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notmyC150v2
17th Oct 2008, 05:38
From the Email files (grab a drink it's a fair length):

Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus '
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix .

The professor told his class "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

-------------------------------------------

THE STORY

(first paragraph by Rebecca )

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl , who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris , leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

( Rebecca )

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully..

( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie ..

( Rebecca )

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'

( Rebecca )

Assho!e!

( Gary )

Bitch!

( Rebecca )

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

( Gary )

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ I really liked this one.

ArthurR
17th Oct 2008, 09:57
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says, "What's the food like here?"


The other lions say,
"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

techrec
17th Oct 2008, 10:11
This cowboy comes galloping into town, jumps offen his horse, and ties
it to the hitchin post. He walks over and in full view of all the old men on
the porch, he lifts up the horses tail and plants a big smooch right on that
horses arse.

As he saunters up the steps, intent on washing down a whiskey or two,
one of the old men asks him:
"what you kissin' that horses ass for?"
"Chapped Lips" replied the Cowboy.
"That cures chapped lips?" asked the old man.
"Nah," relied the Cowboy,
"but it sure keeps you from licking them"

olliew
17th Oct 2008, 10:39
There was a young man from Rancine
who invented a ###king machine
both concave and convex
it would fit either sex
with attachments for those in between.

radeng
17th Oct 2008, 11:28
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the tee-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her tee-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

radeng
17th Oct 2008, 11:30
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old a**e?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied

Nigd3
17th Oct 2008, 11:39
Her diary

Saturday
Met Steve in the evening. He was quiet and seemed upset. I was a little late to meet him as I also had coffee with the girls after shopping.
The bar was loud and his mind was elsewhere all the time, so I suggested we went to a nice romantic resturant.
All through the meal he was never really listening to me and his eyes never met mine.
He gave me a lift home and I suggested he came in for coffee, he sighed but then agreed. He switched on the TV and watched it without paying me any attention.
I decided to go to bed and asked him if he was coming too. He said he would do but continued to watch TV.
He came up 30 minutes later and I was suprised that he wanted to make love. When we finished he just rolled over and went to sleep. I think he has met someone else and is going off me.
I cried myself to sleep

His Diary
Chelsea lost to Fulham. Gutted but got a shag.

Spiritinthesky
17th Oct 2008, 12:39
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

Havana
17th Oct 2008, 19:40
Probably been heard before but....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she
even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

McDoo
17th Oct 2008, 20:47
A little fella is standing at the bar of a saloon when in walks a tall guy dressed from head to toe in black. From his belt hangs a holster with a very impressive looking pearl handled revolver.

The stranger orders a bourbon and places the gun on the bar. There are 13 notches cut into the top of the barrel.

The little guy says

"Sir, are you one of them there gunslingers?"

"I sure am" says the stranger

"So what's with the notches on your gun?" He asks

"One for every man I've killed" Says the stranger

"Wow! You've killed thirteen men?"

"Nope I've killed nine" He replies

"Nine?" asks the little guy "So why thirteen notches"

"Well..." replies the gunslinger

"Four of them were Mexicans and for every Mexican you kill it's 'Bonus Notches' "


Sorreeeeeee;)

Hawkrx
17th Oct 2008, 22:33
So there are two muffins sitting in the oven, first looks over at the second and says "sure is hot in here", the second looks back and says....











"HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!!" :ooh:

McDoo
17th Oct 2008, 22:37
How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman by looking up his kilt?

If he's got two quarter pounders, he's a McDonalds

If he's got ginger nuts, he's a McVities

If it's self raising, he's a McDougalls


Ughhh, sorrreee again.

Freddie-M
18th Oct 2008, 08:47
What's the difference between Iceland and Tescos?







You can get cash back from Tesco's...........

Wangja
18th Oct 2008, 16:12
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

SmoothCriminal
18th Oct 2008, 16:44
What's Green, has four legs and when it falls on you from a tree, it'll kill you !













......................................A Pool Table

Smoothie :ok:

McDoo
18th Oct 2008, 21:12
A pretty girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre..


so he gives her one.

Lew747
19th Oct 2008, 20:13
Could someone please explain what this JeThRo joke is about. It got a good laugh from the audience but i just dont get it lol

I'm going to take it as a rude joke!! be warned, may get deleted lol

Verbatim:

After visiting the hemorrhoid society, i walked into the restaurant and there's a woman digger her ********** in the restaurant, very very unhygienic!
I said "excuse me madam, have you an itchy **********?" and she said 'only whats on the menu!'

McDoo
19th Oct 2008, 20:21
Ah, "Ass ter risk"....

Old Hairy
24th Oct 2008, 12:06
Investment tips for 2009

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood .

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Fitter2
24th Oct 2008, 13:03
And, courtesy of Radio 4 (how do they get away with it?)

Cunard and AirLingus merge to form the world's first obscene travel company.

Sallyann1234
24th Oct 2008, 14:46
Cunard and AirLingus

What's "obscene" about a perfectly normal, harmless and enjoyable activity?

Beagle-eye
24th Oct 2008, 14:54
A recent survey in the UK asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answers:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

PT6T3DF
24th Oct 2008, 17:00
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila





Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, Walter

techrec
24th Oct 2008, 17:14
Starbucks Advertising blunder

Thousands of posters were printed in Germany encouraging German customers to "Enjoy your morning Latte".

Oops!

In German, "Latte" is slang for an erection.

Hobo
24th Oct 2008, 17:56
Cunard and AirLingus

Which reminds me of a recent news item:-

In the current situation there will be cut backs in the cinema industry too. Two films will now be combined in one showing. For example, "Blow Up" and the "Italian Job" will be combined into one film called.....



"Up the Italians".

Jelly Baby Freak
24th Oct 2008, 18:02
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent co-workers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of ass cleansing fibre cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the shopping centre to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the shopping centre toilets. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but toilet Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. **** smeared on seat.
4. **** and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped my trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a mobile phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the ****ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.
As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
(3) the toilet was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little ****tles of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…" followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My ****-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the toilets became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the toilet, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the cleaner who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the toilet with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the toilet, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous ****-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to **** in public - and I doubt he'll ever again answer his mobile phone in the latrine.
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the toilet.

:E

oopspff7
24th Oct 2008, 20:47
A mate of mine bagged off with a really ugly deaf and dumb bird last night.After giving her a good $ hagging,he broke her fingers so she could'nt tell anyone.

Saab Dastard
24th Oct 2008, 21:29
Coca-Cola and Pepsi will merge, using the slogan:

"Have a Poke and a smile" :)

SD

CityofFlight
25th Oct 2008, 03:04
Beagle...


A recent survey in the UK asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answers:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط



...that was fresh and original. (at least for me) Gave me a good chuckle. :ok:

Farview
25th Oct 2008, 10:51
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said , 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my bogey?'

Wangja
25th Oct 2008, 12:19
Drunker than skunks, Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them, "Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, don't ya know."

The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

When he returns to their room, the Devil finds Ole and Sven wearing light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

The Devil is astonished and exclaims, "Everyone down here is in misery and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!"

Sven replies, "Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry when da veather's dis nice."

The Devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with the answer. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. With that the Devil decides to turn off ALL the heat in Hell.

The next morning the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The Devil smiles and heads for Ole and Sven's room.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The Devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand. When I turn up the heat, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

They both look at the Devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know if Hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings finally von da Super Bowl."

Wangja
25th Oct 2008, 12:23
Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Wangja
25th Oct 2008, 12:26
Making it Stiff:

To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it wet,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!


Damn !


Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH

Garethbmw
25th Oct 2008, 16:05
Dear Mr Bank Manager

I have recently received a returned cheque with "insufficient funds" written on it.

I was just wondering if you could clarify if you are talking about me or the bank?

Yours faithfully
etc etc...

radeng
5th Nov 2008, 15:18
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham Races to see and learn
about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in year four."

"No, Madam," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

Halfbaked_Boy
5th Nov 2008, 22:51
Jelly Baby Freak,

That was quite something. Not sure what though...!

11Fan
5th Nov 2008, 23:01
Thank you Jelly Baby Freak,

Finally, a reason to laugh today.

sirwa69
6th Nov 2008, 05:42
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the tee-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her tee-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

I'm not going to do it twice!
Alan B'stard New Statesman

Rush2112
6th Nov 2008, 07:21
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then
suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of
minge drinking.

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........
the other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Just been barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo
trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I
can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on my face!'

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a
bit slow but f**k me, pass the parcel was fast!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy
that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day,
lovers celebrate valentines day, do w*nkers celebrate palm sunday?

UniFoxOs
6th Nov 2008, 08:32
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.''What type of bra?' asked the clerk. Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?''Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.' Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It's all really quite
simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and uprightand The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.'

sisemen
6th Nov 2008, 12:46
Thank goodness there wasn't the Jehova's Witness type - I'd hate the thought of that knocking on my door on a Saturday!

Lon More
6th Nov 2008, 13:03
Apparently it's become a rage in the States for women to shave their pubic hair and parade through the streets chanting, "read my lips, no more Bush"



it's got to be an oldie

FAN BLADE
6th Nov 2008, 13:09
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars

'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'



Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!

frostbite
6th Nov 2008, 13:17
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them in the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies ... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

Storminnorm
6th Nov 2008, 17:35
I heard that George W wanted to be President for
perpetuity, but couldn't spell it!

al446
6th Nov 2008, 21:12
Fanelli, you are about as funny as used toilet paper.

Loose rivets
6th Nov 2008, 21:27
WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gain-full-y employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big's my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac - with huge boobs who owns
a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. The End

Angrel
7th Nov 2008, 03:09
a man walks into a bar with his dog.

The barman says to him 'nice dog mate'.

The man says 'Thanks. want to buy him?'

The barman says 'well what can he do?'

the dog interjects at this point and says 'Well I've climbed everest, walked the great wall of china, circumnavigated the globe in a balloon and won the lottery.'

The barman says to the man 'Why do u want to sell him? He sounds like a great dog!'

The man says 'Oh he is a good dog but I just can't stand the lies.'

:}

Peter Fanelli
7th Nov 2008, 03:31
I see the censor's been around again.
A taste of what is to come in the USA I guess.

Buster Hyman
7th Nov 2008, 04:41
A Holy man books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist:

'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.'

The blonde receptionist responds:

'No, it's just normal porn....you sick bastard.'

notmyC150v2
7th Nov 2008, 06:24
One of the three wise men stubbs his toe when he is walking into the manger and cries out "Jesus Christ"!

Mary looks at Joseph and says, "Gee, I like that better than Nigel".

Lon More
7th Nov 2008, 09:11
A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Old Hairy
7th Nov 2008, 09:17
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!

GrumpyOldFart
7th Nov 2008, 18:59
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was excessive hair in its ears and
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if
she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and
get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a
month.


The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At
the register, the druggist told her, 'If you’re going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'


The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'


The druggist said: 'Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't try to
shave them for a couple of days.'


The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. But, if you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'


The druggist said, “In that case...stay off your bicycle for a
week.”

barry lloyd
7th Nov 2008, 19:54
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up, ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach”.

BDiONU
8th Nov 2008, 15:15
I think there has been far too much anti-American humour just lately, and personally I would like to bury the hatchet, and try to improve relations with our American friends.
I am aware that it's 9/11 on Sunday, and although I'm not sure exactly what it is you celebrate on November the 9th.
I would still just like to take this opportunity in wishing you the very best and hope you all have a wonderful day.

BD

dazdaz
8th Nov 2008, 16:14
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. '
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.':)

Loose rivets
8th Nov 2008, 17:31
That was the Wrong Answer! See below.

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: ` ..silence - -
HUSBAND: …oh, heck…....

Lon More
8th Nov 2008, 19:33
2 seconds before all hell broke loose

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/doggy.jpg

Barkly1992
9th Nov 2008, 07:14
Lon More

That is a pic of one very stupid dog.

alfaman
9th Nov 2008, 09:30
Boxer dog? So appalling flatulence as well, sheesh, I know why I prefer cats!:ugh:

Lon More
14th Nov 2008, 09:36
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition.
He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer.
"You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the **** was THAT?!"

ZH875
14th Nov 2008, 11:00
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.


He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.


As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.


Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."



The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"



The monks reply, "you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.



When you find these numbers, you will become a monk".



The man sets about his task.



Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."



The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.



We shall now show you the way to the sound."



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "the sound is behind that door."



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.



He asks, "May I have the key?"




The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.



The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.



He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.



Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.




And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.




Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."




The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.



It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . .














But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

StaceyF
15th Nov 2008, 16:29
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.

"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...

"I've just realised I was playing you the B side"

seekayess
15th Nov 2008, 19:46
....first, with all what's going on in nearby Georgia, a pertinent question....
If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
======
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go to my place and spread the word.
=====
Twelve Poles were about to rape a German girl, and she screamed,
"Nein, Nein" ......... So three of them left.
==================
My uncle's a rheumatoid alcoholic. Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.
=====
What do you get when you cross a policeman with a telegram?
Copper wire.
------
What's the difference between a rich man and a poor man?
A rich man has a canopy over his bed, whereas a poor man has a can of pee under his bed.
-------
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path
-------
What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
------
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket
=====
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
======
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this... will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin. "Then, they will follow you."
======
The circus performer from Prague who fell 50 feet from the trapeze was not hurt.
The Czech bounced!
======
............daftnitions.........
Chestnut: A man who loves topless dancers.
Downtime: A period of depression.
Distressed: How you feel when your wig is stolen.
Myth: A female moth.
Microbe: What you wear to speak before a large audience.
Penis: Meat to please you.
Lip service:Blow job.
Inhabit: A dressed nun.
Braless: Having no invisible means of support.
=====
The blonde tattooed her zip code on her stomach so that her male would get delivered to the right box.
======
Underpaid weather forecasters predicted a storm of protest.
=====
When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.
======
"I only have diamonds, clubs and spades," said Tom heartlessly.
======
"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present."
"So what did she ask for?"
"She said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds.'...I'm giving her a pack of playing cards."
======
Everything I Needed To Know About Life - I Learned From Cows
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
=======

Old Hairy
16th Nov 2008, 10:07
Nursery Rhymes we didn’t have as kids


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
..But she didn’t wear that one often.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.
Oh shit, it’s Global Warming.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

stevef
16th Nov 2008, 11:30
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider,
That sat down beside her,
It was Little Boy Blue with his horn.

pigboat
16th Nov 2008, 14:34
It was Monica Lewinsky's birthday last week, she turned 34. They sure do grow up fast. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the Oval Office floor on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

Caboclo
16th Nov 2008, 15:19
This one gave me a chuckle: Family Airlines is back again. They're the ones using high-density 747s in the US domestic market. :D
www.familyairlines.com (http://www.familyairlines.com)

El Grifo
16th Nov 2008, 15:36
Is it perhaps just me or ? :ooh:

con-pilot
16th Nov 2008, 21:18
This was stolen from one website, which was stolen from another website. ;)

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. - Beyond.ca - Car Forums (http://forums.beyond.ca/st/240856/i-do-not-have-any-money-so-am-sending-you-this-drawing-i-did-of-a-spider-instead-/)


:)

denis555
18th Nov 2008, 11:49
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

BOAC
18th Nov 2008, 15:52
I've always found it best to sit the cat on the coaming looking forward and to use the tail as a pendulum.

If I use a duck as briefed, is it ok to 'duck under' on the approach?

Capot
18th Nov 2008, 18:07
Speaking, seriously for a moment, of animals on coamings and their practical applications, my uncle was a Navigator of renown with the Pathfinders and pioneered the use of pigeons as a homing device when all the usual methods were battle-damaged.

The pigeons, thousands of them, were programmed to regard "their" bomber's UK base as their home, and then carried on all missions over Europe.

In the event of need, the pigeon would be placed on the coaming of the bomber's cockpit, where it was trained to move from left to right, always pointing towards the aircraft's base.

Earlier experiments with them tethered to the windshield wiper blade on 12ft of string failed when it was found that they tired quickly and were overtaken by the aircraft, with disastrous consequences for the valuable birds.

The pigeon was augmented and supplemented by the FIDO fog-dispersal system for the final approach and landing phase, where the pigeon's abilities were too far ahead of the Lancaster and its surviving crew.

The planted leaks about carrots, radio beam approaches etc were all camouflage for this very secret but simple war-winning idea.

My uncle was sadly pushed out over the Channel one night, by a group of Navs who had hidden on board for this purpose, fearful of the effect the pigeons would have on their flying pay, once it was clear that the birds were better navs than the Navs.

The whole story can be read, thanks to the F.o.I. Act, in MOW/RAFBC/44/0062/PIG/4a678b/0098/MARTHEATH/154 which can be found in the M.o.D. archive at the old RA Missile range at Benbecula in the Outer Hebrides, in case anyone is interested.

El Grifo
18th Nov 2008, 18:26
You know, come to think of it, I came across that information several years ago, whilst rooting through some de-classified WW11 documents at High Wycombe.

I have to admit, I thought then that someone was pulling my leg.


Just goes to show :D :ok:

polarbearjim
22nd Nov 2008, 19:34
What happens when ducks fly upside-down?

...

They quack up! :}