Duncan Wells
4th Dec 2008, 11:36
This first appeared on MyTelegraph as Plane Daft. It received quite a lot of comment, most of it incandescent. Under advice from Justgoodfriends and others I have re-written it. It is now called Plane Silly. I hope it isn't too emasculated...
We all know that air travel is as safe as houses these days, safer if you live on a flood plain. And that you are more likely to die by choking on a peanut or being hacked to death by a machete wielding chicken in a tutu. But I just can’t get my head round this lifejacket business. I know I am not supposed to get my head round it but to get it over my head “… take the straps around the body and tie in a double bow at the side.” But when am I honestly ever going to need a lifejacket ? “When the plane accidentally overshoots the end of the runway and ends up in the Potomac river” you will tell me. Well that’s the Ronald Reagan Washington National airport off the list then. I know the safety procedure is an important part of the flight and that we should pay attention, however many times we have heard it and that many times a great many people are saved by the quick thinking of the cabin staff and crew. But you do need to be on the ground for this to be true. And if you are on the ground you are most of the way there. And you don’t need a lifejacket. According to the internet – yes I know dodgy research and all that – there were some 9 occasions in the last two months when aeroplanes small and large made unscheduled contact with something hard and out of 76 people only two survived. In the scale of all the tens of thousands of flights 9 is a miniscule number I know but these figures do remind me that I am not a bird and that if I fall out of the sky it will hurt. Interestingly enough in the one instance when the plane met with the water in these recent accidents there did not appear to be time enough to deploy the lifejacket. And water being like concrete at anything over 10 miles an hour the plane broke up on contact.
I had always imagined that if anything untoward were to happen to an aircraft flying at altitude over Europe that I would be blown to smithereens. My fingers landing in Cyprus my toes in the Loire valley. But no, given height there is much that the pilot can do to prevent disaster. In fact one of the recent incidents I spotted was of an airbus that had suffered a severe altitude drop, a hole in the air I suppose. The pilot gathered up the plane, regained control and landed safely. No one was killed and of the 300 odd passengers only 10% suffered injuries. No lifejacket required you will notice.
Still, watching the safety briefing and the donning of the lifejacket does have its perks. The other day while on a flight to Jersey the airline had put into service a strangely small plane to cover the off season. Two seats to port and two to starboard, rather worringly numbered AD and EF. What happened to C ? Being in E, I was suitably close to the delightful Amanda and her bountiful décolletage. This was one safety demonstration that had us all agog. Amanda was suitably unabashed and professional. There was something wholesome about Amanda, well a couple of things actually. And she demonstrated the topping up procedure for the lifejacket to perfection. I was pleased to see that there was no one between me and the forward emergency exits. I have never liked the idea of stepping off at the wings, far too close to the fuel tanks and being at the back of the plane is just asking for trouble, that’s where the flames will be heading, I imagine.
I still don’t buy the lifejacket idea, though. I suspect that they will soon be removed from aircraft as the bean counters work out the true cost of flying all that weight around and the saving that could be made if life jackets were removed from planes. On the other hand perhaps I should be thinking that it's better to have one and not need it than need it and not have one.
“Yes. Thank you Amanda. How very kind, I’d love a cup of tea”.
Duncan Wells
We all know that air travel is as safe as houses these days, safer if you live on a flood plain. And that you are more likely to die by choking on a peanut or being hacked to death by a machete wielding chicken in a tutu. But I just can’t get my head round this lifejacket business. I know I am not supposed to get my head round it but to get it over my head “… take the straps around the body and tie in a double bow at the side.” But when am I honestly ever going to need a lifejacket ? “When the plane accidentally overshoots the end of the runway and ends up in the Potomac river” you will tell me. Well that’s the Ronald Reagan Washington National airport off the list then. I know the safety procedure is an important part of the flight and that we should pay attention, however many times we have heard it and that many times a great many people are saved by the quick thinking of the cabin staff and crew. But you do need to be on the ground for this to be true. And if you are on the ground you are most of the way there. And you don’t need a lifejacket. According to the internet – yes I know dodgy research and all that – there were some 9 occasions in the last two months when aeroplanes small and large made unscheduled contact with something hard and out of 76 people only two survived. In the scale of all the tens of thousands of flights 9 is a miniscule number I know but these figures do remind me that I am not a bird and that if I fall out of the sky it will hurt. Interestingly enough in the one instance when the plane met with the water in these recent accidents there did not appear to be time enough to deploy the lifejacket. And water being like concrete at anything over 10 miles an hour the plane broke up on contact.
I had always imagined that if anything untoward were to happen to an aircraft flying at altitude over Europe that I would be blown to smithereens. My fingers landing in Cyprus my toes in the Loire valley. But no, given height there is much that the pilot can do to prevent disaster. In fact one of the recent incidents I spotted was of an airbus that had suffered a severe altitude drop, a hole in the air I suppose. The pilot gathered up the plane, regained control and landed safely. No one was killed and of the 300 odd passengers only 10% suffered injuries. No lifejacket required you will notice.
Still, watching the safety briefing and the donning of the lifejacket does have its perks. The other day while on a flight to Jersey the airline had put into service a strangely small plane to cover the off season. Two seats to port and two to starboard, rather worringly numbered AD and EF. What happened to C ? Being in E, I was suitably close to the delightful Amanda and her bountiful décolletage. This was one safety demonstration that had us all agog. Amanda was suitably unabashed and professional. There was something wholesome about Amanda, well a couple of things actually. And she demonstrated the topping up procedure for the lifejacket to perfection. I was pleased to see that there was no one between me and the forward emergency exits. I have never liked the idea of stepping off at the wings, far too close to the fuel tanks and being at the back of the plane is just asking for trouble, that’s where the flames will be heading, I imagine.
I still don’t buy the lifejacket idea, though. I suspect that they will soon be removed from aircraft as the bean counters work out the true cost of flying all that weight around and the saving that could be made if life jackets were removed from planes. On the other hand perhaps I should be thinking that it's better to have one and not need it than need it and not have one.
“Yes. Thank you Amanda. How very kind, I’d love a cup of tea”.
Duncan Wells