PDA

View Full Version : The February Friday Joke


OFSO
3rd Feb 2009, 20:25
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a 50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five 10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten 5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'Gordon Brown is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

srobarts
5th Feb 2009, 18:43
"Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , Chile , and Guatemala .

If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan

If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . You can help to keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Standard Noise
5th Feb 2009, 22:38
Told the wife earlier today that she was the double of Kate Moss.
'Really, you think I'm the double of Kate Moss?'
'Of course you are you silly cow, she's only eight stone and you're sixteen!'

ZEEBEE
6th Feb 2009, 01:05
We need to keep that money here in America . You can help to keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

SDRobarts

This is supposed to be a joke thread.

Your post is in NO WAY a joke. :(
Worse still is that the situaution is exactly the same here in Oz :{

srobarts
6th Feb 2009, 07:19
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

T he salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

GANNET FAN
6th Feb 2009, 07:36
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having? All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache '

' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.



'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife ' .

'She's not my wife '



His funeral service will be held on Saturday.*

ArthurR
6th Feb 2009, 07:56
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

frostbite
6th Feb 2009, 12:07
10. You would have to press Start to stop the engine.

Saintsman
6th Feb 2009, 16:24
I've been having a few 'performance' problems recently so my wife bought me some viagra.

In return, I bought her a treadmill.

con-pilot
6th Feb 2009, 17:03
I've been having a few 'performance' problems recently so my wife bought me some viagra.

In return, I bought her a treadmill.

What hospital are you in so we can send flowers and how long will it take for your injuries to heal. :p

priapism
6th Feb 2009, 21:40
Kevin Rudd

Wangja
9th Feb 2009, 23:39
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid
my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little
sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could
hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting
needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,

"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare
and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out
of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds
for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the police smell your fingers."

Wangja
9th Feb 2009, 23:42
So this Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:

Yorkshire man: "Ah've cum to si'thee abaht me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, Ah've browt it wi' me."

Wangja
9th Feb 2009, 23:45
Dr. Laura Schlessinger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew - homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 "Thou shall not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination" and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness - Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Jim

Lon More
10th Feb 2009, 08:37
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

GANNET FAN
10th Feb 2009, 09:24
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel
for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked
for a room.

He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a
good strong bed."

The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used
to it."

goudie
10th Feb 2009, 10:48
So I'm standing in the check-out at Sainsbury's on Friday with a large
bag of Winalot dog food for Bentley, my ageing dog.

Seeing the package, the woman behind me in the queue asked brightly if
I had a dog.

On impulse I told her that no I didn't.

I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the Kent & Sussex Hospital last time. But I'd
lost two stone without even trying, so thought it was worth giving it
another go.

The woman looked shocked and remarked that Winalot was probably not
good for you. On the contrary I told her, it's essentially a perfect
diet and contains all the vital vitamins and trace elements, protein
and almost zero saturated fat. The way that it works, is that you load
your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The result is that soon you never actually
feel very hungry and can either skip meals completely, or just nibble
on a bit of salad at dinner.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
now listening agog to my story; everybody it seems is diet conscious
these days.

Horrified at the thought of eating dog food, the woman asked if I'd
ended up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls and a car had hit me.

OFSO
10th Feb 2009, 13:50
Lon More: A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers..... etc etc

I first heard this joke many years ago when it involved the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh.

The tag line is that when the Queen explains she has hidden the crown jewels in a place provided by nature, they trudge on through the mud a bit, and then the Duke of Edinburgh says "pity your sister wasn't here, we could have saved the Range Rover !"

OFSO
11th Feb 2009, 17:42
Rabbi & Roman Catholic Priest

There was a Synagogue and a Roman Catholic church quite near to each other and, being men of religion, the priest & the rabbi got to know each other and started having lunch together once a week.

After a few weeks as they became friendlier with each other they began to talk about their respective religions and over lunch one day the conversation went as follows :

Priest : Tell me now. I know that in your religion you are not supposed to eat pork. But. Just between the
pair of us confidentially, do you ever partake of the meat of the pig.

Rabbi : Well as long as this does not go any further. I do happen to like a nice bit of pork and so does my
wife. Only occasionally, but we do have some occasionally. I am very partial to crackling. We call it
kosher pork.


So the meal went on for a little while in silence and then the Rabbi speaks to the priest :


Rabbi : Now do tell me something. I know that you Roman Catholic priests are supposed to be celibate. But
have you ever, let us say, broken or bent the rules.

Priest : Well now I must confess. I have a housekeeper. Very attractive widow. Lost her husband two years
ago. And I suppose I am doing a service as she misses her husband's physical attention. So yes. I
have broken the rules.


So they continued eating in silence after their respective confessions to each other and after a few minutes the Rabbi looked at the Priest. Winked his eye. And said.

Rabbi : It's better than pork isn't it.

G-CPTN
11th Feb 2009, 17:48
Haven't heard that for at least thirty years, OFSO!

Evening Star
11th Feb 2009, 19:25
There was a Synagogue and a Roman Catholic church quite near to each other where the priest and the rabbi were in a continuous state of trying to do one better than each other. One fine day, the priest bought himself a new car. Not to be outdone, the rabbi immediately went and did likewise. This so infuriated the priest that he made a point next Sunday of going outside and publicly blessing his car. Again, not to be outdone, the rabbi next Saturday did likewise with his new car. By now desperate, the priest took some holy water from he font and proceeded to sprinkle the water on his new car. Thrown, the rabbi was stuck for a way to retort. Then inspiration struck, he got out a hacksaw went out to his car and sawed of 6" from the exhaust.

Saintsman
11th Feb 2009, 20:34
What's the connection between the London Met Police, Chelsea and a lady with an itchy private area?



They all wish they'd never gone for a Brazilian...

1DC
11th Feb 2009, 21:26
A synagogue and a catholic church were next to each other and the rabbi and the priest used to talk over the garden wall on a regular basis. The rabbi asked the priest what chance of advancement he had The priest replied that unlike the rabbi he had plenty of opportunities, he could be a Monsignor, then a Bishop,then an Archbishop, even a cardinal.Any advancement on that asked the rabbi, well it is unlikely but not impossible but i could become the Pope said the priest.
Is that it then said the rabbi, nowhere else to go. The priest got a bit annoyed at this,bloody hell he said what do you expect me to be next Jesus Christ.

Why not one of our boys did it said the rabbi..............

chiglet
11th Feb 2009, 21:59
As we are on ancient Religious jokes...
A C of E Vicar, an RC Priest and a Rabbi were discussing their collections, and more importantly the "distribtion" of said Monies
The Vicar said "Of my collection, 40% goes to GOD, and 60% for my stipend"
The Priest said "Of my collection, 50% goes to GOD and 50%to my stipend"
The Rabbi said "I take ALL of my collection, and throw it up into the air. What GOD wants, he keeps..what comes down is mine.



Then there was the drunk bimbo, fell asleep on the steps of the synagogue
Woke up with a heavy "Dew" on her.......

Nearly There
11th Feb 2009, 22:34
Father O'Malley, the new young priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next"

gupta
11th Feb 2009, 22:47
And yet another synagogue and catholic church were neighbours. In a yarn over the back fence, the priest asked the rabbi
"When are you going to come to your senses and stop this silly business about pork?"
The rabbi replied
"Easy - I'll have a ham sandwich at your wedding reception"

con-pilot
11th Feb 2009, 23:00
The Rabbi said "I take ALL of my collection, and throw it up into the air. What GOD wants, he keeps..what comes down is mine.


When I first hear that joke, it was a 'TV Evangelist' rather than a Rabbi. Of course it is true story when it comes to TV Evangelists.

mad_jock
12th Feb 2009, 10:47
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to
the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on
suicide?'

She stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the
top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Nopax,thanx
12th Feb 2009, 12:00
Billy Graham is walking along a Cornish beach when he sees two guys hauling an object out of the surf with a length of rope; getting closer he realises that the object is a bedraggled *insert your chosen minority here* barely alive.

He strides up and says to the pair "It gladdens my heart to see you two proud Englishmen saving this poor soul, regardless of his creed"

Off he walks, and one Cornishman says to the other "Oo wuz that then?"

"No idea mate, but he surely knows bu99er all about shark fishing"

frostbite
12th Feb 2009, 12:27
The young vicar is very nervous about preaching his first sermon.

The Bishop says, "Don't worry, it happens to us all. Empty your carafe of water and fill it with Vodka. No-one will know and you can take a sip to steady your nerves."

Afterwards, the vicar asks, "Well, how did I do?".

"You did very well my son", replied the bishop. "Except that David killed Goliath with a small pebble, not a fcuking great rock".

S'land
12th Feb 2009, 21:47
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

sisemen
13th Feb 2009, 03:28
Due to the world economic crisis the Government of Zimbabwe is going to inject 14 trillion dollars into their economy.

The President of the World Bank said that it was a laudable thought but felt that $10 US wouldn't go very far.

seekayess
13th Feb 2009, 12:57
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

goudie
13th Feb 2009, 13:12
Older Women Are So Practical!

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white
TV...but every night I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old gal.

"Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma
screen TV...but now I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to
me you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go right on out and
find me a hot 19-year-old gal...and she would make sure that I would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve our mid-life
crises.

Seldomfitforpurpose
13th Feb 2009, 13:56
--- 60 YEARS OF NHS!!

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''Do you know which ward she is in?

''Yes, ward P, room 2B
''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.

''Hello, ward P, how can I help?

''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved.
She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

''Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thankyou ever so much!

''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here...'

Pontius Navigator
13th Feb 2009, 17:17
10. You would have to press Start to stop the engine.

I do, I do. On the new Freelander you indeed stop the engine by presing the START button.