View Full Version : Why are there sixteen ounces in a pound?

18th Sep 2008, 19:30
Yes yes, I know that it there were only twelve, it wouldn't be heavy enough :rolleyes:

...but a lot of other things are based on twelve so they can be split into 2, 3 or 4, so why not ounces and pounds?

The Real Slim Shady
18th Sep 2008, 19:35
Just to add to the confusion there are also 100 pence to the pound, hence each ounce is equivalent to 6.25 pence.

However, the 16 ounces is based on avoirdupois weights: used for goods.

The ounce was originally a twelfth part ( onza in Italian or uncia in Latin) and was a single unit of a pound Troy which was a measurement used for precoius stones.

tony draper
18th Sep 2008, 19:46
Err,pardon me there were 240 pence or pennies as they are correctly called to the pound until they southern feckwits in London inflicted this digital decimal muny on us.

18th Sep 2008, 19:48
There are only 12 [Troy] ounces to a [Troy] pound - a Troy ounce weighs more than an Avoirdupois ounce but 'cause there are only 12 of 'em a Troy pound weighs less than an Avoirdupois pound.
On reflection ... perhaps I [we ?] should get out more !

18th Sep 2008, 19:48
It makes sense if all you have is a balance that measures the equality of masses, and you are an instrument maker.

16/2 = 8
8/2 = 4
4/2 = 2
2/2 = 1 ounce

Cutting things in half accurately is far easier than cutting things in other portions.

18th Sep 2008, 19:50
"Why are there sixteen ounces in a pound?"

It's obvious innit.

Otherwise 112lbs wouldn't make up a Hundredweight.

18th Sep 2008, 20:14
Its because 2 tablespoons = 1 ounce. Therefore 32 tablespoons = 1 pound.

Alternatively a 1/4 cup = 2 ounces or 4 tablespoons, and 2 cups = 1 pound.

Cant see the problem myself. :}

18th Sep 2008, 20:23
Isn't it strange that a 1000 kg is exactly a ton?

18th Sep 2008, 20:29
Yes...I've noticed that one for a while, why is that. I've always found it strange

18th Sep 2008, 20:30
Sure that isn't a tonne? A ton is 1,016 point something kgs!



Arm out the window
18th Sep 2008, 20:31
And a litre of water weighs exactly a kilogram ... spooky!

18th Sep 2008, 20:32
....and this one. How many days are there in a light year?

Tower Ranger
18th Sep 2008, 20:42
And there are 16 16ths in an inch. Sounds like a new improved system we could try cos this decimalisation nonsense will never catch on!

B Fraser
18th Sep 2008, 20:43
24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day :ok:

If ever there was proof that God does exist..........

Sir George Cayley
18th Sep 2008, 20:43
It's waaay past your bedtime Spinny, all these questions.:)

Up to bed now, 40 winks = 7 hours y'know.

Sir George Cayley

18th Sep 2008, 20:53
Coz me mum said so, now **** off or I'll get her to shout at yers!

tony draper
18th Sep 2008, 20:59
There are four seasons in the year and four suits in a pack of cards,
There are twelve months in a year and twelve picture cards,
There are 365 days in a year and 365 spots on a pack of cards,
There are seven days in a week and seven aces in a pack of cards.
There are in the pack of cards I play with anyway.

18th Sep 2008, 21:40
Besides, if there weren't 16ozs in a pound, a gallon of water wouldn't weigh ten pounds.

mr fish
18th Sep 2008, 22:03
due to inflation there are now 16 oz to £3.70:O

18th Sep 2008, 22:08
Isn't it strange that the mean period of rotation of the moon around the earth is 27 days, 7 hours, 43 minutes and 11.47 seconds, and that this is exactly the same as the moon's period of rotation about its own axis.

This is the reason why we never see the far side from earth. Until the NASA moonshot orbiters made it visible, there might have been a lunar Disney, or even a MacDonalds in the unseen bit, for all we knew!

This has absolutely nothing to do with 16 ounces in a pound, but is just as interesting.

18th Sep 2008, 22:08
Did you know about Munck's constant ? It denotes one cubic light-year of beer.

Arm out the window
18th Sep 2008, 22:24
603DX, we're so smart here we had a thread on that very subject a while back.
Apparently a lot of moons get their rotational and orbital times synchronised because they aren't exactly round, and the longer dimension ends up pointing towards the planet because gravitational attraction is greater the closer you are - ie the bit of the moon that sticks out most will tend to end up pointing towards the 'parent' planet full-time.
Or something like that - it must be tied up with Munck's constant, I'm sure.

The Real Slim Shady
18th Sep 2008, 22:43
But Munck's variable comes in to play here.

The time between consumption of X pints and the need to go to the loo will be:

(X ( the number of pints) x the inverse of temperature in centigrade of the pint ÷√bladder capacity)x(temperature of the room÷minutes since last pint)X 1/Munck's constant.

The answer normally being 16.

mr fish
18th Sep 2008, 23:06
time in taxi x rapidly filling bladder x fiddle drunkenly with keys = p:mad:ing in kitchen sink, " sorry dear, i could'nt wait"= sleep on sofa!!!

18th Sep 2008, 23:15
Number of fingers and toes (not counting thumbs and big toes) is 16.

Clearly an important aid to enumeration.

18th Sep 2008, 23:34
Depends if you come from Norfolk, or Wales [or Stoke]...
I loved the old exercise books with all the tables on the back

Arm out the window
18th Sep 2008, 23:41
Munck's constant is also tied in with the Pressure Relief Valve factor, which applies to the time interval between consumption of first beer and pee break #1 and following beer - pee intervals, the length of which are inversely proportional to the number of beers consumed up to that point.

19th Sep 2008, 00:03
Forget all that avoirdupois rubbish; but why did we have 3 barleycorns to one inch?

19th Sep 2008, 01:26
When one is reliant upon rain falling on one's roof to supply the water needs for one's household one rapidly becomes aware of the strange fact that 1mm of rain falling on 1 sq metre = 1 litre.

PS Do I get the prize for using the most amount of "ones" in a post???

19th Sep 2008, 02:17
Sure that isn't a tonne? A ton is 1,016 point something kgs!


1 ton = 2240 lbs
1 (metric) tonne =2204 lbs

Dan D'air
19th Sep 2008, 02:44
And there are 16 16ths in an inch.

There are a thousand thousandths in an inch too............spooky.

Loose rivets
19th Sep 2008, 02:50
Ow come... ( this is the way I speak when I'm sitting outside me allotment shed) Ow come there are more pounds in an old ton than a new'un?

I mean, a metre is bigger than a yard. So a new tonne should be bigger than an old'un. Stands to reason.

And a litre of water weighs exactly a kilogram ... spooky!
Aaaat depends on ow hot the water is. A liter of water on the church's lead roof on a summers day, aint the same as when it's cold enough to freeze yer gargoils off.

So wat about yer acre then? Ow many oxon can a man use to plow an acre in a day?

Clue...it's wat I just done wi me sandwich.

19th Sep 2008, 02:52
There are a thousand thousandths in an inch too.

No, not accepting that. Prove it!!! :cool:

19th Sep 2008, 03:00
What about the number 23? It and the moon are also connected. The first two missions to land on the moon were Appollo 11 and 12. 11+12 = 23.

Very Spooky:E

Arm out the window
19th Sep 2008, 06:19
Clue...it's wat I just done wi me sandwich.

The mind boggles!:eek:

Metric may be straightforward, but I've got a soft spot for your more esoteric measurements - chain, perches, roods, pecks and bushels, slugs, stone - much more satisfying to say than kilograms or metres, even if the numbers are harder to remember.

19th Sep 2008, 06:51
Of far more importance than any of the above is the cran - a unit of volume used for measuring a herring catch.

1 cran is conveniently equal to 0.222977296160961 cubic yards or, if you must, 170.478375 litres.

But why only 10 chains in a furlong? Why not 12??. This smacks of Napoleonic infiltration and We Need To Be Told!!

But then, if there were more than 10 chains in a furlong, an acre would no longer be equal to a chain by a furlong - or 4840 square yards.

We could always measure distance in crans per acre, I guess? A statute mile would then be equal to roughly 38202993 crans per acre.

19th Sep 2008, 06:55
U.S. ton (short ton or harbour ton) = 2000 pounds
Metric tonne (tonne) = 1000 kilograms = 2205 pounds
Imperial ton (long ton or shipping ton) = 2240 pounds
Longweight ton = 2400 pounds

Displacement ton = 35 cubic feet
Freight ton (U.S. Shipping ton or measurement ton) = 40 cubic feet
British Shipping ton = 42 cubic feet.
Merchant marine ton (Register ton) = 100 cubic feet

Ton (explosive power) = 4 million Btu
Ton (Refrigeration - power required to freeze one short ton of water at 0°C in 24 hours) = 12,000 Btu per hour.

tony draper
19th Sep 2008, 07:20
A cubic foot of Iron weighs 470 llbs
A cubic foot of Copper weighs 547 llbs
A cubic foot of Lead weighs 710 llbs
A cubic foot of Mercury weighs 847 llbs
A cubic foot of Gold weighs 1200 llbs
A cubic foot of Platinum weighs 1260 llbs
A cubic foot of Irridium weighs 1420 llbs

One finds it strange that metal weights come out in whole pounds,why not say 470 llbs 3 onces or indeed 1200 llbs and 2 onces,hmmmm?:uhoh:

19th Sep 2008, 07:32
A cubic inch of Neutronium weighs 1 billion tons.....

tony draper
19th Sep 2008, 07:43
Me mum wudda needed a lot of them wee round brass thingies to weight that out on her kitchen scales.
The biggest mystery is how Ships are weighed, even folks who have been before the mast for fifty year man and boy don't understand it.

Captain Stable
19th Sep 2008, 07:58
even folks who have been before the mast for fifty year man and boy don't understand itMaybe that's why they spent that length of time before the mast and never got to the quarterdeck/bridge! :E

Simple, really - remove ship from water, place on scales. Take reading, make a note of it for Lloyds List (or is it Lloyds TSB HBOS List now...?), place ship back in water.

Arm out the window
19th Sep 2008, 07:59
I see there that gold weighs in at nearly twice as much as lead per unit of volume - now I want some gold sinkers for me fishing rod; they'd take up much less room in the tackle box for the same weight and would be the envy of all who spied 'em.
Prince Charles probably uses them - lose a couple on a snag, no worries, get the royal fishing tackle procurer to hunt up some more.

Wassat Noyze
19th Sep 2008, 10:46
....and a gallon of potatoes weighs in at 10 pounds!

19th Sep 2008, 11:18
fascinating discussion surprised no one has mentioned Knots yet?

TD, how many shillings were there to a pound was it twleve?

19th Sep 2008, 11:26

£sd = Libri, Solidi, Denari = Pounds, Shillings & Pence.

12 pence to the Shilling.
20 Shillings to the Pound.
21 Shillings to the Guinea.


Farthing = 1/4 Penny
Halfpenny= 1/2 Penny
Threepenny bit.
Florin = 2 Shillings.
Half a Crown = 2/6d (2 Shillings 6 pence)
Crown = 5 Shillings

Senior Pilot
19th Sep 2008, 11:56
Anything more than a groat an' thee were rich, lad :p

The Real Slim Shady
19th Sep 2008, 12:05
Youngsters today don't know they're born.

We had it tough in our day: no calculators and nothing to base 10.

If you were lucky you had all your fingers and toes to count with.

One kid I went to school with failed his O level Maths after he sliced off his finger with a meat cleaver.

Used to dream about about a kid getting measles so as we could use the spots to count above 20.

19th Sep 2008, 13:30
New a guy wot had six toes on one foot, he had a bugger of a time at school:bored::bored::bored:

Still dont know why 16 Oz = 1 Lb but

19th Sep 2008, 13:45
Tempted to cross-post this to the rant thread . . .

WTF is it with media - in particular the BBC - coming out with phrases such as "came down on him like a tonne of bricks"? Surely a ton of bricks is more severe. Bl:mad:dy PC euro-arslikhan nonsense.

Sorry; a pet hate of mine. That and wasps. Low alcohol cider. People in flat caps driving their frigging Volvo or Rover 75 at 55mph in the middle lane.

Sorry; I'll lie down now. :uhoh:

Low Flier
19th Sep 2008, 14:13
£sd = Libri, Solidi, Denari = Pounds, Shillings & Pence.

12 pence to the Shilling.
20 Shillings to the Pound.
21 Shillings to the Guinea.


Farthing = 1/4 Penny
Halfpenny= 1/2 Penny
Threepenny bit.
Florin = 2 Shillings.
Half a Crown = 2/6d (2 Shillings 6 pence)
Crown = 5 Shillings

Then there's:

£1 = Oncer
£2 = Bottle
£3 = Carpet
£5 = Lady
£10 = Tenner
£20 = Score
£25 = Pony
£50 = Nifty
£100 = Ton
£500 = Monkey

19th Sep 2008, 14:28
Once, when I were a sprog, I bought a four-a-penny chew for a farthing. I got tuppence ha'pny a day in pocket money when I went to school. Real money, when you could buy a house for £500 (If you weren't too particular about bathrooms, h&c running water and other such middle class poncery.)

tony draper
19th Sep 2008, 14:44
Four a Penny Chews were rounded up to Hapney chews when the Farthing was withdrawn and very shortly there after they became Penny Chews,that's when one got to understand what inflation meant.

19th Sep 2008, 14:47
Anything more than a groat an' thee were rich, lad

In 1939 the farthing was recognised wealth among the junior set. With your farthing you could certainly buy a stick of cinnamon rock and other minor comestibles. The heavy-duty at-first-hard-and-then-chewy-and-always-allowing-sticky-saliva-to-dribble-on-the-fingers-hard-boiled-sugar-rock weighed in at a ha'penny and was a less frequent indulgence.

As for the revenue, at the earliest age it depended on the penny-a-week from parents, but soon after as the wages for going round with Hugh (forgive me .... "Shug") the milkman on his cart on Saturday mornings and delivering cans of milk to doors.

19th Sep 2008, 15:01
Bollocks, that's 'The Prostrate Constant' at 0215LT every feckin night!

19th Sep 2008, 15:40
I believe that the Septic Cousins have a saying "A pint is a pound the World around" based on their pint being a mere 16 fluid oz (instead of the 20 fl oz as practised in the developed World).

Years ago, when metrication started to occur in the UK, we needed to know the number of millimetres in a mile (for calculations involving vehicles as tyre sizes were quoted in revolutions per mile). I asked a colleague the question "How any millimetres are there in a mile?" and he replied (after some consideration) that, like the puzzle with the grains of wheat and the chessboard, there weren't enough millimetres in the World to fill a mile . . .

(When I related this to a non-technical Mrs G-CPTN, she quickly (!) replied that, as there were 1.6 kilometres in a mile the answer was about 1.6 million. Just shows you how much women know!)

Mac the Knife
19th Sep 2008, 16:22
Medicine has never been the same since they abandoned the old apothecaries measures; I loved all those drachms, minims, scruples and grains.....

'Twas fun writing it all up in Latin, with mysterious symbols.

Damned boring now......


Loose rivets
19th Sep 2008, 16:36
....and a gallon of potatoes weighs in at 10 pounds!

I doubt that :8

Loose rivets
19th Sep 2008, 16:44

Bugger! I thought I'd made that up. Seems it's been in use in science fiction for years, and now used more seriously.

C'mon, someone must know the answer to my question about oxen. How many to plow an acre in one day...with one man.

In Phillip Pullman's Pillars of the Earth he describes the care they take of The Rod. Locked in a stone hut it were. Trouble was, the the next town's projects had a different rod, and they often didn't agree.

Pontius Navigator
19th Sep 2008, 17:00
Full fathom five thy Father lies,
Of his bones are Corrall made:
Those are pearles that were his eies,
Nothing of him that doth fade,
But doth suffer a Sea-change
Into something rich & strange
Sea-Nymphs hourly ring his knell.
Harke now I heare them, ding-dong, bell.

Why 5? Can't fathom that out.

19th Sep 2008, 17:01
Years ago (late 60s) I was 'involved' in commissioning a major project of development of 700 acres of (previously) agricultural land. In the local pub was an old-timer who volunteered his opinion about 'problems' with drainage and the presence of springs that had been ignored.
During the course of his diatribes he commented that he had "walked the land nine inches at a time".
It took a while to realise that he meant behind a single furrow plough (drawn by a horse of course).
If you have periodically crossed and recrossed land using a nine inch separation I guess that you would get to know every aspect of that land.
And his predictions turned out to be correct and major reworks had to be done to overcome drainage and flooding problems that hadn't been allowed for by the 'clever engineers' (I was a mechanical engineer by then rather than a civil). My task was the utilization of the constructed (and unconstructed, ie off-highway) tracks. Pumps had to be installed to empty a 'sump' that flooded a 'highway' track to a depth of five feet during heavy rain and failed to drain afterwards.

Moral - listen to those who know what they are talking about, even if you think you know otherwise . . .

19th Sep 2008, 18:06
I'll think you'll find that regardless of the unit ( metric or imperial , ancient or modern ) the final common denominator will always be 42 ;)ahh my taxi.............

mr fish
19th Sep 2008, 18:17
osmium weighs 22 gms per cc, which is heavy in anyones book

19th Sep 2008, 18:37
And who came up with 3 feet/36 inches = yard? What an odd instrument of measure.

I'm expecting good stories on the origins of such. Don't fail me. ;)

tony draper
19th Sep 2008, 18:59
It was taken from the length of a Scotsman's arm, 36 inches,the Metre was taken from the depth of a Scotsman's pocket 39 inches.

19th Sep 2008, 19:05
Good one, Mr. Draper!! :D:D I knew I could count on you for a fine response.

19th Sep 2008, 19:06
And the standard railway gauge of 4ft 81/2inches is the distance between two 'orses arses.

19th Sep 2008, 20:34
Wots a nine bob note?:confused:

Arm out the window
19th Sep 2008, 20:34
Full fathom five thy Father lies,
Of his bones are Corrall made:
Those are pearles that were his eies,
Nothing of him that doth fade,
But doth suffer a Sea-change
Into something rich & strange
Sea-Nymphs hourly ring his knell.
Harke now I heare them, ding-dong, bell.

Why 5? Can't fathom that out.

Any deeper and the 'Corrall' wouldn't form as well - likes to be in the first 30 feet, you see.

19th Sep 2008, 21:00
Going down.

10 metres depth below sea level equals 1 bar (ignoring the 1 bar at sea level). Bit precise, eh? How? Why? Anyone fathom why?:}

tony draper
19th Sep 2008, 21:08
Surely you mean 32 feet= 14 lbs per square inch or one atmosphere Mr Baron? after all,we are not foreigners here.

19th Sep 2008, 22:33
The answer to the basic question is simple. A pound is sixteen ounces so that a quarter of a pound can be four ounces. Four ounces was the standard weight for the basic unit in trade of many commodities, not least important a wee poke of sweeties.

19th Sep 2008, 23:11
I remember going to the shop for my Grandparents....
I asked for "A quarter of Thick Twist*, and a half ounce of Boiled Ham"... fortunately the shopkeeper gave me the right measures...:ok:

* Thick Twist, [sometimes known as Thick Black] was a particularily strong pipe tobacco in the '50s. When I joined the RAF in 1963, I was "Jack the Lad" and bought a pipe....my uncle filled it with Twist.....I went GREEN and I did not inhale.

RAPA Pilot
19th Sep 2008, 23:52
Gosh, I've learned sooo much from this thread !!!!
Still don't know how much my girlfriend weighs but blimy :eek:you dont get many of those to the pound......

Arm out the window
20th Sep 2008, 00:09
10 metres depth below sea level equals 1 bar

1 square metre of water surface, 10 m down = 10 cubic metres of water sitting on top of you.
That's 10 000 litres, weighs 10 000 kilos (for fresh water at normal temp etc - sea water a bit different but not to let that get in the way of the argument).

1 pascal = 1 newton/square metre, 1 bar = 100 kPa = 100 000 newton/square metre.

At around 10 newtons to the kilogram on the earth's surface, there's your answer - 10 m of water, 1 extra bar of pressure - give or take:8

20th Sep 2008, 01:03
The speed of light = 1.98287925 × 10^14 fathoms per fortnight.

Not a lot of people know that. Or want to.

20th Sep 2008, 01:05
And the standard railway gauge of 4ft 8 1/2inches is the distance between two 'orses arses.Strange, but true - and Roman horses arses!
British carriages were constructed such that their wheels sat in the ruts created in the tracks established by the Romans (as worn by chariot wheels in the stone highways) and this was carried over when horse-drawn carriages became restrained by rails.
If it ain't broke don't fix it . . .

Even the Septic Cousins adopted the same measurement, even though they never encountered Romans on their land.

20th Sep 2008, 01:25
Here's a question for Herr Drapes:-
"How many gills in a pint?"

tony draper
20th Sep 2008, 07:39
There are four gills to a pint yet confusingly round here a half pint of beer was also know as a gill, also confusing to yer furriner there two types of draught beer known as Scotch(or ordinary) and Special,so if a old timer tells you he would like a gill of Scotch he means a half pint of ordinary beer.

20th Sep 2008, 08:24
Still don't know how much my girlfriend weighs but blimy you dont get many of those to the pound......

To find out, one must first warm one's hands, then gently cup one's lady friend's 'assets' in each hand. Gently lift*, pause for thought briefly, then shake vigorously, at the same time yelling "WHAHAAAAAAYYYY!!"

If she has a sense of humour, this may be a prelude to more interesting events. If not, it may cause you personal injury.

Weighing awkward objects can be difficult. For example, to administer the correct dose of medicine to a cat, where dosage depends on body weight. The little buggers won't sit still on the bathroom scales. If you place a box on the scales, set to zero and add cat, the reading will only be to ± 5 lb as the little sod jumps around trying to escape. So the best method, short of trussing it up, is to hold cat and weigh yourself+cat, then yourself only, then subtract the latter from the former.

Do not try this method with other body weight dosage dependent animals such as horses or rhinos!

*Lifting is only required if she cannot pass the pencil test!

20th Sep 2008, 10:08

1 Wey = 10/9 Chaldron
1 Chaldron = 12 Bags
1 Bag = 6 Buckets
1 Bucket = 4 Gallons
1 Gallon = 2 Pottles
1 = Pottle = 2 Quarts
1 Quart = 2 Pints
1 Pint = 4 Gills
1 Gill = 5 Ounces
1 Ounce = 8 Drams
1 Dram = 60 Minims
1 Minim = 1 Drop

1 Last = 640 Gallons
1 Butt = 108 Gallons
1 Puncheon = 70 Gallons
1 Seam = 64 Gallons (1 Quarter = 1 Seam )
1 Hogshead = 63 Gallons
1 Coomb = 32 Gallons
1 Kilderkin = 18 Gallons
1 Strike = 16 Gallons
1 Firkin = 9 Gallons
1 Gill = 1 Roquille = 1 Noggin = Quartern

And for those interested in the French "Ancien Regime"

1 Muid = 2 Feuillette
1 Feuillette = 2 Quartart
1 Quartart = Velte
1 Velte = 4 Pots
1 Pot = 2 Pinte
1 Pinte = Chopine
1 Chopine = 2 demi-setier
1 Demi-setier = 2 Posson
1 Posson = 2 Demi-posson
1 Demi-posson = 2 Roquille

A useful site: ANGLO-SAXON AND BIBLICAL TO METRICS CONVERSIONS (http://home.hetnet.nl/mr_4/610/[email protected]/tables/anglosaxon/napolangsax.html)

Though I use my copy of "Scientific Unit Conversion" by Francois Cardarelli, said b******d that I am. :sad:

20th Sep 2008, 15:01
Talking of Threads:

How long is a piece of string?

And what is its metric equivalent?

FOK :confused:

G&T ice n slice
20th Sep 2008, 21:48

where are the tad, the smidgen, the trice in the scheme of things?

henry crun
20th Sep 2008, 23:46
One picul = 100 catties = 133lbs

One hide = 100 acres

21st Sep 2008, 00:25
No mention yet of

King Size;
Giant Economy.

Arm out the window
21st Sep 2008, 00:27
And what about the RCH?

21st Sep 2008, 00:48
The French invented the metric system, hence the UK and US can't adopt it, no matter how superior, cause not invented there. Correct ?

Loose rivets
21st Sep 2008, 01:09
So the best method, short of trussing it up, is to hold cat and weigh yourself+cat, then .....Av you ever tried trussing a cat up? Our much loved tortoiseshell moggy had to have something done, so we tried this and that, and finally wrapping her in a towel. Then a bigger towel. Then a bath towel, wrapped about five-hundred times round said moggy. Every time she slid her paw up past her chin and inflicted GBH upon me and the missus. As we reeled back spraying blood, the moggy exploded out of the towel and hooked herself on anything soft...like a leg, or the curtains. Lovely she were.:{

So docile most of the time.


BTW...that oak paneling. Took me ages to do, and last time home saw it in splinters on the front drive. Can't please everyone.

21st Sep 2008, 08:08
As we reeled back spraying blood, the moggy exploded out of the towel and hooked herself on anything soft...like a leg, or the curtains. About time for this again... :}

How To Pill a Cat

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

3. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.

4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.

5. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

7. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

8. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.

9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.

10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.

12. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

12. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and contact local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Pill a Dog

Wrap it in bacon.