View Full Version : The Things You Think of at Night.

5th Feb 2009, 05:56
Let's try to write a novel.

The approach to Nandi was turning out to be difficult. The headwinds were tremendous and the rain was pounding on the cockpit windows....dark was as dark could be. Lightning flashed all the way across the horizon. The radio died and all of a sudden all the electrics failed. The thoughts of hibiscus and Fiji Bitter were now far away. Janice came in from the cabin and said the passengers were all very afraid and panicking, Peter turned to me and said.....

henry crun
5th Feb 2009, 06:00
I wonder if a drunken Fijian will choose the runway as his sleeping place, like one did the last time we landed at Nadi ?

5th Feb 2009, 06:26
Bill laughed, thats old Pete, always a quick joke when the chips were down.
He knew they only one shot at getting this old crate on the ground in one piece.
His mind wandered back to something Laura had said the night before

5th Feb 2009, 06:36
"You call that nine inches??"

He realised that he was not going to be able to trust his length perspective when it came to a tricky landing.

5th Feb 2009, 06:45
Suddenly, a shot rang out!

5th Feb 2009, 06:56
Closely followed by an ear piercing scream - then silence!!

5th Feb 2009, 06:59
"ding dong", it rang.

"Can I get some bloody service on this flight", shouted the miscreant. "It's worse than Virgin Blue"

"Be quiet sir, and put the gun away", said Ngili the dusky flight attendant.

"The Captain's weapon isn't as big and he might get jealous. Not good when he's trying to land dis ting in de dark".

The cabin speakers came alive and the Captain announced .......

5th Feb 2009, 07:05
F**k me, I'm lost...

5th Feb 2009, 07:21
Pete replied calmly, "See those lights stretching away over there? Aim the plane at them."

"I'm just going to take Ngili back to.....er, check there's still plenty of soap in the dunny...."

Loose rivets
5th Feb 2009, 07:30
"A ship appeared over the horizon."

(the plot thickens.)

Beatriz Fontana
5th Feb 2009, 07:49
... which seemed to be being pursued by a small boat filled with Somali pirates.

henry crun
5th Feb 2009, 07:54
Pete said "forget about the drunken Fijian for now, it is a dark and stormy night, we are on top of 8/8's, are you sure you are seeing ships ?"

5th Feb 2009, 07:55
Bill thought, Damn Somali pirates in the Sou Pac, they do get around don't they.Meanwhile got to get this ancient DC3 onto some runway, somewhere. There is no diversion from Nandi unless you like drinking salt water.

No.1 starts coughing badly..... I knew I shoudn't have eaten the fish... I wish this was a Canso...

5th Feb 2009, 07:58
"What ship?" said the subcommandante.
"What rock?" said Capt. Pete.
"What?" said the FO.
"Those ships," said Pete, his steely aviator's gaze fixed ahead, "are the Nadi Navy."

5th Feb 2009, 08:03
And by the way, this is nothing like what I think of at night.

Loose rivets
5th Feb 2009, 08:19
It's 03:11 and the sleeper hasn't kicked in yet. Damn dreams, wake me up with me heart racing...know I won't get orf again without the little white pill.
On the medical forum, I recommended going over peaceful scenes from an appropriate book. I've just been writing on the knife-attack post.

Back to the story:

The vessel was a three-master, but the keen eyed Dak co-pilot, noticed the balloons suspending it above the clouds.

"The cunning bastards!" He exclaimed. Then, half closing his eyes in a menacing manner, looked at the Captain. "Do you think you could cut the wires with the wing, skipper?"

The captain gave one of his thin smiles and gripped the controls tightly with his gloved hands.

5th Feb 2009, 08:23
Suddenly PC Plod jumped out of the bushes and gave Miss Use a nasty fright......

Ah, sorry,...wrong thread.................:rolleyes:

5th Feb 2009, 09:37
Watch this Pete, its an old trick I learned while flying in the jungles of Papua New Guinea

5th Feb 2009, 09:53
Meanwhile in the cabin Laura wondered if she would ever get get an opportunity to consumate the relationship with Bill
Ten years they had been flying together and frankly she was getting tired of Bills excuses that he was too tired to perform, or was suffering from a bladder infection he had caught in Western Samoa or Auckland, or some such other shit hole

Mike Parsons
5th Feb 2009, 10:07
Those were Laura's thoughts, however Pete had more pressing issues on his mind. The first being checking the placards of the spluttering wreck he had to put down to rest his mind that this dog wouldn't break up on the manoeuvre he learnt flying in the jungles of Papua New Guinea. All he had to do is fly inverted...

5th Feb 2009, 11:07
.and the dog would fall out all by itself..............

DARN, wrong thread again!
why do I confuse this with the "Finish the scentence thread all the time?? :rolleyes:

5th Feb 2009, 11:35
but just as he started to roll, passenger Obama, on his way to visit his slightly more successful half-brother stuck his head in the flight deck and said, "Yes, you can!"

5th Feb 2009, 11:42
And I remembered that darn big dip in the middle of Nadi runway........

5th Feb 2009, 12:06
He gripped the big rubber-clad horns of the steering column in his hand, gritted his teeth, and peered through the grimy windscreen at the dimly-lit runway approaching all too fast. The knuckles of his right hand showed white in the light of the instruments as he prepared to get the last bit of power from the roaring Whitney-Houston rotary engines.

There was a knock on the cockpit door, which swung open to reveal three scantily-clad female cabin staff in hotpants, see-through blouses, and f*ck-me shoes.

"We're not doing no more work unless we get a rise" said Britney, taking a half smoked cigerette from her month. "Yeah, right" said Sharan, "an' we're stopping work right now, unless we get it."

"Damn" John muttered to himself, "just what I needed - a birdstrike".

5th Feb 2009, 12:59
so, switching the inflight computer to "land-o-matic" he turned and said,...

Oh, I forgot, it's a DC3 isn't it?

5th Feb 2009, 13:30
Brace yerself Sheila!

5th Feb 2009, 13:43
There was a twitch from the steering column as a gust struck the old bird. She put a hand on his shoulder. "It's going too be allright, isn't it ?" she murmured.

He realised it was time for emergency action. and reaching down between his legs, he pressed in the backup contact breaker. Nothing. With a groan he realised the battery was flat. Why hadn't he listened to his wife, when she said he should get his ears syringed before visiting the Japanese specialist who recommended the hybrid Priapus ?

5th Feb 2009, 13:48
Just then, the APU finally kicked in.

Bill (or Pete) :confused: shouted "Do we have a satellite internet connection?"

Bill (or Pete) :confused: "I think so, do you want me to post an urgent message in JetBlast for immediate assistance. Or maybe a poll about whether or not we'll make it out in 1 piece?"

Bill (or Pete) :confused: "No, get onto the UK Lotto website and play these numbers in the next EuroMillions draw: one, niner, sixteen, forty-"

Bill (or Pete) :confused: "That's too fast, slow down fer Pete's sake!"

5th Feb 2009, 14:15

"Damn" John muttered to himself, "just what I needed - a birdstrike". :D

Well done. Spilt coffee!!

5th Feb 2009, 17:14
Simmbob wrote: Well done. Spilt coffee!!

Phil looked at Bob. "It's seeping into the FMC" he cried, "should we divert to Brussels ?"

John eased the DC-3 into a turn. The runway swung away to he left. "New ideas are sprouting up all the time" he observed, wryly.

Loose rivets
5th Feb 2009, 17:46
"There's no way this bird will fly if coffee gets into the Full Monty Centrifuge, keep the turn on...tighter, tighter...that's it...Oooooooooooo Missus!"

Edna looked at Sharron. "Does he often do that?"

Sharron looked at Edna. "Where the **** did you come from? You're not one of our girls."

"Life is full of surprises." Edna said, as she pulled out her Smith & Wesson bangy thing, and tore the wig from her head.

5th Feb 2009, 18:01
Fortunately for all except Edna ne Ed, being as she/he was British, the Smith & Wesson was only a replica and incapable of firing.

"And would someone please turn off that damned '70s porno music?!" barked the by now extremely busy pilot in command.

Paradise Lost
5th Feb 2009, 18:05
...and Edna revealed that she was really "Edward", and was the sky marshal for NandiAir.
He was most concerned about 2 passengers seated in row 3 and suspected that they may be plotting to........

sled dog
5th Feb 2009, 18:59
Suddenly, a dog barked...

5th Feb 2009, 20:24
A small white hound had appeared at the cockpit door.A flash of lightning briefly illuminated a slim figure in the doorway, Woodbine dangling languidly from his lip he said "Ere, kin I help then? I knows about these 'ere hairyplane thingys. we probably invented 'em in Newcastle"

Loose rivets
5th Feb 2009, 21:05
Aaaaaaaaa Ha! exclaimed Pete. I knew you were not who you said you were.

There is no Newcastle in this universe. I should have known...the clue was the airborne ship. You've got one of those Spacetime splitting thingies, and put us into a world that has brown ale and chip butties. You fiend!

Beatriz Fontana
5th Feb 2009, 21:13
For a moment, there was silence. A consolidation of thought between Pete and Bill. In the air, the stench of Newcastle Brown ale hung heavy, the smell resurrecting long suppressed memories of that fateful drunken night where, as the saying goes, anything went.

Ah, that happy memory! Bill mused, forgetting himself for a moment.

Within a second, his daydreaming of beer and romance was snatched away by a shrill yelling in his ears...

Light Westerly
5th Feb 2009, 23:03
A shrill yelling in his ears- The Radio! It was working again! The spilt coffee and Newcastle Brown Ale had worked magic on the old DC-3's electrics!

5th Feb 2009, 23:10
The yelling was in fact from Nadi tower.
Go away It is religious holiday and we are having a military coup, bellowed the voice.

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 00:08
Just as the DC-3's crew thought all was lost- Suddenly, over the radio came a strangely accented voice, the distinctive voice of their old buddy "Nadi Nate"!
"Nadi" Nate, the legendary hero helicopter pilot of Vietnam and Falklands fame!
Nate's distinctive accent came from his Canadian/English/Scottish/Yank/Irish/French/Serb-Croat/and Afghani ancestry.

"What ya need old buddies?" Cried Nate over the radio. They could even hear the distinctive, diminishing whop-whop of Nate's old Huey (which was used in a famous movie starring Martin Sheen) as it slowly spooled down in the background...

6th Feb 2009, 00:14
"Get me Ted Styrker, he's the only one who can help me now..." the steely eyed skipper of the grand old lady radioed back.

6th Feb 2009, 00:29
"Ted's not available right now, but neoDude is operating his famous conveyor belt runway" crackled the voice in the tiny speaker. "Would you like to use it instead of our regular runway?"

This was the break Bill (Pete?) was looking for. Finally he will have the opportunity to test the conveyor belt theory and save the flight.

6th Feb 2009, 00:35
Carefully, Pete transferred the kinetic energy of the DC-3's forward motion into rotational motion of the main landing wheels. It was a delicate operation, requiring concentration.

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 00:40
"Nadi" Nate, wiping blood from his knife, gazed from the tower into the darkness...

6th Feb 2009, 01:00
He had just finished his nightly snack of six kilos of yams washed down with two gallons of kava, he rested his three hundred kilo frame on the window ledge ...

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 01:10

6th Feb 2009, 01:13
Well, that's one Huey that won't be lifting off tonight said Nate as the window ledge cracked and he fell through the wall.

(Not for the novel - this has to be the longest approach I've ever experienced)

As the lightning cracked across the horizon and the driving (but warm) rain pounded against the windscreen, the DC3 lined up for the notorious short final. "Damn the tower, we have reservations at the hotel bar and my steak is already on the grill", said Peter.

6th Feb 2009, 01:27
I wonder how I'll be able to give Laura the slip this time thought Bill.
Suddenly, the port engine made expensive P&W clanking noises and turned its innards into a thin but savoury broth, before belching its content all
over the port side windows
"I say, thats jolly well torn it" said Peter

6th Feb 2009, 01:39
Kicking rudder to counteract the asymetirical thrust, Peter finally greased the grand old lady onto the tarmac.

"Chirp, chirp!" went the two mains.

Dead cold blue eyes behind Raybans (sunglasses at night?) followed the roll-out from the seat of a WWII vintage jeep.

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 01:39
Nate, the brave, multi-ethnic, and obese hero helicopter pilot, had survived his fall from the tower unscathed. His 300 kilos actually cushioning his fall.
As the kava started it's insidious effects- he'd heard expensive P+W clanking sounds from the night sky.
Were they real? He felt he'd done all he could for his friends, and felt it in God's hands now. He walked past his faithful Huey, safe and snug on the ramp.
He smelled cooking steaks at the hotel, the coup attempt had been squashed, and he needed a few beers, perhaps he'd see his friends at the hotel bar...
He had something he wanted to tell them about his gender dysphoria...

6th Feb 2009, 01:48
Bill to mtce crew.....I want this thing fixed by the morning....replace number one and speed tape the entire left side. And no, I'm not signing anything. And NOT ON FIJI TIME EITHER

We've got a flight to Sydney first thing in the morning. Here's my credit card...or someone's.

6th Feb 2009, 01:50
Clint Eastwood quietly slipped the WWII jeep into gear and let out the clutch
He patted the S&W .44 Magnum tucked into his waistband and muttered
"That Geritrol better be on that plane"

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 02:19
As he walked to the hotel bar, Nate saw someone remarkably handsome in a "Dirty Hairy" kind of way, speed by in an old jeep.
Nate wondered when his package from Victoria's Secret would arrive. The package with the size 24 evening gown?

6th Feb 2009, 02:26
All of sudden there was a flurry of beer bottles thrown at Nate to a chorus of "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm alright"

That steak was very good, I'll have another, with mushers this time and two over-easy eggs on top. Hope that wasn't someone's sacred cow type beef. I'm very sensitive to religious sensitivities. Well OK, not really.

6th Feb 2009, 02:55
The shadowy figure between the hangar and the generator shed was observing the goings on. Neo saw the jeep speed by and had to resist the temptation to fire up the conveyor belt just to see the jeep's bearings melt. Then he shook his head and verified his check list one more time. One hand on the speed sensitive lever, the other on the ignition button. He was ready. As long as that engine swap goes according to plan...

Loose rivets
6th Feb 2009, 03:07
But they had all forgotten the white-bearded old professor in row 7.

"So, they've forgotten me. Leave me sitting on this plane while they go for their steaks and beer." His gnarled hand gripped his walking stick. "But I shall have the last laugh."

His cackle reverberated round the empty cabin.

"They've forgotten - that when Pete carefully transferred the kinetic energy of the DC-3's forward motion into rotational motion of the main landing wheels, that it was a delicate operation, that required concentration." He nodded, agreeing with himself in a self-satisfied sort of way. "Great concentration...which he failed to achieve.

He spread his arms expansively. "They've forgotten that the entire airfield is part of the conveyor belt. Everything...EVERYTHING is traveling at nearly the speed of light. Their beer...their steaks, the girl with big tits in the tower...they're all going to disappear into..............."

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 03:09
Nate clomped dejectedly away from the hotel bar in his size 13 be-jewelled pumps.
The rough and tumble world of South Pacific aviation was just not comfortable with his need to express himself.
He checked in at the desk, where he received his usual veteran's discount.
Perhaps he'd be lucky and "Breakfast at Tiffany's" would be on the telly again tonight.

6th Feb 2009, 03:29
Tiffanny was indeed preparing "breakfast"..in room 303. As she snapped her stocking top, and thought longingly of the night after the night before the last time the flight had departed...her heart raced, and her palms sweated..for only she new the real truth....

Loose rivets
6th Feb 2009, 04:32
...she had sweaty palm, racing heart disease.

6th Feb 2009, 04:48
Clint eased the Jeep into the drop off zone, looked around and noticed a three hundred kilo Fijian cross dresser giving him the once over. Bula, to you to buddy, he wasnt here to mess with any fa'afafine, he had to get that package off the old plane

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 05:20
Nate, the hero helicopter pilot, dejectedly clomped lop-sidedly around in his hotel room. He'd broken one heel off his be-jeweled pumps. As he had been educated in America, he'd forgotten that his 300 kilos equaled roughly 600 pounds. Very hard on fine lady's footwear. He was also dejected because handsome visitors to the Islands often mistook him for being Fijiian (?). Not that Nate had anything against native Fijiians, they are a lovely people, but Nate felt under-appreciated in his multi-ethnic origins.
Nate had a great appreciation for all people's of the world- due to his extensive travels with the military, he'd learned to appreciate all cultures.
He also knew a lot about flying helicopters in combat and how to use a fighting knife properly.
Nate prepared to sharpen his knife, as he needed a sharp knife to affect repairs on the afore-mentioned damaged pump.
He also looked out the window, just to make sure his faithful old Huey was still safe and secure on the airfield.

John Hill
6th Feb 2009, 06:38
But Nate was in for a nasty suprise, when Captain Bill Speaking had told the Air Pathetic ground crew to 'change the engine' that is what they proceeded to do. Off came the remains of the venerable radial and in with the new beute turbo shaft job from Nate's crate.

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 06:54
"Those crackpot mechanics!" Cried Nate in an exaggerated falseto!
"What to do now?" He wondered, as he stared at his once lovely, now engine-less faithful companion. And, "Is that an approved engine conversion for a DC-3?".

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 07:18
Nate thought about doing an internet search to find out, but was too tired.
He took a nice bubble bath, put on his smashing XXXL see-through teddy, and went to bed. It had been a long evening.

6th Feb 2009, 07:36
Frangipani has a seductive perfume, but its value when crushed for oil is, sadly, undervalued. Nate was a lateral thinker (and I've run out of inspiration)

6th Feb 2009, 07:41
... and all his best thinking was done lying down. However, with his mind churning he drifted; his final thought, before Morpheus took him, involved elastic bands; thick, long and twisted.

6th Feb 2009, 12:28
Meanwhile out in the hanger, a team of highly-trained mechanics were working to install the new tubular steel carry-on luggage gauge at the foot of the airstairs.

The muted sound of mutterings and cursings of the welders was suddenly broken by the squeal of the hanger doors sliding back. Surprised at this late-night interruption to their overtime scheme, they looked around: a gigantic jackbooted female figure stood there, wearing a familiar blue-and-yellow uniform.

"Oh no" said Ahmed (who had often flown into GRN as an unwanted, if not actually illegal, immigrant: "it can't be - can it ?"

6th Feb 2009, 13:41
"Oh yes it can", barked Sally. "I've been looking for you, you dirty bastard"

"It, it, it wasn't my fault" Ahmed stammered. "I thought you were a gonner when you bought that ticket for Virgin Blue"

"Cut the crap wise guy", Sally breathed. "Drop your daks and let me see what you're really made of".

"Oh, oh, oh," stammered Ahmed; suddenly afraid that his/her life as a lesbian transexual would now be found out.....

6th Feb 2009, 17:17
"Ahem," intruded the Nadian Health and Safety Inspector.

"I'm afraid you simply cannot drop trou, er, robe here. This is not cleared for either an environmental impact study on unclothed genitalia or the sexual harassment clause in the worker's contracts.

"As such, I'm issuing you both a summons to appear in court Thursday next."

Rolling their eyes simultaneously, Ahmed and Sally both pulled concealed Lugers and stitched the back of the Inspector with blossoming red holes.

The shots were heard in the hotel bar...

6th Feb 2009, 17:39
Angela Lansbury, who had been recovering from the stressful landing over a Strawberry Daiquiri in the bar, heard the sound of gun fire coming from the airfield....

6th Feb 2009, 17:45
Must be those Fijians staging another coup she thought.

6th Feb 2009, 17:49
Quickly Angela Lansbury finished her Strawberry Daiquiri and slammed the empty glass down on the table. Then looking at her female assistant, whom use to be a model for Victoria's Secrets, who was hiding in a corner of the bar trying, unsuccesfully, not to be noticed by the pilots. Angela proclaimed to her, "Jane, pen and paper at once, there is a story here, come with me!"

With that the two ran out of the bar door heading toward the hangar.

6th Feb 2009, 19:19
Dodging the lady trying to sell them priority boarding slips, they.....

John Hill
6th Feb 2009, 19:23
..... charged blindly from the front bar of the Gateway Hotel and failed to see, or hear, the rumbling cane train crossing Airport Road. Jane was the first to go, struck on the rump by an extra long length of stalk from a cultivated hybrid of S. spontaneum, she went face down in the roadside mud where she was later found by a passing taxi driver (in his HT Holden Station Sedan, white, with external sunvisor), who thinking she was an Australian tourist shouted something to her, Jane being something of an ornithologist though he was asking her about Phalacrocorax.

Angela, meanwhile, found herself entangled in the aptly named cowcatcher.....

6th Feb 2009, 20:52
Observing all this, Neo thought to himself "wonder if I could use strong cables instead of rails and have a train go on a conveyor belt-like contraption, melting its bearings".

6th Feb 2009, 21:40
Jane, having freed herself from the crazed taxicab driver who had confused her with a Black bird only found in Australia and New Zealand, realized that she had to rescue her boss posthaste as she was dependent on her for her salary. As she ran toward the now stopped train she was feverishly praying that Angela had not broken anything, especially the hand that signed the pay checks.

As Jane approached the front of the train where the cowcatcher was, she suddenly realized that she had lost her blouse, was now topless and covered from head to toe in mud. 'Oh my God!' she thought, 'There are pilots everywhere. What will I do?'

Light Westerly
6th Feb 2009, 21:52
Suddenly, Nate, the gender-dysphoric hero helicopter pilot appeared.
"I've got a blouse you can borrow!"
"It is rather large though..." He told her.

John Hill
6th Feb 2009, 23:29
Jane donned Nate's blouse which completely covered her from head to toe causing her to be mistaken for a burqa clad maiden and was immediately offered a head stewardess job with Arianna Afghan Airways flying twice weekly to Pershawa on their Yak-40.

John Hill
6th Feb 2009, 23:33
Note to con-pilot, see http://www.teara.govt.nz/EarthSeaAndSky/BirdsOfSeaAndShore/Shags/3/en (http://www.teara.govt.nz/EarthSeaAndSky/BirdsOfSeaAndShore/Shags/3/en)

7th Feb 2009, 00:04
Well, hell John, they looked mostly black to me. :p

7th Feb 2009, 00:39
Check your pms Con. Nite.

Light Westerly
7th Feb 2009, 02:38
Somewhere, in the forest, an Australian Drop Bear fell to the ground.

Where's Captain Bill Speaking, and his trusty copilot Pete?

7th Feb 2009, 02:48
Meanwhile Captain Bill and Pete were trying to get to the bottom of the birdstrike back at the hotel.....where the discussions were very heated...

Loose rivets
7th Feb 2009, 05:57
It was at that moment that Corgrention Et Fung, from the outer planet of the system Skraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak wun Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarksplo. (pronounced Bib.) came in.

"Be calm oh people of the Earth. A cure for all the sorrows of mankind is at hand. Upon my intergalactic quantum-tunneling machine, is the answer to..."


"Why did you do that??!!" Screamed Jane, her massive breasts bursting from her oversize blouse.

The reply was more of a growl than an explanation.

"He came from a good Skraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak wun Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarksplo, pronounced Bib, family. But he's no good. Fungs aint what they used to be."

7th Feb 2009, 07:10
Earth to Pete. This is Capt Bill.

This walkaround is not going well, mis-matched engines were never a good feeling for me. They always went walkabout.

So, I've just put a few bucks on my Visa ultra-platinum-gold-rhodium card and brought in the back-up aircraft. It's 20 minutes out and we'll be gear up in an hour or my name isn't......errr... Bill. I know it's inferior to the Douglas product, but we'll just have to make do. Round up the freight type passengers.


7th Feb 2009, 16:37
Seeing and hearing Capt. Pete that a new aircraft was on its way was making Neo nervous. His conveyor belt was good for a dual radials of the Dakota, even with one swapped for a turbine, but a modern jet? The belt needed some upgrades and quick. He pulled out his trusty iPhone and launched Safari Browser. eBay here we come. A quick search for "conveyor belt upgrade parts" provided 13,582 listings for anything from decals to full blown assemblies crated and awaiting shipment, as soon as one's PayPal payment cleared. Now if only there was someone local...

7th Feb 2009, 17:17
Meanwhile, we join a meeting in a smoke filled boardroom in the Wine Region of France.

"Mon Duie, Allors, zee Captain Petes as ordered zee GoofStream 550. Zist caanot be allowed. We must sell zee 7X that the stupid peoples of Merica made Citi Group give back."

A sudden hush quietens the boardroom. Then.

"Launch zee Fightor, at vonce!"


Paradise Lost
8th Feb 2009, 00:13
The klaxon sounded in the corrugated 'Ready Hangar' and Klaus, the duty Rafale pilot, stubbed out his Gauloise, finished his digestif and ambled towards his machine.
He couldn't help but notice ........

8th Feb 2009, 00:34
That in the dark his Rafael was actually a Jaguar, and only realized that his aircraft had been tied to a lamppost after he tried to taxi...


8th Feb 2009, 00:35
... the third bottle of Chassagne Montrachet Premier Cru had made him feel a little sleepier than usual...

8th Feb 2009, 02:27
probably because of the drugs he had consumed with the Russian girl in the toilet of the Black Lace Club, sometime early Thursday morning. They had been talking about the airflow around a Mig FoxBat's bomb release doors at transonic speeds.

She mentioned she would like to drop a bomb while he was at transonic speed...the rest got a little vauge from there......

Loose rivets
8th Feb 2009, 03:20
Back at the Greasy Spoon, the three middle-aged men sitting at the corner table stood up and one stepped forward.

"Excuse me, we've been listening to your conversations, and we feel that you may be able to help us."

Pete eyed the three men - uniformly clad in their light gabardine raincoats. They looked strangely familiar.

"Who are you?" asked Pete, his eyes squinting in the cigarette smoke.

"Nobody...that is, Nobodies." Said the first stranger. "But I expect you find us strangely familiar."

"No! Not at all!" Replied Pete, his fear all too plain to see.

"Relax Fella." Said the second man. His smoothed down gray hear quite unruffled. "Sure you know us...We're the guys from Air America."

Pete's gasp was clear for all to hear. "AIR AMERICA?"

The third raincoated man laughed. "Did we say Air America? Haaaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaaa haaaaa.........What we meant to say was the C.I.........."

"That's quite enough Earle...Yeah, fella, we're from Air America, and we'd like to offer you a job."

8th Feb 2009, 03:57
"Air America? Sheesh you must be kidding young man" Pete said

"Kidding?... Why would we be kidding?" Questioned the three men

8th Feb 2009, 04:52
A shadowy figure in a black trenchcoat stepped into the room and flashed her black stockings, then put a .22 into each of the heads of the Air America personnel.

French fighter planes grounded by computer virus
French fighter planes were unable to take off after military computers were infected by a computer virus, an intelligence magazine claims.

by Kim Willsher in Paris
Last Updated: 9:52PM GMT 07 Feb 2009

French fighter jets were unable to take off after military computers were attacked by a virus Photo: AFP
The aircraft were unable to download their flight plans after databases were infected by a Microsoft virus they had already been warned about several months beforehand.

At one point French naval staff were also instructed not to even open their computers.

Microsoft had warned that the "Conficker" virus, transmitted through Windows, was attacking computer systems in October last year, but according to reports the French military ignored the warning and failed to install the necessary security measures.

The French newspaper Ouest France said the virus had hit the internal computer network at the French Navy.

Jérome Erulin, French navy spokesman told the paper: "It affected exchanges of information but no information was lost. It was a security problem we had already simulated. We cut the communication links that could have transmitted the virus and 99 per cent of the network is safe."

However, the French navy admitted that during the time it took to eradicate the virus, it had to return to more traditional forms of communication: telephone, fax and post.

Naval officials said the "infection"' was probably due more to negligence than a deliberate attempt to compromise French national security. It said it suspected someone at the navy had used an infected USB key.

The Sicmar Network, on which the most sensitive documents and communications are transmitted was not touched, it said. "The computer virus problem had no effect on the availability of our forces." The virus attacked the non-secured internal French navy network called Intramar and was detected on 21 January. The whole network was affected and military staff were instructed not to start their computers.

According to Liberation newspaper, two days later the chiefs of staff decided to isolate Intramar from the military's other computer systems, but certain computers at the Villacoublay air base and in the 8th Transmissions Regiment were infected. Liberation reported that on the 15 and 16 January the Navy's Rafale aircraft were "nailed to the ground" because they were unable to "download their flight plans". The aircraft were eventually activated by "another system".

Liberation also reported that Microsoft had identified the Conficker virus in the autumn of 2008 and had advised users from October last year to update their security patches. IntelligenceOnline reports that "at the heart of the (French) military, the modifications were, for the most part, not done." It was only on the 16 January "three months later" that the navy chiefs of staffs began to act.

"At that point, the chiefs of staff and the defence ministry had no idea how many computers or military information systems were vulnerable to having been contaminated by the virus," said Liberation.

Zut alors, that's that then. That thing would have needed at least 8 fuel stops anyway and would've been here in March sometime.

Ready to start No. 1.

Loose rivets
8th Feb 2009, 08:23
Yes, yes, we know all that...but what about the girl in the black trench-coat? Was she wearing anything underneath? :E I think we should be told.

8th Feb 2009, 10:22
She opened the coat to replace the 22 in its holster, exposing as she did so an unusually...

8th Feb 2009, 10:33
Hairy chest!

8th Feb 2009, 12:53
so..... she's not French, then, thought Bill......

sled dog
8th Feb 2009, 15:31
perhaps she is Portuguese, or Spanish, or Luxembourgish, having had experience of them all when he was working as a Private Eye in ...

8th Feb 2009, 17:10
an exclusive opthalmic surgery, where the patients included elderly pilots hoping to retain their ...

8th Feb 2009, 17:40
ability to get their gear up often falters, because they are utterly flummoxxed, flummoxed,I tell you, by the choices between hydraulic, pneumatic, spring-loaded, or rubber band drive. So anyway,

Loose rivets
8th Feb 2009, 17:59
...there was a Garkle. Gip Gip Garkle.

"What the that was fcuk?" Said Pete.


"Oh, what the fcuk was that? That noise...did you hear it?"

They all stood perfectly still, there was not a sound...apart from some brushy noises coming from the beautiful spy's chest.

"There! One the floor. Corgrention Et Fung...He's not dead. Hooray! maybe he can help us."

They all looked at Pete.

"It is just possible, that he may be a teeeeeeeeeeeeeeensy bit miffed with us. Having shot him and that."

"Nah...people from the outer planet of the system Skraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak wun Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarksplo - pronounced Bib, don't hold grudges."

"Are you sure? He seems to be staring at you in a funny way."


8th Feb 2009, 20:20
"Absolute...AAAARGH....Absolute Vodka" came a srangled whisper from the dark, "....and a priest....a Catholic priest.....a goat and three foot of rubber tubing...."

The watchers looked at each other in amazement.

then Pete spoke. "Does this mean that

8th Feb 2009, 20:32
...we're engaged?"

9th Feb 2009, 10:11
They were interrupted by the musical tinkle of a number 16 spanner slipping down inside the guts of a Prat and Whitney Houson (we've had that joke already - ed) radial engine. "Damn and blast" muttered old Ethan the hanger mechanic, "if I ain't burred the last fastning nut on that bolt-on turbercharger I bought off that smart young fellow on e-bay last week."

Zipping up his overalls he rose from his stool with an aching

9th Feb 2009, 10:24

He managed to hobble over to the...

9th Feb 2009, 10:59

Was that stool as in seat or stool as in ah... the other type of stool?? Not that it really matters.


sled dog
9th Feb 2009, 12:10
nearest bottle shop, where he bought, for lunch break, two cases of Fosters and ...........

9th Feb 2009, 13:05
VH-MLE asked: OFSO,

Was that stool as in seat or stool as in ah... the other type of stool?? Not that it really matters.

Wiping his hands on a greasy scrap of cloth he took from his pocket, Ethan deftly opened a Fosters with the centre-bearing of an impeller. He took a long draft and wiped his mouth, then looked over at Pete and Bill and Ted and Hyacinth.

"You young'ans better get movin'" he said, "one engine or two, get outta here before typhoon Barbra hits - the mercury's already down lower than I ain't never seen it before."

Bill and Hyacith and Ted and Emily looked at each other in consternation. How could they have been so foolish as to forget the viagra ?

"Quick" said Bill "back in the DC-3 before the volcano blows". Readjusting their garments, they ran to the stairs, and it wasn't long before the door was bolted, and the throbbing of the mighty

9th Feb 2009, 14:08
conveyor belt started to thunder in the distance. As they taxied to the runway, Neo was getting ready to adjust the speed "exactly" to match the speed of the wheels (or was it of the bearing, or the propeller).

9th Feb 2009, 14:15
dammit, Dushan. You got in just before I was going to post my bit about the mighty Wurlitzer.

9th Feb 2009, 14:52
dammit, Dushan. You got in just before I was going to post my bit about the mighty Wurlitzer.

Sorry Sallyann1234,
you can always exploit the posibility of the Wurlitzer not playing as it is rotating on the conveyor belt, at the exact speed of the record...

9th Feb 2009, 17:47
Little did Pete, Bill, Felicity, John, Obama and Hyacinth know that during their brief stop-over, A & P mechanics had bolted the Mighty Wurlitzer into the rear storage compartment of the DC-3. Coupled to the starboard motor gearbox drive, it was preprogammed to play the Overture to Tannhauser - with all stops out.

Thus, as the engines rose to their maximum revs, blue flames from the exhausts mingling with smoke from the cockpit windows as Bill drew on his spliff, the sounds of Wagner roared thru the aircraft.

Pete smiled. He'd always felt his life was more like a film rôle, only without the background music, and as he eased the stick forard to lift the tailwheel off the ground, he found that no longer was he experiencing a sense of loss in his life.

Yet what was that four-legged dark shadow racing through the night, more felt than seen, under the wing ? Could it be ?

"Pete" shouted Eveline in his ear over the sounds of the crazed Nibelungen, "We've forgotten......

sled dog
9th Feb 2009, 19:26
Fenris, our faithful Norwegian Elk Hound, who is about to jump aboard and bite our..........

9th Feb 2009, 20:54
Back at the terminal dropoff Clints back had gone and he couldnt get out of the WWII Jeep.He was busting for a pee..

Loose rivets
9th Feb 2009, 20:58
perhaps he could pis in a tin.:}

9th Feb 2009, 21:39
Boom ...Boom! http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/fox.gif

DX Wombat
9th Feb 2009, 21:53
'twas the sound of .....

9th Feb 2009, 21:56
Angelas heart nearly bursting her silk bodice ...we int had a silk bodice yet right?

9th Feb 2009, 21:57
*She saw.....

9th Feb 2009, 22:01
Jane, the former model. It is something that is not talked about in polite mixed company.

9th Feb 2009, 22:42
Especially in BumFuk Idaho where Clints uncle was an Old Block potato farmer. Clint really was a chip off the old block you might might say...

10th Feb 2009, 00:46
The DC-3 was crabbing above the conveyor belt covered runway due to the difference in thrust produced by the prop and jet engines. Capt. Pete had his foot planted on the rudder pedal to overcome the slant, but Neo was having none of it. He silently congratulated himself for having the forethought to install the latest model of the conveyor belt, the "TwinMaster". He carefully manipulated the levers to adjust the speed of the dual belts to "exactly" match the speed of the wheels. Unfortunately, to his dismay, the "Dakota" was taking off. "maybe I should have listened to those aviation types on PPruNe" he muttered to himself. He threw his arms up in the air, at the very moment when the DC-3 rotated and became airborne.

10th Feb 2009, 05:42
As the DC-3 crabbed ever more fearfully to one side, Bill and Pete wrestled with the controls. The mighty Whitley-Prat radial was giving all it had but couldn't match the thrust coming from under the other wing. "Go to emergency power" screamed Bill. Peter looked in horror at the last indent on the throttle quadrant, still with its protecting slip of "sanitized for your protection and never never use" paper. Could he ? Would the old ship take it ? No, he didn't have he guts, he thought.

Hyacinth meanwhile was involved in a rescue operation of her own: opening the door she looked out. They were still only a few inches above the conveyor belt and Fenris the Faithful Norwegian Elkhound was galloping along to one side. "C'mon Boy, you can make it !" she called, and hearing that well-loved voice and remembering so many illicit pleasures, he gave one mighty leap and was inside the cabin.

Such was his speed that unable to stop Fenris ran the length of the plane, ending up behind the left hand seat in the cockpit. In a desperate attempt to save himself the dog stuck his lolloping red tongue in Pete's unexpecting ear. With a convulsive lunge, Pete's hand hit the throttle and they were through into emergency power.

The lumbering DC-3 straightened up, and Judy's size 38D breasts were

10th Feb 2009, 09:30
bulging out of her shirt, clearly smaller than what she required with her equiptment ...she couldnt help but let out a slight scream of terror, the engines pushed to beyond limits as the aircraft began to bank hard to the left, pete managed to....

10th Feb 2009, 09:48
pull back the screaming engines, but as the breasts closed around his face he could not see that they were heading straight towards the volcano which had started to...

10th Feb 2009, 10:14
spurt fire and lava. "Quick, woman" shouted Bill "to the rear of the plane !" She looked at him with affection in her eyes. "No, not for that" cried Bill, "but if one thing can save us now, it's a yaw damper. And your enormous mammery glands if unrestrained should serve that function." With a tearful glance at the Norwegian Elke hound who was unconcernedly licking his evil-smelling nether parts - ever since Mt St Helens he'd known it was a good distraction from volcanic activity - the half naked girl lashed herself to the

10th Feb 2009, 10:31
..the dunny door with cable, where the lusty crew, would have a screw, whenever they were able, however, she fell into the shitter, when the Nav got mad and hit her, "You dopey slut, are you half cut? You must have stole me Bitter" ... its a fookin horrible affliction, does anyone know if yer can get LIMERICK patches?....

sled dog
10th Feb 2009, 19:58
pill which i should have taken after spending all night with your mother, who is well known to be a late middle aged raving..........

10th Feb 2009, 20:07
blue-haired type person.

Climb established, Bill turned back to the novel he was writing on his lap titled....

"Back to the All Night Lights".

"Like the pun? I think it will entice the publishers."

By the way we're heading towards a typhooooon.

Oops, I need the lav......

10th Feb 2009, 20:14
"Huh, was that the VLAV or LLAV buddy?" asked Bill

11th Feb 2009, 00:09
Judy looked at Bill.... puzziling her brow in a vein attempt to understand the situation.....

Loose rivets
11th Feb 2009, 05:04

Hyacinth looked up from her knitting. "Yes dear?"

"What are you thinking old girl?"

"I was just thinking about Judy and Bill...wondering if they ever got married."

"Oh." Pete prodded at the fire. "Drink your coco old girl, it'll be getting cold."

"Yes dear...thank you. What made you ask."

"Oh, I don't know, just your expression I suppose...I can always tell when you're reminiscing."

Hyacinth smiled and sipped at her coco. It had been some forty years since they'd been on their adventures together, and still she hadn't opened the secret casket that the old man had left in row seven. She'd worked out the combination years ago, but never pulled the bolt all the way back. Strange that she hadn't wanted to...strange that she felt that now was the time.

"Just pop to the kitchen and get me the Eskeptulon biscuits dear."

There was just time to reach under her chair and pull the slide.

Pete's voice echoed from the kitchen. "Eskeptulon with fruity bits, or Eskeptulon with those little brown parrot-turd things on top?"

"Eskeptulon with parrot-turds." She said, without really considering how long it took to pick the brown bits off. The bolt slid all the way for the first time in decades.

"Here you are dear. I must say they smell absolutely hor......" Pete dropped the plate. "Hyacinth! what's happening? He screamed. "The rooms flowing into the chair...and you've spilled your coco. Oh, NO! It's a time vortex...one of those that are a by-product of a Yaw-correcting conveyor belt. We're doomed!"

In an instant, they were back in the old DC3.

11th Feb 2009, 10:16
Staring through the windscreen, Bill could see little ahead. At first he thought he'd gone blind -"at last my misspent youth is catching up with me" he thought - but peering to his left he could see the blue exhaust flames from the large rotary thing on the wing. 'We must have missed the volcano' he mused.

But where were they ? That new-fangled thruster under the other wing was drinking fuel like there was no tomorrow, and here they were heading out over the Pacific. They'd have to plan a landing within the next hour or so, especially with Judy needing a new garment to cover her superb endowments.

He grabbed a chart: no land for three thousand miles. And then he remembered: wasn't the US Seventh Fleet supposed to be somewhere near ? and surely they'd have an aircraft carrier - maybe two or three ? But a deck landing with a DC-3 ? had it been done ? They'd need a tailhook, not the association but a real one.....

11th Feb 2009, 11:30
..but it was too late to fit one now.
Fortunately Judy had a plan. Setting the RT to 121.5, she cooed into the mic "Hi there guys, this is Judy. Remember me from Saigon?"
The air was filled with a thousand heterodynes as the entire Seventh Fleet remembered what Judy did for them that night.
"I'm in a Dak overhead, my bra is bust, and I'm running short of fuel. Can you help?"

Light Westerly
11th Feb 2009, 11:49

12th Feb 2009, 01:38
Admiral Parker was at the bridge of the carrier. He didn't want that WWII beer can on his deck, but then, he started to think about that night and about Judy and himself...

John Hill
12th Feb 2009, 01:45
...... then he remembered his wife and the new Buick convertible still to be paid off..

12th Feb 2009, 02:02
but as he thought of the convertible suddenly "topless" came into his head, and he could not shake the image of Judy and her auburn hair from his mind.

henry crun
12th Feb 2009, 02:22
He tried to dismiss it from his mind, but the image of those armpits full of auburn hair kept coming back.

Oh well, he thought to himself, I shall just have to...................

12th Feb 2009, 04:08
...go to bed early. He turned to his RIO who was incorrectly dressed in Peanut Butters. "Keep an eye on that tin can out there , if it lands on this bird farm, dont wake me, contact the CAG and throw the occupants to the SEALS. But save the hairy armpits for me. Dont screw the pooch or there will be TAD for you mister.Wake me at 0300 Zulu."

12th Feb 2009, 08:34
Meanwhile back in the DC3's cabin, Hyacinth found a parachute stashed behind a seat. A single, solitary chute between the five of them onboard. Which of them would be lucky enough to use it?
"If I tell the crew, they'll give it to that bitch with the big t!ts." she thought, "Why does she get all the breaks? If I ask the captain to make me feel like a woman, I'll only get that corny joke about ironing his shirt."
Just then, her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden

12th Feb 2009, 09:54
...cry from the cockpit. "Hey you ladies back there" came the voice of Bill (or it may have been Pete) "if I'm going to put this old bucket down on the deck of the USS..." (deleted for security reasons, i.e., I can't think of the flattop's name) "....we're gonna have to stop before we go off the front end" (navel aviator's technical term for "bow").

Judy and Hyacinth looked up from where they were playing with the Norwegian Elkhound, who was wagging his tail, blissfully.

"Now I've been thinking" continued Pete (or possibly Bill) "We can make a tailhook using two bras and the dog's collar, tie it to the tailwheel thru the rear wheel inspection hatch, if they can hold a 38D breast, they should be strong enough to take the strain. But you ladies are gonna have to

sled dog
12th Feb 2009, 11:58
stop playing with Fenris a real dog, by the way, belongs to a friend and does go Elk hunting every year wash your hands and get ready to remove...

12th Feb 2009, 16:44
"But that's no good! " interrupted Judy "didn't you hear me tell the Navy my bra has snapped? Hang on a minute though - what are you hiding under your ironing board Hyacinth? It looks like a parachute pack. If we push that out the rear hatch it will act as an airbrake, and hopefully catch on the arrestor wire. Now we just need the Navy to

12th Feb 2009, 18:43
........erect their.....

Loose rivets
12th Feb 2009, 20:13
petard pulling equipment, and we're off.

Meanwhile, far far away - twenty trillion Quaddillo-clicks in fact, on the outer planet of the system Skraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak wun Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarksplo - pronounced Bib, an elderly member of the Fung family, climbed out of his mucus pond.

"Slaaaaarb...grok...slaaaaaaaaaaaarp." A foam of small bubbles formed on the end of his trunk.

"Do speak English dear, Corgrention would expect it of you."

"Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarp! Slurrrrrrrrrp. Cruk!"

"Darling! I asked you to speak English."

"Dammit woman, I'm just blowing my trunk. Can't a fella even do that in peace?"

Betty Et Fung looked at her husband. "Mmmm. So you say dear...so you say. Funny how you seem to be blowing your nose every time we talk of our boy. What's the latest message on the Faster-than-a-fast-wave receiver?"

"That shlott-grot Hyacinth, has worked out the combination for the Time-Modifier case...'got at the Zorto-detector and been messing with time. She's worse than that damn Professor chap...made a total mess of things by the sound of it. Slaaaaarp."

"Do wipe your nose dear."

At that moment, there was a knock at the door.

"Fungness Et Fungnesson, we have a message for you."

"A message! What is it?"

"It's a small piece of paper with writing on it, but that doesn't mat..."

The messenger was interrupted by a loud Slllllllaaaaaaaaaaarp!

"Eeeeeewwwww...you've just Slaaaaarped all over the message. Eeeeeeeewwww. I knew I didn't want to do this job...and I hate talking English. And I really, really hate snot."

With that, he left.

"I suppose we'll never know what the message said."

Betty picked up the paper with a spare rectal tentacle.

"Oh dear! It just says, 'Conveyor belt spinning out of control. Send..." She looked at her husband meaningfully. "I can't read the rest."

12th Feb 2009, 20:24
Geezaz, thought Bill, Petes been on the cactus juice again...

12th Feb 2009, 20:42
now the good olde piston engine was having problem coping with the jetfuel. It didn't go with a bang but a whimp.

12th Feb 2009, 20:44
Meanwhile back at the bar.......

Jane, now clean and wearing new clothes musses, "Who the hell is this Judy bitc, err person? Just where did she come from? It should me up there in that deathtrap DC-3 topless and it should be my bra that they should be using for the carrier landing. But wait, I never wear a bra." Angrily she slams down her drink causing her frozen Margarita to splash out of the glass into the face of an alien.

'An alien she thinks, where did he come from and what does he want?'

The alien takes its trunk and wipes off his faces, looks at Jane and says, "Gobllllick rannker bumfun gak."

Jane give the alien a strange look and replies, "Speak English you idiot, where do you think you are?"

"Oh sorry, time/space/warp travel sometimes confuses me. I read your mind and if possible I would like to help you Sir."

"Sir! Wow, you're really not from around here are you."

12th Feb 2009, 21:46
Beep! Beep! Beep!

Rollingthunder reluctantly rolled over, reached out and killed the alarm.

Sh!t he thought... what a lousy dream. That's the last time I eat strong cheese before going to bed.

12th Feb 2009, 22:24
and chocolate,

Oh, hell that's the GPWS, and I was so snug and comfortable. Please see for me that her hair's hanging down, for she was once a true love of mine. Tell her I'll be waiting in the usual place.

Power damnit Bill, power, throttles up.

13th Feb 2009, 19:08
throttles up as they came in over the fantail. Under the tailwheel, two bras fluttered in the breeze with a tarpon fishing hook attached to the rear one. By a miracle this caught the number 4 wire and the main gear thudded to the ground. Bill retarded the throttles as the aircraft slowed...and slowed...and slowed... nothing like those carrier landings he'd seen John Wayn do on "Flying Lethernecks".... the aircraft was still slowing. Just before it went off the front end (must remember it's the "bow" thought Bill) the DC-3 came to a shuddering halt. And then something totally unexpected happened, and the aircraft started rolling backwards..faster and faster. "Hang on !" shouted Bill over his shoulder, "we're doing a gnidnal !"

13th Feb 2009, 21:31
"If I can only remember what a gnidnal is."

13th Feb 2009, 22:11
bdcortez: It happens after every ffoekat.

(Try and get some sleep now RT)

13th Feb 2009, 23:57
(What and miss a fine Navy meal? They feed them damn fine on A/C carriers. As much as you want as long as you eat it all. Three T-Bones, hash browns and six eggs over easy please. Then cheese and chocolate.)

"Don't they have any booze on these god-forsaken ships? Twas never like this in the Grey Funnel Line."

14th Feb 2009, 01:59
From the bridge the RIO, who was still incorrectly dressed in Peanut Butters looked at the DC-3 concidering getting hold of the CAG, feed the occupants to the SEALS and as promised, save the hairy armpits for the cpt..

14th Feb 2009, 02:37
It was going to be no TAD for him, oh no siree, where were those damn SEALS ?.His hand hovered near the GQ alarm. Christ he thought, looking through his glasses, the hairy one is a BOSNIA, hope the Air Boss gets her below before she ends up a FODburger...

14th Feb 2009, 08:50
Meanwhile in the mess the SEALs were at the second course (red herrings in brine with cod sushi on the side) of their dinner, when the alarm sounded:
"All hands on deck on the double...we gotta old tin can about to do a gnidnal !" (which happens after every ffoekat)

14th Feb 2009, 12:41
There was a stampede up the stairs to the flight deck and the hatch was pushed open. But they were too late. The twin elastic straps on Hyacinth and Judy's bras had done their terrible work.

As the SEALS stood there speechless - for many of them a very new experience -the DC-3 accelerated backwards down the flightdeck and disappeared into the air above the fantail in a perfect gnidnal.

"Now that's a Wright mess" observed Commander Haddock, "quick - hard astern - maybe we'll catch them
on the rebound."

Meanwhile, flying backwards 300' above and behind the flatop, there was consternation on the flightdeck..

14th Feb 2009, 13:14
Haddock was too late. A grouper his sailors watched the plane goby and he smelt their fear as the snappers on Judy's damaged bra burst open. The sole remaining bra could not maintain the plane's momentum and it fell towards the carrier. But as the ship eeled over into the wind, the plane could only perch on the edge of the deck before falling into the sea.
Its unfortunate crew floundered about in the water, calling for help.
In jumped the SEALs, followed by the DOLPHINs, but the SHARKs were already circling. "Can I hold on to your lifejacket Judy?" called Bob. "You cheeky bugger" replied Judy, "that's not a lifejacket, those are my...."

14th Feb 2009, 13:43
...bags of Norwegian Elkhound food". There came a wagging from under the water.......

14th Feb 2009, 15:09
"ffoekat!" shouted Judy, "either there are dogfish down here as well, or Bob is pleased to see me and has burst his codpiece!"
Fortunately one of the SEALs had reached her with a liferaft and he pulled her out of the water. She could tell by his unusual hairstyle that he was a wrassetafarian. "I'm so grateful you rescued me." she said, "Is there a plaice we can be alone?"

Loose rivets
14th Feb 2009, 17:17
"Not right now! This is a large scale emergency!!

14th Feb 2009, 17:57
"I think that your remark's a red herring, little missie" grinned the seal, lifting her away from the grasping paws of the elk-hound.

14th Feb 2009, 18:43
It was now o'dark 300. The RIA was to wake the Captain.How could he explain away this cluster f#ck? It would be ADSEP for him when the captan heard the hairy one was in the water with a bunch of randy bullet sponges. Where was that noodle winger?....

15th Feb 2009, 01:42
On the stout ship some of the frantic sailors had managed to throw a ropeladder over the side but to the flat top crews astonishment, the first who got hold of it was the Norwegian Elkhound. Its climbings skills, due to time spent as a puppy chasing nowegians Ibexgoats up and down the steepest slopes in the deepest fjords, made it enter the ship in no time.

Loose rivets
15th Feb 2009, 04:29
"Neeeegh! Attention everyone. This sketch is getting silly and should be canceled."

The general scanned every still face as they stood awkwardly to attention. "Leave the set...c'mon, get a move on."

Crestfallen, all the players walked, shoulders drooping, to the wings.

"That's better, get a move on...or off, whichever is greater by the power of ten."

However, what the General didn't know was that the alien being, had a trick or two up his sleeve. Unbeknownst to the hoard, the creature was waaaaay ahead of the game. Since the mysterious box had returned from the future, courtesy of Hyacinth's curiosity, he was able to travel forward a spell, then come back - armed with the knowledge that he was about to be killed.

He had called home for help, but what he didn't know of course, was that his dad would cover the message in snot, and render it - in part at least - unreadable. The Hypothalamic sexducer was not included in the rescue kit. When he had opened the box, he had uttered one of the worst words ever to be used by a resident of Bib.

"Pibble!" He whispered, in the lowest of tones. He certainly did not want to offend the Great-Galactic deity, Pib.

Pib of Bib was fearful when peaked. Worse still, under these circumstances, he was also prone to utter the very worst word. Believe me, when Pib is moved to shout Pibble, it just makes him all the more mad and the results can quickly escalate to galaxy crushing proportions. It doesn't stop there. Crushing one of his favorite galaxies in a fit of peak, makes Pib shout Pibble even louder, and the whole things starts over again, until complete quadrants are vaporized before flowing into a Mauve Hole.

You can see how dismayed our alien must have been to cuss like that in the first place.

He resorted to his standby plan...evil? yes. Cruel? Very, but also very, very satisfying in its juicy finality. He pulled his last hope out of the box.

"Take that...."

16th Feb 2009, 13:40
"Take that" he said, handing him a small semi hemi spherical glass object. "..but...can it be ?" stammered the hapless alien.

"Yes" came the answer "inside is a small figurine of a girl wearing a school uniform and when you shake it you can watch her wrestling in custard."

The alien half-heartedly swirled the glassoid between his cruel claw-tipped fingers. Suddenly the surroundings became a blur.

"Zyproh Klebi" hissed the alien between his teeth, "You fiend - we're being transported to another thread !"

Loose rivets
16th Feb 2009, 19:34
Who's side you on??!!Cried the little girl in the custard.

sled dog
18th Feb 2009, 08:44
Why should this innocent child be held by the police in custard,thought..........

18th Feb 2009, 09:55
"Jesus H. Christ," said Crosshair, "is this thread still going?"

18th Feb 2009, 13:13
Meanwhile, full eight fathoms deep (or something) the lumbering DC-3 was still being pulled at 30 knots behind the flatop by the two sets of bra elastic. As the water swirled around the mighty Eamon Andrews prop on the port engine, it gave a twitch..then another....then rotated. Slugishly rotated, but rotated. Slowly and then faster, then slowly, then faster.

The generator, waterproofed by years of grease, swung with the prop, sending out a pulse of 12/24/48v DC/AC/RF (delete as appropriate) towards the CF5-J 29E slung under the starboard wing.....where a few drops of fuel remained in an air pocket (OK, then fuel pocket) by the igniter.

Fitfully (love that word !) a spark glommed it's way across the contacts; a drop of fuel ignited; and with a thunderous roar the engine cleared its brassy throat. With a thunderous roar (that's anoher thunderous roar, not the previous one) the DC-3 came back to life, and surged forward and upwards. To those matelots standing on the fantail, it seemed as if

18th Feb 2009, 13:54
they might be able to propel the plane underwater.
But of course it was an impossible dream. Both engines required oxygen for combustion, and the air trapped inside them was soon exhaused. With salt water inside the cylinders and around the turbine blades, the engines seized permanently,( that's PERMANENTLY, do you hear?) and the crippled DC3 sank to the bottom of the ocean never, never to be seen again.

18th Feb 2009, 15:52
...by human eye, that is. However, in the depths far far below, in his ancient city of R'leh, Mighty Cthulhu was stirring as the DC-3 drifted down. "Hmmm" he thought, "....

18th Feb 2009, 15:57
as the alien spaceship on the sea floor shuddered into life. Rising gently towards the surface with the DC3 on its back...

19th Feb 2009, 00:14
"Ernie Gann, eat my shorts!" exclaimed Pete.

23rd Feb 2009, 20:27
he stood real close to the garage doors....then slowly backed away, reading the words he had sprayed there:


Loose rivets
24th Feb 2009, 07:36
Sadly, he had not backed away enough, and when the time capsule - hidden in the garage for the last 1,000 years - fell over, it hit the doors a mighty whaaaaaaam, and they burst open and knocked the spray can right up into the graffitiist's nose. Sadly, it went off inside his head, and painted the inside of his eyes black.

"I can't see...help meeeeeeee!"

It was at that moment, that the top of the time capsule started to unscrew."

24th Feb 2009, 21:12
I Work nights at the Tarmac on B737/757s so I keep thinking of them.
On my off day......maybe what I need to do the next morning.