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Schumi - Red Baron
10th Apr 2009, 12:31
Dunno if this has been done before... But couldn't find it....
Anyway, any real life funny incident which you want to share...

I'll start...

Last year, while checking out from a supermarket there was a young stunning girl, who came at the counter and asked the check out guy "are all these umbrellas water proof"...

I couldn't stop laughing... :8

Roger Sofarover
10th Apr 2009, 13:06
Many year ago after being given a really awful posting in the military, I decided that my parting gift to my sqn boss would be a large bottom on a wooden plaque with a cricket bat shoved up it. I got the board and bat no problem, I then went around 'stockport' in search of a large comedy bottom (the ones in joke shops like comedy breasts). I found a beauty and asked the young girl behind the counter to pass it to me. I was feeling this and ogling it obviouslyconcentrating and thinking, 'can I get the cricket bat through this', without thinking and still staring at the bottom I said to the girl 'do you think it would take this rubber long to tear if i put a hole in it', I looked up because of the long silence to meet the girls eyes, plainly disgusted saying 'i really wouldn't know'. Realising my error, i said nothing handed over a fiver and walked out with my head (and my new arse) in my hands.:}

frostbite
10th Apr 2009, 15:00
Comedian in my local motor accessory shop when I asked for some 2T oil for my brushcutter.

I only wanted about 100ml, so when presented with a 500ml bottle, said "That's a lot more than I need". "I can tip some out for you" was the helpful reply.

hellsbrink
10th Apr 2009, 16:12
Someone I worked with asked me "Why do they put the cellphone transmitters on top of the hills instead of down in the middle of the town where everyone uses their phones?"


After telling stepkids that one of their cousins was going to San Francisco on vacation, youngest stepkid (aged 19 at the time) asks, and she was serious, "Are you driving her there?"

jimtherev
10th Apr 2009, 16:31
Passing over Borough Market Railway Junction in Sarf London, one woman:

"That's the Caffedral down there, innit?"

Second woman

"Yeah. Wot a b****y silly place to put it, right next to the railway"

tony draper
10th Apr 2009, 16:38
Driving over the Tyne Bridge once young chap in the back of the cars say
"you know no ships use this river now"
"Hmmm yes"
"Why dont they just fill it in then"
:uhoh:

OFSO
10th Apr 2009, 17:17
Many eons ago while working for the day in Paris, I suffered a ghastly sore throat. On going to the 'pharmacia' for assistance, I was given antibiotics in the form of a suppository (those who know France will be aware that our Gaullic cousins are fearful of damaging their stomachs, livers etc., so frequently dispense medicine in the form of suppositories and not pills). However, I digress......

The night before I left I had been feeling rather better, and had indulged on onion soup at my favourite bistro at the Ecole Militaire. Several bowls in fact. The next morning, although my throat was much improved, I remembered that with antibiotics it is always important to take the full dose, so before leaving my hotel I inserted the little capsule in the appropriate place, paid and took a taxi to Charles de Gaulle to catch the Air France flight back to Frankfurt a.M.

It was while crossing the concourse at that airport that onion-soup-driven stirrings in my abdomen made me aware that all was not well and something was about to happen. In the words of the Big Yin, "I hadn'a long to wait". A horrendous flatulance was brewing, and having forgotten that the portal normally reserved for the release of such noisesome vapours was temporarily blocked with a product of the French pharmaceutical industry, I gently eased one leg away from the other to reduce the decibel level, and awaited the enjoyment consequent on the expected drop in inward pressure.

Indeed, the expected happened, but I was not prepared for all the consequences. Like a projectile from a smooth-bore cannon, the suppository was blasted from my rear end, and evading by some amazing feat of navigation my underwear it shot down my left leg, bounced off the floor and disappeared in the distance.

I looked around in some embarassment, hoping nobody had seen, and indeed at first sight it appeared as if I would get away with the consequences of my projectile enthusiasm. Then I saw approaching me three French nuns, stout matrons, in their usual black and white vestments. Oh no ! Had they seen my awful deed ? Was I about to be chastised for farting in a public place, by representatives of the Roman Church ?

With an apocalyptic suddenness, the brogue shoe of the central and stoutest nun descended on the gelatanous capsule which had shortly before nestled snugly in my anus. Her foot skidded out in front of her and despite heroic attempts, her other leg failed in attempts to keep up - speeding up she accelerated across the polished floor, teetering on that one shoe lubricated by my faithful rectal friend.

With a doppler-shifted wail of "Mon Dieu" and followed by her sisters-in-holy-arms, she disappeared at ever-increasing speed towards the row of shops selling trinkets, perfumes, and other goods, and I speedily made my way to my waiting 737-200 and the covering whine of the mighty CFM-56's.

I didn't stop sniggering until we were on short final at Rhine-Main.

Avitor
10th Apr 2009, 17:39
At a level crossing on one of the fastest sections of the permanent way, a new type train roared past. (You know, one engine at the front and one at the rear!)
I said casually to my partner....these new trains don't have a steering wheel, she replied, oh! don't they!

A mile up the road, she turned to me and asked what I had said back at that crossing, seeing the look on her face, I told her I'd forgotten.

Foss
10th Apr 2009, 19:01
This afternoon.
Walking along the coast.
Middle aged woman looking at a cargo vessel making hard going against a 8 knot current, probably more.
To her other woman mate.
'How do they steer when they hit the rocks?'

Shut up, keep walking.

Only beaten by an all time favourite from a girl.
'What's Port?'
'Left, four letters, like port. Check your shoes.'
'Does that change when we go home?'
A dunk dunk sound downstairs as a WW2 Navy Commander whaps his head of a navigation table after hearing this.

pulse1
10th Apr 2009, 19:10
Drove west down to Families Day at Dartmouth Naval College early one bright and sunny morning.
Making polite conversation with a Lt Commander, he asked where we had come from.

Me, "Poole."
Lt Cmdr. "You must have had the sun in your eyes most of the way?"
Me. "No, it was actually behind us". :confused:

radeng
10th Apr 2009, 19:14
Abbey Wood railway station, London SE2. Time: 0815 one day in 1974. Car stops at closed level crossing (they had one there then). Car rams into the back of him. Both drivers get out. Car in front driven by guy of obvious West Indian extraction. Car behind driven by guy of Indian/Pakistani extraction.

Altercation follows. Eventually, the Indian extraction guy shouts (I quote)

'You f******* n******** think we Indians know f******* nothing, but I tell you, we know f**** all!

Large number of commuters overcome with laughter - which didn't help the situation.

Made my day!

Fantome
10th Apr 2009, 19:14
With a doppler-shifted wail of "Mon Dieu" and followed by her sisters-in-holy-arms, she disappeared at ever-increasing speed towards the row of shops selling trinkets, perfumes, and other goods, and I speedily made my way to my waiting 737-200 and the covering whine of the mighty CFM-56's.


Crikey OFSO, that one's got all the hallmarks of a 'shaggy dog', without the tail ender. Or a non-erotic dream. A Dave Allen went -

Bloody dogs. Crap anywhere. Everywhere. Even right on the doorstep of the front bar at m' local. Only yesterday stepped on one there as I was goin' through at a pace nursin' m' thirst. Arse over tit. Five minutes later, big bastard comes rockin' in. Does just the same and measures 'is length. Went to help the bugger up and I says pointin' I JUST DID THAT! Broke m' bloody jaw he did the mongrel.


'You f******* n******** think we Indians know f******* nothing, but I tell you, we know f**** all!


A ripper rad. Same as, from a German POW camp commander bawling out the prisoners who were very busy digging tunnels under the goon's noses.


Mascot, early fifties. Ch.ch.Chris B.Braund in DC-3 told to hold while Cat amphib crosses in front. Chris picks up mic. " 'D.d did you b.build it y.yourself? "

Rob Courtney
10th Apr 2009, 19:15
sitting doing the local quiz, the question came.. "Ronnie Barker is one half of the two Ronnies, who is the other" "I know that" my missues said and wrote Sid Little on the answer sheet.

Before you ask yes she is blonde!

Sprogget
10th Apr 2009, 19:24
Sis in law answering Triv Pursuit question at Christmas. What astronomer discovered the earth was not at the centre of the universe?

Answer: Copper-knickers.:ugh:

Fantome
10th Apr 2009, 19:30
My bro, Davo, aged five comes home from Sunday School. Mum - 'Learn anything this morning, Davo?' 'Yeth. Our father. Tartin 'eaven. Harold be thy name.'

Foss
10th Apr 2009, 19:46
To be fair. It's not just girls.

My walking mate, who is also blond.
Absolutely crap at map reading.
'How can you read a map in the kitchen.'
Ignore that carry on.

Start again, 'Look this is North, it's red.'
'Line up the lines.'
Ignore anything to do with the sun or the stars.
'Look, it's the water over that way. Either West or wet. Simple.'

Hours later. Pause. Stops.
'That's such and such a valley.'
No it isn't.
'It's full of water.' Much map turning. 'That's the reservoir.'
Nope.

'Maybe it flooded.'

I then led Noah home.

Captain Stable
10th Apr 2009, 21:07
Overheard in the bookshop:-
"I'm looking for a particular book - maybe you can help me with it - I'm not sure of the title or the name of the author, but I do know it's a red one - do you think you might have it?" :ugh:

On the bus from Marco Polo Airport to centre of Venice, woman reading the guidebook:-
"Ah - that's all right. This bus goes to St. Mark's Pizza - that's our stop." :ugh: :ugh:
And later:-
"We could get another bus over to the Libido - that's what they call the seaside." :ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

mr fish
10th Apr 2009, 21:13
watching TV a few nights back and the wife suddenly says,
"ohh, i've just had a sharp pain across my forehead",
"don't worry love, its called thinking" quips i.
rapidly followed by a sharp "ouch" as the tv remote bounced off MY head!!!.

oh, and watching parachute footage as the camera guy films his mate
pulling the cord,
"ohh, i did'nt realise they can go back up as well",
"of course love, theres blokes who made jumps over ten years ago and
still hav'nt made it down, the sky's littered with them" says i.

got put on "rations" that week!!!

yes, she IS blond;)

mustpost
10th Apr 2009, 21:22
Seriously folks, working as apprentice mechanic (1970) with v. good Lithuanian mech expert who boiled over one day and said to us - in a rage - "you think I know f*** nothing.."etc. Now this was before the days of urban myth, and I ken the saying goes back a long way, and he might have learned it - but he was new in the UK. (OK, might have been taught it, but he really, really meant it.) We all had to go and hide to laugh:p

AcroChik
10th Apr 2009, 21:29
Meanwhile, back in high school...

It was (almost) the night before Christmas and I had just reached the head of the line at a (now sadly long gone) favorite Manhattan bookshop to pay for my purchases.

As I handed my selection to the cashier, a fellow rushes through the door. From his dress, voice and manner, he's obviously a tourist.

"I need a copy of less miserables," he says breathlessly to the black-clad, nose-pierced girl behind the desk.

"What?" the jaded girl asks.

"Less miserables. You know, the musical. My fiancee and I just saw it. Do you have it?"

"Self-help section," she replied, pointing with her chin while swiping my credit card.

1DC
10th Apr 2009, 22:17
During a debate at Hull city council some years ago when deciding what should be done to improve the flood defences along the banks of the river Hull. Elected member stands up and says that it would be much cheaper to dredge the river so that the water doesn't come up high enough to get over the banks..

Fantome
10th Apr 2009, 22:25
An old Hungarian mate, migrated here in the fifties. Always expressed himself strongly, emphatically. 'Kids today! You have to pay them to be good! When I was young - I was good for nothing!'

Davaar
10th Apr 2009, 23:19
aged five comes home from Sunday School

Told by Reverend gentleman after examining the Little Ones on the Book of Proverbs:

Rev.G.: "Go to the ant ...... "; and the rest? Anyone?

Little One: "Please! Please! 'Go to the ant thou b*gg*r, consider her ways and be wise'"

Dak Mechanic
11th Apr 2009, 04:12
OFSO, still wiping the tears of laughter away... Thank you!


We had a bible quiz in RE at school one day. One of the questions was "What was the name of the angel that came to Mary"

Answer from one of my schoolmates: "Lo"

Why? "Lo, the angel came..."

JC

Solar
11th Apr 2009, 06:07
We live close to an old historic walled graveyard which has the recent version adjacent to it in which there always seem to be council workmen doing what ever it is they do there. One Sunday I took my eight year old daughter on a ramble along the river that passes close to the graveyard and we ended up wandering through the graveyard having a good look around at the old church remains and such. When we got back to the house she was giving her mother who was patiently peeling the spuds a full description of the nature ramble. When she got to the point about the graveyard her mother absently asked was there anyone working there whereupon my daughter with a look of total bafflement said " no Ma there all dead".
Out of the mouths of babes.

BabyBear
11th Apr 2009, 08:46
Night flight back from Toronto, the woman sat next to me leans over her son, looks out the window, and says the stars don't look any closer from up here.

vonbag
11th Apr 2009, 09:01
As I disembarked at Pisa, walking on the ground away from the little plane,
I lighted up a cigarette,
and got one hysterical security girl shouting, gesticulating and running in my direction.
"Are you crazy, don't you know that these things are filled up with Fuel?"
However, being trained to hide cigarettes during the military service, no evidence was found as she reached me!
My word against hers ;-)

Rainboe
11th Apr 2009, 11:44
vonbag
As I disembarked at Pisa, walking on the ground away from the little plane,
I lighted up a cigarette,
and got one hysterical security girl shouting, gesticulating and running in my direction.
"Are you crazy, don't you know that these things are filled up with Fuel?"
However, being trained to hide cigarettes during the military service, no evidence was found as she reached me!
My word against hers ;-)Well you truly are a fool then, aren't you? Aren't you just so proud you got away with it? Well done!

frostbite
11th Apr 2009, 12:07
Alleged to have happened.

Two little girls are watching ballet, one remarks that the bulge in the man's tights is rather rude.

"Don't be silly", replies her friend, "That's for the lady to stand on when he lifts her up".

Ancient Observer
11th Apr 2009, 16:26
There's a nice old bridge, now pedestrianised, between Eton and Windsor. Both Windsor and Eton have some good restaurants, so I go there quite often.
Walking over the Bridge one night, one elderly American to Husband,
"Why did the queen build her castle under the flight path?"

S78
11th Apr 2009, 20:35
Myself and the missus on the way back to our new house having just done the first supermarket shop:

Me: This is about 5 miles from home.

Missus: Yes, but it's rush hour, it won't be as far on Saturday morning.




S78

PPRuNe Dispatcher
11th Apr 2009, 22:31
Back in the mid 80s.... it's my second time to a new girlfriends' house. She's in the kitchen, making coffee. I grab her copy of "Concise Oxford English Dictionary", check the publication date, 1981, and put it back on the shelf.

In she comes. A few minutes later, I said "Did you know the word gullible was omitted from the 1981 edition of the Concise Oxford English Dictionary?"

30 seconds later I fell off the sofa as she was looking it up....

Fark'n'ell
12th Apr 2009, 07:58
My late father was a butcher.Above the counter in his butchers shop was a sign in six inch lettering Pleased to meat you,We have the meat to please you
This drew many a wry grin and frequent comment from some of the lady customers.

OFSO
12th Apr 2009, 11:31
My wife's expensive retro espresso machine has one problem - this is the tiny plastic widget that fits on the underside of the coffee holder and diverts the stream of coffee into two cups, vital as we are usually drinking one cup each. This widget is about 1" long and occasionally falls off when one bangs the metal coffee holder in the waste bin after making coffee (to get the used coffee out).

This morning after breakfast - including two espressos each - we headed off into the gale, rain, snow, cold etc to go to church, and most spectacularly Mrs. OFSO hurled a garbage-filled Montserrat supermarket bag into the containers at the bottom of our mountainside community, as we went by in the car.....

It was only when we returned home from the Basilica - full to overflowing with Germans at the Teutonic Service, by the way - and more shopping at Montsi's - that she went to make a coffee and found the widget was no longer on the coffee holder. And the garbage bin was empty, as the bag was in the container down the bottom of the hill.

Uttering a foul and un-Easter-Sunday-like oath, I got the car out again and drove thru the rain down the hill. Only one container had the lid open and predictably everyone had used that. Some amazing debris inside: a pair of trousers, a set of architects plans for a new house, numerous bags which I tore open, but couldn't see ours. A stunningly varied mix of bags, garbage, and remnants of strange things people eat. Part of a microwave oven......more bizarre discarded garments.....at which one did not look too closely, although the thought did arise that some folk had had an interesting Easter.,,,

Getting desparate I leaned over inside and raked thru the mound - and suddenly spotted one solitary Montsi supermarket bag, far too deep down for me to reach. Aha ! A piece of wood lay alongside the bins and it was just long enough to hook the bag. Fished it out, tore it open, peered inside - an empty KittyKat food tin, former property of Buster Baggins our Cat, and a Tate & Lyle sugar box - empty, and I knew Mrs. OFSO bought some more T & L sugar this morning, so.....it was identified as our garbage bag.

And of course, there under the T & L sugar box and nestling on an empty flour bag - in all it's tinyness - was the missing plastic widget.

Driving down in the rain and searching through the community garbage hopper is NOT a permanent solution. But it gave me a warm glow of success this morning.

frostbite
12th Apr 2009, 11:50
But it gave me a warm glow of success this morning.


Oh well, whatever turns you on.........

Schumi - Red Baron
12th Apr 2009, 12:48
This happened a few months ago in Oz (while leaving a night club with mates)...

As soon as we left, we saw a cute little dog sitting unattended on the road in front of the club... So, this "pet lover" friend goes there and pats the dog on it's back and starts playing with him... The next thing he noticed is that he is surrounded by cops and they are shouting "you have been positively identified for carrying drugs" (it was a sniffer dog used by cop to find drugs)... Within seconds he was strip searched under a street light... After that his pictures were taken with the address and god knows what all... It happened so fast that no one understood what happened... The whole time that guy is trying to tell that he was just playing with the dog... After all the drama he was cleared and cops said sorry but it was their duty as dog pointed towards him...

Never again in his life he ever went close to any unattended dog in australia...:}

Too Short
12th Apr 2009, 13:05
I went out with my boyfriend last night, into town for a jolly until the wee small hours of this morning. Not long into our outing we found ourselves at the quiet end of a bar. As one of the staff disappeared to get our drinks, there was nobody else around in this little spot, perfect me thinks for adjusting my assets in my low cut dress. Had a quick look around to ensure I was safe to proceed with doing the necessary, all good, so discreetly slid my hand inside my dress and bra, adjustments made. Then, just as I was finishing, looked straight ahead of me to realise that what I thought was a mirror behind the bar was in fact a window looking out to the packed beer garden, and there, through the window, staring right at me were two guys grinning like Cheshire cats, one of whom gave me a wink leaving me in no doubt that they had witnessed my ritual. My other half said my face was a picture :ooh: embarrassing, but very funny!

candoo
12th Apr 2009, 13:30
OK

I once got picked up by the police on the suspicion of being a headless corpse, suspicion and fact never came into it.

In a previous existence I was drawn to throw me dice up in the air and follow the outcome. Lost the plot completely and lived in Terminal 1 LHR for a couple of weeks. Found solace in walking to Amersham (bugger knows why but anything was better than Slough) and lived "Au naturel" in the woods for a week or so. To this day I struggle to comprehend what was on my mind or why I chose to do this. I royally p1ssed off those nearest and dearest. But I did find comfort in talking to the trees, probably cos they don't answer back.

Back to the point - After Amersham headed back to LHR but shoes, clothes, bodily functions etc.. were suffering so I found a nice cosy spot somewhere on the A40 in the middle of the dual carriageway to put me head down. Next thing one remembers is being kicked by a burly lady PC and being asked if I was alive as it was reported that I was headless.

It was cold and I had zippered me fleece above head line.

Went home with tail between legs and vowed never to talk to trees again.

Actually there is more to it than that, bring back AA!

farsouth
12th Apr 2009, 13:46
On a night flight from the States back to UK, Captain points out over the PA that there is a very nice view of a lunar eclipse.

I overheard the following exchange between two American women in the seats in front of me.

"I don't really understand what is going on with an eclipse........"

"Oh, it's simple - it's when the sun passes between the earth and the moon....." !!!!

StaceyF
12th Apr 2009, 17:19
Back to schooldays for this one.

Our comprehensive school had two buildings, a "lower" school for first and second year pupils and a "middle" school for third, fourth and fifth year pupils.

There was also an "upper" school for anyone "staying on" to further their education.

The idea behind keeping the buildings separate was that innocent 11 and 12 year olds didn't have to mix with older kids and suffer bullying etc.

Except...........the headmaster's office was located in the "middle" school and there was a single, adverse camber path linking "lower" and "middle" schools. This path was in direct view of about thirty classrooms occupied with about 900 adolescent, spotty kids.

So, one bitterly cold January morning (back in the days when we used to get serious snowfall here) I get sent to the headmaster's office for something trivial (can't remember what but I think it involved a bunsen burner and the class idiot's hair).

I start to walk down this path and the camber starts to get really nasty; it's sheet ice and I remember thinking "*****, if I go a$$ over t1t here, I'm never going to live it down".

Nature takes it's imperious course and over I go............within about a nanosecond, all I can hear is the sound of fists pummelling against glass......I look up to see 900 laughing faces, revelling in my discomfort.

I jest ye not :\

OFSO
12th Apr 2009, 20:39
Darmstadt in Germany has a huge beer-and-oompah festival each summer - called the "Heinerfest", it's the fourth biggest such bash in Germany, the Okoberfest being the largest.

My luscious assistant J was in one of the four ginormous beer tents when she felt an urge to pee. Having seen the disgusting state of the toilets, and being somewhat fastidious she slipped around the back of the tent onto the grass, lowered her jeans and relieved herself.

Standing up and pulling her undewear and jeans back up over her trim little posterior she was startled to hear applause.

Looking around, she saw that about twenty guys had lifted the side of the tent up to let some air in, and had watched her with great enjoyment.

The following night she neither used the toilets nor the grass around the back of the tent.....

lazy george
13th Apr 2009, 09:30
A mate of mine once pulled a "classy" girl from Wigan and went back to her mum and dad's place. As they were sneaking up stairs her mum shouted down " Karen, are you on your own?" She told my pal to hush and replied "of course i am mum" to which her mum responded " good will you bring the shovel upstairs cos your dad has shit the bed"

My chum never got his night of passion:}