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dany4kin
19th Dec 2008, 03:25
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

ArthurR
19th Dec 2008, 07:20
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president one morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilion soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyones amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Then he composed himself and asked, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?”


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and sighs..................................

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Three Wishes
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

The Blimp
19th Dec 2008, 07:27
...not really a joke, but I got sent this link earlier this morning and each time I hear the aspiring Clydesdale's 'reply' I just crack up

YouTube - Budweiser Commercial - Clydesdales Donkey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD6ghskNKa8&feature=related)

BoeingMEL
19th Dec 2008, 10:37
... especially whwen you have a gold-medal sheep joke! Happy Christmas buddy. bm:ok:

seekayess
19th Dec 2008, 15:19
News flash from US



TThe Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the US capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason: they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the City, nor could they find a virgin.


P.S. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Standard Noise
20th Dec 2008, 14:02
Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got
home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

"I'll ring your office
and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure
enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'"

GrumpyOldFart
20th Dec 2008, 15:17
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.




In December??!!

TRC
20th Dec 2008, 15:32
Could have been a vase of these. (http://www.birdseye.co.uk/our-food/product/garden-peas/)

srobarts
22nd Dec 2008, 18:13
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the Hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

barit1
23rd Dec 2008, 00:50
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Buster Hyman
23rd Dec 2008, 00:54
In December??!!
Yep. Summer is a good time for growing things...

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 03:51
Gennaro's leather shoes.



Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 03:55
HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked his new wife, her future mum-in-law, to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 03:57
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the Hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:05
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:25
Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps ?

They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:27
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:44
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala , where they enjoyed the weed.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:56
Serious Golf Question.



Hopefully somebody will be able to answer my question???

I don't know if any of you chaps are interested in golf but I hope you can help me out on this one…


http://www.flateric.net/downloads/golfgirl.jpg



Is that, or is that not, a graphite shaft?

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 04:58
A dog goes into the telegraph office to send a telegram to his brother.
"What message would you like to send?" asks the assistant.
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof" Says the dog.
"You know we have a special offer on at the moment", says the helpful young assistant, "eight words for the price of six - so I could add on two more woofs for nothing extra."
The dog looks at her like she is an idiot and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 05:04
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the guv' . . . ".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.

Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish. . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right.
You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you
want it full of Carp?".
"Check".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........................

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 05:19
Chic Murray, one of Scotland's greatest comedians, was born Charles Thomas McKinnon Murray in Greenock, in 1919. He began an apprenticeship in engineering at Kincaid's shipyard in 1934 whilst employing his musical talents in amateur groups such as The Whinhillbillies and Chic and His Chicks. He formed a double-act with his wife, Maidi Dickson. Billed as "The Tall Droll with the Small Doll" their combination of jokes and songs made them a popular attraction on television and in theatres throughout the country. The peak of their success was in 1956 when they appeared in the Royal Variety Show at the London Palladium. Later, working as a solo act, with a forbidding expression and omnipresent "bunnet", Chic offered a comic vision of the world that was absurd, surreal and absolutely unique. Much mimicked and much loved by his fellow professionals, he acted in films such as Casino Royale (1967), appeared as the headmaster in Gregory's Girl (1980) and played Liverpool Football Club manager Bill Shankly in the musical play You'll Never Walk Alone (1984). He died in Edinburgh in 1985 at the age of sixty-five.

Here are just a few examples of Chic's unique material : Most of them you'll of heard told by Comedians like Tommy Cooper, Les Dawson,
Billy Connely or Dave Wood etc. but they are Chic originals.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to bloody well paint it.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of anyone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the **** is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers - fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those ******* pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house was ashtrays without advertisements.
We thought knives and forks were jewelry and a square meal was an Oxo cube. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one that I could really annoy for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away.

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud-pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I don't swim. I can swim. It's just that I don't have much cause to do so in the supermarket.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The next man said " Have an accident ? " I said
" No thanks I've just had one "

This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it and
popped it in his coffin.

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.

I was down in London and in the evening I went out for a walk. This fellow stopped me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger in the area myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the bloody thing never moved an inch.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter."

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.


A few " Thoughts for Today " from Radio Esholt

Birds of a feather flock together and then shit on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of it's chain and choke it's self.

A penny saved is a Gordon Brown oversight.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have become really good friends.

If it looks like shit and tastes like shit, it probably is.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement .

For " sporting " chance, try " you have no ******* " .

He who hesitates is usually the sensible one.

Did you ever notice when buying clothes: The Roman Numerals for forty
[40] are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

Last one in rarely drowns.

If you feel the world's against you, then it probably is.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he or she can tell
when they are in real trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here today thinking how nice it is that my piles don't hurt .

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to return to your youth, think of spots.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Being young may be beautiful, but being old is more comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
fly. It's far worse when you forget to pull it down.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and a hand over my gob ... AMEN!

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 05:29
DEFRA, the government department which looks after farmers, employs 120,000 people.

There are 110,000 farmers in the UK.

Wangja
24th Dec 2008, 05:34
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Loose rivets
24th Dec 2008, 07:57
Young Paddy, moved to Offaly and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
â?¬100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The
next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the
donkey died.'
Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made a
profit of â?¬898.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'
Paddy now works for the Irish Government

ExSp33db1rd
24th Dec 2008, 08:10
Guy goes to hospital, calls for the duty surgeon, and asks to be castrated.

The surgeon is aghast, but the guy insists that he has talked this through with his G.P. and is convinced that it is the only answer.

After the operation he comes around and looks over to the next bed, 'ello mate, he says, what you in for ? Just been circumcised, was the reply.

Christ ! says the first guy, that was the word !

OFSO
24th Dec 2008, 12:46
Two Zebras are having a chat after a satisfying meal of grass.

The first one says "You know, I've been wondering...am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes ?"

The second one answers - "the heck if I know..why don't you pray to God and ask Him ?"

Next day they are back under their favourite tree.

The second Zebra says "well, did you pray to God ?" The first Zebra says "yes, and I got an answer."

The second one says "well, what was it ?"

The first Zebra says "God said to me 'you are what you are' but I've still no idea whether I'm white with black stripes or black with white stripes".

"That's easy" says the second Zebra, "you're white with black stripes".

"How do you know ? asks the first Zebra.

"Because" says the second Zebra, "he didn't say 'Hey Bro ! Yo' is what yo' is !'"

StaceyF
27th Dec 2008, 14:43
Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps ?

They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

On similar lines: the Royal Mail recently released stamps in the shape of a cl1t0r1$. They're now withdrawing them from circulation after it emerged 98% of the male population had no idea how to lick them properly.

Mr Pax
27th Dec 2008, 16:08
I have just heard that Tampax have replaced all the strings on there tampons with tinsel.


But they say it is only for the Christmas period:E


MP

Hat-coat-door:(

McDoo
27th Dec 2008, 23:49
How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman by looking up his kilt?
If he's got two quarter pounders, he's a McDonalds
If he's got ginger nuts, he's a McVities
..and if it's self raising, he's a McDougalls

Ughh...sorry

con-pilot
28th Dec 2008, 00:31
Ughh...sorry

You bloody well should be. :p

Wangja
31st Dec 2008, 03:26
Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit.

He asks the president, "Where is the Shah?"

"What do you mean?" says the president. "There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago."

"In that case," says Charles, "I'll have a bath."

Wangja
3rd Jan 2009, 05:58
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Lon More
3rd Jan 2009, 08:59
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/gunsafety.jpg

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/Lunch.jpg

unclenelli
4th Jan 2009, 02:37
Well I've decided what mine's gonna be............








1024x768

Peter Fanelli
4th Jan 2009, 02:45
Wow, straight out of the New Years Resolution thread.

:hmm:

Lon More
4th Jan 2009, 16:54
A man goes to the Doctor with a hearing problem.
The doctor asks if he can describe the symptoms.
The man says "well Marge has blue hair, and Homer's a fat bloke"

Havana
5th Jan 2009, 01:14
Apoligies as it is not everyones "Friday" but it is mine!

A young boy walked up to me in the street and asked "whats your favourate Telly Tubby?" I replied the new Samsung wide screen you cheeky little shit!

--------------------------------------------------------


70-year-old George went for his annual check up.

He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That silly old fool! He's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"



----------------------------------------------------------------------


At the end of the small dirty, tiny, deserted bar, in NY sat a huge brute, shaved head, six foot tall weighing about 220 pounds.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big dude.

Leaning over towards the big guy he whispers, "Do you want a bl0w-job?"

At this the massive guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.

He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that", he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure", the big guy replies, "something about a job"

BDiONU
5th Jan 2009, 06:05
Good evening and welcome to Question Time. Tonight we pose the question; James Blunt, performance artist, singer / songwriter, musician ... or just rhyming slang?

BD

birrddog
5th Jan 2009, 06:30
I vote for rhyming slang.

Perhaps we should ask the mods to create a poll?

BombayDuck
5th Jan 2009, 22:47
For those of you who want to convert from metric units to something more.... understandable, here goes (http://xkcd.com/526/):

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/converting_to_metric.png

Wangja
7th Jan 2009, 02:10
A man goes to the Doctor with a hearing problem. The doctor asks if he can describe the symptoms.

The man says "well Marge has blue hair, and Homer's a fat bloke"

Wangja
7th Jan 2009, 02:13
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Wangja
7th Jan 2009, 02:17
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

pigboat
7th Jan 2009, 02:49
A very old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site. Noticing the coarse language of the workers she decided to spend
some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked "Why?".

The worker yells back "His wife is here with his lunch"

radeng
7th Jan 2009, 07:43
Three girls in the antenatal clinic. The redhead said 'I'm going to have a baby boy'.
'How do you know that?' she was asked.
'Because my husband was on top when I conceived'.
The brunette said 'I'm going to have a baby girl'.
'How do you know?'
Because I was underneath when I conceived'.
The blonde bursts into tears.
'What's wrong, honey?' asked the other two, very concerned.
Through her tears, the blonde said 'I'm going to have puppies!'.