View Full Version : Company letter. Dear employee,

Loose rivets
7th Jan 2009, 20:34
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
This program will be known as Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel. or S.L.A.P.
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program
will be called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly
Workers. or S.C.R.E.W.

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management.

This appeal is called Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination. or S.H.A.F.T.

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice,
but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any
employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be
SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.

We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to
make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

7th Jan 2009, 20:37

7th Jan 2009, 20:52
Why that looks very familiar in fact, just been through that process :ok: