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Beatriz Fontana
5th Sep 2008, 06:51
It's official. Iran is controlling the British summer. The evidence is clear: it's been partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.

Arm out the window
5th Sep 2008, 07:12
One from my 6-year old son:

There were some people at a magic playground going down the slide.
The first person shouts out 'Gold!' as he slides down and lands in a big bucket of gold.
The next person comes along, shouts out 'Silver!' as he slides and lands in a big bucket of silver.
The third person, who doesn't know it's a magic playground, slides down and shouts out 'Wheeee!'


:)

FAN BLADE
5th Sep 2008, 08:59
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Petermet her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for newarrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with theletter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerablethought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she hadconsidered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with theletter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed theanswer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'



'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second ofFebruary, and right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelveseconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider youranswer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking hishead.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answerto stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutelycorrect to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to thename of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest toanswer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberatingthe answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turningto the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billyboiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...
------------------------------------------------
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay ..'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town.......
Where the girls are.'

ZH875
5th Sep 2008, 12:04
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters beer.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

jethro15
5th Sep 2008, 13:13
Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken [email protected] You've sh1t the bed !!'

mr fish
5th Sep 2008, 14:52
whats yellow and smells of bananas-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------monkey sick.

Spotlight
5th Sep 2008, 15:12
Okay jethro, you get paid. Very good.

Havana
5th Sep 2008, 19:23
4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

acmi48
5th Sep 2008, 21:24
after the recent fire at the luxury home in shropshire police have finally come up with i.d on the occupants

asked by the local press why it took so long, the officer in charge replied they were waiting for the corpses to cool down

after all ,the officer incharge said,you would nt want a warm fosters would you !!!




.....skulk away...

Dan D'air
5th Sep 2008, 21:30
you would nt want a warm fosters would you

Certainly not at a barbecue..........................

ExSp33db1rd
5th Sep 2008, 22:22
( Probably not new - I thought Essex Girl jokes ended years ago, but it takes along time for the Jungle telegraph to reach the Antipodes - sorry ! )


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK
'Medic: 'What's your name?
'Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?
'Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please becareful!

''It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f**king hundreds of them!'

stevef
5th Sep 2008, 22:29
I went for a health check at the surgery yesterday and the nurse said: 'You've got to stop playing with yourself immediately.'
When I asked her why, she said - 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'

niknak
6th Sep 2008, 01:10
Ron & Edna were inmates in the local secure mental facility.

One day, when out for a walk by the pool, Ron leaps in fully clothed, without a thought, Edna jumps in after him and drags him out saving his life.

The staff are so impressed that, after much discussion, they decide to give Edna and Ron their freedom.

The head of the facility meets Edna and says
"Edna, I have good and bad news"

"what's that?" says Edna
"Well the good news is that, we were so impressed with your maturity that we're going to let you and Ron out and you never have to return. The bad news is that Ron has hung himself in airing cupoard."

"No" says Edna, "I left him there to dry, can I go now?".

MarlboroLite
6th Sep 2008, 02:18
Did you hear about the epiletic carpet???
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It fits itself!! :E

BDiONU
6th Sep 2008, 13:33
The McCann's revealed today that they have spent £1 million in their search for Maddie.

I assume that includes the tenner they decided not to spend on a babysitter.

BD

MarlboroLite
6th Sep 2008, 15:23
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef

to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running

down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous

German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans,

the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green

squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to
show..................................
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...............that Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With
mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Loose rivets
6th Sep 2008, 16:51
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY (Don't know why its in print for the blind)After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your earandcountto10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'
'4''5'

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs andcontinuedcountingon his other hand.

This procedure also works in Ireland,Australia, Priory Park and Most Police Stations

seekayess
7th Sep 2008, 21:50
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Some nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

Lon More
7th Sep 2008, 22:14
Not a Friday joke but a Sunday one ....








.... the stewards at the Francorchamps GP:mad:

chiglet
8th Sep 2008, 23:51
The three sexual ages of a man.....










TRI WEEKLY
















TRY WEEKLY

















TRY WEAKLY



watp,iktch

PT6T3DF
9th Sep 2008, 17:30
My internal medicine doctor referred me to a urologist. To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful and unbelievably sexy looking.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I am trying to examine you.

Sikorskyfan
10th Sep 2008, 13:17
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',

she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories

could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty

and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our

yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And, before he could say '[email protected]@k', the Rottweiler ate him!'

seekayess
10th Sep 2008, 20:50
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and dumb blonde jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: 'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?'

'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.'

'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: 'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'

mr fish
10th Sep 2008, 21:30
i went for a drink with AMIR KHAN last saturday, ( drum roll), he did'nt even get a round in:E:E:E

Bob Stinger
11th Sep 2008, 19:00
Some bloke in the Paralympics has just tested positive for WD40.

chiglet
11th Sep 2008, 20:33
But the Iraqui contestant tested positve for WMD, 40 times....
I know, hat, coat etc
watp,iktch

James 1077
12th Sep 2008, 05:21
This Large Hadron Collider webcam is quite amusing:

lhc (http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html)

rhythm method
12th Sep 2008, 07:58
Very good! :D

jethro15
12th Sep 2008, 10:32
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

jethro15
12th Sep 2008, 11:07
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying
letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

MarlboroLite
12th Sep 2008, 11:52
Own a Ferrari?

Not quite good enough at driving?

Are other boys faster than you in the wet?

Then you need:

Ferrari international Assistance (FiA)

This exclusive Ferrari only membership club has many benefits. Including:

- Anti overtaking assurance
Been overtaken? Feel a bit silly? Don't worry, we'll rule out the other party , even if it's embarrassingly obvious that they're faster than you

- Can’t drive in the wet ?
Can’t cope with a little rain, don’t worry. We’ll ensure that the other party will lose their position ahead of you, ready for your mediocre inconsistent performance to keep you in the championship.

- Exclusive access to a secret 'second lane' in the pits
Just to make things a little bit easier we've arranged a private second lane , just for you

- Overtaken a car by cutting a chicane and NOT giving back your place ?
Exclusive offer for Ferrari drivers – you can decide not to give back the position and we won’t penalise you for it, just like in Hungary 2006

- Guaranteed world championship ?
Had a crash? Need to win the world championship? Don't worry just limp across the track and take off your nearest championship title contender - we'll do the rest

- A bit strapped ? Need extra cash ?
Simply get one of your team to tell someone else how you make your cars and then we’ll make sure they take the rap.

- Bits falling off your car ? Looking a bit dangerous ?
At Ferrari International Assistance we operate a 'blind eye' policy just for Ferrari drivers

- Been a bit silly ? Taken off another driver whilst following the safety car ?
It's ok, as long as you didn't hurt yourself. I mean, who are Force India anyway ? And how dare they be in front of you

- A bit bored? Want some extra action ?
With FIA plus you can take part in a number of additional membership activities

- Want to run some illegal aerodynamics ?
No problem, as long as the car is Red, you can have flexing wings, or oversized barge boards anything you like!

- Has your rival come up with a great idea, before you ?
One quick telephone call on our free 0800 number and we’ll make sure it gets banned overnight. No questions asked.

- Not sure when you might need us next ?
Relax. Check out our track record. We're confident that we'll be able to make something up on the spot that will get you out of any pickle that you might find yourself in

For an immediate response you can call our number free of charge. Our Call centre staff, Bernard, Max and Charles, are waiting for your call.


Ferrari international Assistance - Making it up as we go along for over 100 years

future.boeing.cpt
12th Sep 2008, 12:06
Why does michael jackson love 27 year olds?






there's twenty of them!

goudie
12th Sep 2008, 15:50
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal

Cluster One
12th Sep 2008, 16:10
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. However, the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma'am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

dazdaz
12th Sep 2008, 16:16
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

Tis I
12th Sep 2008, 16:32
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side.
He then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest.
He finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude, how much water did you drink?!!"

Sikorskyfan
12th Sep 2008, 18:20
University Entrance CV, apparently he got in

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

:D:D:D

GrumpyOldFart
12th Sep 2008, 19:36
Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob'

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2008, 19:49
Mrs G-CPTN worked in a Uni and 'ran' several bulletin-boards similar to this.
In anticipation of her upcoming vacation she set-up an 'out-of-office' reply to be sent automatically to any contributor. Unfortunately she was also a recipient of all communications sent to the 'list', so when the first contribution came in the system sent the message to the member and herself, so, of course that initiated another 'out-of-office' response . . . (are you beginning to get the picture?).
Within seconds, the University's server was blocked by traffic in a recursive loop of ever growing proportions.
She was not popular . . .

It took several days to erase the 'unwanted' messages whilst retaining those of significance.

BombayDuck
12th Sep 2008, 20:20
Has the Large Hadron Collider Destroyed the Earth (http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/)?

Rossian
12th Sep 2008, 21:55
Bombay duck..........DUCK!
The REAL answer to your question is - not yet, because they haven't actually "collided" anything yet. Keep your fingers crossed.
The Ancient Mariner

G-CPTN
12th Sep 2008, 22:16
But will we ever know if the answer is yes?

mocoman
12th Sep 2008, 23:13
Only if you keep checking the site constantly G-CPTN :ok:

Or you could open the curtains and check outside occasionally.
If it looks somewhat darker and stretched than you would normally expect then maybe you might assume that the site would indicate 'YES' if it still existed in this particular space and time continuum. :E

Dan D'air
13th Sep 2008, 02:02
If it looks somewhat darker and stretched than you would normally expect then maybe you might assume that the site would indicate 'YES' if it still existed in this particular space and time continuum

Not wishing to rain on anyone's parade, but if one actually were in a Black Hole, then due to Relativity, one's perception would be that things were exactly the same, as the Event Horizon would be relative to oneself, thus giving the impression at least of normality.

G-CPTN
13th Sep 2008, 02:56
But mobile 'phones would stop working, Shirley?

Dan D'air
13th Sep 2008, 04:05
Ok, I'll bite..............Please don't call me Shirley.

CityofFlight
13th Sep 2008, 04:46
YouTube - Chimp Tells Penguin Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOIbkVOfgKA)

Loose rivets
13th Sep 2008, 05:29
EDIT For some reason I thought I was in the LHC thread. So, Joke? Mmmm...A man walks into a collider and says.

"I say, I say, I say...tell me why you're working here in Geneva."

The man in the white coat says, "Well, I was working at Fermilab, but I wanted to work for a bigger conCERN." Boom boom shiiiiiiiiing!

Dan D'air
Not wishing to rain on anyone's parade, but if one actually were in a Black Hole, then due to Relativity, one's perception would be that things were exactly the same, as the Event Horizon would be relative to oneself, thus giving the impression at least of normality.When I wrote this, c 1/2 way down, I was semi-serious...despite the vino. But the experts say that it's the gravitational sheer that'll get you, but I'm not so sure about that.


http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/236400-space-6.html#post2784748

Barkly1992
13th Sep 2008, 09:03
This is supposed to be a joke thread for fersake - :=

Standard Noise
13th Sep 2008, 09:42
Reebok have released new skin tight cycling shorts for women called 'mumblers'.
You can see the lips move but you can't tell what the c**ts saying.


Little boy asks his dad where poo comes from? Dad says that food goes into the mouth, passes down the oesophagus to the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before the waste descends into the colon and rectum to emerge as poo.

Boy says 'bloody hell dad, where the f**k does Tigger come from then?'

Mr_Grubby
13th Sep 2008, 11:59
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

billa
13th Sep 2008, 16:28
Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila






Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, Walter :}

Saintsman
13th Sep 2008, 19:01
When this bloke asked me if I preferred legs, thighs or breasts, I told him that I had a fondness for shaved fannies



He then told me that this was not an option with the KFC bargain bucket

Loose rivets
13th Sep 2008, 20:25
This is supposed to be a joke thread for fersake - :=


I know...it's an age thing. Get me on to Spacetime physics an' I'm orf on me own cloud.

Anyway, there was a Proton, and a Neutron in a bar.

The Neutron says, "Your looking very chipper today, what's happened.?"

"Oh," Says the Proton,. "I started a new job today and I'm feeling very positive about it."

I'll erm, go back to my black hole now.:(

seekayess
13th Sep 2008, 20:58
A black couple are sitting in their apartment, waiting to die.

There are no jobs to be had, inflation is running at 5000 percent, they haven't eaten a decent meal in weeks, and the water and power haven't worked in months. So they sit huddled under blankets waiting for the end when suddenly they hear the water pipes begin to rumble and eventually water starts pouring out of the long unused taps.

Next the light begins to flicker and then fill the apartment with bright light.

On the streets below a truck arrives handing out grain.

The husband looks at his wife and says, "Quick woman, bring me my panga! The whites are back!"


PS: For anyone not au fait with Kiswahili, a 'panga' is an African machete.

Parapunter
13th Sep 2008, 21:32
How is that funny? I don't geddit at all.

Lafyar Cokov
14th Sep 2008, 00:09
Doctor - every time I take a crap it comes out in chips!!!

Have you tried lifting up your string vest????

henry crun
14th Sep 2008, 00:47
You obviously didn't bother to read post #25 !

Lon More
14th Sep 2008, 09:20
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said," "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did."




And held up my thumb to show her.

future.boeing.cpt
14th Sep 2008, 11:44
A guy drunkily picks up a woman from an american nightclub.
After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks 'do you want more sex'? '
No' she replies, 'I'm just admiring your c**k.. I really miss mine.'

dazpoo23
14th Sep 2008, 12:12
My goodness seekayess (http://www.pprune.org/members/163938-seekayess), that joke was just hilarious.

Do you have anymore?

frostbite
14th Sep 2008, 12:56
Only the Irish have Jokes like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,

his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
' What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
' That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
' That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
' Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'


*************************************** **************************************************
*** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
' So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
' Why, I've been to the pub of course,'
slurs the drunk.
' Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
' Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
' Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
' For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


**************************************************
**************************************************
*******
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
' Of course you can com e in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.'
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' '

I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'

' It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned.'

' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee.'



**************************************************
**************************************************
********
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

BombayDuck
14th Sep 2008, 15:01
Apple Launches the iThing (http://www.bosey.co.in/2008/09/apple-launches-ithing-nobody-knows-what.html) :p

al446
18th Sep 2008, 19:20
Guy goes home after long day in Job Centre/Pub/Bookies, walks into living room, throws coat on chair, kicks dog off sofa and lies down on the warm spot created. He picks up telly remote and, while channel surfing says to wife "Get me a beer before it starts." She puts the iron down on the ironing board, goes to the kitchen, gets tube from fridge, takes it through with a glass after opening it and places it on the table in front of him. He continues with the telly.
Still on the sofa, when beer is finished he says "Get me another before it starts will you?" She pulls a face but goes to fridge, gets the beer and plonks it on the table. He is engrossed in TV.
Later - "get me another before it starts" She storms to the kitchen, rips beer from fridge and tosses it on his chest.
Beer finished he demands another "before it starts"- "You absolute bastard" she wails "You do f*ck all around the house, you never look at me except as a f*ckin servant. You are constantly losin our money in the bookies, the kids hardly know you, you haven't walked the dog since you bought it in the pub as a pup and won't even think of looking for a job. If it wasn't for the kids I would have gone long ago and don't think I wasn't without offers, you made me a slob!!!!"
He replies "It's started"

Tis I
19th Sep 2008, 10:18
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

S'land
19th Sep 2008, 10:53
It was late afternoon on a hot summer day and a kindly vicar was returning home after visiting some of his parishioners. Shortly before reaching his vicarage he came across a frog sitting gasping on the pavement.

“Hello little frog,” said the vicar, “how are you?”

“Oh, hello sir,” said the frog, “I am very thirsty in this hot weather and so very far from home.”

“I am just on my way back to my vicarage and, if you would like it, I can take you there and give you a drink of water”.

“Oh, that would be wonderful vicar.”

So the kindly vicar picked the little frog up and took him to his vicarage. Once there he gave the little frog a long drink of cool water.

“There you are little frog, drink this. Is there anything else that you require?”

“Oh vicar, that drink was just what I needed, but it has made me so hungry.”

“Well little frog, I am just about to have my evening meal. It is not much, but you are welcome to share it with me if you want to.”

“Oh vicar, that would be lovely” said the frog.

The vicar then prepared the table so that both of them could dine on his evening meal.

After they had dined the vicar said to the frog “I hope that you are feeling better now little frog. Is there anything else that you require?”

“Oh vicar, you have been so kind to feed me and give me something to drink, but I am very tired and would like to sleep now.”

“Well little frog, my vicarage is only small with only one bedroom and one bed. If you wish you may share my bed with me.”

“Oh vicar, that would be lovely. I would be honoured to share your bed with you.”

At this they retired to the bedroom and went to bed. Just after they had snuggled down and were on the point of going to sleep there was an great flash, a ‘whooshing’ sound and an enormous puff of smoke and the little frog turned into a choirboy.

And there, My Lord and members of the Jury, rests the evidence for the Defence.

(With apologies to any vicars, choirboys or frogs (animal type, not French type) that may be reading this.)

Barkly1992
19th Sep 2008, 11:40
Tis 1

I think that joke has been posted here every month for the past 4 years.

But I like it.

:E

cockney steve
19th Sep 2008, 12:02
why are hurricanes normally given women's names?








becuse they're wild and wet when they come,

when they leave, your house....your car....your boat...go with them.

radeng
19th Sep 2008, 13:35
And the good advice seen on JB:

'If it floats, flies, or f^&*s, it's cheaper to rent it!'

Loose rivets
19th Sep 2008, 17:23
A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar

stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to

the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman

next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just

fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:



1. The bartender is a blonde
girl.


2. The bouncer is a blonde
girl.


3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.


5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.


So think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,


"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

lazy george
19th Sep 2008, 22:03
I went into my psychiatrists the other day wearing nothing but clingfilm underpants........

The shrink said " stop right there , i can clearly see your nuts"

frostbite
19th Sep 2008, 22:48
I was walking past the local lunatic asylum today and I could hear them all chanting "forty two, forty two........".

So I looked through a knothole in the fence and immediately someone poked a stick in my eye and they chanted "forty three, forty three......."

BladePilot
21st Sep 2008, 15:43
young boy runs into the bathroom to find his father just stepping out of the shower. Mesmerised by his fathers 'manhood' the small boy points and asks ' Wow dad what's that?' being slightly prudish and a little embarassed his father replies 'well son it's my mustang' (reference to iconic American roadster) seemingly satisfied the young boy walks off and stumbles into his parents bedroom where he finds his mother getting undressed for bed, fascinated by the apparent difference in his mothers anatomy he points at her pubic regions and asks 'mum what's that?' similarly embarassed his mother replies 'well darling that's my garage' bemused the young fella heads for his room and bed.

Later that night..... the young fella can't sleep so he heads for Mom and Dads bedroom, as he enters he hears a lot of groaning and moaning going on and wonders what's happening. As he stands at the side of the bed with his big baby eyes just pearing over the edge, his father suddenly realises he has an 'audience' startled he asks his son 'what's up junior?' his son replies with a question 'Dad are you trying to get your mustang into Moms garage?' 'Um well yes' replies Dad to which the young fella harks back...

'Well you better try a bit harder because the back wheels are still hanging out':)