read the instruction manual !! :p ;)

Whirlygig
18th Apr 2009, 23:32
Beef, even then I'm not sure you've found "it". :O :uhoh:

Cheers

Whirls

traveler
19th Apr 2009, 00:42
It's a good thing they're so cute !

goudie
19th Apr 2009, 10:26
What is 'it' that every one's looking for?

Paradise Lost
19th Apr 2009, 10:52
What is 'it' that every one's looking for?

goudie, I'm afraid that at 72 if you haven't found the answer, you are either too young still, or you haven't been trying HARD enough...........

goudie
19th Apr 2009, 11:47
PL I'll opt for the 'too young'. Seems I've got something to look forward to.
Hope I like 'it'!

RJM
19th Apr 2009, 12:00
You will, goudie... :E

kiwi chick
19th Apr 2009, 12:05
Rumour has it Goudie that "it" is as elusive as two perfect landing in a row. :ok:

goudie
19th Apr 2009, 12:13
Well I suppose a good approach is the key Kiwi Chick. You're an experienced lady. Any tips?

kiwi chick
19th Apr 2009, 12:19
Haha, Goudie, I could never kiss and tell!



Unless it you was you I was kissing of course :E


You know the old cliche... "if you want something done properly, do it yourself"

goudie
19th Apr 2009, 12:24
Unless it you was you I was kissing of course http://static.pprune.org/images/smilies/evil.gif

I'm gonna have to lie down now!

kiwi chick
19th Apr 2009, 12:40
Hahaha! Well, unfortunately, I have to now too.

Bedtime here, need my beauty sleep. Night. :)

max1
19th Apr 2009, 12:46
Any truth to the rumour that Cl!toris is a village in Greece?

green granite
19th Apr 2009, 13:03
I've just had this surreal conversation with my other half.

Me "Where shall we go on holiday this year"
O/H "I don't mind but Cornwall would be nice"
Me "The same cottage as last time?"
O/H "I don't want to stay in a cottage I want to go to an hotel"
Me "Why?"
O/H "I don't have to cook"
Me "that's ok we can eat out every day"
O/H "How can I you know I'm on a diet"
Me "What's the difference between living and eating in an hotel and going to that hotel for a meal each evening. apart from saving about 600?"
O/H "You don't love me any more you're treating me like s**t". Followed by floods of tears. :ugh::ugh:

sisemen
19th Apr 2009, 14:31
At least you'll be qualified to write a post on the "When did you realise that your marriage was at an end" thread :}

Pontius Navigator
19th Apr 2009, 14:47
Yeah, my car keys, her jacket.

Got a key locator - waste of money says she.

One day, at work, phone call, have you got the car keys? No.

Searched high and low, you must have them. No.

Then remembered the clincher - YOU drove the car out of the drive to let me get out to go to work. THEN you drove it back in again. YOU had the keys last. Get out of that one :}

Then she had a brainwave - where's the locator?

Then had to tell her how to use it. Later, at home, did you find the keys?

Yes, she said. Where were they? On the patio table.

Mmm, it is mid-winter and she has never left them there before.

Pontius Navigator
19th Apr 2009, 14:50
ooh, ferneytickles, perfect thread drift.... Women are great at multi tasking. I can often remember where HE put stuff down last.

And where you moved it to!

Pontius Navigator
19th Apr 2009, 14:56
What, a woman ready before her fellah even takes his shower :confused: What planet do you live on? 'Cos I want to live there.
Her...has shower, goes to "do" hair.
Me...has another drink, whilst continuing to watch TV.
Her....finishes hair, starts "makeup".
Me...see above.
Her....starts to choose outfit.
Me...thinks about having a shower, then see above.
Her....Finally chooses outfit, and starts to get dressed.
Me...have shower, dress, and wait by the door for another 20 mins until she finally decides that she is "barely" presentable...then off we go....:ugh:

You left a couple of bits out:

Her... decides dress is wrong and takes dress off.
Me... has another drink
Her... is this dress OK?
Me... yes dear now come on.

Her... leaves bedroom like jumble sale, clothes piled high.
Us. . . return home, dump clothes on floor, fall in to bed

Her... takes all yesterday's discarded clothes and single socks on mine and dumps in bin

Me... looks at collection of 9 invididual unmatched socks and wonder if their twin will ever appear.

Of course you know what happens next

CityofFlight
19th Apr 2009, 16:01
Quote:
Originally Posted by CityofFlight http://static.pprune.org/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/370367-why-cant-women-just-answer-fing-question-post4868810.html#post4868810)
ooh, ferneytickles, perfect thread drift.... Women are great at multi tasking. I can often remember where HE put stuff down last.


And where you moved it to!


Nope. Not me. My feeling is that he might remember and I might not, so just remember that I saw it and where. :ok: ;)

Foss
19th Apr 2009, 17:45
It's the phone calls always get me.
Phone rings, I answer.
'Hello'
'Where are you?'
'In the kitchen answering the phone, where else could I possibly be, the hall?'
'Don't be rude to me.'

Work phone rings, I answer.
'Hello?'
'Are you in work?'
'No, I'm at fecking home for God's sake.'
'You couldn't be, your car isn't here.'
:ugh::ugh::ugh:

Her, with two mobiles. Flustered.
'Where's my mobile, where's my mobile.'
'Work one or your one?'
'The one that has a ringtone.'
Take that in my stride (ignore it)
Ring her own phone from mine.
Faint warble from a handbag.
'Oh, there it is, lucky someone called.'

chiglet
19th Apr 2009, 17:58
Foss....
Seen it, done it etc......:mad: wimmin

V2-OMG!
19th Apr 2009, 18:28
Any truth to the rumour that Cl!toris is a village in Greece?

I thought she was an actress. You know, Mary Richards' girlfriend and the one who had the judges kissing her leg on "Dancing With the Stars,"
Cl!toris Leachman.

http://pic80.picturetrail.com/VOL1942/12014112/21796710/361875888.jpg

alwayzinit
19th Apr 2009, 18:30
Having had "the cars keys thing" over and over opted for the not inexpensive keyless option on the new wheels.

Her keys, my keys, right?

My keys with my wallet +phone by bed.

Hers in bag, should never have to be removed ...............ever.....but just in case got one of those big cork ball key rings for her so if needed she could find her keys in her hand sack.

Simple all she has to do is grab her bag and Bobs your uncle, vroom. No worries.

You know it ...............now she has both sets of key in her sack and can't find either.:* AAAAAAARGH

Foss
19th Apr 2009, 18:57
Darling ex beloved from a few years back was great with keys.
I'd meet her for lunch sometimes then getting up to leave she'd stuff everything into a bag phones, car keys, purse, then start hoking it all out again one bit at a time.

'Nope, that's not it, nope, that's not it... oh, there's a lipstick, nope, that's not it.'
'Darling. What are you doing?'
'Looking for my 2.30 front door key.'
She was an estate agent.

Grabbers
19th Apr 2009, 20:33
Gentlemen

I've always found this helps entertain me when my wife is in need of some lost key cheering up; a patronising pat on the head, accompanied by the following words, in a sing-song style: "Aaww, is somebody feeling a little pre-menstrual?"
:E

goudie
19th Apr 2009, 20:43
Grabbers, where can I buy your book 'How to flirt with death and survive'?

Foss
19th Apr 2009, 21:58
That's a great idea. :uhoh:

alwayslookingup
19th Apr 2009, 23:31
Mmmm. Female logic (1)

A long time ago at a business meeting myself and a female colleague took a walk around the hotel grounds for some fresh air after lunch. Walking back to the hotel she looked up at some cars parked next to the fornt door.
"Oh that's a nice car," she says.
"Which one," I reply.
"The blue one."
"You mean the Calibra," I say (as that was the only blue car there).
"Oh, is it a Calibra," she says, "I don't like Calibras!"
"But you just said it was a nice car," says I.
"Yes, but that was before I knew it was a Calibra."

Female logic (2)

A few years ago I cooked dinner for the in laws. One dish was a fennel and onion casserole (of the vegetarian persuasion).

Mother in law, "This lovely, what's in it?"
Me, rhymes off ingredients, which included a tin of tomatoes.
MiL, "Oh, has it got tomatoes in it, I don't like tomatoes." Whereupon she ended her enjoyment and spent the rest of the meal satisfying her hunger with bread and butter!

alwayslookingup
19th Apr 2009, 23:38
Ordinarily I'm not too keen on these type of round robin emails, but this one came in today and seems kid of appropriate to this discussion. Enjoy.NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fire.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man... That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

ShyTorque
19th Apr 2009, 23:57
Find the back of the neck, head South, count to two.


Wasn't that the motto of the Boston Strangler? ( :} )

sisemen
20th Apr 2009, 02:53
Says it all :ok:

YouTube - Harry Enfield sketch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NtCDwJuYWA&search=harry%20enfield%20women)

belfrybat
20th Apr 2009, 05:13
Doorbell rings, Bat leaves back-room, crosses the house and opens. Wife outside, "Couldn't find the key, bag's too full". A few days later, same story, except "I think I left the key at home". Hmmm, so how did you lock when you left?:sad:

Once again, this time it's the daughter, left the key at her boyfriend's. Must be dozens of our keys at the BF's residence by now.:hmm:

We both smoke, different brands. Except she keeps smoking mine.:suspect: The house is littered with half-packs of hers, but she never seems to find them, and grabs mine.

Lighters, same story:ugh:. I've learned to keep a close eye on mine, as if when she borrows it she'll put it anywhere handy and plain forget about it.:suspect:

GroundedSLF
20th Apr 2009, 08:25
Ever noticed women clothes shopping? Please tell me the answers to the following, as for the life of me I just dont "get it"...

1) Why to you have to touch items of clothing - even items that you have no intention of buying?

2) Why do you go into the "petite" section - hand on heart you know they wont fit, so you are just gonna depress yourself.

3) When you and a man are headed towards the same isle (the man is usually following a woman and has a glum expression on his face), why do you add a spurt of speed so that you arrive at the entrance to the isle just ahead of the man, and then stop and do number 1?

:confused:

Tintop
20th Apr 2009, 08:33
Just an absolute classic weekend .... and classic "partner story"

Yesterday morning, feeling a little dusty after a good night out, we discuss our plans for the day. As i peer over the end of the bed the weather looks quite nice, so my better half decides she would like to spend the day in the garden. No problems, as I quite like it to be honest - Anyway here goes ....

Good Lady - I'm going to do all these pots as I bought some bedding plants.
Me - Great I'll crack on with the lawn.
GL - Be a love and fetch me some compost from the garden centre.
Me - Ok, see you in half an hour.

Return back carry three large bags round the back of the hose and plonk on patio.

GL - Not there, im working here ....
Me - Look of dissbelief .....

So I move the bags and place next to her potting station.

GL - Now can I have the big white pot from over there ...

Then,

GL - Can you fill it 3/4 full of compost ....

She then plonks three feeble looking things in it

GL - Right that needs wiping and then putting over there ...

At this point, after biting my lip and smiling, the silence was broken ...

Me - Which bit of you doing these stupid frigging pots are you doing ......

GL - Stop being so grumpy, you should be glad she was willing to help .....

Now, after escaping to the tip and nipping into the local on the way home, my mates have all agreed that we are all in the same boat, and half the fun is telling said tales down the bar, which just proves that love em or hate em, we wouldn't be with out them ....

There all just mad ......

GANNET FAN
20th Apr 2009, 08:50
This is posted in memory of one of the great cartoon characters ever, Andy Capp. I've never forgotten this one.

Andy lying on the sofa, fag out of mouth, about to do the crossword.

Andy to Missus. "Flo, where's me pencil"
Flo doing the ironing, " behind yer ear"
Ady, "don't muck about woman, which ear"

Classic

kiwi chick
20th Apr 2009, 10:38
Oh go on, you lot....

Admit it. You couldn't live without us! :E

goudie
20th Apr 2009, 10:55
Admit it. You couldn't live without us! http://static.pprune.org/images/smilies/evil.gif

True. It's a cruel world, is it not?!


My favourite cartoon re. the sexes.
Two women gossiping over the garden fence.
One says, ''I must go, I don't like to leave Fred for too long without contradicting him!''

denis555
20th Apr 2009, 11:08
This thread got the hackles up as I regularly used to stay with an Aunt who saw me as an unpaid 'gopher.

Aunt: Go get my (insert an occasionally used item here) will you?
Me: Ok where is it?
Aunt: On the dressing table in my bedroom
Me: It's not there.Aunt: Well it's there somewhere - find it!
( OK i was going to get the item - now I have to FIND it too - and her room looked like several tipper lorries full of make up bottles, various laundry items, old newspapers and magazines etc etc.)

There then followed a ten minute ransacking of the room by myself without spotting said item followed by my Aunt flying in to a rage at me for not finding it...

...and I was 10 years old and ( unlike my wife ) could not answer my Aunt back.

To me, Hell will be eternity looking for a Denman hairbrush or spare batteries or anything from that bloody bedroom!

Flap 5
20th Apr 2009, 11:25
My daughter started young at just 3 years old, or so, she falls off the back of the sofa and hurts herself. She comes over to me crying and me, showing concern, asks her where she had her hurt herself. She turns and points over to the sofa and says: 'over there'.

heliski22
20th Apr 2009, 11:45
Doing a gig in New York, Robin Williams once said:

"If women ruled the world, there'd be no wars! There'd be some intense negotiation every 28 days, but there'd be no wars!"

Gordon17
20th Apr 2009, 11:51
My wife often doesn't answer the question that was asked -
Me - What time are we going out?
Her - After I've done, x, y, z.
Me - So what time are we going out?

But she saves her best for directions -
Me (Driving) - Right how do we get there?
Her - You know where Geoff and Caroline live? It's near there.
Me - I don't know where they live, how do we get there, from here?
Her - It's near Hemel Hempstead.
Me - Can you just tell me which way to turn at the end of the road please?

Foss
20th Apr 2009, 11:55
Flap 5 http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-002.gif

Another phone call one. Working in Glasgow, darling beloved driving home to Northern Ireland. Where I lived was right on the road going through Glasgow, follow that, then out and you're away.
Tearful phonecall.
'I'm lost, I can't get out of Glasgow (lower lip going, sniffle).'
'Alright, I'll leave work come and get you and you can follow me, where are you?'
'On the motorway.'
'The motorway? Are you sure. Which bit?'
'I don't know, there's shops.'
(shops on the motorway, unlikely)
'If you see a pub, stop. I'll find the pub.'

Dushan
20th Apr 2009, 12:53
Me: "Do you know where we're going"?
She: "Yes"
Me: "How do we get to [insert friend's house, store, restaurant]?
She: "I don't know how to get there"
Me: "You said you knew"
She: "I know where it is, but I don't know how to get there":ugh::ugh::ugh:

OFSO
20th Apr 2009, 13:58
Yes Dushan, but my wife (not me) knew where that cafe was in Paris, didn't she ! (Mind you the waiter was a bit of a bonus we didn't expect).

R

Ancient Observer
20th Apr 2009, 14:11
My current complaint is that when I shout "where are you?" the normal reply is "here".
If I knew where "here" was, I wouldn't have asked, would I???

belfrybat
20th Apr 2009, 14:44
Me reading the paper, she's out in the plot.
She: Bat!
Me: Yes?
She: Bat!
Me: Seems she didn't hear me, so increase voice a bit. Yes?
She: Bat!
Me: Increase voice a bit more. Yes?
She: Bat!
Me: Dial voice to 10. YES!
She: OH NOTHING!!!!! in a really grossed out tone.

So I finally get up and go see what's it she wants. Find her close to tears.:{
She, furious: I don't want anything, you yelled at me!!!!!!!!:eek:

Moral: When the wife calls, get off yer @rse and run to attend her wishes first time around.:ugh:

heliski22
20th Apr 2009, 15:18
A man got up one Christmas morning to find a small present by his bed from his wife. He opened it and found two quality silk ties. Being partial to good ties, he was quited pleased and thanked the good lady. A Little later, after showering, shaving and....... getting dressed, he looked at the two ties to decide which one he'd wear for Christmas day, the Red one or the Blue one.

After some careful deliberation, he selected the Red one and trotted off downstairs.

Madame spied him on his way down, took a look and said.........

"Did you not like the Blue one?"

I've told this story to my kids (2 girls, one boy) and on a number of occasions already, each one has looked at me with palms outstretched, eye-brows raised in response to something Madame has said and asked....

"Red tie, Blue tie?"

I just smile and nod!!

parabellum
21st Apr 2009, 02:28
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

V2-OMG!
22nd Apr 2009, 19:38
Car keys are akin to one's virtue.

One minute you have it -
and then you don't.

heliski22
22nd Apr 2009, 19:47
From "The Cowboy's Guide to Life"....

There are two theories to arguin' with women - ain't neither one of 'em works!

Rollingthunder
22nd Apr 2009, 19:54
Always drink upstream from the herd.

ShyTorque
23rd Apr 2009, 09:31
Wife's van was being serviced so she borrowed my car for the day for some deliveries. About two hours later I had a phone call....."Your ****dy car alarm is going off and it won't start" :{

"OK, where are you?"

"I don't know!!"

"But you're doing a delivery......??"

"Yes, but I'm not near there..."

"WTF :confused: "Which town?"

"It's near *********; I'm behind a Co-Op! Come and help me. Oh, my phone is about to cut off, the battery's flat....beeep, click". (She NEVER charged up her phone, too difficult).

I rang her shop to see if there was anyone with some common sense on duty. I got a list of where she was delivering to. I rang the garage, her van wasn't ready, so I got the old motorbike out and set off to find her.

An hour later, I saw her standing on a corner. I pulled in, she was furious, I'd taken a long time finding her. :ugh:

The car was round the back. I took the key from her, pressed the button, the car unlocked. I put the key in the ignition and the engine started immediately.

That wasn't good enough, I'd obviously done this just to annoy her. She'd not used the central locking key remote, instead she had put the key in the door, opened it and set the alarm off. If she'd put the key in the ignition and started the engine within 30 seconds, everything would have been OK. Instead, she had locked the door again in an attempt to stop the alarm, changed her mind, then unlocked the door again and tried to start the car. By now the alarm was convinced she was a thief so the immobiliser worked as advertised. This was all my fault, of course. It didn't help to point out that her car worked in exactly the same way.

I asked her why she hadn't just used the unlock button on the key and was told "You think you're clever, don't you?"

At this stage I got back on my bike and left....... :rolleyes:

hardhatter
23rd Apr 2009, 12:28
Happily married with one easy solution to all those problems: she is always right, even when she is wrong. :E

MagnusP
23rd Apr 2009, 12:37
"I'm over at Heather's and neither of us can get your car to start."

(Note: her car when it works, my car when it doesn't)

Bo!!ocks; only one car back then. :( 25 minute walk. Open door, place car in park ("DON'T LEAVE IT IN DRIVE YA DOZY MIDDEN". Silently, of course.), turn key, listen to 4.1 litres purring happily, stamp off home in disgust. :ugh:

goudie
23rd Apr 2009, 12:53
Mrs G goes shopping in my car with friend. Recieve phone call to say car doors won't open.
'' When you press the key button do the amber lights flash?'' say I.
''No! Oh hang on another car just like yours has it's lights flashing, why's that?''. Oh it is yours, bye!''

Cheerio
23rd Apr 2009, 13:10
'And how was your day?' You don't have to ask!

I know every detail of Mrs C's 9-5 personality clashes, arguments, bitch fights etc at work. I hear it the second I get home every day for a 30 minute intensive briefing, or more if it was particularly taxing.

Just as I knew the same from my mothers working day.

My kids aren't actually sure what I do, I talk about it so little. One is convinced I'm a spy.......

But this hides an interesting little nugget. The oft cited idea that men 'have it easy' I don't deny it. But! We have something women don't. Wives! Your problems are our problems. You try keeping one happy! :}

We love them though. ;)

Devlin Carnet
23rd Apr 2009, 15:06
The cabinet in our bathroom is approx 3' x 2' and 6 inches deep.
You cant fully close the door its so full.
I use 1 bar of soap and occasionally some shampoo.

MagnusP
23rd Apr 2009, 15:10
Devlin Carnet: Shampoo? Yer a ponce. :ok:

ShyTorque
23rd Apr 2009, 17:20
With hair.

Devlin Carnet
24th Apr 2009, 11:28
Yeah, Mebbe, But I do draw the line at Conditioner.:ok: