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Lon More
8th Jan 2009, 20:08
What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to drive a formula 1 car?

Is it to fly a fighter in combat?

Is it to practice free falling parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?

Is it to insult your boss?

Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?

Bullshit…that is nothing… THIS is COURAGE!!! Scroll Down.





















http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/doggystyle.jpg

treadigraph
8th Jan 2009, 20:33
Well I've heard of taking a tiger by the tail, but I never realised before quite what it meant...

G&T ice n slice
8th Jan 2009, 20:47
If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him..............................




Is he still wrong ?

BlooMoo
8th Jan 2009, 21:40
I challenge you not to laugh (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/4177717/Atheist-bus-adverts-could-lead-to-watchdog-ruling-on-Gods-existence.html)

The ASA said: "We are assessing these complaints to see whether there are grounds for an investigation."

Jeezoos, I think I've wet myself.:}:}:}:}:}:}

Fly-by-Wife
8th Jan 2009, 22:24
Carlsberg Don't "DO" Gods, but if they did they'd probably be the best Gods in the World!

Surely it is going to be easier to prove that God probably doesn't exist then that he probably does. After all, there's no real evidence, is there?

FBW

Wangja
13th Jan 2009, 06:56
http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg169/J_R_W_B_78/automotivator3.jpg

Peter Fanelli
14th Jan 2009, 01:32
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely
Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the
man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,
realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

pigboat
14th Jan 2009, 21:28
A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

Paradise Lost
14th Jan 2009, 22:58
And at the next table in the same *bucks, sat three fellers discussing the cleverest invention of the 20th century.
The Englishman thought it was the invention of the internal combustion engine. "It has enabled mankind to travel all over the world at ever increasing speed."
The Scotsman thought that advent of the microchip had brought the most significant improvements to "communications and control".
The Irishman said that without doubt the cleverest invention had to be the Thermos Flask. "It keeps de hot tings hot, and it keeps de cold things cold" he explained.
The other two looked at him sympathetically and asked him why he thought that was so clever......
" Well then there, how does it know which is which?"

Wangja
15th Jan 2009, 01:14
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"

Parapunter
15th Jan 2009, 08:17
Hymie Rubenstein is wandering down Wardour street when a girl comes up to him.

-Would you like to sleep with me for a hundred pounds?
- Hmm, I'm not really in the mood, but I could do with the money.

barry lloyd
15th Jan 2009, 08:24
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.' John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

Evanelpus
15th Jan 2009, 09:52
Apparently, global warming will eventually kill over 6 million people in third world countries. But on a more serious note, my feckin snowmans melted!

Coat and hat and off!

StaceyF
15th Jan 2009, 18:51
This is a true story:

A radio station in Cork was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan **** yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan **** yourself!”

Crosshair
15th Jan 2009, 19:44
But "Goan" is in the dictionary.

Parapunter
15th Jan 2009, 19:48
Alright Crosshair. Goan f**k yourself then.:}:D:D:D

sisemen
15th Jan 2009, 23:09
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

cockney steve
15th Jan 2009, 23:51
Abie and Hymie are strolling down the street when a gorgeous young woman appears.
Abie nudges hymie, nods in the direction of the delectable vision and pronounces." My Life! I could lend her one"

Fareastdriver
16th Jan 2009, 02:53
Seeing it’s Friday, I may as well spoil everybody’s weekend.

Paddy and Shamus were out for a drive to a pub.
Paddy. “I had a bit of luck yesterday, a diddicoy bought some old junk off me and gave me twelve Euros,” waving a twelve Euro note in front of Shamus’s face.
Shamus looks at it. “That’s no good. They don’t make twelve Euro notes. It’s a forgery. Take it back and get some real money.”
Paddy thinks. “I can’t do that, he’ll be miles away by now.”
Shamus has an idea. “See this village we’re coming to. The Postmistress is as blind as a bat and deaf as a post. Ask her to change it into something smaller.”
They draw up at the Post Office and Paddy dives in to do the necessary. Three minutes later he is out again, beaming.
As they drive out of the village Shamus says. “No trouble then?”
“She didn’t even think about it.” Paddy looks at the notes again. “Shit! Turn the car round! The old bitch has cheated me. She’s only given me eleven Euros.”
He waves the notes in front of Shamus’s face. “Look, two fours and a three.”

Peter Fanelli
16th Jan 2009, 09:32
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.


Doesn't work, guns are banned in Australia, unless you're a criminal or bikie of course.

:}

ArthurR
16th Jan 2009, 10:06
1st "Peter Fanelli": It dosn't have to work, its a joke :ugh:


Manager of a department store was interviewing a young guy for a job. He had no experience, but the manager liked the look of him and said “ok we’ll give you a trial. You can start today in the sports department, on the fishing counter”
At the end of the day the manager spoke to him, “how many sales did you make?”
“one” was the reply. “we normally expect 20 – 30 sales” said the manager “how much did you make” “₤ 128,940” said the guy
Astounded the manager said “ how did you do that?”
“well” came the reply “He asked for a packet of small hooks, so I said you need some bigger ones for bigger fish, so I sold him some. Then I asked him if he had a decent rod, reel ect. So I sold him a full tackle set, then he asked me if I knew anywhere decent to fish. I said yes, but you will need a boat, I havn’t got one was the reply, so I took him to the boat sales and sold him a twin engined Catamaran, then he said his car can’t tow that, so I took him to the car sales room and sold him a 4x4”
The managers says “let me get this strait, a guy comes in for small hooks, and you end up selling him, complete angling equipment, a boat, and a 4x4”
“No” replied the salesman “He came in for a packet of tampons for his wife, and I said if you weekends f*cked up, you might as well go fishing”

frostbite
16th Jan 2009, 12:27
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
(1) Pull up to Peak Automotive when it is time for your next oil change
(2) Relax in a massage chair with a glass of wine, soda, coffee, or cappuccino while reading the latest Oprah, Parenting, or Shape Magazine or working on your laptop.
(3) 45 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle where the fluids have been topped off, car has been washed, tires rotated, and courtesy inspection completed.

Money Spent
Oil Change: $34.95 (non-synthetic oil change)
Wireless access: FREE
Glass of wine, soda, or coffee: FREE
Courtesy Inspection: FREE
Massage in chair: FREE
Total cost of peace of mind knowing your car is maintained: PRICELESS

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
(1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
(2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
(3) Open a beer and drink it.
(4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
(5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
(6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
(7) Place drain pan under engine.
(8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
(9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
(10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
(11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
(12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
(13) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
(14) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
(15) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
(16)Drink a beer.
(17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
(18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
(19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
(20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
(21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
(22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
(23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
(24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
(25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
(26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
(27) Drink beer.
(28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
(29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
(30) Drink beer.
(31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
(32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
(33) Begin cussing fit.
(34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
(35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992).
(36) Beer.
(37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
(38) Beer.
(39) Beer.
(40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
(41) Beer.
(42) Lower car from jack stands.
(43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
(44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
(45) Beer.
(46) Test drive car.
(47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
(48) Car gets impounded.
(49) Call loving wife, make bail.
(50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right! !

Standard Noise
16th Jan 2009, 15:35
Three sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny all have very big feet, Ann size 9, Jan size 10 and Fanny size 11.
Ann and Jan go out on a double date and during the evening one of the lads they are with says 'my god, you both have very big feet.'
Ann and Jan both giggle and Ann says 'That's nothing, you should see the size of our Fannys.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A mate of mine is planning to rob a bank tomorrow dressed as a clown wearing a thong, nipple tassles and a dildo up his arse. He'll be carrying a goat and holding a tin of Dulux. In the bank the goat is going to give him a blow job while he throws paint over the walls shouting 'BIG FAT HAIRY PISSFLAPS'.
Once he gets the cash he's going to sh!t on the floor and then escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock.
He reckons he'll get away with it, he told me 'They'll never do a reconstruction of that b******d on Crimewatch!'

StaceyF
16th Jan 2009, 19:52
Viagra is now apparently available as a direct download from certain internet merchants.

But you need a 3.5" inch floppy for it to work.

OFSO
17th Jan 2009, 16:01
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them..
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is Ł8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pen knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

S'land
17th Jan 2009, 21:34
Why men die first

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a poofter.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy git.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive [email protected]@rd.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of sh§t.
If you're not ....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.



Men die first because they want to

StaceyF
18th Jan 2009, 11:05
A bad workman always blames his fools.

EDIT: tools

Stupid keyboard....

barit1
18th Jan 2009, 22:41
* In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" by saying, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" is an automatic $300 fine.

* In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.

* In Portugal, it's against the law to pee in the ocean.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

OK, so I made up that last one. :rolleyes:







OK, so I made up them all. :ouch:

Lon More
18th Jan 2009, 22:46
A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags.

The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said - 'donate money to Israel or I will cut-off your b***s'."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:

"Well... it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel..."

eyeinthesky
19th Jan 2009, 11:40
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

goudie
19th Jan 2009, 13:19
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. Must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;

They had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that
fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Peter Fanelli
19th Jan 2009, 13:37
Who could forget the great Ronnie Barker.
Truly a great comedian.

No_Speed_Restriction
19th Jan 2009, 14:04
especially this sketch:

http://www.tomcl.co.uk/asps/uploads/big/415-5.jpg

S'land
19th Jan 2009, 16:53
I presume that you mean this one. Still fantastic after all of this time, especially with the alternative ending.
YouTube - Fork Handles (http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=LHW0Qs1OJU0)

BabyBear
19th Jan 2009, 17:41
"Mummy, where do babies come from?"
"Well, daddies make a liquid called sperm and put it inside mummies."
"Do mummies eat it?"
"Only if they want new shoes."

goudie
20th Jan 2009, 10:29
To My Dear Wife,You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:"My Dear Husband,I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 or even 54 for that matter. Therefore, I shall not be home until sometime late tomorrow.

OFSO
21st Jan 2009, 13:23
Three Irish priests arrive at the same time outside the Pearly Gates.

St Peter looks at them and says, "now gentlemen, I'm sure you understand, but we have special requirements for men of the faith, who above all others must be of spotless morals. So here and now, I want you to confess your sins to me."

The first priest says "well, your worship, one time I did look at me housekeeper's arse when she bent down to put in the doorkey and open the door in front of me, and I did have impure and lustful thoughts, I must say".

St Peter hums and aahs, but says "well, I don't care for your manner of speaking, but it's good that you confessed it now, and you may enter. And you ?"

The second priest says "I was in Tescos one time, and the lady on the cashdesk had a lovely chest, and I did look down her dress at her bosums, which gave me a minute or two of carnal thoughts".

St Peter muses for a moment, and says "all right, you won't have much chance for that inside here, and you did tell me, so you may go in with your colleague."

He turns to the third.

"Well, your Lordship" says the third, "I was flying one time from Dublin to Rome to visit the Vatican, and there was a lovely slip of a girl working as cabin staff, and I confess, she stood on a chair step to put overhead luggage in the locker, and I looked up her skirt and saw she was not wearing any panties, and then she dropped her pen and bet to pick it up, and I looked down her blouse and saw she wasn't wearing a brassiere either, and...."

"Enough" thunders St Peter "you are certainly not coming in here !"

"The devil take it !" says the disconsolate priest as he walks away, "I knew I'd never get into heaven if I flew Ryanair !"

bdairbusdriver
21st Jan 2009, 15:57
What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland?

One letter and about six months! :(

StaceyF
21st Jan 2009, 17:56
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won’t believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.

This could have caused a major in-flight problem!

I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem. Scroll down to see the actual picture:








http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/9134/usaircrackau4.jpg

seekayess
21st Jan 2009, 18:20
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!




;)

Saintsman
21st Jan 2009, 19:46
Don't know what all this fuss is about a black guy becoming President.

Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's sh*t.

BombayDuck
21st Jan 2009, 21:34
The Medicine Cabinet (http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=215313&title=medicine-cabinet) - Jon Stewart on Barack Obama's appointing Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General; and on Indian Americans. :ok:

Evanelpus
22nd Jan 2009, 09:13
Heinz, the famous soup makers, recently became the latest company to fall victim of the credit crunch. A spokesperson said they have tried everything they can but the will soon have to enter into adminestrone.

kluge
22nd Jan 2009, 09:19
Daffy Duck and Minnie Mouse are getting all hot and bothered in a hotel room.
Minnie asks "Have you got a condom. If it's not on it's not on".

Daffy goes to the concierge in the hotel lobby and asks if any condoms are available.

The concierge replies "But of course sir. Would you like me to put it on your bill ? "

To which Daffy replies "What do you think I am, a pervert".

Daw Rob
22nd Jan 2009, 10:58
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM...

'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll have to think about it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought a new car!'

'Is that so! '

With an attitude he asked ... 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ! ! ':ok:

ArthurR
22nd Jan 2009, 14:59
Preacher: "Welcome, Brothers and Sisters, to Worshippers-'R'-Us, the first church of all denominations. Please open your generic prayer-books and pray along with me as you stand, sit, kneel, face Mecca or dance."
All: "O large person or persons of whatever gender or branch of the animal kingdom, who did something great and is now someplace where we aren't, please forgive us for whatever you deem bad, and help us to do whatever strikes you as good, whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war. Grant us whatever you tend to grant, unless you don't interfere with earthly concerns. Watch over us, or save us from evil, or let us find out for ourselves, or damn us randomly. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day."
Preacher: May the being, as you define him, her or it, be with you.
Congregation: And also with you.
Preacher: Let us give thanks for (a) divine intervention or (b) divine abstention.
Congregation: It is right to give him or her thanks and praise.
Preacher: May peace dwell here amongst us and [loudly] keep us free from war!
Congregation: [Sort of unison grunt] Uh!
Preacher: [Animately] What's it good for?
Congregation: [Bored unison] Absolutely nothing.
Preacher: [Animately] Say it again! [Pause, then more conversationally] Brothers and Sisters, last thursday during our annual Baptist-jihad-barbecue, I was flipping the meatless kosher hydroponically-grown food product on the grill, when a stranger approached me. He asked me, "Why bother? Why bother trying to organise a religion which synthesises all faiths and beliefs? Why bother organising weekly prayer-fiesta-sword-dances?" Why bother? But then I hearkened back to the origin of all our religions, of all our faiths, and I gave unto him the answer, the answer that has sustained all religions can also sustain us. Why bother? Just 'cause!"
"Now before we christen the babies, walk over burning coals, form a human pyramid and proceed out to the street corners to chant for spare change, I'd like to make a few announcements. Next Sunday is young Mazimoro Kyoto's bar-mitzvah-confirmation. We'll be down at the river at sunset, dunking him in the waters, circumcising him with a stick, and chopping off his hands for stealing. So come on down and wish him well. There will be self-flagellation and coffee served in the friendship room afterwards. Mrs Edmonds?
[SFX: electric organ music]
All [singing]: "Some think he's a rock, or a big cosmic clock, some think he's a bug that just hovered. Some think he's a bird, and idea or a turd, but at least we've got our asses covered. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day.

srobarts
22nd Jan 2009, 15:15
Pedigree Petfoods are another UK company struggling in the present economic situation. They have called in the retrievers.

Standard Noise
22nd Jan 2009, 22:36
I've just discovered social networking sites but I think I've got MySpace and Facebook mixed up a bit. It seems I've invited people to come on MyFace.

Mind you, I've got 273,179 friends now..............

Lon More
22nd Jan 2009, 23:44
I can't vouch for the authenticity, it was sent to me by a helicopter pilot.

SIC: "Number two's gone, boss."

Sully: "I know it! What do I look like, an R-22 pilot? Just shut the ****er down, boy. Oh, and tell Departure that we need to come back in and land. ******* birds..."

SIC: "Sheesh, somebody got up on the wrong side of his throne this morning. You don't have to insult me just because I got my commercial helicopter rating in the mighty Robinson. Oh, and by the way, sir, we're not climbing, if you even care. Maybe your decision to take on that extra 5,000 pounds of fuel wasn't so hot, Captain."

Sully: "One more comment like that and I'll make sure the union keeps you in RJ's for the rest of your miserable, short career."

<Bang!>

Sully: "SON OF A BITCH!"

SIC: "Number one's failing, boss."

Sully: "I can see that! Am I a-*******-sleep? Can I not read the gauges? Am I not flying the plane here?"

SIC: "I'm just sayin'..."

Sully: "Goddamn Canadians, sending their ******* geese down here every winter. Why, if I ever see another Canadian I'm gonna punch him right in the throat. I HATE Canadians."

SIC: "Everybody does, boss. Think we can make Teterboro or straight-in to 22 at Newark?"

Sully: "Yeah, probably. But **** Teterboro! Let's go to Newark. I've flown out of Teterboro. Short damn runways...always a crosswind. And their FBO's suck. I'd rather land in the Hudson ******* river than land at Teterboro. Hey...."

SIC: "You're not..."

Sully: "Why not? Maybe we can take out some sailboats with some prick Canadian snowbirds."

SIC: "You ever land on the water before?"

Sully: "Plenty of times! I got my seaplane rating back in 1946. I think it was in a...Piper...somethingoranother, I forget. Never mind. It'll all come back to me. Pull out the Before Water Landing checklist and run it."

SIC: (flipping through the stack of checklists) "Can't seem to find one for that."

Sully: "Fooled ya! HAH! There ain't one! Just get on the horn and tell the people to put their heads between their legs and kiss...no wait, that won't sound good on on the CVR tape...make it, 'brace for collision'...no wait, make it 'brace for impact.' Yeah, that's better. No wait! Tell them that out the left side of the plane they can see the Intrepid Museum, and that if they'd like to visit it, they'll be able to, this afternoon, like, in about twenty minutes. Oh, and ring the stews and have them bring me a rum and coke. If I'm gonna do this, I need a good stiff drink. And have that one with the big tits bring it up. If I'm gonna die, I wanna die drunk and with a boner."

SIC: "Like your grandfather did?"

Sully: "This is no time to make jokes, son. I would really appreciate it if you'd try to take this situation seriously. I'm fairly certain that my grandfather did not die with a boner. I mean, have you ever met my grandmother?"

SIC: "You know, if you pull this off CNN will be calling you the Hero Pilot of the Year."

Sully: "**** CNN. Liberal bastards. All I care about is what the fair-and-balanced Fox News will call me. I hope Fox News calls me a hero!"

SIC: (sighing) "They probably will too. Nobody will remember my name. It'll be 'Sully this'...and, 'Sully that.' 'Captain Sully, the big ******* hero.' Like you are the only ******* one in the cockpit."

Sully: "You're quite bitter. You really are a helicopter pilot at heart, aren't you? You know, some pilots wait their whole career to be called a hero. I mean, Christ, I've only got two years to go to retirement. That was close!"

SIC: "We're not down yet, Captain Skygod."

Sully: "I know, this thing glides pretty well, huh? Dammit, no sailboats. Oh well, let's see if we can buzz one of those damn sightseeing helicopters. What's best-glide/engines out?"

SIC: "Beats the shit outta me."

Sully: "Vref?"

SIC: "**** if I know."

Sully: "Britney Spears' birthday?"

SIC: "December 2, 1981."

Sully: "Well, I'm glad you know SOMETHING! Just gimme full flaps..."

[END OF RECORDING]

Tarnished
23rd Jan 2009, 09:02
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. *When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

BellyAir
23rd Jan 2009, 09:14
The largest publishing firm in the world has gone bust too.

It's gone chapter 11.

jethro15
23rd Jan 2009, 13:56
This was (Allegedly) originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ............

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go..


Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.


The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

THE END.

Sir Lee B´stard
23rd Jan 2009, 15:18
These people couldn't be this stupid could they ???????

Idiotic 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

http://bl102w.blu102.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.183.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d0b5709a7-87f9-49f0-88ef-bb113cc07e32.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dNTllZD I3MjkuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3 dcid%253a7.1.0.9.2.20090106211709.0230a910%2540talktalk.net. 4&oneredir=1&ip=10.6.0.135&d=d1889&mf=4&a=01_701cfad37da06be75d4b116c4a859d649b3d785b9adc74b8e8ea0df 64e33dbc4

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'


This one is actually better! (No comments needed!)

http://bl102w.blu102.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.183.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dca3b41c0-4cba-499b-9a17-e6690dcf3b88.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dNTllZD I3MzguanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3 dcid%253a7.1.0.9.2.20090106211709.0230a910%2540talktalk.net. 5&oneredir=1&ip=10.6.0.135&d=d1889&mf=4&a=01_701cfad37da06be75d4b116c4a859d649b3d785b9adc74b8e8ea0df 64e33dbc4

http://bl102w.blu102.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.183.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dde13e827-f869-434b-b2f6-cdfea40d9231.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dNTllZD I3NDguanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3 dcid%253a7.1.0.9.2.20090106211709.0230a910%2540talktalk.net. 6&oneredir=1&ip=10.6.0.135&d=d1889&mf=4&a=01_701cfad37da06be75d4b116c4a859d649b3d785b9adc74b8e8ea0df 64e33dbc4

http://bl102w.blu102.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.183.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d2aa72fcd-9444-466b-aa86-ba7804614e0d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dNTllZD I3NTguanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3 dcid%253a7.1.0.9.2.20090106211709.0230a910%2540talktalk.net. 7&oneredir=1&ip=10.6.0.135&d=d1889&mf=4&a=01_701cfad37da06be75d4b116c4a859d649b3d785b9adc74b8e8ea0df 64e33dbc4

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

***They walk among us! ***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!***

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
:ugh:

Lon More
23rd Jan 2009, 19:24
This one is actually better! (No comments needed!)

None forthcoming as there's nothing to be seen except Xs

seekayess
23rd Jan 2009, 20:04
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z285/seekayess/Bush_Veet_Ad.jpg

StaceyF
24th Jan 2009, 17:17
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled
bollock-jugglers. I have been informed:

that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that
they had attained the holy piss-pot of God-awful customer relations,
that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company.

I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time ofposting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Standard Noise
25th Jan 2009, 00:40
I was in Asda the other day with 2 trollies full of booze and party food when a little old lady joined the queue behind me. She only had a pint of milk and a tin of cat food so I said 'Is that all you have, love?'
She said 'yes.'
So I did the decent thing and said 'If I were you, I'd f**k off to another till cos I'm going to take ages at this one!'

jackrowell
25th Jan 2009, 04:31
They race up and down Africa each year in large numbers. Could they be slaughtered for food for the Africans? During WW2, we used to get mutton in pellet form to be reconstituted with an onion and it was not bad tucker. Could wildebeest be treated like this?:confused:

Codger
25th Jan 2009, 05:22
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold ?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

henry crun
25th Jan 2009, 05:50
jackrowell: I must be having a thicko day because I do not get that joke, please explain it.

chuks
25th Jan 2009, 06:08
I think it is a subtle send-up of the way that the Aussies have been influenced by our American way of thought or not. We always had this problem driving to work in Lagos: wildebeest racing up and down the roads. Step out your door without looking both ways and "Blap!", run over by two or three of them! Just racing up and down; where do they think they are going, anyway? It makes me nervous; I wish they would just pick a place and stick to it instead of always racing up and down.

jackrowell
26th Jan 2009, 10:30
Henry crun sorry to confuse, I asked the question in the wrong thread. You can take it that this is the end of the gnus.

unstable load
26th Jan 2009, 11:18
I guess it's true then that no gnus is good gnus...:rolleyes:

goudie
27th Jan 2009, 11:57
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute , I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's bet ter, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you, after dinner.'"

ArthurR
27th Jan 2009, 12:00
This one couldn't wait:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

Parapunter
27th Jan 2009, 17:40
From tonight's news, I give you Mandy Surridge, mother of triplets:

http://i44.tinypic.com/2isbbpv.jpg


That must have been a helluva labour.:uhoh:

x213a
27th Jan 2009, 19:17
:ok:http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/download/id=25052.html

Daw Rob
28th Jan 2009, 11:20
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
:hmm:

Hobgoblin
28th Jan 2009, 12:18
In reply to Lon More's post that started us off...THIS is courage.

Yes, it's a girl! (http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/3234118804/)

unstable load
28th Jan 2009, 12:53
Maybe a twinge of jealousy here, but the lion really looks torn with the choice of clawing her to shreds now or waiting till she stops then clawing her.

StaceyF
28th Jan 2009, 15:17
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

He's brought before the Chief who declares, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In three days paleface you will be sacrificed to the great God in the sky. But, before you die, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indians look on in amazement, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's wigwam and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She too enters the Lone Ranger's wigwam and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but tomorrow you die and I will take your very intelligent horse - 'What is your last request?'.

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE. ' The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's wigwam.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: 'Listen very carefully, you ********, for the last time..........FETCH POSSE!!!!'

Lon More
28th Jan 2009, 16:44
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/fly1.jpg

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/fly2.jpg


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.