View Full Version : I Can't please my wife!

21st Oct 2008, 22:26
Was in London with the wife a little while ago. Stopped by jewelry store to "look" (my term) at the wares. Invited in, of course (sales people being what they are) and had a look at some of the stuff. This pendant, and the matching bracelet. (http://en.frey-wille.com/klimt_adeleblochbauer_pendants_gold/pendant-770-871.htm)

So, I had her put the bits on, and started bargaining...

The bargaining broke down (difference of about 15 pounds), so I grabbed the wife, removed the sparkles, and walked out.

Now (it seems kinda obvious now) - it is apparently worse to place jewelry on a wife, and then remove it, than it is to have never contemplated it in the first place!!

In fact it is such a crime, that spending twice as much on our just completed holiday on sparkles, STILL doesn't stop the odd "But you did this ... " story coming out.

Gents - NEVER go jewelry shopping with the wife. Buy it, or don't but it. NEVER go half way!!

Impress to inflate
21st Oct 2008, 22:39
Do what I do and buy loose diamonds then have a nice bit of bling made up as a special one off piece. Works a treat with me !! One Pleased wife.

21st Oct 2008, 22:40
Surely you can't be scared of an itsy bitsy thing like that sweet little girl you married Checkers?! eh? :eek:

21st Oct 2008, 22:48
I would never walk into a jeweller's with my wife. For a start I would have to find out where she lives, second, I can't be bothered. :}

22nd Oct 2008, 00:32
I Can't please my wife!

I have lots of spam adverts for blue tablets that I could forward on .....

And as for the family jewels - is this just a wind up or a cock up?


22nd Oct 2008, 03:05

Silly silly man :ooh:

Onya Reddo, never let him forget ;)

GG x

22nd Oct 2008, 03:44
Major faux pas!

Never, never, never, take a woman into a jewelry store, encourage her to try on baubles, haggle over price--THEN WALK OUT WITH NOTHING! That's telling her you once thought she was worth it--but not quite. Bad message. (and this doesn't equate just to jewelry)

Most women will love, worship & adore a man who will entertain the purchase--especially if said man did so without being dragged into store or possess any underlying motives for a sudden guilt release purchase. (which a woman will always figure out. Don't EVER think she won't)

You have some making up to do, mister. And I bet you will, too! :ok: ;)

Buster Hyman
22nd Oct 2008, 03:50
I too think Boots' jewellery is overated!

I'm suprised nobody has posted that joke yet....JB is slipping.:=

22nd Oct 2008, 03:58
Buster, luv....that went right by me. WTF does your post mean? :eek: :O

Jetex Jim
22nd Oct 2008, 04:57
I Can't please my wife!

But this is not news, just the natural condition of men the world over.

Chimbu chuckles
22nd Oct 2008, 05:01
Checkboard...Wow...this is news to you?

22nd Oct 2008, 05:15
Well, most of us tell you, few of you actually listen. :p

22nd Oct 2008, 05:47
The trick, I'm told, is to buy her something that looks nice but is made of white metal. When she asks, tell her it's more expensive than gold - being made of platinum. By the time she finds the truth, with any sort of luck, you'll be miles away! Of course this doesn't work with a wife.

Howard Hughes
22nd Oct 2008, 06:35
Geez Checkers don't be a tight arse, surely Redo is worth two times your holiday plus 15 quid...;)

Mrs Hughes has instigated what she affectionately call the 'HJ's for jewellery program' in our house, seems to work quite well!:ok:

22nd Oct 2008, 06:50
Checkers says:
Unhappy I Can't please my wife!

Know exactly what you mean! I've tried to please her, several dozen times, and it just never quite seems to work out the way one wishes, at least not ever with the number 3 scenario in one's fondest dreams..

Try telling your wife about the intimate details, unique features, and personal whims of your lady-friends from times-gone-by. (I told her about some of them, just to get the ball rolling.) That kind of heartfelt sharing always seems to help move things along some.

She's still very nice, tho, so make the best of 'er y'a can. Just try to remember that part- the good part. Or, more correctly, those parts. The being nice parts, so to speak. For positive reinforcement, praise them.... and then compare and contrast with the aforementioned prior ladyfriends. That will give you an Experience to share fer sure. Jewelry shrinks to bush-league relevance in comparison to comparative anatomy.

Solid Rust Twotter
22nd Oct 2008, 07:18
Why did you unchain her from the stove in the first place?:E

Buster Hyman
22nd Oct 2008, 08:58
:ugh: (Have to do everything myself!)

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

22nd Oct 2008, 09:31
You could always give her a pearl necklace.

I know, coat, hat and leave.......I'm having one of those days.

22nd Oct 2008, 09:33
Oh Buster ROFLMAO!!!!


Oh I needed that!

GG ;)

22nd Oct 2008, 10:03
For years i have been telling Mrs 1DC that their isn't any point in me buying her "another" diamond cos i haven't seen one big enough. I have the feeling that when she decides that she wants one the chickens will come home to roost....

22nd Oct 2008, 10:27
My wife is now suggesting this is the right time to buy her something really expensive as we may lose our savings anyway thanks to the perilous banking system cock-ups around the world. Never knew she was so au fait with world finance! thought she was just a simple country girl!

22nd Oct 2008, 10:32
While we lived in Singapore I bought my wife a S$2,000 Cartier watch.

A week later, under the influence of alcohol, she dived into a swimming pool fully clothed -- and with the watch on.

It wasn't waterproof.....:eek:

22nd Oct 2008, 10:35
This thread makes me really sad... I do not have a wife.
I fly all alone in the lonely skies in a CitationX, sometimes in a crapped out 747 freighter and i put my head down in my 7 bedroom mansion all alone, on work days i drive my M6 BMW listening to Richard Mercer of Love songs and Dedications, on weekends i have to get in to my 426 Hemi Challenger all by myself to cruise to Bondi beach wearing my Rolex Yachtmaster dressed in my everyday Armani suit waiting for someone to feel sorry for me and massage my feet without taking my crocodile skin shoes off.... :{
Gee ...I wish i had someone to waste money on... :sad:

Pigs ass.... I am having a ball :D:D:D:D Just love being single

22nd Oct 2008, 10:45
sms - Bondi?

No class mate. Try Dee Why or Curl Curl and the Sheilas will be queing up to examine your big watch....:ok:

22nd Oct 2008, 10:55
Methinks SMS thou dost excess too much

22nd Oct 2008, 10:59
I prefer the kiwi chicks at Bondi looking at the big bulge in my pants :E

22nd Oct 2008, 11:04
Front or back?

22nd Oct 2008, 11:10
That's what i like about kiwi chicks... they are not fussy :}

22nd Oct 2008, 11:13
Are you sure they were chicks?

Buster Hyman
22nd Oct 2008, 11:26
Are you sure it was your pants where your bulge was?

22nd Oct 2008, 11:37
Was it a bulge in the pants ormore above the pants...?


22nd Oct 2008, 12:57
How come i get the impression that some of you guys just hanging out to see me naked? :suspect:
Stand by for photos... :E

22nd Oct 2008, 18:57
Buster - that was great :)

Checkboard - did you try Ebay - you'd probably get even more than 15 squid off the price :rolleyes:

I can't believe you haggled over 15 quid for a pressie for your beloved.... How many beers does that equate to now in the UK? 2, or maybe 3? I can see why she's not best pleased ....

22nd Oct 2008, 19:36
[QUOTE]that spending twice as much on our just completed holiday on sparkles/QUOTE]

How much is that? You went staff rates on an easy cruise...

Checkers I reckon you scored a bit of an own goal there, going onto the jewellers with no back up, or body guard... I look forward to having a beer with you though: you can talk about something else.

Beatriz Fontana
22nd Oct 2008, 21:27
Men buy women jewelry? Really? Blimey, never had any of that from my ex. And a good job too. Can't think of anything worse than that, it's emotional blackmail!

22nd Oct 2008, 22:28
emotional blackmail?!!

:= bullicks - it's called 'an investment'!


“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back”Zsa Zsa Gabor

23rd Oct 2008, 00:23
... it's emotional blackmail!
I think I need an explanation of that one. Why would buying jewellery (or any gift) be seen as 'emotional blackmail" by anyone??

Are you emotionally blackmailing people for whom you buy gifts?? How do you see that as being different? (If, in fact, you DO see it as different.)

Howard Hughes
23rd Oct 2008, 00:29
Men buy women jewelry? Really? Blimey, never had any of that from my ex.
And hence she is your 'ex', come on fella's this whole marriage thing ain't that hard!;)

23rd Oct 2008, 00:34
I suspect that Beatriz'a ex might have been a bloke-type person??



Howard Hughes
23rd Oct 2008, 00:46

Now I get it...;)

Of course I am male and sometimes fail to read of what is written!:}

23rd Oct 2008, 05:19
Checkers - I'm bloody impressed! Build 'em up then slap 'em down. Guaranteed to keep them in their place. And with no regard to your personal safety. Respect man.:E

surely not
23rd Oct 2008, 06:57
Well Checkers I reckon you shud get all moody and irritable that Reddo didn't offer to buy you something expensive from the jewellers.

What is it with women that they expect to receive expensive jewellery as presents from their men, but it rarely crosses their minds to reciprocate with anything other than cufflinks and maybe a shag!!

My wife has some very nice pieces of jewellery that are gaining in value every year, and I have some very nice cufflinks that have probably decreased in value and if all were added together don't reach the cost of the cheapest of Mrs SN's trinkets.

In days gone by when women didn't work, or couldn't get equal paying jobs with the men, then fine for the man to buy her something nice as a present, but it seems the mindset of women hasn't yet changed to realise that now they have equality in so many areas it would be nice if they also showed their 'love and affection' for their loved one with expensive gifts every now and then.

Who paid for the holiday Checkers? Who paid for the outings on the holiday?

Go on throw a big strop at her unreasonable behaviour......................

23rd Oct 2008, 07:47
oooh..... Do please tell me again where you work and where your marital home is surely not, again.... :E

Buster Hyman
23rd Oct 2008, 08:51
There is one poster who is strangely quiet in all this....:ooh:

Takan Inchovit
23rd Oct 2008, 09:53
checkboard, as a bloke you've done everthing right. the missus needs to be put in her place, like what good is buying bling when the recipient is always in the kitchen anyways.

23rd Oct 2008, 11:02
I wasn't going to post this, in order to save her blushes .... but :E

I did try to make amends on our holiday, as we wandered around the flea market in Athens (very few fleas, many carpet and jewel stores, as I found out after we arrived.) we ended up at a particular purveyor of fine jewels.

You will understand the brilliance of the vendor when I tell you that he had a 10 litre swing bottle of Dewar's whisky on a purpose-built bar, taking up some of the space most of his ilk fill with counters of merchandise. Come to think of it now, he did seem to pour with a free hand, as well.

After the [hic!] bargaining, I prised open the wallet, waved away the moths, and presented the wife with a diamond and saphire encrusted gold broach (in the form of a leaping panther), and a set of saphire, ruby and diamond earrings for a sum that I was fairly certain (by my somewhat foggy recollection) exceeded the cost of the whisky I had consumed.

My lovely wife looked suitably soggy around the edges (I may be in here!) and whispered how much she loved her wonderful husband. She loved me so much, she would like to match the purchase! (There WAS a nice diamond watch in the window ..)

So she spent the same amount on ... a diamond, saphire and ruby tennis bracelet! :eek:

... and she doesn't even PLAY tennis! :suspect:

... and I can't even get the feckin' thing around my wrist! :bored:

23rd Oct 2008, 11:07

GOOD on yer Reddo!! :ok:

checkers - look at it this way.... what with all the finance houses going belly up and down the sink, you are actually INVESTING your money in the best way possible in the present day and age, instead of merely 'buying trinkets'.... :}

23rd Oct 2008, 11:14
To the original poster. Oh dear what a fool you were. But to be fair you weren't to know. My brother did a summer in H Samuels. He very quickly learned a vital technique when it came to jewellery sales. Let the women try on the item. If this didn't result in an immediate sale. They invariably came back and bought it. Presumably after a sleepless night thinking about the item.

You see, once it touches their skin it's theirs. The knowledge of this led him to be salesman of the month for several months running.

You accidentally violated that very rule.

Mind you the reverse doesn't apply. I bought my girlfriend, now wife a beautiful necklace. But there was a slight problem with it, so she coolly went back and exchanged it without telling me. Then wondered why I was surprised.

23rd Oct 2008, 12:24
Checkers - yer a skinflint!

I'd spend £15 on me missus any day, even when I'm stone cold sober. In fact, according to the supplementary credit card statement, I already do... :(

23rd Oct 2008, 17:53
Aha! Here you are. :E

Since the big fella is at work (enjoy the xw dear :} ) I am free to post. Hee hee hee. I should crack open a bottle of champagne to get in the right mood, but since I paid for all the champagne consumed on our hols, maybe later. ;)

"soggy"??? Of course I was! We both were. Despite my misgivings about the weather "I think it's going to rain, should we go to this open ancient monument-y thing?" we got rained on. I note Checkers didn't post about hiding in the Ladies toilets during the worst of the down pour. :D

As for that nice tennis bracelet, my darling hubby encouraged me to buy it! It is lovely, as is the wonderful earings and broach. Very happy with them. :ok:

As for the Frey Wille experience. I note Checkers failed to mention that I had already shouted myself a nice bracelet and managed not to buy any shoes in Russel and Bromely. Nor any thing from The Bridge bag collection. :\

As for the kitchen, any one who's enjoyed Checkers cooking will know he's the best person in the kitchen. ;)

Ask him who paid for the nice flash ski boots too! :D And the ski guide. Strong and athletic :p :} (Ladies, he used the "oh I left my wallet in the room" trick) :ooh:

Any way, as any female will know, buying a fella something special is difficult. I helped him buy a motorbike and a car.. He's unbelievably fussy wrt to watches (fair enough too - after all they are a personal thing) and cooking gadgets.

So, it's either a visit to Souster and Hicks (http://www.sousterandhicks.com/) for a suit and some shirts and/or a visit to The Fat Duck (http://www.fatduck.co.uk/intro.html). :ok:

It's later. Any one for a glass of champagne? :E

Takan Inchovit
23rd Oct 2008, 20:33
I never get involved with other peoples maritals. :\

Buster Hyman
23rd Oct 2008, 22:48
It's just like watching The Osbornes...but legible.

24th Oct 2008, 00:25
There is NOTHING wrong with buying the missus something nice every now and again...
Mr. ATS knows exactly what i like, my fashion sense (and believe you me, i am one fussy bugga), my sizes, from bras to shoes, knows how much i love my Christian Louboutin shoes and LV bags/shoes/ more bags/purses/watches and phone covers...

Spend on the missus love and mark my words, you shall have a happy life;)

....over and out...:}

The Nr Fairy
24th Oct 2008, 06:29

Wives are like babies - you learn something new about them every day. Unfortunately some times that knowledge comes at a high price.

24th Oct 2008, 09:44

or a visit to The Fat Duck (http://www.fatduck.co.uk/intro.html)

Just had a look at the Menu prices. Are you JOKING ??

My pension was set in concrete in 1982 - you work it out. What do they pay you people these days ?

The local Chinese Take-away here in Nothern NZ - a local Touristy area with prices designed to fleece the JAFAs ( Just Another Fu****g Aucklander ) does a nice Smorgasboard line in a plastic box that can usually be made accept enough food for 2 if you don't squeeze the lid on, for $6.oo NZ - 2.22p GBP and going down by the minute. :ok:

( I'm fighting BA to restore my Staff Travel, which they are just about to steal from me under their new, retrospective, rules - I don't think I'll bother )

24th Oct 2008, 10:03

Mate, by the time we fly to EnZud and pay for hotels, The Fat Duck is positively cheap compared to your magnificent Chinese degustation menu. :ok:

I'm with NetJets and they don't give us staff travel (pity, the G550 looks reasonably comfy) and Checkers is with easyJet - who don't go to NZ (yet). Istanbul is as far as they go (at the mo) so we're a few thou miles short. :(

He waved his roster at me and said "sort out a date" so I guess it's The Fat Duck. He'll probably then turnaround and say "I've got nothing to wear"... :suspect:

24th Oct 2008, 11:37
Redsnail .....

Achterly - BA don't come to NZ either, which is why I need the Interline agreements to escape.

BA are going to stop me using anything, including Qantas and Air NZ, BUT still allow THEIR retired staff to use BA ! MY bloody airline for 50+ years, not theirs, for Chrissakes

I know Staff Travel is an emotive issue, but it was part of the BOAC /BA deal since time immemorial, and some of us took early retirement some years ago to help them out of a bit of a hole then, on the understanding that we would keep it for life - even if not contractual it was promised.

The new rules aren't too bad, and actually improve things for the present staff, OK, there are always winners and losers, but to cut off the old pensioners retrospectively is just plain vindictive. ( they are giving us a 5 yr. cooling off period, but hey! we have many more years than that ahead of us - some retired early )

Go to www.BA-be-fair.com (http://www.BA-be-fair.com) to read the whole story.

Thanx. ( save your allowance and come to NZ VAT 12.5 % Petrol 69p /litre ( today )

24th Oct 2008, 17:07
We do plan to go to En Zud one day.

Any way,


This is what the fuss is about.
Photos don't do them justice...

24th Oct 2008, 17:17
Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh ...

24th Oct 2008, 18:10
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb122/Radar66/emoticons/poppinghearteyessmiley.gif

24th Oct 2008, 19:59
Ohhhhh - veeeery nice Reddo - but then you're worth it!

Here's to your health to wear them.:ok:

Cartman - are you watching and taking notes? ;)

24th Oct 2008, 20:15
notes for Cartman:

1. don't take woman into shop. :=
2. don't drink vendor's whisky when spending cash. :=

24th Oct 2008, 20:34
Unless you are in the Whisky Shop airside.

surely not
25th Oct 2008, 10:47
Well Reddo, it appears that I did you a great injustice with my original comments and that you are very generous to the Checkster.....................which makes his hesitation over a paltry sum when bargaining much less easy to defend :}

R66 as you well know I am working more than a short walking distance away from the marital home but trust me, there is a cost to be born for doing this whenever Mrs SNA visits. Countless visits to a frighteningly wide variety of shops in order for the plundering of my local bank account to be successfully achieved.

Eric T Cartman
25th Oct 2008, 22:26
@ Checkboard
Too late mate ! Took cleo to Portobello Road a couple of weeks ago. If I tell you the conversation started with " ooh, that's a nice ring!", you can guess the rest !
ETC :cool:

26th Oct 2008, 05:05
Forget jewelry!!

If you really want to please your wife....watch the film Stealing Heaven.

And if you want to kick it up a notch, add this music to the background....

YouTube - Enigma - Principles Of Lust (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj-ZcZB1OeU&feature=related)

(It's an amazing combo... ;)....you'll thank me.)