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Dan Winterland
24th Jan 2009, 04:55
What women mean when they say:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = Definitely not!
We need = I want
I知 sorry = You'll be sorry!
We need to talk = You're in trouble!
Sure, go ahead = Do, and you will regret it!
Do what you want = You will pay for this later!
I知 not upset = Of course I知 upset, you moron!
You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

What men mean when they say:

Yes = Yes
No = No
I知 tired = I知 tired
I知 hungry = I知 hungry
I知 bored = Lets have sex.
I love you = Lets have sex
Would you like to go out to dinner = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = Do you want to have sex?
Nice dress! = Great cleavage!
Those shoes don稚 match that handbag = I知 gay!

Rainboe
24th Jan 2009, 10:57
'Sorry, it's me, it's not you!' = 'Fool! It's you, not me!'

goudie
24th Jan 2009, 11:03
I'm just popping out to get some groceries = I'm going to buy some more shoes

birrddog
24th Jan 2009, 11:53
Wrt credit cards

Men have credit limits, woman have targets they try to beat every month!

Beatriz Fontana
24th Jan 2009, 19:48
Bloke says "I'll call you"....

Meaning, well, you know the rest :p

Capt.KAOS
24th Jan 2009, 19:56
"Do you think I put on weight?" = "Don't you even think about saying it!"

ShyTorque
24th Jan 2009, 21:05
(Her: Does my bum look big in this? :confused:)

Him: No, dear = No, dear. :)
Him: No, dear = Ohmigawd :eek: but I'd better not say it!

corsair
24th Jan 2009, 22:57
Will you bring the old television to the recycling centre. It's in my way. = Get out of bed, it's nearly 9:30 this Saturday morning and I'm in a bad mood and want to provoke a fight over something as I know you'll try to get out of it. I don't know why I married you, you've ruined my life.:hmm:

Well the TV is in the recycling centre now. I cooked dinner and minded the number 1 child most of the day. But I'm still a lazy barsteward.:=:)

When it comes to women, you can't win, but you cannot lose gracefully either. They are the masters of the surprise attack, the dawn raid without any declaration of hostilities.

I still like her though and I am lazy in truth. :O

Whirlygig
24th Jan 2009, 23:09
Bloke says "I'll call you"....
Oh yes Bea we know the rest.

Her: I'm not in a situation where I want a relationship = Well I am but not with you :}

Her: you're not my type = I find you deeply unattractive :}

Her: We can have a drink sometime = but not this century :}

Sorry guys, it's the truth.

Cheers

Whirls

Beatriz Fontana
25th Jan 2009, 00:16
Ah, tis so true, Whirls!

Parapunter
25th Jan 2009, 00:36
Harshest one I ever heard - my mate told me last night - he plucked up the courage to ask a girl out & her reply?

I don't waste time.


This was 20 years ago & he still winces at the memory. Worst I ever got, you're a nice guy, but there's no spark. I'm not a nice guy. Cheeky bitch.

Chesty Morgan
25th Jan 2009, 01:08
My fair lady trying on her newly purchased trousers.

Her: Now be honest. Does my bum look big in this?
Me: Yes.
Her: *Just staring with slitty eyes*
Me: Well you said be honest!
Her: Yeah but I didn't mean it.
Me: Err, well what did you want then?
Her: I want you to lie.
Me: Oh ok...go on then, ask me again.
Her: *Staring some more* Does my bum look big in this?
Me: No.
Her: So it does then?
Me: Umm...
Her: *More slitty eyes* Well go on, be honest!
Me: Yes.
Her: Should I just wear my jeans?
Me: ......No?
Her: Why not?
Me: Yes then.
Her: Yes what?
Me: Wear your jeans.
Her: Why?
Me: I don't know.
Her: Fat lot of good you are.
Me: What!?
Her: I can never get a straight answer out of you!
Me: ...My head hurts.
Her: Do you want some tablets?
Me: What for?
Her: You've got a headache haven't you?
Me: Well...not really...I was just...
Her: Well have you or haven't you?
Me: No.
Her: You have haven't you?
Me: Yes.
Her: You don't have to lie about it!

And then I lost the will to live.:sad:

goudie
25th Jan 2009, 11:43
First day of first camping holiday in the south of France, I'm tramping over the sand dunes carrying all the stuff for the local beach, Mrs G and kids trailing behind.
Finally get to the crowded beach and find a space to stake a claim with the brolly, amongst the wall to wall bums and boobs etc., Mrs G arrives with kids, takes one look at the 'scenery' and says, darkly, ''trust you to stop here''!

1DC
25th Jan 2009, 11:57
Just work on the principle that if you are five minutes past a bollicking you may as well be an hour and have another pint..
I should have realised even before we were married. Her trying on a new coat."Does this look alright?" Me, "It looks fine". Her, "If you can't say anything useful, don't bother.":ugh::ugh:

hellsbrink
25th Jan 2009, 13:15
This sums things up perfectly...


And then the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

Captain Stable
25th Jan 2009, 16:32
Harshest one I ever heard - my mate told me last night - he plucked up the courage to ask a girl out & her reply?

I don't waste time.Sounds to me like he'd pulled! :ok: Saved money on the drink as well. And you call that harsh? I call that a result!

Parapunter
25th Jan 2009, 16:35
heh heh. you'd think so wouldn't you? Turns out that there wasn't the ambiguity that you might read into that. He went home with a consolation chicken burger.

Beatriz Fontana
25th Jan 2009, 20:04
He went home with a consolation chicken burger.

Ooh, bad luck. Now, a doner kebab, that would've been a result!

Rwy in Sight
25th Jan 2009, 22:08
Whirlygig,

I think your statement goes for both males and females.

Rwy in Sight