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Noah Zark.
9th Oct 2008, 16:28
After speaking to the passengers, the Captain of an airliner says to the First Officer "I'm going for a $hit, then I'm going to screw that new hostess!"
The air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the Captain that the intercom is still live, but trips and falls flat. "No need to rush, love" says an old lady "he's having a $hit first!"

FlyingOfficerKite
9th Oct 2008, 20:51
A bit like Paganini - variations on a theme! lol

FOK :}

PS: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells - pregnant! (sorry)

BladePilot
9th Oct 2008, 20:55
And why did the two Blondes sit staring at the can of orange......


Because it said concentrate on the label:)

Lon More
9th Oct 2008, 20:57
what does a Hindu?






http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/Below.gif







Lays eggs:)

FlyingOfficerKite
9th Oct 2008, 20:59
Paddy sitting with his mate:

Paddy opens his Thermos and explains to Murphy that it keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold.

Murphy says: But how does it know!

FOK :)

BladePilot
9th Oct 2008, 21:18
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?












Tequila;)

Peter Fanelli
9th Oct 2008, 23:26
what does a Hindu?
So what's a Hin, a new zealand hen or something?

Arm out the window
10th Oct 2008, 06:21
That's what I thought!
This has been done before, but it's a good 'un:


How to speak New Zulander
For best effect, read them out loud.



Milburn ............... capital of Victoria
Peck................... to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside ...........chemical which kills insects
Pigs .................. for hanging out washing with
Pug ................... large pink animal with a curly tail
Nun tin dough ......... computer game
Munner stroney......... soup
Min ................... male of the species
Mess Kara ............. eye makeup
McKennock ............. person who fixes cars
Mere .................. Mayor
Leather ................ foam produced from soap
Lift ................... departed
Kiri Pecker ........... famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps ......... potato chips
Ken's ................. Cairns
Jumbo ................. pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills .......... Christmas carol
Inner me ............... enemy
Guess ................. vapour
Fush .................. marine creatures
Fitter cheney ......... type of pasta
Ever cardeau........... avocado
Fear hear ............. blonde
Ear.................... mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks........... exercise at the gym
Duffy cult ............. not easy
Amejen ................ visualise
Day old chuck .......... very young poultry
Bug hut ............... popular recording
Bun button ............ been bitten by insect
Beard .................. a place to sleep
Chully Bun ............ Esky
Sucks Peck............. Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland ........ an extinct airline
Beers ................. ! large savage animals found in U.S.forests
Veerjun ............... mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze .............. well known computer program
Brudge................. structure spanning a stream
Sucks.............. one less than seven
Tin ................... one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly ........... Precisely
Earplane ............... large flying machine
Beggage Chucken ....... place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven ... large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven .... larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds................... children
Pits .................. domestic animals
Cuttin ................ baby cat
Munce .................. usually served on toast

henry crun
10th Oct 2008, 07:25
Strange you should mention that Arm out the window, when I first saw it it was like this. I see a few have been added. :p

How to speak Ocker
For best effect, read them out loud.

G'die Mite................Hello
Meelbun ............... capital of Victoria
Peeessed aside ...........chemical which kills insects
Peegs .................. for hanging out washing with
Nun teen dough ......... computer game
Meen ................... male of the species
Leevt ................... departed
Keeree Picker ........... famous Australian businessman
Keeettle creeesps ......... potato chips
Jumbo ................. pet name for someone called Jeem
Jungle Beels .......... Christmas carol
Feeesh .................. marine creatures
Feeter chiney ......... type of pasta
Day old cheek .......... very young poultry
Seeks Peck............. Half a dozen beers
Beers ................. ! large savage animals found in U.S.forests
Breeege................. structure spanning a stream
Seeks.............. one less than seven
Teen ................... one more than nine
Seeven Sucks Seeven ... large Boeing aircraft
Seeven Four Seeven .... larger Boeing aircraft
Peets .................. domestic animals
Meeence .................. usually served on to

Lon More
10th Oct 2008, 08:34
Peter Fanelli asksSo what's a HinduSee Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindu)






I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the
counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a
cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great
cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair.
She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never
objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at
night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear
and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'

alwayzinit
10th Oct 2008, 10:15
A large twin jet is just passing 30 west when everything goes very quiet as both engines wind down.

Cool as cucumber the Capt makes PA to let everyone know the situation and to prepare for a water "landing".

There is a frantic banging on the F/D door and the lady purser bursts in some what agitated.

"For Gods sake will one of you make me feel like real woman one last time before we all die?!!" she exclaims.

Quick as flash the FO jumps out of his seat and starts taking off his trousers.

On seeing this the Purser rips open her blouse in anticipation. Only to be handed the FO's trousers.................................................... .








"Be a love and iron these will you, darlin?":*

I'll get my coat.

Alwayz

MarlboroLite
10th Oct 2008, 10:48
I went to the cash machine this morning, and upon trying to widthdraw some cash, it said "innsuficient funds"..........



I'm wondering if its them or me? :E

Peter Fanelli
10th Oct 2008, 11:17
Peter Fanelli asks Quote:
So what's a Hindu
See Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindu)
Lon More satire is wasted on you isn't it. :hmm:

JennyB
10th Oct 2008, 11:35
Vicar checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist

"I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled?"

"No it isn't, it's normal porn you sick bas***d "

Is the reply

gibbs
10th Oct 2008, 12:16
New research states that Premature Ejaculation is hereditary, does that mean either

a) Sorry son you were an accident, watch out, or

b) It's in your genes ?

Thx:uhoh:

S'land
10th Oct 2008, 13:26
Lon More satire is wasted on you isn't it.

It could be that he is not a Goonshow fan.

Pontius Navigator
10th Oct 2008, 16:49
Here's two:

EDS looks after your data.

Icelandic Banks look after your money.

Seldomfitforpurpose
10th Oct 2008, 17:42
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer?!"

G-CPTN
10th Oct 2008, 18:02
A Michelin Guide rep goes to a restaurant and orders Aylesbury duck.

The waiter says to the chef "He's a Michelin guy and wants Aylesbury duck"

"Aylesbury duck? I'll just make a nice duck dish for him"

The waiter puts the dish on the table and the man sticks his finger up the ducks arse, sniffs it and says "This duck is from Carlisle. I said Aylesbury duck!"

The waiter takes it away and tells the chef what happened.

"He did what?! Allright I'll make a fresh one"

The waiter returns and the man repeats the finger up the ducks arse move and says "No! This duck's from Birmingham. I want Aylesbury duck!"

The waiter tells the chef.

"Shit! I've only one duck left. I'll cook it and that's the lot"

The waiter brings out the third duck and the man repeats the finger up the arse move. He sniffs his finger and says "Ahh! Now this is an Aylesbury duck!". He tastes it and says "The finest Aylesbury duck I've ever tasted. Bring me the chef!"

The chef appears and the Michelin Guide man complements his Aylesbury duck.

"Now tell me. Cooking such a gorgeous Aylesbury duck must mean you originate from Aylesbury to know the secret recipe?"

"No" says the chef

"Then where are you from?"

The chef drops his trousers and bends over and says "You're the expert you tell me"

Seldomfitforpurpose
10th Oct 2008, 18:10
Substitute Steward for Chef and that joke still works well..........:E

Lon More
10th Oct 2008, 19:00
Lon More satire is wasted on you isn't it.

Sometimes. But it obviously was on you:8

mr fish
10th Oct 2008, 20:14
a bloke walks into a football themed pub and orders a pint. he downs it in one and informs the barman he cannot pay but will perform a trick.
the barman takes a trophy ball from behind the bar and says' ok smatarse, name the club!!
the bloke has a good feel of the ball and gives it a smell, 'i can feel greasy hair and it smells of lasagne, i think its AC MILAN'.
'very good' says the barkeep,'want to try again for another pint'.
so the bloke downs another pint and is handed another ball.
'hmm, i can smell woodbines, wippets and i can feel brylcreem, i think its NEWCASTLE UTD'.
'very good again' says the barman,'but i bet you cannot guess the last ball i have'.
he hands the bloke another pint and before he can reach the ball, the bloke shouts out 'NOTTINGHAM FOREST'.
'bloody hell, how can you tell, you hav'nt felt the ball yet' says the barman.
'oh, that ones easy' says the bloke, "ITS GOING DOWN"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:E

cockney steve
10th Oct 2008, 20:38
The kid is playing in the industrial estate, among the booty from the skips, he recovers an old crash-helmet, a pair of welding goggles and a length of white silk......well, some planks, a couple of cardboard tubes.......Biggles fights the Hun.

the sun climbs in the sky, his stomach starts to rumble and our hero trudges homeward. He hadn't got far, when an old saloon-car pulls alongside and the seedy occupant engages him in conversation

" You look hot and tired"....."Yes, mister"
"far to go?".........".yes, mister"
"Crashed your motorbike?"...."no,mister,-just shot down 60 enemy planes"
"jump in, I'll give you a lift home"...."no, mister,mum told me not to get in cars with strangers"

"Ah! But you're a hard-working ace-pilot"....................Eventually, Mr Dirty Brown Raincoat persuades the lad into the car and they set off at a leisurely pace.

DBR..."do you know much about wan*ing ?"......".no, mister"
DBR "what about c*ck -sucking?"..............(alarmed) " NO! MISTER "

DBR "Have you tried b*m f*cking?".......".LOOK, MISTER.............











I'M NOTREALLY A PILOT"

Rule3
11th Oct 2008, 09:29
For homework, teacher asks the class to put "urinate' in a sentence.
Next morning little :mad:Johnny reads his effort.
" My Dad reckons "urinate' but if you had bigger T!TS you'd be a ten.:ouch:

Flingingwings
11th Oct 2008, 09:39
Whats the difference between a pigeon and a Banking trader?

The pigeon can still place a deposit on a new Porsche.

:E

BDiONU
11th Oct 2008, 10:15
http://www.b3tards.com/u/fa2a3ab468c53bb760c2/bank2.jpg

BDiONU
11th Oct 2008, 10:17
http://www.b3tards.com/u/b7385d51d3a878f20ba8/pay.jpg

BDiONU
11th Oct 2008, 10:26
http://www.b3tards.com/u/21747264c65a6162c8c0/hobobrown.jpg

Heatseeker
11th Oct 2008, 11:02
An old Greek man lived alone in Marrickville. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advances years as the
ground was very hard.

His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Spiro,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my roubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Spiro

At 4 a.m. the next morning, Federal agents and NSW Police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Papa,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. that's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Spiro