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notmyC150v2
9th Apr 2009, 01:50
Just reading the thread on Gingernuts clueless doggy reminded me of my own blindness when it comes to members of the opposite sex. In fact I can relate totally to poor Max and his lack of knowledge in all matters carnal at a young age.

Years ago I was a Bakery Manager for a supermarket and was working on the early morning shift. The only people in the store were myself and the Apprentice when the staff entry door bell rang. Now no-one was due in for another three hours so I was surprised when I let the Deli 2IC in. She was quite a pretty thing and dumb as a post.

She sidled up to me and whispered in my ear that she noticed when she opened her legs to get out of the car that it was very breezy and she had a feel and noticed that she forgot to put her knickers on when she got dressed. She giggled, asked me if I thought that was funny and said I should keep her little secret.

I just looked at her and said "f**k you're stupid" and walked back to the bakery.

Now, years later I can look back and see what was being offered and what I turned down. At the time of course I just thought she was passing on some useless information. I guess that I also qualify as being dumb as a post (bordering on retarded).

My wife loves that story and says it explains why she had to be so forward in her approach to me cos I just wasn't getting the hint after 4 months (No I will not share that story here). It also gives her comfort that I am at no risk of having an affair because I wouldn't know who was interested.

I am sure that I am not the only one in this boat of being blind and clueless in regard to the opposite sex, but are there any others who would be willing to confess to similar stupidity and blindness?????

Tyres O'Flaherty
9th Apr 2009, 02:11
I certainly would.

Been given the nod numerous times & not noticed till after, a reasonable amount of times by some quite smart ladies.

Sometimes I think I'm thick as pigs***e. I'll be cursing meself on me deathbed.


:{

con-pilot
9th Apr 2009, 02:19
During my single days my friends have told me that I unknowingly have turned down more sex than most men have tried to get.

Don't really know how to take that. :confused:

But some times I'm really rather clueless when it comes to the opposite sex.

I'm the type of guy that believes that;

No, means no.

Maybe really means no.

And yes probably means no. :(

sisemen
9th Apr 2009, 02:28
I well remember as a testosterone charged, but shy virginal 15 year old being taken into the (very dark) park by my then girlfriend; being presented with a pair of bodice ripping boobs lit quite nicely in the moonlight and being told "You can do whatever you like to me"

My reply......?

"No thanks B******, you're too nice a girl" :ugh:

I've been kicking myself ever since.

Gordy
9th Apr 2009, 03:41
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/singles.jpg

Scooby Don't
9th Apr 2009, 05:37
Me - 17, shy, naive.

Her - 16, drunk, stunning from the neck down and not too shabby from the neck up.

The place - crappy night club in small town.

Vital detail - had the house to myself due to parental unit and sister being away in the colonies. That was when I discovered the kitchen held precisely enough plates and cutlery for one person to eat for 3 weeks prior to washing dishes. My bedroom was typical of a messy teenager whose mother had given up telling him to tidy, as in, it would have taken several hours of removing books and magazines to discover the colour of the carpet. One of the two livingrooms was, however, presentable.

Her actions - sat on my knee in the club, undid her bra when my hand wandered inside her top. Inserted tongue as far as it would go into my mouth.

What I said as we left the club - "would you like to come back to my place for coffee?"

What she replied - "if it's just for coffee, I'm not coming."

What I stupidly did - took her at her word and walked her home to her parents house, as I was too embarrassed to take her upstairs at my house, and too stupid to realise we could have done it in the bloody livingroom.

There have been many other examples of similar stupidity on my part, but that one sticks in my mind, largely due to the incredible figure I passed up... :sad:

Solid Rust Twotter
9th Apr 2009, 08:27
While floating around the pool on my back with a beer balanced on my chest at a party, I had to be hooked and dragged to the side of the pool by a mate using a leaf scoop, who then pointed out the lissome young lady ogling one's *ahem* physique while hovering about the edge of the pool. Apparently she'd been there all evening trying to get the attention of the brainless flotsam drifting about with it's eyes shut bumping into the Kreepy Krauly hose.

Didn't last long but it was fun while it did.

Been informed by mates that it wasn't the only opportunity that went unnoticed.

Firestorm
9th Apr 2009, 08:34
I have wondered in reality who needs to bash whom over the head with the dinosaur bashing stick to drag the other one back to the cave! Even my girl friend keeps telling me that I'm being chatted up by other women. She doesn't get jealous because she knows that I haven't got a clue as to what's really going on!

Wiley
9th Apr 2009, 08:39
I don't know how many times I found out three months later - and in one case, 10 bloody years later! - how well I was doing, and how well I would have done if I'd only made 'the' move.

Maxie Missout would haved been a more apt Pprune 'handle' than the one I chose.

Wod
9th Apr 2009, 09:42
At last!

The knowledge that I am not alone!

All too excruciatingly painful to confess here, but I relate to every post, bar the cartoon ( that never happened to me, and even then.....)

Windy Militant
9th Apr 2009, 10:21
Nope the wisdom passed onto me many years ago has stood me in good stead.
If she's using the blunt end of the barge pole you've a chance.
If she's using the Sharp end of the barge pole It's a definate NO!

I often wonder how much the blunt end hurts! :ouch: :}

CEJM
9th Apr 2009, 10:26
Yep, I am also a member of this club.

Normally realise a few days later when my friends tell me what I missed. But of course by that time it is to late. :{

Carry0nLuggage
9th Apr 2009, 10:36
Hello. My name is Carry0nLuggage and I have taken too much interest in the plate to see what was being offered on it. :{

NZScion
9th Apr 2009, 10:59
I too can admit to being colour blind when it comes to "female traffic lights"

Rossian
9th Apr 2009, 11:07
Yes! But what can be done about it? WHY do men miss these signals? Self absorbtion?
C'mon ladies out there - give us a clue. Whirls, lexxy where are you?
The Ancient Mariner

ThreadBaron
9th Apr 2009, 11:11
Oh, I is sure they are far too polite to comment on this thread ... or they are just too busying peeing themselves, laughing!

Foss
9th Apr 2009, 11:16
Years back, girl in the office quips...
'Do you want to go and get a video?'
'What for? It's the middle of the afternoon.'

Turned round too see a male colleague doing comic forehead slapping.
Then even another girl said something along the lines of 'You are stupid.'

I made up for lost time later. But 'going for a video' became a catch phrase.
Notice that's video, not DVD.

Radar66
9th Apr 2009, 11:44
Oh, I is sure they are far too polite to comment on this thread ... or they are just too busying peeing themselves, laughing!


are we really? who? us? moi even? http://209.85.48.8/1889/52/emo/eyelash.gif

:E



Firey....!!
I will refrain from commenting on that post, it's soooo hard, but I will try... http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb122/Radar66/emoticons/giggle.gif


However - I will say, it can work both ways - I myself have been subjected to similar situations whereupon my friends have 'gently' informed me that I was being a clueless twit! :uhoh:

MagnusP
9th Apr 2009, 12:13
I knocked back a fairly explicit invitation at a gig when the young lady in question reminded me we used to play together as children. She was an unpreposessing wee thing as a child, but she was gorgeous when she hit her 20s. It just seemed odd, somehow. Gawd; have I regretted it since. :hmm:

Whirlygig
9th Apr 2009, 12:37
Oh lawdy lawdy what a hoot. I have had so many cups of freaking coffee (and I can’t stand the stuff) instead of what I was thinking or expecting.

When I was 18, I thought, “come back to my place for coffee” meant “come back to my place for a damned good seeing to”. Er no, apparently, it meant coffee. And coffee was what I got.

Gee guys, believe me, if a girl ain’t interested she will struggle to hide her contempt for you; it will be writ large on her forehead, “Feck off creep”.

If a girl says “No”, it means “no”. If a girl says “Maybe”, it means “no but I’m too polite to say so” and if a girl says “Yes”, well, it means “yes”. We do KNOW what “coffee” means and, by gum, if we only get coffee, we is disappointed.

Cheers

Whirls

CEJM
9th Apr 2009, 12:47
Had a young lady coming over last night. But I don't think that posting the before and after pics like in 'Max's Virginity' thread are suitable for this forum. :E

frostbite
9th Apr 2009, 12:49
Oh, it's not just me that has missed out on a few - what a relief!

Worst bit of cluelessness was with the very first girl. She had quite an explosive orgasm, which frightened the life out of me. Thought I'd killed her.

Standard Noise
9th Apr 2009, 13:02
Examples of Male Cluelessness??? (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/369290-examples-male-cluelessness-post4849844.html#post4849844)

1 - Entering into a marriage.
2 - Entering into a marriage when the future mother-in-law is still alive.

Anything else pales into insignificance after that.

Whirlygig
9th Apr 2009, 13:56
The distaff point of view (OK, the teenage Whirls’ point of view).

Scenario – a bar somewhere near downtown Shepperton, a cosy and classy environ where I worked as a part-time barmaid. Every Friday, three young, single lads came in and one of them, Bloke, rather took my fancy. I made sure I went to pick up his empty beer glass (real ale, not lager!) as soon as possible, I arranged with the barman that I would always serve him etc. After a few weeks of this, one of his mates (who had a Range Rover!) asked me if I would like to join the three of them for curry after the pub closed. Hell yeah!!

So me and three chaps went for a curry. I thought it was the mate who was perhaps “after” me but looking back he was trying to nudge Bloke in right direction. Mate took us both back to Bloke’s place in the Range Rover. I had coffee after coffee after coffee. After a point, I decided to walk home later getting a lift from the milkman.

Bloke asked me out, nice time, back to his, more coffee, lift home from milkman (even the milkman sensed my frustration).

This happened three times (three is a good number) after which I gave up deciding that he was either i) gay, ii) just didn’t fancy and wanted me as a friend (yeah, that really makes a girl feel special) or iii) too up his ar$e to be bothered with girls.

It did not occur to me that he just couldn’t see the opportunity – how obvious do we have to make it? You know guys, it’s a dilemma for us as we want to make it clear we’re interested but we don’t want to be thought of as easy slappers whom you won’t respect.

So chaps, open your eyes and go for the blouse buttons – what’s the worst that can happen? A size 4 in the cods, that’s all!

Cheers

Whirls

Mr Grimsdale
9th Apr 2009, 14:24
Hello. My name is Carry0nLuggage and I have taken too much interest in the plate to see what was being offered on it.

Brilliant! I think my best example was when I was 17 and had a Saturday job in a shop, this young lovely called Andrea was laughing at my Tom foolery which I thought was great... until she gave me this look which made me go all funny... and then like the clown I am continued with the joking around rather than make my move.:ugh:

Oh and then there was the time...

Captain Stable
9th Apr 2009, 14:27
Sarah Wyatt, where are you now? ;) :O :sad:

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 14:35
It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many Oirish if
they're all as tic' as me wit women.

Mr Grimsdale
9th Apr 2009, 14:49
...and then there was the time with the cute New Zealander called Susanna who wouldn't stop following me around. I thought she was barking until a friend pointed out what was really going on, but by that time it was too late.

Damnit I am stupid!

Worrals in the wilds
9th Apr 2009, 15:05
This is all such a relief to the “Rules Girl” “He’s just not that into you" generation of women who are told to sit pretty and wait for the pounce, at their peril.
Here was I thinking such (seemingly) obvious Offers were outright rejected, but were really misinterpreted... or maybe not. Maybe they were rejected and I just didn’t realise :{
It’s such a complicated game...
Gentlemen... it needs to be obvious, it needs to be overt, it needs to be Gone With the Wind style... of course, if misinterpreted, law suits ensue from those women who can’t say :mad: off in a nice way...
Dem’s the breaks, kid, dem’s the breaks...

Noah Zark.
9th Apr 2009, 15:07
Whirls,
Re your last post. I think Bloke was ME! :eek:
In fact, it wasn't, due to location, but the scenario has happened to me, just like our fellow Blasters on here!
How many times did I do the "right thing", having been brought up as a gentleperson by my folks, walking on the outside of the pavement, opening doors, "after you" etc., and ending up wondering what I was doing wrong, and all of the pals sowing their wild oats willy nilly!
Gee, what a plonker!:O

1DC
9th Apr 2009, 15:10
Walking home from a party,many many moons ago, Mrs.1DC says "********,
was offering you the world tonight, i hope you didn't bite". When she realised that i didn't know what she was talking about she just said "Just as well otherwise you would have seen the inside of the hospital by now".

Noah Zark.
9th Apr 2009, 15:17
1DCWhen she realised that i didn't know what she was talking about
You old smoothie, you. Nicely played!

1DC
9th Apr 2009, 15:21
Not a problem now cos neither one of us can even remember who was at the party never mind who we talked too!!

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 15:25
That's the BEST sort of party I reckon.

How DID I get home????

Noah Zark.
9th Apr 2009, 15:37
That's the BEST sort of party I reckon
or " My fingers hurt. Someone stood on them when I was coming home last night!"

Whirlygig
9th Apr 2009, 15:38
Whirls,
Re your last post. I think Bloke was ME!
And there was me thinking it was Scooby Don't :}

Such a common tale and heartfelt by many.

Cheers

Whirls

larssnowpharter
9th Apr 2009, 15:42
Went to a wife swap party one time........................................................ ............................................................ ......



Got a new seven iron!:ok:

MagnusP
9th Apr 2009, 15:54
More reminiscence than tumescence these days, anyway. :{

CityofFlight
9th Apr 2009, 16:07
Lars... cracked me up, that did. :ok:

Reminds me of my own story... during our anniversary in a posh hotel by a stunning waterfall. Apparently my husband decided that his new GPS was far more entertaining than the in-room jacuzzi or the Victoria Secret nightie I was wearing. :ouch: :suspect: CLUELESS!!

He's still got the GPS and I've got the interest of a younger man.. :E ;)

Flyt3est
9th Apr 2009, 16:12
He probably spent the evening punching in directions "G- spot" thinking thats what the G in GPS stood for.. lol

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 16:12
CofF, sounds like a fair swap!

Lon More
9th Apr 2009, 16:36
Being doing this for more than 40 years (except for the period of marriage)

I used to do weekends as a tyre fitter in the family garage during the holidays. Start Saturday morning and finish Monday at 8 a.m. Saturday night was always quiet but we had a contractual obligation to go out and change truck tyres for a number of companies so someone always had to be there. Dad's Secretary, very tasty (was he at it, I wonder?) regularly showed up around midnight. Took me about a month, and her knickers dropped in my coffee mug, to realise she wasn't there for the scintillating conversation

ShyTorque
9th Apr 2009, 16:44
I guess this clueless thing happens to most men at some time or other.

I was 17, she was 31. I wasn't on a date, just an aquaintance met whilst I was temporarily living away from home, I thought. I couldn't understand why she had dressed up so nicely and instead of the expected kiss on the cheek to say goodbye she suddenly seemed intent on trying to clean my ear out with her tongue.... I think I might even have been embarrassed because I was sure I'd washed it already :ugh:

I received a letter from her a few weeks later in which she told me she had left her husband. Scared the daylights out of me and so I never replied. :eek:

Took me about a month, and her knickers dropped in my coffee mug, to realise she wasn't there for the scintillating conversation

What, so she wanted you to wash her underwear? :confused:

Flyt3est
9th Apr 2009, 16:47
Oh girls puh-leeze..

Girl Says girl means
"no" yes, but she doesn't know it yet

"Maybe" buy me another drink

"yes" You are in there like swimwear

"Come up for coffee" see previous.

"What time is it" see previous

"lovely weather we're having" see previous

"excuse me" see previous


They're all gagging for it.. absolutely panting for it I tell ya!!



aren't they?????

:-))

bnt
9th Apr 2009, 16:48
What I'm getting from this thread is familiar: there seems to be a misapprehension, among many women, that sex is all men think about; that we're always ready, and all they have to do is push a button and the brain shuts down (or migrates groin-wards). This is definitely not the case for me: timing is everything. Let me illustrate by citing a case where I still don't know what actually happened.

She was the daughter of a friend of my stepmother, at whose place we had met, and only later did I suspect that it might have been a setup. All I remember about her was that she had a lazy eye. She was friendly, but not terribly interesting, so I was not thinking "potential girlfriend".

I was staying in the "singles quarters" for the steel factory where I worked, in one of the better sections (because I was a qualified technician), so my place was like a hotel room, complete with en-suite bathroom. She was staying in the same complex, on the floor above mine - which may be why there was an attempt to set us up.

One day I was just back from work when she knocked on my door. After "hellos", the conversation went something like this:
"Can I come in?"
"Can you come back later?"
"I really need to come in."
"This is really a bad time. I'm all dirty from work, and I have clothes everywhere. Let me have a shower and tidy up a bit first."
"No, I really need to come in."
"Are you OK? Do you need to use the bathroom?"
"No, I just need to come in."
"I don't understand. What is it?"
"Just let me in!"
"I'm sorry, this doesn't make any sense."
"Bye."

She storms off without another word, and I go and put the kettle on. I think I saw her only once more after that, and she didn't speak to me. I never got an explanation of what she wanted. If it was a come-on, well, I can hardly imagine a less sexy situation. It only occurred to me years later that it might have been a come-on. I still doubt it, but can't think what else would want her to enter my place without explanation.

Thing is: if that means I'm clueless, then I'm happy to remain clueless about such things. I want more from a female companion than mere sex: sex is a means to an end, not an end in itself, no matter how nice it is to get your end away. :E

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 17:01
She was probably longing to do your laundry, you FOOL!!!!!

Noah Zark.
9th Apr 2009, 17:02
Basically, Whirly's pearl of wisdom is the one that counts. We all have 20/20 hindsight, but I wish I could have known it way back when, or more so had the nous to sort it myself and go for it!
So chaps, open your eyes and go for the blouse buttons – what’s the worst that can happen? A size 4 in the cods, that’s all!
:{:{:{

larssnowpharter
9th Apr 2009, 17:03
Early 70s:

One was ' holding' at Abingdon after Cranditz. Went into Town for a night. Stopped off at the Queens Elm on Fulham Road for a chat with Sean Tracy, the owner (ex Irish Army Air Corps pilot).

Saw the pipe collection, had a couple of beers and Sean introduced me to a group amongst which was a rather delicious young lady.

'What do you do?' one asked, cluelessly at some point.

'Actress", she responded.

(One did not recognise her so valiatly changed direction of conversation.

Luck in.

Down to some place to eat.

'Do you want a lift home?', I asked delish Lady.

'Cool', she said.

Outside her place, pash goodnight kisses etc and the invite:

'Come up for a nightcap?'

'Nah, gotta get back to Abingdon, flying tomorrow'.

Young lady - it turned out later - was a well known (married) film star.

Still not sure what I should have done. Fly the Rapide or.......................

Gainesy
9th Apr 2009, 17:04
the in-room jacuzzi or the Victoria Secret nightie I was wearing.

Er... wouldn't yer nightie get wet?:confused:

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 17:09
Probably needed it to wash off the stains that the Seamen left?

Gordy
9th Apr 2009, 17:12
To add to Fly3test post---some more Word Definitions for Women

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**KYOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I’ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Storminnorm
9th Apr 2009, 17:16
Gordy, you forgot, You'll be hearing from my Solicitor.
This means you really ballsed it up!!!

Nick Riviera
9th Apr 2009, 17:27
On holiday in Orlando with a few mates. We were in a club where we bumped into some locals, mixed group, that we had met the previous year and had had a blast with. They had a new friend with them, very cute brunette, who I chatted with most of the evening. We all arranged to meet at another club the following evening. As we left, said girl checked with me that I was definitely going to be there the next day, told her I was and she smiled, gave me a kiss and said I had better not forget.

Me and my mates spent the next day at Cocoa Beach. Idiot friends all overdid it and got sunburnt. Back at the house they all decided that they were all feeling too ill to go out but made it clear that they thought that I had to go. Didn't fancy going without my mates, so ended up staying in, basically on my own as friends all toddled off to their beds to recover. Got a lot of stick from friends the following morning.

If I had thought that I had a chance with the brunette I would have been at the club like a shot. But even with signals which, as one of my friends told me, a deaf dumb and blind man would have read, I still hadn't cottoned on. I honestly thought she was just being friendly. Even writing this down makes me want to smack my forehead.

OFSO
9th Apr 2009, 17:41
May I profer a word of wisdom to all you young lads, from my position of advanced age ?

This senseless rejection of nooky being offered by ladies to us men isn't just a feature of yoof; one goes on doing it all one's life.

I have never worked out why as a bit of spare never did any man any harm, but one does it, and afterwards one curses oneself, and one does it again, and so on ad. inf.

In fact if I had my life again.....

RJM
9th Apr 2009, 18:31
Back to Whirls' post:

Bloke asked me out, nice time, back to his, more coffee, lift home from milkman (even the milkman sensed my frustration).


Perhaps you too, Whirls, were overlooking an opportunity?

Anyway:

Husband's note on fridge door:

'Hi darling. Someone from Gyna Colleges rang. The Pabst beer is normal. I didn't think you even liked beer!'

cockney steve
9th Apr 2009, 20:08
Been there, done that..... in my late 20's got a call from a former (fanciable, fit but married) colleague , that she was wanting to buy her first car and needed advice.

I already knew her husband, having met at firm's functions. car bought, friendship continued, would often go in the car with them to drop hubby off for his (permanent) night -shift. then we'd go back to her flat and have coffee/talk /take the dog for a walk......after some months she requested a goodnight kiss...which was a full-on affair,which together withher swaying her hips, gave me an erection :O So, I pulled back!!!! :\

it took her sitting on the settee,directly beside me, wrapping her arms around me, a passionate full-on kiss and a whispered "I want to give you something to go on holiday with"....before I understood the possibility of a closer relationship!

spent about 18 years together and had 3 kids.
About 10 years ago, I was propositioned by an attractive young girl, one night, in my shop (chippy) when I declined, she was put-out, having ascertained that i was single, not courting and not homosexual, she informed me she didn't want a relationship, just a shag :ooh: She found it most odd that I considered it indecent, as she was younger than my daughter.

Other than that, the Ex announced, on occasion , that i'd been given the "come on" in a social gathering,-but like the other posters, I didn't see it written on their forehead in flashing lights,-therefore , they were just being pleasant :} I might have got the hint, if someone dropped her knickers in my coffee- i'd get my toolkit and see if I could repair her washing-machine :}

V2-OMG!
9th Apr 2009, 20:16
OMGoodness! Your replies are a roar. Thanks for the giggle!

Rainboe
9th Apr 2009, 20:18
Ex pilot friend of mine took a retirement job to help him fitten up a bit as a postie. Over a drink, he was remarking at the number of women who answered the door to him stark naked on the flimsiest of excuses! He found it extraordinary. I still don't think he understands why! I think he barely noticed what was going on.

Hobo
9th Apr 2009, 20:22
Why do we get too soon old and too late smart?

CityofFlight
9th Apr 2009, 20:32
Flyt3est


They're all gagging for it.. absolutely panting for it I tell ya!!


aren't they?????

:rolleyes:


Obviously, the last question shows how well things are working for you. ;) :p

Whirlygig
9th Apr 2009, 20:41
They're all gagging for it.. absolutely panting for it I tell ya!!

aren't they?????
Yes they/we are - just not with anyone/everyone; usually with just one particular fella. :ok::}

Cheers

Whirls

CityofFlight
9th Apr 2009, 20:43
Very true, Whirls, very true. :ok: ;)

Flyt3est
9th Apr 2009, 20:44
I know... honestly the attention is a drag at times.. one does ones best in the face of such challenges.. :-)

Foss
9th Apr 2009, 20:56
Alright.
A plus one for blokes.
Staying at my best friend's house, girlfriend is very drunk. He's gone to bed.
Girlfriend: 'Do you like me?'
Oh no, no, no. Awooga.
'Yes, I do, you are lovely. Please go away, go to bed, and get dressed.'
Never mentioned ever again.

Same best mate.
Years ago.
'I had sex with a married woman last night.'
Me, innocent, 'No you didn't.'
'Yes I did.'
'Crap, how do you know she was married?'
'She had ornaments and curtains.'

Whirlygig
9th Apr 2009, 21:01
Foss, works better (and truer) the other way round.

"I had sex with a married man"
"How do you know he was married"
"He had ornaments and curtains"

:ok:

Cheers

Whirls

Flyt3est
9th Apr 2009, 21:14
Or closer to the truth..

I had sex with a married man"
"How do you know he was married"
"He said he was separated"

ha ha ha

CityofFlight
9th Apr 2009, 21:17
Now, those words are SO true, in every obvious way possible! :cool: :p

Beatriz Fontana
9th Apr 2009, 21:34
Works both ways, mind.

As a singleton working in a (very) male dominated environment, I constantly miss / block out the signals. Have walked away from offers and completely mis-read intentions! Not many girls will admit that, because we're supposed to be the ones who read meaning in to everything!

Not so many moons ago, met a lovely chap quite randomly, swapped phone numbers and engaged in some quite forward flirtacious conversation. What did I do? Caught the last train home.... But in life, sometimes one gets a second chance. By heck, I didn't say no the second time around :ok:

Noah Zark.
9th Apr 2009, 22:10
Reading back through the posts on this thread, one is being forced to face some unhappy truths about oneself. So many are/were applicable to me, it is really frightening to realise how much was being offered, nay, thrown at me, I must have been solid!
Having got much older and very much wiser still doesn't make it any easier. Now that things have gone full circle, I get really fed up when women just want to use me as a sex object all the time! ;)

ShyTorque
9th Apr 2009, 22:11
Over a drink, he was remarking at the number of women who answered the door to him stark naked on the flimsiest of excuses!

If he comes round my house with no clothes on I'll set the dogs on him, the pervert! He should wear a uniform like the rest of them.

Foss
9th Apr 2009, 22:14
"He said he was separated"

Nah, he said...
'You're paying.'
'She took all the wedding presents.'

She said...
'I do 1,000 sit ups a day.'
'I have a gun, under my jumper.'

AcroChik
10th Apr 2009, 01:14
I don't know if this falls into an example of male cluelessness, but it does offer an insight into that terra incognito, the brain of the American male ~ insight about which one is constantly on the lookout.

Thus, when a statistic is found offering a view into the inner workings of that mysterious organ, no matter how fragile that statistic may be, antennae perk up.

That was what happened this morning when viewing a poll that Callaway Golf Corp. took to celebrate the first round of the Masters Golf Tournament.

The question, asked only of male golfers was: given the choice would you rather play Augusta National (the club where the Masters is held) or have a date with Bar Rafaeli?

As all red-blooded American golfers know, Ms. Rafaeli appeared on the cover of the most recent Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

The answer: 78% would prefer to play a round at Augusta.

So now we know what really matters to men, or to male golfers.

Then again, the statistic could also mean that most male golfers are happily married ~ a bad bet ~ or that most are old.

I don't play golf. My husband does.

CityofFlight
10th Apr 2009, 01:29
So, AC, is it safe to say which choice your husband would've opted for? ;) :}

brickhistory
10th Apr 2009, 01:42
Of course, separate but related is the concept of "wingman."

As in with the typical bevy of beauties out for an evening, there's always one less lucky in the genetic department. She takes as her sworn mission in life to protect the virtue of her prettier friend(s).

The perfect co-pilot/wingman vocabulary is restricted to:

"Lead, you are on fire."
"I'll get the next round."
"I'll take the fat one."

Seems I was always the wingman.

Scene setting:

Tokyo, 1995. Advance team with a major, I was a captain. We were there to pave the way for the arrival of our E-3 AWACS, the crew, and the maintainers, for a US-Japanese air defense exercise.

The major, a sort of friend, is married. I'm relatively recently single (from 1993). He has an on-again/off again thing with a girl working the in the US Embassy.

He gets invited over to her place for dinner. She has also invited the above 'protector,' so I'm volunteered to be the wingman.

Evening progresses, time to go. My buddy is obviously going to be staying. Protector girl won't leave. I gallantly volunteer to walk her home.

After much conversation where it's obvious to everyone what is happening, I finally ease protector girl out of the apartment.

Getting to her place, I play the "hey, it's late, I can't really go back there, can I crash here?" card.

I spent the night on the couch where the only activity was when her friendly golden Lab would come breath in my face every couple of hours.

Always the wingman, never the ace...

Wholigan
10th Apr 2009, 01:57
Jeeeeez Firey and Radz - you 2 spend so much time chatting each other up that neither of you notices any more!!!

galaxy flyer
10th Apr 2009, 03:17
AC

That certainly improves the odds for the other 22%. OTOH, who would want to date a girl who was painted on the side of an airliner? I might just be picky, but seems she might just be a wee bit difficult, in a high-maintenance way. Golf must be mighty good to pass on a date with her even if the odds of getting "lucky" were astronomical.

GF

CityofFlight
10th Apr 2009, 05:22
Gordy...hate to say it, but there is some truth to your list. I don't know why so many women have been taught this "language", but I can't deny it's existence! :ugh: :} ;)

Solid Rust Twotter
10th Apr 2009, 06:38
To add to Fly3test post---some more Word Definitions for Women

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**KYOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I’ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Could be a clue there. I refuse to play that game so a lot of the more subtle stuff probably goes right over my head.

Airey Belvoir
10th Apr 2009, 07:43
Then, of course, there is the example of the direct opposite.

I was relatively early into a deep and meaningful relationship with a lady that I thought the world of. We were attending a function and some of her friends were there. My lady had dashed out to the loo and I was talking to one of the friends who seemed like a very chatty lady, oozing "come on" signals etc etc.

I certainly didn't fancy her (she had reached that certain "fly blown" age) but, nevertheless, chatted in a jokingly semi-flirty way more to humour her and certainly not to chat her up.

A couple of days later my partner gets the phone call...."I think you should know - Airey made a pass at me the other night".

No matter how much you protest your innocence it still lies there lurking under the surface and pops its ugly head up every once in a while.

We're still friendly with the "fly blown" but I refuse to be left in her company alone :mad:

Wiley
10th Apr 2009, 08:13
I think Dave Barry sums up the differences between men's and women's attitudes to all things "relationship" better than most.Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Whirlygig
10th Apr 2009, 08:25
Could be a clue there. I refuse to play that game so a lot of the more subtle stuff probably goes right over my head.
Yeah, I agree. Can't stand golf either. :}

Cheers

Whirls

ORAC
10th Apr 2009, 08:37
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20090410/ldb090410.gif

Solid Rust Twotter
10th Apr 2009, 08:38
Golf? If it has horses it must be polo. Probably uses the same bats though.

arcniz
10th Apr 2009, 08:45
Amazing how much energy we invest, simply for the opportunity and effect of mixing our things up with other people's things. But for a few useful moments where actually effective for copying the blueprints, this design imposes a considerable burden and tax on the body and on the soul. And this is the miracle of humanity!

Oh, well.

Very few things make me truly and irremediably wet-cat sad, but this thread has done it. The ignored gaffes, repressed embarrassments, historic social calamities so profound as to not be allowed to have names - and more - have most all been summoned up by it for a Halloween of pecking away the last tattered shreds of illusion that my social life as yet, and well down the candle it is, has been a paucity of other than avalanching mistake, error and confusion ending ever more badly as it melts to soup in the icy mud of end-game introspection.

Perhaps some actual confession is in order, but where to begin?

ShyTorque
10th Apr 2009, 14:25
The answer: 78% would prefer to play a round at Augusta.

I'm in the 22% who would rather play a round with Ms. Rafaeli.

Well someone was going to say it... :E

Too Short
10th Apr 2009, 15:28
The direct approach, guys... :E which reminds me, Syllo, have you written that book yet, the one you promised on AA a few years ago? :p

Rev I. Tin
10th Apr 2009, 16:13
A quote by Steve Martin...

You know 'that look' women get when they want sex?

Me neither.

Storminnorm
10th Apr 2009, 16:25
I'd prefer the golf, and I don't even play the game.

But it would be cheaper than a Divorce.

Binoculars
10th Apr 2009, 16:26
The question, asked only of male golfers was: given the choice would you rather play Augusta National (the club where the Masters is held) or have a date with Bar Rafaeli?

While I have no concept of just who is the oddly named Ms Rafaeli may be, the crucial part of this question is the first qualifying clause; to wit, asked only of male golfers . Had 78% of straight male Americans responded thus, I would not have have been surprised. Where the hell is Augusta, right?

But to find it was posed only to male golfers concerns me, and I am rather tempted to think that 22% of American male golfers are gay. No golfer, except perhaps members of Augusta National, would knock back a chance to play on that turf to indulge in a simple shag, regardless of the recipient.

As flytest might say, they are all pink inside, n'est-ce pas? Or as a very cultured Aussie mate once opined to me; mate, they've all got a yard and a half of sh*t in their bowel.

A round at Augusta is a forlorn dream of a once in a lifetime experience. Even the chance of a night with Elle MacPherson wouldn't sway me. What would I do, tell all my mates at the Aero Club about a night with Elle?

Wiley, you old dog, you have taken my favourite and most frequently quoted DB column and changed the names from Roger and Elaine. This is a disgraceful display of plagiarism of my plagiarism, and you should be ashamed. Go on, do a search of me and Dave Barry!

Regardless, it remains the funniest and most insightful version of Men/Mars Women/Venus ever written, and in less than a thousand words, so I will forgive you for giving it another airing. A simple search will produce the whole column.

keel beam
10th Apr 2009, 19:25
A variation to Wiley's post...

A few months back myself and a work colleague were just generally chit chatting in the aircraft cabin when the Turnround Co-ordinater came up to us and said " I shouldn't really mention this but (and so she does!) you know when you're having sex, why men are so intense? When I am having sex I am thinking about other things"

I was a bit shocked myself that this was just blurted out.

My colleague chirpped up "No wonder men get little response from women. I suppose you were thinking about what you were going to have for dinner when you finished sex, was the washing dry yet and ..... hasn't he finished yet.....!"

CityofFlight
10th Apr 2009, 19:30
keel... that's sad on so many levels, I don't know where to begin! :p

ORAC
11th Apr 2009, 22:54
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/umedia/20090411/cp.95bc95b37ba9f56b7895e13fa4ef2485.gif

Davaar
11th Apr 2009, 23:20
When I am having sex I am thinking about other things"


In France: "Oooh! La! La!"

In Italy: "Mamma mia! Mamma mia!"

In Germany: "Ach! Putzi! du Liebling!"

In Saskatchewan: "Beige! Next time we'll paint the ceiling beige!".

Wiley
12th Apr 2009, 00:00
Wiley, you old dog, you have taken my favourite and most frequently quoted DB column and changed the names from Roger and Elaine. This is a disgraceful display of plagiarism of my plagiarism, and you should be ashamed. Go on, do a search of me and Dave Barry!Not totally guilty, Binos. I simply went looking for the piece online and that's what came up. I was a little surprised myself to see the change of names, because, like you, I've told so many people about Roger and Elaine many must think I'm on commission from DB.

IMHO, Roger and Elaine just pip "The Rules to Using Men's Urinals" as DB's funniest skit. (If there's any man out there who hasn't read the urinal rules, do a web search and be prepared for a good laugh. Ladies, you can spare yourselves this one. You wouldn't - and don't need to - understand. Unless perhaps you're Japanese. I believe they have [or had] ladies' public urinals, so the men's rules probably apply to them as well.)

------

keel beam, your comments are a variation of the classic female mid-coitus comment: "Sam, the ceiling needs painting."

ShyTorque
12th Apr 2009, 00:13
keel beam, your comments are a variation of the classic female mid-coitus comment: "Sam, the ceiling needs painting."

Or,

"If I'm asleep when you're finished, tuck my nightie down" :bored:

keel beam
12th Apr 2009, 13:36
keel beam, your comments are a variation of the classic female mid-coitus comment: "Sam, the ceiling needs painting."


Wiley

Well, I did not say how large the variation was, but after re-reading your original post perhaps no variation at all :ouch:,

notmyC150v2
14th Apr 2009, 01:57
Happiness is finding out you are not alone :}:D

Gordy
14th Apr 2009, 02:16
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/cbghs1148446666.jpg

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j35/helokat/funnies/f9139-1.jpg

max1
14th Apr 2009, 02:23
Augusta. 4-5 hours. 18 holes.
Amen corner. No contest.
In my single days, eternity was the time between when you come and she goes.

Gordy
14th Apr 2009, 02:43
A similar one to the DB post:

LIFE WITH A PILOT

HER Diary:

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.

He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

Firestorm
14th Apr 2009, 08:01
Wholi: the only reason I know that Radar is chatting me up is that Mrs F tells me! :ok: