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FAN BLADE
30th Jan 2009, 13:01
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
Couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
Of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
All that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
----------------------------------------
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

jethro15
30th Jan 2009, 13:07
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter.

'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

Brown's clock is in Jesus's office - He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

Parapunter
30th Jan 2009, 13:08
What's the difference between Iceland & Ireland?


One letter & six months.

ArthurR
30th Jan 2009, 14:27
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...


If women are so darn
perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't
have a headache and

sex at the same time?


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you b*st*rd !!'


I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '



I have a great idea for a new reality TV show called "Find Osama". 12 celebrities go into Afghanistan to search for bin Laden. We either find Osama or lose the celebs to the Taliban. Either way, we gain.

StaceyF
30th Jan 2009, 15:02
Five weeks before he is due to be married, a guy has an unfortunate motorcycle accident which results in the muscles around his penis being permanently damaged.

At the hospital, the doctor explains what has happened and says "I'm afraid you'll never be able to perform sex again". The guy, understandably, is distraught and wails "but I'm getting married in just over a month, there MUST be something you can do".

The doctor thinks for a moment, looks around and says "well......I've been working on an experimental procedure which involves transplanting part of a baby elephant's trunk into the penis and this acts as a substitute for the damaged muscle tissue. All my tests on monkeys have worked perfectly but I haven't submitted my papers to the Medical Council for clearance and approval".

"Never mind about that" says the guy, "I'll sign whatever legal waivers you want me to, just do the operation, it's my only hope".

The operation went perfectly and, within a few days, the guy started to regain full use of his penis, just as the doctor predicted.

On his wedding day, the ceremony went off perfectly and everyone arrived at the reception full of bonhomie. After the traditional toasts, the guy stood up to make the customary groom's speech.

No sooner had he started than his flies burst open and his penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

There was a stunned silence from the assembled mass and, after a brief pause, the guy continued with his speech. Once again, his flies burst open and his penis again shot out, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

This time there were stifled laughs from the onlookers.

Undeterred, the guy tried once more to finish his speech but yet again was interrupted by his flies bursting open and his penis once more shooting out, grabbing a bread roll and then returning to his pants.

The whole reception exploded into laughter with cries of "more, more".

Above the din, the groom shouted "it's alright for you lot, it's not your a$$ it's shoving them up".

GroundedSLF
30th Jan 2009, 15:10
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,


It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'

StaceyF
30th Jan 2009, 15:10
A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask.

A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley.

Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

"As I just told you", she says "I'm not medical staff, I can't help you and if you continue to harrass me I'll fetch the ward sister".

"Just have a quick look, you'll put my mind at rest" says the guy.

"No" says the young lady loudly; at which point, the ward sister (picture Hattie Jacques) hears the noise and comes marching over. "What's going on here?" she demands.

"Ahh sister" says the guy, "are my testicles black?".

With that, the sister whips back the sheets, pulls the mans pants down, looks at his testicles and says "there's nothing wrong with them, now stop pestering this young lady".

Exasperated the man sits up, wrenches off his oxygen mask and says "I said are my test results back?"

oopspff7
30th Jan 2009, 16:30
There's never been a better time to be black..
Obama is the first black president..
Will Smith is the highest paid actor..
Lewis Hamilton is the formula 1 champion..
Yes,there's never been a better time to be black.
Michael Jackson must be F**cking kicking himself.

Lon More
30th Jan 2009, 17:23
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

Sallyann1234
30th Jan 2009, 19:30
There's never been a better time to be black..
Obama is the first black president..
Will Smith is the highest paid actor..
Lewis Hamilton is the formula 1 champion..
Yes,there's never been a better time to be black.

Except that none of them is black

They are each the product of just one 'black' parent, and could equally be called 'white' as 'black'.

oopspff7
30th Jan 2009, 23:04
Well f*ck me rigid.....I need an eye test.

Lon More
30th Jan 2009, 23:45
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/important_windows_update20ani.gif

Seldomfitforpurpose
30th Jan 2009, 23:57
Quote:
There's never been a better time to be black..
Obama is the first black president..
Will Smith is the highest paid actor..
Lewis Hamilton is the formula 1 champion..
Yes,there's never been a better time to be black.
Except that none of them is black

They are each the product of just one 'black' parent, and could equally be called 'white' as 'black'. Yesterday 18:23

Imagine that, just when I was enjoying a laugh some humourless PC twit posted that shit about the new US boss :(

Lon More
31st Jan 2009, 08:27
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hellsbrink
31st Jan 2009, 18:36
A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!!

This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud to Be Scottish doesn't it!

:ok:

Standard Noise
31st Jan 2009, 18:47
Do you know anybody who wants to buy a lorry?
It fell off the back of a ferry.

If you put a long condom on a long dick and you put a short condom on a short dick, what do you put on a wee fat dick?
A Man Utd shirt.

Paradise Lost
31st Jan 2009, 19:59
Did you ever wonder why those poor Africans who have to carry all their water 5 miles from the nearest watersource back to their mud huts, don't just build their mud huts next to the watersource?

After addressing the pax, the pilot forgets to turn off his mic. He says to his co-pilot "I'm going to have a sh*t and then I'm going to sh*g the @rse of that new hostie". Said hostess runs up the aisle to warn the crew that the intercom is still on, but trips over. "No need to rush love", says an old lady, "he's going to the toilet first!".

Lon More
1st Feb 2009, 05:44
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo...I'm Bald!!!

The telephone rings.It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it.Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided which innaugral party we are going to for Obama ??????

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....

seekayess
1st Feb 2009, 20:45
A couple were watching a Discovery channel special about a West African tribe whose men all had penises 24" long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around the penis with a weight on the other end. After a period of time, the weight stretches the penis to 24"

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower his wife looked at him and said ''How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure on you?''

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment going?"

The husband replied "It looks like we're half way there!"

"Wow you mean it's grown by 12?"








The husband replied "NO, but it's turned black!!"

seekayess
2nd Feb 2009, 13:22
First Voice (helicopter pilot): "Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 over the beacon."

Second Voice (panicky): "No, you can't be doing that I'm holding at 3,000 over that beacon!"

[Brief, pregnant pause!]

First Voice (again): "You idiot you're my co-pilot."

fleigle
2nd Feb 2009, 14:48
seekayass
When you lift a joke or something from a source you could at least give them the courtesy of a mention.
F
Avweb, today.

seekayess
2nd Feb 2009, 18:05
Good spotting, Fleagle!!


:rolleyes::rolleyes:


Considering the number of 'acknowledgements' that one sees at the end of all the jokes floating about on such similar threads, I must say I am impressed with the immense amount of 'original' jokes that everyone puts out!!


:p:p

lomapaseo
2nd Feb 2009, 19:24
fleigle

You gotta be kidding

the jokes on this site have been passed around more times than a whore at a stag party

Jhieminga
2nd Feb 2009, 20:41
Hmmm, first thing I thought when I saw it on Avweb was "there's that 20 y.o. joke again". IIRC Bob Stevens drew a cartoon about it featuring two Mustangs (the punchline being "shut up you're my wingman").

con-pilot
2nd Feb 2009, 20:46
IIRC Bob Stevens drew a cartoon about it featuring two Mustangs (the punchline being "shut up you're my wingman").

Yes, and that was about 50 years ago. In fact I sent a message to 'AvWeb' asking them to please have someone double check on stories about what people have heard on ATC and then report as factual.